A Fistful Of Omake
by metroanime
Summary: just various omake that i've used, seperated here for those who just want a quick laugh or maybe write a continuance.
1. Default Chapter

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE  
  
"...he's not the WORST father, but you'd have to make an effort to find a worse one."  
  
Toltiir raised an eyebrow, which wasn't that obvious on a cat. "So you think you could do a better job than him?"  
  
"Not only yes, but Hell Yes," responded the youth.  
  
The cat waved a paw and the youth vanished. "Fine. 'Put your money where your mouth is' or something to that effect."  
  
--------  
  
A phone rang in the main office of the Rival Relief Office.  
  
The person in charge of the desk picked it up, trying not to show her inexperience with such things.   
  
"Rival Relief Office. Your problem is our business. Errr, or something like that. This is Sasami! Can I help you?"  
  
Sasami listened for a few moments, then tried to suppress a giggle. She failed. "Oh my. So you're currently *Genma's* replacement? I can see where that would be stressful. Uh huh. Yes, I agree, if your wife found out she *would* be rather upset that you were engaged to Ranma's mother."  
  
Sasami rolled her eyes and smirked. "Oh. Married? Oh dear. Leapt in right during the ceremony, eh? Nodoka Saotome? What's going on in the background anyway? Oh. Locked yourself in there? She's trying to batter in the door, huh? Well, those *are* husbandly duties."  
  
Sasami giggled at the sounds of breaking wood in the background. "I'll let people know you need some help with this one. Nah, just Bast and Mambo Jack. Yes, I *am* aware he's the god of (ahem) male endurance. With Nodoka, that'll help her get over Genma."  
  
Sasami held the phone away from her head briefly. "Now, now. Try to enjoy it. You've been saying you could use a vacation."  
  
----------  
  
Sixteen years later:  
  
Tatewaki Kuno stood at the back of the crowd, awaiting his turn.  
  
A boy he'd never seen before came walking down the street, cracking the knuckles of one hand, then the other. Kuno dismissed the peasant after a moment, obviously of no consequnce.  
  
The crowd had not yet firmed its position, Akane wasn't expected just yet. There was plenty of room for the boy to pass their ranks.  
  
Instead the boy stood in front of the gates and looked them over with cold eyes. "Excuse me. Do any of you remember a girl about 5'4", bow in her hair who was a new transfer student last week?"  
  
There were a few puzzled looks and a number of winces. She'd been as cute as Akane, and so (quite naturally) they'd attacked her so that they could date her. Same principle right?  
  
"I see you do, she's a friend of mine. In case any of you are interested, she's out of the hospital and will be attending another school now." The boy stretched his shoulder slightly. "She's a very nice girl, and will probably forgive you. I, on the other hand..."  
  
Without any other warning at all, the boy blurred and started punching and kicking. Unlike with Akane's battles, there were cracks and pops and audible crunches. Members of the Sumo Team went flying. A member of the dance club went down clutching his throat. Arms were broken, legs were broken, joints were dislocated.  
  
Nabiki, watching from the second floor, noticed something. Each opponent ended up with a different injury. Even when an arm was broken, this boy broke it in a different area from one target to the next. When the boy shattered Hiroshi's leg, the boy screamed like a wounded rabbit. When Daisuke's leg was bent backwards, Daisuke just fainted.  
  
Flicking bits of gore from his hands, the boy looked around. "Now where's this Shooting Fart kendoist and the bitch that started this mess?"  
  
"You dare to speak of the Blue Thunder in such a manner, peasant?" Kuno stepped forward, and if he noticed the mewling piles of those classmates who weren't mercifully unconscious, he didn't show it. "I am Tatewaki Kuno, rising star of the kendo world, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School! Your superior in breeding, skill, and manners."  
  
The boy simply cracked his knuckles again. "Ranma Saotome. Heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts. Any last words?"  
  
Tatewaki Kuno began his forms. "The words you will take with you, foolish one, is that none can better the supreme skill of Tatewaki Kuno. I am URK!"  
  
Ranma had blurred again, and had buried his fist into Tatewaki Kuno's stomach. Kuno curled up and was flying backwards when Ranma moved again at that blurring speed. A punch to the jaw straightened Kuno up, and a sweeping kick changed Kuno's trajectory again to throw him sideways into a tree. The tree cracked in half from the impact. Kuno didn't get up.  
  
Ranma stepped over and grabbed Kuno's bokken, then snapped it in half casually. "Now where's this bitch Akane who can't settle her own fights?"  
  
Akane looked up from the school gates where she'd been looking over the carnage. "Eh?"  
  
Ranma began walking towards her. "Akane Tendo, I presume? A friend of mine got hurt because you can't seem to just say no to these guys. Apparently you even encourage this shit."  
  
Akane went into a combat stance, eyes slitted. "These idiots can't take no for an answer! Stay out of my fight and my business if you know what's good for yaaaghhH!"  
  
Again Ranma had blurred. Now he slowly retracted his hand from where he'd bloodied Akane's nose. "Sorry. I didn't quite catch that. You were saying that you're going to resolve this little problem before anyone else gets hurt, right?"  
  
Akane stared at the trail of blood that stained her hands after she'd checked her face. "You? You hit me! You aaaaaa!"  
  
Akane had tried to hit the boy. He'd grabbed that arm and casually snapped it before stepping away again.  
  
"Miss Tendo. Fix these problems. Or I'll be back and this will look quite tame."  
  
---------  
  
"End simulation," said Serafita with a wince.  
  
"Well, 'what if Ares had raised Ranma' is clearly a case of someone worse than Genma at being a parent," admitted Celeste. "You win."  
  
"I'm not so sure," interrupted Rikard. "Ranma raised by Ares has superior fighting skills, doesn't blow things off, and is considerably more intelligent. You'll note that he fought to avenge a friend, nobody died, but they all got an 'eye for an eye' regarding that payback. While he still has some rough edges, rather like Phoenix Ikki from 'Saint Saeya', he even gave his opponents warning before he started crushing them. Brutal, perhaps, but efficient. It's quite likely that this will stop the Horde, though neither Kuno nor Akane are likely to permanently alter their behavior."  
  
Celeste checked something and nodded. "You're right about the Horde. They drop Akane, stating that someone now must defeat Ranma to date Akane since he managed to beat both Kuno and Akane. Kuno goes after Ranma for revenge. Ranma admits to being a black sorcerer and starts playing around with the trappings, he isn't of course, but enjoys screwing with Tatewaki's head. Hmmm. No Jusenkyo curse. No Amazons. Though he does run into serious problems with the Tong later on."   
  
"Could be worse," agreed Serafita.  
  
=================  
OMAKEOMAKEOMAKEOMAKEOMAKE  
  
Yet another Ranma opening you've never seen:  
What If Ranma Was Not Brain Damaged?  
  
Akane glared at the BOY. Kasumi and Nabiki merely looked concerned. A girl dragged in by a panda had requested that she use the bath real quick, Akane had walked in to see if this girl Ranma had needed something, seen a boy, and pretty much everything had gone to pot.  
  
"So you see, I can't marry nobody with a curse like this. Gettin' a cure is the first thing I need ta do," said Ranma reasonably, trying to hold back all the levels of thoroughly pissed off he was feeling over recent events.  
  
"Well, while you were playing around in the tub," said Genma, slapping Soun on the back, "Soun and me decided. You will marry Akane!"  
  
"WHAT?! ME? WHY SHOULD I MARRY THIS PERVERT?!" Akane alternated glaring at this *pervert* and shooting glares at her Father.  
  
Ranma pursed his lips and didn't say anything for a moment.  
  
"Ah, they're a perfect couple already!" Soun laughed.  
  
Ranma closed his eyes and stood. When he opened his eyes, he seemed to have a blue glow flitting about him.  
  
"PERVERT! YOU THINK I'M GOING ALONG WITH THIS, YOU'RE CRAZY!" In Akane's mind the fact that Ranma wasn't arguing meant that he had accepted this insane plan.  
  
"That's it. Oyaji." Ranma said this quietly and it almost went unheard between Akane continuing to rant, and the two fathers making wedding plans. "That. Is. It."  
  
This got a little bit more attention because Ranma's fist came down and smashed the table into tiny little pieces at the point of impact.  
  
Ranma held up one finger, shaking and his face a mask of anger. "Leaving home and mother." A second finger joined the first. "Leaving my best friend Ucchan behind." Third finger. "That pushing down the cliff crap." Fourth finger. "That pit of cats." Thumb spread before the hand became a fist and knuckles popped from how tight it immediately went. "That damn boys reform school." Finger from the other hand. "All the times you made me steal." Second finger. "All the times you stole my food or other lame training exercises." Third finger. "SWIMMING the Sea Of Japan to get to China." Fourth finger. "JUSENKYO!" Thumb joined fingers into a second fist. "AMAZON VILLAGE!" Ranma growled as he stood there, shaking. "Now you want me to get married to SOME PISSED OFF LITTLE DYKE?!"  
  
Akane blinked for a moment until the insult registered. "HEY!"  
  
"Father knows best Ranma. Honor demands that you..."  
  
"ARRRGGGHHHH!" Ranma gritted his teeth hard enough that his jaw ached. "Yet another of your little schemes. O-ya-ji. I *will* do the honorable thing. AFTER I commit patricide I will do what I need to do."  
  
"That's right, you'll marry..." Genma's voice trailed off. Had Ranma said what he thought Ranma had said. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Son, you shouldn't joke about these things." Soun said, laughing again.   
  
"DIE OYAJI!" Ranma launched himself. He wasn't holding back, he wasn't sparring, he wasn't trying to fight at the level of his opponent, he wasn't concerned about what collateral damage might be incurred by the Tendo home. They'd gone along with this, therefore they were as guilty as that damn panda.  
  
"hey, uhm," Nabiki was a little shaken. That wall needed to be replaced now. Oh and that boy was in the process of trying *literally* to kill his father. "Wait a minute..."  
  
Akane tried to get involved. Ranma spared a moment of his attention to kick the girl in the gut hard enough that she wouldn't be able to breathe for awhile. His father counterattacked in that breather. Ranma renewed his own assault.  
  
Genma was a formidable martial artist in his own right. It took nearly fifteen minutes for him to die.  
  
After that, Soun was much less insistent that Ranma marry a Tendo.  
  
And so it was actually a happy ending, in that Akane got what she originally wanted.  
  
**i got this from reading a story (Ranma Ichibunnoni) which started out promising but quickly deteriorated into an uncursed Ranma being stuck immediately engaged to Akane and then getting into that rut. i've only read two chapters and it doesn't look to break out of the usual forced relationships. *sigh*  
  
============  
  
omake  
  
"Yeesh, that Ranma fella sure got a passle of problems," the stranger in the hooded robes said in an obviously fake accent, looking at the Well from a distance.  
  
The long neck craning out of the mists was the why. Currently no one was allowed near the Well Of Mimir, after a minor imp had thrown one of Bast's favorite cats into a Ranma timeline.   
  
"Not all the time," said the dragon. "It's just that the more chaotic and strange timelines are the ones that get the most attention. Some are relatively peaceful."  
  
"A peaceful Ranma timeline?" The robed mortal said it as if the entire concept was alien.  
  
"Relatively," repeated the dragon. "Observe."  
  
------  
  
The pudgy man in threadbare clothing ran up to the ledge. "RAN! Get back here! This is not over by a long shot! Listen to your father, boy!"  
  
Ran rolled his eyes in mid-leap, landing lightly in the saddle and reaching for his thick gloves. "Get off that noise, old man! You know the old saying as well as I do."  
  
Gen yelled and waved his fist at his wayward son. "You get down here! You have greater responsibilities than to go joyriding across the continent!"  
  
Ran waved at his father, only using one finger. "Don't care for any more of your schemes, old man, no matter what it is. Just came by to say goodbye, and now we're out of time. 'Dragonriders must fly when Thread is in the sky!'"  
  
With that, his green dragon lifted off and went Between. Now was not the time for yet another idiot scheme from his father. Nor time for that old rivalry with Ryo from Fort Hold, nor the curious relationship between himself and that other green rider Uccha, or even that friendly young Healer he'd met from Honshu - Kasumi. No, now was the time to fly and fight Thread.  
  
This would probably be one of the last Threadfalls, but even then - why return back to his father's care when the old man was definitely persona non grata in three Holds? He'd had enough of that, and Ran was making a name for himself - not interested any longer in trying to redeem his father's.  
  
Nope. Thread was falling, and he was the rider of the green dragon Akane. Now was the time to fly.  
  
--------  
  
"You see," said the dragon. "Same spirit, same soul, many of the same elements. However, the Pern dragonrider Ran is much more at peace."  
  
"Boring," countered the stranger. "And it's a darkline. Ranma doesn't end up with a HUMAN Akane, after all."  
  
"If that's your definition of a darkline, yes." The dragon sighed. "As to the boring part, admittedly it doesn't feature gender-changing curses, and until the Abominators injure that Healer friend of his, he isn't nearly as violent. An adventure is someone else having a hard time, after all. No, the life and times of Ran of Honshu doesn't feature quite the same flavor of insanity you might expect. There is still conflict, however."  
  
"I don't even consider that a Ranma timeline. No Kodachi or Tatewaki Kuno. You can't consider it a Ranma timeline if he doesn't get cursed and isn't an obnoxious jerk."  
  
The dragon considered the odds of just tail lashing this fellow out of the area. Would he get in trouble, or wouldn't he? "Well, if *those* are your only objections."  
  
-------  
  
"Stupid old man. Ya just had to steal food from THEM!" Ranma knelt by the gravesite. "Ya never could think past yer belly, could'ja? Now look at what's goin' on. They cursed you to lose weight, so you could eat all you want but never digest anythin'. We almost made it back to civilization though. Don't know if the docs could'a done something but we almost made it.  
  
"Of course, they cursed me as well, damn 'em. Said that bein' the son of a thief and a thief myself, I needed a new life. And that cause I wasn't manly by THEIR standards, that I ought to be 'un' manned." Ranma looked down at her hands. "Accordin' to THEM, I'll get more 'girly' the longer I'm like this. The only cure from what they were sayin' is for me to act manly by THEIR standards. And then if I do something 'unmanly' like insult someone, steal, or hit someone 'without just cause' - then I'm back to bein' a girl. And if I've really screwed up, they said I'll get even more girlish, whatever *that* means."  
  
Ranma looked down at the hastily dug grave. She wouldn't cry, it wasn't manly. THEY had a largely stoic warrior culture, similar to samurai in some respects. Well she'd beat this thing. She'd *be* a samurai and beat the curse, then she'd go back and beat the snot out of that old witch doctor.  
  
-------  
  
"Where's the Kunos, the Tendos, the Chardins, the Golden Pair?" The robed mortal was demanding of the dragon. "What makes this a real Ranma timeline?"  
  
"There's your curse. He meets the Kunos, does a formal challenge of Tatewaki, defeats him *in Kendo*, and thereby earns Kuno's enmity. He never gets involved with the Tendos, the Chardins, Happosai, the Golden Pair, or those because his father never told him about the Tendo arrangement." The dragon gestured and the view changed. "See. He starts to lose some of his bad habits and we see less and less of the redhaired girl. Flavors kind of 'Ruroni Kenshin' but not bad overall."  
  
"Not a comedy, more a character study." Holding both thumbs down, the robed man made a disgusted noise. "If Akane doesn't get Ranma, it's not a real Ranma story. And none of these wimpy Akane stories either, no fair exchanging Akane and Kasumi's personalities. Remember: Akane always wins and is never wrong."  
  
"Gotcha."  
  
--------  
  
The blue haired girl in the blue and white sailor seifuku backed up against a wall, shaking her head. "No, please..."  
  
The teenage girl raised her cane. "That's enough! Freeze card, your power be confined!"  
  
"Noooooooo!" Sailor Mercury screamed, her body dissolving into white mist which quickly resolidified in a different form.  
  
Akane held up the Freeze card - engraved with the image of a sleeping Sailor Mercury. "All right, *another* easy capture. Maybe the next one..."  
  
--------  
  
"What the HECK was THAT?!"  
  
The dragon blinked down. "Akane learned the ways of magic, and approached it with the same fine attention to detail she uses in cooking, as well as the same obstinate manner she insists on using in trying to breathe water in order to swim. So she follows the instructions in some old scrolls by a guy named Clow Reed where he was making notes on how he created a Key Of Clow."  
  
"Ranma is the FIGHT Card?!"  
  
"She got some details wrong," the dragon said. "Her first capture was unintentional. She turned her eldest sister into the Cooking Card. She also hasn't found a way to permanently release anyone, though she currently thinks that if she's defeated, her cards will be released. So far nobody's managed."  
  
"But that's..."  
  
"Tatewaki became the Sword Card, Kodachi is the Ribbon Card, Genma escaped after seeing his son turned into a playing card, Kasumi is the Cooking Card. Nabiki panicked on finding out that little sister's playing at magic was for real and Kasumi was now just a card in a deck. She shouldn't have told Akane she was going to try and stop her. So Nabiki ended up the Sneak Card. Akane's been challenging youma, the Sailor Senshi, Devilhunters, and anyone else she thinks she has a chance of defeating her."  
  
"But..."  
  
"She's never wrong, she's never been defeated. Of course, at this point she's gone off the deep end. Usual obsessiveness level, don't you think? She's got Ranma. Hmmm. Looks like she just got Sailor Mars/Fire Card too. Racking up quite a score, isn't she?"  
  
"NO! NO! NO!"  
  
The dragon snorted a cloud of frost. "Okay, if *that* didn't work, then how about this one?" Upbeat and brassy theme music began to play.  
  
---------  
  
"Yo, Pops, are you sure about this?" Ranma pulled the car up to the front curb, eyeing the place. "Well, it's fairly sizable for Tokyo, but it's kinda declasse too."  
  
Genma wasn't sure how far he could press this stranger. If only he hadn't lost Ranma all those years ago. Now, reunited when the boy had dropped by to say hello because it was his 16th Birthday, the Ranma he was facing was almost entirely different from the child he'd wanted to raise as a socially inept, dependent, martial artist.   
  
Ranma opened his door, stretching out as he uncramped himself. "So, what kinda treasures are in this place, ya been kinda vague so far."  
  
"Uhm, *great* treasures. You'll see," Genma said, heading for the front door at full speed.  
  
Ranma stared for a moment, then shrugged with a smirk. Tapping a cufflink, he spoke quietly into it. "Y'all there?"  
  
Curiously enough, two voices emanated from the cufflink a moment later. "Am listening." "Hai, Ranchan!"  
  
Ranma's smirk deepened a little bit and he twisted the cufflink to "Transmit Only." Just in case the old man was selling him out.   
  
The interior of the house wasn't as bad as the outside. Kinda homey, actually. At the doorway, Ranma turned and thumbed a remote at his car. The door shut and the alarm system bleeped. Just in case.  
  
Then some human water fountain tried to grab him.  
  
--------  
  
"Hey, I didn't mean to hit him that hard, he kinda startled me." Ranma spread his hands as if to say "what else could I do?"  
  
Akane glared. Not only was she (or one of her sisters) supposed to be engaged to this BOY, he had just used some underhanded sneaky manuever to knock her dad out!  
  
"So, uhm, Ranma?" Nabiki decided to cut to the heart of the matter. She thought he was fairly cute, his clothes were fairly expensive, and that watch certainly was. Was he rich, or wasn't he?  
  
"Yeah?" Ranma looked the place over and decided that if these people had a treasure, it would have to be a secret because their security was nonexistent.  
  
Soun awoke, groaning. "What hit me?"  
  
"Sorry about that," Ranma said. "You startled me. Not a healthy thing to do. So, Pops, you wanna go ahead and tell me where the treasure is?"  
  
"You will marry one of Soun's daughters. Who are, after all, treasures." Genma tried to look solemn and all-knowing from his position behind the table.  
  
Ranma stared for a moment, then chuckled. "Yeah right. Ya had me goin' there for a minute. Now come on, ya been telling me about some great treasure I was supposed to inherit..."  
  
"That would be the Tendo Dojo, after you've married one of my little girls. This is Kasumi, she's 19. Nabiki is 17, and Akane is 16. Pick which one you'd like and she'll be your new bride."  
  
Ranma's smile slowly evaporated. "Ya gotta be kidding me? Why would I even *want* a dojo?"  
  
That question seemed to catch Soun AND his daughters off guard. "B-because it's a matter of honor. You MUST marry one of my daughters and carry on the School of Anything Goes Martial Arts."  
  
Ranma scratched his head. "Well, if it's Anything Goes, I've already got it, and a dojo would just kinda be superfluous to that kinda style wouldn't it?"  
  
"GENMA?!" Soun rounded on his old friend for an explanation.  
  
"Errr, six years ago, I, uhm." Genma began sweating heavily as he tried to cover himself.  
  
"Six years ago he sold me to some guy to pay off his bartab," Ranma said smoothly. "The guy he sold me to tried to use me in a scam, then leave me off with some police. 'Cept I didn't want to be left behind. Food was better, and this guy happened to have tricks that Pops here couldn't pull off if his life depended on it. So I stuck around, applied the old 'anything goes means *anything* can be martial arts training' schtick, and trained with this guy and his gang for awhile. At age 16, I seperated from my sensei, and last I heard he was going into retirement. At least if Zenigata will let him."  
  
"Errr, so. That's nice? Which daughter did you say you'll take?" Soun glared at his friend's son. There were only three answers he was prepared to accept.   
  
Ranma shrugged and stood up. "Don't see any reason to remain. By selling me, Pops essentially sold me out of the clan. Far as I'm concerned, the guy he sold me to is my new clan. So it's not Ranma Saotome no more. It's Ranma Lupin, adopted son of Arsene Lupin III."  
  
"Lupin?!" Kasumi blinked in astonishment, having read of the masterthief's exploits.  
  
"Lupin?" Nabiki mused that over and considered that this might be a *very* good match.  
  
"Lupin?" Akane said. Well, he couldn't be much of a martial artist then. Waitaminute, that meant that this Ranma was an international thief too! Therefore it was the duty of a true martial artist to apprehend him. "Well, I'll just call the police. Stay there and I won't have to hurt you."  
  
Ranma's smirk returned. "Just try."  
  
"Watch me!" Akane said confidently.  
  
*SPLASH!*  
  
"Wow, good aim!" Nabiki said after a moment. "Dead center in the koi pond."  
  
Ranma straightened his vest. "Hey, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing with class."  
  
---------  
  
"No, this is STILL wrong! Akane never makes mistakes! She's perfect and unsullied. Sweet and demure. Even tempered and gentle and trustworthy! She's a perfect virgin goddess!"  
  
"Which Akane are we talking about... ?!" The dragon lunged forward, snagged the cloak, and tugged it away. "AHA! i thought so!"  
  
"Hey! That's mine! Give it back!"  
  
"Got lost again, eh, Ryouga?"  
  
===========  
  
Ranma has Kittens, an omake  
  
"Uhnnnn," Ranma slowly struggled back to consciousness. "Stupid old man, hitting me from behind like that! What ya do that for, anyway?"  
  
"Because if I told you what was waiting for you here, you'd have left the country," Genma said from nearby.  
  
Ranma looked around. There was his father and some other guy about the same age. "Yeah, and what the blazes was the reason we needed to get here anyway?"  
  
"There is a matter of old honor, an agreement between families," began Genma.  
  
"Cut to the chase scene old man! What the hell is so damn important it has to be done *now?*"  
  
"Many years ago, we served a terrible Master. Who did something horrible to my wife, a threat he made to use magic against her unless she gave in to his demands. She did not. He followed through."  
  
Ranma settled down slightly. Vengeance he could understand. Magic could be like the curse, so maybe it had a bearing after all and wasn't just another stupid idea of his father. "Yeah, yeah, so why me and why now?"  
  
"You just turned sixteen," pointed out Genma.   
  
Ranma nodded. Okay, but all that meant was that he had just fallen into a legal twilight zone. He wasn't supposed to drink sake, or drive, or do a lot of other things. "So what was this curse? She didn't turn into a panda with cold water, did she?"  
  
"Worse," said Soun, looking into his tea. Then the waterfalls began as Soun Tendo lost it.  
  
Genma cleared his throat. "She died, Ranma. The Master attempted a spell that would turn her into his 'pet' - but it was not completely successful. He never *did* get that curse right."  
  
"BWaaaaaaah," continued Soun.  
  
"Originally, we were going to have you marry one of Soun's daughters," began Genma.  
  
"WHAT?!" Ranma found himself standing and glaring at his father.  
  
"Unfortunately, that isn't possible," finished Genma, raising an eyebrow and meeting Ranma's gaze.  
  
"Oh." Ranma sat back down, now feeling bad about his outburst.   
  
"Ohhh! Poor Kimiko!" Soun said between wordless wailing. "Not only to die but have her humanity stolen!"  
  
"Something like a Jusenkyo curse?" Ranma asked his father.  
  
"No turning back to normal with hot water," said Genma solemnly.   
  
"Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane. My three daughters. They were born after the Master..."  
  
"His three daughters are not legally human. Therefore you can't marry them." Genma evidently regretted it. "Almost but not quite. So you can go search for a cure, but after you adopt them as pets."  
  
"WHAT?!" Ranma found himself standing again. "What kinda agreement is..."  
  
"Oh myaow! This is Ranma?"  
  
"Nyaa! He's pretty cute!"   
  
"Yeah, mya, maybe this could work out."  
  
Ranma stood paralyzed and slowly turned towards the interruption. One girl was wearing a frilly apron. Another was wearing a pair of shorts and a tight top. The third was wearing a gi.  
  
They were catgirls.  
  
"Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-CAT!"  
  
Three sets of ears went flat as their new owner went racing through a door without benefit of opening it.  
  
"Well, *that* didn't work out," summed up Nabiki.  
  
"We ought to give chase," suggested Akane, who'd seen this in an American cartoon about a French skunk.  
  
"That's the ticket, don't let him get away," encouraged Soun.  
  
Genma shook his head. If he'd only read the last page of that manual... Oh well. It wasn't his fault after all.  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere not far away, three kittens cornered Ranma Saotome. It was when he started to meow that things got really weird.  
  
=========  
  
  
Continuing with Unusual Beginnings:  
  
---------  
  
Soun was flabbergasted. He'd gotten a postcard from Genma stating simply:  
Need help. Be there soon. Genma.  
  
Then a *panda* of all things had shown up at his front door, looked around, then headed for the furo. This had been followed by Genma at last appearing, though without Ranma despite their old agreement. A demonstration and explanation of Jusenkyo had occurred, but now Soun could hold his tearful question back any longer.  
  
"But what about your son, Saotome? What about our pledge to join the two families?"  
  
"I'm rather curious myself," said Nabiki from her position at the crowded table.  
  
Genma went into his most solemn expression. "The trouble started when we visited a village of Chinese Amazons."  
  
"'Chinese Amazons'? Get real," snorted Akane. Personally she was glad there was no boy to show up, though she'd never admit she was actually curious about this anyway.  
  
"Yes, and while Ranma is supremely confident in his martial arts skills," Genma paused to scarf four rice balls and take a gulp of hot tea, "I was certain to undercut his confidence in everything else in life. To make him more tractable and easily dominated by one of your daughters for the marriage."  
  
"Good thinking, Saotome," agreed Soun, not noticing the frowns appearing on two of his daughters' faces.  
  
Genma nodded. "Unfortunately, even with my sabotage of his friends and social life, making sure he grew up so ready for a friend that he would be truly desperate for any kindness your daughters could show him, something unexpected occurred at that village."  
  
----------  
  
Shampoo smiled confidently. She'd just given the Kiss Of Death. The Guide was panicked and explaining to this interloper what she'd just done. Now, would this Outsider show herself worthy of joining the tribe by courageously standing her ground, or would she be revealed as a coward by fleeing - and therefore worthy only of contempt?  
  
Uh oh. Why was the Outsider girl looking all sparkly-eyed like that? What was with the drifting sakura petals and pink light? Judging from the happy oblivious look on the girl's face, Shampoo made a wild guess that this girl hadn't even heard one word the Jusenkyo Guide had said. What was with all the roses in the background? This wasn't the flower festival!  
  
*GLOMP! SNUGGLE! KISS!*  
  
Shampoo's eyebrows attempted to rise past her hairline. She was being kissed?! A light kiss, almost identical to the Kiss Of Death she'd just given. Now the girl's blue sparkly eyes were brimming over with tears and she was staring right into Shampoo's eyes. Waitaminute, this was NOT how this was supposed to go!  
  
*HUG!*   
  
Shampoo considered fainting. The girl was saying something in that odd language and hugging her so hard that Shampoo felt ribs creaking. "AHHHHH! SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL THIS GIRL WHAT I JUST DID!"  
  
A gentle, inexperienced, hesitant, kiss to the lips was Shampoo's answer. Then this girl laid her head on Shampoo's shoulder and said something else in their odd language, almost drowsily.  
  
"Uhm? Excuse me?" Shampoo started trying to get herself free, without success.  
  
Cologne pogosticked up. If the girl had run, she would have been deemed a coward. Shampoo would have been dishonored, then have to chase after the girl and humiliate her. Death actually wasn't the usual way for things to go, but the Amazons had to keep up appearances. If she had stood her ground, ready for a fight, she would have gotten a feast and party as she became a member of the tribe. THIS didn't quite fit.  
  
"Help! Great Grandmother! This pervert..." Shampoo began to choke. The girl was responding to Shampoo's attempts to free herself by practically grafting herself on.  
  
Cologne listened to the barely audible muttering. Shampoo had seen through the curse? This girl had been alone for a long time except for a "stupid father" and...  
  
Cologne listened further to the barely coherent rambling, then fixed her gaze upon a panda who had snuck back to the feast table and had begun scarfing food rapidly.  
  
A severely underconfident young lady, who had never had friends, never known family, never had any fun or home she could call her own? And a PIT OF CATS?!  
  
Cologne encapsulated the girl's rambling into a shorter form. An abused child? One who had been recklessly endangered by her father? Never allowed to know her mother? No friends?  
  
The disgust and annoyance focussed on the Outsider changed to looks of sympathy.  
  
Cologne's staff flicked out. Curses had been mentioned. THAT was the Jusenkyo Guide. A cup of hot tea from one onlooker was launched. A panda turned into an overweight man.  
  
"Kill the panda!" "Abusive fathers must die!" "Let me slash his ears off!"   
  
Shampoo had fainted, otherwise she would have volunteered. If nothing else just to get away from the hydraulic press that was this girl's hug.  
  
--------  
  
"It is a matter of family honor, RANMA'S family honor," insisted Genma. "You know how much weight giri has in Japan..."  
  
Cologne nodded. "Certainly it would be best not to inflict any further dishonor on the poor child."  
  
Genma let out a deep breath of relief. "Fine then. We'll just be going."  
  
"Oh? What exactly is this 'we' you are referring to?"  
  
Genma froze again. "But you just said..."  
  
The wrinkled old crone smiled. "Genma Saotome, upon interviewing with you and young Ranma, it has been determined that you are a loathsome, dishonorable, pathetic, lazy, small time thief and large time glutton."  
  
"HEY!" Genma disagreed with this assessment. He wasn't loathsome!  
  
"The only reason you haven't been sold to the Beijing Zoo is because it was felt that losing even a miserable excuse for a family member like you would have negative effects on your child's precarious mental health." If Lilac's glare was any hotter Genma would have combusted. "Abused children, particularly abused women, have often been adopted by the tribe."  
  
"...but Ranma is a boy..." Genma squeaked, being surrounded by a large number of really old women whom he knew (from three attempts to rescue Ranma and flee the village) could severely kick his butt whether he was in panda form or human.  
  
"Yes, we know." Cologne sat back, considering whether to make just one tiny movement. One little signal that would have this person mailed home in a zip-loc pouch. The one quart variety. No. A pity. But no. "One who has been adopted into the tribe." Though this really upset Mousse. It was quite strange that Mousse simply could not seem to grasp that Ranma and Shampoo were *friends* now. Siblings by adoption. Though on seeing what Ranma looked like as a boy, and what could have been her husband, Shampoo had managed to dent a support post when she had beat her head against it. Still, Cologne thought it was all *mainly* sorted out.  
  
"Therefore, *your* family role is secondary - if existent at all." Lilac was an earthy sort of Healer, and a dirty old woman, and a lot of things. Child abuse was one of those things that caused her to put aside the Healer's role temporarily.   
  
"So you can leave and put things aright back in your homeland. Meanwhile, Ranma can spend time here with his new sister and try to recover from having you as a father," Cologne pronounced.  
  
"Why should I agree to something so ridiculous?" Genma huffed at the old woman.  
  
"It gets you out of our village, and alive," pointed out Cologne.  
  
Genma considered the old women briefly. Survival was a good thing, but greed... "Throw in dinner and it's a deal."  
  
-------  
  
"Saotome, how could you?!" Soun groaned, though well remembering how easily Genma would cave at the offer of food.  
  
"All is not lost, Tendo. If your three daughters travel to the Amazon village, we can present Ranma this as an obligation of honor. They will *have* to let Ranma go so that he can marry one of your daughters, and the marriage can take place on the spot!"  
  
"Good thinking, Saotome!" Soun smiled and turned to his daughters. "You see, girls, he's... Where did they go?"  
  
==========  
  
  
"An Ultimate Technique?"  
  
Genma nodded to Soun. "Yes. I had considered the Catfist, supposedly an unbeatable technique which allowed the practitioner to fight with feline agility and speed."  
  
Akane frowned, unsuccessfully hiding her jealousy at the thought of learning a special manuever like that.  
  
"Unfortunately," Genma continued, "the next page not only described the idea of training someone in that technique as a moron, but pointed out that the technique is easily defeated by using indirect methods such as throwing a cat toy out."  
  
"Ah, I see," Soun nodded wisely.  
  
"I considered training Ranma in 'Hyuri's Fury' - transforming him into an unstoppable berserker," continued Genma again. "However, that technique also has its flaws." Genma didn't state that his main reason for not teaching that technique to Ranma was that most likely Ranma would be guilty of patricide eventually. Which would seriously put a crimp in his father's plans of living a comfortable and indolent retirement.  
  
"I see," repeated Soun.  
  
"There were many 'Ultimate Techniques' that I considered teaching Ranma. Many were 'Instant Kill' methods like the Hokuto Shin Ken or Shiva's Touch. The problem with those was that I couldn't find the current practitioners of such techniques, much less uncover anything better than a first hand account of having seen the results of the technique."  
  
Soun nodded. This *still* didn't explain why Ranma was not present.  
  
"There were evasion techniques like the Instantaneous Teleport and the Shadowleap, but those evaded me as well. There were hints and rumors of methods to awaken one's full chi potential, the power of magic, or psychic talents within a disciple." Genma sighed deeply and tried to look stoic and dignified.  
  
Kasumi thought that Genma looked constipated and made a note to get some high fiber foods.  
  
"I tracked down rumors of strange and esoteric martial arts manuevers. The 'Hadoken', 'Limbic Kai', 'Drop Dead Gorgeous', 'Soul Fist', 'Sarcophogus Surprise', and many others. Some I was able to have Ranma learn, and add to the boy's arsenal. We travelled to Tibet and India where he studied under masters of chi."  
  
Soun interrupted eagerly. "Wait a moment. Did you learn these methods yourself?"  
  
"Uhm, no, actually. All of the various sensei refused to show me the secret of their craft, and one of them used some manuever on Ranma so that he would only reveal those secrets to a worthy heir."  
  
Nabiki snorted. Well, from what she had seen so far of her father's friend, she could see why some martial arts master would be reluctant to show Genma their secrets. Ranma though must be pretty special or at least promising for them to confide in his son.  
  
"So did you succeed in teaching him an Ultimate Technique?" Soun pressed.  
  
"Well, that would depend on what you mean by an Ultimate Technique..." hedged Genma.  
  
"An Ultimate Technique, also called a Combo, a Hissatsu Waza, a Finishing Move, or a Special Manuever, is either a single manuever which bypasses the target's defenses, or (more often) is actually a set of related moves which are a next stage in martial arts," recited Kasumi with her eyes closed. She read a lot. "They are as advanced above a regular martial art such as judo as a judo master is above an untrained person. Often the Ultimate Technique carries a price - either in difficulty in acquiring the technique, pain and suffering in learning the technique, special bloodlines or ceremonies to even begin learning the technique, mental instability or insanity caused by the technique, demonic or divine possession, quests, an Epic Fate, or some other great hardship which is laid upon the practitioner's karma."  
  
Everyone spent a moment staring at Kasumi as she finished.  
  
"Yes, well," Genma began.   
  
There was a knocking at the front door. Nabiki brightened immediately and began running towards it. This could be Ranma at last.  
  
"Hello, are... you... Ranma?!" Nabiki stared at the tall, muscular, handsome boy. No, not handsome. He was drop dead gorgeous!   
  
The boy sighed deeply, reached down to the fallen girl, and used a pressure point manuever to restart her heart. "Yeah, I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."  
  
=======  
  
Display: Chronos' Bet Entry  
SimLine: RN-MK-201310  
  
"...recently they crossed into China," said Soun.  
  
"Wow! China!" Nabiki exclaimed. China was neat!  
  
"What's so great about China?" Akane said with a hmph. The Chinese weren't so hot. If they were, they'd be Japanese.  
  
"Is he cute?" Nabiki said with a grin. Cute would earn her overlooking a lot of little problems with the situation.  
  
"I don't know about this, father. Aren't we too young?" Kasumi, the ever practical one, fretted. Just her luck it would turn out to be some old man.  
  
"What kind of boy *is* this Ranma?" Nabiki and Kasumi chorused while Akane played with one of her toys.  
  
"Don't have a clue," laughed Soun. "No idea."  
  
"'No idea'," said Nabiki, disbelievingly.  
  
"I've never met him," admitted Soun.   
  
A few moments later, a panda had brought a young girl in and set her before the four Tendos. However, Akane's reaction was a lot more positive.  
  
"Wai wai, panda! Wai wai, a panda! Giddyup, Panda-san!"   
  
Such as straddling the panda's neck with her legs while repeatedly hitting the panda with a plastic shovel. Which lasted until the stranger girl got tired of all this, went into the kitchen, returned with a kettle of hot water and doused the panda.  
  
"Okay, Pop, what the heck were you thinking when you came up with *this* plan?" Ranma wanted to know.  
  
Tendo looked at the panda-turned-man. "Uhm, Saotome, can you explain this?"  
  
"What about you Tendo?!" Genma gestured at the three girls.  
  
"After we talked, well," Soun shrugged. "Kimiko and I decided to wait on having children. Ranma, these are my three daughters. Kasumi, she's fourteen. Nabiki, she's twelve. Akane, she's ten. Pick anyone you like. She'll be your new fiancee."  
  
"He's a hottie," proclaimed Kasumi, not really knowing what the term meant.  
  
"He's a girl?" Nabiki reached up and squeezed. Felt like a girl.  
  
"Please don't do that," Ranma groaned. He couldn't believe this. Well at least marriageable age in Tokyo was 16. He had at least two years to find a way out of this.  
  
"Okay, then *she's* a hottie," declared Kasumi, glomping on and emitting serious cuteness rays.  
  
Akane scowled up at Ranma. "You better not try to be my Mommy!"  
  
Ranma scowled as the littlest Tendo started kicking him in the shins. "I'm a guy damnit."  
  
One demonstration of Jusenkyo curses later.  
  
"NEAT!" Nabiki said, a glass of hot water and a glass of cold water in each hand. "I wonder what would happen if I hit you with both at the same time, would you be a boy and a girl?"  
  
"I'm not instant ramen, you know," grumbled Ranma.  
  
Kasumi splashed water around in the bowl as she tried to make tea.  
  
-----click-------  
  
"Ranma, you, you," Ryouga looked at the little girl hiding behind Ranma, "you *pedophile!*"  
  
"Hey, it ain't like that! Our fathers came up with this weird idea!" Ranma stopped abruptly. "What's a pedophile?"  
  
Nabiki sighed. "Later, Ranma. Fight now, expository dialogue later."  
  
"Oh. Right."  
  
Kasumi stalked forward. "You big meanie!"  
  
"Excuse me?" Ryouga found himself backing up before this girl's wrath.  
  
"Stop picking on my Ranma!" Kasumi stood under five feet. She somehow managed to loom over the taller Ryouga.   
  
"Uhm, Kasumi, this is my fight." Ranma gave a helpless look towards Ryouga.  
  
Ryouga misinterpreted that look. "So Ranma, you hide behind helpless little girls!"  
  
Akane twitched and stalked forward. "HEY! Who are you calling helpless?!"  
  
"Uhm," Ryouga hedged. "Well, it's nothing personal. I mean you're just a little kid..."  
  
Akane twitched some more. "KID?! KID! You're saying I'm some weak little girl?!"   
  
Ryouga put his hand down on the ten year old's head as she windmilled her arms in an attempt to hit him. "Uhm. Shouldn't you be playing with your dollies or something?"  
  
At that moment Akane filed Ryouga under "people whose butt I will kick when I get older".  
  
Ranma shrugged. Maybe he could run into Ryouga somewhere away from the kids. They tended to steal any scenes they were in.  
  
----click----  
  
Herb groaned. "And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling kids."  
  
Akane stuck her tongue out and pulled back one eyelid. "Beeeeee DAH!"  
  
"I don't wanna pose," Ranma said, sulking.  
  
Kasumi reached into her pack. "Would you do it for a Ranma-snack?"  
  
=============  
  
  
omakeomakeomakeomake  
  
once again with an attempt to radically depart from the standard "Meet The Tendos" opening. Reworking of an earlier attempt.  
  
TAKE TWO: KITTENS OMAKE  
  
Soun nodded to himself as his three daughters dutifully gathered. He schooled himself to try and restrain himself from getting too emotional at this moment. When they were finally settled down, he merely produced the postcard. "Ranma is coming."  
  
*snatch!*  
  
Akane stared at the card now in Nabiki's hands. "He's coming?!" *bounce bounce bounce*  
  
"Oh, thank goodness," Kasumi said, wiping away tears. "I'm not getting any younger, you know."  
  
"Finally! Thank the kami!" Nabiki made a note to visit a temple and light some incense. Ever practical, Nabiki shot a glance at her father. "You'll deal with that father of his?"  
  
Soun nodded, a gleam entering his eyes. Bonds of friendship forged through mutual suffering was one thing, but to harm HIS little girls... Soun Tendo might be a blubbering weenie but he was a blubbering weenie who had his limits.  
  
Kidnapping his little girls so they could be thrown into a pit with some other girls and starved so that Genma could try and teach his son some lame martial arts manuever had not sat well with Soun Tendo. Nope.  
  
Nabiki was mumbling with an eerie light in her eyes. "...and I will pet him and pat him and love him and squeeze him and rub his tummy and..."  
  
Kasumi was listening to Nabiki and nodding. Sounded like a game plan. Akane merely continued to bounce around like Tigger.  
  
A commotion out front served to penetrate Soun's reverie.  
  
"That must be them!" Akane squealed, rushing for the door.  
  
*THWAM* *THWAM* *TRAMPLE* *TRAMPLE*  
  
A panda groaned from the ground where it had been knocked down, then run over. A redhaired girl moaned likewise from the same treatment.  
  
"Where is he?" Kasumi asked, feeling *very* disappointed. "Oh... poor Ranma... I'm sure he hasn't been eating well. I..." *sniff* *sniff*  
  
Akane stopped prowling the compound as well and began sniffing. "That scent!"  
  
Nabiki, with the sharpest senses, dropped next to the girl and began sniffing her. "Smells like Ranma - but the hormones are different."  
  
"oooooo." The redhead propped herself up and tried to focus on the fuzzy shape sniffing at her. "Nabiki?! I..."  
  
Nabiki was joined by her two sisters who continued to sniff. After the girl passed out again, a decision was reached.  
  
-----------  
  
Ranma awoke and shot to the ceiling in a single motion.   
  
Nabiki looked up at where Ranma was clinging to the ceiling. "Nyaa. I told you not to groom him *there*, Akane."  
  
Akane merely smiled and licked her lips.  
  
Kasumi merely crouched down and prepared to spring.  
  
"Hey, waitaminute, I..." Ranma managed before three catgirls pounced on him and commenced cuddling.  
  
Soun watched for a few moments, wiping tears from his eyes. "That's the way! Don't take no for an answer. Ah, you do your father proud!"  
  
"What are they doing, Tendo?" Genma mumbled from where his head had been imbedded in the ceiling.  
  
"Well, Saotome, you know how the Master cast that spell on my wife - turning her into a semihuman animal? And how my daughters are fortunately more human than Kimiko ended up, but are still catgirls?"  
  
More mumbling from Genma that sounded like an agreement. After all, it had been that cute lil' catgirl Ukyo who had thrown the martial arts training manual in that canal. With the ink wet and pages stuck together, Genma had needed to rely on educated guesses as to the contents.  
  
"Well, legally, they can't marry Ranma," said Soun in a sad voice. "Not in Japan, anyway. Yet. However, he *can* adopt them as his pets and if children develop it will prove that they *are* human. Tails and ears and fur and claws not withstanding."  
  
"mmmmmf!" Genma protested.  
  
"By the way, Saotome, I just made a few calls." Soun smiled at how well his daughters were getting along with Ranma. There may be new kits on the way before long, at least if Akane had *her* say in the matter. Such a perverted little kitty she was.  
  
"Calls?" Genma said, still trying to get his head out of the ceiling.  
  
"Yes. When you rounded up all those daughters of victims of Happosai's 'sexpet curse' experiments to use that pit of catgirls, you certainly made an impression on them and their families. Did it work, by the way?"  
  
"Uhmm. No. Not really," said Genma from his position. "Instead of being starved for three days and then attacking my son to get the fish sausages tied to his body, they instead apparently took the sausages off and cuddled with him to get warm and due to some odd affectionate instinct. I tried everything, Tendo. Fish paste, salmon cakes, catnip. I starved them for almost a week once. They didn't attack him. They *bonded* with him. It got so that he was begging to be thrown into the pit just so he 'could feed the kitties'. Shameful. What a worthless son!"  
  
"And then, when they tried to escape *with* Ranma, you beat them down," said Soun, eyeing his friend as if the overweight man was a pinata and the shinnai in his hands would be used to break it open.  
  
"I *had* to, Tendo! It was for the sake of The Art!" Genma paused in his efforts to work himself free. "Errr. Waitaminute. What phone calls?"  
  
"Oh, that cute lil kitten Ukyo works nearby," said Soun casually. "Then there's those girls from Juuban. Though I don't expect those girls from that village of warrior catgirls (Nekojoketsuzoku?) to arrive here for quite some time yet."  
  
*DING DONG!*  
  
Genma froze as the front doorbell rang. Then, on hearing an angry feminine voice, finally managed to rip his head free of the ceiling. He had to reach up to pull his glasses out, and the sight that was then revealed was *not* very comforting.  
  
There was the lionlike Katsumi, err, Kasumi. Pleasant little smile on her face while she looked on. There was the housecatlike Nabiki, eyes narrowed and gleaming. There was the tiger-striped Akane, teeth gleaming and claws extended.  
  
There was also a number of other girls: some catgirls, a foxgirl, a pair of bunnygirls, a mousegirl, and a few other types. All looking very very peeved.  
  
Soun sighed and cleared out of the way. "Comfort yourself with this, Saotome. My daughters and your son will likely get along very well. And what they do to you is only practice for when and if the Master ever returns. Girls? Try to clean up after you're done."  
  
"Tendo?" Genma blinked as his old buddy Soun walked off without a backwards glance. He couldn't actually be...  
  
Somehow Genma *knew* that the Crouch of the Wild Tiger wasn't going to get him out of this.  
  
------click------  
  
Kuno stood before the gates of the school. Here were the two abominations, joined by their sister this time! Clearly this could not be tolerated.  
  
"Hold, thou mockeries of humanity! The noble Tatewaki Kuno defends this institution from thy influence! The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High shall not tolerate thy presence in the hallowed halls of learning. Animals such as yourselves need only learn obediance to thy master, and the great Blue Thunder doth think that only he can put thee in thy proper place."  
  
"Geez, is this guy fond of hearing himself talk or what?" Ranma frowned as he noticed how the girls had cringed at this guy's posturing. What had this moron done to them?  
  
"You there!" Kuno pointed his bokken at the boy standing with the catgirls. "How dare you address these subhumans so familiarly. Only by being properly owned by myself can their fate be salvaged!"  
  
"Huh? Oh, I'm Ranma Saotome. Anything Goes School of Martial Arts. And well..."  
  
Akane saw the chance for mischief and to distance herself from Kuno. Just because she *was* a fierce tigress didn't mean she wanted to have Kuno keep up with this stuff. "He's staying with us. And he's my little Ranma-chan!" *GLOMP!* *SNUGGLE!* *PURRRRRRRRR!*  
  
"Hey! Waitaminute!" Ranma protested but it was too late. "I never agreed to..."  
  
*GLOMP!* *GLOMP!*  
  
Steam practically shot out of Kuno's ears as he saw the three catgirls hugging themselves to this interloper. "You... you... FIEND! I SHALL SMITE THEE!"  
  
Three cats looked up as one, letting go of Ranma.  
  
*SLICE!* *BITE!* *SLASH!*  
  
Kuno was still staring at the nub of his bokken, his clothes falling shredded around him, while Kasumi delicately cleaned the blood from her mouth where she'd bitten his arm. "ouch..."  
  
Akane grabbed the front of Kuno's hakama and dragged his head down to eye level with her. Her ears were back, her teeth were bared, her eyes narrowed, and her claws were fully extended. She didn't look happy, in other words. "Kuno. How *dare* you threaten my Ranma!"  
  
"...but I wanted to be the one to defeat him in a casual yet aggravating manner," sulked Ranma.  
  
Akane glared deeply into Kuno's eyes. "You threaten my Ranma again and you'll regret it."  
  
"...*our* Ranma," corrected Nabiki. She was the neko ninja, after all. Akane would likely hurt Kuno, whereas Nabiki could be very clever in her means of vengeance.  
  
Kuno broke out of the hold, leaving Akane clutching a torn piece of cloth in her hand. "I shall not tolerate this! I..."  
  
"Hurrrrr?! Someone's threatening *my* Ranchan?" Cute little kitten Ukyo's eyes were slits as she stalked forward, having just arrived, transfer papers getting tucked into her bookbag.  
  
"Morons is for killing," suggested Shampoo, stalking forward with Ukyo.  
  
"Morons is for killing?" Ukyo said speculatively.  
  
"It has a ring to it," agreed Akane.  
  
"Morons is for killing," mused Nabiki, picturing t-shirts with the logo. Hmmm.  
  
Kuno pulled a spare bokken out of nowhere. "Know that you face the undefeated Blue Thunder. I shall prove my prowess and free thee of this unwanted ownership. Then we may..."  
  
Battle auras flared. Claws were extended. Tatewaki Kuno got hurt.  
  
Ranma sulked some more. "...but *I* wanted to fight..."  
  
Meanwhile, Akane (acting on ancient instincts) was currently digging a nice big hole to drag the school's unconscious star kendoist in.  
  
It was instinct, of course. Not planned at all. Nope. Akane was a nice kitty after all. The others joining in was also likely just instinct.   
  
Right?   
--------------  
  
___omake_omake_omake_omake___  
  
"What if someone *else* had fulfilled Genma's role," mused Toltiir.  
  
"With Ares, we saw a capable martial artist who frankly didn't take much crap off anyone," reminded Bast. "Unfortunately, or fortunately if you prefer, he had little in the way of traditional Western morality."  
  
"Yeah, none of this 'don't hit girls' or 'let other people push me around' sort of thing." Ares felt that he'd done a pretty darn good job there. And it had been strangely fulfilling to take on the role of father-sensei. Much better than he'd done with his two real sons.  
  
"I disagree, Genma did a much better job of raising Ranma," argued Fleece. "Look at that Ranma! Anybody who jumps him shouting 'Ranma, prepare to die' is gonna get killed! Heck, if the Nabiki in *that* world tried half the stuff I did with *my* version of Ranma, she'd be lucky if she didn't end up in the hospital!"  
  
Ares considered the idea briefly. "Nah. More likely he'd just contact the local Yakuza and tell them that this little girl was poaching on their territory. Once he did that..."  
  
Fleece flinched at the likely consequences of *that* sort of thing. "You see what I mean? THAT Ranma is going to have even more social problems than the original."  
  
"So. You're saying you could do a better job?" Bast purred as she regarded the Nabiki Tendo that had dared to cross path with the gods, and had ended up becoming a minor goddess herself due to the whims of Toltiir. There were times when Fleece was in serious danger of being demoted as per Titania's suggestion - to tooth fairy.  
  
Nabiki *almost* said "Yeah, right." The grins around her were enough clue. "NO! NO WAY! I am *NOT* going to play the part of Genma Saotome!"  
  
"Spoilsport," said Ares. "Put your money where your mouth is."  
  
"Well, who do *you* think would do a better job of being Genma?" Toltiir blinked at the girl, yellow eyes gleaming. "Keeping in mind the following points typical of Ranma timelines:  
a) Ranma must be a highly ranked martial artist, it may not be his only focus, but it's got to be in there.  
b) His orbit must intersect the Tendos. He may not end up engaged to any of 'em. Maybe neither group knows about the arrangement, but they'll at least meet. The test point is Ranma meeting them, and how different it is from the original.  
c) The person who does the raising has to spend at least ten years subjective in the simulation."  
  
"This ain't another Bet, is it, Toltiir?" Bast glared at the cat.  
  
"Heaven forbid, no. Just a possibility of related omake." The cat waved a paw.  
  
"Well, in that case," suggested Nabiki with her own catty expression.  
  
Almost everyone traced her gaze to the side where a visitor had been preoccupied with other concerns. More smiles.  
  
The old man looked up.  
  
----------  
  
"He'll be here any moment," said Soun, smiling at the prospect of joining the two families. Though the calligraphy was much more neat and precise than he'd expect from Genma. The wording had been odd too. "Tendo- I will be bringing Ranma on Mar-11. We shall discuss the engagement then. -S"  
  
"So is he cute?" Nabiki asked, not quite as mercenary as she would later become. In an unaltered timeline, that is.  
  
"How old is he. Younger men bore me," said Kasumi, not quite as oblivious as she would later become. Were everything to remain normal, of course.  
  
"Hmmmph, boys," Akane grumbled. Boy=pervert=target. Math wasn't her best subject but some things were obvious. The entire gender could be deleted from existence or chained into dungeons and she'd be a lot happier. She hated boys. She loathed boys. Boys had ignored her most of her life, and then suddenly she couldn't literally beat them off. Boys were beyond icky.  
  
There came a knocking at the door as if someone had not gotten into a fight on the way to the dojo.  
  
"That must be Ranma!" Nabiki hoped for cute. Rich would be even better. Cute and rich? Too much to hope for. But she would certainly settle for cute.  
  
"I do hope he's older," sighed Kasumi.  
  
"ACK!" Soun made a warding sign. There was no paunchy Genma present, just Nabiki (who had somehow gotten out the door before him) eyeing a tall and broadshouldered young man. That wasn't the ack part. An old man, still standing straight and proud, was eyeing him as if judging him on his entire life experience and deciding that he was just barely worth continued existence.  
  
"Oh my," Kasumi looked over the boy. Tall, strong, lithely muscled, immaculately dressed in a nice dress shirt, slacks, and boots of some kind. Very nice if a bit Westernized in appearance.  
  
"hmmmmph," hmmmphed Akane, then turned around and walked back into the house. Okay, the boy was fairly good looking. THAT didn't mean anything.  
  
"Genma couldn't make it," said the old man. "May we come in?"  
  
--------  
  
"So Genma died and you took over his training," Soun said, nodding.  
  
"Yes, Genma fell into a pit of starving cats. Terrible tragic story." The old man didn't look as if he thought it was terribly tragic. "So we've been wandering back and forth, hither and yon."  
  
"Yes, well, these are my three daughters," Soun said, indicating each girl and her age, then turning back to Ranma, "pick any one you like. She'll be your new fiancee."  
  
"Geez, they're not bagels, Mister Tendo. Pick one? None of them seem interested. Besides there are other more pressing concerns."  
  
"AH?! It's a matter of family honor." Soun glanced over the three. "Akane is a martial artist, she'll be your fiancee."  
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi, who was too old and housewifeish to be chosen. And was regretting it. Ranma was polite and had a cute... he was nice.   
  
"WHAT?!" Nabiki and Akane reacted with entirely different motives.  
  
"You see?" Ranma gave a helpless shrug. A beeping from a pocket caused him to consult a pager. "Ooops. Gotta go. Old man, you handle this?"  
  
The old man nodded.   
  
"But but but but but...?!" Soun was going into shock. If only Genma were here to back him up!  
  
Nabiki, Kasumi, and Akane blinked. Ranma had gotten lost by going off into their backyard. Their reactions were quite different. Nabiki was intrigued by the boy's butt... err purposeful stride. Akane was wondering what the pervert was up to. Kasumi wanted to make sure there were no hard feelings, sometimes her father made a rather poor first impression.  
  
Ranma ducked around the side of the dojo. This really got the three curious, as there was nothing back there. As one they approached from a different angle. Yes, there was that fiance. He was standing still, looking heavenwards, and his mouth opened as he said a single word.  
  
"SHAZAM!"  
  
*BOOOM!* Thunder answered.  
  
Nabiki had just realized that she'd leapt up and was being held by Kasumi as all three sets of eyes watched a major hunk fly up and away in a high speed blur.  
  
"That was *Captain Marvel*..." Nabiki said to Kasumi.  
  
"Oh my, oh dear," said Kasumi who had little hearts floating in her eyes. Not a boy at all. Oh heavens no. There had been a nobility and maturity in the Captain that just did not fit any of the categories she placed younger boys in. Nope.  
  
Akane stood where Ranma had stood, took an identical pose, and tried something. "Shatsamu. Shatsam! Sha- tsa - mu! Damnit, why won't it work for me?"  
  
Kasumi let Nabiki go, her arms were getting heavy anyway, and considered. Captain Marvel seemed very mature. Perhaps she should speak up. Running off to save the world probably made for not eating as well as he should normally.  
  
Nabiki thought about this. Let anyone know she knew who Captain Marvel was? Oh yeah, duh! The moment she even advertised something like that, she'd be kidnapped by supervillains and tortured for the information. She was allergic to being tortured. Not to mention she'd be alienating someone who could wrestle Godzilla and any friends he happened to have!  
  
Akane sulked. If some stupid boy could transform into Captain Marvel, why couldn't she? Twenty years ago there had been a Mary Marvel, there was a girl named Aoi Marvel who'd briefly appeared in Osaka, so why not Akane Marvel? She was noble and worthy and nobody could say she wasn't a great fighter! Dang it.  
  
Three girls found their father alone, crying to the extent that there was going to be no answers from that quarter.  
  
Nabiki mused. Captain Marvel made headlines. When he was in China recently, he made news fighting some sort of Juggernaut. All she had to do was wait for him to start appearing in a particular area, then track him down. She was sure that she could make a good press manager.  
  
Kasumi thought. It seemed to her that if the Captain was off saving Japan or the world, he'd need someone to cook and clean and maintain a home. Well, what an amazing coincidence that she currently had no suitors or prospects. Look for where the trouble is, he'd be nearby, then she could grab him and make mad passionate... uhm apply for a job and get to know him.  
  
Akane glowered. She'd catch that boy and make him tell her the secrets of whatever martial arts technique he'd used to transform! Then she could go assist the Senshi!  
  
Soun wailed. Prior engagements?! "Waaaaaaaaa!"  
  
-------  
  
Ranma sped across town so quickly that he was just a blur, and smiled. THIS was living. Everything that was so confusing was suddenly clear, the world was his rice bowl, he felt a thousand times more alive than as plain old Ranma Saotome.  
  
One didn't need the Wisdom of Solomon to see the dangers in staying as Captain Marvel for too long. Black Adam was still around, somewhere, a wonderful advertisement of how power could corrupt. Then there was that mysterious Juggernaut who had appeared in China. Someone who could hurt *him*. But here was the thing that had drawn him.   
  
Captain Marvel came to a halt to observe the battle before he weighed in. It looked like he should do something...  
  
Now.  
  
------  
  
Usagi shrieked like a little girl (which she was actually - being fifteen years old) as the big yoma prepared to bring that gleaming claw down and reduce her to the consistency of fish paste. Her Moon Rod had been knocked out of reach and the other senshi had been scattered about with a few swipes.   
  
"SAILOR MOON!" Several young girls cried as they watched what was about to be a gruesome scene.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen prepared to throw a rose despite that the past three had bounced off the armor plating on the creature.  
  
"Excuse me, may I cut in?"  
  
Everyone blinked. Some guy had popped out of nowhere, and was lifting the yoma up into the air by a grip on its outstretched paw.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen dropped the rose, feeling completely and totally inadequate.  
  
The yoma roared and tried to swing at the caped man holding it.  
  
"Shall we dance?" The man threw the yoma straight up, giving the crowd a good look at the chest emblem of a stylized lightning bolt.  
  
"CAPTAIN MARVEL?!" Venus, Mars, Mercury, Moon, and Tuxedo Mask exclaimed.  
  
"My new sempai..." Sailor Jupiter said dreamily, little hearts beginning orbits around her head.  
  
The yoma came down, Captain Marvel stopped its progress with an uppercut. The yoma disintegrated.  
  
Sailor Venus sighed longingly as she checked out a powerful physique and high charisma level. Idol singers suddenly dropped on her priority scale to a new low.  
  
"Well, Sailor Senshi," said Captain Marvel, floating slightly above head level. "I've wanted to make your acquaintance. Shall we arrange a meeting to discuss pooling our resources?"  
  
Seeing that Mars was too starstruck, Venus was drooling, and Jupiter was repeating something about a sempai every so often, Mercury quickly set up a meeting for after school the next day on the roof of her mother's hospital. (Which had the benefits of being remote and accessible. Thoughts of a home court advantage were ruthlessly suppressed.)  
  
There was a group sigh as the Captain flew away.  
  
"I don't trust him," said Luna as soon as the fellow was out of earshot. "He wasn't present in the Moon Kingdom after all, and... why is everyone looking at me like that? HEY! LET ME OUT OF THIS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! USAGI!"  
  
"Where'd you get a mailing box anyway," Venus asked Mercury.  
  
"Oh dear, ha ha, I just happened to have one handy," Mercury said, blushing furiously. After all, the Captain was said to be quite intellectual, and well, Ryo hadn't been around for over a year, and well... (blush twitch shrink blush-some-more)  
  
Venus smirked. She knew one way to make sure he was considered part of the group. And if Sailor Venus had to drag the stud off by his cape, she was gonna make sure he knew she was willing to be his... friend. Or something like that.  
  
Jupiter was already gone. She had to make sure she had plenty of cookies baked so she could bring them along and introduce herself to her new sempai!  
  
Mars wanted to check the sacred fire and see if Shinto priestesses and Divinely empowered superheroes were a good match. She was sure they were, but maybe a horoscope would be good too.  
  
Tuxedo Mask waved his hand in front of Usagi's face and sighed. Well, at least he knew that he'd end up with Usagi. And maybe the Captain could deflect some of the looks that had been heading his way lately from the other Senshi.  
  
"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" Luna called from inside the box marked "To: Paris" by Usagi and "by way of Elbonia" by Ami.  
  
"You weren't going to really mail that were you?" Venus turned to find Mercury running off. Wait a minute! She had to get things ready for meeting her new boyfriend tomorrow!  
  
Tuxedo Kamen became Mamoru and picked up the boxed kitty. Looked like their current adventure had gotten more complicated.  
  
omake---  
"Paradox"  
  
Setsuna sat back and let the meeting run on without her attention. It was all familiar patterns under the shock of the little bombshell, or series of revelations, she'd just hit them with.  
  
One day after Galaxia, everyone called together to discuss What Now. Which had made it the perfect time to reveal a few things.  
  
Such as why, in their visits to the future, they'd seen an underpowered Sailor Pluto, a set of underpowered Inner Senshi and no sign of the other Outers at all.  
  
That Sailor Pluto had been her younger self. Not nearly the power she'd later had.  
  
As for the current Outers, the combined magical power level of Pluto, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune couldn't light a l00 watt bulb. No Senshi transformation in the foreseeable future. There was no longer either a Time Key Staff nor a Silence Glaive, both had been broken in the fight against Galaxia.  
  
Likewise the Inners (with the exception of Sailor Moon) wouldn't be able to power up for over a year, and they wouldn't be able to go beyond their most basic attacks for over a thousand years (not counting the time of the Freeze).  
  
Nobody had understood Setsuna's reference that right now they wouldn't be able to fight off a shipful of Tinker Gnomes and a load of Giant Space Hamsters. They got the general idea though.  
  
It took a few moments for Setsuna to realize that she'd been asked a question. She'd honestly thought that Usagi's eating binge, Rei's complaints about the mess, and Makoto's upset to continue a good deal longer. "I'm sorry, Ami. Did you say something?"  
  
"That's exactly what I was talking about. You come from the future and should know all this. Why don't you know exactly how long the Senshi powerup will take to regenerate?"  
  
"Blocked memories. Paradox defense," explained Setsuna.  
  
"Ah," said Ami, "that explains it."  
  
"Exactly *how* does what explain anything!" Rei wasn't the only one who didn't get it.  
  
Setsuna sighed. "Okay. My memory has some blocks put in by myself in order that I not reveal knowledge that would cause a paradox."  
  
"What's a paradox?" Usagi wondered aloud.  
  
Rei was glad Usagi asked, she preferred the impression that she knew what was going on.  
  
"Like going back in time and killing your own grandfather," supplied Ami.  
  
"Or in this case, if you know about an event ahead of time, it can change how the event takes place or prevent it from ever occurring." Setsuna may not have known the future, but she knew these girls and considered ways to explain it further.  
  
Usagi thought about taking a test where she knew what the questions were in advance. "What's the problem with that?"  
  
"For example," Setsuna made a point of looking at the calender. "Tomorrow at 4:15pm at the Mount Momiji Family Market, Makoto bumps into a young man. The two have a relationship for over a year, at which point a relatively minor but annoying menace shows up. At this point she can transform into Sailor Jupiter briefly, and the boy figures it out."  
  
"And becomes a menace to the creation of Crystal Tokyo," concluded Luna.  
  
"And offers to help out as far as transportation and support services, at which point Luna blows a gasket," continued Setsuna, silently motioning for a refill of her teacup. "On Luna's advice, Makoto breaks up with him."  
  
Lots of glares at the romance-wrecking cat.  
  
"I haven't done anything yet!" On seeing the glares increase in intensity, Luna realized that that hadn't been the best denial she could muster.  
  
"Ami however decides to try and patch things up with the boy after Makoto's breakup, realizing that this is just a misunderstanding."  
  
Makoto beamed at her good friend Ami intervening to make sure her romance didn't go bust.  
  
"At least that was her intent," said Setsuna, taking a sip of tea. "However the two of them hit it off and end up in this epic romance."  
  
Makoto glared at the traitorous Ami.  
  
Ami blinked repeatedly and marked down "4:15, Mt.Momiji Family Market" on her notepad.  
  
"And THEN he menaces the future of Crystal Tokyo," suggested Luna.  
  
"No. Actually he never shows up at another meeting. Helps her get through medical school. All you see of him after that is a little extra smile on Ami's face." Setsuna paused to sip at her tea. "Well except for those times Ami is late for meeting with you. On *those* occasions you'd practically require plastic surgery to remove her smile."  
  
Makoto frowned and tried to look unhappily at her traitorous friend Ami and at the evil romance-wrecking feline.   
  
Ami underlined the time and place. She really ought to visit the market. It might be good to see what she was getting into.  
  
Minako wondered if this mystery boy had a name and any cute friends.  
  
"...and THEN he menaces the future of Crystal Tokyo," weakly suggested Luna.  
  
"Actually, he provides good noncombat support, particularly to Ami during some lean times ahead. Other than Ami's patented in the future cat-with-a-ready-supply-of-cream smile, none of you know about her relationship with him until their wedding, which is after her residency." Setsuna set her teacup down. "So you see the problem with paradoxes. Any number of things could cause this future to derail entirely and he's just a minor character. Well, except to Ami eventually."  
  
"Hmmm," hmmmed a number of distracted teenage girls.  
  
"No menace to Crystal Tokyo?" Luna said it as if it were a foreign concept. "Doesn't get kidnapped or mind controlled?"  
  
"No," agreed Setsuna. "Now. It's late, and I have much to do tomorrow. I suggest we meet again in one year."  
  
The meeting broke apart very quickly after that.  
  
It was Haruka who caught up with Setsuna afterwards. "Waitaminute. What happened to not causing paradox or those memory blocks?"  
  
"It'll be interesting to see what chaos develops tomorrow, don't you think?" Setsuna asked the other Outer.  
  
Eyes widened. "It was just an example? There is no boy?"  
  
"I'm going to get a camera myself," suggested Setsuna Meiou, former Sailor Pluto with a wink.   
  
(you know, after i wrote this omake it occurred to me this would make for a heck of a beginning of a crossover story...) 


	2. more omake

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE   
  
from: Mirrors Reflected.  
  
something i've been accussed of, that i thought might be fun to actually do   
intentionally. If Teresa, Cheryl, Glory, Patricia, or one of the other   
man-haters i've met recognize some of themselves in here, it's intentional as   
you've been such inspiration over the years.   
  
WHAT IF AKANE *WAS* A "PSYCHO-BITCH"   
  
"Kasumi, Nabiki, Ak..." Soun started, then reconsidered. "Kasumi! Nabiki!"   
  
Kasumi demurely took a seat at one end of the table, Nabiki uneasily in the   
middle, and Akane flopped down at the end.   
  
"Uhm, Akane, this, er, doesn't really concern you," Soun said uncertainly.   
  
Akane glared at her father, taking this the wrong way. "Having a family meeting   
*without* me, father? You KNOW how I feel about that."   
  
Soun swallowed nervously and decided to just bull ahead. "Kasumi, Nabiki, I've   
just received word that an old friend of mine is coming to visit and bringing   
his son, Ranma."   
  
"A BOY?!" Akane growled angrily. "WHY do we have to put up with a MALE presence   
in the house? It's bad enough that there are BOYS at school!"   
  
"I-I-I'm sorry, Akane. It's a matter of honor that the Tendo and Saotome   
families be united, so if Nabiki or Kasumi marries him..."   
  
"WHAT?! How DARE you make such an arrangement!"   
  
"Is he cute?" Nabiki wanted to know.   
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi with a slight smile. There was a chance to get out of this   
house?   
  
"It's an arranged marriage. It's not unheard of." Soun cringed.   
  
"Do you HONESTLY expect me to sit still for this?" Akane wondered if she had   
been too lax with her father of late. Males needed to be put in their place,   
unfortunately the law would only allow her to go so far in that regard.   
  
"...but of course, I'd never consider you for such a thing, Akane." Soun quickly   
said, after all they were supposed to *unite* the two schools. If Genma's son   
turned up missing some day, then there wouldn't be much uniting done.   
  
"WHAT?! Are you saying I'm not good enough?"   
  
"Oh no, Akane. I'm sure father was just thinking about providing for us." Kasumi   
shifted slightly, trying to favor the injured leg. Akane hadn't meant to break   
it in three places, she just got enthusiastic. Kasumi was mainly sure about   
this.   
  
"LEMMEE GO YOU OLD FOOL!"   
  
"OH! It must be Ranma!" Nabiki ran for the door. First come, first served. First   
away from Akane.   
  
Akane watched Kasumi start limping towards the door and felt a momentary pang of   
guilt. No, if she were to save Kasumi from a loveless relationship, she had to   
keep her from spending time around Doctor Tofu. A few threats to the Doctor kept   
him from doing much (other than falling apart) and eventually Kasumi would   
realize the truth. As an American feminist had once stated "the only true love   
is that between two women, everything else is rape."   
  
"Lemmee go, you're scaring 'em spitless!" A short person being carried along by   
a panda caused Nabiki and Soun to run back along the hallway.   
  
The short person indicated this this *was* indeed Ranma Saotome. Then Nabiki   
made an observation about the newcomer's gender. Soun and Nabiki started   
arguing, but upon Nabiki's discovery that the boy was actually a girl, Akane's   
attitude transformed.   
  
"You *can't* be a girl!" Nabiki held the girl by her shirt and was shaking her.   
"You *can't* be! The kami can't be that cruel!"   
  
"No..." Kasumi sniffled. There went her chance.   
  
Ranma looked at the two older girls and wondered exactly what was going on here.   
  
"Oooo. You're cute," Akane said, already thinking of ways to find out how this   
newcomer would look without her clothes. And once she was sufficiently "broken",   
there would be many pleasures she could explore at leisure. If the girl *was* a   
martial artist, then she'd be a little more durable than most of Akane's   
previous recipients of affection.   
  
Akane smiled. "Hey, you're a martial artist. You want to see the dojo? I'm   
Akane, do you want to be... friends?"   
  
Kasumi and Nabiki winced as they watched Akane lead Ranma out.   
  
"Father, this is such a disappointment." Kasumi sighed. She was the oldest, she   
was the one her father should be arranging to be married first.   
  
"No duh! Really Father, did you think we were *all* lesbian psychopaths?" Nabiki   
could admit that she *might* bend in more than one direction, but whips and   
chains and fish-hooks were *not* her style.   
  
"But I thought Genma's son was a boy!" Soun watched the puzzled-looking panda   
briefly. "Well, Akane won't kill another girl, so that's *some* consolation."   
  
"I thought I'd have an excuse to get away," grumbled Nabiki. "A chance to get   
away. Do you have any idea what I have to go through when Akane isn't getting   
any from those girls at school?"   
  
"Or when she hasn't been able to 'vent' on any males," Kasumi added, rubbing her   
knee.   
  
"Look! Akane's chasing the girl around the backyard."   
  
"So, she's a better martial artist than Akane?"   
  
"Hmmmm," hmmmed Soun.   
  
"Needs to work on her 'avoiding large thrown blunt objects' skills," noted   
Kasumi as a stone lantern connected with Ranma's head.   
  
Akane immediately grabbed the girl up and shook her, threatening worse if the   
shorter girl ever crossed her again.   
  
"Well, maybe she can get a bath, then maybe I ought to warn her to leave while   
she's got a chance."   
  
"Don't do that, Nabiki, you *know* how poorly Akane will take that."   
  
The panda blinked.   
  
-------------------   
  
"Well, your problem isn't so bad is it?" Soun laughed. "These are my daughters.   
Kasumi, Nabiki, and, er, Akane. Pick the one you want and she'll be your new   
fiancee."   
  
Akane drew a finger across her throat and mouthed the word "die." Give her half   
a chance and *she* would show this fake-girl what she thought of the male   
gender. She wouldn't kill him, but all sorts of "accidents" could be arranged.   
Or he could be taught the same lesson those jerks at school had. She only had to   
come near the gates before the (lowly disgusting) males fled like the vermin   
they were.   
  
"I... I don't have time for this, I need to go back to China and look for a   
cure!" Ranma got up, preparing to exit stage right.   
  
"What a wonderful idea!" Nabiki produced a backpack out of nowhere. "The perfect   
chance for me to get to know my fiance better!"   
  
"Nabiki, we have to let Ranma choose." Kasumi shouldered her own backpack. "I've   
always wanted to see China, anyway."   
  
"What?!" Ranma managed as he was dragged out the door by two girls.   
  
Akane blinked. "But... I just got some new toys..."   
  
Genma glanced over at his old buddy Soun, who had a cigarette in his mouth and a   
blindfold covering his eyes. "Uhm."   
  
---------------------   
  
"I can walk by myself!"   
  
Kasumi and Nabiki stopped dragging Ranma.   
  
"Well, come on, Ranma. China and your cure is waiting."   
  
"Oh, uh, right..." Ranma said hesitantly after a moment. He wasn't at all sure   
about this, but oyaji could stay with his friend and he could go to China and   
get cured.   
  
That didn't sound so bad. Certainly it could have been worse.   
  
  
0MAKE-----------------  
  
"Put your money where your mouth is, that's all I'm saying," said Fleece.  
  
"ME?!" Toltiir held a paw against his chest. "Impersonate Genma? Are you sure you want to lay that challenge down?"  
  
"You're the one who stated that 'almost anyone would be a more acceptable father than Genma' weren't you?" Fleece studied the cat with a smirk on her face.  
  
"Actually, no, I didn't. Still... the idea has *some* merit." Toltiir blurred and there were suddenly two cats. Another blur and one of the cats looked sort of like Genma.  
  
"Are you supposed to be Genma Saotome?" Nabiki asked in a dry voice. "Genma doesn't wear plaid, much less a kilt..."  
  
"Artistic license."  
  
"..or have rippling muscles..."  
  
"He thinks he does."  
  
"...nor does he have that much hair..."  
  
"Force of habit."  
  
"...and he certainly doesn't play the bagpipe."  
  
Toltiir-genma sagged a little. "No bagpipe?"  
  
Fleece shook her head.  
  
"Well phooey." The bagpipe and Scottish ceremonial outfit was replaced by a dingy, formerly white, gi. "The difference is, *I* can make this look good."  
  
"Right..." Fleece shook her head. "Now... what *are* you doing?"  
  
"Genma" was sitting back in a recliner, a wall screen TV in front of him, clicking a remote control while munching on a bag of Unryuu-brand BBQ Pork Rinds (tm).  
  
The other, more feline looking, Toltiir answered. "Looking for a timeline that's suitably dark and nasty and no fun."  
  
"Got it," said the Genma version. "See, it's one of those multiple crossover thingies, and Crystal Tokyo dies a nasty horrible death when the Swarm come in and destroy everything. So..."  
  
--------------  
  
Queen Serenity, formerly a girl named Usagi, dropped unconscious and dying - she'd thrown everything she had into the battle. Nothing had worked.  
  
Sailor Pluto panted slightly, watching as the energy-beings known as The Swarm entered the Palace. Everything that could be done had been done, every force that could be brought to bear had been. In the first thirty minutes since the Swarm had entered the solar system, fifteen billion people had died. Including all the Inner Senshi.  
  
"Now if you look to the right, you'll see the burning remains of Crystal Tokyo," said a black furred cat walking on his hind legs and holding a tall pennant in one hand. The pennant read "Temporal Tours".  
  
"Who? What? Where?" Sailor Pluto wasn't quite ready for this.  
  
"Oh, excuse me, my business card." The cat handed Sailor Pluto a card and placed another in the mouth of the fallen Serenity.  
  
"'Toltiir, former god of Chaos, Elder god of Mischief,'" read the red-eyed Senshi.   
  
"Now my deal, SetSunny, is quite simple," Toltiir waved a paw. The Swarm, millions of energy absorbing creatures a dozen times more powerful individually than an Eternal form Senshi, abruptly turned into koosh balls. "I *could* respect the sanctity of the timeline and not do anything, leaving the Swarm to extinguish all life in this solar system."  
  
Sailor Pluto blinked as she realized one of the semi-transparent beings had apparently made it as far as this room, as a koosh ball had just dropped from the ceiling. "O-kaaay." The Senshi of Time was still feeling a little numb. She was alive, and her Queen was alive, so she was listening.  
  
The cat abruptly became a labcoated individual with wild hair. Setsuna immediately recognized Christopher Lloyd's character from "Back To The Future." "Or I could just accept that this is an unhappy ending and make an alteration. The K'Tee, you see, are a nonsentient lifeform - about as intelligent as a bee when you consider 'em as individuals. Hive structure - in a manner of speaking - so a full Swarm is about as intelligent as a pack of wolves."  
  
"Ah," said the Guardian Of The Gate Of Time as she listened, aware that the Queen was also conscious and listening now.  
  
"The Swarm developed in the furnace of a galactic core," continued the professor. "Any force used against them will be absorbed. They are drawn to forces of Order, and the more powerful and regulated, the more they're drawn to it. So, in any universe where there is a Swarm and the sort of heavily regulated Crystal Tokyo you've built here, they'll swarm right over you."  
  
"All my citizens, all those people." Serenity drew herself up. "What must we do?"  
  
"Simple," said the Professor, materializing a blackboard and scribbling on it. " A little less predictibility and a twist in the past. I prescribe a Chaos Factor. This will keep your own forces stronger and provide a degree of defense."  
  
"No, Crystal Tokyo must be..." Sailor Pluto slumped. "Never mind."  
  
Another blur and the professor changed to a circa 1965 California surfer boy. "Like, dudes, check out the window. That's, like, the present-future we be talkin' about as a possible. If ya think it's something ya can deal with, then just give let me engage an Inner Senshi to a guy named Ranma Saotome."  
  
"You have *this* level of power," said Setsuna Meiou, gesturing outside at the crowded plaza. "Why not just do it?"  
  
The surfer grinned and shrugged. "Hey, it's *your* timeline. Might as well ask permission."  
  
"If it would benefit the people," said Serenity as she listened to distant music carried to the window on the breeze, "I would engage *all* the Senshi to this man."  
  
The surfer looked startled for a moment then laughed. "Oh, I can definitely work with that."  
  
-----------  
  
Genma tossed the little boy into the pit. He hadn't been able to read the waterlogged manual that well. Ne-something had to be in the pit. After some contemplation and looking around, he'd been able to gather up hundreds of hungry "nezu" - rats. Starving them and keeping them for several days in a pit, Genma had at last been ready to teach his son this invincible technique.  
  
"AAAAAAAAA! Daddy! They're biting me!"  
  
Genma sighed. What a weak little child he was to train. "Stop whining like a little girl!"  
  
"Aaaaaa-***"  
  
Toltiir frowned. This was decidedly *not* funny. Which would never do, obviously. No. Not even vaguely. How to correct this, that was the question. Something subtle and tasteful. Ah, there we go. Perfect.  
  
Genma blinked as a black cat ran around him, counter clockwise, thirteen times, while some music box played "Pop Goes The Weasel" in the background. He had barely touched that bottle of sake, so this was *most* peculiar.  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
Genma picked himself up, wondering how in the world a grand piano had landed on top of him. It was a good thing he was a tough martial artist or that could have done serious damage to him!  
  
*CLANG!*  
  
Blinking rapidly, Genma looked at the large metal weight labelled "3 tons" which he had just barely managed to avoid. "This means something." He looked around and could see no sign of that black cat. He glanced up. "EEEP!"  
  
"THOOM!"  
  
Genma began to run, which actually saved him from having Sputnik (or a reasonable facscimile) slamming into his head at high speeds. As it was it created a crater which freed the rats, who naturally fled.  
  
A black cat wearing a cheerleader outfit stood atop a roof, waving pom-poms. "G-E-N-M-A, who the heck gives a hey! Go Genma, Go Genma. The further the better. Thank you." The little pom-poms got thrown away. "Okay. Next."  
  
--------  
  
The little girl looked down shyly, not sure of what she was supposed to do. She'd just come in to visit her mother at work, and she'd found herself ushered into this room with a heavily injured boy.  
  
Said boy looked with his one unbandaged eye at the little girl blushing and fidgeting, who had just handed him a flower. What he was supposed to do with a flower he had no idea. The girl, however, was really nice. "Cute."  
  
Ami blushed even further.  
  
The man outside the room held a finger in front of his lips, and motioned for the lady doctor to follow him to . "You know, poor Ranma could use someone to read to him while his injuries heal. That sort of thing. They seem to get along well."  
  
"You just recovered your son from this thief, I'd think you'd want to spend more time with him yourself," Kumori Mizuno said with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"I think it will take me some time to establish certain legal matters, apparently this false 'Genma Saotome' has ties to the Yakuza. Poor Ranma." The man loosened his tie and scribbled out a check. "Of course, you'll be reimbursed in full for the time your daughter spends with him."  
  
"I'm sorry, but Ami..." Kumori's eyes widened as she noticed the figures on the check he was offering her. "hah?!"  
  
"Of course, I'll make it out to her college fund if you prefer," the man smiled and placed the check in her hands. "My poor son, being horribly abused by that foul imposter, is going to need tutoring and some social instruction before he can come home."  
  
Doctor Mizuno finally dragged her eyes off the numbers to look at the account the check was drawn from. Her knees momentarily sagged. "You're..."  
  
"Please, Doctor. Those of my social standing dislike publicity and the sort of scandal this could cause. Will you assist me in this regard?"  
  
The pediatrician nodded, a little numb.   
  
The man smiled as he looked back at the room. "They get along very well. Hmmmm. By the way, Doctor, since they *do* get along fairly well, perhaps an arrangement should be made."  
  
----------  
  
Toltiir, currently disguised as a dashing young bank CEO with ties to the Imperial Family, flicked a set of keys up into the air and let them hang an extra moment or two in midair before catching them.  
  
So far, things had progressed fairly well.  
  
Ranma's injuries had been fairly extensive, and convincing him that Genma had not been his real father had been fairly easy and not requiring magic. Well, the convincing him part. Especially with the help of both Ami and her mother. People *wanted* to believe that a child's own father wasn't responsible for this.  
  
One week with Ranma and Ami getting along *wonderfully* before one Doctor Kumori Mizuno had gone along with the engagement of her daughter Ami to Ranma Saotome.  
  
Three days had been required for one Makoto Kino to fixate on her sempai. Her father had little problem with the marriage contract, especially as there was a rider on it that Makoto herself could invalidate it when she reached sixteen.  
  
A similar arrangement with a Mr and Mrs Aino had taken two days and a display of wealth. They wanted their little girl (given to theatrics and poor grades even at this age) to be taken care of. Little Minako did seem to get along with little Ranma, so why not?  
  
Toltiir considered Haruka Ten'ou, currently enrolled in a school in Yokohama, and Michiru Kaioh in Chiba. Difficult, but a little wheeling and dealing with the parents had gotten the papers drawn up.   
  
Ukyo Kuonji, even simpler. Though ten years of vengeance and that sort of thing didn't strike the Elder god of mischief as being particularly humorous. So, another open-ended marriage contract, and the dowry was paid to her father who could then use the funds to open a bigger restaurant.  
  
Now things were getting more *interesting*.  
  
--------  
  
Cologne sat back, having her afternoon tea, looking across the practice field and wishing that something less boring would occur. The problem with living this long was that you tended to see it all, and ennui was a constant battle.  
  
"Great Grandmama," piped a perky purple-haired five year old, "do you want more tea?!"  
  
*SPLURSH!*  
  
The girl sniffled and put the tea tray down. "...I thought you liked my tea..."  
  
Cologne stared. The boy was nothing special. Well, he had a strong chi. The "Japanese businessman" accompanying him was something else altogether and the first sight of him had caused her to spit tea all over her great (great great) granddaughter.  
  
Another Elder, Cologne's most persistant thorn/opposer, had obviously detected the same thing. As it was a *male*, she responded in her usual fashion. Bi Dea attacked with a blow that should have been instantly fatal. She was moving faster than could be followed by normal eyes, registering only as a blur even to Cologne who could emulate that speed herself.  
  
Bi Dea, a 250 year old Amazon Elder, abruptly ceased to be. Cologne twitched slightly, ignoring Shampoo, as she noted the presence of a baby bawling its lungs out in the shade of a nearby tree. Going quickly to it, and around the Being, Cologne determined that this was a baby *boy* and that he had the same color eyes and hair as Be Dea had possessed. The thin tree was of the same wood as Be Dea's elder staff had been.  
  
Cologne's eyes swiveled back to the strangers and she felt a lurch in her stomach as she noticed the two talking to Shampoo.   
  
Across the distance, the man looked up and seemed to shimmer briefly. For a brief moment Cologne saw the man wearing a pair of winged sandals, a battered hat, and the snake-wrapped staff. Though her tribe had not been Greek, she knew of their legends and immediately placed a name to the Being. (She didn't know that Toltiir had impersonated Hermes a few times, and vice versa (mainly at parties) and that Toltiir was not actually the Greek messenger.) Hermes Trismegus, aka Mercury.  
  
Cologne managed a forced and twitching smile. What do you do when a being capable of annihilating your entire village with an eyetwitch comes visiting? Be very very very *very* polite, of course.  
  
---------  
  
"So, what to do about the engagement between Ranma and Shampoo?" Toltiir smiled at the old woman.  
  
"She can't be engaged to him," said Cologne as politely as possible. "He hasn't defeated her in combat."  
  
"AHHH! Okay, Shampoo give up."  
  
Cologne winced and looked outside to see where the boy had pinned Shampoo in an impromptu wrestling match. "Uhm, well... "  
  
"Look, Cologne, do you mind if I call you Cologne?" The sometimes-cat said with a shake of his head. "If you honestly don't want Shampoo to be engaged to Ranma, that's fine."  
  
"Good," sighed Cologne with relief. "No offense, but the Greek pantheon has never struck me as a particularly stable group."  
  
Toltiir shrugged. "Most of the playwrights and historians were agnostics or atheists if you recall. They tended to slant things their own way. Hebe, for example, can be a real party animal - not that this ever came out in any of their dramas. Athena is much less stuck up and formal than you'd think, and Ares has recently mellowed out quite a bit."  
  
"I... see..."  
  
"Though I *really* want there to be a relationship between Ranma and Shampoo," continued the mischievous Elder. "They get along fairly well. Better than Mousse and Shampoo."  
  
Cologne admitted that was so, but was still looking to distance herself from the Being.  
  
"Rival with a grudge? Nah, too likely to turn Dark and Brooding. I don't care for Dark and Brooding. Besides, if he has *any* sort of connection to Shampoo, Mousse will be out for blood. Sister and Brother maybe? Nah, that's been done too often. Best friend and buddy? It's a possibility..." Hermes tapped his fingers briefly on the table, thinking and checking neighboring timelines. He didn't want to duplicate anything too much.   
  
"Awww! What you do that for?"  
  
Toltiir and Cologne blinked and as one turned to where Shampoo was flipping an enraged Mousse off and Ranma was wiping his mouth.  
  
"Shampoo, did you give the Kiss Of Marriage to that boy?" Cologne knew she wouldn't like the answer.  
  
"No, Great Grandmama."  
  
Sigh of relief from Cologne.   
  
"Tried to but I messed up." Shampoo went on to explain exactly *what* she had done wrong. Though her voice trailed off when she realized her Great Grandmother was twitching.  
  
--------  
  
Soun Tendo flipped through the mail half-heartedly. Bill, bill, bill, collection notice, postcard from the wife who had dumped him for another woman, bill, flyer for a new laundromat and sake bar, bill, bill, odd letter.  
  
Focussing on the odd and official looking letter, Soun slit it open before he could settle down with the postcard and bawl his head off.  
  
"Dear Mister Soun Tendo,  
  
"Congratulations!  
You and your family have won an all expense paid trip to Northwestern China!  
Simply call this toll free number to confirm and make the schedule for a week in rustic China touring some of the lesser known sights. Great bargains. Great food. Great opportunities.  
Henshin Tours"  
  
Soun smiled. Just the thing for everyone to get out of the house and maybe begin to put their lives together again!  
  
-------  
  
Toltiir dusted his hands off. Jusenkyo had been *so* boring. Spring Of Drowned Girl? Ho hum. Spring Of Drowned Panda? Borrring. Spring Of Drowned Piglet? Been there, done that. Spring Of Drowned Cat? Dull, dull, dull. Spring Of Drowned Carp? Absolutely no fun *there*.  
  
While he had thought about the possibilities, he'd idly altered the composition of the planet Uranus to 75% alcohol/15% fruit juice/10% water, with repercussions that were not immediately obvious. One of the proto moons orbitting that planet was altered to solidly frozen whipped cream at the same time.  
  
After a long session (altering slightly to appear as a generic paint-spattered French artist), of "tweaking" the Cursed Springs, Toltiir was ready. A new template here, merging templates there, switching things around thus and so. He wasn't quite satisfied with the results, but nothing better had suddenly occurred to him.  
  
Spring Of Drowned Catgirl had been a nod to Bast and that Grey fellow, irresistable in its way.  
  
There were a lot of "mythological being" springs now. A few endangered species, and Panda had been altered to Hyperfertile Female Panda just to be nice. Certainly it would make the World Wildlife types happier.  
  
Still, Toltiir knew that restraint was *not* one of his usual qualities and he couldn't restrain himself to such tiny little things constantly. He needed to do some Mischief with a capital M.  
  
Genma was out there still. He'd apparently learned that the Widdershins Death From Above curse would only affect him if he were alone and out in the open. For Genma of the "wild and free on the road" lifestyle, this was torture. It didn't matter too much though, Toltiir had other fish to fry.  
  
An idea occurred. In imitation of the human fashion, Toltiir snapped his fingers. Unfortunately this managed to turn Herb of the Musk Dynasty female mentally as well as physically, as well as inflicting a doubly unfortunate desire upon her to start reading romance novels (whatever *they* were). Which would unfortunately keep Herb and her two lieutenants from ever seeking the Unlocking Kettle.  
  
Toltiir's idea was simple. Convince the poor boy that his father had died, come back and possessed a bank manager, then was returning to the grave and would be back later.  
  
What was needed was something to keep the child occupied until he'd worked the large-scale mischief out of his system again.  
  
Ah, just the thing!   
  
The man held his hand out with thumb and pinky extended, then placed the thumb against one ear and the pinky in front of his mouth. A ringing noise echoed off the canyon walls a few moments later.  
  
"Bast? Toltiir. Yeah, can you show up in this timeline for a little while? No, just a few days a week for a year. Use an Avatar or something. What's in it for you? Well, you know that 'Cat Fist Fury' timeline you're having fun with? I'll leave it alone. Good, good. I knew I could count on you."   
  
Hanging up the "phone", the Elder smirked, and began dialing another number. "Hey, Ptah? You know that timeline you've been working on? Yeah, the one you were trying to keep secret from me. Have *I* got a deal for you..."  
  
----ten years later----  
  
Genma looked nervously around. Not that there was anything unusual in this behavior.  
  
For five years he had lived like a troll under a bridge, getting water and food from the river underneath while waiting for someone to come by that could accompany him. It was because he had been stuck underneath that bridge that he had come to realize that one of the rats he'd thrown into the pit had actually been a kappa who had cursed him. For what he had no idea.  
  
However, just in case, he had apologized to any rats or black cats he happened to see.  
  
Finally he had managed to tag along with this boy with a bandana. A mutually beneficial relationship. As long as he stuck close to Ryouga Hibiki, nothing fell on him. Ryouga benefitted from his direction, both in finding places and in martial arts training. Ranma might be dead, but the school could continue in the Hibiki lad. Genma had even planned on presenting Hibiki as Ranma when the time arrived.  
  
Jusenkyo had rather fouled up that idea.  
  
"Here ya go, Ling Ling," said some gaijin, placing a bundle of bamboo shoots in the chute.  
  
Genma greedily grabbed them, and eyed the opening of the central area of the enclosure. Just because nothing *had* fallen on him didn't mean nothing *would.* He'd grown fairly leery of open areas as a result.  
  
The gaijin looked down at Genma from above, despite the panda ignoring him. "Ya getting some company today, Ling Ling! A *boy* panda."  
  
Genma looked up at the gaijin. Didn't these people know he was Japanese? They should speak Japanese instead of this infernal gabbling in English or Chinese.  
  
--------  
  
The Tendo household was shunned by most of the neighborhood as a center of weirdness unparalleled in the rest of Nerima. Considering that this was Tokyo, and Nerima particularly, this actually had a bit of weight to it.  
  
An angry-sounding hummingbird was a usual visitor at the Tendo place, and this one zipped in the window of the kitchen.  
  
"Oh, hello, Akane. Another bad day at school?" Kasumi splashed hot water on the hummingbird, then handed her sister a bathrobe as the ten inch hummingbird became five foot two inches of naked girl.  
  
"When *isn't* it?" Akane growled as she shrugged the robe into place around her.  
  
"Yuka and Sayuri again?" Kasumi started the next kettle warming. Nabiki would be along shortly, after all.  
  
Akane went into overcute pose and voice. "'But you look so cute like that'! Arrgghh. Some friends they are. That Shiratori girl showed up too. I am *not* a Michelle!"  
  
"She didn't try to catch Nabiki did she?" Kasumi wasn't alarmed. Nabiki had only been caught twice, and managed to escape on her own. Each time she'd also shredded Azusa's little room.  
  
"No, she actually seems to avoid Nabiki for some reason." Akane shrugged. "Hope I can get my clothes back again. I liked that shirt."  
  
"Well, Ukyo-san will usually get them for you," said Kasumi, thinking of that nice okonomiyaki girl that attended Furinkan. "Or that Gos-san."  
  
"Well, it was Yuka and Sayuri, so I expect they'll have them. Unless Kuno decided to grab 'em." Akane let out a deep breath.  
  
"Well, don't go anywhere. Father has some sort of announcement. Oh, here's Nabiki now."  
  
----------  
  
Soun faced his three daughters over the table. Well, it was two daughters and a velociraptor at that particular moment.  
  
"Uhm, today I learned the location of a 'Ranma Saotome'," began Soun.  
  
"Hsssss?! tk-tk-tk-tk-tk."  
  
Sighing heavily, Kasumi got up to check the pot. Coming back and dumping the contents on the large lizard, she then sat next to the dampened Nabiki.  
  
Nabiki pulled a t-shirt out of nowhere and quickly slipped into it. "Thanks, Kasumi. Like I was saying: As in the 'Ranma Saotome' - Japanese prince of Libya?"  
  
"Hmmm. You mean 'Ranma Saotome' - the streetfighting guy rated in 'Martial Artists Monthly' as one of the top ten martial artists in the world?" Akane frowned thoughtfully. Maybe she could get some lessons from the fellow.  
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi who felt she had to contribute her own comment somehow.  
  
"Oh, you've heard of him?" Soun blinked as two of his daughters rolled their eyes and looked exasperated.  
  
"The martial artist hero who went into Libya for a streetfight, was set upon by darn near the entire police force, and ended up conquering the nation?" Nabiki shrugged. "Maybe." Actually if it *was* Ranma, Nabiki had to find out how he had done it. People were still not at all sure how that had occurred, including a number of Libyans. How Libya had gone from impoverished nation to world leader in bioengineered trees and crops, as well as having some of the best desalinization and water dispersement technology on the planet, that was equally puzzling. There was no arguing though: Libya was almost entirely covered with farms and the beginnings of forests now.   
  
"The Ranma Saotome who crushed Sagat and thirty two Muay Thai practitioners when they tried to assassinate him in Bangkok last year? BEFORE his bodyguards could react? And then brushed the entire incident off as 'a light workout'?" Akane made a face as she set a magazine out. "Obnoxious braggart, but yeah I've heard of him."  
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi, noting that the magazine had fallen open to a creased page revealing a young man who was tightly muscled and currently shirtless. "Oh dear, oh my."  
  
"I was being sarcastic, Akane," Nabiki informed her sister.  
  
"May I borrow this magazine, Akane?"  
  
Akane nodded absently to Kasumi. "So what's the deal, Dad?"  
  
Soun drew himself up, trying to look dignified. "When I was training under He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named..."  
  
"You mean Happosai?"  
  
"Don't say that name!!" Soun looked around wildly for a moment. "Nabiki, you know better. In any case my fellow initiate and sufferer was named Genma Saotome. He promised that his son Ranma would marry one of my daughters."  
  
"...hubba hubba..."  
  
Nabiki glanced over at Kasumi and wondered if maybe her elder sister had been spending too much time in the house lately. "Waitaminute. You're saying that one of us is honor bound to marry *Ranma*?!"  
  
"Yes, so we're going to plan a little trip."  
  
Three winces. Remembering the *last* little trip they'd taken.  
  
"Maybe we shouldn't," said Akane. "After all one decent splash and we've got some major problems."  
  
"Not to mention the security around him is likely to be fairly tight." Nabiki sighed. Pity though. She'd love a chance at living in opulent luxury. Preferably in an area where cold water was nowhere to be found.  
  
"Don't worry," said Soun Tendo. "I know what I'm doing."  
  
"Now I'm worried."  
  
"You said it, Kasumi." "Amen, sis."  
  
-------  
  
Ranma sneezed.  
  
"Maybe is just allergies," suggested Shampoo hopefully.  
  
"Lord Ranma, our neighbors are invading! Tanks are coming across our Southern border."  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Ranma quite sincerely to the young soldier. Aside from the fact that it made a mess, sooner or later there would be casualties. "Go to Standby. Send out Atsuko." Amazing how tipping over tanks made them essentially useless.  
  
Cologne tsked. "It's not like them to try the same tactics over and over again. It must be a diversion."  
  
"Confirmed," said the soldier, listening to her commlink. "Multiple invasion points. Jets and helicopters. Ground troops as well."  
  
Ranma winced. "Fine. Looks like we'll have to invade *them* to get some peace." At this rate he'd be glad when Usagi got her act together and he could retire.  
  
--------  
  
Ten years on the road had made Ranma a lot of friends and acquaintances, also contacts and those who would later rally to his banner. Some of whom were at the very least "unusual" by local standards, ranging to "downright alien" considering some of the worlds he'd visited.  
  
Some of these had come to Ranma's assistance for no better reason than what they deemed a good cause.  
  
"Red Group, lock S-Foils in attack position."  
  
There were those who had been looking for a home.  
  
"Vipers, charge weapon systems. Enemy detected at 25 klicks."  
  
There were those who had just been looking for a good fight.  
  
"Nichieju calvary. Amazons, we have TARGETS! Are we gonna let Atsuko have all the fun?" "HELL NO!"  
  
There were those who were tired of their former jobs and existence, and wanted to retire to where they wouldn't face a constant life on the run.  
  
"...today is a good day to die... Better them than me."  
  
There were those who didn't quite fit the local paradigm and mainly just wanted to have fun but would become quite upset at attacks on their new homeland.  
  
"Catgirls, to your power armor!" "Nyowrrr!" "For the Pride!"  
  
Finally, there were the odd ducks. Square pegs in a round world where a kingdom as bizarre as Ranma's actually had places where they were not considered quite so odd or freakish as might be the case in Tokyo or some other location.  
  
"GUYVER!" "Armor Up!" "Hmmmph!" "Isn't there another way to resolve this?" "Are we there yet?" "Mercury" "Mars" "Jupiter" "Venus" "Pluto" "Uranus" "Neptune" "(cough) Saturn" "Moon" "Crystal Power, Make Up!"  
  
The invaders possessed fighter jets, combat helicopters, rifle and explosive toting fanatics, tanks, missiles, and superior numbers. The best weaponry cocaine and other drugs could buy.  
  
The defenders were a motley rag-tag collection of heroes and those who wanted to be heroes.  
  
The battle was amazingly one-sided.   
  
---------  
  
"Ahhhh," said the stewardess, tripping and sending a large ice tea towards a certain set of seats.  
  
"Oh dear!" Kasumi leapt to the right from her seat, rather than become a large mountain gorilla.  
  
"Eeek!" Nabiki went from seated to clinging to the ceiling, which was better than having a velociraptor appear on a crowded airplane.  
  
"Vummmmmmmmmm," vummed the hummingbird named Akane.  
  
"Excuse me, miss, do you have any sugar water?" Kasumi well knew how much energy Akane's hummingbird used up, and her tendency on changing back to drink the stuff in gallon jugs.   
  
"Make it *warm* water," advised Nabiki.   
  
---------  
  
Sailor Moon, aka Usagi Tsukino, was *not* the world's greatest mecha pilot. She lacked the enthusiasm of Rei for high energy weaponry, the finesse of Ami, the combat skills of Makoto, and (thankfully) Minako's tendency to sing "Lynn Minmei" songs while engaging the enemy.  
  
Ranma's father had discovered that the Senshi, despite being a sentai team, did not have any cool color-coded mecha. He had brought in some fellow to develop said mecha over Luna's repeated protests. Said fellow (Grape? Green? Grinch?) was now apparently involved in a relationship with one of the Amazons who looked amazingly like Ami. He *had* however, done as he had been bidden (with lots of encouragement from a group of Amazons who could be twins of the Senshi) and built machines which had created facilities which had designed and built what could only be described as giant robots or mecha. Functioning mecha.  
  
Usagi was currently screaming and running around, her actions copied and translated by the Reflex System to the 60 foot tall giant robot White Lion that she'd affectionately named "Kimba." She was also ignoring Rei's radio commentary about "cowardly lions".  
  
"Maybe we should form Sailor Force?" Ami asked from inside the Blue Owl.  
  
"Only if *you* form the head this time, Ami-chan," said Rei in a hopeful voice from her cockpit inside Red Raven.  
  
"Bwahahahahahaha! Take that, you morons! Feel the power of love!"  
  
"Minako-chan is scary," said more than one of the Sailor Team.   
  
Sailor Venus used her Crescent Beam. Receptors accepted the energy, amplified it a hundred fold, and Orange Tiger's "Crescent Howl" attack dug a thirty mile trench in the desert.  
  
"Sailor Moon, use your Healing Escalation to purify that city, that'll stop all the shooting," advised Blue Owl.  
  
"Right!" White Lion paused long enough to form the attack and bathe the city in white light.  
  
--------  
  
Mohammed stopped exhorting the crowd to destroy the infidels that dared to conquer their neighbor Libya. They hadn't allied themselves with Israel after all. Mainly he stopped because of the strange light.  
  
The crowd went silent too as the white light washed over all of them. Was this some technological trick of the evil satanic Americans and their pagan Christianity?  
  
Mohammed blinked repeatedly. Why had he been whipping the crowd into a frenzy of hate anyway? Didn't all this hate and violence merely feed back upon itself in an endless cycle? And if there weren't an Israel, wouldn't it just go back to being one sect of the Faith killing another sect? Which was odd since the Faithful should try to follow Mohammed's preachings. Let the mountain come to you, patience being a primary virtue.  
  
The crowd grew thoughtful themselves. Why *were* they trying to invade anyway? Libya had never been exactly a particularly wealthy or friendly neighbor.  
  
"So we should be trying to curry favor with our neighbors," advised Mohammed, switching tactics. "Their water purification plants, irrigation equipment, and we could turn our desert into farms. Wouldn't it be fitting to become self-sufficient instead of relying on food being shipped in from outside our nation?"  
  
Muttered murmurs of agreement. Lots of food and water sounded good.  
  
"They are not allies of Israel. They are not allies of the United States. *We* should be their allies," argued Mohammed with passion as he got behind this new concept. "What do we have to win by antagonizing them?"  
  
Mutters became encouraging shouts.  
  
"Each of us could live lives of great wealth compared to what we have now! Instead of destroying, we could be building! These people could be our greatest friends!" Mohammed grew ever more passionate as he thought about the possibilities just irrigating the desert and transforming the arid sand to fertile soil through these newcomer's technological wizardry.  
  
More encouraging shouts answered Mohammed's latest exhortation.  
  
---------  
  
"Sad," said Toltiir from where he watched. Being a being of Chaos (though he preferred Mischief which was Chaos with a few waivers and restrictions) the imposition of such a magnitude of Order was less dark and nasty than allowing the war to continue, but not as amusing as it could have been had things progressed a little further.  
  
Hmmm. Maybe it was time for Sailor Moon's major attacks to develop some weird and occasional side effects.  
  
---------  
  
The Tendo plane debarked at New Tokyo International Airport.  
  
Nabiki stared at signs of a technological level decades ahead of what she'd seen in Tokyo.  
  
Akane wondered where the bathroom was.  
  
Kasumi noted how clean everything was and wondered why Akane was hopping up and down. Oh, that's right. Three gallons of sugar water. "There's a ladies room sign over there, Akane."  
  
*Zoom!*  
  
Soun looked over the video displays and lamented over the fact they had arrived while a war was going on. He looked over the power-armor wearing guards with big guns and disdained the reliance on weapons that these people apparently had.  
  
A tram pulled up and a mechanical voice sounded. "Please identify. This unit is seeking Tendo, Soun & Company."  
  
"Yes, that's me." Soun blinked. Talking couches on wheels. What next?  
  
"Excuse me," said the tram. "If you will take a seat, you're expected at the palace."  
  
"We ARE?!" Nabiki looked quite hopeful at this.  
  
"Yes. Hurry please, we want to get started before the crowds get going." The tram gunned his engine a few times.  
  
The Tendos stowed their baggage and took seats, and the little tram raced off.  
  
A few minutes later the door to the Ladies Room opened and Akane stepped out, only to see no trace of her family. "...what...?!" A flash through the moving crowd showed a golf-cart like vehicle whisking them away.  
  
Akane thought for a few moments. There was no way to catch them on foot. That meant... Akane turned to a nearby water fountain.  
  
*SPLASH!*   
  
A ruby-throated hummingbird zipped off at high speeds in pursuit.  
  
-------  
  
Toltiir was a little amused, as things were at last ready to reach that "test point."  
  
-------  
  
"And over to the right is the guest rooms for foreign dignitaries," said the Tram.  
  
Nabiki had been cataloguing apparent value of her surroundings and at first it had been amusing and a way to pass the time. After the first five minutes the grin had faded from her face and she had begun going into shock. After ten minutes in past the gates of the Palace, Nabiki was quite aware that she was a small little tiny fish in the deepest part of the ocean she'd ever been in. This was *beyond* ostentatious. It was "obscenely wealthy" in the outer segments, and then suddenly was much less so - still extremely wealthy but the furnishings were more comfortable and durable than obviously there for show.  
  
"If you look over to the left you'll find the greenhouses where we're trying to breed a better variety of wheat," continued the Tram.  
  
What this translated to for Nabiki was here was someone so incredibly wealthy that they kept up appearances for those who were awed by such things but the inner circle didn't bother with any show of wealth. They were *beyond* wealth or material concerns. This was so very out of her depth that she wasn't sure what she could do about it.  
  
"The kitchens as you can see are on our right now," explained the Tram.  
  
Nabiki blinked. Kasumi had just stepped off the tram?!  
  
-------  
  
The smells had been irresistable. Fresh baked cinnamon and apples, freshly baked bread and meat pie, the unmistakable aroma of Korean Barbeque somehow not overpowering the other fragrances.  
  
Kasumi had been off the annoying talking tram and through the door before any of the others could react. There she stopped, overcome by the sights before her.  
  
Women and men, dressed in aprons, chattering about things in odd languages, but it was what they were doing that stilled her and brought pangs of envy to her heart.  
  
The entire building was a big kitchen. Regular-sized stations sat beside huge scaled-up versions of regular kitchen equipment. Barbequeing chicken and slices of some red meat on grills, vegetables being juggled and sliced in midair, fish being broiled, pies being made, bread being baked.  
  
And over there... an empty spot. Beckoning her.  
  
"Kasumi? Kasumi? Kasumi! Give me a hand with her, Nabiki." Soun didn't understand why his eldest daughter was standing there trembling.  
  
Nabiki looked at the huge kitchens and had a clue. For Kasumi: cooking was a way to center herself, an activity she enjoyed and practiced as an Art even more fastidiously than Akane practiced Anything Goes. THIS was a challenge and even a dream for her. "Come on, Kasumi."  
  
They had to physically lift Kasumi up and onto the tram.  
  
"Ahem," said the tram as they finally got Kasumi loaded again. "As I was saying on the left is our landing pad for our special... ah, you're in luck. Here's some of our special forces."  
  
Nabiki looked at the various armored vehicles, the soldiers, and the combat mecha and leaned closer to her father. "Dad, if you're still planning on forcing this marriage if they're not going for it, I've got one thing to say. Don't."  
  
--------  
  
By the three got to the Audience Room, each of them had gone into shock. Soun with visions of weapons that could slice and dice him, Nabiki with the knowledge that obscene wealth didn't quite cover the whole picture, and Kasumi with (for the first time in her life) kitchen-envy.  
  
Elsewhere, a panicked hummingbird was being chased at high speeds by a cyborg girl named Atsuko (Nuku Nuku) Natsume. ("Pretty birdie!")  
  
Soun nervously looked around. People in power armor, girls with large guns, a small group of scantily dressed cheerleaders (?!) arguing in the corner, and what looked like large combat mecha out of some anime lined up in a row overlooking this place. Soun was planning what to change and what to keep, and would anyone mind if he just took Ranma away so that Ranma could take over the dojo?  
  
"Welcome," said the young boy on the throne in what could easily pass as a military uniform. "Sorry about the mess but we just had to put down an invasion. Dreadfully inconvenient you know."  
  
"Uhm, yes, we're..." Soun glanced at the women on either side of the throne. There was the one big chair, occupied by Ranma. There were also four chairs, two on either side of Ranma, who had young women occupying them. There was also a pair of empties at the furthest on either side of the pigtailed youth.  
  
"Soun Tendo, right? We've been expecting you," said Ranma apparently completely at ease. "I'd like you to meet Ami Mizuno, Minister of Health." This was a girl who looked slightly embarrassed on Ranma's immediate right. "Shampoo, who is liason to the Chinese Amazon contingent here." This was a purple haired girl wearing a modified Chinese banner dress to the immediate left of Ranma, one who looked suspiciously over the newcomers as if assessing their threat. "Ucchan or Ukyo Kuonji, Okonomiyaki Chef Supreme and my retainer." A girl in blue form-fitting power armor nodded at them, but she wasn't smiling and somehow looked very deadly. "Megumi Morisato, representitive of my Mecha Division." A shorthaired girl absorbed in working her laptop computer absent-mindedly waved. "And lastly we come to Setsuna Meiou, chief of Security." This was a haughty and aristocratic looking woman who also looked slightly amused for some reason.  
  
"Uhm, yes, very nice," absent-mindedly mumbled Soun. "Uhm. Your father and I made an agreement several years ago..."  
  
"...to unite the Tendo and Saotome lines so that Ranma could take over your dojo and carry on the Anything Goes school," interrupted Setsuna, "so that you and Genma could retire and play shogi all day and not incidently bypass certain problems with Japanese inheritance taxes on your property."  
  
"Uhm, yes," Soun allowed. "So my three daughters are: Kasumi, she's 19; Nabiki, she's 17; and Akane, she's 16. Pick anyone you like, she'll be your new fiancee."  
  
"There's only two girls here, Tendo-san," pointed out Ukyo.  
  
*Vuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm* *Whoosh!* That being the sound of a panicked hummingbird racing by with a catgirl android in pursuit.  
  
"Uhm, yes, well." Soun wondered when he'd lost control of this situation.  
  
Ranma sighed and leaned back in his chair. "You *do* realize that the people here regard having multiple wives as a desirable thing and a sign of stability in a ruler? And that I already have a few?"  
  
"A few *WIVES*?!" Soun began to go into outraged father mode.  
  
*CLICK-CLICK!* *SHOOM!* *VEEEP!*  
  
Suddenly realizing that weapons were powered up and pointed at him, Soun banished his Demon Head Attack. "Heh heh."  
  
"I'll give them the chance, if they want it, but I'll find jobs for them around here so that they can get to know the place," said Ranma with a nod. "Oh, we'll arrange for you to return home and if they do decide to stay or go we'll arrange transportation for them."  
  
"...but..." Soun glanced around. It looked like a "take it or leave it" sort of deal and he was unlikely to be able to get a better one. "...all right..."  
  
-------  
  
Toltiir sighed happily. "Well, that was *different* at least."  
  
Bast snorted. "So I see. Kasumi goes to work in the kitchens. Nabiki goes to work in Accounting. Nabiki stays honest because group marriage or not, she has her best chance of a comfortable beyond her wildest dreams life that route. Kasumi finds fulfillment in the kitchens and becomes Assistant Head Chef by the end of the year. Akane and Soun return to Nerima to carry on the Anything Goes school. Meanwhile Ranma goes on to have one of the most self-sufficient and technologically capable nations in the region, with a lunar colony developed before his first kid is born."  
  
"Hotaru is rescued from her Mistress 9 persona," pointed out Toltiir as he fast-forwarded. "Hotaru then joins the rest of the Senshi and ends up getting married to Ranma one night when they're celebrating the nation's first satellite launch. Haruka (who is another one of Ranma's fiancees) finds that highspeed combat mecha are something she can really get into, and Michiru (yet another fiancee) becomes an internationally celebrated musician and artist. Because Haruka and Michiru didn't meet until long after becoming Ranma's fiancees, they plan on double-teaming him in *that* department."  
  
Fleece shook her head. "Poor Ranma. So much suffering. Don't you think that lacked restraint though, Toltiir?"  
  
Toltiir sniffed. "Restraint? I'm not into S&M you know. Mischief's my bag." 


	3. son of omake

RELATIVE CHOICES an Omake, so don't even vaguely take this seriously.  
  
originally appeared in "Future Tense"  
  
-----------------  
  
Nabiki blinked. "They're rich, but they live in a place like THIS?!"  
  
Kasumi and Akane clung to each other as lightning crackled and a cat howled somewhere nearby. Their eyes attempted to watch everything at once. Shadows seemed to move of their own accord.  
  
"Now now, it isn't so bad." Soun shook his head. "They're just a little eccentric."  
  
All three of the daughters noticed that the doorbell was a noose. All three of the daughters screamed when they saw the doorman.  
  
"You rang?"  
  
"Yes, Lurch, tell Mister Addams that I brought my daughters by to meet the future husband of one of them. And how *is* Puggsley?"  
  
"Follow me," Lurch moaned.  
  
------------------  
  
"...and just think, one of you can marry Puggsley Addams and go live in that nice big house, with all the money, and I'm sure if you ask they'll put in a dojo." Soun finally stumbled to a halt. If any of his daughters were listening, it wasn't obvious.  
  
Nabiki stared straight ahead. She had been pulled out of the carnivorous plant, but hadn't recovered from the experience. She occasionally twitched and shuddered. Soun was ashamed that one of his daughters was sufficiently far from her stoic samurai heritage that being nibbled on and viewing peristalsis from close up had rattled her that badly. As for the acid burns, why they hardly showed with her hair combed like that.  
  
Kasumi had her little smile but her eyes were glazed over. She'd bravely offered to help out in the kitchen, only to learn that it was far from the safe haven that her own kitchen was. It had been a horrifying experience. Even worse had been being attacked by the entrees. Soun still wasn't sure what had happened in the kitchen, but he had noticed the way Kasumi had kept an eye on the silverware the entire time they were there. And when that one young girl had said how much she wanted to serve Kasumi specifically, his eldest daughter had turned quite pale.  
  
Akane was still jumping at shadows and would likely have to be pried away from Kasumi at this point. Soun wasn't sure what it was, but going to play with Wednesday had apparently been an unsettling experience. Akane also kept feeling her neck for some odd reason.  
  
"Well, here we go, this is the second place."  
  
"It's clean," Kasumi noted, a tiny bit of hope in her voice.  
  
"I don't see any gravestones," Nabiki observed, but wasn't willing to get her hopes up at this point. It had only been a day since visiting the Addams, after all.  
  
"A big house." Akane calmed a little bit. No spiders visible either. This was a good sign.  
  
"This is where the Chardins live, come on, let's get lunch here." Soun smiled at the signs of life coming back to his daughters.  
  
--------  
  
"No, no, no more!" Kasumi's eyes were wild. That look was mirrored in two other sets of eyes.  
  
"Now now, this is the last one. This way each of my daughters will be engaged to marry, and everything will be set." Soun nodded solemnly. "It was quite difficult for me to track Genma down, but one of you marrying Ranma will ensure the Tendo legacy. In fact, this is the most important of the engagements since it is the oldest and involves the family property. He's not rich, but he's supposed to be a pretty good martial artist."  
  
"So, whoever marries Ranma gets our house," mused Kasumi. Ranma was thirteen. That was way too young, but all things considered what was a little age difference?  
  
"So, whoever marries Ranma gets the dojo," mused Akane. Same age. Gets the dojo. No little sisters with "play rooms" that had large spiky things and blades and a fondness for using various venomous creatures. Like that spider that had been nearly as big as Akane's head. Okay, he was still a *boy* but there was a difference between dumb and ignorant. He could grow up to be something like Doctor Tofu, you just had to get the caterpillar to the butterfly stage. And why had Wednesday wanted her to read that Necrono-whatsit book?  
  
"Is he cute? Doesn't have an extendible mouth or three foot tongue? Hang around with undead or carnivorous plants? Live in a house with evil witches?"  
  
"Yes, the house and dojo. I'm not sure. Definitely not on the last three. That's him," Soun pointed to a thirteen year old boy sparring with his father. "Now remember, you promised not to mention the engagement to him until he turns sixteen." Soun became aware that he was talking to thin air.  
  
Genma stopped at Ranma's sudden vanishing.  
  
"Mine!" Kasumi pulled at Ranma's right arm. She had been selfless long enough. Time to stand up for what was hers. Her kitchen. Her house. Not being served on a silver tray with plum sauce was also on that list.  
  
"Mine!" Akane disagreed, pulling at Ranma's left arm. It was for the dojo, after all. Besides, Ranma was a martial artist, surely he had more in common with her than either Picolette or Puggsley.  
  
"Mine!" Nabiki declared firmly, after all she could make herself rich and didn't need to marry into wealth. Ranma was into martial arts. Big deal, Nabiki could deal with martial arts. Iron corsets and oral surgery and forks being thrown by an old witch at one place, and the other place had plants that tried to eat you and food that crawled off the plate and a little sister that whispered how you'd look with a little plum sauce and 30 minutes at 350 degrees. As both arms were occupied, Nabiki tried to pull at Ranma's legs and succeeded accidently at tugging his pants off.   
  
"Oops," said all three girls, staring at what was revealed. Fortunately he was wearing boxers that day. Unfortunately they'd slid a little from friction.  
  
Genma gave a puzzled look to Soun, knowing that his old friend wouldn't violate their agreement to keep the engagement secret until the day they were to make it official.  
  
Soun rubbed the back of his head. "Must be love at first sight, ha ha. heh."  
  
Genma accepted that and looked back to where Ranma trying to pull his pants back on with three girls still latched onto him. They were arguing about who got Ranma. Damn, his son must be more manly than he had thought!  
  
OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE_ originally from "Genma Ascendent"  
  
"What is this, another Bet fic?" Akane snorted as she looked through the script. "So what is it this time? Do I pull out a gun and shoot the pervert in the tub?"  
  
"Well, if it's a Bet fic, at least I get to say something besides 'Oh my' and act like my brain was shut down from the cleaning fumes." Kasumi reached for another chocolate Pocky stick. "Because some writers base on the end of the manga instead of the beginning, the only thing left of Nabiki or my personalities is the most outstanding traits-turned-cariacture. You know what  
would happen if the same thing were applied to you, Akane. The 'psycho-b*tch effect'."  
  
"I'd get to be interested in a few things in addition to money, and it's nice to be able to stretch your role some. Just a moment, Akane. Ah, let's see." Nabiki adjusted her glasses. "WHAT IF Genma, after having been put through Hell by Happosai's training, had decided to become as unlike Happosai as he could?"  
  
"Well, admittedly, THAT would be different," Shampoo shrugged and sat back as she looked over her script. "Oh hell, I show up only briefly, and that's as a 'damsel in distress'?"  
  
"Better you than me," retorted Akane. "Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I am *so* tired of all the stories where I get kidnapped by some magical prince or other. Why can't I be the one to be the knight come charging in to do the rescue?"  
  
"Out of character," answered Ukyou, Nabiki, and Shampoo simultaneously.  
  
"There was that once you saved him from Kodachi," Kasumi reminded Akane, frowning as she read her script. Maybe she ought to pencil in a few changes. She knew the author would be amenable if it came from her...  
  
"Besides, that was your role in that 'Off Your Noodle' story, which was dropped because of initial response to the idea of Kaori Daikokuji winning that race." Kasumi stirred her coffee with her chocolate stick absently as she read through. "Oh my. Ukyou is Ranma's sister?"  
  
"Gak!" Ukyou spit beer as she took in her own scene. "Oh, sorry, Akane. I never even wake up during the one scene I appear?! Excepting the montage scene? Phooey. That's worse than the Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne fusion!"  
  
"He's rich, intelligent, not that great a fighter, built better, and going to college." Kasumi flipped through to the end. "And it's *not* a 'Kasumi gets Ranma' story? Pity, I'd at least get some good lines."  
  
Everyone flicked back to the last page.  
  
"That isn't necessarily a given, Kasumi. I got good lines and parts in 'Future Tense' and the 'Cat Scratch Fever' revision. Not that anyone noticed." Akane made a dismissing gesture. "At least in this one I get what I want - to be left alone!"  
  
"I think it should be a 'Nabiki gets Ranma' story, after all, he's rich here and knows the value of money. Just imagine how well I could manage a newly wealthy nation's money." Nabiki smirked and regarded the group over the tops of her glasses. "After all, if I didn't maintain some interest in money, everyone would be screaming 'OOC' no matter what my motivational base was."  
  
"I think it should be a 'Shampoo gets Ranma' story. See here, he's been accepted into the  
Joketsuzoku." Shampoo pointed to a page. "Though I _do_ want to protest the continuing use of the term Amazon. 'Without breasts' indeed! What do they think *these* are?"  
  
"What?" Ukyou looked up with a puzzled expression.  
  
"The Greek phrase 'Amazon' references the practice of the nomad matriachal tribe that Homer wrote of as removing one of their breasts to be better archers," Kasumi said without looking up. "Not something the Joketsuzoku would normally consider."  
  
"Why do I only get Ranma (not that I want him) when he's an arrogant egotistical jerk?"  
  
Everyone else decided to ignore Akane's outburst, rather than get caught up in this argument again.  
  
"I think it should be an 'Ukyou gets Ranma' story, after all maybe his sister could bunk with him at his new college!"  
  
"At least it isn't like that 'Calvin & Hobbes' crossover," sighed Kasumi.  
  
"I don't know, Genma falling into Spring of Drowned Bad Little Boy With Overactive Imagination seemed kind of fitting," Ukyou flipped around in the script. She had to have a spoken line SOMEWHERE! "And the idea of Ranma falling in Spring Of Anthropomorphic Somewhat Wise But Mainly Affectionate & Playful Tiger has *some* appeal."  
  
"You didn't have Ranma going into Hobbes mode every time he got splashed," Kasumi rubbed her forehead. "I kept getting pounced on by an overly affectionate tiger begging for cookies."  
  
"I kept getting pounced on by an overly affectionate tiger who thought I needed to loosen up and play more." Nabiki sighed and studied at a section of her script. She smiled a little, remembering the tickle wars in that story. Playing the part of the Ice Queen beginning to loosen up under the tiger's antics had been... refreshing.  
  
Akane smirked. "Hey, after I beat the stuffings out of him, he *stopped* pouncing on me and trying to get all perverted. I came out ahead in that one."  
  
"Well, I wouldn't have minded getting pounced on a few times," grumbled Ukyou. "It certainly would have been a change of pace."  
  
Ranma-Hobbes pounced from his position in the shadows. The Tickle Wars were about to resume.   
  
---------  
  
OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE  
originally from "Cat Scratch Fever"  
  
Turning the other cheek, an omake by GreggSharp  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Akane is standing next to Ranma and giving her "cute" smile to the camera.  
  
"Now, it's come to my attention that some of you don't accept that the violence   
I commit upon Ranma is justified by his actions or particularly nice." Akane   
smiles again at the camera, one eyebrow raised as if in inquiry. Her tone   
suggests she's addressing children.  
  
Ranma snorts. "Well, it's definitely uncute!"  
  
  
  
Akane puts down the barstool she's just used to slam into Ranma's face and sits   
down on it, smiling again at the camera. "As you can see, this is entirely   
"Three Stooges" violence. No actual pain or harm done."  
  
Ranma's down out of camera field but manages. "Yeah right!"  
  
  
  
Akane tosses the mallet aside and smiles again, using a tone one would use to   
explain something to a difficult preschooler. "Whether I use a mallet..."  
  
  
  
"or a baseball bat..."  
  
  
  
"or an archery set..."  
  
  
  
"or a razor sharp katana..."  
  
"urk! can someone call Doctor Tofu?"  
  
  
  
"or even hundreds of thousands of volts, it doesn't hurt Ranma a bit because   
it's all cartoon violence." Akane shrugs. "Besides he's got it coming for   
calling P-chan a filthy pig."  
  
[help] a tiny sign, smouldering slightly, appears at the bottom of the screen.   
Akane stomps down on something out of sight a few times and the sign disappears.  
  
Akane smiles again. "I hope this has made everything perfectly clear."  
  
Akane leaves. A few moments of blank screen before a thoroughly beaten up, cut   
up, arrows protruding from him, Ranma uses the barstool to crawl up into the   
camera's view. He blinks a couple of times at the camera, then begins removing   
arrows.  
  
"Not real? Doesn't hurt? Doesn't matter? None of the bombs or blades or special   
attacks or anything? After Jusendo and all? None of it?" Ranma stops and blinks   
at the camera again. "Then why do I have something against hitting girls?"  
  
Picking up a large mallet, Ranma (still bearing a few bruises and cuts) grins at   
the camera. "Okay. Now who should I see first? Akane or Nabiki?"  
  
After a few moments he nods and runs offcamera to the right. "Oh, Nabikiiiiii!   
I've got something special for you today!"  
  
"Well, give it here, Saotome."  
  
"Okay. Since you asked for it."  
  
  
  
"Oh, Akane! I've got something for you to express my affection!"  
  
"Really Ranma?!"  
  
  
  
"See folks, whether I use a mallet..."  
  
"R-R-Ranma?"  
  
  
  
"Or a mouko takabisha..."  
  
"b-b-but you don't?!"  
  
  
  
"or a kachuu tenshin amaguriken, it doesn't matter!"  
  
"medic?"   
  
=================  
  
The Problems With Time Travel, an omake  
by Metroanime (aka Gregg Sharp)  
  
"Rei, are you all right?"  
  
Rei held her head, trying to dislodge the sudden influx of visions which had overwhelmed it. "Oh."  
  
Makoto frowned. "Heck, that's weird. I feel it too, like..."  
  
"Like waking up from a bad dream or something truly terrible has just passed us by," Ami frowned. Whatever it was, it was certainly interrupting the study session.  
  
"It was unpleasant," said Hotaru.  
  
Everyone blinked.   
  
"Why is Hotaru-chan here?" Usagi asked, then hastened to add a clarifier. "Not that you're not welcome."  
  
Lots of puzzled expressions.   
  
The door slid open and a boy none of them could recall seeing before stood there. "Venus? Jupiter? You're all here, you're alive? It worked? Thank..."  
  
Everyone had gone from disturbed to puzzled to flabbergasted as this strange boy fell over and slammed into the low table they were surrounding. Ami added a side order of guilty relief as the boy missed her by a few inches.  
  
Ami was up immediately and checking for a pulse. Finding none, and signs that the boy had been *crying* made this even more puzzling. "He's dead?"  
  
"Okay, what the heck is going on?!" Minako was beyond flabbergasted. Usagi had gone into shock but she wasn't saying anything. "Why do we suddenly have a boy here who knows our Senshi identities and..." Minako ran out of steam abruptly. Dead? And why did the boy look sort of familiar?  
  
Makoto looked at Ami trying to open the boy's clenched hand and used her own strength to force it open. The cause of death was immediately identified by everyone there.  
  
"The Silver Millenium Crystal?!" Ami noted, then directing a questioning glance to Usagi.   
  
Usagi fumbled for her brooch and checked, then showed everyone how the crystal at the center was missing.  
  
"ARrrrgh!" Makoto said with considerable feeling. "Why? How? Someone tell me what the heck this means!"  
  
"...and how we're going to deal with a dead body here." Rei pointed out helpfully. "How do we explain *this*?!"  
  
"It's simple, time has been changed."  
  
"WAAUGHHHH!"  
  
As soon as everyone peeled themselves off the walls, Rei made a simple request. "Setsuna-san, can you just use the door like everyone else?"  
  
Setsuna walked up to the boy and reached out to close his eyes. "Well, *now* you've earned my trust. Go gently, dutiful soldier."  
  
"Whoaaa whoaa WHOA! Time-o out-o!" Minako held her hands up in a "T" formation. "What do you mean? Is this another menace from a Dark Kingdom, Black Moon, Chartreuse Wombat or something?"  
  
"'Chartreuse Wombat'?" mouthed several of the sometimes Senshi.  
  
"The sanctity of the timestream," began Setsuna.  
  
"Stop!"  
  
Everyone looked at Usagi. She rarely went into Princess mode, but it was showing now, the steel behind her usual fluff.   
  
"Explain this, Setsuna." There was no hint of her usual ditziness. Rei bit back a comment as Usagi suddenly had that aura of authority around her.  
  
Setsuna sighed and found a seat-cushion. "Fine. Can I at least get a cup of tea?"  
  
---------  
  
The tea had been hastily fixed, and now the body of the unknown boy had been laid off to the side where it wasn't sprawled inelegantly across the table. Besides, now they could close the door.  
  
"It's simple enough," began Setsuna, "though where to begin?"  
  
"This boy's from the future. Sailor Venus and Sailor Jupiter were... killed. This boy somehow got the Silver Crystal from Usagi and used his own life-force to bring them back." Ami said into the silence, putting together the clues.  
  
"I died?!" Minako's hair went into wild cowlicks suddenly.  
  
Makoto twitched a few times. She didn't like dying.  
  
Setsuna looked unhappy but spoke as soon as Minako had stopped twitching. "I looked into the time loop as soon as I noticed something had changed. We all died."  
  
"WaaaahhhH!"  
  
Ami ignored Usagi's wail. "But what about Crystal Tokyo?"  
  
"Created as a mockery," said Setsuna, her eyes closed as she remembered the horrible visions.  
  
Many looks at the boy again, this time with a jumble of different emotions.  
  
"Who's the boy?" Minako finally got out.  
  
"Your boyfriend. Not trusted by myself, or Luna, or Artemis, and especially not by Haruka."  
  
(sniffle) "I got a boyfriend and he's dead before I got to meet him?" Minako was ready to start a full blown crying jag at this.  
  
"A new enemy occurred, someone who could mask themselves through time. I still wasn't able to see them clearly. Just that one after the other of our ranks fell. Sailor Mars was first, then Venus, then Jupiter, then Mercury, then Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Endymion, and Sailor Moon."  
  
"You didn't die?" Rei asked the obvious question.  
  
"Eventually," said Setsuna, shuddering slightly.  
  
"How did we die?" Ami asked, thinking that if the menace were still out there they needed to develop a defense.  
  
"The enemy is faster than we can get off attacks apparently. I couldn't see the enemy but I could see how the future versions of ourselves tried to fight it. After Sailor Mars was ripped in half, Sailor Moon went into shock and couldn't function. After that it apparently got in between your ranks and struck. It uses physical attacks backed by great strength and what was apparently a hard carapace or shell."  
  
"How could you tell if you couldn't see it?" Minako asked in the silence following Setsuna's remark.  
  
"Because when it punched through Sailor Jupiter's head, the remains sprayed out over quite a large area. Are you *sure* you want to know these details?"  
  
Makoto slowly got up, excused herself, went outside and threw up.  
  
"From what I further saw, this boy who had been told not to follow us, did so anyway. Minako was going to have to break up with him, since she'd already blown too many secrets during the Cherry Blossom Festival when she'd had entirely too much sake. He apparently didn't care. He snuck in, got past the Beast, and used the Crystal."  
  
"So, he's..." Minako's gaze towards the dead boy was wistful. He wasn't cute. Still, just a boy who liked her enough to throw his life away for her? She finally gets a boyfriend and someone who understands her and he's dead before they finally meet?! What kami had she offended?!  
  
"Not a member of the Royal Family. Not a member of the Silver Imperium. Just a normal everyday boy who saw the need to do something and did it even though he knew from one of Minako's stories that doing so would likely kill him."  
  
Everyone spent a few moments looking towards the dead boy.   
  
Ami tried to get images of exploding Makoto heads out of her mind. "Uhm, so..."  
  
"Unfortunately, he wasn't that good at things and made some assumptions, so when he rebuilt the timestream there were a few changes." Setsuna frowned slightly. "Unfortunately, the Crystal does not come with an Operator's Manual."  
  
"What kind of changes, Setsuna-mama?" Hotaru spoke for the first time.  
  
"Well, first off, you're not staying with Haruka or Michiru." Setsuna glanced over the crowd. "You've been staying with Makoto."  
  
"Well, that at least makes a certain amount of sense," said Ami. "After all, when they first met her it wasn't long before they *were* trying to kill her."  
  
"That also explains why I'm here," Hotaru said, vaguely remembering something like that. Makoto saying she liked to cook anyway and there was extra room for another futon shortly after that bit in the planetarium. Hadn't that happened?  
  
Setsuna sighed. "There's also the matter of Ami's fiance."  
  
"WHAT?!" This almost qualified as a sonic assault.  
  
Ami merely fidgeted and blushed and shrank in on herself while hoping he was cute.  
  
Setsuna sighed again, unhappily. "This outrageously inept father tried to teach his son a special martial arts manuever called the 'Catfist' by throwing his son repeatedly into a pit of cats while the child was tied up with fish sausages."  
  
There were several "eeew"s after that, but this was tame after the other news of the day.  
  
"So... wait. I remember. There was a little boy and his father offered to engage me to him in return for medical treatment. My mother mainly wanted to get this boy away from his father so played along in the hope that the father would do something really stupid in front of witnesses so that the child could be saved from the next such lapse. His name was Run... Rum..."  
  
"Ranma Saotome, your fiance and Makoto's sensei in Anything Goes martial arts," said Setsuna now rubbing her temples as if she had a migraine. This had not been a crossover timeline previously. "You're remembering it because the past is beginning to catch up. You were partly shielded because the change occurred very close to here."  
  
Ami nodded and began writing details out in her notebook. She hoped he was cute.  
  
"Waitaminute, Ranma Saotome?!" Usagi blinked. "I remember that name!"  
  
"Yes, he was also engaged to you and to Rei and to any of the daughters Tendo and to Ukyo Kuonji," Setsuna said to Usagi. "I really need an aspirin."  
  
"Ukyo Kuonji?! He was my sempai!" Makoto said brightly as she finally got back. "Waitaminute, my sempai was engaged to another guy?"  
  
"Ukyo Kuonji is a girl who dresses up as a guy due to an oath she made," said Setsuna. "Make that an extra-strength aspirin."  
  
Makoto sniffled as her sudden vision of being reconciled with her sempai crashed and burned.  
  
"If you use the Silver Crystal, you *might* be able to fix it, Usagi, but I wouldn't bet on it." Setsuna normally didn't drink but was considering getting very very drunk at this point.  
  
"Waitaminute, Ranma as in 'Ranma 1/2'? I have a manga on that right... Well, I *had* a manga." Rei blinked as she finally caught up. "*I* am engaged to Ranma Saotome?"  
  
Setsuna couldn't help but smirk briefly. "Yes. 'Terrible tragic story' of young shinto shrine maiden tomboy who get engaged by great grandfather to son of wandering martial artist."  
  
"That's crazy!" Rei exclaimed, a bit of panic in her eyes.  
  
The smirk vanished and Setsuna winced. "I *really* need a headache pill. Or three. You don't have the manga anymore because timelines got crossed and now all that actually occurred."  
  
"And he turns into a girl when splashed with cold water, turns back with hot, arrogant martial artist with no people skills? Father turns into a panda?" Rei flinched. Oh sacred flame, she did not like this.  
  
"Is he cute?" Ami asked from somewhere within the blushing huddle.  
  
"What about *my* boyfriend?" Minako asked. "He's dead over there."  
  
"GET ME SOME ASPIRIN DAMN IT!" Setsuna rubbed her forehead. That hadn't exactly helped.  
  
Rei scurried off. Everyone else just stared.  
  
"AH! His body vanished!" Minako pointed. Great, now she didn't even have an ex-boyfriend.  
  
"The past is catching up... oh no." Setsuna felt like beating her head against the table except she was already in serious pain.  
  
"What?!" Minako was hopeful.  
  
"Rei isn't engaged to Ranma anymore," noted Setsuna as Rei returned. "An eddy in the timestream wiped that and gave her a different fiance."  
  
"What?!" Rei almost dropped the bottle of aspirin.  
  
"Rei is currently engaged to someone else who manages shrines. A boy from Okayama named Tenchi Masaki. Do you mind giving me that aspirin now?" Setsuna took the bottle, shook out three of the painkillers and slugged them down with the last of her tea.  
  
"Tenchi Muyo?!" Rei said with more than a trace of disbelief. "Well, that's a little better at least."  
  
"Wow! Am I engaged to anyone, Makoto-mama?" Hotaru asked cutely, not even realizing that she was now fourteen years old.  
  
"I don't know, Hotaru-chan. So Rei's engaged to a guy named Tenchi, Ami and Usagi are engaged to Ranma Saotome who is also my martial arts sensei?" Makoto asked. She was almost afraid to ask if *she* were engaged to someone.  
  
"Oh, screw it," said Setsuna uncharacteristically. "*All* of us are engaged."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Oh, wait one moment. He didn't close the loop. I can undo all this!" Setsuna came up with an eerie light in her eyes. "That way only the Weakest Link would have to die."  
  
"EXCUSE ME?!"  
  
"I will *not* be engaged to Ryouga Hibiki," declared Setsuna. "Oh, Haruka, when did you get here?"  
  
Haruka straightened his tie and wished that he could have shaved this morning. "Uhm, anybody notice something *different* this morning?"  
  
Everyone (except Setsuna) shook their heads wildly on seeing a more masculine (and in need of a shave) Haruka in the doorway.  
  
"Let me guess," said Minako after Haruka had walked away. "My dead boyfriend whose name I still don't know thought Haruka was a guy?"  
  
"Apparently," said Setsuna.   
  
"What happened to Luna and Artemis anyway?" Ami had just noted that the two mooncats were missing.   
  
"Taking a sabbatical after they found out Ami's fiance suffers from extreme ailurophobia." Setsuna picked up the crystal that Usagi had apparently forgotten about. "I need to get busy."  
  
"WAIT!"  
  
Setsuna abruptly vanished. Everyone looked around at each other.  
  
Ami watched her computer. "Temporal wave detected. Reaching us. NOW."  
  
"I'm still here," noted Hotaru. "I wonder if I'm engaged still?"  
  
Ami looked down at her notes. "Apparently I'm still engaged to Urawa-san."   
  
"That's nice," offered Rei. "Do you suppose anything's changed?"  
  
"Well, there's the picture of you and Yuuichiro after that bit with the daimon train girl," noted Usagi. "So he's probably still your boyfriend."  
  
"That's not all that comforting you know," said Rei with a wince.  
  
"Another temporal wave," said Ami after her computer beeped. "3,2,1. Ok."  
  
"Here's the picture of when Haruka and Michiru split up." Minako sighed. "Well, with Haruka being such a flirt it was bound to happen sooner or later."  
  
"Excuse me, look for something that's *changed*," advised Rei, looking about her with her scarlet eyes. "Though it might be that something already has changed and we wouldn't necessarily know it."  
  
Everyone stared at the short-haired albino briefly.  
  
"What do you mean?" Usagi asked, wondering if this was just more introspection on the part of the pale girl. Rei could be so weird some times.  
  
"If our pasts, and everything with them changed, how would we know?" Rei Ayanami, Sailor Mars, began doing something that everyone that knew her dreaded. She was getting philosophical. "After all, do not our pasts shape us as individuals? If Tsukino-san was not so fastidious and so concerned with her skills as a practitioner of Wing Chun style Kung Fu, would she have been able to defeat Eudial in that battle? If Mizuno-san were not such a practical joker, would she have pursued Urawa-san - much less caught him in a snare trap until he agreed to marry her? Do not our individual pasts shape our present which in turn becomes our future? If..."  
  
"Another temporal wave," interrupted Ami before Rei could build up too much steam. "Whatever Setsuna is doing, she's apparently having trouble. 3, 2, 1."  
  
Everyone started looking around.  
  
Serena offered a guess. "Is that a new jacket, Amy?"  
  
Amy tugged at her WWII bomber jacket that she'd gotten from her cousin George. "No, I just don't wear it a lot."  
  
"Nan desu ka?"  
  
"Speak English, Hotaru, I know your Dad is very traditional Japanese but we lost that war a long time ago," advised Serena. "Besides, you're staying with Lita right now anyway."  
  
"We're still costumed crimefighters, aren't we?" Mina nervously checked and gave a sigh of relief when she found her mutant powers of light generation were still intact. The Dazzler could still battle evildoers it looked.  
  
Amy heard a beep and pulled out a heavily modified PDA. "Another temporal wave approaching. Uh oh. Looks like there's been a Hulk sighting in Nerima!"  
  
This time the temporal wave was visible and seemed to carry the sound of Sailor Pluto swearing like a, well, like a sailor.  
  
"I take it things are not going well at the Gate Of Time," grumbled Takeo Mizuno. Tuxedo Mercury hoped this wouldn't take long, he was missing soccer practice for this!  
  
Yumemaru Tsukino, aka Tuxedo Moon, stretched his shoulders. "Well, what can we do?"  
  
Mika Chiba, the sometimes Sailor Terra, just looked at her boyfriend and wondered what was going on.  
  
Another wave and sound of someone inventively swearing.  
  
"Pika?" Makoto inquired. "Pika pi pikachu?"  
  
"Cle. Clefairy fairy fair," noted Usagi.  
  
Ami sighed. All her pokemon were having a conversation and she was having to spend time working with her pokedex.  
  
"um um umbreon," suggested Hotaru.  
  
"Jiggly! Jigglypuff puff puff," insisted Minako.  
  
"Char!" Rei disagreed strongly.  
  
Another wave passed, this time with the sound of someone pleading for it to work this time.  
  
"Nothing different," said Ami, taking a moment to look at herself in the mirror of her compact.  
  
"Where's Master?" asked Hotaru, chewing nervously on the tip of her tail. She knew it was a bad habit but this sort of thing made her nervous. Of course, lots of things made her nervous.  
  
Another wave though the sound accompanying it sounded like someone weeping.  
  
There was a few moments of silence, which was broken as Sailor Pluto reappeared. She stared at each of them as if looking for anything out of place then let out a deep relieved sigh. "Thank kami. Everything's fixed. Here you go, Usagi-san."  
  
Usagi took the crystal back then looked up at Sailor Pluto. She looked *awfully* stressed out.  
  
"I think you need to schedule some quality time with your boyfriend," advised Minako.  
  
Setsuna froze, then slowly turned, one eyebrow twitching. "*What* did you say?"  
  
"Yes, Pluto-san," said Belldandy as she put down her teacup, smiling up at the twitching Sailor. "I'm sure Urd or Skuld would be happy to watch the Time Gate briefly."  
  
*THUD!*  
  
"You know, this is the first time I've ever seen Sailor Pluto faint," mentioned Minako.  
  
"This is fate," insisted Rei.  
  
------------  
  
The model of time travel and changing futures doesn't stay consistent within the Sailor Moon series, so i thought i'd have some fun with it. Take it cool, people! 


	4. bride of omake

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE  
  
"I am *not* Genma Saotome, nor will I portray him even in a simulation."   
  
"...but..." The black cat looked inquiringly up at the old man.  
  
"NO. Do you have *any* idea how dangerous my life is?"  
  
"...but..."  
  
"I've raised kids before you know. Can't you get Drizzt to do it?"  
  
"Why are you bringing *me* into this conversation, old man?"  
  
"How about I give both of you a major magic item and a promise of no interference for a hundred years?" Toltiir asked the two.  
  
The drow ranger looked tempted by the possibility of an Elder god of mischief being out of his hair for a century. Not that he had many funny slapstick adventures, but it didn't help his image to have to deal with "wackiness" or the like. "Joint custody? How about some of those Arrows Of Sunlight. Those *could* come in handy. No. Probably not."  
  
"*Absolutely* not. Do you know how many heroes I've sponsored since Myth Drannor?" Elminster frowned. "There is no way I'm taking on an apprentice at my age."  
  
"Well, neither of *them* could do nearly the job I could anyway," added another.  
  
Elminster and Drizzt glared at the newcomer. Neither really wanted to try and raise Ranma from the pit of cats and try to overcome Genma's influence. There was a little pride involved, however. "Prove it!"  
  
---------  
  
Yet Another Worse Father Than Genma? A continuing omake by gregg sharp.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Characters are by other people. Ranma 1/2 by Rumiko Takahashi. Elminster, Drizzt Do'Urden and the Forgotten Realms are by Ed Greenwood and TSR. Toltiir is by Toltiir.  
  
---------  
  
Ranma screamed. He screamed in pain. He screamed in fear. He screamed in just plain old desire not to be thrown back in the pit.  
  
The Catfist training was a turning point for Ranma Saotome in a number of ways.   
  
Prior to the Catfist he had doubts about blindly following his father's dictums. Prior to the Catfist he remembered that he had a mother. Prior to the Catfist he was still able to function as a multi-layered human being. Prior to the Catfist Ranma Saotome was not exclusively devoted to the martial arts.  
  
After the Catfist Ranma would go on to excel in pride and arrogance, eschewing all other activities than martial arts. After the Catfist Ranma would forget his mother and other people would come to touch his heart less and less. He would close his ability to care for others, it was a tough world and unforgiving - full of cruelty designed to make one stronger. Pain was there to make one stronger.  
  
So, as Genma got ready to throw his son into a pit of hungry cats for the second time, it was an excellent time for an interruption.  
  
Genma threw the screaming child into the pit and turned to where he had put the bottle of sake. He was hoping the stupid boy would hurry up and learn the unbeatable manuever and...  
  
Genma stopped. He couldn't actually have seen what he *thought* he saw, could he?  
  
The obese Saotome patriarch turned around and cautiously peered into the bottom of the pit.  
  
Except the bottom of the pit didn't seem to actually be there.   
  
Genma even more cautiously went to the edge of pit and stared for a few moments more before he finally summed it up. "My god, it's full of stars..."  
  
----------  
  
Genma began wandering after that. While he had watched the floor had reappeared. No cats. No Ranma.  
  
His reason for wandering was quite simple.  
  
He couldn't face a regular job. He was firmly convinced that anything approaching real work was demeaning to a man of his nature. Genma was also quite uncertain of what to do now as his plans had been developed and set for years.  
  
First he would dump his wife and responsibilities to train Ranma to be a superior martial artist. Then he would go off to his old buddy Soun, marry Ranma off to one of those daughters, the son and daughter would then operate the dojo and lead to Genma's long and comfortable retirement.  
  
No son. Therefore no ten years of training, therefore no marriage, therefore no comfortable retirement. Therefore Genma had to go back to his wife and get a job. Providing she didn't kill him or require seppuku.  
  
This was clearly not acceptable.  
  
So Genma had eventually found a nice bar where he was on his fourth bottle of sake, trying to come up with a way of compensating for a son who had vanished.  
  
The best ideas he'd come up with so far had been: a) just going off and forgetting about this and starting over again with a new wife and child; b) a replacement Ranma; c) going to visit his old buddy Soun and divorce Nodoka and marry one of Soun's daughters. So far "C" was beginning to look quite appealing and it would unite the two families.  
  
"Ah, Mister Saotome," said a woman sliding into the barstool next to Genma.   
  
Genma blinked. This wasn't a bill collector was she? She certainly wasn't dressed for a seedy bar in downtown Kobe.  
  
"I was wondering if a deal could be made between you and I regarding your son," the woman said to him, then spoke to barkeep. "Tea, green, hot."  
  
Genma considered as he reached for bottle #5. He didn't *have* Ranma, Ranma was *gone*. The entire pit have been filled with a deep darkness and lots of stars. When the strange image had passed there had been no Ranma so it wasn't like he was doing anything *wrong* by selling Ranma. He'd sold Ranma off before anyway so it wasn't a big deal. "Well, my son is very valuable."  
  
"For the next ten years I'm interested in training your son to be a sort of bodyguard to a very important individual," the woman said quietly but somehow over the noise of the bar.  
  
"Ah, well he can't neglect his studies in the martial arts," said Genma. "Very important."  
  
"I'm willing to pay a considerable sum," said the woman, regarding him briefly with the most unnerving reddish eyes.  
  
"How much?"  
  
The woman reached into her purse and withdrew a small stack of papers. "You'll find the pertinent figures there on the first page."  
  
"Well, I don't know my boy is... SOLD!" Genma quickly looked for the line to sign on. He didn't have the boy anyway and he could at least get this woman to pay his bar tab.  
  
The woman seemed amused as Genma signed and pressed his hanko into the appropriate places. "Fine. Fine. Here's the payment in full."  
  
Genma's eyes popped as the woman lifted an attache case and set it in front of Genma. He couldn't believe his luck! By the time this idiot woman realized he didn't have Ranma he'd be long gone. "Uhm, so. I guess I'll bring Ranma by here tomorrow."  
  
The woman had already drank her tea and gotten up, looking back over her shoulder at the portly man. "Oh, I've already taken possession of the merchandise."  
  
"Fine, fine," said Genma, not really paying attention as he popped the case open.  
  
"Well, we witnessed it," said one of the young men nearby, getting up to leave with the woman.  
  
"First time I've seen an engagement arrangement work so smoothly," said another.  
  
"Huh?" Genma said, suddenly beginning to realize that something was wrong as photographers snapped photos and he realized someone had videotaped the whole proceeding. Well, let them. He'd outsmarted all of them.  
  
"Genma Saotome?"  
  
Genma shut the case slowly having recognized that voice. Slowly he turned.  
  
This crowd of people he did recognize. He'd stolen from most of them. Oh dear.  
  
------  
  
10 years later:  
  
Soun snipped the envelope, wondering why someone would send him a videotape.  
  
He put it in and immediately wept with joy to see his old friend Genma on there. His old friend... wait a minute. Soun turned the sound up.  
  
Almost sleepwalking, he went back to the package and pulled out the photos and laid them aside. The thirty page legal document drew his attention.  
  
"GENMAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
----------  
  
Nodoka wondered why someone would send her a videotape.  
  
She watched it, rewound it, played it again. There was really only one thing she could say about this.  
  
"Where's my sharpening stone?"  
  
--------  
  
Genma, currently breaking rocks in a Japanese prison for repeated petty theft and assault on a police officer, felt a chill go down his back and thanked the kami he was in a nice safe prison under an assumed name.  
  
--------  
  
Setsuna Meiou merely smiled as she looked over her own copy of the document. Which stated, among other things, that the contract superceded all previous negotiations and rendered them null and void. That basically, if the contract was broken by Genma, she would have ended up owning the Saotome family assets down to the last nickel and putting them into debt beyond their ability to pay.  
  
Ranma continued to flow through a complicated kata from where he was, not concerned.  
  
He'd read the contract years ago and seen the tape. His father had sold him off. Ranma had come to terms with those events.  
  
In the meantime he'd trained long and hard for what he knew to be an important job.  
  
Yojimbo. Bodyguard. An old and noble profession, one that many ronin had undertaken over many years. He had a new clan and had been trained by some of the best of the best.  
  
He still had to meet the Tendos, apparently Meiou-oneechan felt that it was important to personally apologize for the oversight of his father. He was tempted to bring his iinazuke along, but that might cause problems.  
  
Finishing by drawing ki in from his surroundings to replenish the energy he'd expended, Ranma readied himself for the coming confrontation.  
  
-------  
  
Nabiki held the door open as she looked over this stranger come calling. Tall, with a lithe muscular look that bespoke of a career in gymnastics or martial arts. This guy wasn't cute, he instead had the sort of lean roguish good looks that could have made a fortune in the modeling business. "Uhm, hello."  
  
"Good evening, Miss. I am here to speak with Soun Tendo," said the youth, bowing formally and politely.  
  
Nabiki looked over the guy some more, enjoying what she was seeing. Not only was he built quite attractively, but he was dressed pretty nicely too. "Daddy is..." How to say that her father was a blubbering wreck?  
  
"I understand," said the youth. "It is regarding that matter I wished to speak with him."  
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi as she arrived. "A guest. I'm sorry but Father isn't really up to visitors right now."  
  
"Ah, you're the eldest daughter?" On seeing her nod, the youth bowed again. "In that case, I tender my deepest apologies to you as representitive of your father. My name is Ranma Saotome."  
  
There was a brief moment of silence, broken a moment later by the trampling of feet as the Tendo patriarch lunged for the door.  
  
Unfortunately, Kasumi and Nabiki were still occupying the door.  
  
*CRASH* *TRAMPLE!*  
  
"Oops." "Ouch." "Owie."  
  
Ranma looked down at the tangle. "Uhm, should I get a doctor?"  
  
--------  
  
"This is Kasumi, she's 20. This is Nabiki, she's 18. This is Akane, she's 17."  
  
"This is Ranma," said Ranma, "who is already engaged. You've got a copy of the contract."  
  
"The Tendo arrangement predates that one," began Soun again.  
  
"While this one specifically states it takes precedence over all pre-existing ones," said Ranma in a perfectly reasonable tone. "Besides, me and Mako-chan get along really well."  
  
"B-b-b-but?!" Soun privately cursed Genma for not being here.  
  
Akane was mollified somewhat. This boy wasn't trying to get engaged and was sincerely not interested. She had enough trouble with Tatewaki Kuno, who had finally gone all out and beaten her and was now insisting that they were engaged. The thing was, as soon as Kuno had offered money to her father, the engagement had been formalized pending only one thing. This boy was her last chance to avoid the engagement to Tatewaki Kuno.   
  
Nabiki had slowly lost interest. She'd love the chance to get out of Nerima but she'd be going off to a college in Juuban soon anyway.  
  
Kasumi looked over the boy with a certain interest. Doctor Tofu had moved away halfway through the year, still unable to bring himself to any sort of coherency in her presence. He wasn't interested in gaining a fiancee, which was a pity, but certainly nothing she could affect. Still it was worth a moment of pleasant fantasy. Nabiki would be off to college soon, and then Akane possibly. Then she'd be free. Free to do what was a good question.  
  
Ranma shrugged helplessly. "I'm just here to apologize on behalf of my birth-father. I've got quite a full day ahead of me so I'll just be going."  
  
"B-b-b-but..." Soun desperately sought for something to say that would keep the boy here.  
  
--------  
  
"So you see, I make a better father than Genma," declared Sailor Pluto as the on-screen Ranma fled. "Ranma is a trained martial artist and bodyguard of the Princess - so he's got a career."  
  
"Akane ends up being kidnapped by Kodachi for 'bridal training' for her brother," noted Bast. "Looks uncomfortable."  
  
"Makoto Kino gets a sempai and a fiance she can keep, Ranma gets a girl who can understand him and who enjoys cooking." Toltiir nodded. "It's a good match: they have enough in common for common ground but not so much that they're competing in everything. With overlapping duties, they mesh well professionally and personally even with his occasional lapses into foot in mouth disease."  
  
"Soun doesn't give up on the Tendo marriage concept," pointed out Bast. "Akane may be out of the running, and Nabiki is off at college, that leaves one daughter he can push towards Ranma. Looks like she doesn't do too well as a seductress - gets too embarassed too easily."  
  
"I have trouble with this image of you as a matchmaker, Pluto." Toltiir looked towards the Senshi of Time. "You don't seem quite the sort. Venus I could see."  
  
Sailor Pluto shrugged slightly. "Why do I always have to be the mysterious no-fun by-the-book manipulative sort? Can't I engage in something where people are happier at the end of the game?"  
  
"It's just... odd," admitted Bast.  
  
"AH!" Toltiir pounced as he selected a scene. "Oh HO."  
  
Bast repeatedly blinked, then grinned. "Ah HAH."  
  
Pluto colored slightly and tried to look dignified.  
  
"Gave yourself a lemon scene, did you?" Toltiir smirked. "Romantic subplot and kids and the whole nine yards, eh?"  
  
Pluto shrugged again. "Hey. Nobody said I couldn't have fun, did they?"  
  
==================== 


	5. another scary omake

"A *Worse* Father Than Genma?" Raideen asked, wanting to make sure he'd heard right. "Or do you mean a *Better* Father Than Genma?"  
  
"It sort of altered as it went along," admitted Toltiir. "People like Sailor Pluto whom you'd expect to be poor parents, and they're doing a better job than the original father: Genma Saotome."  
  
Hesta clucked softly. "I think altering the three Tendo girls would be more interesting. Their mother's death alters the three. The oldest tries to become the perfect Japanese housewife, like her mother. The middle goes into a moneyhungry mercenary possessive mode where everything is seen in terms of profit. The youngest is a creature of passionate rage and self-absorbed ego. How easy it would be to alter it so that the kernel that forms the basis for their later development shifted to another focus."  
  
"Maybe some other time," Toltiir said, though admitting that Hesta's idea had some merit. The idea of a Kasumi who was off at college or work when Ranma arrived, or a Nabiki who was a rabid manga artist/fangirl, or an Akane who was studying to be a concert pianist - it had some definite appeal.  
  
"With the test point being when Ranma meets the Tendos for the first time," said Raideen thoughtfully. "Well, if you want a potentially nasty possibility, and as long as this is just a simulation. What if I got *this* individual to be Ranma's guardian and sensei."  
  
"You could do that?" Toltiir was a little surprised. "I didn't know you knew him."  
  
"He owes a favor to someone who owes a favor to me," Raideen supplied.  
  
  
--------  
  
Son Of A Worse Father Omake, by Gregg Sharp  
  
DISCLAIMER: Original characters by others put through my blender.  
  
--------  
  
Genma whistled happily. He had just sold Ranma, soon he was going to steal him back. A simple enough transaction. It's not like a sophisticated Japanese citizen like himself couldn't outmaneuver some gaijin peasant.  
  
"Pop?! You *sold* me?!" Ranma stared, wondering why he had to have a father who was such an idiot.  
  
"It's for your own good boy," exclaimed Genma. Now he had the cash needed to rent a house, get that pit dug, fill it with all the cats in the neighborhood, and he'd be ready to teach Ranma the Cat Fist.  
  
The fat man nodded. "Nine years learning what I can teach you of martial arts. Then you go back to your father for one year before you make a choice as to what path to take."  
  
"NINE YEARS?!" From a five year old's perspective, nine years was an eternity.  
  
Genma smirked. Two days tops, then Ranma would learn this invincible style. By the time this idiot realized Ranma was gone, they'd be far far away.  
  
Ranma watched his father leave with a certain degree of horror. He'd been sold before, but not like this. NINE YEARS?! By the time he got done with that he'd be... OLD!!  
  
"Your father tells me you want to be the greatest martial artist in the world," said the fat man. "Is that what *you* want? It will be long and painful."  
  
The boy drew himself up and jerked his thumb towards his chest. "Yup! I'm gonna be the BEST!"  
  
"Hmmph," said the fat man, blurring as suddenly the land around Ranma blurred as well.   
  
"Aghhh!" Ranma managed before mainly getting imbedded in the ground by really high gravity.  
  
The fat man, now colored blue and having long trailing antennae that somehow gave him a "catfish" sort of appearance tsked at the sight. "Well, I'm going to fix dinner. If you're hungry, I'll leave a plate out."  
  
"Nnnngh," Ranma said, trying to crawl forward. "Uhnnnn."  
  
The fat man looked back. "If not, I'll have to see if Piccolo can take over your training until you're ready to start some *serious* martial arts training."  
  
"Unnngghhh!" Ranma tried to move repeatedly, feeling squished by his own body weight. "Hey, I'm... Ranma Saotome... and I don't..."  
  
---------  
  
Close up of a calender as the pages begin blowing away in the breeze, cue music:  
  
"With the same foolishness as walking blindly through a maze,  
I stepped straight into a world containing only heartache,  
Forever chasing an endless dream."  
  
Images of a little boy growing up, being given a lot of very tough training by a tall green fellow with pointed ears and antennae by the name of Piccolo Daimioh.  
  
"Don't waste your time,  
All day, all night, all the time."  
  
The prior images are replaced by images of the boy of about twelve, now much tougher and more muscular, chasing first a monkey and then a beetle like creature while the catfish-man (Kaioh-sama) watches.  
  
"Don't waste your love,  
It's a truth which never lets go."  
  
Ranma is shown sparring with one figure after another, some male, some female, some human-like, some far from it.   
  
"Break the darkness,  
Break it through the night!"  
  
Ranma is shown getting the snot beaten out of him by a short guy with spiky black hair and a very big attitude. As the music fades out, he holds up a sign that reads: [Maybe I can settle for being just really damn good?]  
  
----------  
  
Light flared and Ranma walked through the shimmer without a backwards glance at his "fathers" for the past few years. Piccolo, Kaioh-sama, Vegita. Not exactly a group that was into goodbyes or touchy-feely exhibitions.   
  
Now all he had to do was find his biological parent. Someone he frankly wasn't that fond of. Genma had sold him off. Now he had a year to find him and decide whether to return to where he could be one of the elite Z Warriors or stay here and...   
  
Ranma spat as he considered what Kaioh-shin-sama had said. His father wanted him to be a martial artist that could be pushed around, who could provide for his overweight lazy father by being bossed around and engaged to some "destined fiancee" who was going to push him around and insult him all the time.  
  
Some of the people were staring at him. He was wearing the black sleeveless outfit he'd gotten from Kaioh-shin-sama. Since it would regenerate from darn near dust, it was his most practical outfit. He had no idea how many of the red practice uniforms he'd gone through.  
  
Then he felt it. Several high chi signatures, though they felt a little off. One big dark chi, and a something else. Perfect. He could use a good fight, it always settled his nerves.  
  
--------  
  
"Ahahahahahahaha," laughed Jedite. He wondered why he hadn't thought of using spiders as the basis for youma previously. "You fell into my trap, Sailor Moron! Now, youma, slay them all!"  
  
Four little girls who hadn't been fighting evil for very long screamed as a slavering eight limbed giant spider began moving towards them while they were stuck within webbing.  
  
"Oh man, this is pathetic." *SQUISH!*  
  
The four girls screamed again, this time because bug splat had just flown out from a point of impact.  
  
A fifteen year old boy straightened up and regarded Jedite. "Was this *your* monster?"  
  
Jedite saw all the energy this boy had and realized how much Beryl would reward him for capturing it. "Yes. And your energy belongs to the Dark Kingdom!"  
  
Ranma grunted as the pain of a chi-draining technique hit him. ~Well, classify him as the bad guy. Hitting him with a chi attack would probably be a bad thing. That leaves physical attacks. Too bad: for him.~  
  
Jedite had a moment to blink before the boy was suddenly in front of him, a fist heading for his face at high speed.  
  
*CRUNCH!* (Fade, dissolve.)  
  
"Fire... soul..." Mars finally wiggled loose enough to beginning burning webs away.  
  
Jupiter got a good look at their rescuer as the tension cut from her prison. Tall. Muscular in lean way. Deep blue eyes. Ruggedly handsome. Tall. Thick hair. Healthy looking. Tall. Exquisitely sexy. Talking to Mercury.  
  
Jupiter blinked. How had Mercury got there before her?!  
  
"Hi there, I'm Sailor Mercury. Thank you for rescuing us!" She looked up into those blue eyes and found an addition to her previous activities was mandated. Study, plan to be a doctor, and now - get a studly boyfriend!   
  
"Excuse me," said Mars, sliding into place and somehow cutting in front of Mercury. "I just wanted to thank you personally, maybe we could get dinner."  
  
"Hey," exclaimed Jupiter, feeling left out and trying to cut in front of Mars.  
  
"It was a pretty wimpy monster," said Ranma sadly. "I didn't get a chance to really unload."  
  
"Oh we get those all the time," said Jupiter, thinking quickly. "They're always attacking around here. If you want to stick around you can kill the next one too!"  
  
Ranma turned a joyous smile on the green-clad girl that caused four little girls' hearts to melt into puddles. "Really? All right! Thanks!"  
  
---------  
  
Calender pages start flying by in the breeze again, though slower than the first time.  
  
Scenes of Ranma out on dates with most of the Senshi, with Ranma looking puzzled for the most part. Ranma getting into big fights and enjoying himself immensely. Ranma flattening Dark Generals. Ranma using a Kamehameha Kaioh-ken San Bai Da to open up a section of Beryl's base so that the Senshi don't have to deal with annoying youma.  
  
The Senshi practically falling apart when Ranma announces he's leaving again to find his father.  
  
Ami finding his mother after Ranma leaves and announcing herself as Ranma's girlfriend. Followed by Makoto discovering what Ami has done and announces that *she* is also Ranma's girlfriend. Followed in its own turn by Minako announcing that she's Ranma's fiancee! Nodoka Saotome dancing around with little fans because her son is *so* manly.  
  
The Doom Tree saga occurs, Ranma crosses paths with the Senshi again. More fight sequences. Ranma is introduced to his mother. His mother starts hinting very strongly that any of the four girls trying to marry him would be a good catch.  
  
Sailor Pluto wanders in, checks the effect on Crystal Tokyo, starts actively trying to fix Ranma up with ANY of the Senshi.  
  
Genma is found in a wharfside bar in Yokohama. The name Tendo Dojo comes up.  
  
--------  
  
A fairly sizable house in Tokyo's suburb of Nerima, where the occasional odd thing was known to happen.  
  
"WHAT?!!!"  
  
Such as the house visibly shaking from three girls exclaiming at once.  
  
"You've never met him?" Akane looked at her father as if she could scarcely believe this latest development. On second thought, considering that bit with the "make millions in your own home" get rich quick scheme he'd bought into, maybe it wasn't that far a reach.  
  
"Nope. Genma lost track of his boy for several years, but now they've been reunited and he's bringing his son by." Soun smiled at how well they were taking it.  
  
"Father, father, father," Kasumi shook her head. "I hope he's not younger than me. Younger men are so... boring." How odd: as soon as she said that she could swear that she heard a cat laughing in the distance.  
  
A voice spoke from the front lawn. "This better not be a trick, old fool."  
  
"That must be Ranma," said Nabiki, already moving at high speed towards the door.  
  
A moment later she ran *back* into the living room. "THERE'S A MONSTER IN THE FRONT YARD!"  
  
The recipient of a Yeti-carrying-an-eel-and-duck-riding-a-bull curse shouldered his way through the front door and looked around at everyone. [Hi Soun. Brought the boy.]  
  
The young man walked in and caused three girls to almost forget that there was a huge misshapen monster in their living room. He was tall and buff and studly and dressed in a school uniform. "Can someone get some hot water so that he can talk at least. Not that I really want to *hear* anything after that last bonehead manuever."  
  
"Muaaaaw," said the creature, somehow managing to sound angry and upset.  
  
"Are you?" Soun looked over the figure and felt a ki signature radiating off this boy that was stronger than even the Master's. Dare he hope?  
  
"I'm Ranma Saotome. You're Tendo-san. I think my Pop wanted me to challenge your dojo, he hasn't told me *why* it's so important to come here yet." Ranma looked them all over. Pathetic. Not one decent fight to be had here.  
  
Kasumi ducked to her kitchen to fetch hot water and not incidently hide her blush.  
  
Nabiki was eyeing the boy in the tight uniform, realizing that it was probably so tight because they didn't make them in his size, and that he made all of the boys at Furinkan look like starving dogs. He certainly passed the studmuffin test, now if he could just give some indication of how intelligent or wealthy he was.  
  
Akane gaped. She was able to read some level of martial arts skill, thereby knowing exactly how much force to use against her horde of "admirers" without permanent injury, but what she was reading just could not be real! Could it? How to get him out to the dojo so she could check? Ah, he thought he was here for a challenge?  
  
"At last you're... URK!" Soun attempted to do a flying crying glomp, a more difficult manuever than it sounded. He ran into a hand that was considerably harder than concrete. Soun Tendo went night-night.  
  
"Was that the challenge?" Ranma sounded puzzled. He was a trained martial artist. If attacked, he would defend himself before he even registered what was going on. Had someone tried to catch him unawares?  
  
"Okay, then I challenge you!" Akane smirked. Not only would she be able to see how good this guy was, once she'd beaten him this engagement would be off.  
  
"Fine. Where?" Ranma shrugged. Maybe this girl was concealing her power. Really really really well.  
  
"Dojo. Now!" Akane's smirk went to a nearly feral grin. She loved it when a plan came together.  
  
The minotaur was looking panicked (as a matter of fact, he had adopted a pose recognizable as "The Scream" to art enthusiasts) before he started waving a sign around (accidently imbedding it briefly in the ceiling). [Don't do it! You'll die!]  
  
Nabiki went briefly into the kitchen and came back with some beans to throw at the obvious oni that had come to visit if he caused any more damage to the house.  
  
Ranma walked into the dojo and stretched. He wondered where the repellor and hardening fields were. Otherwise this place would be way too flimsy to be a *real* dojo.  
  
"Ready," said Akane, getting into position and pose.  
  
"Whenever you are," replied Ranma. When was this little girl going to show her power? She was certainly confident enough.  
  
"Hiyaaaa," Akane started forward.  
  
Ranma's arm seemed to blur for a second.  
  
--------  
  
Nabiki and Kasumi gaped as the minotaur grabbed the kettle, upended it over himself, and turned into a portly man with evil piggy little eyes.  
  
"Thank you. I am Genma Saotome," said the man, bowing slightly.  
  
"Genma! So good to see you," Soun exclaimed, holding an ice pack to his head.  
  
"No time, we've got to save your daughter's life!" Genma turned and began a dash towards the dojo.  
  
Ranma came out of the dojo, someone draped over his shoulder. "Man. She *sucks.*"  
  
"Aaaaa! My little daughter is dead!" Soun began wailing.  
  
"Pop, why did you want me to challenge this dojo? I stopped her with a forehead flick. This wouldn't even make a decent warmup."  
  
"Oooo," said Akane. "I'll try the red dress, mommy."  
  
Akane was quickly laid down and got Soun's ice pack on her forehead.  
  
"Well, son, these are my daughters. This is Kasumi, she's 19. This is Nabiki, she's 17. This is Akane, she's 16. Pick whichever one you like..." Soun noticed Genma making shushing gestures behind Ranma's back.  
  
Ranma made a face. "I'm not a cannibal, Mister Tendo."  
  
"That wasn't what he meant," began Nabiki.  
  
"Oh?" Ranma thought a bit then brightened. "Oh! This is like that society on Yellow Island, isn't it? Oh well that's different! I was worried there for a moment."   
  
Kasumi's blush increased as the boy eyed Nabiki and herself for a few moments.  
  
"...but I don't like brussel sprouts," Akane informed everyone during the silence.  
  
"You two are actually okay with this?" Ranma asked. The one girl was blushing and looking down at the floor. Kinda like Ami. The other met his eyes and seemed to be a bit more like Rei.   
  
"Family honor is involved," said Kasumi, though she was really hoping more would be involved.  
  
"Well, I'd kind of like to get to know you first," said Nabiki after continuing to consider this boy.  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Okay. Fine."  
  
"You're going to choose which one to be your wife?" Soun asked in the silence.  
  
"HUH?!" Ranma was flabbergasted. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"  
  
"...boys are icky! I like girls." Akane said in a little girl's voice.  
  
"What did you think he meant?" Nabiki wondered aloud.  
  
"You know like Yellow Island," said Ranma absently, giving his father a look that seemed to promise unspeakable violence was in the offing. "You defeat a dojo there, you get one of the students to be your indentured servant for five years during which time you take them on as a student as well - then they go back and make their own dojo stronger or they renew for another five years."  
  
"No, the arrangement was to marry one of my daughters. So which will it be?" Soun wondered where Yellow Island was. If the Master had ever gone there he'd likely never have come back.  
  
Ranma considered something, then doused his father with cold water. "You're able to take more punishment as a minotaur, Pops."  
  
The minotaur turned to flee but was stopped by Ranma grabbing his tail. The minotaur's churning hooves began to seriously tear up the floor.  
  
Ranma held up a finger. "Let's see. There was the 'I need to gauge your skill level so I'm going to take you to this *cursed* training ground in China' crap. Remember *that* good idea, Oyaji? If you'd gotten me cursed the Beijing circus would have a stuffed minotaur on exhibit, you know? Then there was the Amazon village, remember that one? Oh yeah, 'let my son fight off the entire damn village because I couldn't keep my hands off the feast' or something along those lines wasn't it?"  
  
"Huh?" Akane sat up abruptly, then winced and wished she hadn't. "Hey! I'm not beaten yet! I... how did I get into the living room?"  
  
"Mister Tendo, did you know that my *Mom* is the 'head of clan' for my family? Carries the sword and everything. If she doesn't give her approval, it doesn't happen. She's *already* engaged me." Ranma explained this while casually keeping the minotaur in place.  
  
"WHAT?! GENMA! IS THIS TRUE?" Soun glared at his old friend.   
  
"Excuse me, but he's had this coming for awhile." Ranma let the minotaur go momentarily, then re-snagged him in the back yard. With a quick flick of his arm, he launched the minotaur into the air.  
  
"Hey, you, our fight isn't over yet!" Akane didn't want to admit defeat until this guy moved at least. The last time he'd just stood there as far as she could tell.  
  
"Ka ME!" Ranma brought his hands back and cupped them, looking at the distant speck in the sky. "Ha ME!" A bright glow formed and then filled the space between his hands.  
  
"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Akane started forward then realized what she was looking at. "Oh."  
  
"HA!" Ranma wasn't bothering with a powered up version of the kamehameha. The basic was enough. Turning, he addressed the Tendo patriarch, beginning to hover in the air preparatory to flying off. "Just letting you know. Three strikes. He's out. It'll probably take him a day or two to get back."  
  
Soun considered. "So, uhm, which daughter did you..."  
  
"Oh he wants..." Kasumi blinked repeatedly. Three strikes and he was willing to blast his father somewhere out into the Sea Of Japan. What would be left of her house if Ranma was engaged to Akane with *her* temper? (Sudden image of her sweeping out a bomb crater.) "Nabiki! Definitely Nabiki." Nabiki needed someone to rein her in, so this was a perfect arrangement.  
  
Nabiki looked at the boy hovering in midair. She tried manipulating or pushing this boy around and he'd push *back!* And she didn't like hospitals. Admittedly Akane had attacked *him* and he hadn't done much, but could she keep control of a situation with a guy who could fly and throw energy bolts?! "Akane! He definitely wants Akane!" Akane was the toughest physically out of all of them. If any of them could survive the courtship, it would be Akane! Besides, Akane needed someone she could beat on who wouldn't get injured.  
  
Akane blinked repeatedly. A martial artist who could throw energy bolts and fly? Then her earlier estimate had been correct? The throbbing headache was caused by someone so good he could *casually* defeat her? He'd HIT her? No way would *she* end up with someone like that! Nobody could hurt Kasumi though! She was too sweet and gentle for anyone to harm. "Kasumi! He wants Kasumi!"  
  
Soun blinked, thinking back to an earlier statement. Maybe if they got a chance to know each other? And if Ranma's mother got to know the girls, then surely they'd win her heart. "Why not go with that Yellow Island thing?"  
  
Kasumi blinked in the middle of pushing Nabiki forward. Nabiki stopped trying to push Akane forward. Akane stopped trying to push Kasumi forward. "WHAT?!"  
  
--------  
  
Kasumi looked sadly back at her house. Nabiki sniffled at the thought of dismantling her network of spies, informants, and purchasing agents. Akane grumbled LOTS.  
  
"I can't believe we were sold off like that, there are laws you know!" Akane was not a happy camper by any stretch of the imagination.  
  
"At least we get out of it during school time," said Nabiki. "Though I've got to rebuild everything at Crossroads Senior."  
  
Kasumi turned and began trudging along, the picture of dejection.  
  
"Well, when I start training you, you'll be able to fly here during your off time."  
  
Kasumi came to a complete stop and stared up at Ranma, pictures of Peter Pan flitting through her head. "Fly?"  
  
"Yeah, you said something about taking us on as students, didn't you?" Nabiki considered what it would be like if *she* could fly. The business opportunities were high.  
  
"So you're our sensei?" Akane mused. That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.  
  
"Yeah, I didn't realize I'd be taking on so many students," said Ranma from where he hovered.  
  
"Many?" Nabiki asked.  
  
"NI HAO, AIREN!" A crowd of girls in Chinese clothes exclaimed in unison.  
  
"How am I gonna explain *this* to Mom?" Ranma asked the heavens.  
  
  
=================== 


	6. omake 12

"Look, being a better father than Genma Saotome is like being a better father than Gendo Ikari or a better mother than Doctor Ikagi." The guy in the baseball hat proclaimed.  
  
"Your point?" The cat looked up at the fellow.  
  
"What you want to do is a *worst* father than Genma, but in what way. Is Ranma being not as good in the martial arts enough, or is there some other criteria?" Hermes adjusted his hat. "How do we specify a standard?"  
  
"Do you want to see what you can do?" Toltiir eyed his old associate. Hermes wasn't exactly fatherhood material, but that might be his plan.  
  
"Actually, I've got a 'pinch hitter' to play the part in this," said Hermes. "Much as Raideen did."  
  
"Why do I have a feeling that you're going to pull someone completely bizarre out of your hat?"  
  
"Because, after the past few centuries, you've gotten to know me a little, I'd say."  
  
------  
  
Worse Father Than Genma?  
a continuing set of omake, by Gregg Sharp/Metroanime  
  
-------  
  
"You've never met him?!" Three girls being at least moderately upset to find out that all their hopes and dreams and plans to this point had been actively discarded and stomped upon by their father without any prior warning.   
  
"He should be here at any moment," Soun replied, completely misreading the moment.  
  
Nabiki wasn't that upset with the concept. She could eventually become wealthy as long as this guy wasn't *too* traditionally minded. The Japanese wife took total control of the finances after all. Besides, she was getting a little desperate on a personal front. While the cold Ice Queen image was fine for being a wannabe-Yakuza, it tended to cut down on the number of cute guys one could meet. Those who weren't intimidated either wanted access to her money or were after access to Akane. So an engagement to a potentially cute guy wasn't the end of life as she knew it, more an opportunity that had to be evaluated.  
  
Kasumi masked her disappointment and creeping sense of horror as best she could. As the eldest, the burden of honor fell on her. "Life is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain." She might have to marry someone completely unacceptable. Why hadn't her father given them more warning though?  
  
Akane growled under her breath. Boys=perverts=targets. There had to be some way out of this!  
  
"Mmmmfff! Mmmmfff!"  
  
"That must be Ranma!" Nabiki declared, everyone in the neighborhood tending to avoid the Tendo home as if it were a nest of vampires.  
  
Nabiki got to the front door and was immediately surprised by the sight. There was a panda, beating on this pile of ropes and chains and padlocks with a four-by-four. "What?!"  
  
[I think he's unconscious.] The panda held a sign up briefly, then flipped it around so that a different sign was showing. [Let's get the ceremony over with *now* before he comes to.]  
  
-----------  
  
The three daughters fidgeted and stared. The panda had turned into a portly figure with piggy little eyes who had turned out to be their father's old friend. Said old friend would turn around and pound repeatedly on the odd bundle whenever it began moving.  
  
"Isn't the priest here yet?" Genma asked despite the obvious lack of priests.  
  
"So where's your son, Saotome?" Soun asked.  
  
Genma thwacked the bundle a few more times. "Right here."  
  
Three girls looked at the bundle and figured out that it was just the right size for a human body.  
  
"He's dead?!" Akane was relieved. A dead boy wasn't a problem.  
  
"Mmmff!"  
  
Genma repeatedly thwacked the bundle until it stopped moving again. "No. Wouldn't be much point in marrying the boy off if he was dead. Oh, Tendo, it's so horrible!"  
  
"You turn into a panda, so is this related? Does your son turn into some horrible monster?" Nabiki was really considering how far did she want to get away from this.  
  
"No, actually when I tested his martial arts abilities and received my own curse, he managed to avoid falling in any of the pools," replied Genma. "If I didn't take precautions like this, he'd have escaped and I'd never be able to get him back here."  
  
"Ah, very clever of you, Saotome." Soun nodded. "Reminds me of some of the old Master's training techniques."  
  
"Oh dear," said Kasumi, wondering how the boy could breathe like that.  
  
"Oh," said Akane, disappointed. It sounded like her father was still set on this thing.  
  
"So what's the story on this, why is all this necessary to keep Ranma from bolting?" Nabiki thought the level of chains and ropes were a bit excessive.  
  
"It all started when Ranma was five, I had just broken up an incipient childhood friendship that might have caused problems to the Tendo marriage later." Genma wept at the thought. "When I sold Ranma to this priest in order to get enough money to rent a lot, then I would be able to train Ranma in an unbeatable technique known as the Catfist!"  
  
"A priest?" Nabiki looked at the pile of chains and ropes. "What kind of priest?"  
  
"You wouldn't have liked him," said a new voice.  
  
Genma flinched and then reached out to part a loop of rope and chain to reveal - the bundle was empty now. "Uh oh."  
  
"Anyway, these are my daughters: Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi. Which one should marry Ranma?" Soun asked Genma as apparently Ranma was being unreasonable.  
  
"I was kind of tied up, but I think now that I've got the time - might I say what I think of this arranged marriage idea?" A tall looking boy seemed to materialize out of the shadows.  
  
"He'll marry her," Genma said, picking one at random.  
  
"Oh, by the way, I'd just like to say one thing," said Ranma in a sweet voice.  
  
"WHY ME?!" Akane yelled. "Why should I have to marry some idiot BOY! They're all perverts!"  
  
Genma had leapt at his son, ready to subdue him immediately.  
  
Ranma smirked evilly. "DRILL BRAND!"  
  
Explosions seemed to fill the Tendo home.  
  
Looking around him with a satisfied air, Ranma dusted his hands and walked away from the smouldering crater that was once a house and dojo.   
  
His fiancee threw rubble off of her in order to rise up. "Hold it you! You're not getting away with this!"  
  
"FREEZE ARROW!"  
  
Akane blinked from where she was imbedded in a pillar of ice.  
  
Genma began trying to sneak up on the boy. He wasn't ready to let his retirement go just yet.  
  
"FIREBALL!" Ranma said without even looking. "Not gonna catch me twice with that. Takin' Ranma Saotome prisoner ain't exactly a smart move."  
  
Ranma vanished down the street, whistling a little tune as he walked.   
  
After a few more minutes the rubble shifted and Nabiki and Kasumi climbed out of the crater.  
  
"I'd say he was even less happy about this situation than we were," suggested Nabiki, wondering if anything survived from her wardrobe.  
  
"..." Kasumi looked towards where her kitchen used to stand.  
  
Nabiki let out a deep breath. "Come on, Kasumi. I think I can find us a place to stay while the house is being rebuilt."  
  
"Well, I *did* want to get out of the house more," Kasumi said in reply. "I just didn't have quite this resolution in mind."  
  
"SA-O-TO-ME!" Soun pulled himself out of the wreckage.  
  
"Let's go get a drink, Tendo, this has been a really rough day." The smouldering and blackened Genma wondered why this sort of thing happened to him. He was the most reasonable person he knew, he didn't deserve this.  
  
"Then we can plan on how to get that ungrateful son of yours back," agreed Soun.  
  
Akane blinked repeatedly as she realized that she had been left alone and it was getting darn cold in here.  
  
----------  
  
The cat blinked. "Hold the phone, Jackson."  
  
"That's Hermes. Call me Mercury and everyone will start looking for that pathetic little blueberry."   
  
"Ranma's a 'Slayers' type mage, fairly high level? That's been done before. Not very often with a nasty sense of humor either. Who'd you get for the daddy?" Toltiir looked around. "HIM?!"  
  
"What if Xellos had raised Ranma," said Hermes. "Terrible Tragic Story. At least for anyone who crosses him."  
  
=================== 


	7. omake from beneath the sink

Heroic Ranma  
  
Chapter One: Stray Bat Strut  
  
DISCLAIMER: The DC Universe is by (big surprise) DC Comics. Ranma 1/2 by Rumiko Takahashi. This was an attempt at trying to work out some of the ideas i had for "Spring Of Drowned Hero" but distance myself more from what it turned out was being done by DB Sommers in "Avenging".  
  
---------  
  
The three girls stared in shock at their father. They knew him very well. Soun Tendo was not a terribly clever individual, and he had no emotional stability to speak of. He would go off into his "stoic samurai" impression, only to go to his Demon Head rage or cry enough that Kasumi would have to replace the flooring without any warning to speak of.  
  
This particular set of staring was because, as the gentle reader no doubt already knows, said father had just dumped on the three girls a bombshell.  
  
"Married?" Kasumi asked.   
  
"You've never met him?" Nabiki inquired.  
  
"Are you nuts?!" Akane questioned.  
  
"It's easily fixed," said Soun, holding up a videotape.  
  
Three sets of blinks. "What?!"  
  
Soun led his three daughters to the television and put the tape in an obviously new (still blinking 12:00) VCR. "I heard about this and was able to get the tape."  
  
The three young women turned their attention to the television, now showing a scene at some sort of martial arts tournament.  
  
Announcer: "this film was taken by a spectator at the Gotham Interschool Women's Karate Tournament so we apologize for the poor quality of the recording."  
  
The three young women looked at the two gaijin getting ready to fight. Then the camera swung crazily and a figure that two of the daughters recognized appeared, surrounded by gun-toting thugs.  
  
"KILLER CROC?!" Nabiki and Akane exclaimed.  
  
"Oh my!" Kasumi didn't want to be left out. "Is that our fiance? He's very..."  
  
"No," said Soun, grinning as if he'd just won the lottery. "Watch."  
  
One of the seconds hanging to the side of the arena suddenly moved and started taking out the gunmen, a moment later and the girl who'd been on his side had leapt the ropes and joined him.  
  
Announcer: "As you can see young Ranma Wayne shows off his skill in martial arts quickly disarming the gunmen with the assistance of his protege Tifa Jones."  
  
Nabiki blinked. "Wow. He hits hard enough to hurt Killer Croc?"  
  
"I could do that," said Akane, not sounding as confident as she wanted.  
  
Announcer: "You might remember from a story a few years ago that Ranma Wayne was adopted by Bruce Wayne over ten years ago and was originally named Ranma Saotome. He plans on studying in his land of origin during his high school year, though he states that America is his home now. We now go to..."  
  
Soun paused the picture, which was now showing the tall and broadshouldered muscular youth flattening someone taller and more muscular than himself and also having thick scales.   
  
"I could do that," repeated Akane sounding less convinced.   
  
Nabiki feasted her eyes on taut muscles, blue eyes, broad shoulders. Then something registered. "Ranma *Wayne*?! Adopted by BRUCE WAYNE?!"  
  
"Nabiki, you shouldn't shake father like that," chided Kasumi.  
  
Nabiki's eyes were wild. "WAYNE ENTERPRISES?!" Nabiki was waiting for it. Buff, muscular, studly, well traveled, and likely to inherit at least a tiny part of Wayne Enterprises. Where was the bad side of being engaged to this guy?  
  
Soun tried to look beneficient and wise. He didn't quite pull it off. "Yes, I thought since it is a matter of honor and it involves the dojo, Akane should be the one engaged but URK!"  
  
"Nabiki, you shouldn't choke father like that," chided Kasumi.  
  
--------  
  
Ranma sat back in his chair and tried to catch a nap. Oh sure, he *could* have gotten a ride from one of the others. Though he was tired of being a minor tagalong character. When he'd first become Robin it had been pretty cool, but being the junior partner had gotten cold.  
  
Oh the fights were good, the usual goon or thug had some good strength and minor combat training. Occasionally they were really strong or good, and fighting metahumans had been great for learning new martial arts and coming up with new techniques. Getting his *own* metahuman abilities in that one fight had been major cool, but he hadn't a lot of time to experiment with them. It also wasn't enough to put him to where he was anywhere near able to spar with Superman. Darn it.  
  
Which was at least part of why he was going to Japan. He was Ranma Wayne, *not* the kid whose father had sold him to a visiting gaijin to cover a hospital bill. He had learned more of the Art since becoming Ranma Wayne, and he'd fought alongside the superheroes of the previous generation. He wasn't going to reclaim Ranma Saotome, he was going to reinvent Ranma Wayne.  
  
Dick had become Nightwing. Jason had died. Ranma had been the third Robin.  
  
As such he'd gone off with other heroes for a few months here and there, trying to learn as wide a range of skills as he could. Even with the Batcycle or Batjet he'd had trouble keeping up with Superman, Superboy, or the Manhunter. He thought Green Arrow was a pompous ass who relied on a single trick way too much. Wonder Woman was sometimes difficult to work with as well.   
  
Wonder Woman's *daughter* on the other hand, was a different kettle of fish. They were in much the same place, even if they were coming at it from different angles. She was one of the strongest metas attempting to live a normal life, and he was from a normal life trying to reach a place in the strongest. They'd fit in well together and she'd become probably his closest friend among the League and other heroes.  
  
He might've considered dating her, but Superman had an *entirely* different attitude about sons-in-law than he did about junior fighting companions, and, well, Ranma didn't want to disappoint him.  
  
Fear couldn't have had anything to do with it. Nothing at all.  
  
"Enjoying the trip?"  
  
Ranma blinked as he realized the seat on the Wayne Enterprises plane next to him was suddenly occupied. "Kent?!"  
  
Kent Nelson steepled his hands in front of him. "You require some additional training in your new abilities."  
  
--------  
  
Ami stretched as she sat at her desk. Math was good. Of course, with a full moon tonight and no monsters since the entire Doom Tree thing had ground to a close, Ami was feeling a little restless.  
  
*Breeep!*  
  
Hearing her Mercury Computer trill out an alert brought her fully awake from a near drowse. Flipping it open she expected to see a youma alert. That wasn't quite what she got.  
  
"Sailor Mercury, I presume?"  
  
Ami eeeped. When she could recover she recognized the face looking out at her. "Uhm, Batman? How?"  
  
"I was on monitor duty at the JLA satellite," said Batman in fluent Japanese. "When Green Lantern came to relieve me I suggested we combine efforts and contact you?"  
  
"Me?!" Ami tried to think of way out of admitting that she *was* Sailor Mercury. "Uhm. Well, if you have a message for Sailor Mercury I can try to get it to her, heh heh."  
  
"Riiight," said the Batman, a faint hint of a trace of a smile almost appearing on his face. "Robin III is going to be operating over there for at least a year, and it would be nice if the usual misunderstandings with the people on the same side didn't occur."  
  
"I see," said Ami, seeing the point. The most recent Robin was around her age, wasn't he? The one who had worn the odd red chested costume with the Chinese pants, yet another variant of the earlier Robin costume.  
  
"Of course, he's going to try to come up with a different identity. Much as Nightwing did before him."  
  
"So how will I know it's him?" Ami paused. "I mean, how will Sailor Mercury know that he's Robin?"  
  
"Password is 'Knight Takes Rook', he'll know I have been in contact with Sailor Mercury if he hears that." Batman's eyes narrowed. The superheroes seemed to get younger and younger nowadays. Ah well, times were changing.  
  
Ami nodded, then sagged as the connection went dead. Her heart was still racing. Batman? The Justice League? Heroes that had been operating for the best part of the century: the All Stars, the Justice Society, now the Justice League.  
  
Ami smiled as she considered the possibility that the next time they faced a world-destroying evil, they could call in the Marines. Figuratively, of course.  
  
---------  
  
Ukyo had finished her research and gone back to her grill and cried. The anger had just drained out of her leaving sorrow.  
  
Ten years of her life down the drain.  
  
The stories had been quite clear when she finally found them, a cross reference at the library had pulled up the story of one "Ranma Wayne/Saotome".   
  
Of how a little boy had been thrown repeatedly into a pit of cats. Of how the boy had been rescued but been reduced to a nearly mindless animalistic state. Of years of treatment for mental problems before he was able to face society again. Of a nearly total mental blackout of his youth prior to being adopted by Bruce Wayne.  
  
The person now calling himself Ranma Wayne wouldn't remember her at all. He'd died when his father had thrown him into that pit. The tall and debonair Wayne didn't seem to have much in common with the Ranchan who had befriended and abandoned her...  
  
Ukyo sniffled, her head coming up as several ideas suddenly gelled in her head.  
  
First, Ranma might not be able to remember the betrayal, but *Genma* would.  
  
Second, if Ranma Wayne came to Japan, then she could renew her ties with him. The Ranma that betrayed her was gone. Maybe the Ranma that she had fallen in love with could be resurrected?  
  
--------  
  
Genma snuck out of the house. Stupid woman. It had been almost ten years ago, why resurrect such painful (for him anyway) memories? The news merely indicated that at last he would be able to reclaim his wayward son and begin retraining him in the Anything Goes style. Then he'd marry the boy off to one of Soun's daughters and be set for life!  
  
It wasn't like some prissy little spoiled rich boy could stand up to him. Also Genma would have access to that Wayne Enterprises money.   
  
Nodoka was not only holding the regrettable loss of her son earlier against him, but his inability to produce any further heirs. It wasn't his fault! No, it was Wayne-san for taking Ranma away after Genma had sold Ranma to him! It was that damn priest who had found him while Genma was just stealing a few yen to cover expenses who had hit some sort of shiatsu impotence point.   
  
Nodoka didn't understand him. She also didn't understand that some little slip of paper (restraining order) would not keep Genma from reuniting the family! Once Ranma was married to one of Soun's daughters, the two of them (Soun and Genma) would be set for life and all their suffering to get to this point would be rewarded!  
  
It was obvious really. Genma was right, as usual. It was just that others stubbornly refused to acknowledge it. That's all.  
  
------  
  
Sailor Pluto checked the timestream, found the changes about to go out of control and said something very unpleasant.  
  
Then she looked again in more detail.  
  
In *that* timestream there, Chibiusa was not stuck as a child. Chibiusa was instead Usagi II, but a more poised and self-confident Princess.  
  
There, that was the usually morose Sailor Venus wallowing in periodic self-pity over her lack of ability to develop a relationship with *anyone* cute guy or not. Except that there she had a pleased smile and a... bulging tummy?!  
  
There was the Dark Moon kingdom, except that instead of trying to conquer Crystal Tokyo this was a peaceful delegation?!  
  
Sailor Pluto looked over the timestream and noted that there were several ways to get there from here. All centered around this boy and him entering a relationship with one of the Scouts.  
  
More study turned up the pattern. If Ranma Wayne married one of the Inner Scouts (or some girl with violet eyes she didn't immediately recognize though she was fast forwarding through a lot of scenes) then Crystal Tokyo would come about slowly and only by accepting new nation-states into a sort of hegemony. The result was a less static but healthier world. No great freeze.  
  
If Ranma Wayne married anyone else (though there were a few cases where he married an Inner *and* someone else that ended up in the new possibility) then it either ended up with the old Crystal Tokyo or it ended up with no Crystal Tokyo at all. Then there was the one where he was engaged to *that* girl and humanity died because that girl was offered power, took it, and became a soulless monster that her fiance defended anyway.  
  
Sailor Pluto, Senshi of Time, stood back and wondered. She had been geased to protect Crystal Tokyo. No matter how much she disliked doing certain things, she'd end up doing them if it would strengthen the chances for Crystal Tokyo.  
  
Should she go for Crystal Tokyo or this new version? Traditional or one which would make more people happy? Original recipe or honey BBQ?  
  
Setsuna Meiou frowned slightly. She ought to get some food while thinking this over.  
  
-------  
  
With Kent Nelson returned to his tower, Ranma could get some quiet.  
  
He wanted to try out these new tricks, but wouldn't be able to until at last the plane set down. A small plane wasn't the right place for this sort of thing.  
  
That and he still hadn't decided on a new name. Nightwing was already taken. He kinda liked the Bat motif, but that would just be following Batman's legacy and he wanted to step out on his own. Maybe if Bruce completely retired he could be the *new* Batman.  
  
Of course, Wonder Woman's purple ray device meant that the JLA members who used it could live a lot longer than might otherwise be guessed. Still, Batman *was* getting on there in years.  
  
The problem was that neither the dark and brooding of Batman or (to a lesser extent) Nightwing really was Ranma's thing. The attitude wasn't his, despite the three having nasty origins. Bruce and Dick had both lost their parents due to a murderer. Ranma had merely been abandoned by his mother and tortured before being sold off by his father. Maybe that was why he didn't have this dark flame of vengeance burning within his heart.  
  
On the other hand he didn't have the same attitude or tendencies of *any* of the JLA members he'd occasionally worked or just crossed paths with. The Creeper was, well, creepy. Sort of a good guy Joker who didn't seem quite all there. Green Lantern was a cop. Doctor Fate and the Phantom Stranger were kind of weird, Ranma had been known to dabble in weird himself but those two had taken the plunge into full blown strangeness. Wonder Woman came across as patronizing and still had a little of that "mere male human" attitude towards him. Green Arrow- no thank you. Black Canary was OK, but she had her own share of "prove she's just as tough as any of the guys" thing that tended to make her abrasive. Of course with GA and BC, this was also mixed in with a bit of the "I'm too damn old for this." Both GA and BC had been active in the 60s.  
  
Martian Manhunter was OK, but sometimes let that alienness of his go loose and you were wondering exactly how serious he was about some of the stuff he'd do. He never quite got the concept of American humor. Plastic Man was drooping a bit, but he *was* over seventy years old now. Nobody there whose portfolio Ranma wanted to take over if it came down to it, even if he wanted to be some second generation version.  
  
As for the Titans, they were all out to follow in the footsteps of the JLA. Ranma wasn't sure he wanted to even that.  
  
If it came to *anyone* he'd go after for being a Hero II or III, he'd have chosen one of the JSA members. He *was* pretty Terrific, if he did say so himself.  
  
The idea would be that he'd go to High School here in Japan to finish those years, meet up with some Japanese superheroes, compare notes and explore that part of his heritage. Then maybe hit an American business school. They'd decided that one of the best bets would be for Ranma to use his dual citizenship and manage some company in Japan. Take a break for a few years to establish a business in Japan with Wayne Enterprises helping out financially. The company would be a Wayne company, but he'd be the chairman and be able to prove or disprove whether he could do anything with it.  
  
Though he was having enough trouble trying to decide on a new heroic identity. Maybe something that utilized his meta-powers though those had been gotten accidently during that mess with the Dominators and he wasn't exactly practiced with them.  
  
Whatever he called himself, "the boy wonder" part *had* to go.  
  
--------  
  
Meanwhile, in Tokyo, an American supervillain had recently gotten a clue. A very rare occurrance to be sure.  
  
Show up in America, and superheroes would come crawling out of the woodwork to stop you. Go to New York, Metropolis, Gotham, Central City, or just about any major city and you faced some sort of costumed crimefighter. The problem with this was that they were all experienced, they had a tendency to win fights, and they were known to be able to get allies dropping in on them whenever you'd managed to put together a plan that exploited a single hero's weaknesses.  
  
Where else to go?  
  
Great Britain spoke English (a plus) but had all sorts of treaties. If their own heroes couldn't handle the situation, American heroes could jump in. Placing you in the same situation you'd been in prior to crossing over the Atlantic.  
  
Australia spoke English too, had no such agreement, but was generally perceived as poor pickings for any major supervillain. That didn't mean it was removed from consideration, merely lowered on the list.  
  
Japan had no such agreement either, though they spoke Japanese, had odd writing, and seemed to be particularly unfriendly as a people. Polite though. The superheroes that they *had* were all inexperienced young girls and a few male martial artist types. Oh, and Doctor Light though she had apparently retired.  
  
So this American supervillain had taken his idea to a few others similarly afflicted. Tokyo had connections. Tokyo was like New York or Metropolis in that there were a lot of people and a lot of money. Tokyo's main defenders were inexperienced in fighting supervillains and the like. Tokyo had organized crime from where they could recruit thugs and minions easily.  
  
Which brought the Mad Hatter (among others) to Japan. Superior Girl thought it had possibilities. There were a couple of others who'd gone along with the idea. Neither Poison Ivy or Harlequinn cared for Japan, much less working with the others, but *did* think the idea of working out of the country had possibilities.  
  
Knowing that Japan would be helpless before them, the first priority was to use a self-hypnosis device to teach themselves the language. Soon, very soon, they would be ready to strike.  
  
=============  
  
just a possibility for the "Spring Of Drowned Hero" replacement.  
  
What meta-human power does Ranma have? i *do* have two ideas on this that might work out, but if someone has a better idea than Chosen Of Bastet or Ki-Mage...  
  
*Will Ranma find himself allied with the Senshi or will Uranus and Neptune manage to alienate him?  
*Will Soun succeed in marrying Ranma off to Akane?  
*Will Nabiki re-invent herself in order to become a contender?  
*Will Kasumi break the odds?  
*What is Ranma's meta-human "enhancement"?  
*Will Genma and/or Nodoka succeed in kidnapping Ranma "for his own good"?  
*Will Ryoga show up without having ever had any bread stolen from him?  
*Will Shampoo be part of the group of husband-hunting Amazons?  
*What of Ukyo? Will she become Spatgirl or is that too much of a stretch to see her in a tight bodysuit?  
*Can an Americanized Ranma fit into modern Japan?  
*Will i ever write a second chapter?  
*Will i come up with a better title?  
  
oh well, just a thought. 


	8. a dark and stormy omake

A Far Worse Fate  
  
an omake  
  
DISCLAIMER: Rumiko Takahashi would really dislike the treatment her characters get in this. Which was simply an idea of "What If The Magical Prince Cliche Actually Were Competent And Magical?" Added to this was an idea by Regal on the Addventure.  
  
-----------  
  
Typical day at the Tendo Dojo.  
  
Well, one supposes that typical used in conjunction with Tendo Dojo is a little odd. Case in point would be an unusually balmy September day with high winds and the occasional raincloud that seemed to ignore the weatherman with a thoroughly un-Japanese attitude.  
  
The day had started with the usual ridiculously violent sparring between Ranma and his loving father, escalating a bit further and adding more participants than usual when the elder Saotome revealed that the extra wealth he had blown on getting stinking drunk with his good friend Soun Tendo had come from selling Ranma off once again.  
  
There was some momentary relief in the beating of the Saotome patriarch when he revealed that it was not as a potential husband that Ranma had been sold.  
  
This had, of course, not placated Ranma that much, but Soun had been instant in his forgiveness of Genma.   
  
Nabiki had idly ticked off all the other ways that Ranma could have been sold. "As a slave, as a lab rat, as a cadaver, as a bride, as a... oh my."  
  
Upon seeing Genma react to the term "bride" by waving around a sign that stated [Definitely not] everyone knew immediately what had occurred.  
  
"OYAJI!" "Saotome how could you?" "So how much did you get?" "Oh my, I wonder if I can find a wedding kimono your size, Ranma!" "RANNMAAAA! This is all your fault! Probably some guy who thought you were flirting with him, you pervert!" [I'm just a cute little panda.]  
  
"Looks like we got here in time for the floor show," said a droll voice with a Kansai accent.  
  
"Shampoo wonder if this is what Shampoo supposed to see."  
  
The scene of panda mauling slowly came to a halt to stare at the two girls in the veranda.  
  
"Oh my, Shampoo used the door this time," Kasumi exclaimed.  
  
Shampoo realized that she had used the door and looked slightly sheepish. "Not have time for that now. Shampoo get message to come here for message of importance. Written in Mandarin."  
  
"I got one too, one of you want to explain what we're supposed to be hearing?" Ukyo held up her own invitation.  
  
"Actually, *I* would," came a voice from nowhere. Slowly a shadow moved forward and seemed to regard all of those present with various degrees of amusement before settling on the panda. "Hello, Genma. Long time no see."  
  
Everyone looked at the figure. Mediterranean in complexion, lightly pointed goatee, silver earring in his right ear, expensive looking suit.   
  
"I've come to take possession of that matter we agreed on," said the gentleman in fluent Japanese that had an odd accent.  
  
[Well that was for my daughter, and as you can see...]  
  
The man held up his cane and a spurt of water from the ornate silver goat's head on the top splashed Ranma-kun.   
  
Ranma-chan blinked water out of her eyes and said that her father was "dead meat."   
  
"Now, I understand that some of you believe there is a prior claim to my bride," said the man in black. "So I will make it possible for one of you to win her back."  
  
"If you hadn't noticed, I'm really a guy," pointed out Ranma-chan.  
  
"That can be fixed rather easily," replied the man. "So, I have a simple challenge for you."  
  
"Shampoo know how this goes," Shampoo said, charging forward.  
  
"Not," said the man, his eyes flashing golden briefly.  
  
Shampoo fell over, paralyzed.  
  
"My deal is this, Ranma will take part in a little contest. Anyone else who wants to can also take part in it. If Ranma wins, I will not only release him from that engagement, he will be cured of his Jusenkyo curse." The man in black threw a map to the floor. "In three days time the contest begins. The winner gets the spoils. Do you want to free Ranma and marry him? Simply be the winner. Do you want to be freed of a Jusenkyo curse? Child's play. A few million yen? Even easier. Do you want to be the greatest martial artist in all Japan? A simple matter. I am the prince of a magical kingdom, with all its power at my beck and call. I can grant you boons you can barely imagine."  
  
"What's the cost of all this?" Nabiki was quick to put in before her father could sign them all up.  
  
"There will be other contestants, but there will be only one winner," said the prince. "Those who fail to win will be female and my property forever more."  
  
"That's NUTS!" Ranma exclaimed.  
  
"You're chickening out?" The man smiled in a confident, arrogant, manner precisely calculated to be the most annoying.  
  
The result was never really in doubt.  
  
Even if Ranma had decided not to participate, his father was of the opinion that no challenge could be ignored for the sake of the Saotome Anything Goes school.  
  
"Of course not! Ranma will accept any challenge! The honor of the Saotome School depends on it," said Genma nodding and doing his best attempt at looking noble.  
  
"The same goes for the Tendo school," seconded Soun, figuring that winning they could stipulate *all* their freedom as one of the conditions.  
  
Ranma had a *really* bad feeling about this, but the chance to get rid of his curse...  
  
-----------  
  
Ranma started off early, confident in his ability as the greatest martial artist ever to win this contest and be back - a complete guy! He knew that he wouldn't be able to get the map from that uncute tomboy of a fiancee he had. She had no confidence in him! And after all he'd done for her. Well, he'd show *her!*  
  
Confident that she had the only map, Nabiki started out with the goal of her own weight in gold as a start. Not that she intended to participate in some contest, just scouting out around the edges, then she could fleece the winner of whatever valuables had been won.  
  
Akane had given the only map to Nabiki for safekeeping, but had scribbled out a basic copy just in case. Upon discovering Ranma missing, she took off at a run to keep the baka from responding to yet another stupid challenge when it *might* well be *his* last.  
  
Shampoo followed Nabiki. Ukyo followed Akane. Each convinced that where their quarry went, Ranma would be. Then they could possibly convince their rivals to go rescue Ranma, and when they were claimed by that prince, they'd have Ranma to themselves!  
  
Tatewaki Kuno raced towards the location Nabiki had sold him. The pigtailed girl was now going bravely into the den of yet another foul sorcerer!  
  
Kodachi Kuno raced towards the location Nabiki had sold her. Ranma was going to rid himself of that vile redhaired harridan and she wanted to be there to congratulate him!  
  
Ryouga had heard Akane explain everything to P-chan while she hid a copy of the map. Naturally, P-chan had copied the map as best he could and upon changing back to Ryouga had rushed off to locate this contest and win it before Ranma could. Freedom from the pig at last! Unfortunately, instead of heading for Yokohama, he was currently in Akihabara.  
  
----------  
  
The Prince settled back in his comfy chair and raised a glass of brandy in toast. Smiling evilly, he considered all the players.  
  
Soun's decision as head of clan meant that if he so desired, the eldest daughter would end up participating in the game. The Prince so desired.  
  
He was a greedy bastard, and would readily admit it.  
  
The floating globe before him flicked from one image to another. Many would play, one would win. Of course, the only way not to lose was not to play - those with overweening pride or greed were doomed from the beginning.  
  
Yes, he loved this game.  
  
===========  
  
this threatened to go on entirely too long for me to be able to use as an omake. It might make an interesting semi-dark fic, either with Ranma escaping or the Prince getting some divine justice at the end, but it might be too difficult for me to write. 


	9. pangalactic omake: yet another what if s...

OMAKEOMAKEOMAKEOMAKE  
  
Yet Another Worse Father Than Genma series  
  
He was older than this planet. Older than the pitiably weak yellow Go-class sun that the planet orbitted. Older than this universe itself.  
  
While his ever-present hunger lingered, so did a different hunger. Curiosity. Even though the milling throngs around him were as ants before him, still they had stymied his hunger on several occasions.   
  
It was difficult to project a tiny fragment of himself into this world so as to observe it without his presence overwhelming the simple lifeforms. How did a species such as this embody so much of the best and the worst of the various sentients that he'd seen in his long journey?  
  
His attention was drawn to a father throwing his child into a pit of hungry cats. Power? He wanted the boy to have power and so was sacrificing his child? How pitiable.  
  
His hunger sent a gnawing at him. He had to leave and find sustenence. A scout was needed, someone to find that which was needed.  
  
Well then, if the boy needed power, then the choice of a Herald was clear.  
  
-----------  
  
What If Galactus Had Raised Ranma? an omake by Metroanime  
  
-----------  
  
Ten years had passed.  
  
Galactus had, with his herald, faced someone named Sailor Galaxia. Galaxia's attack had been ludicrous - at least if one were armed with the Power Cosmic. To use it against Ranma the Waverider had been ill-advised. To try using it against Galactus himself?  
  
Well, Galaxia had provided enough sustenence that Galactus had given Ranma some time off. Time to check out the old neighborhood.  
  
Waverider could track a neutrino through the heart of a galactic core, so finding the blue green world of his birth was easy.  
  
Walking the streets of Tokyo was a let down. After the crystalline hive-cities of the Mu, the gaudy glamour of the Shi'ar colonies, the dirty and labyrinthine mazes of the Skrulls, or even the high tech strictness of a Kree settlement, this was just plain pathetic. It failed to inspire, and was neither particularly good nor particularly bad.  
  
Had he come here in his official capacity as Herald, he would have deemed this world suitable for Galactus to slake his hunger. There was nothing here that struck him as special.  
  
Now to track down that excuse for a parental unit that had fed him to those cats long ago.  
  
-------  
  
*THWAM!* A heavyset man slammed into the dirt behind the Tendo home almost hard enough to break bones.  
  
Ranma lowered himself more sedately. "Well, old man? Give me one good reason I shouldn't strip the atoms off your body."  
  
"GENMA, MY OLD FRIEND!" Soun rushed out of the house to hug his old buddy. "And who is this, is this Ranma?"  
  
Seeing some strange old guy about to leap forward and molest him, Ranma lifted a hand and let the Power Cosmic crackle around it. "Don't even think about it, you hentai."  
  
Soun backed up a little nervously. "Genma? You didn't mention that your son could float in midair or do *that* when you called."  
  
"Well, this is unexpected," said Nabiki as she stepped out onto the veranda with her two sisters. "I take it that Ranma is like one of those American supreheroes we hear about in the news."  
  
"Hmmmph, I could take him on," said Akane, trying to convince herself.  
  
"Well, son, you wanted me to give you one reason you shouldn't kill me, heh heh." Genma briefly wondered if perhaps this wasn't his wisest move. "You see, Soun here has something he wants to tell you."  
  
"These are my daughters Kasumi, she's 19, Nabiki, she's 17, Akane, she's 16. Pick anyone you like, she'll be your new fiancee."  
  
There was brief dead silence from everyone. Finally Ranma spoke. "You're shitting me."  
  
"Uhm, son, you really shouldn't use language like that. You *must* marry one of my daughters. Well, which one is it going to be?" Soun blinked, was Ranma *glowing*?!  
  
"I am Ranma, the Waverider, Herald Of Galactus. How DARE you demand things of me!" Ranma was not at all happy about this. Galactus could tell him what to do, of course. These *worms* dared to order him about?!  
  
"Galactus?" squeaked Nabiki, who immediately vanished and hid underneath her bed. Not that she would have thought this an effective tactic, but then she wasn't thinking logically at this point anyway.  
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi. "Galactus, the Devourer Of Worlds, the Terminator Of Civilizations. Oh dear." At which point Kasumi fainted as the implications of this hit her.  
  
Akane stepped forward and made a fist. "You're not eating any planets while *I'm* around! I challenge you!"  
  
Ranma idly pointed a finger and used a tiny amount of the Power Cosmic to flatten the girl. He was used to fighting mile long Kree dreadnaughts or planetary guardians or elite strike troops like the Shi'ar Imperial Guard. An angry teenage girl without special powers was hardly something he could take seriously.  
  
That the girl got back up and threw a concrete lantern at him caused Ranma some slight pause.  
  
"How dare you hurt my little girl?!" Soun Tendo began his Demon Head Attack.  
  
Ranma blew it and most of the home away with a negligent wave of his hand. "Hmmm. You know, in some cultures they have an interesting concept called a 'pet'. The sentients on those worlds keep a lower lifeform which then is someone they can care for and which then provides some degree of companionship."  
  
"You want a pet?" Genma asked as he watched the younger Tendo girl throw various objects at the hovering Ranma without any apparent effect.  
  
Ranma nodded his head, beginning to smile. "Yes. A pet. That will do."  
  
Akane realized that everyone was looking at her. "Uh UH. No way! I'm not going to marry some supervillain!"  
  
"Of course not," said Ranma, as if speaking to a child. "I wouldn't want to marry some lower lifeform anyway."  
  
Akane twitched as the glow around the Herald of Galactus intensified. "What?!" She had a very bad feeling about this.  
  
--------  
  
Galactus sighed as he saw what his Herald had brought in. "Ranma. How many pets are you going to accumulate anyway?"  
  
"Just a few," said Ranma. "I ran across this concept of an 'ant farm' and I thought it had some merit for when I'm 'off duty'."  
  
"Fine, but make sure that you take care of them when you're *off* duty. You are the Herald of Galactus and not a zoo keeper," said Galactus, privately a little amused at the antics of his Herald.  
  
-------  
  
"Oh my."  
  
"You got that right, sugar."  
  
"Shampoo want strong husband but this is ridiculous."  
  
"Let me OUT! I don't belong here!"  
  
"Shut UP, Akane. Little sister, do you think any of us particularly like this situation?"  
  
"But Nabiki..."  
  
"The twelve foot hamster wheel is kind of concerning."  
  
"That isn't the only thing 'concerning' about this setup, Kino-san."  
  
"Maybe you *shouldn't* have said 'the rest of the Sailor Senshi will defeat you', Mako-chan. I think he took that as a challenge."  
  
Kasumi sighed as she looked out from their self contained environmental bubble. "Do you suppose we can get him to put in a kitchen at least?"  
  
==============  
  
Well, this should be different at least...  
  
gregg 


	10. nyan nyan no omake

OMAKEOMAKEOMAKEOMAKE  
  
From the "A Worse Father Than Genma" series. A truly disturbing thought.  
  
---------  
  
Genma Saotome knew he was on the right track. The training manual had said to wrap a child in fish sausages and throw them into a pit filled with starving cats to learn an unbeatable technique known as the Catfist.  
  
He'd starved the boy, he'd beaten the boy, he'd repeatedly sold the boy. No sacrifice was too great for Genma Saotome if it would make the boy a superior martial artist!  
  
Genma looked over his preparations.  
  
Since throwing the five year old boy into a pit of starving cats hadn't worked immediately, he'd been looking for something different. Then he'd found it, subdued the creatures (cat spirits or monsters of some kind), and thrown them into a pit. Now he would teach Ranma the Catfist for sure!  
  
--------  
  
They were known by different names through their wanderings.  
  
Some called them the Neko-kata after a similarly psychically gifted race that was out there in the multiverse somewhere. Some called them the Maujin after a race they superficially resembled. Some called them terms and phrases not meant for gentlebeings to overhear. They called themselves something that sounded like a trilling purr ending with a mew.  
  
They were a race of intelligent, magically and psychically powerful, catgirls.   
  
They had grown up on a world and in a universe far far away. They had been genetically engineered for grace and beauty and psychic potential. They possessed minor shapeshifting powers to better fit in with whatever race they interacted with. They reproduced by finding males of some similar species to bond emotionally and mate physically with, or by finding suitable hosts that could be brought into the species by the implanting of a "seed". They were also cosplayers and roleplayers who tended to take those things to extremes.  
  
When an "away team" had found themselves waylaid by some overweight martial artist, they had faked their capture because they were very curious as to what was going on.   
  
On finding a human male child thrown into their midst, they agreed that this *was* interesting, carefully took the fish sausages off the boy and debated what to do. The boy was scared and hurt and hungry, so they took these observations into account.  
  
There was also this 'Catfist' bit they were reading off of the adult mind and the child. Combine the powers of a cat and a human? Sounded fun!  
  
Deciding to call themselves the Nyanjin in this particular universe, the catgirls decided that they were a bit too old for bonding with this particular boy. This world looked like fun, so going around and melding a few native girls with their DNA/persona template would help things along.   
  
The boy, because he *was* a boy, wasn't suitable for being a catgirl. However, they *did* have a possibility they'd been toying with for a few centuries and trying to refine. Maybe this was the right time to implement it?  
  
They were cat-based beings, playing around was something they couldn't resist.  
  
--------  
  
WHAT IF RANMA WERE 'RAISED' BY THE NYANJIN?  
  
-------  
  
Genma smiled as the lid of the pit exploded. Waitaminute. Was the Catfist supposed to involve his son getting cat ears and a tail? He didn't think that was how it was supposed to go.  
  
The cat spirits were racing out of the pit too. They ignored him and went flying along in all directions, apparently looking for something.  
  
Genma had a *very* bad feeling develop.  
  
-------  
  
Six year old Ranma walked through the mists with some odd girls.  
  
They were his age apparently, or a little younger. They had tails and ears like a cat, they moved kinda like a cat. They were the Nyanjin and they were his harem. The whole idea was so totally bizarre that Ranma had difficulty wrapping his mind about it, so he just took harem to be a group of female friends you could play and train with.  
  
That this was actually called a pride that had accepted Ranma as the Alpha-Heir to their little group (as soon as he grew up) was not something Ranma could quite grasp either.  
  
They had just visited a world that had these strange manga and each of them had immediately settled into a role. Including costumes, somehow changing their hair color, and a few other things.  
  
"Here we go, Ranma-sama," said Blue32, a catgirl with bluish hair who was trying to get used to her new name - Ami.   
  
Ranma looked around but couldn't see anything that made this patch of mist different from any other. It was a Nyanjin thing apparently. "Whatta ya mean 'Here we go'?"  
  
"This universe has some of the most intense and powerful martial arts training available," said Ami. "Ruled by an evil empire that forbids weapons to all but the highest castes, it still has monster attacks on the outlying villages. In order to fight off these ravagers, a powerful style of martial arts was developed - the Hyaku No Gyakusatsu Ken."  
  
"Hundred Slaughtering Fist?" Ranma blinked. "That sounds kind of silly."  
  
"Well," said Yellow15, who was forever after known as Minako. "If you don't want to study martial arts, we *could* go play over there!"   
  
Ranma frowned. "So who says I didn't want to learn martial arts? As long as it's not like stupid Pops with his tie me up and throw me in a pit stuff."  
  
---------  
  
The seven year old stretched and popped his knuckles. "Okay, so this other system is called what?"  
  
"They call it the Hokuto Shin Ken or 'Northstar godfist'," said Ami, absently looking over her booklet 'Martial Arts Of The Multiverse vol IV' booklet. "There's also a sister style called 'Nanto Sei Ken' or 'Southern Cross Spirit Fist'." (1)  
  
"Pretentious, ain't they," said Ranma with a smile.  
  
"The problem is that they're closed schools, so what I'd have to do is telelink you," said Usagi. "That way you'll learn the moves as soon as he uses them. Then you'll just have to train yourself in them from those memories. The hard part is veiling our presence."  
  
"That's what ya did in that last world, ain't it?" Ranma smirked. "So what are we waitin' for?"  
  
---------  
  
"Thank you for your instruction, Kenshin-sensei," said nine year old Ranma.(2)  
  
"Arigato, Yoda-sama," said twelve year old Ranma with a bow. "Your instruction has been most helpful."(3)  
  
"Sir Clef, it has been nice working with you." Ranma waved over his head before the thirteen year old vanished into a paradimensional rift.(4)  
  
"Bye bye, Gohan-san, Kurillyn-san, Shinkami-sensei," the fifteen year old called out before disappearing amidst a set of curtsying catgirls.(5)  
  
----------  
  
The sixteen year old bowed formally to his teachers for the past year. He'd have to go back and visit some of 'em later on. It was certainly different from what had happened with his father, in those cases he'd never be welcomed back there.  
  
"So, we need to take a breather, eh? Well, some of the moves I've still got up here," Ranma tapped his head, "but I still have to master physically."  
  
Ami nodded. "Besides, you're sixteen now. In your homeplane that's old enough to marry us."  
  
Immediately Ranma found himself in a group cuddle. "HEY! Give me some room, will ya? I've still got to back and find out if there's anything to what the Away Team found out about 'previous arrangements'."  
  
Ami shrugged. Gaining another co-wife or two or three was hardly a big deal to her or any of the Nyanjin. There were ways of handling it, after all.  
  
---------  
  
Nodoka Saotome was many things. On getting a letter from someone claiming to be her son, Ranma, who had been out of the country learning martial arts with some friends, she simply went over and bashed her husband over the head.  
  
It had been a suggestion in a postscript from a previous letter. The suggestion had been that it would make her feel better. So far, it *had* been nice.  
  
One letter had been received every year since Ranma had vanished. There was no postmark, no stamps, and in most cases no envelope. The letter simply mysteriously appeared in her stack of mail. And the photographs, dear sweet kami, the photographs!  
  
Quaint looking rural villages, a forest of thick trees that she couldn't name, what looked like a themepark of some Disarmament era recreation, a swamp, some castle courtyard, some odd field with trees that had the most peculiar shade of blue leaves, and lastly some great ampitheatre.  
  
Nodoka quietly handed the new letter off to her husband, then went back to read the other letters where they were safely stored. Ah, her son was *so* manly. Just look at all the cute girls who managed to sneak into each and every one of the photos! And sometimes the little scribbled notes in some different handwriting would mention how *she* was going to be the one to marry Ranma.   
  
No, Nodoka Saotome was not one to harbor any doubts about the young man with the taut musculature who was being pursued by so many young girls. Even if most of them had strange catlike ears and a tail. To have so many feminine pets was surely manly, and that picture of him wielding a sword... so like an epic samurai.   
  
Genma grumbled and rubbed his head as he read the letter. So his wimp crybaby of a son was coming home? Well, he'd show the boy what all his slacking had done, then he'd drag him off to the Tendo home! Misery is a dish that was best shared, as the Master had repeatedly taught them.  
  
There was a knock on the door and (oddly enough) some meowing and talking.  
  
--------  
  
Soun grinned at his three girls. Genma's phone call had given him a hope he hadn't possessed in years. "He'll be here any moment."  
  
A long whistling noise terminated with a *THUD!*  
  
A large heavyset man with a smouldering gi landed in the Tendo backyard.  
  
"Wow, talk about good timing," said Nabiki, nibbling on the end of a rice cracker.  
  
"Saotome?" Soun ran out to inspect the unconscious man. "Saotome! It *is* you! Oh, Kasumi, can you get the first aid kit?"  
  
--------  
  
"So let me get this straight," said Nabiki, looking over the crew. Ranma was pretty easy on the eyes, but the crowd waiting outside was just plain scary. "You're Ranma Saotome and you just learned about this engagement thing, right?"  
  
Ranma nodded.  
  
"These are *real* catgirls who have all decided they're going to marry you," Nabiki said, with a gesture at the crowd in the backyard. "Though you've got some reservations about that yourself, you're also friends with all of them and aren't sure you want to make it a group marriage thing."  
  
Ranma nodded again. Several catgirls frowned even though they knew him on this issue.  
  
"You can't marry them, son. The Saotome-Tendo arrangement takes precedence. So which of my lovely daughters will you take?" Soun gestured towards where Akane was laid out on the floor, having tried to start a fight with Ranma immediately after he'd "defended himself" from Soun trying to hug him. Soun had merely been tossed through a window. Akane attacking from behind had gotten a seven hit combo and was currently unconscious. "That's Akane, she's sixteen."  
  
"I'm Nabiki, I'm seventeen. My big sister currently putting a cold compress on Akane's head is named Kasumi and she's nineteen. I'm the financial whiz, Kasumi's the housekeeper, and Akane's the fighter." Nabiki decided she was tired of this already. This boy was cute, but had enough willing girls behind him that Nabiki didn't think her own chances were likely.  
  
"Well, Nabiki-san," said Ranma, "I'm not sure about this situation."  
  
"I can see that," agreed Nabiki. "You're not rich are you?"  
  
"How wealthy is rich?" Ami asked from the door. "We've been managing his resources for him."  
  
"How much have to got?" Nabiki replied back.  
  
"Nabiki, that's not very polite," pointed out Kasumi. Though being a Japanese girl she was also interested in the bottom line.  
  
"In this universe, he's..." Ami started working on her computer. "Currently worth about half a ton."  
  
"Half a ton of what?" Nabiki took another nibble of rice cracker. There was no way she'd end up in some group marriage.  
  
Ami looked up innocently. "Isn't gold a currency of exchange here?"  
  
(coughcoughcoughcough hack cough) Nabiki started turning blue.  
  
"Oh?" Kasumi thought for a few moments trying to come up with conversation. Failing, she fell back to her stand by. "Well, I suppose I should get back to the kitchen."  
  
"Do you need any help?" asked a number of the catgirls.  
  
Kasumi blinked. Someone offering to help? How odd.   
  
"Well, son?" Soun asked, lighting a cigarette.  
  
(SWOOSH! THUNK!)  
  
Soun stared at the sheared off end of his cigarette. He looked back out into the yard but there were just a lot of innocent looking catgirls.   
  
(cough cough cough gag cough)  
  
"Oh my, Nabiki, that doesn't sound very good." Kasumi glanced back at where Nabiki was now looking rather not so good at all. She quickly moved to Nabiki's side to pat on her sister's back.  
  
"Hang on," said one of the catgirls, "I can fix that, myan!"  
  
(gag wheeze choke)  
  
Akane woke up, saw one of the catgirls advancing on her sister, and tried to come to the rescue. Unfortunately all she managed to do was trip the catgirl so that she fell on Kasumi.  
  
"Oh dear," said Kasumi, having ended up on the floor in a tangle with a furry ponytailed catgirl. "Oh my, you've got sharp teeth."  
  
"uh oh. Usagi? You didn't..." Ranma looked at the two. "You did."  
  
"Oh myaow!" Kasumi reached back and tugged her tail free where it had gotten bunched up in her panties. Then felt where her ears had popped out. "What happened, nyan, to me?"  
  
"Nyanjin have the ability to pass their genetic template on to others, usually by a kiss or something similar to that," explained Ami. "It normally only works with the female of the species."  
  
"Oh dear," said Kasumi, wondering at all the odd sensations currently going through her. "What does this mean, exactly?"  
  
"Well, you'll stay young longer than a human, as a Nyanjin hybrid you could live five hundred Earth years." Ami tried to emphasize just the good points. After all, the girl looked rather shocked right now. No point in telling her about the psychological effects. "Your senses are much more acute and sensitive, your strength and agility are much higher, if you're injured you'll heal several times faster than a human would, your nails will grow in thicker and tougher, and you'll be much..."  
  
Kasumi sniffed at Ranma a few times, not sure why but she suddenly found him enormously attractive.  
  
Akane got unsteadily up. "How dare you turn my sister into a werewolf?! I challenge you!"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "This cannot be happening, absolutely can *not* be happening."  
  
"I really don't think this is a good idea," said Usagi.  
  
Akane threw a punch at the girl's jaw. Usagi opened her mouth to protest some more. The obvious occurred - Akane's punch went into the open mouth and Usagi bit down. Breaking the skin on Akane's knuckles.  
  
"Nyaoooww," Akane protested as she gained cat ears and a tail.   
  
"There there," said Usagi, moving to the new catgirl's side and scratching her ears and rubbing her mane. That she'd gotten hurt by this girl didn't matter to Usagi. Akane immediately (and to her own surprise) calmed down and started moving into the stroking.  
  
(cough hack!) Nabiki finally gasped for air and tried to focus on how two of her sisters now had tails and cat ears.   
  
Soun stared and tried to get his mouth working.  
  
Ranma sighed. Why did this sort of thing keep happening? Try to look up his old buddy Ucchan? He turns out to be a she, and Makoto bites her while trying to protect him. Run across that hunting party in China and that purple haired girl gets defeated in a fight. That had been all right until that girl had gotten up and kissed Minako, Minako had kissed back, and they'd added a purple maned catgirl to the pride.  
  
"This is inexcusable, I said *marry* one of my daughters not turn them into housepets!" Soun had finally recovered use of his mouth. "Are you sure you don't want to turn all three of them into..."  
  
So excited with the new feelings and pleasures of this new form, Akane had playfully leapt on Nabiki and bit her.  
  
Ranma hung his head. "I can't take any of you anywhere, can I?"  
  
--------  
  
"Nyaa, where we go now?" Akane strutted forward, pulling on the straps of her backpack.   
  
"Well, there's some martial arts we could learn in another timeline," suggested Makoto. "What about that world with the cyborgs dueling each other?"  
  
"Tiphares?" Ami nodded. "Though maybe some other skills as well, there's that one with the green and purple giant robot."  
  
Akane eagerly nodded. Learning martial arts with the other members of her pride was fun! So was cuddling up with her sisters. She'd never been this close to Kasumi or Nabiki before, and now she had a whole lot of other sisters to be close to! "Nyaa! Sounds like a plan!"  
  
Ranma trudged along, ignoring the happily meowing catgirl pack around him. He hoped that the next world turned out to have fewer surprises, and that they didn't leave with more catgirls than he arrived with.  
  
He just had a bad feeling about both prospects.  
  
==============  
  
(1) Fist Of The Northstar/Hokuto No Ken. Just in case nobody knew.  
(2) Ruroni Kenshin/Samurai X/Wandering Samurai  
(3) Star Wars  
(4) Magic Knight Rayearth  
(5) Dragonball Z  
  
============ 


	11. silvery moon omake

an unfinished OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE  
*sorry people, i wanted to finish this but time ran out.  
  
  
Genma was puzzled. Naturally when throwing Ranma into the pit of cats hadn't taught him the dreaded Catfist, Genma had considered just repeating the training until Ranma got it.  
  
Though this might not work. Was it not said that when you fell off a horse, you had to find a different mode of transportation? Which, according to Happosai, had meant that you had to redouble the difficulty of training until the student got it. Except that the Master had usually forgotten about that idea after threatening his two students with it, saying only that they were too weak and pathetic for such strong measures.   
  
Genma knew that any true son of HIS would be strong enough for such measures. The dreaded Master was evil and despicable but he knew his martial arts. In order to bring Ranma's full strength out, Genma had to be ruthless and up the training!  
  
First he'd doubled the number of cats and halved the sausage.  
  
Then he'd had to change locations abruptly due to some of the locals not appreciating the problems a martial artist had to endure to set this up. That some of their cats might have gotten somewhat messed up was merely an unfortunate side effect of the training.  
  
He'd tried tying his son up in steaks and throwing him into the feeding cage at the big zoo in Azabu Juuban. Well, perhaps he'd gotten a little overenthusiastic.  
  
Now he'd just sold his son off to this lady doctor for medical treatment, but this was actually one of his clever plans! Genma knew all he had to do was wait for the right moment and then steal his son back AFTER the appropriate medical treatment!  
  
Unfortunately, after coming back at the end of two weeks and sneaking into the hospital, there had been a slight problem. Trained martial artist or not, Genma Saotome had looked down the barrels of several police revolvers and thought that maybe attacking them wouldn't be the wisest move he could make.  
  
Now how was he going to get out of here and steal his son back?  
  
--------  
  
BY THE KNIGHT OF A SILVERY MOON, an omake by gregg sharp  
  
--------  
  
Doctor Kumori Mizuno held her sniffling daughter and looked over the room past the yellow police tape while the two detectives sifted for clues despite the obvious.  
  
For three years her daughter had gotten to know her "fiance" though the two had become more like a somewhat bratty slightly older brother and timid if smarter sister. Ami had come to rely and open up around her "Rannie" (a quick version of Ranma-oniisan) and now the loss of that brother had hit little Ami very hard.  
  
Ami was seven years old though. She'd recover and forget all about the five year old who'd come here and who'd grown up alongside her for those three years. She'd forget how she'd come running at the sound of breaking glass to see her brother being shoved in a sack. She would forget how the last thing her big brother was yelling was her name and that she should get away.  
  
Doctor Mizuno stroked her daughter's hair as the girl clung to her, all cried out.  
  
"...now I'll never get married..." sniffled little Ami. Remembering the big man with the little piggy eyes and the evil expression, Ami shuddered a little bit more. She'd never believed in monsters before this. Now she did. "Mama?"  
  
"Yes, dear?" Kumori felt the shaking and heard something like iron coming into her daughter's voice.  
  
Little Ami looked up at her mother the doctor. "I wanna be a policeman when I grow up!"  
  
Maybe this was something that Ami could grow out of too.  
  
---------  
  
In order to make up for lost time, shortcuts needed to be taken. Genma knew that his son could overcome the soft time he'd spent under that Doctor's care. He just needed tough love.  
  
The boy had gotten some weakening influences that Genma couldn't understand. Why his son was trying to escape back to those weak little girls, or *crying* about missing his "little sister" was simply beyond Genma's comprehension.  
  
Ah well, the lion had to push his cubs down a cliff in order that only the toughest would rise again. Then the lion had to push rocks down to make sure that only the strongest could climb out. For the boy's own good, and for the sake of the Art, this had to be done.  
  
--------  
  
Sailor Pluto, lonely guardian of the Gates of Time, the red-eyed Senshi, keeper of the Time Staff, etc, kept an eye on her Senshi. She wasn't to interfere, though that resolve was frequently tested.  
  
Such as now.  
  
Upon seeing little Ami and her new fiance, the Senshi of Time had checked back. No, Ranma Saotome was *not* a reincarnation of anyone from the Silver Millenium. Therefore she couldn't interfere when she saw Ranma try to escape his father to return back to his friend. She couldn't so much as nudge the timeline when she saw Ranma tied up in steaks and being dangled over a cage full of hungry lions. She absolutely could *not*...  
  
Sailor Pluto screamed in frustration as she saw Mercury's "big brother" getting mauled and decided to check one more thing.  
  
One day in the future, little seven year old Ami Mizuno would see her mother weeping over a news story. She would find out that her "fiance/big brother" (mainly depending on what mood she was in as to which she viewed him as) would not be coming back and had been killed in a spectacularly messy and painful manner. Resulting in a much more bitter and resentful Sailor Mercury who would keep the other Senshi at an emotional distance, and absolutely no respect for the authorities and adults who had allowed this sort of thing to happen.  
  
Okay, *now* it was something she could interfere in since this led to a lot more confrontations and a Sailor Mercury who was even more prone to callousness than Sailor Uranus at her worst. Pluto's eyes widened as she tracked the possibilities out, saw Uranus attack Sailor Moon, and Mercury KILL Uranus by forming large ice crystals inside Uranus' body. Then Neptune attacked and Neptune joined Uranus before Mercury could be stopped by the other Inners. That was a *very* cold version of Sailor Mercury, one whom embodied Uranus' own "hit first and overwhelmingly" philosophy to an extreme.  
  
The problem was how to interfere. Genma had already lowered the boy into the cage and was about to release the lions. The full moon providing plenty of illumination as Genma started his work.  
  
Wait a full moon? Setsuna realized that Genma was probably doing this at night to minimize interference and in the name of sneakery.  
  
The Time Pens that would allow Chibiusa to travel back and forth in time required the invocation of Chronos. There were others that could be invoked by old bonds by members of the Silver Millenium, and this looked like a tailor made opportunity for her to get the Senshi an ally.  
  
"Khufu! I invoke your protection upon this boy."  
  
---------  
  
1991, Azabu Juuban  
  
Ami Mizuno flopped back on her Western style bed. It had been an exhausting day, her cram school had been infiltrated by some energy draining monster. Ami had found herself now in the role of the sailorsuited warrior of love and fog machines - Sailor Mercury!  
  
And then she'd gotten this. Ami's eyes went past the Mercury Computer to a ragged looking teddy bear. Her big brother had gotten that for her the second year they were together, had it really been eight years ago?   
  
Of course now she understood much better what a "fiance" meant.  
  
Once she'd gotten home she'd done the obvious. Scan the bear and the few other remnants of her brother's stay with them. Pick up traces of his aura and molecular pattern. Set up a scan routine. So far nothing. He was not, then, still in Juuban. Perhaps not even alive.  
  
However, if that monster came for *her* this time, he'd get a markedly different reception.  
  
----------  
  
1992, Azabu Juuban  
  
"We're not having a study session so that you *could read my manga!*"  
  
"Rei-chan? What about *this* manga?"  
  
"WHAT?! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?!"  
  
Ami sighed as another study session began going sour.   
  
*Beepbeepbeepbeep*  
  
Ami flicked open the Mercury Computer, wondering what the problem was *now!*  
  
"Whatthhhithith?" Usagi asked with her cheeks being pulled by Rei.  
  
"More youma?" Rei groaned. She needed her sleep. Having her knuckles slapped by nuns every time she dozed off in class was not good.  
  
Noting that Ami was continuing to stare at her computer with wide eyes and a shocked expression, everyone started getting *very* nervous.  
  
"Waaahhh! Not another monster, we just got finished with the last batch!" Usagi wasn't happy about the potential loss of sleeptime either.  
  
Ami continued to stare.  
  
"It's that bad?!" Rei tried to dash out to do a fire reading, tripped over Usagi, and ended up in a flailing pile of limbs.  
  
"Minna! Henshin yo!" Ami stood, resolution showing on her face. Not only that she looked miffed.  
  
"What is it?!" Makoto began to tremble, seeing *Ami* get this way meant they were likely all about to die. She had too much to do! She still hadn't reconciled with or gotten over her old sempai whatever his name had been! She hadn't gotten her first kiss yet!   
  
Minako's thoughts were going along the same line as Makoto's, excepting that she didn't even have a sempai to fondly misremember.  
  
"We have to rescue my brother!" Ami declared as she pulled her transformation pen out.  
  
"You have a brother?" Minako asked.  
  
"Is he cute?" Makoto asked.  
  
"The one that was stolen by a monster?" Usagi said, remembering hearing something about that when she'd visited Ami's apartment shortly after they'd met.  
  
"Yes," said Ami, not indicating which question she was responding to.  
  
On the table the Mercury Computer continued to blink. [Scan has determined subject "Rannie" within range - 75mi and closing. Evidence of magical interference.]  
  
---------  
  
A young man in Chinese clothing gave a distrustful look to the clouds overhead and leapt over a set of claw swipes from an angry panda. "Yo! Cut that out!"  
  
The panda kept his attack up. The young man leapt over them all, still keeping an eye out for the inevitable rain. "I still say the whole thing sucks, old man!" This followed by the youth leaping to perch atop a fence.  
  
The panda managed a fairly decent acrobatic flip (especially considering that pandas were not exactly built for that sort of manuever) to continue the battle, though the fence bent under his weight.  
  
The boy leapt up, seemed to change direction in midair, and managed to knock the panda to the ground with a boot to da head. "I'm going back to China. So suck on THAT old man!"  
  
As soon as the boy had turned his back, the panda uprooted a sign and clobbered the youth from behind.  
  
The crowd was just beginning to mutter when a new element was introduced to the scene.  
  
"Pandas may be an endangered species but that doesn't excuse attacking innocent boys!" A girl with a really ridiculous hairstyle and a cheerleader costume declared.  
  
"Attacking hunks is something best left to teenage girls," declared a similarly clad girl with a red bow in her hair. On seeing her team-mates stare at her she blinked. "What?"  
  
"I recognize those eyes," said a girl with short hair and a blue uniform. "That's no panda. SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!"  
  
Genma dodged and began to run. He might have made it if he thought to drop Ranma.  
  
"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"  
  
"Mercury's scary," said Sailor Moon to enthusiastic nods from the rest of the team.   
  
Then it began to rain, and on seeing the blackhaired boy turn into a redhaired girl, Sailor Mercury got even more upset.  
  
--------  
  
A panda made its way to the Tendo front yard where it collapsed.  
  
It had frostbite over both legs, burns along its back and one arm, and itty bitty holes where something called a Crescent Beam had shot completely through him.  
  
At last, though, he was safe at Tendo's house.  
  
---------  
  
Nabiki came out front, saw a giant panda laying there wounded, and did the rational logical thing. She called the zoo.   
  
The zoo came out and took the panda away where its wounds could be treated and it could be bred to a panda named Ling Ling.  
  
It took Genma two more months to escape.  
  
It took Genma another four months to *successfully* escape.  
  
---------  
  
1993 Nerima:  
  
Soun stared at Genma. He wasn't the only ones as all three Tendo daughters were also staring.  
  
Nabiki thought she'd summarize what the were-panda had told them. She wouldn't have believed *any* of it if the heavyset man hadn't demonstrated the curse. "So your son turns into a girl, you turn into a panda, but hot water changes you back. You were dragging your son here to be engaged to one of us, he fought you, you defeated him with your superior martial arts skills, but then you were ambushed by some girls in short skirts who were throwing magical attacks around."  
  
"Yes, that's pretty much it." Genma nodded. Nicely summed up, though he would have spent more time dealing with his son's dismissal of honor by not rescuing his father thereafter.  
  
Nabiki looked thoughtful. "What have you been smoking, and why aren't you sharing?"  
  
"Huh?" Genma said. Why didn't anyone listen to him?  
  
"But in view of the recurrence of panda hair, I'll grant the possibility," continued Nabiki. "Now that we've established that, let me see what I can do about figuring out which magical girl team it was that 'rescued' your son."  
  
Kasumi blinked. How many magical girl teams were there? She hadn't even known there was *one*!  
  
Akane smirked, figuring out that Nabiki was stalling for time. "That's a good idea, Nabiki. I'm sure you can track them down in a few weeks or so."  
  
"I don't know, Akane," sighed Nabiki melodramatically. "I mean there must be *dozens* that could fit that description and I don't have a lot of money to do this research with."  
  
Kasumi frowned slightly. Dozens of magical girl groups running around Tokyo and she hadn't heard anything about them? She *really* needed to get out of the house more often!  
  
"But you'll do it?" Soun beamed at his middle daughter. "That's Daddy's little girl!"  
  
-------  
  
A study session at the Hikawa Shrine was interrupted. *BOOM!*  
  
"Ranma! You I kill!"  
  
Shampoo stalked forward. There was the blotch on her honor. There were all these weak Japanese girls scurrying off, cowards just like the one before her. Now she would erase the problem and leave this land of weaklings and cowards to return home!  
  
That was odd, the redhaired girl didn't look so panicked this time. She was actually grinning and seemed to be waiting for something.   
  
"JUPITER THUNDER CRASH!"  
  
Ranma looked down at the slightly crispy Amazon. "Good. If she don't see ya attacking, she can't give ya that Kiss Of Death nonsense. Now, what do we do with her?"  
  
Sometime after Ranma had been sent out and the girls were tying up the Amazon, they pulled out several items. "What's this book, and all the bottles of shampoo?"   
  
Ami, who could read Chinese, started reading the book and found parts of it to be *very* interesting.   
  
-------  
  
Chained up and with her own sword stuck to her throat, Shampoo was forced to witness Ranma changing from boy to girl and back again.  
  
"(Now, warrior, you have a boy who defeated you *and* a girl who defeated you. Clearly these laws are in conflict and you should give up all claims on Ranma.)" Ami said, pointing at the relevant sections of the book.  
  
"(You speak Mandarin very well,)" said Shampoo. "(However, he is actually a boy, so what I really need to do is give him the Kiss Of Marriage.)"  
  
Ami shook her head. "(That may be true, but he is *my* brother. You would have to convince my mother to allow your marriage and that is not likely to happen.)"  
  
Shampoo frowned. They might be weak little cowardly Japanese girls but they *weren't* stupid. Maybe since Ranma was a warrior... "(Is this mother a warrior?)"  
  
"(She's a doctor,)" Ami replied. "(Very busy and very well respected.)"  
  
Shampoo winced. Healers were not to be attacked if at all possible, and it sounded like she had diminishing returns in this case anyway.  
  
"(If you give your,)" Ami flipped in the book to one of the back pages, "(sword oath not to attack him or his friends, to treat him fairly and honestly, you will be given your chance to win his heart. I understand that if you fail to kill or marry him, you will be punished and your family's honor will suffer. However, it will be my mother's choice and then his own who he will marry.)"  
  
Shampoo seized on that. Convince the mother that she was an ideal wife for her son and she'd have her husband! "(Okay, I give my word!)"  
  
"What are you two talking about?" Ranma asked, feeling *very* nervous about the look in Shampoo's eyes.  
  
---------  
  
"Oh, what a cute little piggie!" Akane grabbed the little porker and held him up.  
  
"Squee?"  
  
----------  
  
Ranma transformed as he shot forward. The white hooded cloak and bodysuit. The weapons. Moon Knight was ready to stand beside the Sailor Senshi as they went through their own transformation sequence.  
  
Shampoo fell out of her tree, then picked herself up to go chase after Ranma and his sister and their friends. Tucking away the bottle of 110 shampoo as she went because after she figured this out she might STILL have to give those two girl a quick "stop making eyes at *my* airen" shampooing.   
  
On seeing the girls in swimsuits and her airen defeat a monster that seemed mainly to be some floating woman who threw about demonic sewing implements, Shampoo sat down and started thinking this over.  
  
1) Ranma was not responding to her "cute and affectionate as all get out" overtures.  
2) Ranma *was* being friendly with several girls, including his "sister" (Shampoo was beginning to have serious doubts about their relationship), who went and fought monsters. When they weren't fighting monsters Tall Girl would look at airen and sigh a lot, and Perky OverCute Girl would do a lot of silly things, and Priestess Pervert Girl would talk a lot to airen about things they had in common, and Silly Hair Girl would flirt even though she HAD a boyfriend. But Ranma was friendly with them.  
3) Ranma's mother was not terribly impressed with Shampoo's education. Or her tendency to make her own doorways. Or her tendency to go violent.  
  
Shampoo thought about all this and came to a very simple conclusion. If this was a fight she'd have been beaten silly by now. She had to change her tactics if she was to have *any* chance.  
  
Sneaking back to the loft she'd outfitted as a place to stay, Shampoo got out her sewing kit.  
  
--------  
  
Akane hugged her little piglet to her chest.   
  
Ryouga aka P-chan snuggled happily. After all the horrors of being a lunch item, he had found a measure of content here. This cute girl kept him around and talked to him. Like now as she closed the door and began undressing. "Akane" they called her. Such a nice girl.   
  
Well, he deserved a break from his Quest For Vengeance, didn't he? Ranma wasn't anywhere around, every time he chased down a rumor of Ranma's appearance all he ever did was run into that Moon Knight fellow.   
  
Akane finished stripping, turned to her pet, and watched as he seemed to faint with blood coming from his nose. Humming a little tune, Akane picked up the stunned piglet. "Now to just get you cleaned up."  
  
Ryouga's mind was offline but something sounded bad about that. Something important.  
  
Akane slid open the door, closed it behind her, then began rinsing herself off.  
  
P-chan watched her wash herself off, eyes glazed again and feeling faint. That alarm bell in his subconscious was now putting up little warning flags.  
  
Akane cradled her pet to her breasts again, noting that P-chan had gone all stiff. Well, if he had a cold then a warm bath was just what he needed.  
  
As Akane lowered herself into the furo, Ryouga abruptly connected what was wrong with this picture. "BWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Uhm, hi there."  
  
Akane stared at the boy sitting in her lap where P-chan had been a moment ago.  
  
"You know, there's a funny thing about this..." Ryouga said, trying to find a way to explain this situation.  
  
"Grrrrr."  
  
"It was just one of those things that kinda happened," explained Ryouga.  
  
"...die..."   
  
"Huh?" Ryouga said.  
  
Akane rose up from the tub, causing the boy to slide off. "DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! YOU PERVERT!"   
  
Three rooms away, Genma had a flashback to over nine months previously and hid.  
  
----------  
  
"Oh dearie me."  
  
She was 300 years old. She could call upon 3000 years of Chinese Amazon history. She was the Matriarch of the Joketsuzoku and familiar with their lore stretching back to the time when Homer wasn't even yet a gleam in his mother's eye.  
  
"Just when I thought I'd seen everything." NOTHING had prepared her for this.  
  
Shampoo adjusted her pink imitation sailor seifuku. "Is good yes?"  
  
"Shampoo, have you been experimenting with your shampoos again?"  
  
-------  
  
He'd had to go back and grab her weapon, then rush forward, leaping from a rooftop to land in the center of the group. "RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!"  
  
Moon Knight looked at the open sewer manhole, having just pulled the manhole cover off in preparation to see if the daimon was down there. On hearing a distant splash, he wondered if it was anyone he knew. "Damn. Who was that?"  
  
"Someone else you defeat and run away from?" Sailor Shampoo asked.  
  
"Didn't look like an Amazon to me. Looked more like some boy with a large spatula," suggested Cologne.  
  
"I didn't see *this* in a fire reading," remarked Sailor Mars. "Mercury?"  
  
"Sorry. I wasn't scanning for vengeance crazed martial artists," apologized Sailor Mercury.  
  
"urrrrrrraaaaaaaammmmmmmuuuuu," said something deep in the sewers.  
  
"I didn't see, did he look like my sempai?"  
  
There was a moment where everyone, including the two Amazon tag-alongs, directed a flat look towards Makoto.  
  
"WAAAAGGHHHHH!" A blur flashed out and started climbing all over Moon Knight as it came out of the sewer. "Whatwasthat? Itwasickybigslimyglowingredeyes!"  
  
Cologne kindly hit a sleep spot on the strange boy. "You know, Ranma, if you need a vacation from all this, we could just take a nice little visit back to the village with your wife."  
  
"Very funny old ghoul," growled Moon Knight. "Uh oh. Here it comes! Everyone get your attacks ready!"  
  
-------  
  
Nabiki rolled her eyes. She was 18 now. Her senior year. There were a lot of things she *should* be doing right now. College entry exams, for example.  
  
Putting up with a blubbering father should not be one of those things, Nabiki reflected.  
  
Also she found Mister Saotome to be less and less tolerable as time went on. It wasn't merely that he had some odious personal habits. It wasn't simply the drain on the household budget his appetite and frequent use of hot water represented. It wasn't simply the panda dander or little hairballs that accumulated. It wasn't just that Genma Saotome had little money and would complain to Nabiki's father if she blackmailed him too much for what pocket change remained after a drinking binge.  
  
It wasn't simply that he seemed to key off her father's emotional outbursts, Soun Tendo had not been quite as unstable prior to the Saotome arrival. Not that he'd been stable or clever or mature, but he at least hadn't been falling apart nightly with that wail about uniting the families. If he *had* then at least they would have had some warning prior to that postcard. Who knows how things would have developed if that had been the case?  
  
Then there was him constantly trying to eat *her* dinner, steal from *her* room, and hock *her* possessions. Nabiki didn't know that in another timeline that Ranma would have been in the house and provided a target for all these activities besides the three daughters Tendo, or that Soun would actually have been calmer with the son of Genma under his thumb (so to speak). She didn't have any way of knowing or even suspecting that having Ranma in the house would actually slow down the amount of raw chaos caused by having the two disciples of Happosai together in the same house. Of course, the Nabiki of *that* timeline might have been amazed to learn that all the chaos and bizarre incidences caused since the arrival of Ranma were not the result of Ranma himself, who only averaged one bizarre incident every few years prior to Jusenkyo, but put all the practitioners of Anything Goes together and...  
  
Having her father blubber and wail about uniting the two families was entirely wrong, especially now that Akane had been engaged to Tatewaki Kuno (so many pretty yen signs, and the two fathers congratulating themselves over the deal despite that now Nabiki couldn't sell Kuno any more photos) and Doctor Tofu was apparently now engaged by his mother to some girl known as "Miss Bighips Tokyo" leaving Kasumi or Nabiki to fulfill that arrangement. Guess who they were putting the pressure on.  
  
No, Nabiki was *not* happy about the current state of affairs.  
  
"All right, all right," said Nabiki, rubbing her temples after another playing of "Blubbering Cop, Family Honor and Duty Cop." It was quite apparent that she wouldn't get much peace and quiet around here if she didn't take action. "So you're saying that when you took Ranma to Jusenkyo and got cursed to turn into a panda, you threw him into a pool that turned him into a girl because you couldn't read the Chinese in the guidebook. So everytime he gets splashed with cold water he's some redheaded girl."  
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi from where she was pouring tea. They'd heard this story before of course, but still were left wondering what this redhead looked like. After the past year they'd all had a chance to get used to the idea of Jusenkyo curses. More than Nabiki would have liked in fact.  
  
"You're also saying that when you tried to get Ranma to learn some manuever known as the Catfist, that Ranma instead became a white garbed character with some gaijin theme?" Nabiki pulled out the picture she'd clipped earlier. "Like this?"  
  
"THAT'S HIM!" Genma pounced on the photo, ripping it from Nabiki's hands. "You've found him!"  
  
Nabiki thought she had a way out of her own incipient marriage. "So as soon as I find this guy, you're marrying him to Kasumi?"  
  
"That's right, it's all planned out!" Soun agreed, not noticing the substitution.  
  
"Nabiki!" Kasumi, on the other hand, *did* notice.  
  
Nabiki shrugged and just mouthed "better you than me" to her sister.  
  
Kasumi frowned ever so slightly, not liking this. Why, Ranma was a whole three years younger than she was. How improper!  
  
Akane bestirred herself from the private horror of her impending marriage. "The Moon Knight? He's associated with the Sailor Senshi over in Juuban, isn't he?"  
  
"That's right, Saotome! Let's go!" Soun rushed out the door with his friend, intent on the upcoming wedding.  
  
Akane was lost in thought for a few moments. She didn't like boys. She was about to marry the worst pervert she'd ever met, and that was saying something! The only way she saw out of it right now was if SHE were the one to marry Ranma, even though her father and Mister Saotome were currently ready to engage Kasumi to the sexchanger. Which meant... "Hey you guys, wait up! I'm coming with you!" Which meant that she could meet the Sailor Senshi at least. Maybe they could use someone with her fighting skills? She doubted she'd get the chance very often after her (shudder) marriage, but if she had prior commitments?  
  
"Oh dear," said Kasumi, fiddling with her ponytail. She supposed that she needed to go along too and meet her fiance. Except they'd probably try to have the marriage on the spot. That wouldn't be very nice. She'd at least like to dress for the occasion.  
  
Nabiki relaxed and enjoyed the return of quiet. Azabu Juuban was fairly big and the odds were against the two returning with Ranma, the Moon Knight, or some redhaired girl. It might be only momentary but she'd take what peace and quiet she could get.  
  
--------  
  
Ukyo stared. A week of shadowing these clowns had had results. She just wasn't sure if this wasn't something funny slipped into the okonomiyaki flour. "Let me get this straight. You all," she swept a hand at the girls in skating outfits, "are the sailor suited soldiers of love and battle, the Sailor Senshi. You're all reincarnated from some ancient Moon Kingdom, and you're here to protect the Earth while preparing for some new Kingdom you're gonna usher in where peace and love and all that good stuff will be brought about."  
  
Usagi nodded proudly. "That's right!"  
  
Ukyo wondered if this girl was as much of a ditz as she appeared. "Okay, and you're the Moon Knight, the appointed avatar of some Egyptian god of the moon named Khufu who isn't precisely aligned with these Senshi but working to similar purposes in that whole 'seeking justice and protecting mankind' sort of thing?"  
  
Moon Knight nodded his head briefly.  
  
Ukyo blinked a couple of times, then swallowed. "O-kayyyy. And you two, you're..."  
  
"A martial arts sensei and her student," responded Cologne.  
  
"Well, thank kami *someone* around here is normal!" Ukyo let out a deep breath.   
  
---------  
  
Genma limped back into the house.  
  
"Poor Mister Saotome, that's the fifth night in a row," said Kasumi. Fifth night or not, she got out the bandages and first aid cream and the splints. As was usual for Kasumi, she chose to look at the bright side: she was getting a lot of practical experience at first aid.  
  
"Poor Mister Saotome? Poor Daddy!" Nabiki said, not even bothering to look up from her books. "He's still down from last week's little 'unite the families no matter what' attempt."  
  
Akane merely hefted her dumbells.  
  
Genma looked at her and lifted a panda-sign. [It's up to _you_ now.] (flip) [For the honor of the schools, you must convince Ranma to abandon his silly cosplay.] (flip) [The families *must* be joined.]  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Akane. "I am *not* marrying him. He's an otaku."  
  
[Fine. Fine. Fine. You can marry that Kuno kid.]  
  
"That wasn't quite what I had in mind," said the wincing Akane.  
  
[We'll have Nabiki marry Ranma.]  
  
Nabiki didn't look up from her book. "You *do* know how much pandas are worth on the open market?"  
  
[Like I said, Kasumi is definitely the one to marry Ranma.]  
  
Kasumi not being currently in the room, there was no immediate objection.  
  
[See, it's decided. A match made in Heaven. Kasumi+Ranma.]  
  
Kasumi was reaching for a pan when she got this most awful shiver up her spine. "Oh dear."  
  
-----------  
  
1994 Juuban:  
  
Luna shrank back under the glares. "...honestly, I didn't remember."  
  
"This is ridiculous! How can a matriarchal society practice polygamy?!" Rei growled.  
  
"I think it was a political concession during the formation of the Silver Millenium," said Artemis, trying to remember.  
  
Cologne could see that nobody was happy with the revelation. "Well, it isn't a consideration for now. Perhaps later when you have come into your kingdom. Plenty of time to find alternatives, right?"  
  
"Two weeks," said Sailor Pluto, walking by the doorway. She paused long enough to leer suggestively at Prince Endymion/Mamoru. "On Tuesday."  
  
There was a brief period of silence, followed by a nearly unanimous "WHAT?!?!"  
  
-----------  
  
Two weeks had passed.  
  
Galaxia had come and gone. Phenomenal cosmic power. Vulnerable to certain pressure point techniques like the "Puke Up Your Guts" shiatsu strike. It had taken Cologne quite a bit of time to manuever into position.  
  
Sailor Moon had forgiven Uranus and Neptune for killing Saturn and Pluto in a scheme that hadn't worked.  
  
Ranma, who had developed a big brother-little sister relationship with Hotaru, had waited until the crisis was over. Then transformed into the Moon Knight long enough to beat two Outer Senshi into a state of severe pain. The only thing saving the two Outers from being injured to a level that Senshi transformations couldn't fix was that Moon had brought everyone back.  
  
Ami married Ranma. When Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome tried to break up the wedding, they had found all the Sailor Senshi had somehow snuck into the little church ceremony. Once again Genma Saotome found himself frostbitten, lightly roasted, electrically fried, but this time he had marks from some chain weapon being wrapped around his throat. It was still better than Soun, who had made the mistake of trying to knock aside one of the Bridesmaids in order to pound aside the Bride and replace her with a substitute. Hotaru had not taken very well to the rough treatment and had used a Silence Glaive Surprise. As she had only had a bouquet in her hands at the time, Soun Tendo was *not* splashed across that district of Tokyo.   
  
It took a month for the bodycast to come off of Soun Tendo, and by that time there was a Crystal Palace in Tokyo Bay.  
  
Ranma's mother found out about the polygamy law and started hinting VERY strongly about possible other wives to add for her manly son.  
  
Akane married Tatewaki Kuno, becoming Akane Kuno, and rumors began that she was violently ill on her wedding night. Seeing the couple fighting, it was immediately agreed by all concerned that they made a perfect couple. Akane ran away from Kuno on a recurring basis, which merely proved that the two were meant to be together.  
  
After a few years, Ranma's mother succeeded in marrying off others to her son.   
  
Genma got into an argument with someone named Herb and was never heard from again.   
  
Soun discovered that Picolette Chardin III was looking for a bride. Nabiki was quite upset with this arrangement, especially as she was the one chosen to fulfill it.   
  
Kasumi was able to get a job at the Palace and had a happy and fulfilling life after she married one of the guards.  
  
Akane had three children. Thankfully, none of them resembled the father.  
  
And so, you see, it was a happy ending after all. 


	12. XOmake

OMAKE: Worse Parent Than Genma?  
  
--------  
  
"Worse parent than Genma? This should work!"  
  
Toltiir watched as the pebble skipped off a rock, caroomed off a pillar, then flipped into the water with a noise like a belch. He hadn't expected something like this from Rafael. "Did you mean to do that?"  
  
"oops."  
  
"Guess not."  
  
----------  
  
The short fellow with the attitude looked up at the tall person with another attitude, and frowned. "So tell me, bub, why I shouldn't beat you like a pinata at a Mexican birthday party?"  
  
Genma frowned down at the little gaijin. "He is my son. By throwing him into the pit repeatedly, I will strengthen him and make him a 'man among men.'"  
  
Logan considered this for all of two minutes. Chuck, aka Professor X, was always going on about duty and honor and stickin' his nose in where it didn't belong. Knowing the Prof, it was likely that he'd disapprove if nothing was done. Heck, killing a kid *that* way was just plain wrong even in *his* book. Maybe he'd do something, give the kid to Chuck, then Chuck could get the kid adopted elsewhere. Meanwhile this'd get the Prof off his damn back. "Got a counterdeal for ya, bub. You and me rumble. If you win, I give ya everything in my wallet. If I win, I take the kid with me to learn what my friends can teach 'em about fighting."  
  
Confident in his martial arts superiority, particularly against some weak gaijin, Genma agreed.  
  
----------  
  
Long years had passed. He'd hated being a sort of mascot, but as he had no X-gene and was not a mutant - Ranma had only been able to throw himself more and more into improving his fighting skills. Until recently, that is.  
  
With the Danger Room and occasional unprovoked attack by evil mutants and supervillains, Ranma had risen to a level of ability few could ever hope to attain. His sempai, Logan-san, was a tough fellow who knew martial artists from all over. He'd had exposure to martial arts styles from places as exotic as K'un Lun and the Inhumans' Hidden City. The fighting techniques of T'challa and those of Shang Chi and others.  
  
Ranma had learned them all. It didn't help against someone like Juggernaut (who had ended rather decisively the "Ranma Saotome doesn't lose" line) but against opponents who were NOT avatars of unstoppable power, he could manage quite well in a number of situations.  
  
Then Magneto had decided he needed to test a new method of crossing someone from being a normal human to a mutant. Altering them to mutant status would cause a number of humans to go mad or at least would shock them out of their usual politics. Magneto had decided that the test subject should be in the prime of his health, and already associate with mutants.  
  
The artificial X-factor imbued into him had been unstable at first. The fight at Magneto's base had destroyed his machines, and for a year afterward it had looked as if nothing permanent had resulted.  
  
Now, however, Ranma Saotome had another name. It was odd how if he'd been able to choose, he would have chosen something like Piotr's organic steel body, or Logan's healing factor which could have augmented his chi-healing to incredible levels. He would have chosen something that worked well with martial arts directly but didn't overshadow them in other words. Instead he had gotten the descriptive codename of Wildfire.  
  
He had always had a good amount of chi. Training in various techniques under sensei like Daniel Rand and Dhalsim had increased those reservoirs. Having a mutant power like this seemed like a cheat because now he was a walking chi generator. Leap tall buildings? No problem. Throw a Ha Do Ken or use a rough version of Iron Fist's technique? Easy. Heal a teammate's injuries? Tricky, but do-able. Though striking a balance with his reserve was sometimes tricky.   
  
Which brought him here to his native Japan for the first time since his father had sold him to Logan. All he had to do was see a chi technique once and he'd learn it. That wasn't the problem though he *was* planning on learning new techniques while here. What he really needed to do was learn how to better control his chi so that he wouldn't accidently keep discharging excess. His trip to China had brought... other problems. Ones that he didn't want to deal with as of yet.  
  
His land of birth was most likely less crazy.  
  
----------  
  
Bayankala mountain range, China:  
  
Cologne puffed on her pipe at the edge of the crater and looked mildly amused. "When that boy said he had a problem with his chi production, maybe you should have believed him."  
  
Shampoo limped up on her crutches, scowling. "When can I go after that Outsider?"  
  
"After the cast comes off in another week. You might want to wait until the bandages come off," offered Cologne in her "wise old elder" mode. "Or even when your hair grows back. You're not exactly looking your best, you know."  
  
"If I lag too far behind, Sash will get him." Shampoo thought the stranger had been more handsome than Mousse though she would *have* to avoid startling him again.   
  
"Sash would stay in Japan - she likes their manga anyway. You'd try to bring him back here." Cologne flicked a pebble down into the crater. "Can you imagine what would happen if Mousse decided to attack him the way he did anyone you tried to be friends with while you were growing up?"  
  
Shampoo looked at the crater. Then at what was still standing of the house, then over to the Challenge Log that was still hanging crazily from one chain. "I see your point."  
  
---------  
  
Sighing, this was his third dojo today, Ranma went up to the rear entry. Were so few people around here good enough to use chi techniques that he wouldn't be able to learn *anything*?  
  
The bell jangled. A young girl peeked her head out a minute later. "Here to challenge the dojo?"  
  
"Yes." It was the easiest way to gauge the skill level of the dojo's master, after all.  
  
"Oh my. Well, if you'd come this way, please."  
  
Ranma nodded at the pleasant seeming woman and allowed her to lead him past two other young girls and finally into the dojo where a middle-aged man was waiting. "You're the sensei of this dojo?"  
  
"Yes, I'm Soun Tendo, Master of the Tendo School of Anything Goes martial arts."   
  
"'Anything Goes'? Hmmm. After I beat you, I'll have to ask you a few questions." Ranma settled into a loose basic stance. "Ready?"  
  
Soun nodded once, frowning as the Challenger failed to identify himself.  
  
Ranma could have simply dodged until he had the measure of the man's skill. He was bored and wanted to get to the good stuff immediately however, and so started off with a major attack. "HADOKEN!"   
  
Nabiki and Akane both gasped as the Challenger threw a fireball at their father. Soun blocked it with crossed forearms but it had hardly been the sort of manuever they'd expected.  
  
For that matter Soun himself was a little shocked even as his feet stopped sliding near the rear wall. A boy this young using a chi attack like that?! He was a bit rusty from years of not using his martial arts skills, but the sudden surge of adrenaline running through his veins was enough to throw off some of it. Upon seeing the boy's foot heading for his head and two inches away, Soun had time to begin blinking.  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
Bouncing off the rear wall and landing on his face, Soun was aware that the boy hadn't struck with nearly full power and had backed off to give him time to recover. Well, the challenge had been given honorably, and he was not about to give up the sign to the dojo. If the boy was intent on showing off in front of his daughters, then Soun Tendo would end this fight quickly by overwhelming this challenger with the full strength of the Anything Goes School Of Indiscriminate Grappling!  
  
Akane gasped again as the two began to blur. Her father had come back faster than she'd ever seen him, that smarmy boy had gotten even faster, and then her father had accelerated further. The dojo was left behind in a moment, the battle turning into a high speed set of feints, attacks, and defenses. One thing in particular occurred to Akane: her father had been holding back in training her - A LOT.  
  
Nabiki's eyes narrowed as she gauged their speed and skill level. She had to have a number of skills in gauging fighter potential, she often played bookie at the various schools and had to figure out the odds well in advance. The Challenger was holding back quite a lot while her father was fighting as near to all out as he could in this situation. Even with her father's skill level improving as old skills were remembered, this fight would have been over immediately if the challenger had wanted it. There was only one reason that Nabiki could fathom: and that was their presence. Mister Challenger didn't want to make the sensei look bad in front of his daughters.   
  
Kasumi watched carefully, blinking every so often as her father's skill gradually improved.  
  
Finally Ranma gauged that this sensei had no particular chi attacks. He was using chi to supplement his speed, strength, and endurance. There was something else, a sort of ego based presence attack that kept flicking into being. As the sensei was now on the edge of collapsing into exhaustion, Ranma gauged that he should play his end move - now!  
  
Soun felt himself thrown straight up as his opponent accelerated yet again. Exhausted and gasping for breath, he tried to roll out and change his angle of descent as it began. Except that the opponent hadn't waited and now had him in an octopus hold. This looked like it was going to hurt.  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
Darn it. Why did he have to be right?  
  
Ranma had leapt away at the last moment, using the sensei as a launch pad to accelerate the other even further while avoiding the impact himself. Man, wasn't he going to run into at least *one* chi master? He leaned back out of the way as one of the girls tried to attack him.  
  
"You bastard!" Akane raged and tried to hit or kick this annoying *boy*. "How dare you beat on our father like that!"  
  
Nope, Ranma decided. No chi techniques here either. Strength and general toughness enhancements only. Oh well, you couldn't expect the student to have too much that the Master didn't. As he'd learned himself, youth and enthusiasm could only carry you so far. "HADOKEN!"  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
Nabiki winced as Akane became one with the perimeter wall, spread eagled and looking shocked. Hmmm. *click* *click* *click* Kuno ought to pay some decent money for these shots.  
  
"Anyone else?" Ranma glanced at the two others. Neither seemed like a martial artist, but he'd met some weird styles recently. When neither seemed inclined to attack him, Ranma nodded. "Well, as soon as he's recovered, I'll ask him a few questions. I gotta find out why your school of martial arts has the same name as mine."  
  
---------  
  
Death came to Japan.  
  
Okay, his name wasn't death, but it was fairly close at times. To say that Sabretooth stood out among the Japanese was sufficient understatement it was ludicrous. Toad likewise stood out, though not as ridiculously. Mystique was currently an older Japanese man, as her attempts to become a perky Japanese tour guide had proven unable to disguise her attitude.  
  
Magneto spoke Japanese. Not well, he had trouble with inflections and sometimes the use of the proper particle eluded him, but gaijin speaking Japanese were gawked at anyway.  
  
As his usual agents were even more conspicuous than ever, Magneto had decided to gain the assistance of locals. The problem was that mutants in Japan tended not to call attention to themselves, even more so than elsewhere, due to the prevailing philosophy that "the nail that sticks out gets pounded down." The more intelligent mutants would use their powers in a minor subtle manner, if that much.   
  
Which left Magneto trying to recruit from those less intelligent and more antisocial individuals that had fought the law and lost in the past.  
  
A middle-aged Japanese man entered the warehouse, put a laptop computer down on the table, then flopped into a chair opposite the mutant mastermind.  
  
Magneto raised an eyebrow at the man before the latter morphed back into Mystique. "Your report."  
  
Mystique grimaced and turned the laptop so that the screen faced Magneto. "A crew of losers.  
  
"The most promising is Onimusha. Fairly strong, he can lift over three tons. Limited invulnerability, he can shrug off typical injuries without any problem. They used tear gas to catch him. Problem is that he makes Sabretooth seem like a sparkling conversationalist and his ability to stick to a plan is outright pathetic."  
  
Sabretooth growled from the sidelines at the perceived snub.  
  
Magneto nodded. Sounded like a good henchman for recruiting.  
  
"The rest of them are pretty poor candidates," Mystique continued. "There's Vidphile: who has the ability to use psychic photography to snap pictures of girls' panties. Lady Sumo - an extremely violent girl whose powers come from superdense fat tissue all over her body. There's Gourmand. Mutant power of being able to eat darn near anything. Lostboy - ability to get lost very quickly. There are also a number of martial artists with strange abilities, but I'm still researching those."  
  
"Any promise there?" Magneto shook his head. Why didn't the only country ever targetted by nuclear weapons have more mutants?  
  
"Some," admitted Mystique. "Many of these may be mutants from description of their power levels, or they may be mystically enhanced. I'm checking several of these as potential recruits but they appear to have their own agendas and tend to be loners. We can offer many of these little incentive to join. There *is* one promising candidate - some girl who hates boys and has some kind of battlerage."  
  
"Well, if she turns out to not be a mutant, maybe we could just give her to Sabretooth," suggested Toad.  
  
Sabretooth merely grinned at the prospect.  
  
-------  
  
"An arranged marriage?" Ranma scowled. "Well, there's a couple of things wrong with that."  
  
"Which daughter did you say you'd marry?" Soun wasn't prepared to drop the subject by a long shot.  
  
"The first thing is that I don't give a flaming about family honor," continued Ranma. "I've spent nearly ten years in the States and gettin' into scrapes all over the world. Every single time I've run across that stupid father's name: there's been dishonor attached to it. Can't uphold the family honor if there ain't none left."  
  
"Rrrrraannnmmmaaa!" Soun began his Demon Head Attack, ignoring his daughters as they cringed back. This insolent young pup obviously needed to be taught a lesson.  
  
Ranma grinned. At last! A chi attack he didn't know. Looks like it worked like so.  
  
Soun cringed as Ranma suddenly replied with his *own* Demon Head Of Outrage Attack. How had the boy learned such a technique when it was based on the Master's chi immobilization attack. Genma didn't know one... Of course! The boy must have learned it from the Master. Wait a minute. The Master?!!  
  
Ranma filed this new technique away as Soun Tendo began grovelling. Looked like this was a handy technique after all. Pain on the upkeep though, so Ranma dropped the chi aura.  
  
"Oh dear, oh my," said Kasumi. She and Nabiki knew that attack as well, their father had fired it off quite a few times over the years. Oh well, Ranma was too young for her anyway.  
  
Akane mumbled something from her bandages. As she currently looked like an extra in a Curse Of The Mummies film, mumbling was about her speed right now.  
  
Nabiki shrugged expressively. "Sounds like he's none too interested, Daddy." Privately she felt that was too bad, as this guy was pretty cute.  
  
"B-b-b-but..." Soun blubbered. On the one hand the dream of so many years, on the other hand the idea of this boy being the heir and disciple of the Master.   
  
Feeling a lot better about the day, Ranma smiled and thanked his hosts before getting up and leaving. A new chi trick. Now he'd just have to check out this place over in Tomobiki that sounded promising.  
  
----------  
  
"Hmmm," hmmmed Toltiir. "So Ranma goes running around Japan briefly. Magneto tries to capture him while recruiting 'local talent' - then Ranma returns to America and Xavier's School at the end of summer break. No Tendo+Saotome marriage?"  
  
"No, but Sash follows Ranma to Japan and gets involved with Mister Tendo after he accidently defeats her. Since the Tendo place is about five miles from a 'Manga No Mori' franchise she decides to settle down there." Rafael stretched his wings uncomfortably. "When Magneto learns that his target isn't in Japan anymore, he leaves with his new recruits in tow."  
  
"Onimusha, Lady Sumo, and Peeping Tomcat among his new members of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants." Toltiir shook his currently feline head. "Well, it's different, I suppose. No curse, and Ranma still has a number of interested girls but they're all minor powered mutants at the school, but it's a little different at least. Instead of insanely powerful martial artists showing up to challenge him, it's insanely powerful mutants and world menaces."  
  
Rafael looked uncomfortable. "Actually, what I *intended* to do was have Ranma end up being raised by Kuan Yin."  
  
"Already been done," said Toltiir, idly waving a paw.  
  
========== 


	13. invader omake

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE:  
  
This comes from an idea i had awhile back regarding alien invasions and different spins on the theme.  
  
-------  
  
The panda attempting to pound on a redhaired girl was abruptly stopped as a Drone dropped out of the sky and leveled sensor booms at the two. Like all Class Two Drones it most resembled some kind of floating lamp.  
  
The crowd immediately found other things to interest them, as nobody wanted the Masters to decide they had too much free time.  
  
As always the Drone spoke in perfect though overly formal Japanese with an androgynous voice. "DNA scan complete. Identification: Genma Saotome. Jusenkyo curse - panda. Identification: Ranma Saotome. Jusenkyo curse - girl. Public violence transgression entered into database. State nature of business in Nerima District: Takahashi Street Shopping Mall."  
  
"Growf growl gruff ruuff," replied the panda.  
  
"I ain't getting married, damnit," grumbled Ranma, a little too loud.  
  
"Has this marriage been submitted for review and approved?" The Drone was still quite polite. Of course, it could be performing a vivisection and still maintained a certain pleasant politeness all through the process.  
  
"No," replied Ranma, a little more cheerfully. Here was a chance to get out of it.  
  
Meanwhile the panda had just stopped at a stall and dumped a cup of coffee over himself. "Yowch! It is a matter of family honor. Ranma *must* marry one of Tendo's daughters!"   
  
"Searching database," said the Drone. "Six families under Tendo listed in Nerima. Specify."  
  
"Soun Tendo, School Of Anything Goes Martial Arts," replied Genma, eyeing the Drone. If only Earth had not been conquered by the so-called Masters in the late '70s. With all the checkpoints and Drones, the life of a wandering martial artist was fraught with permits and registrations.  
  
"Accessing database. Found. No available daughters." The Drone found evidence of Genma Saotome lying to Drones in the past and did a scan of bio-systems.  
  
Ranma grinned. No available daughters = no engagement!  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN..." Genma realized he was yelling at the Drone and this was not a good thing. He could easily end up in a panda breeding program at the least. At worst he'd be reduced to protein goo and recycled. "What do you mean 'no available daughters'?"  
  
"Soun Tendo and Kimiko Tendo. Number of daughters: three. Eldest daughter Kasumi requested by Tofu Ono as bridal candidate. Marriage registered when no counterclaim filed: January 3, 1991. Nabiki Tendo claimed by Picolette Chardin III as wifeslave. Marriage registered January 15, 1982. Akane Tendo claimed by Tatewaki Kuno. No counterclaim filed. Marriage registered February 13, 1992." The Drone helpfully added something. "Ranma Saotome. Current marriages registered. Ukyo Kuonji. Shampoo of Joketsuzoku. Kaori Daikokuji. Multiple Marriage Partner Option filed by Saotome Head Of Clan: Nodoka Saotome."  
  
Ranma blinked. "I have a mom?"  
  
"She always *did* have some weird ideas about what consituted manly," admitted Genma. He remembered something of dealing with these Drones, though he was hardly an expert. "Have any of the Tendo marriages been finalized?"  
  
"No. Do you wish to file a counterclaim?" The Tendo database showed that two of the marriages had been protested by the bride in question, where the third had a Dangerous Behavior flag.  
  
"Yes!" Genma was quick to pounce. "It is a matter of family honor that Ranma marry a Tendo."  
  
"Processing request." The Drone replied, sending a query to the Masters. The Masters replied back almost immediately which indicated that at least one was still interested after the events at Jusenkyo. "Note: Tatewaki Kuno - four violations of public violence restrictions, aberrant behavior and evidence of genetically based insanity. Tofu Ono - three violations of public exhibitions of destructive behavior, charges of drug ingestion dismissed after bio-scans revealed no evidence. Picolette Chardin III - genetic mutations deemed non-beneficial. Sending alert to Head Of Clan Saotome for choice regarding which daughter to engage Ranma to."  
  
"Uh oh," said Ranma and Genma together.  
  
"Hey, don't *I* get a choice in this matter?" Ranma demanded of the Drone.  
  
"Meeting between engaged parties to decide compatibility received from groom and three of the marriage prospects." The Drone was now in constant communion with other Drones and the network. If it had feet, it would be tapping them. "Scheduling meeting. Location: Saotome household. Additional bridal candidates being arranged."  
  
"More?" Ranma felt faint.  
  
The Drone hummed slightly as medical scans went into play. "Genetic Upgrade program suggests four other possibilities. As candidates complete current travel arrangements and work assignments, they will be routed to Saotome household."  
  
"Erk," said Ranma.  
  
"Unless Ranma Saotome wants bride status instead of groom," suggested the Drone.  
  
"...fine..." Ranma gritted her teeth at the suggestion of being a bride. Yeck!  
  
"Saotome household leveled during attempted Uprising in 1988. As Saotome clan head was not one of rebels, location was rebuilt as apartment complex with attached dojo. Sufficient rooms are available. Registering. Proceed to Saotome household." The Drone paused. "Congratulations on your upcoming marriage, Ranma Saotome."  
  
Deciding that attacking the Drone would only cause the Pain Beam to be unleashed in his direction, something he'd only experienced once as a child and had no intention of repeating, Ranma reluctantly nodded.  
  
Genma sighed. He couldn't get away with much with the Masters. And he'd been sure that everyone had forgotten those deals he'd made regarding Ranma. Pity.  
  
----------  
  
Akane was happy. Sort of. A chance to get out of a marriage to Tatewaki Kuno? Yay! Time for the little streamers and confetti. It meant getting married to some jerk she didn't know. Not so good. Ugh. So Akane was going from happy to worried in cycles while she packed.  
  
Nabiki was happy. Sort of. This was a chance to get married to someone who didn't keep swallowing her head as an expression of affection. She'd get the chance to eat something instead of having to sneak her food. This was a good thing. The bad thing was that she didn't know that much about this "Ranma Saotome" and if it didn't work out between her and him, she'd end up back at the Chardin residence. Very very bad. Nabiki packed and thought of ways to sabotage Akane.  
  
Kasumi was not so happy. Nice Doctor Tofu wanted to marry her, but kept ripping up walls and dancing with a skeleton. She didn't like people who used drugs no matter what the Drones might say. Who else was she going to marry, some boy three years younger? How silly. Nabiki or Akane would make much better choices.  
  
Shampoo was not so happy. Try to get past the Drone in the Bayankala Pass and she'd been hit with a Pain Beam repeatedly. Not good. If she tried to use the Breaking Point on it, then the Village would suffer. Everyone knew what had happened at Phoenix Mountain and in Washington DC and in Cairo and London. So she'd made inquiries about the redhaired thief, discovered that it was a *boy* who had defeated her, and had changed her "hunt down and kill" to a "hunt down and marry" - which was far more acceptable to the Masters. This whole bit about a group marriage was hardly Shampoo's cup of tea though.  
  
Ukyo was also not very happy. Yes, Ranma would finally wed her. Genma making other arrangements was less pleasant. She'd have to get Genma Saotome into a combat arena though, otherwise she might get some violence marks against her.  
  
Kaori was very unhappy. HER sharing a husband? This was not acceptable.  
  
Makoto Kino whistled a happy tune. She had a fiance! His records showed him to be cute and a good martial artist. Okay, there was some competition, but when wasn't there? The database revealed that if she and he had kids: the odds were in favor of strong healthy babies and physically quite talented individuals. She hugged her parents goodbye and headed out with the feeling of eventual triumph!  
  
Kiima wondered about this as she made her nest in the Saotome roof access. Phoenix Mountain had destroyed one Drone after most of the planet had been conquered. They hadn't lasted fifteen minutes after that as the mountain was literally cut away around them. Many soldiers had been disintegrated. She'd merely been stunned as had many of those who had not actively attacked the wave of mechanical soldiers had been. They'd been scattered and forced to live in the outside world. She'd been a young child then, and had grown up among humans. Now she had come up as a possible mate for a human boy. Perhaps this wouldn't be so bad - it would be nice to have a family again.  
  
Nodoka Saotome was mainly happy. Other than her husband doing something idiotic, she had mainly good things to contemplate. Now her manly son would have multiple wives, which was a very good thing in Nodoka's viewpoint.  
  
--------  
  
Ranma and Genma reached Maison Saotome without much problem. A three story building with a seperate room for bathing and a dojo in back.   
  
The building *looked* old-fashioned pre-WWII construction. Except for Genma's memories of the place being smaller and looking decidedly different, it might have been there for sixty years.  
  
"Registering Ranma Saotome and Genma Saotome," announced the outer gate as it opened. "Welcome home. Please contain violence to the area of the dojo and gym area, or to the practice field. Do you wish to hear a rundown on your fiancees, Ranma?"  
  
"No," said Ranma, wondering what he could do to get out of this altogether. "How can I be married to more than one girl anyway?"  
  
"Though traditional human marriages follow the one-on-one rule, it is not the only such arrangement. Polygamy has a long human history and was around for far longer in the culture of the Masters, which is similar to that of certain Bedouin tribes actually." The gate paused. "Are you going to continue standing in the street or go in now?"  
  
Ranma grumbled as he walked through after his father. "Nobody asked me what *I* think of all this."  
  
The gate closed and clicked off as soon as both Saotomes were within and didn't bother to reply.  
  
----------  
  
Nabiki chose room 10. Ten-do. Irresistable actually.  
  
Kasumi chose room 11. It had a nice view of the street.  
  
Akane chose room 13. It was available for some strange reason.  
  
Shampoo had already arrived in room 12 and received several demerits and an appointment at a Sensitivity Training room after creating several doorways where there had been walls.  
  
Ukyo was sulking in room 14 because she wouldn't be allowed to grill in her room.  
  
Kaori had found room 30 unoccupied and claimed it. She'd eliminate the others from this little competition, one way or another.  
  
Makoto had introduced herself to the landlady who had turned out to be Ranma's mother and hadn't gotten a chance to choose a room yet.  
  
Minako, on the other hand, was sneaking into her room. She'd get a boyfriend before Makoto even realized what was going on!  
  
If Ranma had had a clue, he'd have started running immediately.  
  
----------  
  
"Hmmmm," hmmmed a cat. "Let's just see how some of the others handle this situation."  
  
"Indeed," said Ares. "How about Akane first? How does she handle meeting Ranma?"  
  
-------  
  
Akane looked at this boy turned girl, heard her father and his friend start talking about the marriage and reacted in a perfectly normal manner for her. "We are NOT getting married! I am NOT going to be involved in some... group marriage with some pervert! There's no WAY I'm going to marry some pervert who turns into a girl!"  
  
Unfortunately, she'd forgotten the softball sized sphere floating nearby. "Counterclaim dropped. Engagement between Akane Tendo and Ranma Saotome terminated."  
  
Akane nodded in satisfaction.  
  
"Marriage of Akane Tendo to Tatewaki Kuno is scheduled for this Saturday at noon," continued the Drone.  
  
Akane began to nod, and stopped. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Tatewaki Kuno has requested that marriage take place immediately. No legal obstacle has been found. Central calculates at least a 40% chance that after marriage has taken place, Tatewaki Kuno will become a much more responsible individual. This unit congratulates you on your upcoming marriage and advancement in caste, Akane Tendo."  
  
"I... oh dear." Akane hung her head, wondering HOW she could get out of this now.  
  
-----  
  
Toltiir grinned. It was different at least.  
  
Ares pushed the fast-forward. "Well, I'll bet Nabiki rejects him too."  
  
-----  
  
Ranma demonstrated the curse and explained about the whole group-marriage deal. Now that he'd gotten out of one engagement, he was hoping for others to jump out of the running too.  
  
Nabiki crossed her arms and looked him over with a smirk. "Face it Ranma, you're my only ticket out of a marriage where I'd be a slave to a cannibal who swallows my head as a term of endearment and whose sister tried three times registering an 'unusual meal request' while basting me with plum sauce. There's *no way* a halfway-decent guy like you is talking me out of this arrangement with you instead. You simply could not equal the drawbacks of the other if you tried." She waved a hand airily. "Have a dozen other wives? Fine. Give me a few hours every other week and I'll keep myself busy in the meantime. You need someone to manage your finances anyway."  
  
Ranma heard about the plum sauce and cannibalism and blanched. Sentencing someone to THAT wasn't something he'd do very easily. Maybe if she found someone she liked better?  
  
------  
  
"Hah," Ares said, slapping his knee. "Looks like Ranma and Nabiki. Well, so much for the others."  
  
------  
  
Kasumi met Ranma, but her mind was on something else entirely.  
  
She'd seen the polished, gleaming, restaurant style kitchen of the maison. The long low tables of the common eating area. The vast refrigerator and freezer and food stores. She'd been in a pleased daze since then.  
  
Lots of people to feed? Lots of ingredients and tools to do it with? Help cleaning? The promise of eventual children of her own?  
  
"So, you see why you shouldn't marry me," said Ranma, demonstrating the curse and explaining about all the other wives and how there would have to be long training journeys.  
  
Kasumi blinked. "I'm sorry, did you say something dear?"  
  
------  
  
Kiima cooed to the latest egg as she moved it into place alongside the others in her nest.   
  
"Citizen Kiima, please state for the record how you came across these." A Class Three Drone hovered nearby.  
  
Kiima nodded seriously. Long association with the devices indicated that the phrasing meant that one of the hidden Masters was viewing this in realtime. As the Masters held sufficient power that her current situation could be very precarious, Kiima knew that her answer had to satisfy those Masters. Fortunately, she knew a bit about them and so could be honest enough for the Drone while couching the answers in a way to satisfy those aliens.  
  
"Shampoo and Kaori were engaged in a combat that could have threatened the stability of the household. As poisonous substances were in use, I responded as decisively as I could." She indicated two of the eggs. That Kaori had been planning to drug the others and Shampoo had had a similar plan, with the two then going into open combat would be indicated by various recordings. Kiima had no doubt that these two getting egged was permissable.  
  
"Noted. Corroboration available. Others?" The Drone dipped in midair briefly.  
  
"Makoto and Minako both individually expressed doubts about the group marriage. Kiima indicated that she could help. Upon indication from both that they'd appreciate help, Kiima used available resources." Kiima left their phrasing open. If nothing else she'd be able to indicate a misunderstanding due to the way they'd spoken.  
  
"Noted. Final occupant?"  
  
"A friend of theirs inquired as to their whereabouts. Kiima showed friend. Friend became quite upset. Kiima stated egg technique does not harm individual. Friend indicated proof necessary. Kiima provided proof." Kiima shrugged apologetically and got on top of the eggs, spreading her wings to cover them.  
  
The Drone communicated with the Masters, one of whom indicated interest in this development. "Please desist in the future. Proceed."  
  
--------  
  
Ukyo smiled.  
  
Genma looked at all the spheres orbitting him and merely got increasingly nervous.  
  
"Saotome Genma. Charges have been pressed against you. You have heard the evidence and testimony against you. Do you have any last statements before Judgement?"  
  
Everyone present heard the capital letter in Judgement. Considering the Masters had a view of justice that could be pretty barbaric, Genma really began sweating.  
  
Genma pulled himself together. "Yes. Everything I did was for the sake of the Art. For the Art and for my son. Everything was to better him or for his benefit."  
  
Ranma couldn't help but snort. Ukyo laughed. Several others expressed varying shades of disbelief.  
  
"Lying to a Class Three Drone is also an offense." One sphere turned red. "Guilty."  
  
Another sphere turned red. "Petty theft: two hundred thirty two counts. Guilty."  
  
Another sphere turned red. "Assault without sufficient cause. One hundred eleven counts. Guilty."  
  
Another sphere turned red. "Public display of violence in inappropriate venue. Two hundred seventy nine counts. Guilty."  
  
A sphere turned blue. "Conspiracy to rebel against the Masters. Two counts. Not guilty due to not being clever enough to actually pull it off."  
  
"HEY!" Genma growled at the insult.  
  
More spheres turned red.  
  
"Sentence," said the first sphere, "subject Genma Saotome will be available in public combat arena number four. Subject will be available for challenges and attacks of vengeance from 8am to 5pm Monday through Friday with a one hour lunch beginning at 11am."  
  
Genma sighed in relief. Hey, it beat having to work a *real* job.  
  
Ukyo smiled. Genma would be where anyone paying ten yen could come in and beat the royal snot out of him. Figures that those annoying aliens would find a way to profit off of this, but it sounded like she'd finally get a measure of payback. Especially after selling the information to all the other restraunteurs and people who had a grudge against Genma Saotome.  
  
Genma asked if lunch would be provided for him.  
  
------  
  
Happosai was the aged martial arts master/pervert in a society where his normal activities had been outlawed.  
  
Steal food? Get a Pain Beam.  
  
Dodge responsibility? Get a Pain Beam.  
  
Steal women's undergarments? Get a Pain Beam.  
  
Discovering that the effects of the Pain Beams were increasing and that there were *worse* punishments awaiting him, Happosai had tried to go straight. These Drones were not pushovers. They were fast, hard to hurt, immune to a number of chi attacks, and could spot him in an instant no matter his disguise.   
  
Going straight had lasted for three days. At which point the aged pervert had snapped.  
  
A world without perversion was not a world Happosai could tolerate. Whether it was the Crystal Tokyo that Usagi Tsukino might have eventually brought about, or the alien Masters and their superior technology, it was one of rigid Order. Happosai and the Anything Goes School he had founded were based on Chaos.   
  
A one-pervert rebellion against the aliens had commenced.  
  
Happosai *was* a Master of Anything Goes and was constantly having to upgrade his skills to levels he hadn't even had to use during his younger days. Every trick he'd ever used was developed further, every skill honed to perfection.  
  
The word got out. Women began airing their panties out on lines again, secretly smiling if their undergarments vanished. A little act of rebellion perhaps, but one they could get away with.  
  
------  
"Happosai's a HERO?!" Ares stared. "A symbol of freedom and rebellion against the system?"  
  
Toltiir blinked. "Now THAT is different."  
  
========== 


	14. a kwannonical omake

hi folks, some temporary access made today possible. later  
  
  
  
  
Rafael looked uncomfortable. "Actually, what I *intended* to do was have Ranma end up being raised by Kuan Yin."  
  
"Already been done," said Toltiir, idly waving a paw. "Observe."  
  
Rafael blinked. "The goddess of compassion and pacifism? Saddled with the wild horse?"  
  
-----  
  
WHAT IF KWANNON HAD RAISED RANMA?  
a "worse father than Genma" omake by Gregg Sharp  
  
-----  
  
Kuan Yin, aka Kwannon, alias a few similar names and identities, breathed a sigh of relief as her rebellious "son" was ready at long last to leave the nest.  
  
Years ago she had taken a tortured child under her protection. Not too long after that she had begun regretting it. At several points she had been ready to pull out her own hair as a result of a *very* rebellious boy whose natural inclinations had not included pacifism by any stretch of the imagination.  
  
After an event where even *her* patience had been exhausted, Kwannon had finally come up with an idea on how to impress on her young charge the basic philosophies of her nature. It hadn't quite worked, though Ranma had been a bit more subdued since his moment of Awareness. Even more so after his Ascension.  
  
The event in question had been the time Ranma had fallen into the Spring Of Tiresias after sneaking away in order to try and pick up some martial arts training from one of the other gods rather than study boring stuff like medicine. Having managed to change himself from an eight year old mortal boy into an eight year old girl had driven Ranma nearly into frothing at the mouth displays of temper until the gentle goddess Kwannon had found a way to change Ranma back. Though it only worked if Ranma was completely calm. If startled, angered, or otherwise moved out of his "icy calm" - boy-type Ranma became a girl.  
  
Thereafter, Ranma had learned to be less emotional. Quieter. More controlled. He still lapsed occasionally after that, but disliked becoming a girl enough that those occasions were rare.  
  
He'd become quite a good healer, familiar with a number of Chinese medical techiques. So much so that he'd become a god (second class, limited) of medicine.  
  
Now if only he'd get some of that show-off nature out of his system.  
  
-----  
  
This was boring, Cologne thought to herself, and THAT was why she usually did not attend the annual Tournament. It was the same thing every year. If only something *different* would happen.  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
As a bolt of lightning slammed down from a blue sky next to the first prize, Cologne raised an eyebrow.  
  
Coughing slightly, a boy walked out of the resulting cloud of smoke. "Yeesh. Maybe I should have chosen a different method of transport."  
  
Cologne's other eyebrow went up as she sensed the power radiating from this boy.  
  
"Hey you! What the heck are you doing?!" Ignoring the way the boy had formed out of a bolt of lightning, Shampoo pointed to where the edge of the feast was now on fire. "Look what you did to my prize!"  
  
"Oh?" The boy turned, saw the fire, and nodded. He couldn't leave things as they were, could he? "Don't worry, I can fix it!"  
  
Shampoo was ready to beat on this Outsider when it finally occurred to her that this boy was beginning to glow.   
  
"Dance and spin,  
O threads of life,  
Repair thy damaged ends,  
Grow strong again,  
And quickly mend,  
And free yourselves of strife!"  
  
Ranma nodded. He'd gotten stuck with the wording again but he thought he'd muddled through.  
  
The ears of corn becoming stalks of corn which took root and began spreading disabused him of that notion.  
  
Grass sprouted from dirt in a sudden flood of green that spread through the village. Tree seeds which had blown in from nearby orchards erupted into full growth in seconds before startled Amazon eyes. More plants likewise went from seeds or fruits to fully grown specimens of their breed within moments.  
  
Shampoo, enveloped by vines that had rushed over her in a wave, thought that all the flowers would look quite nice if they weren't tying her up like this. She had to fight against the strange calm and desire to dance that was already affecting a lot of the others around her. "STUPID OUTSIDER! LET ME GO!"  
  
As vines and plants continued to spread through the village and tie up or otherwise defeat various Amazons, Ranma said eight words that sent a chill through everyone who heard them. "Don't worry, I know how to fix this."  
  
-------  
  
When the Outsider had finally left, Cologne sat on a tree branch and smoked her pipe. Being over three hundred years old, she needed a break every so often. She also made a mental note not to complain about being bored again. Someone had obviously been listening.  
  
A form pushing its way through the thick field of corn revealed itself as a very disheveled looking Shampoo. She was joined quickly by Lotion, Perfume, Potion, Satin, Clover, Sugar, Spice, Tigar, Frost, Sash, and Weird Mao.  
  
Cologne let them wait below her for a few minutes. "And what do you want now with so much work to be done? We have to get all these trees out of the village, we have to harvest and store all these fruits and vegetables, we have to rebuild several homes still."  
  
"Excuse me, Elder," politely said Frost, the albino looking up at her briefly. "It occurred to me that this boy managed to defeat us in combat."  
  
Perfume and Lotion looked at each other and nodded. As they did everything together, sharing a husband wasn't so strange an idea. "The Outsider *was* a male, and *was* rather handsome."  
  
Cologne cleared her throat. "Are you suggesting that after all the trouble we had getting him to leave the village that one of you should give him the kiss of marriage and bring him back here?"  
  
"Well..." Sugar looked slightly embarassed.   
  
"Are you sure you're not trying to shirk your current workload?" Cologne looked at the guilty expressions over more than one face. "Get back to work. I'll consider your petition later as long as his entering our valley again is *not* something we have to deal with on a regular basis."  
  
There were some disappointed mutters but two of them looked hopeful.  
  
"And *after* we've cleaned up *this* mess," finished Cologne.  
  
-------  
  
The crowd of hentai was ready to attack.  
  
Their target, a young girl, prepared to throw herself into the group and beat them senseless. Err, make that 'beat them into severe pain' - if they had any sense to begin with they wouldn't be in this situation.  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
(cough hack) "Yup, I've *got* to come up with a better way of teleporting." Ranma waved some of the smoke away, then pulled out and began consulting a "Ningauble's Guide To Tokyo" as he tried to determine where he was.  
  
After a few minutes he realized that he wasn't being stared at so much as something at his feet. Glancing down he realized that he was standing *on* someone?! "Oh my gosh. I'm sorry, miss!"  
  
"...I don't want to play Romeo..." Akane mumbled, her eyes swirling.  
  
Ranma considered. He knew pressure points and Chinese medicine. All he had to do was tap here and there and voila!  
  
Akane realized some strange boy was touching her back and that she'd been pounded into the ground. "WHAT THE?! You did NOT defeat me!" She twisted away as this boy prepared to do something weird.  
  
"Yeah, I know. You were just lying in this crater by some amazing coincidence. Hey! Hold still! Uh oh." Ranma looked horrified as his precisely targetted pressure point strike which *should* have healed her sprained ankle hit an entirely different pressure point.  
  
Akane grabbed the young hunk in front of her, pulling him close into a passionate kiss. All of her inhibitions and inner passions came rushing to the forefront and she ground her body against the sexy stud. Yes, this was why she hadn't rebuked the whole defeating her thing. She *wanted* some guy to take control, to be able to force her into submission, and now that she had found someone, she was not going to let go.  
  
Ranma froze as he found someone else's tongue in his mouth and her hands roaming where public decorum indicated nice girls not do that even in privacy. When he could finally move again, Ranma did the natural thing. Which was to hit a temporary paralysis point, undo the effects of the earlier shiatsu strike, and teleport again. Boy, had *he* found the wrong place to be!  
  
Akane slowly got control of herself again, though if she ever found that boy again she'd... Well she wasn't quite sure if she'd finish what she started or she'd kill him.   
  
Idly flattening Tatewaki Kuno, Akane wondered which she really wanted to do.  
  
--------  
  
After causing so much mess on the mortal plane, it was quite natural for Ranma to be punished. Community service was not Ranma's favorite thing. The Goddess Relief Office even more so.  
  
Especially as that meant he had to be a she during this period. Bleah.  
  
Ranma brightened slightly. A call! "Goddess Relief Office. I'll be right there for a consultation!"  
  
-------  
  
Minako Aino sighed dejectedly. Her parents were out of town, she'd tried to order pizza, and instead she'd gotten some whacked out psychic hotline.   
  
*shoom!* "Not as impressive, but it'll have to do."  
  
*poof!* This the sound of a little white mooncat who now resembled a puffball with legs and poofy tail.  
  
The redheaded girl smiled at the startled blonde. "Hello. I am Ranma Saotome, god second class on probation, limited license, temporarily working for the goddess relief office. I am here to grant you a wish!"  
  
Minako blinked. "You're a goddess?"  
  
"Actually, this is just temporary. I'm really a guy." Ranma forced himself to calm and morphed back to male. "See? It's just a transformation because I work for the Goddess Relief Office, and they've got these rules, y'know?"  
  
Minako blinked repeatedly. A guy. A handsome guy. A handsome guy who was here to... "You're going to grant me a wish?!"  
  
Ranma nodded. "Oh yeah. I gotta go through the whole procedure. Minako Aino, alias Sailor V, aka Sailor Venus. You have been found worthy of being granted a wish. You only get *one* wish, however."  
  
"A wish?!" Minako repeated, looking over the girl that had turned into a real hunk.  
  
"Yes!" Ranma nodded. He wouldn't screw this one up! "It can be for nearly anything, however. You want great wealth, you can have it. You want to be a famous idol singer, you can do that too. You want a 'Venus Lovely Gatling Orbital X-Ray Laser Cannon' you can have that as well. Just remember - it's only one wish and once given you can't change it."  
  
Artemis began to recover. "Don't do it! It's a trick. Wish he'd just go away or something if you've got to!"  
  
"You could even wish that Artemis here had all his memories back or something," pointed out Ranma. "Whatever you like!"  
  
Minako tried not to get her hopes up even as Artemis began ranting about duties and responsibilities and not letting her guard down. "I could even get a boyfriend if I wanted?"  
  
"MINAKO!!" Artemis really began to get alarmed.  
  
Ranma looked at the girl and could see her uncertainties, her insecurity in her own appearance and appeal - fueled by her inability to get a boyfriend. After a moment he nodded. "Yeah. Though it's hard to believe a girl as cute as you couldn't get a boyfriend."  
  
Artemis cringed. The moment this boy called her cute, Minako got *that* look in her eyes. He had to stop her from doing something foolish. This *had* to be a trick of the Dark Kingdom.  
  
Minako grinned. The inevitable occurred. "I wish I had a cute boyfriend like you to be with me forever!"  
  
"Noooooooooooo!" Artemis didn't like this development at all.  
  
Strangely enough, neither would Luna.  
  
Minako on the other hand, after some initial misgivings, decided that she'd made the right wish after all.  
  
=========== 


	15. omake and pokeboys

WILD HORSES & POKEBOYS  
(an alternative angle)  
  
It was said (by some) that WH&Pg couldn't stick to a single atmosphere, and that it was entirely enamored of the slavegirl concept. Certainly that's true in some fics set in the pokegirl world. In the interest of fairness here's a brief look at the flip side.  
  
------------  
  
Ranma tried to control his breathing.  
  
Since coming to this damn world, right after running like blazes from the panda that had been his father, Ranma had dreamed of escaping.  
  
"There's a patrol coming, quiet," advised Isaac.   
  
The human boy nodded and watched as the women went by. They were obviously looking for the escaped slaves.  
  
"Quickly now," said Isaac, gesturing. "We'll only have one chance at this."  
  
The dimension traveller ducked after the mouse-type and tried not to get his hopes up.  
  
Seven years since he'd shown up.  
  
Six years since he'd been paraded around in a cage as the "pre-Linda" human male through most of the Beauty League.  
  
Five years since the pit fighting circuit he'd been put on once the novelty of his appearance had worn off. He'd started fighting "furries" like Stallions and Minotaurs, graduated to Hunks and Jocks, and finally gone up against the more powerful enhanceds. He'd lost a *lot* of fights, but never been killed and then he'd started winning fights.  
  
Four years since he'd been beaten so badly that it had looked like he'd be demoted to field worker. He just hadn't been handsome enough for bedslave duty, and unlike his first friend in this world - not useful enough if rendered to parts.  
  
Three years since the best friend he'd had since coming here - a mouse-type named Gyro, had ended up killed and "rendered." Gyro had had such soft and silky fur. One of the Mistresses had fancied it. Some had gone into her boots, some into her gloves, she'd made a toilet seat cover out of the rest. Gyro, the gentle soul who had offered Ranma part of his dinner that first year in the pits, had screamed for hours.  
  
Two years since Ranma had learned that for all pokeboys being unable to harm their Mistresses, for all their programmed obedience, that there was indeed an Underground.  
  
One year since Ranma Saotome had quietly vanished into that Underground.  
  
In all that time he'd learned many things.  
  
That in 1994, a woman named Linda McKenzie had broken into a lab and understood the possibilities of what she had found and brought others in on the strange technologies uncovered. That in 1995 a worldwide plague had been released by a splinter group of radical feminists. That in 1997, there was less than a thousand male humans left alive.  
  
In 1999, the New World Order came to power. The few remaining males had been rounded up "for their own protection" - though the knowledge that they'd been quietly eliminated after that hadn't been known until over a generation later.  
  
This was a world where womyn ruled. Pokeboys had first been released as a surrogate male for those womyn who still preferred the company of males for some things. As that number decreased - slave labor was the usual destination.  
  
Males weren't human after all. Not as beautiful or intelligent or compassionate or inherently correct as womyn were. Males were animals, necessary for the first part of womyn's evolution - but they were past that stage now. It didn't do to get too affectionate with one's animals - spoiling one's pet or slave gave them strange ideas.  
  
Most males were put to death as soon as their usefulness was outlived.  
  
Yes, Ranma had gotten quite an education.  
  
Following Isaac and the others, Ranma knew darn well that the mouse-type and this group had a less than selfless motive for assisting him. If this worked, Ranma would return home. Not alone though. Not by a long shot.  
  
These wanted out. Some wore the special collars womyn had developed that locked around their necks. A touch on a special button, and a little set of injectors would spear into tender flesh and release a deadly quick acting poison. Ranma had been trained with a collar that used a pain-causing poison. He'd been trained to do farm work, and to fight, and to do domestic work for the Mistresses.  
  
IF a door could be opened, Ranma could escape before his collar would be activated. He could even remove it fairly easily. Back in his home universe, he could potentially survive beyond the age of forty. Back in his home universe, he wouldn't be property. Neither would Isaac or the others.  
  
After a long slow crawl, Ranma realized Isaac had stopped in the room ahead. Cautiously, he continued on - having learned long ago that the women were capable of setting traps - it was their preferred way of doing things in fact.  
  
A couple of the big muscular Jocks were standing around, looking as befuddled as ever. Developed for a low body fat percentage, a lot of muscle mass, and an IQ barely better than a box of rocks, the Jocks were essentially weightlifters with the minds of children. Independent thought was rare for them and usually signs of a "defective model". One of the two actually *was* a defective model - Jock 42 looked identical to all the other Jocks but was actually just fairly dumb as opposed to a complete moron.  
  
The Studs were something else. None of them made it into the Underground. With their sexual organs so huge and their insatiable sexdrives, all a woman would have to do was ask one question and he'd babble off all their secrets to get a chance in the sack.  
  
Nerds were rarer. Partly because they were carefully watched to prevent them from showing signs of independence. Partly because they weren't as useful outside of their specialty. Most Ladies had a pokeballed Nerd, but only let him out when she really needed something of a technical nature done.  
  
That there were three Nerds in the room wasn't a surprise to Ranma. Nearly the entire Underground was now here in the room. Isaac the Mouseboy - a genius by the standards of his race. The Nerds who only had number designates officially but secretly had given themselves names long ago: Adam, Joe, and Marcus. The other Mouseboys: Dan, Keron, Hika, Squee, and Bar. The Dogsoldier Stinky.   
  
With Ranma's arrival, Isaac began hooking up the equipment. After a tense moment the Mouseboy broke out in a grin. "It works. I've got his quantum variance isolated. Powering up the gateway."  
  
The tension cut from the air and several of the pokeboys sagged in obvious relief.  
  
Ranma glanced over at one of the few friends he'd made since arrival. Keron essayed a smile. "Is it nice to be free, Ranma?"  
  
"Yeah, it's great," reassured Ranma. When he'd first seen Keron he'd thought that Gyro had somehow escaped. Not completely intact, but escaped.   
  
"Keron misses Mistress, she wasn't bad as far as Mistresses go," said Keron with his remaining eye tearing up. "She let me go rather than put me to sleep."  
  
"Yeah," said Ranma. Most girls were so concerned with appearances that they'd never do something nice for a guy because of how it would look. Keron's former Mistress had turned him loose after a visiting guest had torn half his face off when he'd tripped and spilled soup on her. Rather than put the "defective and disfigured" Mouseboy "to sleep" as was normal, he'd been told to go find the Underground.  
  
"Keron wonder if Mistress is all right," Keron said sadly. "Ranma, promise me."  
  
"Promise you what, Keron?" Ranma's attention was mainly on the doorframe now humming with power.  
  
"If Mistress is in your world, you'll check and make sure she's OK? She risk much to help Keron. She nice to Keron when other Mistress not look." Keron looked up at the taller human. "You promise?"  
  
"I don't even know her name or what she looks like," protested Ranma. "Besides, why can't you do it?"  
  
"Keron not good at fighting," said the Mouseboy, limping slightly as he moved to get a better look at their hopes forming in the doorframe. "Mistress named Hotaru. Hotaru Tomoe."  
  
"Hmmm," said Ranma as the glow increased until he could see a distorted scene through the doorway.  
  
"EVERYONE SURRENDER! RESISTANCE IS USELESS!"  
  
One of the Jocks immediately hit the ground and began blubbering. Ranma leapt through the doorframe as the womyn burst through the chamber.  
  
Ranma hit the dirt on the other side and leapt to the side. Now he had a clear view of anyone following him. All that time pit fighting had not been a waste: he could kill and had done so in the past with a single punch.  
  
Keron staggered through the doorframe, a dart showing on his back. Shortly after that the swirling doorway produced a gout of flame as one of Isaac's explosives went off.  
  
Ranma lowered Keron to the ground, pulling the poison dart away in disgust.   
  
"Did we make it?" Keron's eye wasn't focussed on anything in particular. "Are we there?"  
  
The martial artist had come to terms with things like emotions over the past few years. "Yeah, Keron. We made it."  
  
"Keron free?"  
  
"Yup. No womyn anywhere nearby."  
  
The Mouseboy couldn't see the tears in his friend's eyes obviously. "Ranma was right. Freedom beautiful. Keron happy."  
  
Ranma held his friend briefly, then laid him down and closed that staring eye. "Yeah, Keron. Beautiful."  
  
"RANMA! You worthless boy, where have you... been... hiding..." Genma's voice slowed to a stop as he saw the monster lying on the ground. Admittedly it was only four and a half feet tall, but the humanoid mouse had to be a monster, didn't it?  
  
"Later, Pops. I gotta give a friend a send off at least. Lemmee see your camp shovel."  
  
Genma was briefly silent, watching as his son dug a grave swiftly with what looked like very practiced strokes. Which was when he noticed something else. "Ranma! You're crying like some little girl! Urk!"  
  
Ranma had lifted his father up, one hand clutching the heavier man's throat. "Don't you *ever* call me that again, old man!"  
  
--------------  
  
Genma had considered broaching the nearby training ground of Jusenkyo.  
  
Genma had considered insulting his son and trying to get him to spar.  
  
Genma had considered asking a lot of questions of *why* Ranma had been gone for maybe fifteen minutes only to show up again five years older, leaner, meaner, and weeping over some furred monster.  
  
Genma was an idiot in many things and in many ways. However he was not without his points. Life with the Master had increased his danger sense levels. The appearance of that *thing* had been enough to shock Genma into actually using the sort of intelligence that had come up with the Yamasenken and Umisenken.  
  
Fact: Ranma was older, tougher, and carried himself as a "manslayer." Not an assassin, but as someone who had routinely been involved in life-and-death bloodsport and had come out scarred but alive. It was in the eyes - not the eyes of an easily bullied or inexperienced youth, but someone who could kill without a qualm and had done so.  
  
Fact: Ranma had shed tears about the "monster" and had gone to great trouble to not only dig the grave but then conceal it. Not a casual emotionless calm killer then.  
  
Fact: Ranma's shirt coming off to dry it had revealed scars. Ranma had been whipped. Quite a few times over a long period. There were fewer along his front than his back, but there were a few there too.  
  
Fact: When Genma had mentioned a tribe of women warriors nearby, the elder Saotome could feel the palpable hatred in the air. Genma had backpedaled by saying that women warriors couldn't have anything special. Ranma had disagreed and had gone on in long detail about the vicious sex. Heck, they weren't *that* bad. Well, not all of them. Once you got out of civilization, some of them might be a bit like that.  
  
Conclusion? Genma didn't have a clue. Nothing made any sense.  
  
So there was only one thing to do. Drag Ranma off to see the Tendos, once there he'd announce the marriage. Soun would have raised a nice, gentle, traditional girl - who could then convince Ranma that whatever he had against women wasn't applicable.  
  
Genma nodded to himself. A perfect plan.  
  
----------  
  
Ranma sat there almost as still as if he'd been turned to stone. Finally he turned to his father and said in a clear calm voice: "You're shitting me."  
  
Kasumi looked offended. Nabiki and Akane shut up. Even Soun stopped weeping.  
  
"Ranma, you will do this, it is a matter of family honor," said Genma with a trace of nervousness. Ranma had really changed and the more time Genma had observed his son the more this change had become obvious. Ranma was rarely light-hearted now, seldom optimistic, and not terribly friendly. He *should* have been desperate for a friend and unsure of himself around women - a situation where Genma could easily predict and control the boy's reactions.   
  
Shock turned to darn near murderous rage in a heartbeat. "Ain't no *way*. Bad enough you drag me here like this, but then you decide I'm some slave to be bred?!"  
  
"Uhm..." Nabiki wanted to point out that this was just some arranged marriage and nobody was talking about slavery. Then again, maybe there was something going on she didn't know about?  
  
Akane heard the slave comment and growled, misinterpreting it. "Pervert."  
  
"I'm leaving, oyaji. You can stay here and 'unite the families' on your own." Ranma got up and suited action to words, ignoring the protests and insults sent in his wake. Honestly, auctioned off to one of three girls like a piece of meat. He'd thought that in his home reality things would be different but it looked like the same sort of crap went on - it just wasn't as obvious.  
  
Well, he didn't need nobody and some *girl* ordering him around wasn't going to be any better here than there.   
  
--------  
  
Two years later:  
  
Trust. Such a fragile thing.  
  
He'd heard of a girl named Hotaru Tomoe, had investigated, and had been prepared to believe that this girl was different from the rest.   
  
When she was threatened, he'd been there - ready to run to her rescue at a moment's notice. Silence Glaive and all to the side, she was still Hotaru. Still the fragile young girl that Keron had spoken of so often. *His* Mistress had been different, *his* Mistress had actually shown she was capable of overcoming her man-hating culture, *his* Mistress had been able to see past maleness and furriness and see a person.  
  
Ranma had begun opening up around these others, just a little. They defended the world. Okay, the monsters looked silly and had stupid attacks. Frankly the whole "magic kingdom" schtick struck Ranma as being pretty lame. Still, they were protectors and warriors and fought for male and female alike. So he'd backed them up when he could, using skills honed through long combat as a pit fighter and then the local street-fighting circuit. Hey, it paid the bills and it was familiar work.  
  
Now this.  
  
"What do you mean, you're gonna rule the world someday?" Ranma glared at Meatball-head and her boy-toy.  
  
Usagi didn't like the way the old angry Ranma had seemed to return upon hearing an innocent comment about Crystal Tokyo. "Uhm... Well, that's what everyone says. And Chibi-usa comes from the future where I'm Queen and Mamo-chan is my Consort..."  
  
"I take it that yer Senshi are the royal guards and stuff?" Ranma frowned. "So it's some woman-ruled queendom? What do you do with guys in this future?"  
  
Usagi winced. Ranma had told Hotaru about the world he'd come from. Hotaru had told Ami. Ami had informed everyone else. Haruka and Michiru had thought that this other world sounded interesting. Everyone else had been properly horrified. "Uhm, well, I don't know..."  
  
"Ya don't know?" Ranma got up, ignoring the glares from some of the Senshi (how dare he talk like that to Usagi?!) to winces from the others (how could we have *not* been more curious about what Crystal Tokyo was really like?) to ready to transform and unleash attacks (Haruka and Michiru). "I think ya had better consider that real careful, Tsukino. I've seen a lotta crap since I got back, and I sure ain't contributing in anything that'll make *this* world like *that* one."  
  
Ami decided to play mediator *before* Haruka could make things worse this time. "You know, I think Ranma has a good point. We should decide some basic issues *before* Crystal Tokyo comes around, don't you agree?"  
  
-----------  
  
Ukyo wasn't sure what to make of this.  
  
Ranma had been happy to see his old buddy. Ranma had need of a friend. Ranma was a misogynist. Not gay, but completely untrusting of women and apt to emphasize their bad qualities.  
  
Ranma had also been quite capable of beating her silly, then using a couple of fenders from a car wrecking yard to tie her into place. That had been quite impressive.  
  
If Ranma learned that his "old buddy" was actually a girl, Ukyo wasn't sure she'd live five minutes past that discovery. If Ranma Saotome had any trust left in him, you could fit it into an eggcup with room to spare.  
  
While pondering this potentially painful problem, Ukyo had run into this little girl with purple eyes looking for "big brother Ranma" and the weirdness factor had escalated dramatically.  
  
Oh sure, Ukyo could reveal that she was a she and destroy what was left of Ranma's ability to trust. Ukyo could get her revenge that way before she was suddenly and spectacularly splattered across the landscape. Ukyo might be a violent obsessive, but she wasn't stupid and could all too easily see those hands that had demonstrated a "punch through an engine block" strike hitting her in the chest. Or maybe he'd rip her arms and legs out of their sockets in the same manner he'd disabled that crane. Getting one's revenge was good, but it was better to find a way to survive that revenge with all one's bodily parts still attached.   
  
Besides, from the sound of it, the hell Ranma and his father had put her through was *nothing* compared to what Ranma had gone through. And purple-eyes had confirmed that there was something to it.  
  
Heck, just seeing Ranma bathing - those scars. Other than his face, Ukyo wondered if there was a square inch of his body that hadn't been burned or pierced or whipped to the point where skin had the consistency of wet toilet paper. Then healed slowly and reopened again and again from the look of it.  
  
No, the flame of hate in Ukyo's heart had gutted when she'd seen physical evidence that her target had gone through tortures beyond anything that she herself would have inflicted. She could have seen killing Ranma and Genma. Putting anyone through *that* level of torture? Ukyo had some kinky fantasies but there were limits.  
  
Ukyo let out a deep breath. There was only one thing she could do. Go after Genma and get the hell away from Ranma. If she wanted to die there were far less painful methods to be around the walking timebomb that was Ranma Saotome - sooner or later everything he'd gone through would erupt and she didn't want to be anywhere near ground zero when it did.  
  
--------  
  
The decision had been made. There had been a lot of arguing and it was the closest thing to a civil war between Outer and Inner Senshi - beating out even some of the things that had occurred during the Pharoah 90 skirmishes.  
  
Crystal Tokyo was the best hope for the world. For peace and safety. If the male gender had to be "put in their place" then that's the way it had to be.  
  
Of course, they all well knew what Ranma's reaction would be on learning this. Which meant that Ranma would have to be dealt with or they'd have someone sniping at them from the sidelines whose power level was sufficient that he *could* potentially kill any of them.  
  
Another potential civil war had erupted, but that Chibi-usa would cease to be if they didn't go along with it was able to cause the Inners to back down.  
  
Mamoru had also been excluded from this discussion as he might object to this whole thing or that he'd end up less a prince than a male concubine - and only one of Neo-Serenity's lovers. Even with Chibi-usa's life a hostage, he might decide the cost too high.  
  
As the argument began winding down, a figure seperated from the shrine office to fade into visibility several blocks away. Ranma glanced back at the shrine once before turning his back on the Senshi and their future figuratively and literally. Obviously he couldn't face them all head-on and if he tried picking them off one by one he couldn't get all of them before they ended his threat.  
  
Right now he was the only thing standing between them and this "Crystal Tokyo" thing. That would have to change but where was he to get allies that could stand against the likes of the Senshi? That Pluto chick could travel through time, Mercury had that computer, Mars could get glimpses of the future. The rest of them were fighters with those elemental magic attacks.  
  
Ranma considered this and realized there was only one place he could think of that would give him allies able to stand against the Senshi's powers. The problem was he had no idea how to get there from here.   
  
Which meant that it had to be entirely done by him. Lousy odds though, particularly as he didn't want to kill any of the Senshi. Well, maybe those two Outers.  
  
The problem was finding an alternative.  
  
-------  
  
They had fallen. One by one, weaknesses exploited and dealt with.  
  
Ami Mizuno - vanished on a trip to Bangkok for a chess tournament.  
  
Setsuna Meiou - missing for six months before someone realized she wasn't at the Gates Of Time.  
  
Rei Hino - who had called a meeting of the Senshi, stating she'd just had a prophetic dream. When everyone had met at the shrine there had been no sign of Sailor Mars.  
  
That had been enough to alarm the rest of the Senshi, especially when the gas bombs had gone off and tranquilizer darts had filled the air around the shrine. During the confusion Sailor Neptune had disappeared.  
  
They had huddled in a circle waiting for the next attack for nearly an hour before it had become obvious even to Sailor Moon that this was not how the war would be played. This enemy knew their secret identities, their powers, and their weaknesses. He could and would strike in ways that bypassed their defenses and maximized his chances for taking them out.  
  
When Usagi got home that night she found a letter on her pillow and it had been all she could do not to scream.  
  
Luna had been captured. None of the Senshi had been killed. Abandon Crystal Tokyo or else. There was more but those were the major points.  
  
Usagi had gotten even more panicked when her Sailor Communicator had failed to be able to contact Hotaru/Saturn. Haruka at this point was practically frothing at the mouth. Ami tried to point out that if the situation was reversed, Haruka would have adopted the same tactics. Haruka did not agree, to put it very politely.  
  
Three days of little sleep and nerves growing ever more on edge followed. Any little noise could be a creeping assassin. Any moving shadow an enemy. Any sudden motion causing near heart attacks or a girl beating on the source of said movement. Which caused a lot of people to remark on the violence displayed by some of these girls, or that they had done something terribly wrong if they were feeling *that* guilty about something.  
  
Artemis vanished on the fourth day. Minako went into hysterics and collapsed from nervous exhaustion shortly thereafter. That night, while she was being watched by Makoto, Minako was apparently spirited away.  
  
Sailor Uranus, Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Moon, and Tuxedo Mask settled into guard positions. Nobody went anywhere without a guard - even to the bathroom. When Tuxedo Mask left to investigate a noise and failed to return, the three remaining started throwing attacks around at anything that moved. Which resulted in some birds getting fried and Usagi's little brother getting hospitalized when he tried to find out what was going on with his crybaby big sister.  
  
Exhaustion took its toll. Sailor Jupiter's place was empty in the morning.  
  
Uranus would never give up, never say die. Moon was tired, emotionally and physically. If she had had a towel at hand she would have thrown it in.  
  
Uranus left Moon upon hearing something crashing in another part of the apartment. Uranus, predictably, didn't come back.  
  
Moon calmly and quietly announced her surrender. Finding a dignity in extreme situations that she lacked in day to day affairs.  
  
--------  
  
Crystal Tokyo faded, the Distopian dream coming to an ending.  
  
Another future began. One far less clean and perfect perhaps, but one where individual decisions still could count for something.  
  
As for Ranma, perhaps he still wanders the world - finding those oppressed and abused and fighting in their cause.  
  
Perhaps.  
  
============= 


	16. a fatherly omake

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE  
  
Yet another different father omake...  
  
--------  
  
Ranma flopped down at the chair to sit lazily and regard the professor. "Yeah yeah, I know this stuff already. Yeesh. In 1979, a splinter group of some American political group called NOW held a press conference and announced they had released a virus to 'free women from the oppression of males' by killing off the male gender. Everybody thought it was a good laugh until guys started droppin' in the streets. And so on and so forth."  
  
"Except that it only affected six out of ten males," corrected the Professor. "A forty percent survival rate wasn't what the group NOWT had desired, but by that time their organization had tried to go underground to try again except that *all* radical feminists had then been painted with the same brush. Both by surviving males and by the various women who did not share their views and had lost sons and husbands and fathers. They might have weathered this in the United States, which is odd to downright bizarre by the standards of the rest of the world, but the virus killing off as many worldwide as it did meant that everybody else ganged up on the Americans in a series of reprisals for allowing their own problems to fester while minding everyone else's business. NOWT was hunted down and killed like the rabid madwomen they were. In any case, Mister Saotome, what can you tell me about the virus mutation?"  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "The virus caused mutations in some of the guys who survived it. Roughly half became Amplifiers, and the rest learned Talents of their own like Empathy or Teek or Ki." Demonstrating, Ranma held out his hand and bright blue traceries of fire stirred the air as he summoned his power.  
  
"And some, like yourself, are both Amplifiers *and* Talented," commented the Professor.  
  
"What can I say?" Ranma grinned and shut down the flames around his hand. "I'm damn good."  
  
"What was more odd was that the mutation of the virus affected women too. But it is only when they are boosted by an Amplifier that their own potentials can be unlocked."  
  
Ranma made a dismissing gesture. Like he cared about that? It required a positive emotional link, friendship or more, to be able to Amplify some chick to where her own Talents were measurable. He hadn't gotten close to anyone - lots of guys growing up during or after the Plague were a little skittish about women and had something called a 'repressed libido' - like they were supposed to be perverts or something? Pfeh.  
  
"Ranma, your Ki powers are quite good, but your potential as an Amplifier is far greater." The Professor sat back in her chair and regarded the young man. "When your ratings were published, there was quite a bit of response."  
  
Ranma shrugged.  
  
"Did you know that your father had engaged you to several different women?"  
  
(THUD!) "Huh?!"  
  
Waiting until Ranma had recovered from what looked like a massively painful facefault, the Professor continued. "According to a survivor named Soun Tendo, a Hydrokinetic, Genma Saotome made an arrangement that you were to marry one of his daughters. Another girl - Ukyo Kuonji, indicates she was engaged to you fairly early on. We also have a request from both a Shampoo of Joketsuzoku regarding your stop at her village a few years ago."  
  
"Shampoo?" Ranma still looked a bit dazed. "Purple hair? Reddish eyes? Likes to make her own doorways?"  
  
"That's her," confirmed the Professor. "That's not counting the forty-seven requests for an omiai regarding you."  
  
(THUD!) "Wha?!"  
  
Professor Nodoka Saotome smiled at her student. "Ah, Ranma. I'm so proud of you."  
  
--------  
  
Ranma looked over the profiles and frowned. "These are what I gotta work with? Man, I'm doomed."  
  
"You don't think they'll last on the Contest Circuit?" Sukebe asked his adopted son.   
  
"Not even," said Ranma.  
  
"Perhaps if you could Bond with one or two, though that's unlikely." The Professor made a dismissing gesture. In order to Bond and amplify someone's Talent, you had to have trust and a certain degree of like. It wasn't possible to force a bond, and many of those men growing up during and just after the Plague had an ingrained distrust of the female gender. To make a full Bond, one had to be able to fully trust the other. Women hadn't trusted men for at least the quarter-and-change century he'd been alive, and any old illusions of "sugar and spice" or "the gentle sex" had died a harsh death during NOWT's attempted genocide.  
  
"Tell me about it," grumbled Ranma. "You got any vids on these losers?"  
  
Professor Jim Sukebe clicked a remote. "The first one is that Chinese girl of yours, Shampoo. When the slaughter of males began, her village attempted to spread their own influence - as they had long devalued their own men."  
  
"Lotta good that did 'em," said Ranma, watching the screen. "Yeah if the Chinese government hadn't used missiles, they might'a been able to do some damage to ground troops coming in. I met up with Shampoo in what was left of their village. They'd gotten a few craters, then the Chinese troops used slash and burn tactics. More'n three quarters of their 'nation' were dead before they surrendered. That ain't the way they tell it though, they say it was all a mistake and the Chinese thought they was in cahoots with them NOWT bitches."  
  
"So what about Shampoo? Think you could take her on as her trainer?"  
  
Ranma considered briefly. "Maybe. Maybe not. She's fast and strong, but stubborn as all get out and really damn sneaky. Nah."  
  
The video of Shampoo fighting in an arena was replaced with a boyish looking girl scowling as she hefted a large hammer. She immediately began charging in to some sort of large melee.  
  
"This one is Akane Tendo. Location: Nerima Japan. Self proclaimed Heir to the Tendo Anything Goes martial arts school, a sister school to your own." The Professor paused the display as the girl punched some cheerleader right between the pom-poms.  
  
"Rank beginner," responded Ranma. "No grace at all. Some fair strength and it looks like she uses anger to focus her attacks. Don't need anyone running around with a chip on her shoulder. Reminds me too much of that guy back in Middle School. Ryo-something."  
  
The Professor nodded and clicked another clip up. "Here we have someone you might recognize."  
  
"Ucchan? He's a girl?" Ranma scowled at yet another betrayal.  
  
"Yup, one of your supposed fiances." The Professor showed the girl being run out of town as a "transvestite" - a woman who pretended to be male in order to get special treatment. "She's gotten into trouble with that crossdressing habit of hers. Something about her promise to be a boy until you could make her a woman or something like that."  
  
"Sick," pronounced Ranma. "Yeesh. Show me one gal who has at least got a halfway chance of being something on the Circuit. I can at least prove my martial arts that way - by training a winner. They don't let guys fight no more. We're too 'valuable'. Buncha garbage THAT."  
  
"No doubt," admitted the Professor. Frankly he only had a few that he might think were suitable. "How about this one?"  
  
Ranma blinked and sat back. "Oh. Now *she* is cute." Then with the usual reactions of a post-plague teenage boy followed with the usual question. "But what's her personality like?"  
  
"Shy. Intelligent. Not very developed physically."  
  
Ranma grinned. "I can take care of *that* easy enough. She don't look like the type to try the Circuit. More the librarian type."  
  
"According to the interview here, she wants to become a doctor." Professor Sukebe checked his sheaf of notes. "During the riots following the Plague and the gaps in certain industries because of the loss of personnel, there was a pretty big fire that swept through a lot of Tokyo. Apparently the young lady lost her mother and their home. Her father isn't apparently much of a parent. In order to not only support herself but to make it through medical school, she's trying to get into the Circuit."  
  
Ranma watched the girl on the screen pick up a bladed polearm and clumsily try to defend herself. "I'll have to meet with her but this one might do."  
  
"Hmmm?" Sukebe glanced sideways at Ranma then back to the screen where the girl in question was getting pounded by her opponent. "She's the least combat ready of all of them. Why?"  
  
"She's got a motive that makes sense," pointed out Ranma. "She'll probably only be in the Circuit for a year or two, right? She's gonna want to train heavily, then win some major victories to bankroll the bulk of her education. See how she's badly overmatched but clearly won't give up in that clip? She's got the drive to succeed at all costs, which is somethin' she's gonna need just to get through my training. If she 'evolves' so much the better, but ya can't count on that."  
  
Sukebe nodded, seeing another point as well. "Besides, if you take someone that hopeless on and make them a champion, you'll have already established your reputation and you can get into a higher level than pit-fights with your next girl."  
  
"That's true too," admitted Ranma. "So what's this girl's name, anyway?"  
  
"Kasumi Tendo," said the Professor.  
  
On the screen, the determined nineteen year old continued to struggle to stay in the fight.  
  
---------  
  
WHAT IF SUKEBE HAD BEEN RANMA'S FATHER?  
***an altiverse exploration/omake by Gregg Sharp  
  
---------  
  
This was another attempt to rework the "pokegirls" concept without going into that world, and to come up with a very different "Ranma Meets The Tendos" scene.  
  
Still a bit too close to WH&Pg for comfort, but a fairly different setting, ne?  
  
Oh, and for the odd thought that started this:  
  
--------  
  
Kasumi stepped back, idly wiping a trail of blood from her mouth.   
  
"Okay, Kasumi!" Ranma was yelling from the sidelines. "It's time. DIGIVOLVE!"  
  
Kasumi felt the link between them explode with power, lifting her up to twirl briefly. Wings expanding outward around her to snap open and hold her without apparent effort in midair. Her blade staff shot from the sand floor of the arena to her hand where the blade ignited. "Kasumi digivolve to: Angewomon." If only Ranma trusted her completely, she might be able to reach Ultimate status. Ah, well. Such was life.  
  
"Ha! We can do that too," shouted the other side's Amplifier. "Hinako. DIGIVOLVE!"  
  
Her opponent leapt into the air, glowing as the power swept through her. Hinako landed again, looking considerably older and more attractive. "Hinako digivolve to: Vampyre!"  
  
Now the real battle could begin.  
  
========== 


	17. a bunny sort of omake

The three-eyed being considered. "Worse father than Ranma, eh? How about..."  
  
"STOP! STOP! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BUDDY!"  
  
Everyone present (currently a black cat, Shiva, a minor goddess named Exe, and Sif) all smirked slightly at the person storming up to them.  
  
After the Bet and this current series of simulations, it was easily predictable that sooner or later *he* would show up.  
  
Ranma glared at the pool, then at those present. "This kinda crap is..."  
  
"A divergence among thousands of other possibilities," suggested Toltiir.  
  
Ranma looked everywhere *except* at the c-c-c-c- furry thing. "I just heard about some lame ass simulation: 'What If Ranma's Father Had Been James Bond'? What kinda crap is THAT?"  
  
"You were raised to be a hell-on-wheels martial artist, smart, sophisticated, and with a suite of superspy skills other spies could only envy. What exactly was wrong with that?" Exe looked puzzled. That had been her own contribution and she couldn't understand why the boy was so upset by such a simulation.  
  
"Yeah, and I ended up meeting the Tendos and who did I end up with? None of them! Ukyo? Shampoo? Never even met 'em. I end up with some gal I've never heard of before!" Ranma ranted as if this had been some great crime inflicted upon him.  
  
"And your point is?" asked Toltiir, neutralizing Ranma's fear of cats because it was not currently amusing.   
  
Ranma glared at the feline. "This crap about different fathers is nuts. If me and Akane got a break about..."  
  
Toltiir now looked exactly like Doctor Leonard McCoy from the original Star Trek and was moving a salt shaker up and down the paralyzed Ranma. "Hmmm. I thought so. This one is from one of those universes where he has severe brain damage, ends up married to Akane Tendo, and she kills her baby by shaking it to death when she reverts to pattern. Guilt has Ranma worshipping Akane after she's committed to the Shemp Institute. I have a solution."  
  
"What's that?" Ranma asked after being un-paralyzed.  
  
"Prove you can do better," challenged Toltiir. "Unless, of course, you're afraid."  
  
Ranma hemmed and hawwed and blustered, but the challenge had been made. He picked up a stone and threw it. It didn't have martial arts in front of it, so the stone bounced off one of the Well's rimstones, carommed off a pillar, flipped through the air, and eventually slammed down onto the top of Ranma's head. Then it bounced into the well.  
  
"Oh crap," said Ranma, summing it up quite nicely as he saw the changes taking place.  
  
---------  
  
Genma decided that Nodoka would spoil the boy, her motherly affection would cause Ranma to miss his full potential as a warrior.  
  
Of course, that was hardly the truth or the full story. Genma hated drudgery, hated work, hated a woman telling him what to do or how much he could drink.  
  
Hated seeing a swirling gateway appear and suck Ranma through.  
  
Genma blinked, looked down at his bottle, then back at the empty campsite, then finally back at the bottle again. "Then again, maybe Nodoka has a point."  
  
-------  
  
Ten years, eleven months, three weeks later:  
  
Genma sighed deeply. He'd only been reunited with Ranma for the better part of two days and he was more than dubious about how this would all work out.  
  
"So this is Ranma?" Nabiki looked over the tall lean boy with a practiced eye. "Interesting." What she actually thought was *Yummy!*  
  
"Hmmph!" Akane commented. "Are you sure he's a martial artist?"  
  
"Sure I'm sure," said Ranma by reply, waggling his eyebrows. "I'm a martial artiste, among other things. Here, my card!" (Rapid throw technique.)  
  
"Oh my. 'Ranma Saotome, PhD, DoD, RSVP, COD'?" Kasumi blinked at the business card suddenly in her hands.  
  
"Hmmmm. 'Ranma Saotome, marital artist'? Sounds *very* interesting," purred Nabiki.  
  
Akane glanced down at the business card briefly, then deliberately ripped it in half. "REAL martial artists don't carry business cards. Especially ones that read 'Ranma Saotome, Acme School Of Martial Arts.' What kind of idiot school is that anyway?"  
  
Ranma put on a wounded expression and acted mortally wounded. "Ah. Dear me. The mademoiselle has insulted me and my school of martial artistry. There of course can be no recourse now but ze deul." Ranma took a white glove out of somewhere and slapped Akane in the face with it.   
  
*CLANG!*  
  
Akane dropped.  
  
Ranma looked puzzled, shook the glove, and looked very surprised when a large anvil fell (incidently landing on Akane) out of it. "However did *that* get in there?" (Innocent look.)  
  
"OOoooo," began Akane looking at the little birdies. She shook her head, realized there actually *were* little birdies flying around her, and swung her arms to knock them away. "You won't catch me unawares in the dojo."  
  
"The dojo it is," agreed Ranma, looking solemn and adjusting his samurai armor. "Ah, death is lighter than a banana, duty heavier than an uncute tomboy."  
  
Nabiki blinked. Where had he gotten that armor from?  
  
Akane scowled. "That's 'death is lighter than a feather, duty is heavier than a mountain' you moron!"  
  
"That's right! Give the girl a cigar!" Ranma stuffed a cigar in Akane's mouth and put a little graduation cap on her head. "Tell the girl what she's won!"  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
Akane's face was blackened and her hair smouldering after the cigar exploded. She blinked comically for a moment.  
  
Ranma was wearing a suit and tie now, and speaking into a microphone. "Why our lovely contestant here has won free dance lessons!"  
  
"You! You! You!" Akane wasn't quite sure what to say so she'd let her fingers do the walking. Reaching out and strangling this guy wasn't a martial arts manuever, but it would sure make her feel a lot better.  
  
Ranma batted aside the grasping fingers, spun Akane through a high speed pirouette, and then let her go so that he could set up a stereo in the corner.  
  
Nabiki wondered where the stereo had come from, also Ranma's tuxedo, as well as Akane's Playboy Bunny suit.  
  
"EEEEEK!" Akane had just discovered what she was wearing.  
  
"Non non non," chided Ranma in a thick French accent. "Zis will never do. Zee mademoiselle should try for zomething with a leetle more dignity, oui?"  
  
(SPIN) clown suit (SPIN) leather dominatrix outfit (SPIN) some sort of pink dress with way too many ruffles and bows to be anything but "gag me" cute (SPIN) dressed as a member of the Dirty P... (ahem) Lovely Angels (SPIN) A tight tuxedo that nonetheless managed to look fairly good on her "no, not quite right" (SPIN) catgirl costume (SPIN) sailor senshi seifuku (SPIN) "AH! Perfect, mam'selle is ready."  
  
Dizzy and feeling as if she were going to puke, Akane tried to steady herself against a wall.  
  
Nabiki looked at the pile of discarded clothing and wondered if Akane would mind if she "borrowed" a few outfits.  
  
Akane finally oriented enough to look down and gasped. Motion caught her eye and she noticed the full length mirror Ranma had somehow whipped out of a pocket. She was wearing a high collared yellow silk Chinese dress decorated with delicately embroidered flowers, high heels of the same color, and elegant looking silk gloves that came to just above her elbow. Her makeup had been expertly done to look elegant and sexy, and her hair had been piled up and pinned with an ornamental hairclip. Akane continued to stare, entranced with this vision of herself as beautiful sexy and quite tastefully done. "Hah?!"  
  
Ranma smiled as he inspected her. Then turned his attention to the other two.  
  
Kasumi "oh my"ed a lot as she took in her own burgandy version of Akane's current wear, and Nabiki snapped a Chinese fan open as she crowded Akane away from the mirror to inspect her own outfit in shades of blue. "Hmmm."  
  
"GAK!" Ranma managed as a pair of outraged feminine hands finally found his neck.   
  
"YOU PERVERT!" Akane growled, looking somewhat less elegant as she went into a fury. "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS FIGHT THAT EASY!"  
  
Ranma abruptly slid out of Akane's grip. "Okay, okay. Sheesh! What a grouch!"  
  
(SPIN!) Akane lurched out of this high speed piroutte. "You won't catch me that way... again?!"  
  
Ranma stared comically. This wasn't that noticeable as everyone else was staring as well.  
  
Akane had gotten disrobed but had broken free before the re-robing part had occurred. She was, therefore, naked. "EEEEEEK!" (Zoom!)(Slam!)  
  
"Oh well, I'll be in the dojo waiting for our fight," said Ranma.  
  
Kasumi and Nabiki looked thoughtful, then went to their rooms to change clothes.  
  
-------  
  
WHAT IF BUGS BUNNY HAD RAISED RANMA? an omake by Gregg Sharp  
  
-------  
  
"Well, which of your daughters should we engage to Ranma?" Genma asked.  
  
Ranma passed by doing a Russian step dance. He was juggling Akane in midair with each kick.  
  
"I'm not sure, Saotome," replied Soun.  
  
"Get back here!" Akane yelled, carrying a stone lantern over her head and chasing a terrified (apparently) Ranma.  
  
Genma blinked. Why was Akane wearing a pink tutu? Oh well, best not to dwell on these things.  
  
"What exactly happened anyway?" Soun inquired.  
  
"Stop right there, you jerk!" Akane now had acquired a large mallet and was swinging wildly as she chased Ranma. She was also wearing a leather SS uniform.  
  
"I'm not sure, Tendo," said Genma.  
  
Ranma passed by, Akane slowed to a stop as she realized that the handle of her mallet was red? And why was it sputtering? Slowly she looked up, seeing a fuse disappearing into the shaft.  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
Standing in a blackened circle, the only thing not black and crispy looking on Akane were her wildly blinking eyes and the small patch of her hair that was on fire. She coughed and fell over after holding that pose briefly.  
  
A siren whooping sounded briefly, and the ambulance (about the size of a clown car) ran over Akane before coming to a stop. Out popped Ranma, wearing a Doctor's outfit. "Oh no! A patient! Just a moment!" At high speed he wrapped her up with bandages so that she resembled an extra in "The Mummy Family Reunion."  
  
"Mffff?" Akane woke up. "MFFFF! MMMMM! MMMMMF!"  
  
"Oh no! The patient is agitated. I have to use a sedative!" Ranma rooted around in his pants pockets briefly, pulled out a mallet marked "30t" and slammed it into Akane. Akane stopped moving. "Nurse!"  
  
Nabiki appeared, wearing a very short nurse outfit. Hey, it was better than being a patient! "Yes, doctor?"  
  
"The patient is resting now. She looks to have a serious case of uncute tomboy-itis with a side disorder of temper." Ranma tossed the mallet off to the side where it bonked Genma (accidently?) and pulled a clipboard out of another pocket.  
  
"Oh no, doctor," said Nabiki, playing her part to the hilt. She'd already seen that Akane hadn't been injured by any of this, so a little mischief wasn't too much to ask, was it? "Can she be cured?"  
  
Ranma hugged his nurse, pink light and sakura petals drifting down briefly. "There there, Nurse Nabiki! It's far too early in this skit to give up hope! I prescribe a morphine drip!"  
  
"Doctor, you shouldn't. You may have to operate later."  
  
Ranma sighed and hooked the drip up to the patient instead. "I suppose you're right. We don't have a donor for a cute transplant, that leaves us only one option!"  
  
"MMMrrFF!" Akane protested just before the morphine hit. "Mmmmmmm?! Hmmmm." Oh look at all the pretty colors!  
  
Kasumi, now wearing a similar doctor's outfit and an intern's badge, sidled up next to the ambulance and wondered if she'd get any decent lines. Well, at least she could remove the morphine drip before Akane got stoned out of her mind. "What option is that, Doctor?"  
  
"SURGERY!" Ranma declared, pulling an old handsaw, a set of C-clamps, a Clamp manga, and a sewing kit out of a pocket. "Ve vill perform ze surgery on ze fraulein and remove ze uncuteness."  
  
"MMMFFFF!" Akane preferred the pretty colors. Especially as she saw the saw being applied to her midsection.  
  
"Oh doctor," said Kasumi, noting that the handsaw was actually made of rubber and becoming less alarmed as a result, "do you think there's hope for her?"  
  
Pulling a pair of gastanks and a mask out of the ambulance, Ranma nodded. He quickly fixed the mask over Akane's face and turned the valve. "Never give up Hope, Intern Kasumi! He's one of my favorite comedians."  
  
Akane struggled briefly, especially as the gas feed was inflating her bandages. "HMMMM HMMMM!"  
  
"La de da la da da dee da daa," sang Ranma as he sharpened some steak knives.  
  
"Do you mind if I get a camera?" Nabiki inquired, as Ranma seemed not to notice Akane now puffed out and bobbing at the end of the hose like a balloon.  
  
"Oh my, Akane, you look uncomfortable there," said Kasumi, who helpfully slipped off the end of the hose.  
  
"MMMMFFFFFFF!" Akane protested this action as she began drifting up and away. The yard dwindling rapidly below her.  
  
"Well, I've never lost a patient before," said Ranma, staring up. "And I won't now!"  
  
Kasumi waved at her flying sister. "Akane, don't forget to pick up some milk before dinner!"  
  
Ranma had somehow managed to pull a 50mm anti-aircraft cannon out of his vest. "Don't worry! I'll get her down."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Soun Tendo had at last been jolted from his near catatonia. He leapt into the seat, knocking Ranma sprawling. "You mustn't!" He sighed as he realized that at last his little girl was safe. *BOOM* "oops."  
  
The drifting balloon waved her arms and legs frantically as the shot headed directly for her. *BOING!*  
  
Akane stared in disbelief at the nerf projectile bouncing off her balloon.  
  
*FSSSSTTTTT!*  
  
Akane began waving her arms and legs again frantically as she began leaking gas.  
  
"I'll catch her, I'll catch her," yelled Ranma as he ran beneath the falling girl, holding up a catcher's mitt. "I'll catch her!"  
  
Akane continued to fall, wondering why it was taking so long when she'd only been 1000 feet up.  
  
"I'll catch her, I'll catch her," exclaimed Ranma, holding up a fishtank filled with Rigellian suckerfish.  
  
Akane finished taking off her bandages, still falling.  
  
"I'll catch her, I'll catch her," continued Ranma, running around with a rubber chicken and a jar of vaseline.  
  
Akane drummed her fingers against one cheek, wishing there was an inflight movie.  
  
"I'll catch her, I'll... NOT GONNA GO THERE," Ranma abruptly turned around. "Nope nope nope."  
  
Behind him, Akane fell through the roof of a convention center marked "Busty Lesbian Nymphomaniac Fetish Festival 4."  
  
"EEEAAGGHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Prayer beads in hand, Ranma briefly said a mantra for the soul of the poor girl. "Alas Akane, I knew her well, Hentaio. A person of mediocre jest and poor judgement. May she find happiness in her next life."  
  
"I'm not dead!" A voice protested, wafting from somewhere in the convention center. "NO! THAT IS NOT AN ENTRY POINT! DON'T EVEN THINK OF IT!"  
  
"Ah, Akane, I can almost hear your voice," continued Ranma.  
  
"AAAGHHH!" Sounds of violence commenced.  
  
Ranma shrugged and walked away, finally reaching the Tendo home after a long and arduous trek. "Oh, the horror. To be rejected for the embrace of other girls. The shame of it."  
  
"WHERE'S AKANE?!" Soun went to demon head.  
  
Ranma thought for a moment, snapped his fingers and dashed into a broom closet. Immediately thereafter he jumped back, having changed clothes to a tuxedo and top hat. "OBSERVE! Hey Nabiki, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat," Ranma put the hat on the ground, made a mystic pass over it, reached in, and pulled Akane (again dressed in a bunny costume) out of his hat. "Presto!"  
  
Nabiki and Kasumi politely applauded.  
  
"Who? What? Where? When? Why?" Akane shook her head. "YOU?! Why you... you..."  
  
"For my next trick," Ranma announced, slamming a large rectangular box down over Akane. He pulled a chainsaw out of his hat, sliced the box into three sections, and then bowed. He then spun the pieces around, back again, and opened the front of the box to reveal a very pale Akane.  
  
"YOU INSANE... DO YOU REALIZE..." Akane's voice trailed off. She jumped up. *THUMP* *THUNK* *THUD* Akane tried again with the same results. Her legs came down immediately, her center shortly thereafter, and her head last of all. "Uh oh."  
  
Ranma rubbed his hands together. "Don't worry, I can fix it. Oh, Kasumi, do you have a sewing machine? And about thirty feet of duct tape?"  
  
"Why yes!"  
  
Akane fainted.  
  
-------  
  
"So it's been decided," said Soun solemnly.  
  
"Yes," agreed Genma, locking sides with his old buddy.  
  
"Akane will marry Ranma," the two said in unison.  
  
"WHAT?!" To say Akane was alarmed with this latest development was a gross understatement. "I'd rather marry KUNO!"  
  
(Elsewhere, Tatewaki Kuno had this sudden sneezing fit but also felt much better.)  
  
"WHAT?!" Ranma looked thoughtful. "Hmmm. Well, in that case, there's only one thing to do."  
  
Genma blanched. "No. Not that."  
  
"Yes," said Ranma with an evil gleam, pulling his microphone out again. "A karaoke party!"  
  
(grab) (smash) (twist) (bend) (mutilate)  
  
Akane growled. "I. Hate. You."  
  
"Now now you two, you should kiss and make up," suggested Soun, who it should be noted was a little zoned out from earlier events - not that he was exactly running on all cylinders under the best of circumstances.  
  
Ranma brightened slightly, grabbed Akane's hand, and started kissing his way up her arm. "Ah! Le Belle Le Chere! Ah, Le Moon. Ah, Le June! Ahhhhh!"  
  
"AAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" (Zoom!) Akane was doing her level best to imitate a starship entering warp drive without benefit of either.  
  
"She is the shy one, no?" Ranma said, adopting a pose of declaration as the dust trail from Akane's exit began dissipating. "In which case, eet is the duty of ze fiance to help her overcome zis problem. Oui?"  
  
"Oui!" Nabiki said, now wearing a french beret, striped shirt, and suspenders. "Eet es fate, I think."  
  
Kasumi, similarly attired, smiled a mysterious little smile but nodded.  
  
"Een dat case," concluded Ranma, waggling eyebrows, "I must make haste and meet with her at de casbah." (Zoom!)  
  
Nabiki sipped at the mysterious mug that had appeared when the decor of the sitting room had changed to "French cafe circa 1920" including the little cups of coffee. How predictable. French roast. "What were you saying about younger men being boring, Kasumi?"  
  
Kasumi blinked. "Did I really say that?"  
  
"aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!" (Zoom!) Akane ran by, running so fast that her legs were a blur.  
  
(skip hop skip hop skip hop) Ranma went by a moment later in a lazy-slow looking pursuit that somehow or other managed to keep up with Akane. "Le mew, le meow, le rowrrrrrrr!"  
  
------  
  
At a place called Mimir's Well, another Ranma stared in horror.  
  
Toltiir snickered. "Not bad."  
  
"Well, it's just a simulation," said Ranma as he tried not to look at what had happened.  
  
"Au contraire," said Exe, pointing to the simulation devices sitting a few yards away. "This is Mimir's Well. You just modified a Ranma timeline."  
  
"No..." Ranma whispered, staring at the still continuing horror.  
  
---------  
  
Akane trudged along to school, looking almost like she belonged in "Night Of The Living Dead XIII" or something along those lines.  
  
"Hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm," hmmmed Ranma. "You know, I don't have to attend school. I already graduated from Acme U!"  
  
Akane mumbled something.  
  
"I'm glad you agree," Ranma said, then tried to figure something out. "What does one call a new fiancee? Darling? Honey? Honey-bear-smootchums-pet? Dear? Widdle Akane-chan? My little chickfilet? Hmmmm."  
  
Akane flinched at each of the terms. Finally she saw the school before her and began running forward. "Kuno! Someone! Anyone! I need a rescue!"  
  
The assembled jocks were ready to surge forward and trounce their ravenhaired goddess. Having her turn to them for rescue confused the heck out of their tiny little brains.  
  
Except for Kuno who rushed forward to stand before Akane. "Speak on, fair maid, for the prowess of the mighty Tatewaki Kuno will protect you!"  
  
Akane nearly threw up as she considered what kind of payment Kuno might demand. She might actually have to go out on a *date* with Kuno?! Eccchh. Still, times were desperate. "Kuno-sempai, this pervert is trying to get me to marry him!"  
  
"What?!" Kuno looked alarmed, then practically melted because Akane was hiding behind him and had addressed him with respect. Ah, the maiden has changed her game. "Very well, I shall protect you, fair Akane, by smiting this wretch."  
  
Ranma puzzled that out. "So, you're saying you're giving up on Akane?"  
  
"Nay, that I shall never do!" thundered Kuno.  
  
"It sounded like that's what you said," disagreed Ranma.  
  
"I shall not give up on Akane!"   
  
"Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not" "Shall" "Not"  
  
Steam practically blowing out of his ears, Kuno glared at the boy before him. "I tell you that I SHALL give up on the fair Akane, and on my honor as a samurai I shall smite the first one to disagree with me on that!"  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Okay, doc, you win. You'll give up on Akane."  
  
"Yes, that I shall, that I..." Kuno froze. Hey waitaminute.  
  
Akane grumbled as she sat down at her desk, having just gone ahead and left when it became apparent that a battle of wits was underway and she'd chosen Tatewaki Kuno as her champion. Her luck sucked. What *else* could go wrong?  
  
(ominous rumble)  
  
"THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!" Akane looked embarassed as she realized she'd yelled loud enough to knock away several nearby students.  
  
-------  
  
Nabiki smirked a lot. She made money. She smirked some more. "That's right, our Daddy and Ranma's father decided."  
  
"Impossible! Unthinkable! Uncola!" Kuno paused and wondered where that last one had come from. Oh well.   
  
Nabiki thought back to the meeting of Akane and Ranma and thought it might be amusing to see if Tatewaki Kuno's brain would seize up if she tried putting a little "spin" on the events. "Not only that Kuno-baby, you should hear how Akane tried to get Ranma to play 'Doctor' with him - she really led him on."  
  
"She... seduced... him?!" Kuno was falling into a pit of despair so low it could only be felt not seen.  
  
"Gave it her best shot. She's playing hard to get now, but I expect that when she gets home tonight," Nabiki left that open. Hmmm. Looks like it was working. Kuno was just twitching a lot.   
  
-------  
  
Akane stared.  
  
"Hello, I'm your substitute teacher, Ranma Saotome!" Ranma munched on a carrot and leaned against the blackboard. "Oh and Akane, just because you're my fiancee don't think I'll go easy on you."  
  
"Why would I ever think something like *that*," grumbled Akane. In a louder voice she continued: "How can you be a TEACHER?! You're too young!"  
  
"Au contraire, my pet. And don't think that your little loveplays in the morning will change my mind and you'll be able to get out of homework." Ranma tsked at Akane.  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke began speculating about the possible meanings of homework.  
  
"WHAT LOVEPLAYS?!" Akane shrieked in horror, just *knowing* what kind of rumors would be spread now. That flushing sound had to be her reputation.  
  
Ranma winked at Akane in conspiratorial fashion. "No need to go into detail, is there?"  
  
Miyu, the tarot-reading girl, cleared her throat. "Uhm, she does have a point. How *can* you be a teacher?"  
  
"I'm glad you asked that," exclaimed Ranma. "That means it's time for:"  
  
Akane placed her nose flush with her desktop and covered her head with both arms. "No. Please not that."  
  
"A musical number!" Ranma flipped a cape up out of nowhere and was suddenly wearing a tuxedo, top hat, and the aforementioned cape. "Da-ta-da-ta-taaa!  
  
"I graduated from Acme U,  
In the year of '92,  
Top third of my class, of course, of course,  
Studying Pratfalls and Ancient Norse,  
The courses hard, the teachers worse,  
you even had to sing in verse!"  
  
Mass sweatdrops as Ranma swung around a firepole that hadn't been there a moment ago.  
  
"When the registrar asked, what will you do?  
I really had to think it through,  
and so I said to him: I think!  
with a sly grin and little wink,  
a sensei's what I want to be,  
and no Akane you can't go flee."  
  
Akane slumped and walked back to her desk. She'd thought he wasn't paying attention.  
  
Juggling erasers, chalk, and a few other school supplies, Ranma continued.  
  
"The thing about life as opposed to schools,  
Things progress by different rules,  
Plans rarely survive their execution,  
And the battle often is to the best locution,  
Adapt and thrive - that's Biology,  
Cause Chaos Happens - that's Philosophy,  
You've got to fight the day to day,  
the daily grind is here to stay,  
so take some time and let humor grow,  
or you'll be as uncute as our Miss Tendo."  
  
Akane groaned as the class' attention focussed on her again.  
  
Dressed in Shakespearian clothing, holding a skull carved out of candy up, Ranma was now illumined by a spotlight as the rest of the classroom lights dimmed. "Ah, to teach, perhaps to spam. Aye, there's the rub, for after we have shuffled the deck who knows how we can draw an inside straight against Yosemite Sam."  
  
Miyu sat back. A philosophy teacher eh? That explained a lot.  
  
Hiroshi gasped. "Oh my kami! I understood that! For the first time in my life, I actually understood the lesson! It's so clear now!"  
  
"Oh, shut UP," grumbled Akane.  
  
"Yeah," said Daisuke, gaping in amazement. This guy actually *was* a teacher. He'd just used the song and dance number to tell them all that they had to adapt to changes, that humor allowed them to get through tight circumstances in life, and that fast talking was a survival skill. "I get it! That is so amazing!"  
  
Akane was sure of it now. It was a conspiracy. They were all out to get her.  
  
*BOOM!* The door exploded inward, filled by raging kendoist. "How dare you deny the tidy Akane her seduction. I mean, how dare you try to seduce, that is, DIE INFIDEL!"  
  
Ranma leapt to the side to avoid the sword slash, then announced "Acme School Of Martial Arts Special Manuever!"  
  
"You shall not escape!" Kuno swiveled, rushed forward again to where the cur was heading out the door.  
  
And found a banana peel that had somehow been placed in his path.  
  
"Yiiiiiii!" The Blue Thunder slid out the door, noting that the coward now had a bucket marked "Acme Axel Grease" and a paintbrush?  
  
"Aaaaaaaa," said Tatewaki Kuno as he saw the villainous Saotome leap down the stairs after putting some object at the end of a trail of grease.  
  
The students gathered to watch as Tatewaki Kuno slid into a large glop of superglue on a skateboard, followed by said skateboard going down two flights of stairs punctuated by many an "AaAAaAAaAA!"  
  
"AAAAA!" Tatewaki said upon seeing the ramp, Ranma standing by with a few pieces of wood, hammer, and nails.  
  
*Zoom!* Tatewaki Kuno was briefly airborne, still with skateboard glued to his feet, arms windmilling as he tried to fly above what looked like a six foot wide cream pie.  
  
*SPLURT!*  
  
[7][7.1][8.1][3]  
  
The other students immediately started beating on Hikaru Gosunkugi (the "3") with their numbered signs.   
  
"Nya ha ha," laughed Ranma. "What a maroon. What an ignoramous. What a pustule on the buttocks of humanity. Nya ha ha ha ha hmmm?"  
  
Kuno towered in rage above Ranma, the effect slightly spoiled by the whipped cream and the cherry on top. "You... You..."  
  
Akane thoughtfully handed Tatewaki Kuno a bokken.   
  
Ranma grinned. "Bye bye." (ZOOM!)  
  
"You cannot get away!" Kuno gave chase. "You cannot hide!"   
  
Glancing down, Kuno saw a sign pointing. "Ah hah! 'Ranma tracks!' The vengeance of the heavens is at hand!"  
  
The tracks changed after another twenty yards. Fortunately there was another helpful sign. "'Moose tracks'?! The foul sorcerer has enslaved even innocent animals! I shall find and smite thee!"  
  
After a few more yards, the tracks changed again. "So, 'Railroad Tracks'? Foul Sorcerer, you shall not escape the justice of the righteous!"  
  
Another few yards lead to a tunnel. "Again the Heavens aid me!" Kuno exulted, for the sign did indeed point out "This Way To Foul Sorcerer!"  
  
*Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu*  
  
Kuno looked up from where he was following the tracks and held his bokken high. "I hear you Foul One. Vengeance will not be denied!" Kuno charged forward, ready to strike.  
  
And had a really good look at the front of the bullet train.  
  
Ranma sat at the edge of the classroom window and pointed as a little blue dot climbed towards the heavens. "Now here you see the effect of imparted kinetic energy and how mass affects it. The bullet train is much more massive, so the amount of slowing is miniscule compared to the velocity imparted to the smaller object. You see?"  
  
Many nods. Akane just winced, for once in her life actually sympathetic towards Tatewaki Kuno. Then getting a little ill as she realized this.  
  
--------  
  
Kasumi swept the floor, humming a little tune, losing herself in the Now when something impinged itself on her awareness.  
  
There was a mound of dirt moving through the backyard. When it reached about a quarter of the way from the fence, it abruptly discharged a number of items. Kasumi recognized a beach chair, umbrella, and a cooler among the items. After that something (or should that be someone?) leapt out as well.  
  
"MIAMI BEACH AT LAST! WEEHAAA! YIPPEEE! HOORay..." A tall anthropomorphic rabbit looked around. "This doesn't look like Miami Beach."  
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi, wondering if perhaps Nabiki hadn't been slipping a prescription medicine into her food again.  
  
Munching idly on a carrot, the rabbit started unfolding a map. From hankerchief size it quickly began approaching the size of the entire yard. "Let's see now. Pardon me, miss, can you tell me how to get to Miami Beach in the state of Florida?"  
  
Deciding to take talking English-speaking rabbits in stride now, Kasumi further decided this was a guest and she should respond in the same language. "No, Mr. Rabbit, this is the Tendo Dojo in Nerima Japan."  
  
"JAPAN?!" The rabbit looked startled and immediately went into a warding pose. Then he frowned and started looking over his map again. "I just *knew* I should'a taken that left turn at Albuquerque!"  
  
"Would you like some tea, Mister Rabbit?" Partly this was because it was the polite thing to offer a guest. Partly because Kasumi decided she could use a cup herself right now.  
  
Suprisingly enough, the rabbit switched to heavily accented Kansai-dialect Japanese. "Nah thanks. Oh, and the name is Bunny. Bugs Bunny."  
  
Leaving the anthropomorph to puzzle over the map some more, Kasumi wondered exactly *why* she had ever thought of younger men as boring. Strange yes, but boring appeared to be completely inaccurate. Perhaps she needed more data. And a really good strong cup of tea.  
  
-------  
  
Kuno heard an odd hissing sound from his drawn bokken and wondered when Sasuke had put a sputtering fuse on it. The little ninja was not to take such liberties with  
  
*BA-KOOOM!*  
  
Ranma looked up as the bell rang. "Okay, that's it, class. Don't forget yer homework and with any luck one of my old teacher's at Acme U will be a guest speaker tomorrow."  
  
"Hai, sensei," came the semi-ritualistic response before the group broke up into individual pairings and smaller groups.  
  
Tatewaki Kuno, blackened and smouldering, fell over. Several of the students heeded the strange compulsion to step on him as they wandered out.  
  
Akane actually smiled as she left. Free! Free at last! She had some time before Ranma-baka returned home, and she could try to figure a way to get a Ranma-less future! Fortunately, she had an idea of how to get there! "Bwahahahahahaha!"  
  
"Hmmm," hmmed Ranma at his desk. "That sounds like Evil Laugh #12: 'I've Got A Plan' - favored by supervillains, Elmer Fudd, Daffy, and Wile E Coyote. Akane's coming along pretty well."  
  
Genma snuck up. He had a plan to see if Ranma retained *any* of his old training and perhaps could be reclaimed as the Heir of Anything Goes. Reaching into his sack, he pulled out what he had found. Just a little further.  
  
Ranma ignored Genma. Bugs had always pointed out that you needed to take some things seriously, thereby providing a referent and dramatic impact to the loonier aspects of your life. "Life is not served by humor alone, somebody's got to be the straight man, which is better than being the fall guy." Ah, the Zen of B.Bunny.  
  
"This is for your own good!" Genma pulled the cat out of the bag and started rubbing it into his child's face.   
  
Ranma considered briefly. "Oh no, it's a bad joke. You never completed that training, remember?"  
  
Genma frowned. Ranma wasn't reacting?  
  
"Meow," tiredly sighed Ranma, making a finger-extended gesture in midair.  
  
Genma fell apart in neat little slices. They rejoined immediately thereafter, proving it was an emulated technique and not the true catfist, but it was still fairly impressive.  
  
"Really, oyaji. If *that* worked..." Ranma looked off into the distance and began to smile. "Hmmmm."  
  
Genma didn't really like that smile. The cat had even more sense and took off running.  
  
--------  
  
Nabiki swallowed uncertainly. "I'm not a martial artist, you know."  
  
"True," said Ranma, "you're just helping me demonstrate how ludicrous this catfist thing is to my father."  
  
Nabiki squirmed as much as the ropes would let her. "And where did you learn shibari (Japanese fetish rope tying) anyway?"  
  
"It's a Japanese art, and it deals with martial arts since it started with samurai tying up prisoners. Of course I'd learn the basics.(1)" Ranma shrugged.  
  
"Well, let's get it over with. This *is* extra credit right?" Nabiki tried not to let on how this made her feel, having a fair share of closet kinkiness.  
  
"Yeah. Too bad I couldn't find Akane," said Ranma.  
  
Somewhere, hidden, Akane sneezed and then prayed it had not been heard.  
  
Ranma noted that Akane was hiding in that trashcan over there and decided that a second example might help drive it home. "Now, oyaji, if throwing someone into a pit of starving cats could make them learn some technique called the catfist..."  
  
"HEY! WAITAMINUTE!" Nabiki really started squirming now. "You said there was no danger involved!"  
  
Ranma reached off camera and pulled a scene change into the screen. "Then throwing Nabiki into Scrooge McDuck's money vault (on loan from Disney) would produce..."  
  
Nabiki slammed into something hard, opened her eyes, opened them some more. Opened them a LOT to the point where they came completely out of her head, rolled on the ground and expanded to five times their usual volume. Her tongue also extended briefly. Then eyes and tongue were in their usual spots and some empty ropes drifted to the ground.  
  
*SPLASH!* Gold coins fountained up. Nabiki dove back down with them, now wearing a black almost-not-there bikini. She swam, she acted like a porpoise, she dove, she did the backstroke, she giggled.  
  
"...the unbeatable martial arts technique: the Yenken! As you can see," Ranma assured his chained-to-the-ground father, "she is just enjoying herself."  
  
Nabiki wrapped herself almost bonelessly around a gold statue. "MinemineminemineminemineMINE! It's all mine! I'm rich! I'm fabulously wealthy! I'm a millionaire! I'm a zillionaire! I'm fantastically wealthy! Mine! Because what's mine is mine! And what's yours is mine! MINE! All mine!"  
  
Ranma wondered briefly if Nabiki had met Daffy at some point.  
  
Genma's eyes teared up as he watched one of the Tendo girls boldly go where he wouldn't be allowed. How unfair!   
  
"Now," said Ranma, wearing a welding mask and welding chains around a garbage can, "take my fiancee - please! But seriously, oyaji. She's supposed to be a martial artist, right? Wants to learn special manuevers and that sort of thing, right?"  
  
Akane wondered who had reinforced the garbage can and could she please get out now?  
  
"Well," said Ranma, motioning a crane hook to come in and lift the garbage can out of the lot. "If setting up someone with a phobia and then confronting them with it will cause a secret martial arts technique, let's try *this* shall we?"  
  
*CLANG!* *CLANG!* Someone inside the trashcan pounded on it enough to bend the lid. Two eyes started peering out from inside.  
  
The trashcan was fed into a conveyor belt just below a sign proclaiming "Acme Automated Recycling Center". Jazzy music began to play in the background.  
  
Someone watching could have sworn a giant sweatdrop appeared alongside the trashcan, despite the absolute lack of sweat glands normally found on galvanized aluminum. *WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!*  
  
Akane burst out of the trashcan seconds before it was flattened to paper thinness by several large mallets. She began running, but as she was on a treadmill didn't get anywhere. *WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!*  
  
The youngest Tendo daughter began to gasp for air, trying to run up the ramps with the constant *WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!* going on just behind her.  
  
With one final lunge, Akane fell forward. Of course, the belt was still running so she rolled over in time to see the huge hammers heading downwards, ready to flatten her so that she could recycled into furniture or other useful things. "..."  
  
Ranma pulled the plug. "Hey, I'm not *that* bad. Now, Oyaji, if you were correct she would now have a phobia regarding mallets and when confronted with them sufficiently would escape into thinking she *was* a mallet."  
  
Genma picked up the limp Akane. "Well, she's *only* a girl."  
  
Akane's eyes shot open, she body-slammed the portly martial artist, climbed down, snatched the plug away from Ranma and inserted it into the socket. The large machinery began working again.  
  
Ranma backed away from the glaring girl. "Uhm..."  
  
*WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!* A little can came out of one of the side hoppers.   
  
Nabiki (who had been physically pried away from the money, but still had managed to hide some within her skimpy bikini somehow) picked it up, read it, then held it up as if doing a commercial. "Need a convenient idiot or scapegoat but can't find one? Try 'Moron-in-a-can' - it's convenient, has an excellent shelf life, and a thousand and one uses!"  
  
Kasumi (likewise not wanting to get involved until the end of this skit) stepped up. "Really? A 'thousand and one' uses? Like what?"  
  
"Anchors, practice dummies," began Nabiki, "alibi, fall guy, alternative target, but wait - there's more!"  
  
Akane was chasing Ranma around the machine, then followed Ranma up the ladder and into a dark tunnel. Which immediately led to a shriek as she realized that Ranma wasn't in the tunnel, and she was back where she had been a few minutes ago.  
  
*WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!*  
  
Nabiki picked up the next can. "Hmmm. Try canned 'Uncute Tomboy', she can... I mean, that is, she can..."  
  
Kasumi glanced at Nabiki who seemed to be deep in thought. "Nabiki, you can't sell that to that Kuno boy. It wouldn't be proper."  
  
"No that wasn't it," grumbled Nabiki. "I was just trying to think of what Akane did better than anyone else I knew."  
  
Kasumi shrugged. "I'll get the can opener."  
  
Nabiki continued to ponder as it began to get dark. "Hmmmm."  
  
Predawn began lighting the sky, Nabiki was now in the "Thinker" pose, contemplating the canned Akane. "Hmmm."  
  
"Sibling rivalry," explained Kasumi to nobody in particular as she walked past Nabiki and opened the can. She poured Akane out who grumbled a lot about her clothing being recycled seperately.  
  
"Don't worry, Akane, Ranma can get you something," Kasumi assured her younger sister, somehow completely missing the way Akane started wildly shaking her head 'no'.  
  
"Of course! No trouble for my fiancee!" Ranma appeared out of nowhere, smiling in a friendly fashion.   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
Ranma and the two other Tendo daughters watched the dust cloud dissipate marking Akane's departure.  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Was it something I said?"  
  
-----------  
  
hi. hope you got a laugh. It's just an omake. Taken seriously meant missing the point.  
  
There was sufficient response to merit sending this out by itself, though i'd have to do some serious research (providing i can *find* old Bugs Bunny cartoons locally - they're hardly PC) before writing a second chapter.  
  
-gregg  
  
Bunny Tale 2: an omake  
  
Black and white scene of Furinkan High School, as seen through the gates. Ranma steps out of the trees. "You are entering a place of sight out of mind. A place where the normal rules seem out of kilter."  
  
Nabiki (wearing a bunny suit and grinning mischieviously) steps out as well. She's in color, in contrast to the rest of the scene. "Furinkan Senior High School. A mere day ago this was just a ridiculously violent education facility of less than high academic standards."  
  
Ranma nodded and looked quite solemn. "But now, Furinkan has taken a few steps into... the Looney Zone."  
  
"Doo da doo doo, doo da doo doo..."  
  
Akane stomps up. "And WHAT are you two doing?"  
  
"Cut!" Ranma throws up his hands and stalks off. "How can I work with thees local talent! She completly ignores her lines and she has no much talent anyway."  
  
"I've got PLENTY OF TALENT!" Akane yelled at the departing Ranma. "I've got more talent than you can guess!"  
  
Nabiki nudges her sister. "Uhm, he was referring to breast size."  
  
"Oh... I thought he was talking about my acting talent! Oh, well that's..." (Ding!) Akane slapped away the little light bulb that had appeared over her head. "He was what?!"  
  
Nabiki walked off to where Kasumi and a small orchestra were waiting. "Hit it!"  
  
Jazzy chase scene music begins to play as Akane runs by with a large mallet, chasing Ranma. Ranma is apparently unconcerned as he is eating a banana while running.   
  
Akane runs by again, still chasing Ranma, and apparently unaware that she is now wearing a Las Vegas showgirl outfit that includes tail feathers. Her mallet now has a sign reading 50t.  
  
Nabiki (now wearing a tuxedo that is cut to her figure and hugs it in all the right places) is waving a baton around as the conductor for the orchestra. Kasumi is playing an electric guitar and apparently getting quite into her role.  
  
Ranma runs past, dropping the banana peel. Akane (whose mallet now reads 100t) is now wearing a lei, grass skirt, and strategically placed flowers. Naturally, her foot finds the banana peel and she goes speeding offscreen with Ranma waving goodbye and throwing flower petals in her direction.  
  
Nabiki speeds up the tempo considerably as the sound of squealing tires, honking horns, screeching cats, and breaking glass can be heard from somewhere nearby. She brings the concert to a close and bows a few times to polite applause.  
  
---------  
  
Akane sulked. She did a lot of this lately and was becoming quite good. She also entertained herself with an elaborate plan to: a) humiliate Ranma, and b) get out of this engagement.  
  
Ranma stood at the head of the class. "Okay, class. We have a special visitor today! From Acme Looniversity in beautiful downtown Burbank, we have the one, the only, Pepe Le Pew!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Pepe?" Ranma went to the door. "Oh hello. Where's Pepe?"  
  
"Growk ook eek umm akk! Ukk eep growl greef grunt!"  
  
"Oh dear, that does sound like a problem," said Ranma, leading a four and a half foot tall Tazmanian Devil (wearing a nice tweed business suit) into the room.  
  
--------  
  
Shampoo would have faced death with courage and dignity. This situation had a complete lack of the latter and Shampoo had never been good at that particular virtue anyway. As for the former, well, that wasn't in evidence either.  
  
"Come here my little cabbage! I am looking for you!"  
  
In trying to escape Mousse she'd inadvertantly gone to a place called Jusenkyo and found this place called "Spring Of Drowned Black Cat Who Was Cursed To Get A White Stripe On Her Back Through Wildly Improbable Events" - or so she gathered from the effects.  
  
Grab! Hug! Snuggle!  
  
"My little kitten, come wiff me to da casbah and we will make mad passionate..."  
  
Zip! Zoom! Zing! Little black streak of wildly running cat.  
  
"...love?" The French anthropomorphic skunk shrugged. "Zis is fate I suppose."  
  
-------  
  
"Class, this is Taz. A teacher from good old Acme!"  
  
"Ruk ook reek urk! Excuse me." (Hello class. Burp! Excuse me.)  
  
Lots of staring.  
  
"Is he a muppet?" Hiroshi finally asked. (Ru rak muppet erm?)  
  
"Ruuu reek." (No, actually I'm a Tazmanian Devil as Ranma just told you. I would have been here sooner but some crazy duck held up traffic by trying to do a U-turn at San Bernadino.)  
  
Akane blinked. "What'd he say?" (Eep oop akkk ik rroo rree ruf.)  
  
"Read the subtitles, Akane," advised Miyo. (Ruppa, flatchested one.)  
  
"WHAT?!" Akane exclaimed, then rubbed her eyes. There really were subtitles?! (Oop eek oop aa aa bing bang wally wally bing bang.)  
  
"Okay class," said Ranma, putting aside the subtitles for now. "Today our guest speaker will deal with a subject near and dear to all of us."  
  
Taz whipped a pair of glasses out of his suit and managed to carry off a dignified professorial atmosphere briefly. "Uh huh."  
  
CRASH!  
  
"FOUL SORCERER!" Tatewaki Kuno posed in the broken door. "I have just learned of you viewing the glory that is the pure and tidy Akane Tendo!"  
  
"You ought to live in the same house with her before describing her as 'pure and tidy', doc." Ranma tsked and pulled a carrot out of his shirt which he immediately began munching on. "You should see what she keeps in the box under her bed."  
  
"WHAT?! How did you? When did you?!" Akane had leapt out of her seat, looking quite horrified. How had he learned of her recent plans to humiliate him with some carefully planted evidence? Of course, this increased everyone's attention on her. "Uhm, I don't know what you mean?"  
  
Kuno had stopped posing and just gaped. What had the foul sorcerer meant? "What do you mean, foul sorcerer?"  
  
"Look Akane, I don't know how you sleep in leather underwear," pointed out Ranma, "much less what you do with all those weird gadgets and ecchi magazines."  
  
Akane began shrinking for no apparent reason.  
  
"And I know darn well the school wouldn't let you have piercings done there," continued Ranma.  
  
Shrink. shrink.  
  
"And I know that you couldn't even walk on spike heels like that," continued Ranma.  
  
shrink. shrink some more.  
  
"And what that long purple thing with the extra battery packs was. Some kinda torture device?"  
  
shrink. shrink even more.  
  
"Oop rrk," opined Taz.  
  
Two inch tall Akane sputtered little denials at her desk as everyone stared.  
  
Tatewaki Kuno tried to picture the sorts of things referenced, experienced a massive nosebleed, and collapsed in the hallway.  
  
--------  
  
They were courageous Amazons, brave fighters all.  
  
"Wait baybee, wait for you lil' Pepe!"  
  
They were currently heading for the hills. Not because they were frightened of two skunks running all over there village.  
  
Cologne had taken one look at the skunk and had exclaimed. "Le Yikes! Eet ees un polecat de pew!"  
  
At which point everyone who had ever heard of Cologne's stories from when she was a member of the Chinese Underground during WWII, and during Mao's little crusade, had heard of those weird American cartoons. One of the characters of which was a romantically inclined French skunk named Pepe.  
  
Why did they run? Because the odds were that the longer he spent in the village, the more likely it would be that he would inadvertantly defeat an Amazon during that time.  
  
It was one of the few cases where the resident nonconformist Tigar agreed wholeheartedly with the Elders - being defeated by Pepe Le Pew would be a *bad* thing.  
  
Shampoo, currently a black cat with a white stripe down her back, was doing her level best just to get away. Unfortunately she never had seen the cartoon, and therefore had no idea how to get away from Pepe.  
  
Instead there was a well from which a pair of eyes blinked and a sign slowly inched into view. [Can we change scenes now? Please?!]  
  
--------  
  
"Oook eek urk wuk greep!" Taz indicated the attempting-to-hide-at-her-desk girl.  
  
Akane finally overcame her embarrassment as something finally occurred to her. "HEY! What were you doing in my room! You pervert!"  
  
"Actually, it was a terrible moment," indicated Ranma, a spotlight shining down on him from above. "Oh the horror, the terror!"  
  
"Oh dear," said Miyo. "In Akane's room?!"  
  
"DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!" Akane exclaimed.  
  
"Yes, it was in Akane's room, oh... that I, merely wishing to check on my fiancee's health, should be exposed to such things, well, I..." Ranma shuddered and openly wept. "But don't blame Akane! It isn't her fault! We'll get help for her, really we will!"  
  
"LIES! ALL LIES!" Akane tried to make eye contact with several of her friends. Some did. Some didn't.  
  
"It's all right, Akane, WE believe you," said Sayuri after an uncomfortable silence.  
  
"See that!" Akane swung about and pointed at Ranma, not immediately noticing several small objects flying out and scattering about the room. "People know me! People..."  
  
"Receipts signed by Akane Tendo from... The Hentai Boutique?!" Daisuke looked with new respect towards Akane. "Wow."  
  
"How'd those get...?!" Akane checked her sleeve. Several odd objects dropped out. "AAAHHHHHH!"  
  
Yuka stared. "Wow Akane. Last time we had a sleepover you said you'd never done any of that."  
  
"AAAAAA!" (WHAM!) A new Akane-shaped exit appeared on one of the walls.  
  
"I'm, I'm sorry," Ranma said, blowing his nose noisily as punctuation. "We'll help her through this somehow. I'll be a good fiancee and somehow I and her family will help overcome this little problem."  
  
-------  
  
Ranma finally had composed himself enough to continue today's lesson. Just to soothe his ruffled nerves, he was singing it. Currently with guest star Jon Cleese.  
  
"Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving  
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,  
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,  
A sun that is the source of all our power.  
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see  
Are moving at a million miles a day  
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,  
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.  
  
"Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.  
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.  
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,  
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.  
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.  
We go 'round every two hundred million years,  
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions  
In this amazing and expanding universe.  
  
"The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding  
In all of the directions it can whizz  
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,  
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.  
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,  
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,  
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,  
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth."  
  
Everyone being good students, they were writing all this down. Well, that or staring.  
  
"Uhm, teacher, I thought you were going to teach us about philosophy," brought up Yuka.  
  
"Right you are," said Mister Cleese. "I've got just the thing. Hit it maestro."  
  
Now wearing a tuxedo and sitting a piano, Ranma nodded. Nabiki (glad she was getting a better part in this skit and wearing a black evening gown) cleared her throat and checked the music stand in front of her. Hmmm.  
  
NABIKI:   
"I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas.   
I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge.   
I've got lots of lovely lire.   
Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer,   
And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge."  
  
NABIKI and TEACHERS:   
"There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.   
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash.   
Some people say it's folly,   
But I'd rather have the lolly.   
With money you can make quite the splash."  
  
NABIKI:  
"There is nothing quite as wonderful as money."  
  
TEACHERS:   
"...Money, money, money, money."  
  
NABIKI:   
"There is nothing like a newly minted pound."  
  
TEACHERS (joined by more teachers holding up signs that read [underpaid]:   
"...Money, money, money, money."  
  
NABIKI and TEACHERS:   
"Everyone must hanker   
For the butchness of a banker.   
It's accountancy that makes the world go 'round."  
  
TEACHERS:   
"'Round, 'round, 'round."  
  
NABIKI:  
"You can keep your Marxist ways,   
For it's only just a phase,   
For it's money, money, money makes the world go 'round."  
  
TEACHERS:   
"...Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey!"  
  
Yuka stared. "You don't really think that, do you?"  
  
"Honestly? No. Yet it is a prevelant and widespread philosophy here in Japan, is it not?" Ranma shrugged, sending Nabiki back to her class. Nabiki sulked a little as she went, as she could expound quite enthusiastically on the subject and miss dissecting a frog at the same time.  
  
"Well, I was kind of hoping for the Meaning Of Life," suggested Yuka.  
  
"Try a rhubarb tart," suggested Cleese.  
  
"Hmmm," said Ranma, reaching off stage and pulling Kasumi into the picture. He switched sheet music and sat himself back down at the piano.  
  
Cleese noticed that Kasumi was wearing a skimpy nurses outfit and responded appropriately. "Hellooooo nurse!"  
  
Kasumi blinked a few times, shrugged as if to say "well, why the heck not" and began singing.  
  
"Why are we here? What's life all about?  
Is God really real, or is there some doubt?  
Well, tonight, we're going to sort it all out,  
For, tonight, it's 'The Meaning of Life'.  
  
"What's the point of all this hoax?  
Is it the chicken and the egg time? Are we just yolks?  
Or, perhaps, we're just one of God's little jokes.  
Well, ça c'est 'The Meaning of Life'.  
  
"Is life just a game where we make up the rules  
While we're searching for something to say,  
Or are we just simply spiralling coils  
Of self-replicating DN-- nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.  
  
"What is life? What is our fate?  
Is there a Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?  
Is mankind evolving, or is it too late?  
Well, tonight, here's 'The Meaning of Life'.  
  
"For millions, this 'life' is a sad vale of tears,  
Sitting 'round with really nothing to say  
While the scientists say we're just simply spiralling coils  
Of self-replicating DN-- nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.  
  
"So, just why-- why are we here,  
And just what-- what-- what-- what do we fear?  
Well, ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,  
For this is 'The Meaning of Life'. C'est le sens de la vie.  
This is 'The Meaning of Life'."  
  
"So you're saying," hesitatingly began Hiroshi, "that there is no single answer to all of life's questions, and we just have to choose the one that works for us individually?"  
  
"That's right, doc," said Ranma munching on a carrot.  
  
"Wow," whispered Yuka to Sayuri. "He taught Hiroshi something."  
  
"Damn he's good," agreed Sayuri.  
  
Kasumi curtsied and left to go bake a cake.  
  
---------  
  
Akane sulked. She was getting very good at it.  
  
This time, she knew her plan would work. She'd carefully considered every possibility, she'd worked out every detail.  
  
This would work, and Ranma would be out of her life. Forever.  
  
"GEORGE!"  
  
Akane looked around wildly. Empty alley in all directions. She didn't recall this furry wall being over here though. Hmmm. (click) Akane slowly tilted her head up. Up. Up. Way Up. Oh dear.  
  
A hand roughly 90% of Akane's total height encircled her and started hauling the uncute tomboy up.  
  
"Erk," said Akane, just knowing that this was Ranma's fault somehow.  
  
"George! I've been looking everywhere for you, George! You shouldn't have wandered off like that, you know how easy you gets losted."  
  
"Erk," said Akane, trying to point out her name was *not* nor had it ever been "George".  
  
"Oh, it's okay, George. I will call you George. And I will pet you and pat you, and squeeze you and love you, and rub your tummy, and... you're not George?!"  
  
"...good work, Einstein..." gasped Akane.  
  
The big ape-being frowned. "You have deceiva... eveced... lied to me. I will have to punish you."  
  
Akane whimpered but managed to hold a sign up from where she was imprisoned by the one hand. [Ranma Saotome! Because of you I have seen HELL!]  
  
-------  
  
The challenger went into a martial arts stance and said something in an unfamiliar language. [At last I have found you! Your martial arts style is pig dung! Now you shall suffer!]  
  
Ranma went into a similar stance and responded in the same language. [You cannot be forgiven. For stealing my dojo's sign, raping my sheep, and saying bad things about my dog - you shall be punished.]  
  
More unintelligible comments. [You fool! Behold the dread power of my martial arts technique: All your base belong to us!]  
  
Ranma watched the rapid martial arts movements of his opponent. [Hah! You forget, unwise flatulance, that your technique is poor copy of my least technique. Now I shall eat you with soy sauce!]  
  
"Why are they just posing and making threatening speeches?" Yuka asked while reaching for Hiroshi's bucket of popcorn.  
  
"Parody of several martial arts movies," explained Hiroshi.  
  
"Who's gonna beat you like a drum,  
and send you packing, you stinky bum!  
R-A-N-M-A!  
And that's all we've gotta say!  
RANMA! RANMA!"  
  
"I've never seen a martial arts battle with scantily clad cheerleaders cheering for one of the opponents," confessed Daisuke. "Though I hope this trend continues." (SMACK!) "Hey!"  
  
Sayuri scowled at her erstwhile boyfriend. Hmmmph.  
  
"Bric-a-braca,  
Firecracka,  
Sis boom bah!  
Ranma, Ranma, Rah Rah Rah!"  
  
Ryouga frowned at his opponent. Extreme close up of scowl with fang gleaming. [You play dirty, equine offspring of mixed parentage, yet I shall not fall to your psychological tactics!]  
  
Extreme closeup of Ranma's narrowed eyes. [Unclean mammal of porcine descent! Just because Wile E Coyote and Elmer Fudd have trained you in Martial Arts Cartoon Villainry does not make you more capable.]  
  
Ultra extreme closeup of gleaming white fang. [You cannot hope to win. I have lefteousness on my side!]  
  
Ultra extreme closeup of an eye. It might be Ranma's. [Don't you mean righteousness, Doc?]  
  
Ultra extreme closeup, but you can't be sure *what* it is of. [You know how I am with directions!]  
  
Yuka turned to Sayuri. "Aren't they supposed to be fighting or something?"  
  
Ranma checked his watch. "Oh hell, we've used all the available screentime for our fight."  
  
Ryouga stamped his foot and whined like a little girl. "Awwwwwwww. Darn it. It was just getting to the good part."  
  
"Don't worry, Doc." Ranma thought briefly, reached off camera, then tugged a fairly attractive girl onto the scene. "You meet Akari Unryuu in the next scene, defeat her sumo pig, then settle down to have a nice long romantic scene with her."  
  
Ryouga looked thoughtful. "Ummmm. Okay, that works."  
  
-------  
  
"Meanwhile, back at the ranch."  
  
"What the?!" The bunny rabbit stuck his head out of the hole and started scratching his head with one white-gloved hand. "This place again?! Man, I gotta stop getting these maps from Daffy."  
  
"Oh, Mister Bunny, you're back," said Kasumi, kneeling in the traditional receiving pose. "I had a feeling you'd be back."  
  
"Yeah, well, sorry about this, Miss, I...." (sniff sniff) "Say, what's that enticing aroma?" (sniff sniff sniff)  
  
Kasumi wondered briefly how the humanoid rabbit was supporting his entire body weight through his nose as he began floating along the scent trail. "I was trying out an American recipe. It's called carrot cake. Could you stay for a bite?"  
  
"Well, I wouldn't want to be rude," allowed Bugs. "Lead on, McDuff."  
  
Kasumi blinked. Oh well, she'd correct him about the name later. As it was, she didn't get guests that often.  
  
Besides, he seemed older than her somehow.  
  
Taking a good sniff of the cooling cake, Bugs couldn't help it. "Lady, I think this could be the start of a beauuuuuutiful friendship!"  
  
------  
  
Akane stalked up the halls of Furinkan, though her walking seemed to be *off* somehow.  
  
Those who knew how to interpret such things wondered who would have spanked Akane.  
  
The door to a certain room slammed open.  
  
Yuka was singing something from Schoolhouse Rock, surprised at how effective music was as a memorization tool.   
  
"THAT. WAS. IT." Akane growled. "We're THROUGH! We are NOT engaged!"  
  
"Oh," sniffled Ranma. "Whatever shall I do? Uhm, Nabiki."  
  
Nabiki zipped into the scene, wearing her bunny suit again. "You rang?"  
  
"I guess we're engaged now. So which approach did you favor?"  
  
"Well, the Wile E. Coyote approach was nice," said Nabiki speculatively, "but I'm not sure about the protaganist role. We could always go for the sometimes-ally relationship with frequent guest stars and parodying current events."  
  
"That *might* work," agreed Ranma, "or I could go with Kasumi. She'd make a good 'damsel in distress' running joke where I rush around trying to rescue her and get slapsticked a lot. She's sharper than she generally acts so maybe she could play 'Hello Nurse' or something similar."  
  
Akane twitched. "WHAT are you talking about?!"  
  
Ranma and Nabiki both rolled their eyes.  
  
"AND STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES AT ME!!!"  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Oh well, guess we gotta do it."  
  
"Ya gotta do what ya gotta do," agreed Nabiki.  
  
Ranma did the special manuever scene change again by reaching off camera and pulling a different scene atop the current one.  
  
"Oh my!" Kasumi noticed she was wearing a lovely white evening gown and was standing on a game show set.  
  
"Rrrrr," said Akane, strapped into a seat at the center of the stage.  
  
Yuka and Sayuri shrugged and sipped on their drinks in the studio audience with the rest of the class.  
  
"Hello," said Ranma, now wearing a business suit. "I'm Ranma Saotome, and welcome to 'What's Up, Doc?' The game show where you can really go up up up. This is your hostess today, the lovely and talented Kasumi Tendo. Our contestant today is Akane Tendo."  
  
The lights were slowly brought up to the sides of the raised platform where Akane sat. "Our guests today are:  
  
"Nabiki Tendo" Nabiki smiled and waved, still wearing the bunnysuit.  
  
"Witch Hazel."  
  
"Frankly, at my age, I'm just glad for the work. Heeheeheeheehee!"  
  
"Cobra Commander."  
  
"Well, since my series went bust, I can pretty much sympathize there with you, Hazel."  
  
"Yoiko, known to some as the tarotcard girl."  
  
"After being a one episode wonder, I'm just glad to get speaking lines again."  
  
"Ukyo Kuonji."  
  
"This is one of the most bizarre dream sequences I've ever been in," said the okonomiyaki chef.  
  
"And last but not least, Ryouga Hibiki and Akari Unryuu."  
  
"Where's the stage? Am I on?"   
  
"Ryouga-kun, let me help," Akari helpfully turned the chair around so that Ryouga was facing the correct way.  
  
"First question!" Ranma exclaimed.  
  
"I OBJECT!" Akane roared.  
  
Nabiki nodded, looking impressed. "That's right. The first question was 'How does a lawyer signal a disagreement with the current proceedings.' Very good, Akane!"  
  
Akane's chair moved a few feet up. "How do I go down?"  
  
"Akane, I thought you were too prudish for that sort of thing," said Kasumi. "Well, it's nice that you have an interest in sex though. I was beginning to worry."  
  
Akane blinked a couple of times. (click) "NononononononoNO!" (blush) (stammer) (fidgit)  
  
Ranma waggled his eyebrows. "My my, Akane, no wonder you're so popular with the boys. Next question, Witch Hazel."  
  
Akane pulled a paper bag out of somewhere and put it over her head.  
  
"Oh yes, dearie. Is it time to turn her into a pikachu?"  
  
"Already been done," said Ranma. "Besides I thought you were planning on turning her into a frog. Isn't that kind of traditional?"  
  
Witch Hazel tsked. "Oh heavens, that sort of thing has been overdone. Nowadays cute and fuzzy fighting plush toys are all the rage. You have to go with the times after all. Though maybe capturing her in a trading card would be more current-faddish."  
  
"Well, maybe in the next fic," allowed Ranma. "Your question, however, is this: why do slapstick specifically with Akane as opposed to Nabiki or Kasumi?"  
  
Akane lifted the bag off her head, curious about this herself.  
  
"Oh, child, that's too easy." Witch Hazel made an idle dismissing gesture that somehow changed Nabiki's outfit into a Bubblegum Crisis Knight Sabers hardsuit. "What is Akane's first reaction to a stimulus? Why it's physical! Her appeal is physical, her reactions are physical, she is first and foremost a physical character. Therefore when used in a humorous situation, she's best used in a slapstick or physical humor mode."  
  
"WHAT?!" Akane stared. "LET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR! I'LL SHOW YOU PHYSICAL!"  
  
"You see," said Witch Hazel, blinking innocently. "Whereas neither Kasumi nor Nabiki lend themselves well to slapstick."  
  
(shhhuk) Nabiki finally got the helmet off. "Hey, I've got an idea. Why not me in a Pepe Le Pew kind of role, chasing you about and trying to do all sorts of hentai things to you? Sort of a more friendly version of Coyote vs Roadrunner."  
  
"Oooooooo," said Ranma and a few others, picturing it.  
  
"The end of the episode is where I finally, after all the odds are beaten, the camera goes off screen and you hear wild smooching going on and then Porky does his line." Nabiki thought this had some significant possibilities.  
  
"WHAT?! Ranma, you pervert!"  
  
Everyone stared at Akane.  
  
"Uhm, no, Akane, that would be part of the humor. Nabiki would play the part of a pervert." Kasumi looked thoughtful. "Do you think you could manage it, Nabiki? Oh my!"  
  
Nabiki had changed clothes to "French cabaret wear" and now had an expression on her face that mixed lust and mischief into a very interesting mood.  
  
"I'm scared," said Ranma in a little boy's voice.  
  
The studio audience and the panel all started nodding. Yup. They believed Nabiki could pull it off.  
  
"Oh and since the question was answered correctly," Ranma said, raising Akane's chair an additional three feet.  
  
"I think I need to go down now," mumbled Akane.  
  
Ranma looked embarassed and fanned himself. "AFTER the show Akane."  
  
"Oh my!" Kasumi felt she needed to say something. "Akane! On national TV! It's nice that you're overcoming being a frigid manhater, and even if you *were* a misandric lesbian like Father thinks we'd support you, but don't you think that's a bit much to say on TV?"  
  
"Huh?!" Akane looked around and then saw them. Three large videocameras pointing in her direction. Akane whimpered.  
  
"Akane's looking a bit pale, don't you think?" Ranma asked the audience. "I thought so too. MAKEUP!"  
  
Kodachi Kuno steps up with a blue paint roller and runs it briefly over Akane's face.   
  
Akane spit. "What with this?!"  
  
Kodachi shrugged. Then reached up to her ponytail. (Ziiiiiiipppppppp!)   
  
Akane blinked as the Kodachi disguise came off. "Who the hell are you?!"  
  
"I am Spatgirl!" The girl in the skintight purple bodysuit declared, hoping that no one would notice that Ukyo Kuonji was missing from the panelist line-up. "Defender of justice and avenger of dowry-stealing!"   
  
"Yeah, right, and I'm Inaba the White Rabbit," declared Akane.  
  
Ranma held up a sign. [Rabbit Season]  
  
*BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!*  
  
Akane blinked then spat buckshot out of her mouth. "THIS IS JAPAN! WE HAVE GUN CONTROL!"  
  
"I have control of my gun," declared Sayuri. "I use both hands."  
  
"THAT ISN'T THE POINT!" Akane argued. "What would you do if I had said I was a Dirty Skunk?!"  
  
Ranma shrugged and demonstrated with another sign. [Dirty Skunk Season]  
  
*BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!**BLAM!*  
  
Coughing and sending little puffs of smoke out, Akane glared at Ranma. "You... You're despicable!"  
  
Porky Pig steps onto the set and reads from a thick sheaf of papers. "Ahem. TH-th-th-th-that's all folks!"  
  
=============  
  
Well, this was supposed to be just a *little* omake.  
  
Still, I think it turned out fairly interesting for all that. 


	18. a forceful father omake

Another Worse Father Omake  
  
by Gregg Sharp.  
  
--------  
  
"Well," agreed Greylle, "he *would* be a worse father than Genma. Almost guaranteed. Isn't he dead though?"  
  
"Death is not the end, as you well know," reminded the albino girl.  
  
"Kinda dark and all, isn't it?" Greylle loomed over the Well, which is fairly easy for a dragon. "i suppose it does fit though."  
  
--------  
  
Genma felt the presence looming closer, ever closer. He'd thought stealing from this shrine wouldn't be anything special. Boy, had *he* been wrong.  
  
As skeletal fingers reached out to rip the soul from his body, Genma tried one last ploy. "Don't take me! Take the boy!"  
  
Five year old Ranma, hiding, yelped.  
  
Seeing the hands of the ghostly being had stopped, Genma was heartened. "Yes, he's young, he's vital! Take him instead of me!"  
  
"Very well," whispered the cloaked figure, a cruel smile showing on the little amount of face displayed.  
  
Ranma yelped again as invisible forces lifted him up.  
  
"Come with me, my new padawan apprentice," instructed the late Emperor Palpatine. "You have much to learn."  
  
-------  
  
Nabiki and Soun ran to the door to see if this might indeed be Ranma. Both ran back into the living room a moment later. Not because of some wild panda. That *might* have scared them in other circumstances, but that was frankly as nothing.  
  
The guy with the hood covering the top part of his face wore menace as if it were a cloak. No, as if it were his skin.   
  
When he finally stood in the living room, he seemed to regard each of them briefly, then reached up to move the hood back.  
  
Nabiki's breath whisped. Handsome yes. The scar along his cheek made him even more attractive. No way would someone call him cute though, there was a hard edge to him that made him handsome but in a starkly dangerous manner.  
  
Soun knew better. Those were the eyes of a manslayer. No, a casual killer.  
  
A kettle floated in and splashed the panda, turning it into a portly and very subdued looking man.  
  
The kettle sat itself down on the table.  
  
"Make this quick, old man. You have one chance to redeem yourself after the previous fiasco. Even showing me that village of potential troops will not suffice if this is another one of your braindead manuevers."  
  
"Genma?" Soun regarded the bruised older of the two. "Then you must be..."  
  
"Ranma Saotome of the Sith," responded the young and somewhat frightening boy.  
  
"I could beat him," announced Akane, feeling threatened somehow. "I - GAKKK!"  
  
Ranma had lifted one hand almost lazily and acted as if he were holding some invisible cup. "I find your pride misplaced and your statement ludicrous."  
  
"URK..." Akane clawed at her throat, feeling as if a noose had been placed around it and it was growing tighter every second. "Ukkkk."  
  
"Behave, little girl, or I'll do worse," continued Ranma. The cupped hand went flat and pointed at Akane.  
  
Akane felt her throat released but now she was being pushed away.  
  
"Ranma, Soun and I long ago arranged that our families be joined," began Genma. "HACK! Ukkkk!"  
  
Ranma didn't even look at Genma. "Jusenkyo was bad enough. Trying to get me killed in that Amazon village was more amusing than anything else. Now this. Three strikes, Oyaji. Remind me to find my mother and punch her in the mouth for having anything to do with you."  
  
"Ukkkk. Not..." Genma clutched at his chest.  
  
"Oh this?" Ranma shrugged slightly. "A variant on the choking manuever. Instead of closing around your throat, I slowly crush your heart within your chest. Interesting variation, don't you think?"  
  
"Ukkkk!" Genma flopped back on his back, clawing at his gi.  
  
"And now, Oyaji," said Ranma with a slight pause and absolutely matter-of-fact manner, "you *will* die."  
  
"No, ukkkkk, you *must* marry," Genma gasped out. The world seemed to pause.  
  
If Ranma were engaged to Kasumi, there was a chance that calm and gentle would ease the raging beast in Ranma's heart. If Ranma were engaged to Nabiki, there was a chance that Nabiki would recognize the dangers and forsake her own dark path or would end up joining Ranma as a Sith.  
  
"must marry Akane," finished Genma.  
  
The universe cursed Genma briefly and went along on its current dark path.  
  
"Amusing," said Ranma. Still, the youngest had considerable anger and pride. She might make a suitable padawan, turned to the forces of evil. Perhaps.  
  
"ukkkk," said the almost dead Genma somehow still moving.  
  
"Uhmmm," said Soun, who might be an obsessive idiot and a spineless weenie but still had trouble with the concept of having one of his daughters marrying someone who could casually kill their own father. Slowly.  
  
Akane heard her own name being mentioned, knew that this violent person was in the process of killing his own father somehow, and reacted. Unfortunately picking up a table in order to brain Ranma with it was not the most clever move she could have made.  
  
*vshttttt-vmmmmmmm.*  
  
Akane blinked. Part of the table fell down, displaying that it had been neatly cut just shy of her fingers. There was also a stinging sensation in her right cheek and a mass of black hair on the floor.  
  
Ranma turned his lightsabre off and clipped it back on his belt.   
  
Akane's fingers came up and checked. She had very short hair now, as well as a cauterized cut just below one eye. She began to tremble. "You BASTARD!"  
  
*vshttt-vmmm vmmm.*  
  
Akane stared at the stump ending just below where her right hand had been. Then down at where a fist was in the process of unclenching itself. "What?! I..."  
  
Ranma held the lightsabre near the girl's neck briefly as he saw the fight drain out of her. A glance at the other two revealed horror on one's face, and the other was in shock. The emotions flowing through the room were even better. "Yesss. You may be suitable. Hate, fear, despair. You may make a suitable padawan apprentice if you can embrace the Dark Side."  
  
Genma had stopped moving.  
  
"YOUUUUUU MONSTERRRR!" Soun tried his dreaded Demon Head Attack.  
  
*vummmm vummmm!*  
  
As their father fell dead to the side, his head bouncing out the door, Akane brought her eyes up to glare at the fellow that had wrought all this.  
  
"Yes," said Ranma. "Hate me. Hate me and you will come to serve me!"  
  
"Never," swore Akane, cradling the stump of her arm. "I will never marry you!"  
  
"Who said anything about marrying you?" Ranma smirked. "If you hadn't noticed, I'm evil. Evil means self-gratification comes before all other concerns. You're evil too, I can see it in your heart - all that is needed is some basic instruction."  
  
"No," said Kasumi, standing up.  
  
Ranma didn't even look her way. "What can one untrained foolish girl do to me? No. I will take this pretty little bitch with me, and I will conquer Japan and rule it from the shadows. Get in my way, and you'll join your father."  
  
----------  
  
At the Well:  
  
Greylle looked ill. "Just another Ranma gets Akane story. Admittedly you don't see both fathers dead at the end of the meeting usually, but still - it's been done and done and overdone."  
  
"Oh?" Rei Ayanami cocked her head and regarded the dragon. "I thought the idea was to come up with a worse father than Genma. Doesn't this qualify?"  
  
"Well, yes," agreed Greylle. "The amusing part is to cast someone in the father role who has a worse reputation but still ends up with a happier situation."  
  
"I see," said the albino. "That's why no one has suggested Gendo Ikari then."  
  
"Exactly," agreed Greylle. "Though maybe i'm just biased against the usual Ranma & Akane pairing and want to see something different."  
  
Rei considered. "Then how about if the intersection point was moved to this earlier point, still on Coruscant but at these coordinates..."  
  
Greylle blinked, his eyes swirling blue. "It may have been done before..."  
  
-------  
  
Three year old Ranma pouted. "I don't see what some wrinkled green muppet is gonna be able to teach me! EEEK!"  
  
Said midget looked up, seeing four Sith smashing through windows and two more leaping through doors. Two carried rifles, two carried razor sharp throwing weapons with Smartlok(tm) guidance systems, and the two charging from the door ignited lightsabers.  
  
*Vshhht-vummm-vshh-vumm-shshhh-shuuuu-vshkkk-vummm-vshhh-shkk-vummm-vmmmmmmmmmm-vshht.clik*  
  
Ranma's eyes occupied most of his face as the "wrinkled green muppet" put the lightsaber away. Assassins started coming apart.  
  
"Right you must be. Nothing learn from me you can," agreed the little green fellow. "Go now you must. Building they will destroy to end my threat."  
  
Ranma was not a complete idiot. At least not yet. "Unless we're not here."  
  
"Learn you do," agreed the Jedi Master. "You must go if live you want. With me or without."  
  
Ranma, in a moment of wisdom that would have escaped him entirely if this were the manga, decided to stick with the little green muppet.   
  
He grabbed a couple of those weapon-thingies though. They struck him as being really neat.  
  
------  
  
Fifteen year old Ranma, now simply known as Ran, looked up at the sky. "He's coming."  
  
"Not for another year. Eat your stew."   
  
"I think I need to return," said Ran thoughtfully.  
  
"Return you must. Destiny hard thing to overturn. Ready you shall be." Yoda shrugged. "Not Master yet, but Knight - perhaps."  
  
Ran smirked. Praise didn't exactly come easy to Yoda. Especially after the disaster that was Anakin Skywalker. "There are others. Bultar Swan. Kyle Katarn. That Twi'lek girl. Obi-wan."  
  
Yoda smirked himself. Ran got along better with some people than others. "All have their parts to play, and some destinies harder than others. Yes. Your future uncertain. Maybe you return here. Maybe you stay there. It is hard to say. Yes."  
  
Ran sighed and went to the aged vehicle that had brought them here all those years ago. He straightened prior to entering it. "I do not see you here five years hence."  
  
"Old I am. When eight hundred years old you are, see how spry *you* are," grumbled the aged being. "Though fight with Happosai would I relish."  
  
Ran wondered who this 'Happosai' was but figured it might be something that his Master had foreseen. He'd have to watch for this opponent, who must be truly evil and powerful for Yoda to want to match skills with. "Goodbye Master, and... thank you."  
  
Yoda nodded. In some ways, politeness had been the most difficult lesson to teach the boy. "May the Force be with you, my Padawan."  
  
The ship had lifted off to become a dot in the sky when Yoda finally turned away. "You shall need it."  
  
---------  
  
Dimensional shunts were difficult, but he used the Force, and was one with it.  
  
His ship gently slipped through atmosphere, avoided radar nets, and landed in a deep woods. Concealing it was easy, something he'd long practiced. It wasn't a particularly big craft anyway - a Jedi Starfighter with two seats. The hyperdrive cradle he'd left in a lunar orbit. If he needed it, it would be hidden until his return.  
  
Now to see his parents and find out what kind of life his homeworld would offer him, or would he return. Even without Yoda, there were adventures to be had and causes to champion that would make that place his home.  
  
Maybe he could help out Katarn. Or hunt down those pirates operating in the Daghal system? There were a few Hutt crimelords who oppressed entire worlds. For that matter there were worlds with troubled rulers who could use the guidance of a Jedi.  
  
"'Adventure, excitement, a Jedi seeks not those things'," quoted Ran. Then he added the rest of the quote. "'Because those things find the Jedi more often than not.'"  
  
-------  
  
Ran tried not to throwup on seeing his father again. He wondered if his mother was using deathsticks or some other "recreational" drug, but he couldn't find any trace of it.  
  
*These* were his parents? Ran could hardly believe it, and praised the Force that Master Yoda had taken him in. Who knows how he would have turned out if that pudgy man with the greasy mind had been the one to raise him?  
  
The Jedi wondered *why* he had been hustled off on this training trip. *Especially* after scanning the area.  
  
"Come on, Ranma!" Genma hopped around atop a bamboo pole. "Prove to me you are not some weak little girl!"  
  
*SNAP!*  
  
A tiny application of the Force caused a stressed piece of bamboo to crack at a critical moment. Genma fell down and went  
  
*SPLASH!*  
  
"I've asked you repeatedly to call me Ran. Is that such a difficult task? Eh?" A big soggy panda came bouncing out of the pool to attack him. More alarming was that the aura immediately identified this creature as Genma Saotome.  
  
Ran flipped over the creature, then leapt clear of the springs. They were obviously strong with the Dark Side. No, on second thought they were more neutral. More like they encompassed chaos itself on some level. How odd.  
  
"Sirs! You no want to fall in spring," began the Guide.  
  
Ran had had enough of this and his hand made a sweeping gesture. "This was a foolish idea. We should go now."  
  
"Growf grobble groof grooo," said the panda, suddenly realizing that coming here had not been one of his better moods and they should leave.  
  
The Guide blinked. "Well, sirs, hot water reverse curse until next time... You want visit Amazon village while here?"  
  
-------  
  
The Annual Tournament was going full swing when the strangers arrived.  
  
Genma saw the feast and made a beeline for it.  
  
Ran looked around, feeling something...  
  
Cologne felt something herself and came at full speed. A Chi Master.  
  
Her eyes swept past the boy briefly then zeroed in even as his eyes locked on her.  
  
After spending years studying under Master Yoda, Ran was not one to underestimate someone because of their advanced age or reduced stature.  
  
Cologne saw a sixteen year old boy who had a mastery of chi and was so centered that he might well win a staring contest with a mountain.  
  
Shampoo saw a panda starting to eat her feast and got very upset and started yelling at the boy she thought was an owner. "(Stupid Outsider, control your panda!)"  
  
Ran looked at the girl and smiled and spoke in a calm tone. "You want to go beat up the panda who is responsible for this incident, not me."  
  
Shampoo blinked and found herself relaxing a little. "(I want to go beat on that damn panda. Not you.)"  
  
"You want to calm down and enjoy life more. You've just won a tournament, so you can be happy about that."  
  
Shampoo began to smile, feeling herself continue to relax. Such nice eyes this Outsider had! "(I want to calm down and enjoy life more, after all, I *have* just won the Tournament!)"  
  
"I can go about my business," suggested Ran in a calm friendly fashion.  
  
"(You can go about your business,)" agreed Shampoo, turning and going over to play a quick game of beat-the-panda.  
  
"(That was a nice trick,)" said Cologne as she noted this boy had a technique she did not and that he hadn't used it to harm Shampoo. In fact, from the sound of it, Shampoo had come off a lot better than she could have.  
  
"You don't want to bother me," said Ran companionably.  
  
"(Whatever kind of trick that was, it won't work on me, boy.)" Cologne looked him over. What a pity she couldn't engage him to Shampoo without some sort of pretext. The boy was tall, well muscled, and obviously an accomplished martial artist. Unfortunately, Shampoo was not exactly the brightest tool in the village shed and probably wouldn't do well with such a complicated boy.  
  
"Can't blame me for trying," said Ran. "I am Ran. A Jedi Knight."  
  
"You're Japanese?" Cologne pursed her lips curiously. "I didn't know the Japanese had martial artists of your caliber." Maybe a marriage expedition would be required, there were several young ladies of the village who had no suitors that they found suitable. If Japan were producing boys like *this* it was high time they took a better look at that nation.  
  
"I've trained elsewhere. My pardon, Elder, I think we found this village in error."  
  
------  
  
Shampoo watched the boy carefully all the time he was in the village. Cute. Very very cute. Obviously a martial artist. Also whoever he was, he was good enough to get her great-grandmother's attention.  
  
If he had been only cute, he would have been worth meeting. If he were a good martial artist, it would be worth checking him out further. A cute martial artist who appeared to be able to get the respect of her great-grandmother in a matter of minutes?!  
  
Oh yeah, Shampoo was checking this boy out. Of course, she wasn't the only one.   
  
When he left before anyone could figure out a pretense for a formal challenge, there was more than one sigh of disappointment.  
  
When the Matriarch mentioned in passing that the boy had come from Japan and that there might be other martial artists of his level...  
  
Reactions were mixed.  
  
-------  
  
Being almost dragged to the Tendo dojo, Ran wasn't sure what there was about this that even his usual Force trick of persuasion hadn't been able to get Genma to forget about it.  
  
"These are my daughters. Kasumi, she's 19. Nabiki, she's 17. Akane, she's 16." The middle aged man listed them as if he were a maitre'd and these were appetizers on the menu. "Pick any one you like, she'll be your new fiancee."  
  
Even with the Force, Ran hadn't seen this coming. "Excuse me?"  
  
Nabiki eyed the boy and licked her lips. She (unlike Akane) *liked* boys. Particularly boys who had lean muscled frames, were tall and broadshouldered, and that she could describe with words like "yummy" or "cute" or "eyes you could lose yourself in" or "studly." There was the urge to leap across the table, wrap herself around this boy and yell "minemineminemine." There was no doubt who this boy would end up with, Nabiki thought to herself. Akane the lesbian misandrist? Kasumi who didn't like younger boys? Nope, Fate had just given Nabiki Tendo something to fasten on besides money - and this was a feast!  
  
Kasumi knew that as the eldest, the duty should be hers to meet this obligation. However, the boy was polite. Polite was a virtue that for Kasumi would do a lot to counterbalance any other problems that might arise. While young boys were boring, immature, childish - this one seemed to have some dignity and a certain degree of maturity missing in many older men. He was also very handsome in a rugged lean manner like a gymnast, which a nineteen year old girl couldn't help but notice to some extent.  
  
Akane hid a scowl. She didn't like the idea of an arranged marriage, and she just plain hated boys. Unfortunately this boy had yet to do anything like ogle them or yell or get insulting. In other words, he wasn't acting like the sort of boy that Akane was used to dealing with on a normal basis. So she was trying to be polite while hoping that some way to get *out* of this deal could be found. Also that she wouldn't be chosen. She had enough troubles, she felt.  
  
"You really don't want to marry one of your daughters to a stranger," said Ran, making a sweeping gesture with one hand. "Maybe you should think this through a bit more."  
  
Soun nodded. "I really don't want to marry one of my daughters to a stranger. I should think this through."  
  
Three daughters blinked. One thought this looked awfully familiar. Two others were wondering if that had been what they thought it was.  
  
"I'm not actually a member of the Saotome School, I've studied another martial art entirely. Perhaps this should be considered." Ran sipped at his tea, apparently unconcerned.  
  
"As you've studied another martial art, perhaps this should be considered," thoughtfully said Soun Tendo.  
  
Nabiki eyed the odd gi Ran was wearing with new eyes. "So, you're a Star Wars otaku?"  
  
"What's 'Star Wars'?" Ran asked.  
  
Seeing blank looks on both fathers' faces, Nabiki wondered how to explain the movies to someone who had never seen them. "You know 'use the Force'?"  
  
Ran smiled pleasantly. "I do. So you know of the Force?"  
  
Akane snorted. An otaku. Bleah. Well, he should get along well with Kasumi then.  
  
"Uhm, yeah," said Nabiki, thinking it a pity that such a stud was deranged enough to take things like that seriously. Oh well, she could play along with it. "So what kind of ship have you got?"  
  
Ran felt the amusement radiating off one girl, the hostility from another, and the interest from the third. Hmmm. Why not? When they found out he wasn't planning to stick around, they'd drop this whole 'marriage' thing. Taking something that looked like a compact out of his pocket, Ran clicked it on so that a hologram of his ship rotated above the table. "This is it. It's an old ship but it gets me where I want to go."  
  
Three daughters stared.  
  
Genma shrugged. This wasn't martial arts, or food, so he wasn't interested. Soun was still puzzling over whether the engagement mattered if uniting the schools wasn't an issue.  
  
"Uhm. Does this mean you've got a lightsaber?" Nabiki's eyes flicked off the hologram to a chrome cylinder she'd glimpsed at his belt when he'd pulled that little gadget out.  
  
"Yes. I am a Jedi," said Ran, confused by the odd feelings he was getting from the three girls now.  
  
"Can you show me?" Kasumi asked, eyes big. A closet Star Wars otaku, she was beginning to tremble.  
  
Ran stepped outside and ignited his lightsaber briefly, then put it away. These reactions were quite strange.  
  
Hostility had fled the mind of Akane Tendo like morning dew in a blast furnace. Ranma, or Ran as Akane reminded herself he preferred to be called, was not a mere boy. He was her ticket out of Nerima, away from the Horde Of Hentai - her ticket to a destiny where she was Akane Tendo the Hero! Where there was no conflict between being a tough and in control woman and you could be cute and feminine at the same time! She hadn't been interested in those gaijin films, Kasumi had dragged her to them, but she resolved to watch them with more attention now!  
  
Nabiki had just rewritten this boy for the second time. From studly potential fiance to slightly deranged but cute potential brother-in-law to Ticket To The Big Time. It would be difficult to try and give up certain habits, but she could easily see herself in a sort of "Han Solo" role in interplanetary adventures. And here she was the fiancee of a Jedi! She could do things and go places that had only been dreams before, and all she had to do was reach out and touch those dreams!  
  
Kasumi's eyes were hungry. Sure, she was a meek little housewife. However she was a meek little housewife who had always hungered for the sort of thing you just couldn't find in Japan. She had seen Star Trek when she was a little girl and had wanted to work in those 23rd century kitchens. She had wanted to be a crewmember on the Space Cruiser Yamato, and share a glass of wine with Space Pirate Captain Harlock. To board the Galaxy Express 999 and watch stellar vistas pass by. She'd loved the "Rose Of Versailles" but never wanted to visit it as much as she'd wanted to hang around with the Sailor Senshi or welcome back Captain Kirk after a hard away mission. To her, Ran was suddenly the culmination of a lifetime of frustrated dreams.  
  
Ran had never been the focus of three gazes so intense that he felt almost as if he would combust on the spot.  
  
"Well, I suppose family honor and all..." "Mine!" "Oh my, I guess that as the oldest, that I must..."  
  
Three girls suddenly realized that they had all spoken simultaneously.  
  
Ran had a very bad feeling about this.  
  
-------  
  
Two fathers had seen their children off with hopes that even if the schools couldn't be united, the families could be.   
  
Three daughters were still arguing with each other about why *she* was the logical one to accompany Ran back to this other universe.  
  
Ran wondered why that purple-haired girl from the Amazon village was stalking them.  
  
Meanwhile, a girl who had been escaping from a master of tacky disguises was wondering what this parade was and why they were this deep in the woods.  
  
Ran wondered who the girl with the big spatula was and why so many people were showing up in the woods in the middle of nowhere like this.  
  
A lost boy noticed all the people and figured they were probably heading for civilization so he ought to follow them.  
  
Ran got to the ship, pulled the camouflage net off, and stowed it away. "As you can see, it's a two seater. I need to be able to work the controls. So there's no way..."  
  
"Kasumi, can you get your elbow out of my ear?" "Nabiki, I told you those shoes weren't practical, shouldn't you go home before you miss school?" "Akane, watch where you move your knee!"  
  
Shaking his head, Ran took out his lightsaber and slashed a few branches off a tree. He expected that weighted down - the vehicle wouldn't climb all that quickly. When he turned around, he blinked.   
  
"Pilot can sit in Shampoo's lap!"  
  
"This really isn't going to work out," began Ran. He expected after an hour these girls would be dealing with circulation cut off from limbs. Oh, he could make it to where a bigger vehicle was stashed. It would take two hours and he expected medical care would be necessary for those three.  
  
"Okay, Shampoo sit in nice Jedi Knight's lap!" Shampoo ignored the glares of death from the three girls behind her. The idea of being the first Amazon in space, of being some epic hero, and doing some serious swashbuckling was almost as good as the thought of getting away from Mousse. Heh.  
  
Ran sat down and almost immediately the Amazon tried to get in. "No. Stay." Three extra bodies was enough of a problem. Adding a fourth would be a bigger problem.  
  
Ryouga stared. A spaceship?! That meant that that guy was an alien and he was abducting those women! It was the duty of a martial artist to stop the bad guys!  
  
Ran noticed that someone who had strong leanings with the Dark Side was attacking, used the Force to yank his feet out from under him, and started an immediate launch sequence. Of course, with his attention off Shampoo he found someone occupying his lap immediately thereafter.   
  
As the cockpit began to close, Ukyo heard Tsubasa's voice, saw a means of escape, and took it.  
  
Ryouga found his feet, and saw the ship heading off into the sky, though a bit unsteadily. For some reason the cockpit of the ship reminded him of those old pictures of a phone booth stuffed with too many people. "Don't worry, I'll rescue you!" How he was supposed to do this completely escaped Ryouga, but he couldn't let evil alien bodysnatchers steal Earth's women, could he?  
  
-------  
  
Two hours later, they'd docked with a larger ship.  
  
Fifteen minutes after THAT, the three daughters Tendo, plus one Amazon and one okonomiyaki chef, were in an infirmary resting from their ordeal.  
  
Ran wondered how he was going to convince them to return. Persuasion worked on the weak minded, though also on stronger minds when you were persuading them of something they were inclined towards anyway. A guard with a strong mind who was tired and just wanted to reach the end of his shift could very easily be convinced that he didn't actually see an intruder because he *wanted* to believe his shift would end uneventfully.  
  
Each and every one of these girls was *convinced* that they were better off here than back home. Well, maybe after they'd tired of this place they'd be easier to persuade. He'd just have to keep an eye on them.  
  
------  
  
"TIE Fighters dead ahead," warned Nabiki, feeling that she had truly attained her destiny at the helm of a starship.  
  
"Oh my, R5, keep an eye on things will you?" Kasumi asked of the squat little droid. The droid beeped back reassuringly.  
  
"Shampoo at control of weapons console. Is only natural for womans of Amazon village!" Shampoo felt that she was in *her* element.  
  
"Can't let the bimbo have all the fun," agreed Akane from the lower turret. "They're coming in range."  
  
In the co-pilot's chair, Ukyo fretted. She hated having nothing to do in times like this but they'd played Rock-Paper-Scissors for the two turrets. Darn it.  
  
Ran wondered why control of the ship and the situation had fled from his grasp almost as soon as the girls had gotten out of sickbay. What had he done to deserve this?  
  
Then the Imperial Fighters were upon them and the Battle Of Endor was well and truly underway.  
  
-------  
  
At the Well:  
  
"It's been done before?" Rei blinked, not seeing how this was possible.  
  
Greylle nodded. "Almost certainly."  
  
"Oh," said Rei. "Do you mind if I watch how it turns out?"  
  
"Go right ahead," said the dragon, wondering if the approaching Exe or Batt meant that one of them had some new and innovative idea to try out.  
  
========= 


	19. another fatherly omake

Another "Worse Father Than Genma" omake:  
  
Greylle stared. Exe stared. Batt stared.   
  
This was an unexpected crossover.  
  
"'What if Ranma was raised by Thomas Magnum?!" Exe exclaimed. "Okay, I'll give it points for being unexpected. Original. Different. He never meets the Tendo family though, and that *was* one of the major stipulations in these simulations."  
  
"He listens to that little voice and never goes anywhere near Nerima, learns to pilot a helicopter and help out 'Magnum PI' in his later years. Eventually becomes a worldclass martial artist, but operating in Hawaii as opposed to Japan." Greylle nodded, his scales gleaming like a chrome waterfall as he swiveled his long neck to observe the two goddesses accompanying him. "Nice, upbeat, happy, but it does fail one of the major points of the simulation as Exe indicated."  
  
"You know," said Batt, motioning to her friend Exe. "There is *one* potential father for Ranma that I haven't seen who would potentially be *very* different."  
  
"Oh? Who?" The dragon had this odd feeling of danger. Was Ares around again?  
  
Batt cast a spell quickly. "You."  
  
-------  
  
What If Greylle Had Raised Ranma? an omake by Gregg Sharp  
  
-------  
  
"In order to make Ranma a True Martial Artist, someone capable of bringing fame and fortune to the Saotome family name, we must go on an extended training trip." The stocky Genma tried not to look nervous but there were several downsides to staying here.  
  
1) The longer he remained around here, the sooner Nodoka would realize that he was *not* Genma.  
2) The longer he remained around Nodoka, the weirder her attempted seduction techniques were getting and he was running out of excuses *fast*.  
3) Sooner or later, Genma's past would catch up with him. Either Happosai or Tendo at the very least.  
4) He hated fat. He really needed to get this body in shape just so he could deal with it. Yechhh.  
  
"No! You can't!" Nodoka picked up a tea tray to repeatedly hit Genma with but by then her "husband" was already gone. All that was left was a note.  
  
"I will bring back Ranma as a credit to the Saotome name. -G"  
  
-------  
  
Genma considered. How to make this different? If he were to try and follow the script, he'd go down to Kobe where Ukyo and her father were training.   
  
"We go train?" Little Ranma asked, sniffling. Not crying of course. That wasn't manly.  
  
"Yeah, i'm just trying to figure out where." Genma mused aloud. The Amazon village? Nah, Cologne might figure out what he was. Tibet? Maybe. Oh. THAT might work. "Come on, Ranma. i know just the place!"  
  
"Where?" Ranma hitched up his pants and tried to keep up with his father.  
  
Genma grinned. "We're going to go see monsters."  
  
Ranma nodded. He'd remembered that from one of those nights he'd been scared. It was the duty of a martial artist to fight monsters.  
  
-------  
  
A giant carnivorous mole sped towards the boy, intending to make a quick meal.  
  
Fifty feet of gleaming silver dragon turned the predator into the prey.  
  
Ranma's eyes were *huge* as the dragon transformed back into his father.   
  
Genma smirked. "Now *that* is an unarmed combat technique that has some serious power behind it. Heh."   
  
"HowdidyoudothatCanIdothatWhencanIstartthetraining?!"  
  
"Food first, training later," said Genma. "We give the mole thanks for providing food and sustenance. Then we make steaks and grill them over an open fire."  
  
A half hour later, Ranma blinked up at his father, having a full belly making him a little lethargic. "Tastes like chicken."  
  
-------  
  
The giant birds tasted more like turkey, Ranma decided after careful consideration.  
  
Genma had remembered enough training under the valkyries to put himself and Ranma through the equivelant of boot camp. He was out to make Ranma a martial artist, and going too soft wasn't an option.  
  
Though there *were* some other things he could do.  
  
Watching the six year old boy playing with the younger girl, Genma nodded to the Professor. "Your daughter has some special needs and talents, and i think it's best if she were encouraged to develop those talents in a manner Japanese society will find acceptable."  
  
The Professor nodded back. "Very well. In light of your previous help. I would never have expected those power spikes to appear, it would have been disastrous had those extra protection fields not been installed."  
  
Genma nodded. They would have allowed a supernatural entity known as Pharoah 90 to send Geramatou to possess Professor Tomoe and then use an essence fragment to corrupt his daughter Hotaru. Seeing Ranma and Hotaru playing together was irresistable. "Say Professor - i've got another idea that might interest you."  
  
--------  
  
The buff martial artist (having worked at it so that he had lost fat tissue and now had thick muscles - except for a slight paunch that seemed to defy efforts at its elimination) whistled a happy tune.  
  
A visit to the Kino household with some forged documents had brought out a generations old agreement to unite the Saotome and Kino clans. Ah well, it had waited this long. If it didn't work out, it could wait another generation.  
  
Little five year old Makoto had fixated on her sempai almost immediately. Seven year old Ranma decided that *this* girl wasn't icky. Kind of like Hotaru-chan in that regard.  
  
Ranma strutted along behind his father. "Where now, Pops?"  
  
"There's ancient martial arts in Tibet, full of secret techniques," suggested Genma.  
  
"We flying?" Ranma's eyes gleamed. He'd seen his Pop shift into a dragon and fly before. Looked fun!  
  
Genma chuckled. "Yes. That might work."  
  
"Cool!"  
  
---------  
  
Pages of a calendar begin flying by on the breeze.  
  
Eight year old Ranma, walking up beside his father to a hidden monastery in icy mountains.  
  
Nine year old Ranma, looking very embarassed as shrine maiden apprentice Hotaru heals his hand of a cut. Little Hotaru is looking embarassed too but very very pleased.  
  
Ten year old Ranma, on a Marine base, learning their martial arts and how to drive a jeep while Genma works on souping up other jeeps.  
  
Eleven year old Ranma fighting Thai slavers alongside his father.  
  
Twelve year old Ranma riding an old beat-up motorcycle alongside his father through a montage background of temples and dojos.  
  
Thirteen year old Ranma manifesting huge amounts of chi as he learns the dragonfist. Genma looks suitably impressed.  
  
Fourteen year old Ranma bidding farewell to twelve year old (but just as tall) Makoto. Makoto flinging herself on and clinging until Genma apologetically pulls her off. Ranma just looks embarassed.  
  
Fifteen year old Ranma standing in an arena, holding a massive golden belt over his head.  
  
--------  
  
Ranma looked over the fantastic apparatus built in this lab and tried to figure out the purpose.  
  
"That should do it," said Genma, dusting his hands off. "Professor Tomoe, can you check the accumulators?"  
  
"Everything looks like its working, though I admit the principles seem more a work of fantasy than science." Soichiro Tomoe looked carefully at the device and even though he had been following the blueprints mailed to him, along with some very strange parts, admitted he wasn't too sure about its operation either.  
  
"It's simple enough, are you familiar with the Dreamtime/Overworld concept?" Genma checked a few indicators himself and grunted in satisfaction. Years of working under Hephaestus and later on his own had given him some familiarity with various magical theories.  
  
"No," admitted Professor Tomoe. Ranma (and Hotaru - who was hiding) were both glad of that response as they didn't either.  
  
"Okay, uhm, picture a multi-strata gas giant such as Jupiter... no never mind. Uhm, picture a chocolate parfait. One with several layers. Except the boundaries overlap some. Our existence - the so-called 3Dimensional world (though that's quite inaccurate) is one layer. Partially drifting through the 3Dimensional world is the Astral plane. Your earlier attempts at a microuniverse was actually a dimensional shunt into an underdimension. What we're doing is going slightly up. Though this is a vast simplification."  
  
Ranma nodded. Some form of quantum shift then? Instead of a full etheric shift from 1.0 to 2.0 you were going to 1.5 or something? No wonder you needed stabilizing mechanisms and shield generators.  
  
Hotaru blinked, completely lost.  
  
"I see," said the Professor. "So what is this device supposed to do?"  
  
Taking a deep breath, Genma continued. "There are entities far friendlier than Pharoah 90, Professor. Specifically there are Spirit Lords of each animal type. Hotaru, sooner or later, will become one of Earth's champions against an extradimensional evil. She will be attacked by her own allies, at least two of whom will try to kill her."  
  
"They ain't gonna lay a finger on her," growled Ranma. "Or else we'll see how they handle a Ryunoken!"  
  
Hotaru grinned at the evidence that Ranma-sempai would come to her rescue.  
  
"That's very well and good, Ranma, but not all of her future allies will be intent on striking down Sailor Saturn and if you strike them down it will cause other problems." Genma patted the machine. "Such as all of them deciding to come after you and then Hotaru. Against one or two, you and I can prevail. Against all? Even if we defeat them, we sow the way for other menaces in the future. Hotaru can not win alone. This is what will help."  
  
"Spirit Lords?" Professor Tomoe sat back and examined the machine. Was that a pair of emerald eyes forming briefly in that cylinder. Had they just *winked* at him? Surely not.  
  
"Perhaps a Spirit Champion or Totem would be more accurate." Again Genma tapped the machine. "This simply allows the link to be set up. In defense of the planet or at other times, the Totem will allow the linked person to transform into a Beast Warrior - sort of lycanthropy without the dependence on the moon or tendency to go feral."  
  
"The benefits of which are?" Professor Tomoe was frankly skeptical.  
  
"Increased speed, strength, healing factor, some other abilities. The link could only be forged with the willing participation of both parties. As long as the person is not given to fits of, say, unreasoning anger or evil thoughts, the spirits attracted will be neutral at worst or good at best. That's why the absolute secrecy of this project. The potential for misuse is considerable."  
  
"Hmmm," said Soichiro Tomoe. Maybe they could test this on mice first.  
  
------  
  
Ranma snuck into the lab. Even after the Ryunoken (Dragonfist) training, after all the special techniques, his Pop still wouldn't teach him how to turn into a dragon. He still wasn't strong enough to defend Hotaru against the menaces in her future?  
  
Well, that was *BULL*. If he could get stronger this way, he needed to. Hotaru and the world - both needed strong fighters.  
  
Besides, he'd learned from years with his Pop - it was easier to get forgiveness than permission.  
  
The device was ridiculously easy. It was even powered up. All he had to do was hit the activation sequence detailed in the cheat sheet, step into the cylinder, and...  
  
Ranma's eyes widened as he saw a shape sneaking away from where she'd been concealed. Hotaru. What had she been...?!  
  
*Why seek you my strength?*  
  
"To defend the world!" Ranma said.  
  
*You say that, but I see truth. Pride. Yet you have other reasons as well. To protect your mate. To protect others. To prove yourself. Yesss. You will do.*  
  
Ranma screamed as power flooded through him.  
  
-------  
  
"You two should be ashamed of yourselves," Genma said sternly. "Do you know what chances you took?"  
  
Hotaru's tail twitched behind her, betraying her agitation. Her ears were flat and her manner downcast.  
  
Ranma wasn't much better. "But..."  
  
"No excuses!" Genma turned his eyes heavenward. "You try your best to raise a child, and what happens the moment your back is turned?"  
  
"True." Soichiro looked disapprovingly at his daughter. "Hotaru, I am very disappointed. Perhaps we should cancel the engagement."  
  
The fur all along Hotaru's spine went up in a ridge and if anything she looked even more miserable. "No, Papa. PLEASE?!"  
  
Professor Tomoe felt his resolve beginning to waver under that tearful look. Hotaru was just old enough to be able to appreciate boys and understand exactly what was involved in a marriage. She wouldn't be able to get married for a few more years yet, but from the way she eyed her fiance and nearly fainted from the resulting blush - she was hardly averse to the concept. "What exactly did they merge with?"  
  
Genma was better at ignoring the pleading look from Hotaru and the sullen look from Ranma. "Hotaru has merged with the Panther Totem. Notice her fur is so black it has purple highlights. Once she gets used to it, she'll be able to change back. Just watch she doesn't pick up too many feline mannerisms and start clawing the furniture. Ranma has the Cheetah Totem. Tsk tsk."  
  
Ranma grumbled something indistinct.  
  
"It could be worse. We could go to Jusenkyo and then you'd turn into a *female* werecheetah."  
  
Ranma, Hotaru, *and* Soichiro shuddered.  
  
--------  
  
"Oh, do we gotta?!"  
  
"Yes, Ranma. Unfortunate. A man must stand by his honor. Fortunately, there are other more pressing engagements so we'll deal with this one quickly."  
  
--------  
  
"Excuse me?" Soun stared. "You're..."  
  
"Genma Saotome," agreed the individual.   
  
However he didn't *look* like Genma. This guy was leaner and far more muscular. He had a long thick mane of silver hair and his glasses were wraparound blue-tinted sunglasses.  
  
"We're just briefly dropping by," continued Genma. "The union of the Saotome and Tendo schools was made improperly, and there are both more important and more pressing claims."  
  
Ranma smiled apologetically. "Nothing can be done. Sorry."  
  
"WHAT?! GENMA, HOW DARE YOU?!"  
  
"Besides, i have it on reasonable authority that if we try to unite the two schools, the Master will return."  
  
Soun sat back down. "Oh. Reasonable authority, eh? How reasonable."  
  
"A shrine priestess in Juuban who makes uncannily accurate predictions," said Genma. "For the sake of the world, He Who Must Not Be Named must not return."  
  
Soun deflated. "True. How true. And so we must sacrifice the merger in order to safeguard all of Japan. Ah, the path of a true martial artist is littered in tragedy."  
  
"Besides, you've got to choose one of your daughters to marry that Chardin fellow, remember?"  
  
"ERK!"  
  
Seeing her father's hair sticking out in all directions, Nabiki made a wild guess. "Any more engagements you've forgotten to mention, Daddy?"  
  
----------  
  
"So come on," challenged Akane. She really wanted to measure herself against a true martial artist as opposed to the idiots at school. Ranma was supposedly the Heir to the Saotome side of Anything Goes.  
  
Ranma looked over the girl, assessing chi level and general skill. "Nah. Even if I went at 10%, that might still be too much."  
  
Genma nodded. "You should never fight the weak if there is an alternative. Sorry, Miss Tendo."  
  
"Weak?" Akane repeated.  
  
"We ought to be going soon anyway, we have some serious matches to participate in over the next few days," explained Ranma. "You know. Some really strong opponents."  
  
Akane's eyes narrowed. "So you're all talk? Some kind of coward."  
  
"Now she's done it," grumbled Genma. "Okay, Ranma. Just hold back a lot and no transforming! No major chi attacks, and don't use any special manuevers. Treat her like a fragile little girl, you don't want to injure her."  
  
"I already know all that," responded Ranma. "Yeesh."  
  
Akane was beginning to glow blue and twitch. "Don't underestimate me!"  
  
The trip out to the dojo, far from giving Akane time to calm down, caused her to get even more upset. Especially from the flippant attitude the two were giving. Genma was making a bet with Nabiki about how long she'd be unconscious?! Her father was wailing about the imminent death of his youngest daughter? Nabiki was getting an ambulance company set up on the speed dialer? Kasumi was checking to make sure the first aid kit was ready?   
  
By the time they'd taken their places, Akane was more than ready to wipe that smirk off this Ranma Saotome's face.  
  
"Last chance," said Ranma, not really wanting to beat up this girl. "You're pretty cute, I'd hate to humiliate you in a casual yet aggravating fashion."  
  
Normally Akane would respond to being called pretty or cute in a positive manner, however this was just further indication how little regard her fighting skills were being held in. She was Akane Tendo, undefeated champion of Furinkan High School! She was the Heir of the Tendo Anything Goes Martial Arts! She practiced a whole two hours, four days a week! She was going to have to seriously maim this insufferable boy to show him who was really a Master Of The Art.  
  
"Begin!" Nabiki dropped her hand and raised the videocamera. Talk about transformations had intrigued her.  
  
Akane ran forward and threw a punch.  
  
"Too slow." Ranma grabbed, spun, and threw Akane.  
  
Feeling herself flying through the air, Akane reacted in the manner of a really good martial artist, rolling in a flip that would let her land properly.  
  
"Still too slow." Ranma was somehow there ahead of her. He struck, his fists going into a blur that stopped Akane and reversed her direction again.  
  
"Don't make me humiliate you" (zip) "any longer" (zip) "Miss Tendo." (zip)  
  
Nabiki's mouth was hanging open as she watched a game of volleyball where her sister was the ball and both opposing teams were the same guy just moving faster than Akane could fall.  
  
Akane finally hit the ground.  
  
"Come on, Ranma. Stop showing off." Genma sighed. "Your daughter will be fine, Soun, she'll just be a little bruised for awhile. You should have trained her better than that."  
  
Soun went from outraged to sheepish.  
  
"A *little* bruised?!" Nabiki looked at her sister. "Is there any part of her skin that *won't* be bruised?!"  
  
Ranma briefly thought about that. "Uhm yeah. I didn't hit any 'Instant Kill' points or anyplace improper. Uhm, you might want to give her some extra pillows to sit on though. And I'd suggest soft foods for awhile. I was holding back a lot but..."  
  
"We'll have to train you more on working with delicate and fragile targets I see." Genma sighed heavily. "More training. Just when I was hoping we could stick around one place for awhile."  
  
----------  
  
Genma wiped tears away from his face. They made such a beautiful couple. They'd had to wait a few years, but as he understood it these older guy/younger girl pairings were fairly endemic to certain genres of anime.   
  
Sixteen year old Hotaru shyly kissed her husband, the nineteen year old Ranma Saotome.  
  
From wastrel martial artist to world savior. That wasn't too bad.   
  
The extra wards around Happosai's prison meant that the little pervert wouldn't be showing up after all.  
  
Ryouga never met Ranma, never formed a vengeance obsession, and likely had never visited Jusenkyo.  
  
Everybody was happier, right? Except that Genma felt he'd missed something somewhere. Someone wasn't happier. Who? Genma tried to think of who it could be. Ukyo? No, she was at her father's restaurant still. Shampoo? No, she was still village champion. Hmmm. Nope, couldn't think of anyone.  
  
-------  
  
Akane Chardin tried to pull the skirt on her maid's outfit down and wondered if maybe Kuno wouldn't have been a better choice.  
  
============ 


	20. experimental setting omake

still working around an alternative on the pokegirls concept...  
  
--1991. Tokyo. Chiba District--  
  
Ranma frowned as the commentator went on and on. Blah blah blah. Like anyone didn't already know this stuff. Heck, he'd been dragged all over the world learning martial arts by that stupid Oyaji of his, and *he* knew most of this!  
  
"We all remember what happened in 1984. I myself was working at Mishima Heavy Industries when the reports first came in. Some American feminist ultra-radical organization had developed a super-plague that would wipe out all men, based on a germ found in an ice sample in the Antarctic. Something that would attack the neural centers dealing with violence and with sex, so that even if some men survived the initial effect - they would be peaceful and gender neutral. At first we thought it was just some new movie's ad campaign, you know how ridiculous Americans could be!"  
  
Ranma snorted. Like much of the Old America had survived. Their "personal freedom over the safety of the masses" stance had died in the first few months of the Plague. The United States had become a sort of pariah to the world communities since then anyway. Still, some of the guys over there were all right. Those months he'd spent hanging around that military base learning some of that Army Ranger stuff had been pretty cool.  
  
"And we all remember," said the speaker, "when the virus mutated. One can't help but wonder what the Feminist Militia thought about it when the 10% fatality rate of men and the universal lowering of so-called male aggression levels that they had aimed for, became the neurophage that infected women. Two years for the Male Plague to go through and the development of the vaccine to prevent further deaths. One year for the Neurophage left in the female carriers to awaken. When *I* was your age, there had been no inkling of the horrors to occur later."  
  
Ranma tried to suppress a yawn. Blah blah blah. Same old thing. He'd never even met any girls, Pops had seen to that, and while he could feel something for the anguish other people went through - he hadn't any emotional attachments himself. All he had to go on was the pictures.  
  
"There are still some women alive, kept in biologically secure environments, under restraint so that they can't injure themselves." Professor Natsume shuddered. "My own wife had been a keenly intellectual woman, a ruthless business executive, but a loving mother. To see the intelligence slowly leave her as the virus ate away at her..."  
  
Okay, this part Ranma could sympathize with. Sorta like going into the Nekoken without any chance of getting out. He'd have *hated* to see that happen to anyone he knew about. To feel helpless while people you care about go through something similar to that Alzheimer's thing. Until the final stage where their whatchamacallit - the part of the brain that kept the heart and stuff running shut down. So they'd built hundreds of those cryo-something coffin things so that when a way of killing the virus without killing the girl was found, they'd be able to revive 'em.  
  
"Which is why I'm pleased to announce the newest development from Mishima, in conjunction with several other major industries." Professor Natsume gestured offstage. Someone got up on stage with him in response.  
  
Ranma was dimly aware of the crowds around him and the television crews waking up and staring.  
  
There was a girl on stage with the Professor. Wearing one of those seifuku style uniforms and with long pink/purple hair.   
  
But all the surviving human women were frozen or in "bubbles" - but why would the Professor be bringing out a crossdresser? Except she didn't *look* like a crossdresser.  
  
"This is Atsuko, the first personacon. She's actually a sort of cyborg, but using some of this very technology - we should be able to develop mass production androids almost indistinguishable from human girls!" Professor Natsume's arms were windmilling wildly in excitement.  
  
Guys just stared. Ranma wasn't sure why, but something about that girl spooked him. How strange. Well, now that the trip to China was called off (international travel restrictions - in China this meant being shot on sight) maybe Oyaji could come up with something special for the graduation from Junior High.  
  
-------  
  
--1992. Tokyo. Nerima.--  
  
"This is my friend Soun Tendo," explained Genma. "We'll be staying here while you attend Furinkan High School."  
  
"S'pose this means I'll be doing the cooking again," griped Ranma on seeing "Cup Ramen" containers everywhere.   
  
"Would you rather eat my cooking?" Genma replied.  
  
Ranma snorted. "Yeah, fine. I'll cook."  
  
Soun blubbered. First his wife died and now his three darling daughters were popsicles. Even if a cure were found tomorrow, Akane would be twelve years old, Nabiki thirteen. Kasumi had been one of the first frozen and would be fourteen biologically. Most likely, like the cryogenic suspension process, it would take a couple of years or more just to unfreeze the survivors. So the age gap would be even greater when his daughters were told of the arrangement. Soun HAD to think of it as "when" - he couldn't handle it if it turned out to be "if".  
  
"Son," Genma began, trying to think of a way to put it. Originally Ranma would have been forced to marry one of Soun's daughters. Right now that was not an issue. "Uhm, no. Soun. How bad were your daughters...?"  
  
"They said Kasumi was showing signs of it, but I didn't notice anything more than normal. She was frozen when she was fourteen. Akane and Nabiki were showing signs of the disease - forgetting things and having trouble with tasks they would have done easily a week before when they were finally..." Soun Waterworks. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.  
  
Genma sighed. Ranma was sixteen, marriageable age. If he understood what Soun wasn't saying, while his daughters might be alive they were in one of those frozen coffins like Nodoka and far too young for Ranma to marry even if they could be cured immediately. Damn scientists, couldn't they put off all this nonsense about "containment of further mutations of the virus" and stupid concerns like "safety of the remaining population" aside so that his son could take over the dojo and he could retire!  
  
Ranma winced. Man, this place was a mess! How many years had it been since anyone had cleaned in here?  
  
"So what have you been up to, Saotome?" Soun asked when he was a little more under control.  
  
"Training the boy most of the time, though in the past year I've been in touch with Natsume."  
  
Soun blinked. "Old 'Wild Bang' Natsume? I hear he's the head of Mishima R&D now."  
  
"Yes," said Genma, "and... you're not going to like this."  
  
"What?" Soun blinked as he started looking around and realized he could see the floor again. Oh, Saotome's son was using a shovel and a trashcan to clean up? He'd almost forgotten what it was like not to step on instant ramen packages.  
  
"Remember when I cheated off Natsume's test scores, remember what Kyusaku said to me?" Genma got ready for it, knowing what was coming.  
  
"Oh yes, he was going to marry a daughter off to your son if you ever had one." Soun nodded absently. "Said that with your brawn and his brains it ought to make a good match. Still, he doesn't have any daughters does he? Any more than I currently do." (sob waaaaaaaaahhh)  
  
Ranma put the water to good use, swabbing grime off the floor with it. Hey, waitaminute?! "WHAT?!"  
  
"Uhm, actually," stalled Genma. "Remember that bit about the android girls, placeholders in our society for when human women would make their comeback? Except that they seem to be gaining a lot more popularity internationally."  
  
Soun shrugged then froze. "...no..."  
  
Genma shrugged. "Heck, one of my nephews is apparently working with a company called Cyberdyne that is specializing in such things."  
  
--------  
  
Keiichi Morisato touched the picture of his kid sister. Megumi. She hadn't shown any traces of the virus but had enough sense to fake it so that she'd be frozen right away. Well, maybe she'd gotten a *little* forgetful. He hadn't seen her since April 3 1985 when she'd gone into cryostasis.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Keiichi turned back to the work in progress. As a college student he couldn't afford a personacon. Or marionette, or cyberdoll, or whatever else. It seemed each company producing them had a different name and different features.  
  
On the other hand, he *was* an engineering student. He was more comfortable with mechanical engineering than the electronic end, but Saotome-san over at Cyberdyne had been in touch and now after three weeks of mainly sleepless work, he would see if the parts he'd gotten and that "Maid OS" worked. Saotome-san had stated that he wanted to help out a fellow engineer, and that while he couldn't *give* away a functioning unit, he could get him some sort of prototype unit and let Keiichi have it in the interests of longterm field testing.  
  
Keiichi might not have been interested, even with the potential for long term employment in a cutting edge technology, but something about the design sketches had stirred him somehow.  
  
Hesitantly, Keiichi reached out and touched a panel. The lights dimmed as power was fed into the unit, bypassing the batteries still sitting on his workbench. He had to know *now*.  
  
Lids blinked and blank blue eyes briefly regarded him before they blinked again. This time they focussed directly on him and a hesitant smile crept across the android's face.  
  
"Hello. I am Virtually Engineered Robotic Domestic Android - Neural Intelligence. A Prototype unit from Cyberdyne Corporation." Her head cocked to the side slightly as she regarded him. "Thank you for activating me."  
  
"Virtually..." Keiichi shook his head. "Don't you have something easier I can call you?"  
  
Still smiling pleasantly, the android blinked. "Well, my acronym is VERDANI, Master."  
  
"Belldandy?" Keiichi frowned. "And don't call me Master. It sounds... wrong."  
  
She blinked again, storing the new name. "Yes. Do you want to be my boyfriend?"  
  
Keiichi smiled, even as he felt all that missed sleep finally catching up with him. "That sounds nice..."  
  
Belldandy blinked again, then took out one of her access jacks and connected to the Internet. She had to find out more about the duties of a girlfriend. Also her own construction. The poor dear hadn't even finished hooking her up.  
  
-------  
  
Ranma sighed. Just his lot in life. Suffer, suffer, suffer. He kinda missed hanging with Ryouga and wondered if the boy was still wandering around Japan. At least they'd gotten their fight out of the way. Back to suffering. School+Ranma=Trouble. Even with *his* math scores he knew that was the way it worked.  
  
"Happy birthday to me," sang Nuku Nuku. "Rannie, why are we walking on the fence again?"  
  
"Balance practice," mumbled Ranma. Well at least she was cute. And not a slouch in the strength or speed department either. A bit ditzy - but that wasn't nearly so bad. "And don't call me Rannie."  
  
"Oh," said Nuku Nuku. "Koibito? Iinazuke? Anata? Darling?"  
  
Ranma shuddered at each of those. "Just *Ranma* - okay?"  
  
"Oh," repeated Nuku Nuku. "Wai wai! We're here!"  
  
LOTS of boys stared as Ranma walked in, but none were looking at him until Nuku (following Genma's advice) started hanging on to Ranma's arm. Then those were quite obviously looks of unbridled jealousy.  
  
"Who is this fair angel who attends Furinkan?" A boy stepped from concealment. "A fair beauty such as this deserves to decorate the arm of someone far nobler than this base peasant."  
  
Nuku Nuku blinked. "Huh?"  
  
"Give it a rest, man. We're two new students and we got enough hassles without some moron playing like they're all that," responded Ranma. Just his luck he gets a fiancee and he *still* has to take on all the household chores. Not that Nuku Nuku hadn't tried to help. It was just that her help was more work for Ranma.  
  
"Oh, right. Bai bai!" The catgirl android bounced into the building. "We got to speak to da Principal and get enrolled."  
  
Kuno pondered this development. How could a girl have returned, free of the Plague that had claimed his twisted sister, and *not* thrown herself into his arms? "Truly, as the Bard himself might have penned, this situation doth carry a most unpleasant scent."  
  
"Yeah, it stinks," said Hiroshi.  
  
"Nah, it sucks," opined Daisuke.  
  
"I'll tell you what sucks, dude," Hiroshi put in. "10,000 yen for a back issue of Playboy. THAT'S what sucks."  
  
Kuno watched the boys filing into the school. "Truly, these pedestrians with their boorish entertainment. Still, I must think long on this development. Perhaps I should write a haiku to tell the pink-haired angel of my love."  
  
-------  
  
Mousse took a good look around the Amazon Village and shouldered his pack.   
  
There were a few guys left in the village - this was home and where else would they go?  
  
You could tell that something was wrong though. Too many houses empty. Too many shops or cookfires cold and dark. Too many places showing no sign of life.  
  
The Amazons had believed that their eugenics program and clean living would protect them from the virus. To some extent it had. Shooting any Outsider that threatened to come close had probably given them more leeway than other areas.  
  
Cologne out of all the Amazons had recognized that these were temporary measures, that sooner or later that which had destroyed the Outside world would threaten them no matter what they did.  
  
When it had come to the village, it had been as if it had been trying to make up for lost time so fast did it spread. It was found however, that only humans suffered from this manmade and nature altered disease. No other species was affected.  
  
So the Amazon Village had survived, but any man who felt like leaving simply did so. The Amazons and the Elders and the warriors had trouble communicating.  
  
Except for Tigar of course. The semi-feline "independent spirit" whose father had been a Jusenkyo cursed mountain lion was sufficiently different from the usual human that the virus had passed her by.  
  
As for the new glut of goats and cats and little black pigs and ducks and wolves and gorillas and mountain lions and so on, well...  
  
Those that had hands (gorillas and raccoons and such) could still ply their old crafts in a fashion. Those that did not made do as much as possible.  
  
Mousse wasn't content to wait for the Outside World to find a cure. He would be a hero and bring back some cure for the Plague, returning in triumph where he had lived with scorn.  
  
Besides, cleaning up after all the goats and cats and little black pigs and ducks and wolves and gorillas and everything else was getting old really really fast.  
  
------  
  
Ranma did something his father would never do. Something that Ranma himself would never admit to do doing. Yet it was something he'd been doing a lot lately.  
  
Ranma was sulking.  
  
Lots of stupid questions directed at him by the various boys of this school. Yes, he was engaged to Atsuko "Nuku Nuku" Natsume. Yes, she was a 10,000hp cyborg with the brain of a c-c-c-c furry thing. Yes, she was very cute and enthusiastic and was actually able to keep up with him when he ran. No, it didn't bother him *that* much 'cause he was *not* stronger than a locomotive or faster than a bullet train and stuff. She was stronger and faster than him because she was a machine.  
  
She was also a person whose feelings could get hurt. He'd tried showing her affection the way his father had always shown affection to him: insults and yelling. Instead of fighting him, she'd started crying! Something that had caught Ranma completely flatfooted and he'd had no idea what to do about it.  
  
Girls. Even artificial ones. Who could figure them?  
  
More stupid questions. Had they done *it*? What "it" - that was what Ranma wanted to know. He'd given denials - it had sounded like he was being teased. More questions had followed. How was he to know what color panties she had or what her bra size was?  
  
Nuku looked despondent from her place on the field. Tradition and school rules indicated that she had to be with the Girls PE class, she couldn't be with the Boys. Of course, that meant she was on the baseball field by herself.   
  
Hiroshi, or was it Daisuke?, had brought by a magazine. Instead of the expected ecchi thing that would have made Ranma uncomfortable for no reason he could adequately explain, it had been "Popular Science" - dealing with the various androids coming out now.  
  
Ranma had stumbled over the unfamiliar words but there were others who explained some of it. The artificial girls were mainly the province of the wealthy right now. Personacons were essentially computers shaped like human girls and were capable of learning but didn't have a lot of personality or nothing. These were the Mark I models currently in place.  
  
The Mark IIs would be out next year, using downloads from the Mark I's they'd already have some practical knowledge of the world and personal interactions. Plus they'd be complex enough to have something like a personality. Upgrading the Mark I's could then commence. Already there was talk of a Mark III - but the tech just wasn't there to support it at present. In that case they'd have personalities and emotions and all that stuff.  
  
So right now there was only one living breathing emoting girl on the planet, even if she was a combat cyborg. His fiancee.  
  
Lucky him.  
  
--------  
  
"Something's outside the parameters of the test," reported Kosuke to Kyasuke.  
  
"What is? Did Morisato not hook something up right?" Kyasuke grumbled. He'd never been in so much demand, never felt so needed or fulfilled, and never so utterly drained. He suspected that if someone did a blood test on him it would come out as coffee.  
  
"Oh, hello there. My name is Belldandy!"  
  
Kyasuke Natsume blinked and slowly raised his eyes. There was the completed VERDANI unit just like that guy in design, Fujishima, had drawn her. Except this was no blank-eyed automaton.  
  
The android smiled pleasantly at everyone there, then proceeded to hum some kind of music as she waited for Morisato to stop chattering excitedly at Saotome.  
  
Natsume blinked. Humming was not within the original program limitations. "Excuse me, VERDANI unit, why are you humming?"  
  
"It's a song I heard on the way here, I thought it was very nice and I memorized the words." Belldandy blinked. "Mister Morisato named me 'Belldandy' by the way."  
  
Saotome and Morisato had stopped to listen.  
  
"Copycat programming through the Maid OS?" Saotome suggested.  
  
"Perhaps," agreed Natsume. "Belldandy-san, would you help us perform some tests. It could be *very* important. Before you object, Morisato-san, we will not be doing anything to damage her."  
  
She looked at Morisato before she nodded her head. "Of course. I'd love to help."  
  
Natsume and Saotome practically leapt for their scanning devices.  
  
--------  
  
Ranma noted idly that Nuku Nuku was looking puzzled as the boy grappled her and decided a few words of instruction was needed. "Nuku Nuku, when a boy touches you like that, you're supposed to yell and hit him..." (Sudden image of him tripping and falling on Nuku Nuku, followed by him attaining orbital velocity.) "...unless you're engaged to him or somethin'." Ranma winced, thinking that came out especially lame.  
  
Nuku Nuku blinked. Oh, that was right. There had been something on TV. (Grab, spin, throw.)  
  
"AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" Tatewaki Kuno went down the hall, through the window, across the school yard, past the intersection, over the freeway, and impacted rather noisily into the wall of the cursed antique shop. "I am not injured." (Thud!)  
  
Ranma was glad it had not been him, then noticed the girl was chasing down guys to throw them. "I don't think she's got it yet."  
  
-------  
  
"Coming out of the International Conference of Android Manufacturers, we have come to some basic agreements. The basic unit types are determined by their internal chassis types and their programming focus. You can't always tell by appearance," said the Professor. "Though there will be a letter code and serial number found both on the bottom of the left foot and on major components internally. So just as you know, the types are as follows:  
A- All Purpose. The unit is a general purpose one, and may be able to accomplish a number of tasks. Not everything will be expert, as these *are* general purpose units. Also referred to as GP Units.  
B- Borg. So far Nuku Nuku remains the only unit in this class, combining biological material and the nanotech of an android.  
C- Combat. Sturdily built, relatively good at fighting but not particularly personable. Also called Sabre class.  
D- Domestics. Programming is basically on maintenence and roles traditional to Japanese women. Also referred to as the Maid class.  
E- Entertainers. Programming and design is for pleasant companions, particularly for the wealthy high end user. Not very durable in combat or similar operations. Also called Idol class.  
F- There is no F class. There was a lot of suggestions and arguments but nothing ever got settled.  
G- Goddess class. We're still trying to figure them out. Some sort of self-evolving OS. Very odd, but the potential benefits outweigh the risks.  
M- Mythological class. This is mainly the sort of thing they're producing at Cyberworks and at Disney nowadays. Mermaids and the like. Waste of time and resources if you ask me.  
There may be others added later.  
R- Robot class. Just the most basic functions. These are also known as the Mark I models.  
As for what the androids are called, that was *not* settled."  
  
-------  
  
Ranma frowned. "Okay put 'em over there. Yeesh. Yeah, I'll sign for 'em."  
  
Three months. Nuku had gone back to her lab and there were personacon being produced in bulk now. Car manufacturers were retooling to meet the demand. The good thing was that Ranma wasn't getting a lot of crap from the other boys at school. The bad thing was that Nuku had been finally getting the hang of housework and her absence was now keenly felt.  
  
Ranma looked around at the crates being set into place. Three by three by three cubes, and really heavy from the look of things. Feh. More crap for him to clean up.  
  
The dull-eyed worker personacon filed back into their truck and this tired looking fellow held out a clipboard with a form for Ranma to sign. "Seven packages."  
  
Ranma checked. Yup. Seven. He pressed his hanko (signature stamp) onto the appropriate line.  
  
"Activation control. Have fun," wearily said the supervisor and trudged off.  
  
Ranma shrugged. That guy looked so out of it that it might be safer to have the personacon driving.  
  
He held up the little metal switch. Eight settings on the bottom? Ranma put it all the way over to eight and pressed the button.  
  
(POOM!)(POOM!)(POOM!)(POOM!)(POOM!)(POOM!)(POOM!)  
  
Ranma stared in abject horror as the tops of the crates popped off and seven personacon stood up, turned to face him, and began scanning him. "WHAT THE HECK?!"  
  
"State name for registry," said the closest.  
  
"Ranma. Ranma Saotome." Ranma blinked rapidly. "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!"  
  
Mass blinking and the personacon seemed to relax.  
  
"Unit: Kasumi. Domestic unit. I am very pleased to meet you," said a tall personacon in a maid's outfit.  
  
"Unit: Nabiki," informed the second unit - this one having a cat tail and cat ears. The effect was a little spooky but as she was otherwise human-like, not too hard to deal with. "Specialization - information gathering. Domestic unit."  
  
"Unit: Akane. General purpose unit." The personacon in the yellow sundress stopped and frowned. "What?! I wanted to be a combat unit!"  
  
"Unit: Ukyo. Domestic unit," said the fourth wearing a black pair of cutoffs and a shirt that left her midriff bare. "Though I've got some combat upgrades for bodyguard duties. Hiya Ranchan!"  
  
The fifth clasped her hands in front of her and bowed. "Unit: Shampoo. Combat unit. Purpose: bodyguard."  
  
Number three was still griping about how she was *sure* she'd requested her engrams be used for a combat unit.  
  
The sixth unit turned a sultry expression on Ranma. "Master. Oh, I think the Black Rose will surely assist you in the arts. I am Kodachi - an Entertainer model, but don't think of me as fragile. Oh ho hohohoho!"  
  
"Mute," commanded Ranma.  
  
Number six looked startled but complied.  
  
The seventh unit smiled and looked around briefly. "Oh. Pardon me. My name's Usagi."  
  
Ranma quickly picked up the paperwork and actually looked at this time before running outside. "WAIT! WAIT! WAITAMINUTE! Your dropped off too many of them!"  
  
"Master is very excitable," said Usagi with an eloquent shrug.  
  
------  
  
Ranma listened carefully on the phone, nervously eyeing the personacon who were waiting patiently for him. (Except for number three who wanted to call someone and complain that she had specifically requested that if her engrams were going to be used it would be a beautiful combat model.)  
  
"Well, their Maid OS is based off of brain recordings of the originals. However they don't have much experience assimilating their experiences into everyday existence. Think of them as children who are still figuring out the world," said Kyosuke over the phone.  
  
"What about the extras?! And why did I get *any*?!" Ranma tried not to panic. Man, the guys at school were going to give him all sorts of crap for this. And since they weren't martial artists he couldn't hit 'em. Much.  
  
"Your father ordered one. Your 'head of house' ordered three. Anyway, the order and delivery system got a little messed up. Yours is hardly the worst setup."  
  
------  
  
Sasuke blinked in consternation as he was defended from Tatewaki Kuno. Right after he'd opened her box, Akane Tendo had asked his name and...  
  
So now he was trying to comes to terms with the helpful and protective Akane Tendo fluffing his pillow and rubbing his shoulders and offering to fix him lunch. Which was odd enough by itself. Mistress Kodachi giving him a foot massage? Not to mention the other Akane Tendo. And the other one. And the other one.   
  
He was Sasuke, a humble ninja. Having four personacon, three of whom were Akane Tendo, was just so bizarre he couldn't handle it.  
  
Though poor Master Tatewaki had just about had a stroke and had to go into the hospital for treatment. How sad.   
  
Sasuke held his cup out and Akane-3 poured him a refill of lemonade.  
  
How he was going to deal with this situation, he had no idea.  
  
------  
  
Ranma started running along the fence to school. Nothing abnormal there.  
  
(Thump)(Thump)(Thump)(Thump)(Thump)(Thump)(Thump)  
  
Except that he was currently at the head of a parade that kept pace with him. The tail car of this train having two ridiculously long ponytails flapping behind her.  
  
Ranma wondered why his existance was so cursed.  
  
-------  
  
This was just yet another exploration into the weird while i try to find something suitable to replace the pokegirl mileau. Think i'll put this all on the backburner for now though. 


	21. Hotaru 12

Hotaru 1/2, an omake that grew out of control.  
  
***this originally appeared pretty much as is on the Addventure (starting with episode 210471). Defined pretty much by myself, Kender_Sci, and the occasional episode by Greyman. Turned into omake for the larger audience. Incomplete and presented just as is for your amusement.  
  
Hotaru 1/2: open mouth, make wish, insert foot  
  
Unending BE - episode 210471  
  
Aftermath. Nobody involved remembered the humiliations, the pain, the destruction. However, the Goddess Relief Office not only remembered but had just called Ranma Saotome to award him a wish for his solving the problem of demonic hackers.  
  
Ranma sighed and put down the phone. Yeah right. HIM getting a wish? It'd just get screwed up anyway. Magic + Ranma = Problems. School + Ranma = Problems. Heck, anything lately seemed to be just more problems.   
  
Ranma was distracted as he tried to think of the last thing that wasn't "all Ranma's fault" or went in a way that actually benefitted him.   
  
Hmmm. There was something there. Some idea that seemed just out of grasp, like a martial arts special technique that he almost had down...   
  
Nabiki watching this, was experienced enough in reading people to see a First Class Sulk going and didn't really see any way that she could profit off of it. She could however mention to Akane that maybe he was having trouble with Ukyo or Shampoo, or maybe even another fiancee nobody knew about?   
  
Akane had already come to the conclusion that Ranma was thinking, therefore he was thinking about one of those tramps! She was waiting, just waiting, for one remark, one slip up, one gesture! Then POW! To da moon!   
  
Ranma continued to be distracted after breakfast, though it may have just been some *very* disturbing dreams dealing with a demonically possessed Akane causing a thorough lack of sleep.  
  
(ching ching! WHAM!) this being the sound effect of a bicycle bell being rung moments before said bicycle landed on a certain pigtailed martial artist.   
  
"I really don't need this today," complained Ranma, not that anyone paid any attention to him.   
  
"Get your paws off my Ranchan!"   
  
Shampoo backed off slightly as a large combat spatula was brandished. Unlike Akane, who would always hit Ranma for being hugged by Shampoo, Ukyo seemed a little clearer in the targetting department. Most of the time.   
  
"I really don't need this today," repeated the still ignored Ranma.   
  
"Ohohohohohohoho!"   
  
"I really don't need this today." Just a glance at the glowing 5'2" Akane Tendo tower of fury was indication that his headache was going to get worse.   
  
"Ranma! How dare you flirt with these floozies!" Akane had been watching some gaijin programs and working on her vocabulary lately. Fortunately Ranma provided use for some of the frequent derogatory terms that cropped up in there.   
  
"Floozies?!" Shampoo, Ukyo, and Kodachi repeated. Nabiki, safely to the side and watching with amusement, merely noted that particular phrase was apparently known to everyone else including Shampoo. How interesting. Though if this kept up they might be late for school.   
  
Kasumi, hearing all the fuss right outside their front gate, stuck her head out but decided this wasn't even worth an "oh my" yet. Same stuff different day.   
  
Seeing where he was about to get pummelled, Ranma remembered the offer on the phone earlier. Man, if only that had been real, then all he'd have to do was say: "Yeesh, I wish I had a really nice decent fiancee who listened to me and didn't scare me all the time."   
  
The scene seemed to freeze for a moment before a woman's voice answered from midair. "Wish granted!"  
  
Several eyes turned towards the now panicked pigtailed martial artist.  
  
"RANMAAAAA!" "Ranchan!" "Airen!" "NO BAKA!"  
  
-----  
  
Urd clapped her hands and squealed with girlish glee. "Time for the 'goddess of love' to work her magic!"   
  
"Excuse me?" Astrild, Norse goddess of love, looked up from her console.   
  
"Oh let her have her fantasies," said Freja.   
  
"Oh? Watch and be envious," said Urd. "I know someone fated to a relationship that really isn't that satisfactory, but a little work from the goddess of the past and we have a pre-existing engagement to either the Tendo or the Kuonji relationships!"   
  
"So you're helping out two people and giving them a chance?" Freja shrugged, but was slightly more interested. "I'll bet that Saotome won't be able to keep his foot out of his mouth but maybe..."   
  
------  
  
Ranma grumbled. Fortunately when Akane had launched him into the stratosphere for "flirting" with the girls he had landed close to class. He was getting close to flunking out and really couldn't afford to be late or miss class.   
  
The teacher (the fourth one this semester) finally entered and cleared his throat. "Well class, we have a new student transferring in, I'd like you to welcome Hotaru Tomoe."  
  
The girl who stood in front of the class, bowing slightly, and looking quite nervous had several qualities not usually found in a Furinkan student.   
  
She was polite, shy, friendly, and pale as if she didn't get out into the sun very often.   
  
Slender but in no way boyish, the girl looked more like she should be in Middle School. Those who could read such things could look and see that she did not carry herself like a trained martial artist, more like a nervous young schoolgirl.   
  
Except that Ranma Saotome had looked first at that, and had then looked at the girl's chi.   
  
At which point Ranma Saotome had started staring and his jaw had nearly dropped to the floor.   
  
This thin, anemic, shy, little girl had more chi than Ryouga and Herb put together. Though it felt off somehow. Not that she had more chi than Ranma himself did. No, of course not.   
  
Noticing the way Ranma was staring at the new girl, Akane began to generate a battle-aura herself.   
  
Hotaru took a seat, blushing slightly at the attention. She kept running into problems in the school system elsewhere, but then her guardians had heard of Furinkan. Weird stuff was always happening at Furinkan so little Hotaru's tendency to go healing someone or producing her Silence Glaive during class when she was really nervous or mosquitos trying to draw her blood suddenly going poof in a little burst of energy would probably be par for the course. "The nail that sticks out gets pounded down." From the stories of Furinkan Senior High School, Hotaru wouldn't stand out at all.   
  
Besides, she could meet her fiance this way.   
  
Due to several related factors, the school had a new nurse.  
1) The old nurse had moved to Shiguya, apparently because of a nervous breakdown and developing near phobic reactions to prolonged martial arts battles.  
2) The new nurse actually requested Furinkan, apparently being related to little Hotaru in some manner and wanting to keep an eye on her briefly.  
3) The legal guardian of Miss Tomoe apparently felt perfectly capable of "giving the smack down to deranged principles and uppity martial artists" unless someone more calm was there to defuse potentially hazardous situations to the point where such measures would not be necessary.  
  
Therefore the school had a new nurse: one Setsuna Meiou. (Whether any of the other Senshi would transfer was still to be determined. Usagi and Minako would be considered average students here as Furinkan was hardly considered a center for scholastic excellence.)  
  
"So why are you transferred to Furinkan, anyway, Tomoe-san?" The teacher asked as he looked over the papers. Her grades were good, there wasn't any sheet to indicate legal troubles, the Martial Artist box wasn't checked, so what did that leave? Ah, Box 245 "Are You Ever Attacked By Supernatural Forces For No Apparent Reason" was checkmarked. That went a long way to explain it.   
  
Hotaru chose the most mundane answer. "To meet my fiance per an arrangement from thirty years ago."   
  
The tension in the room went thick. There was a dull crack as Akane's hands snapped off a portion of her desk. Ranma noted she was looking at his neck and felt quite uncomfortable.  
  
The teacher calmly noted on a piece of paper that Akane had broken her third desk for this semester but at least this break looked repairable.   
  
"And the name of this fiance," said a bishonen boy with an enormous... spatula, "wouldn't happen to be 'Ranma Saotome' would it?"   
  
Hotaru nodded, brightening considerably but also blushing and acting twice as shy. "Yes! Do you know him? Is he cute?"   
  
Ranma groaned and dropped his head. Though this would give him a chance to find out why this girl had enough chi to light up Tokyo, it was obvious what the next thing to happen would be.   
  
"Oh, he's right here," Hiroshi said helpfully, while pointing to the pigtailed boy.   
  
'He IS cute,' Hotaru thought with a blush.   
  
"Hey, Hiroshi," Daisuke called.   
  
Hiroshi turned to look at his friend "What?"   
  
"Ranma's got another fiancee."   
  
"Yeah, so?"   
  
"Maybe now that he's got another one..."   
  
"What... Oh right! Maybe Akane'll be free!"   
  
"Yeah! Saotome's already had his chance with her. So, maybe we can get a shot at her!"   
  
"I've always wondered what it'd be like to make out with her."   
  
"I wonder what she's like in bed."   
  
"Hmm... How is she, Ran... Where are you goin'?"   
  
Ranma ignored his 'friend' as he made his way away from the pair.   
  
"You...you..," Akane growled.   
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke turned to the youngest Tendo... and chuckled nervously. "Oh, hi Akane."   
  
"PERVERTS!!"   
  
Not being complete idiots, the dimwitted duo took off.   
  
"COME BACK HERE AND DIE!!" Akane bellowed as she gave chase.   
  
Hotaru blinked as she tried to take in what was going on around her. "Is it always like this?"   
  
"Nah, this is kinda quiet," Ukyo put in.   
  
"'Kinda quiet'?"   
  
"Yup. Now about you bein Ranchan's fiancee..."   
  
The chef was interrupted as someone burst into the room. The yells of Akane and her 'victims' were enough to tell the person that something was up, and was most likely up with Ranma.   
  
"BRAWWWGHGHHHHH!" Crash! Smash! BOOM!   
  
Lest anyone not guess, Pantyhose Tarou had arrived.   
  
Tarou had recently come back from Jusenkyo. It was not enough that he had the curse that turned him into a winged minotaur with a eel-tail. It wasn't enough that his cursed form had those octopus tentacles and he could shoot ink. No, Tarou wanted to become really impressive. And so he had gone back to Jusenkyo and found a most auspicious spring that he could use to strike terror into the hearts of all who were present. Basically he'd soaked his fingers and rinsed his mouth with Spring Of Drowned Tiger water.  
  
Pantyhose Tarou prepared to show off his newest enhancement in order to get "fem-boy" out here and beat the stuffings out of him.   
  
Except that little Hotaru Tomoe saw part of the school get smashed, saw what was obviously a yoma, and had rushed off to a stairwell. "Saturn Crystal Power Make UP!"   
  
Outside, Ranma nearly fell off the tree limb as he saw his newest fiancee turn briefly naked, then wear a seifuku and go charging out the door with a polearm. Naturally, knowing the odd little girl was gonna get hurt, he rushed around the corner of the building to protect her from the rampaging Tarou.   
  
Except something else seemed to be happening.   
  
"Silence Glaive SURPRISE!" Since she was all alone and she was much too shy for posing and making speeches, Sailor Saturn decided to make this quick and just hit the youma with a low power strike before he could start draining energy.   
  
Tarou was very surprised as he found himself launched across the street, through a pastry shop, across the canal, down Godzilla Street, and eventually ended up crashing into a hot dog vendor who happened to practice Martial Arts Baseball Vendor Style.   
  
Tarou beat him up, but those little forks hurt!   
  
Ranma saw this and immediately decided to act completely in character for him.  
  
"Hey Hotaru!" Ranma said, dropping into the Senshi of Silence's field of view.   
  
"Ran... I mean, Whoever you are, you'd better get out of the way. It's dangerous."   
  
"I saw ya change Hotaru. And..."   
  
Hotaru knew what was coming. She'd try to make friends, or be nice or something and someone would see her heal a cut or whatever, and then suddenly the names and the bullying would start. She had hoped that this school would be different. That she'd actually be able to get to know Ranma as a fiance, but now he was probably going to...   
  
"That was so cool! How'd ya do it?!"   
  
...admire her attack?! "Umm..."   
  
"I've never seen ANYONE hit Tarou THAT hard before. I gotta learn how to do that!"   
  
Hotaru glanced over at her fiance and felt herself begin to smile shyly at him. "I don't think that you can do that."   
  
"Why not?! I can learn any technique! I ain't the best martial artist around for nothin'."   
  
"WAAARRGGGHHH!!!"   
  
"Oh, hi Tarou. Haven't seen ya in a while," Ranma said with a smirk, "Trying a bit of a new look?"   
  
"GGRRRRRR!!!" went Tarou as he tried to bash the pigtailed boy.   
  
Ranma leapt over the blow easily and replied with a "Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!!"   
  
"Wh-what? How?!" stammered Saturn. Even Makoto or Haruka-papa couldn't do *that*.  
  
"Ki, how else?" replied the Saotome heir as he scooped her up and leapt out of the way of the follow up attack. "Yo, Tarou, watch where you're attackin'!"   
  
Saturn blinked herself out of the pleasant haze that being in Ranma's arms had brought and exclaimed, "You know that youma?!"   
  
"He ain't a youma. He's some jackass that got dunked in a bunch of cursed springs."   
  
"He's human?"   
  
"Yeah. He just looks like this when he gets dunked with cold water. Though the claws and sharp teeth are new."   
  
"I guess I shouldn't have blasted him that hard then."   
  
Ranma shook his head. "Nah, he can take a lot. He's... Hey what's that?"   
  
Hotaru peered from her perch in Ranma's arms and saw a number of violent people who seemed to be orienting on her fiancee for no discernable reason?!  
  
"Ranma! Prepare to die!" Some guy in white robes wrapped chains and threw knives. The chains wrapping themselves about a tree, and the throwing knives getting imbedded in the school wall.   
  
"Ranma, prepare to dieeeeeee!" Some guy carrying a large umbrella creating a crater at the point of impact as he attempted to hit Ranma.   
  
"Saotome! Your life is at an end!" A taller guy with a wooden sword was repeatedly trying to whack Ranma with it.   
  
"Rannnmmaaaa! How dare you flirt with yet another girl?!" This from some girl who had uprooted one of the stone benches in front of the school and was trying to bean Ranma with it. Hotaru *thought* that this was the girl chasing those two guys earlier.  
  
"GRONK!" The not-the-yoma from earlier had returned, though he had what looked like it would be one heck of a bruise from Saturn's earlier attack.   
  
"I swear, every day," some woman was moving through the onlookers, taking bets on how long the fight would last and whether it would be Akane or Ranma standing at the end of it.   
  
Sailor Saturn was a little bewildered at this, but it occurred to her that if this sort of thing happened on a daily basis, then something like manifesting the Silence Glaive when she was stressed out during an exam wasn't going to get more than a raised eyebrow.   
  
Just then, though, Sailor Saturn was introduced to one of the unpleasant things that can happen at Furinkan as a tiny little yoma named Happosai grabbed the front of her fuku.   
  
Hotaru had been called cute by some of the adults who met her. she had traded shy glances with boys who didn't know about her abilities. Usagi was always trying her to get her to 'make the most of her looks'.   
  
But a perverted little gnome grabbing onto her chest? Nope. Never happened until now, and she REALLY wished it hadn't.   
  
"What? I thought a pretty girl like you would have more there," said the troll as he leapt back to the ground.   
  
Hotaru got a twitch in her eye. She had just begun developing, the result of yet more accelerated growth, and was a little sensitive about her still apparent youth. *Especially* in light of some of the things Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama had been suggesting about her relationship with Chibi-usa. "What?"   
  
"But it looks like you're great in other areas!"   
  
"Huh? EEEEKKKK!!!!"   
  
"Oh yes! Such a firm bottom!"   
  
"GET IT OFF!!!"   
  
Ranma and his 'friends' ceased their fighting long enough to look at what was causing all the commotion.   
  
"Oh man, the freak's at it again," Ranma observed.   
  
"I could stay here all day..," Happosai commented.   
  
No, Hotaru was normally a shy girl. If she didn't have her powers, she'd have probably wound up in the background. She was quiet and sweet, especially compared to the other Outers. She was a lot like Ami in that regard.   
  
But she was still Sailor Saturn. Saturn was embarrased, terrified and PISSED OFF. And in the tradition of groped girls everywhere she answered with an attempt to smash the offender. Of course, her's was a wee bit different. Such as creating a flare of raw power that bounced the leech off long enough for a polearm to be pointed at him.  
  
"SILENCE GLAIVE SURPRISE!!"   
  
Happosai blinked. "What? Oh..."   
  
*BOOM*   
  
"AAAAAaaaaaaaaa," said Happosai, using up all his recently generated chi in survival of the sudden acceleration.  
  
Sailor Saturn shuddered, feeling terribly stressed out still. She needed a hug. Not from that whatever-it-was either.  
  
"aaaaAAAAAAAaaaa," continued Happosai. He had regularly been knocked into the upper cloud deck. Heck, even Akane could usually manage to get him to the 10,000 foot level. Ranma, always feeling he had to do better, usually managed 100,000 feet. The stars coming out in mid-day indicated he was getting some heavy air miles out of this. "Most ominous."  
  
"That was cool! I've never seen the freak go so far!" Ranma exclaimed as he rushed up to the Senshi and hugged her. Nope, in physical contact with her he could tell she wasn't raising a battle aura at all. She was using that off-chi stuff.  
  
The Senshi of Silence gave a most becoming blush.   
  
Kuno posed melodramatically. "Verily, Saotome does speak the truth in this instance. Beauty and such power in one woman. Know this glorious valkyrie, I SHALL DATE THEE!"   
  
"RANMA! How dare you grope that tramp!" Akane bellowed.   
  
"Saotome, how dare you treat Akane like that!" Ryouga growled.   
  
"You can't escape Ranma!" Mousse told a tree.   
  
Hotaru had been holding back. Just a little. By using the quick version of "Silence Glaive Surprise" there wasn't quite the "oomph" she could put into it with a little build up. With a little build up, the attack could cut entirely through a castle. With a little more, well...  
  
There had been this movie she had seen a few years back called "Armaggedon" dealing with some oil drillers launched into space to stop an asteroid from hitting Earth. Hotaru had asked Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma why they hadn't just called her. Mind you - the effort might have killed her at that age, but still - she could have done it.   
  
If she had built up a little more power, she could have splashed Pantyhose Tarou across a good section of Japan. Happosai would have reached the velocity necessary to escape not only Earth's gravity well, but he would have eventually passed the Voyager probes on his way out of the solar system.  
  
Hotaru took all this in and decided to see how these nutjobs liked a 'Silent Wall'. On seeing her cute fiance about to be attacked by various maniacs, Hotaru lifted her glaive. "Silence Wall!"   
  
On seeing chains, large blunt trauma instruments, and bandanas slap into a flickering force field of some kind with about as much effect as Kasumi's loufa, Ranma just absolutely knew he had to learn these special techniques!   
  
Someone in the shadows saw Hotaru getting attacked, saw her defending her new fiance, and smiled. It was about time Hotaru found someone who could accept her besides one of the Senshi or the Small Lady. Besides, much as she liked Small Lady, beating down all the paradoxes she unleashed every time Usagi's daughter travelled back in time was a pain.   
  
Still, this looked like her cue. Since they were attacking the girl that Setsuna Meiou (the new school nurse) had come to regard as a daughter, there was a simple elegant solution.   
  
"...dead scream..."   
  
The little purple ball of light cut a crevasse through the school yard, slammed into Ryouga (chosen because he was able to take the punishment and was in front) and continued merrily on its way. With Ryouga. The school's fence gained another hole, Ryouga continued travelling along until the force of the blast was finally expended. Of course, by that time Ryouga was in Akihabara. Sailor Pluto *had* built it up, just a little.  
  
Ryouga slowly picked himself out of the wreckage and noticed that he was in a store that sold inflatable sexdolls. Having survived a "dead scream", he then fainted from a nosebleed.   
  
Ranma glanced over, saw a similar uniform, and came to the obvious conclusion. "Friend of yours?"   
  
"Yes," said Sailor Saturn, beginning to really enjoy this hug thing. That she'd shrunk the force field a little so that it would continue wasn't immediately obvious to anyone but Pluto and one other.   
  
"You... you... pervert!" Akane twitched at the sight. She wanted to mallet Ranma but everything she had bounced off this flickering light. What could she do?   
  
"Saotome! Release my purple eyed goddess!" Kuno beat his bokken against the forcefield.   
  
"Saotome, how dare you flirt with my Shampoo!" Mousse yelled, then wrapped Ukyo up in chains.   
  
"Mousse! You idiot! Put your damn glasses on!" Ukyo was not amused by this at all.   
  
It was one of those rules in Ranma 1/2 that the longer something like this went on, the more people would show up.   
  
"Aiyah!" Shampoo stared. "Hey! Is only for Shampoo to Amazon glomp airen! Strange girl no get hug from airen!" That Shampoo was quite envious and was trying to figure out how to do this herself was obvious to anyone who knew her.  
  
Cologne flipped through her "Pocket Guide To Supernatural Beings, Entities, and Magical Girls" to see if this girl putting out a magical forcefield was in there.  
  
Cologne was one of the more intelligent individuals in Nerima. (Not that this was saying a lot.)  
  
The Amazon Elder had not gotten to the level she had by being stupid and jumping to conclusions. Such delusions were the property of youth and she was done with that, thank you very much. No, it was easier to stand back and manipulate things to her advantage. Besides, watching the antics of Son-In-Law and his friends were always so much FUN!   
  
Well, actually, she'd done a bit of that conclusion-jumping on reaching Nerima. Particularly as regarded her handling of Ranma. Which she'd regretted since then.  
  
The only thing was that the boy had ability to surprise even her. Pulling moves out of nowhere, getting into messes only he could, coming to conclusions only he would... It was just so bizarre, really. Another girl getting involved wasn't unusual at all. More like almost expected.   
  
A girl who could send Happy flying like that? Unusual. One that could create a shield to stop all attacks? Rare. Someone who had allies that dressed the same and send the Lost Boy flying? This was definately something not to ignore. Especially as it was obvious they were not using ki. Though there was something familiar about both.  
  
So, as her great-granddaughter entered the fracas, she checked a tome of such use and import that she never allowed it off her person, never mind allowing others to read it. It was above the one that the Spengler man had given her before meeting up with that Venkman fellow. Only that piece of the Claire Bible was more guarded.   
  
After all, the "Pocket Guide To Supernatural Beings, Entities, and Magical Girls" was such a useful little thing.   
  
"Let's see. Angels... Dragons... Devil Hunters... Mazoku.... Rival Relief Office... Elder gods of mischief... ahh, here we are. Sailor Senshi. Warriors from the Silver Millenium and dedicated to protecting humanity from danger. Hmmm.." The Matriarch turned and peered at what was happening.   
  
Son-In-Law was raving about some new "martial arts moves."   
  
The young girl with him was blushing.   
  
Shampoo had joined with Akane in yelling at the boy for holding the girl.   
  
The crossdressing chef was attempting to get free to bash a certain half-blind idiot.   
  
Said idiot was yelling something about "vengence being at hand" or something like that.   
  
The Kuno-boy was yelling something about "being like the great Musashi" and "punishing those who would imprison my loves!"   
  
The woman with the key-shaped staff was muttering something about "show you exactly what Musashi was like."   
  
Cologne watched the battle taking place, noted that the various fighters weren't doing anything that unusual, so she set down to look up the two Senshi she'd seen so far.   
  
"Sailor... Pluto!" Cologne double checked. Yup that was her driving the blunt end of her staff into Principal Kuno's stomach. Hmmm. Nice technique.  
  
***  
  
Sailor Pluto, aka the red eyed Senshi, alias the Guardian of the Gate Of Time, sometimes known as the meddling Senshi, the Senshi of Time, the Soldier Of Eternity, the Loneliest Senshi, Keeper of The Timekey Staff, and Protector of The Timestream. Her area of control is time, and she is able to move through time by her connection to the Gates Of Time.  
  
Major attack is a mana ball attack - "Dead Scream", though she has also combined attacks with Sailor Saturn (cf Sailor Saturn) to produce an attack known as "Chronos Typhoon."  
  
The Sailor is known to be a real icequeen, manipulative, and apparently has some great tragedy in her past that she is dealing with. She needs to lighten up and stop being so anal, however she may be under the effect of a magical Geas placed on her by Neo-Queen Serenity in the future.  
  
Major quote attributed to Sailor Pluto: "Anyone who has not gotten a headache contemplating the paradoxes of time travel has never really understood the concept."  
  
***  
  
Cologne flipped a little further, interested in what the book said about Sailor Saturn. Though if she had a chance, she'd have to ask Pluto-san by the Cafe for tea. She sounded to be quite interesting.   
  
***  
  
Sailor Saturn aka the Senshi of Death, alias the Soldier of Destruction, sometimes known as the Bringer Of Silence, or the End Of All That Is. Her area of control is death. Said to be the most powerful of the Senshi, it is within her power level to destroy all life on earth. Upon her first appearance she was possessed by a demonic entity known as Mistress 9, a soul fragment of a being known as Pharoah 90 (cf Pharoah 90). Her major weapon is the Silence Glaive, which serves as a class 2 Power Focus. Her major attacks are "Silence Glaive Surprise", a defensive move called "Silence Wall", another attack which will cause the instant demise of any single individual, group, or species, but will kill the wielder as well (name currently unavailable as it has not yet been used), and has the ability to cure wounds. At full power her Silence Glaive Surprise is capable of destroying a small moon, or even a small hidden village on another continent.  
  
In power level rankings, she is above Saffron and below Belldandy Unleashed or Neo Queen Serenity when hitting her stride.  
  
In other words, avoid getting on her bad side.  
  
This is actually fairly easy as she is one of the nicest Angels Of Death that you could possibly run into.   
  
***  
  
Sighing, Cologne leapt off the treelimb after carefully putting away her book.   
  
(thwack! bonk! bang! whap!)  
  
Mousse, Kuno, Akane, and Shampoo hit the ground.   
  
"Ranma, if you would bring your friend there by the Nekohanten after school, I would like to talk to you two." Cologne was polite. People who were potentially that dangerous were worth some respect and at least not antagonizing needlessly. Hmmm. Maybe she would make a good Amazon?   
  
Ranma blinked. The Old Ghoul was being awfully polite.   
  
"Great Grandmother?!" Neither Shampoo nor Akane were paralyzed. Akane always attacked Ranma, which meant her chances of attacking and seriously ticking off Saturn were small. Shampoo would get her ear chewed off at the very least.   
  
"Come along Shampoo, the dynamics have changed and we have to come to decisions over it."   
  
Cologne splashed Mousse, turning him into a duck who was therefore much easier to carry. She retreated slightly to discuss this with the two other Chinese.  
  
Ranma blinked. "Well that was strange."   
  
"RAN-MA!" came the voice of one Soun Tendo as the Tendo patriarch appeared out of nowhere.   
  
"Mi...mi ...Mister Tendo..."   
  
"Son, how can you do this?!"   
  
"Do what Pop?"   
  
"How can you leave your poor fiancee like that for this strange girl?! How you break your father's heart!"   
  
"That ain't the only thing I'd like to break!"   
  
"Show your father some respect!"   
  
"Why should I?!"   
  
"Stupid boy!"   
  
Soun broke in. "Ranma, you will release that girl immediately. You should not be hugging anyone but my daughter!"   
  
"I don't want to be hugged by that PERVERT!"   
  
"Who says I want to hug you any way?!" Ranma yelled.   
  
"Boy! You will stop this nonsense and marry Akane!" Genma demanded.   
  
"I ain't gonna marry that uncute tomboy!"   
  
"What did you call me?!" put in said tomboy.   
  
"Ya heard me!"   
  
"Why you..."   
  
"Ranma! You will marry my daughter as she is your fiancee!"   
  
"Hmph! That girl and the rest of those floozies can take him for all I care! I mean its not enough that he's got Ukyo and Shampoo hanging all over him, but now there's this Hotaru!"   
  
Soun turned from his daughter to his 'old friend'. "SAO-TO-ME!!"   
  
"Now, now Tendo. I'm sure there's some kind of misunderstanding..."   
  
"What are ya saying Pop? Ya don't remember the arrangement from thirty years ago?"   
  
"Ummm... well..," Genma procrastinated. Thereby drawing more attention to himself.  
  
"WELL?!" This coming simultaneously from Cologne, Ranma, Soun, the fiancee brigade, and even Mousse and Kuno pausing their attacks to demand answers.  
  
"How was I supposed to know that he'd take me seriously?" Genma complained. "It was thirty years ago! Stupid boy! If you'd just married Akane that first day none of this would have happened!"   
  
"I am not marrying that pervert!" Akane had turned her back and was angry, though she hadn't quite gone into "stomping off in a rage mode."   
  
"So what was I sold for this time?" Ranma asked, standing next to his new fiancee and wondering what the exchange rate was thirty years ago. He hoped at least it was better than a fish and two pickles.   
  
"It was when I was at the graduation from high school, I remember it well..." Genma said, looking nostalgic as the flashback wavering screen effect began.   
  
~~~~~  
  
Genma (tall and muscular and with a full head of hair) slapped the back of his old buddy as he took his seat. "Ah, my friends, now we go our seperate ways but we'll always remember getting out of that reform school with fond memories."   
  
"So, Genma, you going to pay back what you owe me?" A white haired youth asked as he passed Genma another beer.   
  
Taking a long pull on it, Genma winced. "Uhm, how much is it up to?"   
  
Soichiro Tomoe pulled out an abacus. "At current rate of interest, 300,000 yen." Not that he thought Genma would ever be able to pay it back, but he'd always have someone with a strong back to call in whenever he needed to move or something.   
  
"Heh, that's nothing," said Natsume. "Old 'Darkhorse' here owes me 500,000 yen and a case of sake. The good stuff mind you."   
  
"You think that's bad," the single woman in the group said with a smirk. "Saotome owes me on lunches consumed and rent on that room everytime his old man threw him out."   
  
Some blinking all around, then they turned as one to the now-sweating Genma.   
  
"How are you going to make good, Genma?" The chorus was eerie.   
  
"I-I-I-I-..." Genma smirked as a thought occurred to him. "Soichiro, can I speak to you privately for a moment? I think I've got an idea."   
  
~~end flashback scene~~  
  
Ranma rubbed his forehead. "So, what you're saying is that you sold off any future children you had to this guy?"   
  
"The Saotome line has always produced healthy strong children," said Genma proudly.   
  
"Saotome! How could you?!" Soun was weeping in pain at this betrayal. Not that he wouldn't weep huge amounts over a lollipop that tasted good.   
  
"Wait one moment," said the newly arrived Nabiki, sensing there was more to the story. "So Tomoe-san is one of the engaged, and another of the engagements is to the Senshi here..."   
  
Genma suddenly stood straight and tall. (A warning to all that knew him.) "Ranma! You must marry Akane immediately!"   
  
"What?! Are you nuts old man?! Why would I want to marry that tomboy?!" Ranma bellowed.   
  
"I am NOT marrying him!"  
  
"You must marry before any of the others come here!" 'Or you find out about any of the others.'   
  
"Like Hell, Pop!"   
  
"You leave us no choice son," Soun said gravely. Somehow he produced medieval torture equipment that had a preponderance of chains and cuffs.  
  
"What? Hey! Stop that!" Ranma protested, especially on seeing the spikes.  
  
"RAN-MA! You will come with us now!"   
  
"DAD! I don't want to marry that jerk!"   
  
Pluto noticed that Hotaru's hold on the Glaive got tighter.   
  
~~~~~   
  
"Hmmmm... A-ha! ... No that's not it. Haven't seen that in a while. Hmm... Hello Miss December. Such wonderful sparkle. Terrific shine. Too bad another microscope was out of the question." Lest no one know, one Doctor Natsume was doing his spring cleaning. Of course, as a typical genius scientist, 'spring cleaning' came up every five years or so. That meant that there was quite a bit of junk to clear out.   
  
"If only Akiko would be reasonable. Like that'd ever happen. Hey, what's this?" The doctor opened the envelope and gazed at the picture and note inside. Ah, reform school, how care free. How nice. How he had gotten bilked by Saotome.   
  
Saotome had a son and was supposed to be living in Furinkan now. The scientist shook his head. How naive he was at the time. To think that he had actually set up a betrothal between Genma's possible son and his future daughter. Wait a minute...   
  
He did have a daughter... sort of. and Akiko's lapdogs were getting too close for comfort. "Ryunosuke! Nuku-Nuku!"   
  
"Yeah, Dad?"   
  
"Hai, Papa-san?"   
  
"We're moving to Furinkan!"   
  
~~~~~   
  
A woman was looking through her old papers, when she found a note dating back to her reform school days. And she smiled.   
  
"Daughter."   
  
"Yes, Mom?"   
  
"We're going to be going on a little trip..."   
  
~~~~~   
  
Genma Saotome was occassionally a bright man. Of course, these bursts of intelligence usually were the beginnings of plans to either get himself into trouble or out of it. Usually he was too thick to accept some things. This wasn't one of them.   
  
A little girl wasn't much of a problem. An angry little girl was only slightly more trouble. An angry little girl with a weapon could be a problem. An angry little girl with a bladed weapon was a problem.  
  
An angry little girl glowing and surrounded by purple lightning, holding a bladed weapon to his neck was the message to start trembling.   
  
"Heh heh."   
  
"You won't hurt my... Ranma. I won't let you," Saturn announced. The voice may have belonged to an uncertain little girl but the eyes held resolution.  
  
"Come on. Relax. The old panda ain't got anything to make me do anythin.'"   
  
"Yes, Ranma is engaged to a couple of other girls," Genma crossed fingers behind his back, ranking up the total to where if it were to be revealed, would inspire fantastic spit takes in spite of his audience not presently drinking anything. "But I'm sure that Natsume-san doesn't actually have a daughter."   
  
"So none of these engagements had any contingencies against that?" Nabiki inguired dryly.   
  
Genma suddenly looked as though he'd received an enema of cold ice.   
  
"Sao-to-me." Soun growled, looking dangerous. "Is there anything you should be telling us?"   
  
Seeing Genma looking more and more evasive, the entire crowd leaned in, trapping him. In fact, it began to resemble an old EF Hutton commercial.  
  
"Well, I sort of signed away parental rights to him..." Genma began.  
  
"YOU WHAT!!" screamed several girlish voices (including Soun's).  
  
"That figures," Ranma said. "Hey ..."  
  
"Don't worry about it," Genma assured everybody. "It's just an emergency clause; part of the Saotome Secret Technique. What are the chances of that Meiou woman ever finding us, anyway?"  
  
"Ahem, I believe that that's my cue," Setsuna Meiou interupted, having turned back from Sailor Pluto to Nurse Meiou. "Hello again, Genma, it's been a while, hasn't it?"  
  
Genma promptly curled up into a ball and held a sign saying, "I'm just a harmless panda." Maybe the technique would have worked a little better if he'd managed to wet himself first (I mean with cold water; he managed to wet himself the other way just fine). Then again, it probably wouldn't.  
  
"Setsuna-mama?" Hotaru exclaimed, "you're Ranma's ...."  
  
"Legal guardian," Setsuna finished and flourished a document. "With full and sole authority over such matters as arranged marriages."  
  
The document was prompty snatched out of her hand and torn into shreads. Setsuna calmly started passing out a dozen copies.  
  
"NO! Ranma will marry Akane!" Destroying the evidence hadn't worked, denial seemed the next logical step for Soun Tendo.  
  
"Sorry daddy," Nabiki said, not looking up from where she was going over the document with a magnifying glass. "Everything seems in order here. This document nullifies 'all present, future and prior arrangements made on Ranma Saotome's behalf by Genma Saotome'."  
  
"Fine," Akane fumed. "Who'd want to marry that jerk anyway?" That she hadn't actually left was noted by those present who kept track of such things.  
  
"Yes!" Tatewaki Kuno proclaimed in victory. "At last that foul Saotome's hold over the fair Akane and the Pig-Tailed Girl is broken. Akane, I shall date with thurk!" The last word was a mangled 'thee', due to the placement of Akane's foot under Tatewaki's chin.  
  
"Er, Miss Mieou?" Ukyo raised her hand to attract the school nurse's attention. "I'm Ranchan's best friend since childhood. I'd make him a really good wife, you know." She smiled cutely.  
  
"Sestuna-mama!" Hotaru complained and hugged Ranma. "Mine! Please?"  
  
"Aiya!" Shampoo shouted as Cologne whispered instructions to her. "Is Joketsuzoku Law saying Ranma being Shampoo's husband, yes? Not fat panda say so!"  
  
"Hey! Don't I have any say in this?" Ranma demanded.  
  
"NO!" thundered Soun. "You must marry Akane!"  
  
"Yes," said Hotaru. "I really would hope you'd pick me but it just isn't right to force someone into that kind of thing."  
  
"No, you marry Shampoo! Is okay, okay?"  
  
"Ranchan!" "Ranma!" "Who cares if that pervert makes a decision!"  
  
"Figures, nobody listens..." Ranma stopped. Hotaru had said what?! Previously the only fiancee who hadn't actively wanted to marry him had been Akane who broke off the engagement on a regular basis. Almost once a month, at least. Hmmm. There was some idea there. Figure it out later.  
  
Setsuna smirked. The seed had been planted. "Really, you do have your choices, Saotome-san. Marry Akane and either die of rage disorder or from her cooking eventually. Kuonji-san will stifle you in her dreams that include nothing of your own wants. Return to Shampoo's village and you'll be her slave. Kodachi and you'll have to put up with some exotic aspects of lifestyle choice that don't fit your preferences either. Or choose Hotaru and become a hero. But then everyone has choices." She read fanfiction.net after all.   
  
Ranma blinked. Man, she had them nailed.  
  
"I'm sure Ranma and I will be perfectly happy running my restaurant, and then..." Ukyo lost herself in a fantasy that somehow did not involve wandering martial artists, kidnapping princes, or other things that regularly inflicted themselves on Ranma.  
  
"I DO NOT HAVE RAGE DISORDER," raged Akane. "AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY COOKING!"  
  
"Crazy woman with staff no know what she talk about, right Airen?" Shampoo got another custom wrong by crossing her fingers in front of her instead of behind her back.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU... Actually that *does* pretty much describe male life in the village," remarked Mousse thoughtfully.  
  
Cologne wondered if maybe she could make nice with these two. Powerful potential allies for the village, or obstacles to Shampoo's marriage. Which should she treat these two as? Hmmmm.  
  
------  
  
The Cat Cafe had been closed, something that happened infrequently. This was not to say that it was empty.  
  
"QUACK!" A caged duck protested that he was currently locked in a small cage, which was locked in a large cage, which was locked in a steamer trunk, which was surrounded by chains, and which was downstairs in a linen supply closet. All it had taken was Shampoo being told by Cologne that if she OR Mousse tried attacking any of the guests, not only would Shampoo not marry Ranma - the Elder would personally gift wrap the attacker and mail them to the Musk Dynasty.  
  
The representitive of the Tendo household was neither Genma nor Soun. Nobody else was quite sure what threat Cologne had whispered to the two, but from the way they'd reacted you'd think Cologne had just found a Fate Worse Than The Fate Worse Than Death. Kasumi and Nabiki were present, Kasumi serving tea and Nabiki taking notes. Their inclusion had been because Kasumi was clueless but honest, while Nabiki was as honest as you paid her to be.  
  
Threatening to hit Nabiki's babble point, in which case she'd "speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" until the secret shiatsu counterpoint was triggered by an Amazon Elder had sent Nabiki to find Doctor Tofu's replacement- Doctor Miso. Who had confirmed that there were rumors of just such a thing, and no she didn't know the counter. Nabiki was therefore here but not anxious to do anything to cross the Elder.  
  
Akane was not here. She had loudly proclaimed her disinterest, and Cologne had said fine and tapped the "Instant Unconsciousness" shiatsu point. Then another shiatsu point which stimulated erotic dreams because frankly that girl really needed to loosen up some.  
  
Neither Kodachi nor Tatewaki Kuno were present either, for reasons that really should be obvious.  
  
Ukyo was present. Cologne was there. Nurse Meiou was there. Hotaru/Saturn was there. Due to her nervous habit of materializing the Silence Glaive, everyone with an IQ of above room temperature had figured out she was Sailor Saturn. Which meant her secret would be safe from the vast majority of Furinkan High School.  
  
Ranma was, of course, there. Looking about as nervous as the last dog at a Korean picnic.  
  
Happosai was, also of course, not there. Last seen by an American spy satellite, he was coming down somewhere in Northwestern China.  
  
Neither Tarou nor Ryouga were present either. Tarou had been changed back to human, said something *very* impolite about Hotaru, and had been the recipient of a powerful enough "dead scream" that he was in the hospital. Ryouga had been the recipient of an earlier dead scream, and was still passed out from nosebleed as he kept opening his eyes and seeing the inside of the sex shop he'd landed in. Followed by another collapse.  
  
Shampoo was there and looking nearly as nervous as Ranma. Her greatgrandmother had indicated that this was a win/lose and she absolutely could *not* attack either the short dark girl or the tall woman who apparently was the final decision maker as regarded who would marry Ranma.  
  
"So, uhm..." Ranma began, not entirely sure what to make of this. Nabiki had reminded him of the wish. Which meant that, evidence to the contrary, his engagement to Hotaru was *his* fault. Nabiki had also gone on quite a bit about how she'd make Ranma suffer for hurting Akane. Not that that was her primary consideration, merely the one she was admitting to.  
  
Nabiki wasn't saying anything of the sort right now due to her being reminded of disquieting dreams of a demonically possessed Akane. Had she consulted with anyone else she would have been rather disturbed to find out that everyone except Akane had had dreams that neatly fit into the same pattern. (Akane's dreams kept going back to being in control of others, having power, and losing control of herself.) No, it was far better to focus on the situation here, take notes and see what profit she could wring out of the situation later.  
  
Kasumi's usual happy/oblivious air was in place. Hotaru was such a nice girl. She found it easy to focus on serving tea and what a nice girl Hotaru was, and it kept her from dwelling on a very disturbing dream she'd had the previous night.  
  
Hotaru looked over at her fiance and failed miserably at trying to suppress a smile. He was *cute*.   
  
Kasumi refreshed Nabiki's teacup, then moved around the table and refilled their cups, then back to Ranma to use the last hot water to restore him. "My goodness, Ranma. When you made that wish for 'a nice decent fiancee who listened to me and didn't scare me all the time' it certainly does seem that Hotaru fits the description."  
  
Ranma began to look VERY nervous.  
  
Hotaru's heart began to flutter. HE had wished for her to be a fiancee?! Well, that was certainly different. She wanted a Western style wedding, in a cathedral by the ocean (not that one that Eudial had trashed) and she'd wear white (not really her color but there was tradition to consider) and... she had a year before she could legally marry so there was plenty of time to make those plans.  
  
At the warm, shimmery-eyed, happy look on Hotaru's face - Ranma swallowed nervously and glanced at Ukyo and Shampoo. They, predictably, were *not* happy campers.  
  
Nabiki considered what else she could do that would throw Hotaru off the concept. Ranma was Akane's property, Akane was her sister, and while Nabiki would borrow Akane's things from time to time - she always returned them after awhile.  
  
"There are other fiancees to consider as well. Professor Natsume's daughter Atsuko is on her way." Setsuna sipped at her tea. Hmmm. A fairly common blend but not bad. "There are also some others..."  
  
"Can you clarify that?" Nabiki asked in the middle of note-taking.  
  
Setsuna paused, steepling her hands in front of her. "Where to start? Hmmm."  
  
Ranma felt his nervousness increase for no reason he could immediately name. Shampoo and Ukyo had both turned their full attention to the nurse, so that couldn't be it.  
  
"There was a time, years ago during your father's studies under the founder of Anything Goes. Both Soun and Genma found this temple dealing with a martial arts master and the guardian of a golden anklet. The short end of the story was that when confronted with a large number of tigers in the mountains near Wakayama, they promised the gods one of their children. Each."  
  
Nabiki felt a shiver pass up her spine and looked up. Her hair actually started to toing out in wild spikes as she noticed green feline eyes appear in the shadows. "Eep!"  
  
Cologne took in the power level of the girl appearing and immediately went to "helpful matron" mode. With all her will, she tried to spontaneously master telepathy and send a "don't be a moron" message to her great granddaughter.  
  
The woman was wearing a pair of cutoff jeans, a tight t-shirt that left her midriff bare, and had a golden anklet jingling merrily above her tennis shoes. She was dusky skinned and black haired and had a sort of mixed oriental-Middle Eastern look to her. "Well nyow. Don't you look just tasty!"  
  
Ranma wasn't sure how he knew, but he knew. "C-c-c-c-cat?!"  
  
Shampoo stood and launched herself (causing Cologne to curse internally) at the newcomer. "Ranma is Shampoo airen, you no meow mew meow fttt... MEOW?!"  
  
On seeing Shampoo turn into a cat without cold water, Ranma started to panic.  
  
"Hmmm. Another bungled Catfist trainee, eh?" The woman made an offhand gesture. "Would anyone mind if I made a scratching post out of the idiot who trained him?"  
  
Nobody present objected. Ukyo went off into another pleasant fantasy.  
  
"Why ain't I scared no more?" Ranma wondered aloud. Just the sight of Shampoo hissing and looking like a pissed off kitten should have sent him fleeing. Instead it was just a cute little kitty cat.  
  
"Because, my iinazuke, I am Bastet - goddess of cats and marriage and a few other things. I'll give you my business card later." The dusky skinned woman waved a long-nailed finger in Shampoo's direction. "I'd suggest losing the attitude, Amazon. Otherwise I might cut you out of the running entirely."  
  
Ukyo was sitting back down and looking as innocent as possible.   
  
"Huh?" Ranma said, not getting it.  
  
Bastet showed a slight amount of disgust. "Okay. Reader's digest version for those whose ideas of goddesses comes from Marvel comics or AD&D. I am a goddess. In Shinto, a major kami. The major thrust of my powers deals with cats. I've got a few side areas as well. If it involves felines of any sort, it's well within my area of power. I don't think you being afraid of cats is amusing, so you are not afraid of cats when I'm near. Got it?"  
  
"Oh!" Ranma said, nodding his head rapidly.  
  
"You don't get it do you?" Bast looked unhappy.  
  
Ranma switched to shaking his head rapidly.  
  
"She's a megami," explained Setsuna. "An Egyptian goddess. She created the *real* Nekoken, not the lesser version you're familiar with."  
  
"Oh!" Ranma said, the light coming on. "Wait. That means there are *more* powerful versions?!"  
  
"Oh sure," Bastet made an idle gesture that returned Shampoo to human form. Well, at least 60% of the way. "There are special manuevers based on each of the cat breeds."  
  
Ranma considered carefully. At least as much as ever. Hotaru had that Silence Glaive and protective shield stuff, which he was pretty sure that if he couldn't learn it himself he could come up with an emulated version. Now this Bastet gal who apparently could not only fix the Catfist but teach him several upgraded manuevers. He didn't want to get married or nothin' but if he had to have fiancees - ones that could teach him really nifty martial arts was a big consolation prize.   
  
Shampoo just looked a little dismayed at having a tail, fur, muzzle etc while human.  
  
Nabiki noticed that expression and started trying to come up with something to cause Ranma to back off and return to Akane. They loved each other, Ranma enabling Akane to vent her hostility. Abuser and enabler - a perfect match. Of course if it had been Ranma being possessive and violent towards Akane, with Akane being jealous and clueless, Nabiki would have gone out of her way to make sure Ranma never came back from one of those challenge matches.   
  
Ranma found himself considering what it would be like to be engaged to a goddess and a Senshi. He ought to be able to get some decent fights at least. Fighting Kuno had gotten to the point where he felt almost like he was bullying some little half-trained kid. Ryouga could keep up, but practically everyone else had hit a plateau.  
  
"There are other fiancees to consider," reminded Setsuna, trying not to show favoritism. At least not too much. "Atsuko 'Nuku Nuku' Natsume for one."  
  
"That's that catgirl cyborg, isn't she?" Bastet slowly smiled. "I like her. Obviously I favor the whole catgirl concept, but there's something refreshing about a 10,000hp innocent."  
  
Ranma perked up a little more. MORE fiancees who had special martial arts knowledge?  
  
"There's also Malfea."  
  
Bast hissed. "A DEMON?!"  
  
Setsuna frowned and looked over at Nabiki, clearly communicating that she should return to her note-taking. "While I have legal authority to decide who is a suitable candidate or not, this applies to Heaven and Earth. Hell has its own operating instructions, as you might expect with the number of lawyers and 'spin meisters' that have gone their way since the Moon Kingdom days. Genma Saotome had just signed over rights to myself when he found himself in a bad spot. A cursed graveyard, zombies, giant bloodsucking leeches, evil faerie, and the whole nine yards. The bargain was two martial arts and his life, in return he sold his son's soul to the eternal darkness and slavery."  
  
Kasumi put down her pot of tea. "Is this true?"  
  
Setsuna nodded.  
  
Kasumi considered. "In that case, Bastet-sama, Ranma's father was the one who trained him in the Nekoken, and if you want to kill him..."  
  
Nabiki interrupted. Seeing Kasumi suggesting violence was just too much. "Wait a minute, so you're saying that there's a Hell?! Preposterous! The whole Heaven and Hell and goddesses thing is just propaganda for the masses. The whole urk!"  
  
Bastet was not (among other things) inclined to be mocked. At least not unless she could mock back. Holding her hand up as if grasping an invisible cup, she considered the choking Nabiki. "I find your lack of faith... disturbing."  
  
Nabiki choked and tried to draw a breath. On one level she appreciated the movie reference, though it was largely drowned out by the desire to *breathe* again.  
  
Setsuna rubbed her forehead as if she felt a headache coming on. "Bastet, release her. Choose some less fatal way to demonstrate your abilities if need be."  
  
Bastet grinned. "Oh yes. I am the goddess of cats and pleasures and sex. So how about..."  
  
"MEOW!" Nabiki said, getting flushed and frantic looking. Though the cat ears, tail, and a few other details really distracted one from noticing such things.  
  
"Back to the problem at hand. Malfea *is* in the area and will likely cause problems." Bastet looked directly at Ranma. "Do *not* fight her. She may insult you. She may attack other people, but her main attack will only work if you try and attack her."  
  
"What is it?" Ranma figured it was some kind of defensive martial arts attack.  
  
"Soul capture," said Bast. "Unless and until you marry one of us, you aren't anchored or come under any special rules. If you direct an attack towards Malfea she can rip the soul out of your body and put it in any container of her choosing. She can then possess you. The same goes for you, Miss Kuonji."  
  
---------  
  
The meeting had kind of broken up after that. Even Sailor Pluto could only keep track of so much at once and was going to check into which of the various arrangements she should keep active.  
  
Cologne had also been extremely thoughtful, and was busy erecting anti-demon wards around her restaurant.  
  
"Saotome, you fiend! Prepare to dieeeee!"  
  
"RANMAAAA! I'll make you pay for being unloyal to Akane!"  
  
"Foul Sorcerer! Release the purple eyed valkyrie!"  
  
"Breaaaghhhhh!"  
  
"Sweeto!"  
  
Unfortunately, the usual crowd seemed to have found them again, rather precluding Hotaru's effort to muster up her courage and ask her new fiancee to a nice teashop where they could talk.  
  
"Ranma," asked Hotaru as the bodies started converging on their position, "do you mind if I try something?"  
  
Hoping for a new martial arts attack, and not anxious to face everyone all at once, Ranma nodded. "Yeah. Go ahead."  
  
Holding her Glaive in one hand, Hotaru threw her other arm around him. "SATURN TELEPORT!"  
  
Sailor Saturn/Hotaru Tomoe hid a gleeful grin. No more innuendo about her and Chibi-usa! She got a studly boyfriend/fiance/sempai! She had an excuse to get out of the house when Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama got "playful" and started pulling out the weird costumes!   
  
(The Michiru-maid/Haruka-lord-of-the-manor one wasn't too bad. The evil youma/defenseless Senshi just seemed thoroughly wrong. Some of the others though were much much worse. At this point, and her tender young age, Hotaru wasn't sure what role Tiger Balm, clothes pins, girl scout uniforms, something called a "cat" but was apparently not cute and furry, and a nose flute played in the lives of Haruka Tenou and Michiru Kaioh. She wasn't sure she wanted to know. Some of the sounds could be quite disturbing.)   
  
Clutching said studly boyfriend with one arm, the other arm made a gesture with the Silence Glaive. The Inner Senshi could only teleport when they were all together. This wasn't true for all the Outer Senshi. Pluto could use the Gate Of Time to get about. Saturn had recently discovered something similar. Neither Uranus or Neptune could teleport without the other.   
  
(Though recently apparently, both would be "playing" and accidently teleport somewhere during the "wave cresting" part. Hotaru wasn't completely clear on the details but even Haruka-papa had turned beet red and wouldn't look at anyone when the subject had came up. Auntie Setsuna had merely smirked lots in that way she had.)   
  
So the Senshi Of Death & Destruction teleported her fiance to one place she knew by heart, having come to regard it as a safe haven for those times when Michiru-mama loaded up her arms with ice cream toppings and went up to her room with Haruka-papa.   
  
Ranma blinked, really really really wanting to learn this technique. Teleport out of immediate danger?! With his life the usefulness of such a technique bordered on the ridiculous. Of course, he'd likely get the chance as it looked likely that he'd be persona non grata at the Tendo household for a little while.   
  
Hotaru smiled and relaxed. Teleporting took a lot out of her, but they were safe now. "I'm not sure where this is, but I've come here a couple of times without any problems resulting. It's sort of a 'safe house' I think."   
  
Ranma nodded absently. White capped mountains descending to thick pine forest with a crystal clear lake rimmed by white sand beach at the bottom. Nice. Probably be able to do some decent training here.   
  
"Teleporting like that's very tiring, I'll just sit down over here," Hotaru added, transforming back from Senshi as she did so. It had also been the first time she'd teleported with someone.   
  
"Hmmm," hmmmed Ranma. He realized very quickly that this place was someplace not even on Earth. The sky was blue right above the mountains, testimony of an atmosphere, but higher up it became darker and darker until you could see the stars.  
  
Along with a few small moons.  
  
And not to forget one HUGE circular strip - or rather, several strips of variable width on the same plane, covering a good part of the horizon. And that can only be a part of Saturn's ring.  
  
Not knowing enough about astronomy to wonder how an area so similar to a portion of Earth could be found on the surface of a mostly gaseous, giant planet Ranma was still speechless from the sight.   
  
"Hey, uhm, Hotaru, you do know how to get us back, right?"   
  
"Zzzzzzzzzz," answered Hotaru.   
  
"Oh," said Ranma as he noticed that the girl (currently in the ugly Furinkan girl's school uniform) was curled up asleep and looking extremely cute and vulnerable as opposed to someone capable of knocking Pantyhose Tarou five miles. Though he realized it was dumb question after reflecting for a moment on it. She said she'd been here before, and she'd obviously gotten back since then.  
  
As he was not likely to get any answers (and he knew from living with Akane that waking her when she was exhausted would likely involve her chasing him around with shinnai) from this quarter, he just decided to leave her alone for now while exploring this new land.   
  
What he discovered was that there was a door standing in a small thick grove of trees a few meters away.   
  
Opening it let him to a corridor.   
  
What he didn't know was that each of the Senshi (except Moon) had these invisible castles orbitting their totem planet. Not that he was alone in this as the only one who still remembered this detail was Pluto. On her previous visits, Hotaru had never really explored - simply sat back and enjoyed the solitude and dim lighting.   
  
After a few minutes, Ranma returned, scooped up Hotaru and went inside.   
  
It was a fairly big castle - though Ranma was currently thinking of it as some kinda weird magical forest with an invisible cabin.   
  
It did however have a canopied bed with silk sheets and he'd thought it likely that his newest fiancee would be better rested for the trip back if she slept on a bed. Not to mention in a better mood. Akane, on one of those camping trips she was forced to go on by the two parents, did not awaken in a happy mood when she'd slept outside. And if Akane was unhappy she made darn sure that Ranma was unhappy.   
  
Ranma was a little concerned when Hotaru clutched onto him and mumbled his name, even more so at the little smile in place. It was a cute smile. At least as cute as Akane's could be on those infrequent occasions when she wasn't scowling or yelling.   
  
He wasn't sure what to do about the situation, and settled for stroking her hair as if she were a dog or something. After a few moments of this she seemed to relax and he could get out of the Saturnian deathgrip.   
  
Which eventually let him find something important. The kitchen.   
  
Ranma usually scowled and made a fuss about cooking. His father had long taught him that cooking was a girl thing and that guys couldn't be good at it. However, Ranma had gotten good at it - because he liked to eat edible food in large quantities and therefore sneaking food when his stupid Oyaji wasn't around was a valid tactic.   
  
*Splash*  
  
Now a busty girl, nobody could object to Ranma cooking, right?   
  
Finding a larder, Ranma filled up both arms, carried the stuff in, cooked a huge feast - then consumed it. She'd have to remind Hotaru to restock her pantry but...   
  
Ranma's eyes were large as she walked back into the pantry. She knew darn well she'd put that container of rice down half-empty. It was full again. And that...?!   
  
A pantry that refilled itself. To Ranma was this was almost finding the holy grail.   
  
Having found something like this, Ranma decided to explore more of the castle. A nice hot soak would be good after such a meal.   
  
Hotaru was rather confused as she knew that she had fallen asleep in her private little enclave, only to awaken in a bed in some stone built room. While she would have rather gone back to sleep (and dreams of snuggling (among other things) with Ranma), she decided to do some exploring.   
  
There was too much of a possibility for being in the hands of some evil being.   
  
So, she walked down the various halls, marveling at the stonework, and wishing for some more lighting. Actually, she would have prefered to be holding onto her fiance as they explored the castle. In turn, that could lead to snuggle time...   
  
As she neared one of the rooms, she heard the sounds of dishes clanking, and moved to investigate. A busty redhead in clothing that looked exactly like Ranma's was moving around, in an apparent attempt to straighten up. Hotaru moved to push open the door, which made a creaking sound as she did so.   
  
Ranma spun around to face her fiance, who looked quite a bit suspicious. "Heh heh, hi Hotaru."   
  
"How do you know my name?" Hotaru scowled. "Who are you and where are we?"   
  
"I'm Ranma. And I don't know where we are."   
  
"Ranma's a guy. He's got black hair and no... ahem... those!" Hotaru said, blushing heavily towards the end.   
  
"Well, you see... You remember what I told ya 'bout Taro?" Ranma asked. The redhead rubbed the back of her head. "Instead of what he turns into, I turn into this."   
  
Fortunately for Ranma, Hotaru was not like her Michiru-mama or (especially) her Haruka-papa.   
  
Either would have long since moved to attack. Instead, she took a page from Ami's (and to a small extent, Setsuna's) book and thought about it.   
  
"Okay. Prove it," said Hotaru. Though she had seen the Starlights among other things, there were several things striking her as being wrong about this situation.   
  
1. A youma would not be cleaning the kitchen after a very large meal.   
2. The youma usually had a busty female appearance like this one, but they also had some nonhuman feature. Usually.   
3. With not only the Starlights, but some of Usagi's experiments with the Disguise Pen, the idea of a guy turning into a girl (or vice versa) was not as strange or logic-defying as it could have been.   
  
So it was easy for Hotaru to believe that this could in fact be her Ranma.   
  
Ranma simply cupped a double handful of hot water from the dishes and splashed her face, reversing the Jusenkyo curse.   
  
Hotaru nodded thoughtfully. This might actually make Ranma more acceptable to Haruka-papa, who thought her daughter ought to take up with Chibi-usa.   
  
"Where did the forest go?" Hotaru asked, taking a glance around.   
  
"It's still there," Ranma said, "I think. I was lookin' for a place to put ya when I found a door and this place." Inwardly he was stunned. He'd run into disbelief, disgust, hatred, fear, and a number of other reactions from people who saw his Jusenkyo curse for the first time. Just nodding and accepting it? What kind of weirdness was Hotaru used to that she just took it in stride?  
  
The Senshi of Saturn frowned. It wasn't a 'Ranma's in trouble' one, but a 'I'm not sure what's going on here' one. But still, it didn't feel bad. In fact she felt almost... comfortable here. 'Why?' was really the question. And she really didn't understand the ease at which she found her way around the castle.   
  
"Somethin' wrong?" Ranma asked.   
  
"I don't think so..," Hotaru half-murmured to him. There was something that Setsuna-mama had said once about castles, but she couldn't remember what. It didn't seem to be life-threatening, but neither did the castle.   
  
'Wait a second,' Hotaru thought. She was alone in a (very) secluded place with a really cute boy, who happened to be her fiance... Her face lit up in a blush that turned her entire face and neck a most becoming shade of rose.   
  
"Are ya okay?" Ranma asked, "Ya ain't sick or nothin'?"   
  
"Of... Of course not," Hotaru squeaked.   
  
The pigtailed boy smiled. "That's good ta hear. I thought ya might be sick or somethin'."   
  
Hotaru opened her mouth to reply and closed it again. The thought of having her studly boyfriend alone with her in a dimly lit castle, and that four-poster bed with the crisp clean silk sheets. She knew what Minako or Makoto would be doing right now in such a situation. Ami would probably hit the library. Hmmm.  
  
"Well, we should look around I s'pose," said Ranma. "So far there's that room with the mountains, the kitchen, the larder, and there's the bathroom."   
  
Hotaru excused herself as soon as that room was pointed out. When she returned she looked a little different.   
  
Ranma wondered why Hotaru had added some light makeup, was wearing a faint whiff of some lavender perfume, and looking embarassed again.   
  
"I don't think you should go in the bathroom in girl form," muttered Hotaru. "It's..."   
  
Curious, Ranma headed there and opened it up. He hadn't seen many high tech toilets - though he and Pops had snuck into a Hong Kong hotel and found one that had been kinda similar.   
  
Sort of a Western style toilet. Now very curious, Ranma splashed himself with cold water and considered the image in the three full length mirrors. Nothing had changed. Nothing had... whoa.   
  
Hotaru entered behind Ranma and now looked at the three images. In the center mirror Ranma's female form dressed exactly as she was, though with makeup, manicure, hair brushed, and looking quite a bit more feminine and attractive. The left hand mirror showed Ranma wearing a white sort of gown, jewelry, and otherwise as made up as the center image. The right hand mirror was wearing... a green seifuku style uniform.   
  
"What the crap?!" Ranma eloquently put.   
  
"Don't touch any of the images or your clothes will morph and you'll get that sort of makeup," Hotaru suggested.   
  
Ranma practically leapt to the sink and the hot water tap to restore his manhood. Then standing in front of the mirror again, he noted three different images.   
  
This time the mirror showed a clean Ranma in the center, a tuxedo clad Ranma on the right, and a Ranma wearing a combination of armor and bodysuit on the left.   
  
Hotaru found herself practically drooling and stopped herself with effort. She thought the center Ranma very very cute, the left hand Ranma to have a certainly studly-roguish swashbuckler flair, and the right hand Tuxedo Ranma to be quite the charmer.   
  
"Hmmm," said Ranma. This seemed harmless enough. Oh well. "So where ya want to go, that's about all on this level, but there's at least two more - I seen the stairwell at the end."   
  
Hotaru hoped that sometime she'd get to see Tuxedo Ranma again, and soon, but as soon as she could get her mouth working again decided they should go up.  
  
Hotaru had followed Ranma up the stairs when she noticed the stairs went up into a sort of throne room.  
  
Ranma approached the throne, only to see the lighting turn red. Hotaru was not only able to approach, but sit down.  
  
:Castle Defenses passive. Bring online?  
  
Hotaru blinked. "I heard a voice!"   
  
"I didn't hear nothin'," responded Ranma. He didn't think Hotaru was hallucinating. As this was a magical castle, voices that only spoke to one person weren't that difficult to believe. Especially after cursed springs, cursed dolls, ghost cats, etc.   
  
"Uhm, okay. I guess," Hotaru said uncertainly.  
  
:Defenses active. Princess Saturn located. Welcome home. 10,258 years, 4 months, 13 days since last within Castle Saturn. One intruder found in close proximity to Princess. Relationship?  
  
"Relationship?" Hotaru asked, then realized the castle might be asking if Ranma was a threat? "Oh, he's my boyfriend. Errr. Iinazuke."  
  
:Iinazuke = fiance = Consort. Scanning.  
  
Ranma puzzled over the half of the conversation he could hear. It was sure odd to hear himself being referred to as a boyfriend or iinazuke in such a casual fashion. With Akane it was usually hostile or with a tone of disgust. With Shampoo it was always "airen". With Kodachi came that weird laugh and Ukyo usually stuttered or said it in an odd way. "So, whose castle is it?"  
  
"Mine, I think. It refers to itself as 'Castle Saturn' and I'm Sailor Saturn." Hotaru was curious about this herself.  
  
:Please have Consort identify himself for record.  
  
Hotaru relayed this. "The Castle wants you to tell it who you are."  
  
Ranma shrugged. Despite Akane's comments about him being infamous and bringing her family's reputation to ruin - apparently he wasn't that famous. "Ranma Saotome of the Anything Goes School Of Martial Arts."  
  
:Scan complete.  
:Name Designate: Ranma Saotome  
:Occupation: Consort - Sailor Saturn.  
:Secondary Position: Student Of Warrior Arts, Bodyguard To Princess  
:Transmitting Data To Network  
  
Outside the Castle a mechanism moved. Information was exchanged with the other castles and with sleeping devices below the lunar surface. The reply came back quickly.  
  
:Registration complete.  
:Ranma Saotome confirmed as Consort to Sailor Saturn  
:Warrior Arts style not in database.  
:Unusual readings on Astral and Overdimension scans. Scan further?  
  
"Hold on. You're my Castle? Does that mean all the Senshi have Castles?"  
  
:Affirmative. Affirmative. This is Castle Saturn. You are Princess Saturn. Other Castles exist for all other Princesses.  
  
Hotaru nodded to Ranma. "It says its my castle and all the Senshi have castles."  
  
"Oh," said Ranma. Something occurred to him. Old places often had martial arts scrolls and the like. Certainly he and his father had gone to enough old temples and the like over the years. "Does this place have a dojo?"  
  
Hotaru relayed that to the Castle.   
  
Meanwhile, Castle Saturn was making all sorts of little corrections. Its orbit had decayed slightly and needed adjusting. The Princess had been through reincarnation and didn't know its capabilities. Still, she was definitely identifiable as Sailor Saturn. The male had been identified as her Consort and as a warrior. Not too unusual, all things considered. It went ahead and scanned the male, discovering all sorts of things that didn't make a lot of sense. When it replayed the scene in the bathroom, some of it did fall into place.  
  
-------  
  
*beep!*  
  
Meanwhile the data continued making its rounds, eventually reaching the Mercury Computer. Ami flipped the screen on, read the display and was quite surprised at the contents:  
  
:Updating Database...   
:Adding: Consort of Princess Saturn: Ranma Saotome   
:Effective Rank: General   
:Occupation: Consort/Bodyguard   
:Specialty: Unknown style of fighting  
:Overdimension and Astral pattern mismatch. Further data follows...  
  
Ami wondered what Makoto or Minako would say if they learned that little Hotaru had found a boyfriend before either of them. Probably set them off on another angst-fest.  
  
The data was even more interesting. The complete anatomical scan caused Ami's breath to go slightly ragged. He was certainly in good shape. Just look at that...  
  
Ami frowned. These readings indicated something unpleasant. Maybe she would have to contact the other Senshi.  
  
---------  
  
Hotaru had figured the Castle was kind of like a computer.  
  
Ranma had just figured it was all magic and left it at that.  
  
It was odd that the Consort had a better idea than the Princess, but then this entire situation was odd.  
  
Hotaru was sitting back against a wall and watching her fiance move and sighing longfully a lot. She had decided Ranma was cute, handsome even, when not practicing the martial arts. When he was moving though, the often sinuous motions blending with strength and purpose and movement...  
  
Hotaru sighed deeply again, grinning. Her Consort. How nice.  
  
Ranma didn't care about the titles or anything of that nature. What he did care about was that the animated training dummy had fallen apart after his first attack, then reformed and lasted twice as long. This was when the pattern had been established. One decent hit and the dummy stopped. It was getting that hit in that was getting progressively difficult.   
  
That the dojo itself projected the "training dummy" into place was not known by Ranma. That his patterns were observed, analyzed, and brought against him - was. That the animated pile of sticks was constantly improving to be a greater challenge was not only something that Ranma knew, it was something he appreciated.  
  
Kuno rarely improved at all. Except for that watermelon trick he hadn't gotten much faster or stronger since the day he had met Ranma. A little tougher perhaps, but that was it. Akane? A lot of improvement but still clumsy and not that powerful. Shampoo or Ukyo? Good, especially Shampoo, but they were both pushing their limits and Ranma couldn't spar against either of them without dealing with an insanely jealous hair-trigger tempered uncute tomboy. Mousse? Relied too much on hidden weapons and a friendly sparring match with Mousse was impossible for someone who used live weapons routinely. His Pop? Familiar and he knew all the old panda's tricks.   
  
Unfortunately the only sparring partner he could count on was his oyaji, but he'd become a lot less fond of the old fart since finding out some of the little problems arranged by him. That left Ryouga, Happosai, and Cologne.  
  
Cologne had mellowed considerably since her arrival, but she hadn't objected to Shampoo's use of things like that "Red Thread Of Fate" and he couldn't count on her not pushing the agenda unless Shampoo were out of town. Still, on those occasions, he did like to make a little extra cash as the Cat Cafe replacement waitress because she not only got paid but Cologne would work on extra speed and hint about this or that bit of old martial arts lore.  
  
Happosai had a tendency to get nasty and vindictive, and was a pervert, and a general creep. He was also the only one he had to worry about getting splashed and groped by during the middle of a fight. Before he'd met up with Happosai, he'd always thought that girls made too much of a fuss about getting groped. Since then, he'd known there was something really foul about the little monster because you always felt like you needed to scrub off his pawprints after he'd grabbed onto you.  
  
Ryouga was the best sparring partner Ranma had. Tough, resilient, strong, and likely to show up with bizarre powerful martial arts moves. However Ryouga had found Akari Unryuu and the Lost Boy was losing that drive. He was getting content, and while Ranma certainly couldn't complain about Ryouga mellowing out some and getting a piece of happiness in his life, he did miss the fights. Unless Ryouga showed up with a new martial arts manuever again, there wasn't much challenge there either.  
  
--------  
  
Ryouga sneezed and nearly destroyed the secret scrolls he was taking out of the chest. The grin returned. This time he would be able to defeat Ranma! This special manuever would finish the rivalry once and for all!  
  
The only objection was that this one was kinda hentai. Ryouga hoped Akari wasn't around when he humiliated and defeated Ranma. Or for that matter anyone else.  
  
-------  
  
Ranma stopped sparring with the dummy. It returned to a "ready" stance when Ranma ceased trying to attack it. "Ain't ya got something else?"  
  
The dojo considered and responded by manifesting a intense localized gravity field (strength and speed training.)  
  
Saturn Castle thoroughly approved. In adapting to the Consort's attacks it was also testing his skills and was gaining an appreciation of the Warrior Arts. Although the Consort's power level was comparatively low, he demonstrated two abilities that made him worthy of being Saturn's Bodyguard. Firstly: he made the most efficient use of his ability to channel his unusual energy into augmenting his physiology; not a single motion was wasted. Secondly: he learned at an astonishing rate; demonstrating the ability to analyze and adapt to the Castle's own evolving tactics almost as rapidly as the Castle could adapt to his! Tactics, the Castle recalled, weren't the Silver Millenium Forces' strong point.  
  
Still, the Consort was underpowered in the Castle's opinion. But, unlike the arrogant nobility in the Castle's memory, he seemed to recognise the deficiency and requested assistance in improving his skills. The Castle obliged by intensifying the local gravity field to normal.  
  
Normal gravity for Saturn, that is.  
  
"What the ...?" Ranma demanded as he was pressed to the floor by ten gees.  
  
"Ranma? Are you okay?" Hotaru demanded, unaware that she'd unconsciously transformed with the changing conditions.  
  
"Heh! I'm fine," Ranma grunted as he pushed himself to his feet. He was not about to be shown up by a girl. "Just taken by surprise, that's all. I can take more than this. Heh. Oh, man!"  
  
The last was added because the Castle took his words at face value and increased the field another increment - Jovian normal - then another and proceeded to continue to do so until the Consort was satisfied.  
  
"I can handle it," Ranma grunted as he struggled to do a push up and Hotaru looked on in puzzlement.  
  
Saturn looked up at the walls. "Castle, what are you doing?"  
  
:Localized gravity field increased. Current bio-signs of Consort indicate he is currently working out within maximum conditions he can tolerate. Is this satisfactory?  
  
Watching Ranma straining as he tried to do a single push-up, Hotaru considered. "I guess. Just try not to hurt him."  
  
The Castle agreed. It was rare for any of the Senshi to take a lover for more than a brief period. Still, it's data on mental health indicated that having a confidante/lover outside the Senshi to be beneficial. Therefore this Consort was something that would benefit Saturn. In the limited programming of the Castle, that was all that mattered.  
  
:Monitoring bio-signs to prevent injury to Consort.  
  
"Unnngghhh," said Ranma as he strained. Man, this was some tough training!  
  
Saturn briefly struggled with concern for her fiance, appreciation for how the strain caused his muscles to get taut and slick with sweat, and desire to spend some quality time here instead of just watching him work out.   
  
"Uhm," Saturn took a seat at the bench and fidgeted. "You know, I, ah, that is, I don't know much about you yet, Ran-sama."  
  
Ranma grunted as he managed another push-up, just a moment before he slammed onto the floor. "...okay..." He would rather chew his own leg off rather than admit defeat, but if his new iinazuke wanted to talk - well it'd be impolite to work out during it, wouldn't it? "What's to tell?"  
  
Saturn decided to tell *her* story, maybe it would get Ranma to tell his own. Just that he turned into a girl indicated that he had an interesting life.  
  
"The first time I was born," began Saturn, "I was just five when my father was experimenting with a microverse."  
  
---------  
  
"Where IS that baka?" She felt she had to chase him down, hit him, and tell him that she was *not* interested!  
  
"He's off with Tomoe-san," said Nabiki, wondering whether to indulge her Supportive Sister side or the Mischievious Manipulator side. "Give it a rest, Akane. Until they find this Mephasta girl just let it work out. Tomoe will get tired of the constant crap from Ranma's mouth, and that'll be another rival out."  
  
"That's Malfea."  
  
Nabiki nodded once before the voice registered as being no one they knew. As she was still a catgirl she had the new-to-her sensation of all the fur on her tail going *poof!*  
  
Akane turned to regard the girl in the tight leathers. "And who are you? Another floozie! FINE!"  
  
"You want to fight me?" The woman studied her manicure. "A *real* martial artist would respond to the challenge."  
  
"Akane, remember what I said, don't fight her! She..." Nabiki made the mistake of looking into the eyes of the challenger. Her voice vanished before she could point out that no challenge had actually been issued.  
  
"Stay out of this. Else I shall kill your mortal shell and force your immaterial wraith to haunt your own training hall." Malfea turned her attention back to Akane. "As I understand it, you're the only obstacle to me getting Ranma. A flatchested brute like yourself is hardly worthy of such a prize."  
  
Akane twitched. Her temper was already frayed.  
  
Malfea saw the score and pressed her advantage, slipping into a mockery of a martial arts pose. "Of course, you ill-bred wench, with your skills in the martial arts, you're not much of a threat to any *real* warriors. Wouldn't be surprised if you couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag. If you think you're up to it, why don't you try me?"  
  
Akane obliged, swinging a punch that should have slammed directly into the woman's nose.  
  
The demoness moved to the side, her hand plunging into Akane's chest, and drawing a mist out. "I expected more."  
  
Nabiki was practically crawling the walls to get away. If she had still had claws, she might have.  
  
Akane clutched her chest and stared at the little struggling transparent naked Akane in the woman's hand. "That's..."  
  
"Your soul," said Malfea, holding the figure up. "Rage seems to be your handle. If you attack me physically, I can use my Soultaker technique. If you, like most practitioners of the Anything Goes, have devoted yourself to one of the Seven Deadly Sins - I can not only take your soul but use that to manipulate you any way I want to."  
  
Akane gasped as the demoness, now showing her red skin and horns, squeezed slightly on the figure. It was as if she were gripped by some huge hand and couldn't move. Her entire body was being crushed. "You... coward..."  
  
"Now now, not nice at all," said Malfea. "Now what to do with this. Should I cage your soul into a magic dildo for all eternity, so that the only way you can feel anything is for someone to use it? Perhaps. Give you over entirely into rage - making you some hulking beast of destruction? Possibly. Just stick you into a voodoo doll, so that I can control and manipulate your body at my whim? Maybe."  
  
Nabiki realized that she didn't practice Anything Goes. Hadn't trained in the art since she was seven, in fact - when Akane had proven to have more natural talent in that direction. So maybe she would be safe if she tried to distract the demon from Akane? On the other hand, she would also readily admit that her personal talents were not inclined towards physical violence and that demoness had moved *fast* when Akane had attacked.  
  
Akane was in a position she didn't like at all - being helpless.   
  
"Oh dear..." Kasumi came to a complete stop. The demoness was obvious. Akane floating in midair, crying, and with her arms and legs pinned together - definitely not the usual situation. "Uhm that's really not polite."  
  
Malfea said what Kasumi could do with politeness as she stuffed the transparent Akane into one of those little liquor bottles they have on airplanes.  
  
Kasumi was nonplussed for a moment. NOBODY had ever spoken to her in such a manner.  
  
Malfea smiled and acted as if she were going to pluck Kasumi's soul.  
  
To Nabiki, there was only one person sacred from her usual games. It was NOT Akane, nor her father. Kasumi had sacrificed everything for her family, embodying the ideal of giri, that the thought of her being put through this ordeal was too much to handle. Therefore she did something completely out of character.  
  
"Hello? Police? Get me Y Division!" Nabiki calling the police, who'd have thought?  
  
"Well, I can't capture your soul despite all that lovely greed and pride, so I'll just have to kill you," said Malfea, holding up a hand rimmed with black fire.  
  
"Tsk. Using high power magical attacks, Malfea? Against mortals?" Bast sighed as she entered the room, flanked by two other women. "Even against a catgirl, don't you think Balefire is a bit much?"  
  
Malfea took an involuntary step back. Bast, Amaterasu Omikami, Hestia. Two goddesses First Class and a goddess Third Class. "Look at the evil in her. Greed, pride, the desire to wound and manipulate others - they rule her life. She already belongs to the Darkness."  
  
"I don't know, I got the impression she was considering a lifestyle change." Bast glanced at the catgirl. "Isn't that right, Nabiki Tendo?"  
  
Nabiki nodded her head so rapidly she almost gave herself whiplash.  
  
"Well, then I'll just take my spoils and go," Malfea responded, slipping the bottle into her cleavage. The demoness grinned and vanished.  
  
As Akane's body hit the floor, Kasumi rushed to it. Eyes stared lifelessly up.  
  
"No, Nabiki, we could not have engaged her in battle. There are reasons that the gods and demons do not go rushing about slaughtering each other, not ignoring that all three daughters Tendo would have been killed in the crossfire," said the Greek goddess of the hearth. "Besides, you have to start on that new lifestyle or she'll be back to follow up on her threat."  
  
Nabiki paled and wondered how to reinvent herself thoroughly on the spot.  
  
"Akane?" Kasumi felt for a pulse. "She's alive but not waking up."  
  
"Her soul has been taken, if you'll pardon me, we'll need to put a Circle Of Warding up around the body to keep it from being possessed." Bast sighed. So much work when what she really wanted to do was check up on her fiance!  
  
------  
  
"Waitaminute," said Ranma, holding his hands out in a "time out" gesture. "Your real father gave you up to this Meiou chick, and you're being raised by two people who tried to kill ya repeatedly before ya got adopted. Then these same two DID kill ya and that Meiou chick in some lame plan that didn't work?"  
  
"Uhm, yes, that *is* technically correct," allowed Hotaru.  
  
"And this was all after that demon thingie was pulled outta ya?"  
  
"Well, the killing me part was," hedged Hotaru.  
  
Ranma nodded, getting this. While he didn't understand all of it, he understood *some* of it. Basically Hotaru was like him: someone who'd gotten a raw deal most of their life and suffered for her Art. "And both you and that Meiou chick are OK with this?"  
  
"Well, I..." Hotaru didn't want to mention the occasional nightmare of being hunted down and killed by a gleeful Michiru-mama or Haruka-papa. "Setsuna-mama had some... issues. She sort of mentioned them after the last fight when I, uhm, kinda overheard her."  
  
"Issues? You overheard?" Ranma wasn't too sure what she meant.  
  
"She normally doesn't drink," explained Hotaru. "When I ran into her..."  
  
"Ah, got ya. She was sloshed and got talkative. Mister Tendo does that sometimes." Ranma nodded again. "So what issues?"  
  
Hotaru paused again, but then she had *wanted* to tell *someone* this ever since she'd found out.  
  
A pair of feline eyes, unnoticed, formed in the shadows of the castle and listened to make sure the two were OK.  
  
The Castle itself, of course, listened.  
  
"Do you know what a 'geas' is, Ranma?" Hotaru took a deep breath. "It's a sort of magical compulsion, forcing you to act or think a certain way no matter what you want to do. It turns out that each time Auntie Setsuna died, she was looking relieved. Something that Michiru-mama remarked on once. It turns out that was why. I... worry about Auntie Setsuna. Supposedly she was freed of the geas when she was resurrected this last time, but I think some of it is in place still."  
  
Ranma remembered the koi rod, red string, and a few other things and shuddered. "So what did this make her do?"  
  
Hotaru let out a deep breath. "Auntie Setsuna is from the future. I have a friend named Usagi. In the future she becomes Queen and has this very powerful item called the Eternal Silver Millenial Crystal or ginzuishou. At some point, Sailor Pluto is put in charge of guarding the Gate Of Time and she fails to do something. Usagi uses the ginzuishou to apply the geas that Sailor Pluto will do three things: Guard the Gates Of Time and allow no one near; Protect the future of Crystal Tokyo; and do not flirt with Prince Endymion." Hotaru shuddered. She had begun to suspect something prior to Galaxia, every so often she'd seen a glimpse behind Setsuna's mask. The pieces had slowly come together after that, then the final revelation.  
  
"That doesn't sound so bad," said Ranma, cautiously.  
  
"Except that it was the Crystal Tokyo future that Neo-Queen Serenity remembered that was the point of the geas." Hotaru shuddered, wanting to cry as she had on learning what horror had unknowingly been pressed upon Setsuna. "She saw suffering that needn't have seen, and couldn't do anything about it. She saw people who might have lived, and watched them die because she couldn't do anything. She saw people who could have brought happiness to each of Usagi's friends lives - and had to manipulate events so that they wouldn't stick around or form relationships. She's had to give up her own dreams, and watch her friends lose their dreams, and she couldn't help."  
  
"Shit," said Ranma. Suddenly, most of his own problems seemed small. Heck, he just wished Ryouga could have heard that. Ryouga might have seen Hell, but it sounded like some of these girls had actually taken the tour.  
  
"So, what about you?" Hotaru pressed, wondering what wonders and excitement her cute iinazuke had been through.  
  
"Well, uhm," said Ranma, wondering how the heck he was going to come off in this exchange. "Uhm. I don't remember a lot of it, but here goes... Some of it I kinda pieced together from stuff like Ukyo showing up later."  
  
-------  
  
Kasumi looked concerned. "But I'm Japanese..."  
  
Nabiki reached out and held her sister's shoulder briefly, ignoring the nervous twitching of her tail. "Kasumi, when we've got demons running around, cursed houseguests, and Akane's just had her soul stuffed in a bottle of cheap vodka. Just take the nice goddess' help and be glad she doesn't turn you into a cowgirl or something."  
  
"If she doesn't want to be a priestess of Hestia, you can't force her, though it seemed a natural enough match," said Bast.   
  
"Too bad," said Hestia, though she seemed not at all put out about it. "You already have the basics down."  
  
"Don't look at me," said Amaterasu. "You are many things, Kasumi Tendo, but a warrior is not among that list."  
  
------  
  
The Castle listened to the Consort and pulled the details into a coherent order. When the Consort came to a rambling halt, the Castle finished the report and flashed it to the next set of Castles and to the hidden Lunar archives.   
  
------  
  
"Uhm, so that's kinda what happened to me," said Ranma.  
  
Hotaru stared. A comment of impolite terms but indicating disbelief tried to flow past her lips. She settled for just shaking her head. "Are you sure your father isn't a demon or a youma? We could try purifying him, just to be sure."  
  
Ranma was about to deny it when he got this thoughtful expression, trying to picture the old man getting purified of things like greed and sloth and maybe stupidity. No matter how he tried though, he just couldn't picture it.  
  
------  
  
The Castle had determined that Ranma was *not* Hematite, but that their personalities were fairly similar. So a similar role might well work. Hematite, after all, had not reincarnated - having died well prior to the Queen's use of the Crystal. It relayed those correlations to the next castle and to Lunar Central.  
  
Lunar Central, which it should be noted had not had a scheduled maintenence in 10,000 years, sent on the confirmation that Ranma Saotome was the reincarnated Hematite - a minor noble related to Sailor Jupiter who had briefly dated Venus (a passionate if brief affair that broke up when Venus reconciled with Jadeite) and who had later died defending Venus during the first war with Beryl.  
  
Ami had just gotten most of the Inners together when this update occurred. At which point "potential menace" became something quite else.  
  
"I HAD A BOYFRIEND?!" Minako bounced up and down. "Was he cute?"  
  
"This is what he looks like now," said Ami, showing Minako the picture.  
  
*SNATCH!* "MinemineminemineMINE!"  
  
"Wow! He looks a lot like my sempai!"  
  
"Uhm, actually, I already said that he's Hotaru's fiance," Ami pointed out.  
  
Minako and Makoto looked as if someone had just dropkicked their stomachs.  
  
Minako sat back down. "Let's see. The Senshi of Love and the Senshi of Lightning can't get a boyfriend if it would save the Earth from the latest menace, but the Senshi of Death who used to be two years younger and most likely to end up with Chibiusa gets a hot hunk like that and is his fiancee in less than a week?"  
  
"I am *so* depressed," agreed Makoto.  
  
"Maybe it's that whole Goth thing," speculated Minako. "The whole brooding dark atmosphere. Maybe cute and perky just doesn't work in the '90s?"  
  
"I'm too damn tall," pouted Makoto. "That limits my choices. I'd either have to go with a taller Japanese guy or find a gaijin since some of *them* like tall girls."  
  
"Hold the shoe!" Minako snapped her fingers. "I just had a brainfart!"  
  
"That's 'hold the phone' and 'brainstorm'," corrected Ami, though she secretly might be betting on the accuracy of the faux paus.  
  
"If this 'Hematite' guy survived, then how about other guys we'd gone out with?" Minako had a plan. Find out who their boyfriends had been back then, find out who they'd reincarnated as, renew the relationships!   
  
"There's a problem with that," explained Ami. "Apparently you promised after Hematite saved you that you accepted your engagement to him posthumously. Now that you're both alive, uhm, you're kind of engaged to Hotaru's fiancee, Minako-chan."  
  
Minako blinked several times as what Ami said sank in. "What?"   
  
"If we were to go by the arrangements made in the Silver Millenium... you would be engaged to Hotaru-chan's fiance," the blue haired girl replied.   
  
A broad smile spread across the blonde's face. This was so great! A cute boy and he was her fiance. Finally, after so much heartache and searching, she could finally get a hunk for her very own! She could show him what the power of love could do! She could... take away Hotaru-chan's fiance.   
  
Damn. Damn! DAMN! And she actually liked the Senshi of Saturn. It would feel simply wrong to do this to her.   
  
On the one hand, she would get a hunky boy to be fiance. They could date and do all those things that they did in those romance mangas that she had. Like kissing... (MAJOR blush attack.) But that would mean taking him away from Hotaru. If anyone deserved to have love in her life, it was Hotaru. The Senshi of Silence had been teased, lonely and had DIED twice, being ressurected by Sailor Moon both times. And still she was a sweet and loving child.   
  
The least that she could do was to find out about their apparently shared fiance. It would give both the opportunity to find out about the cute boy. Besides, if there was one, there was always more....   
  
When Minako revealed her idea to her friends, the reactions were mixed. Ami and Rei were wondering who had done a brain transplant on the blonde. Makoto figure that something weird was going on. And Usagi...   
  
"Okay! That sounds like a great idea!"   
  
...couldn't figure out what the others' silence was about.   
  
"Ahem. Yes, well," said Ami, "we can always check with Michiru and Haruka. I'm sure they'll be reasonable about this."  
  
"Haruka is going to be reasonable about this?" Usagi blinked. "We're talking about 'Haruka Ten'ou' right?"  
  
Minako slumped. "I'm doomed."  
  
-------  
  
Haruka couldn't get a shotgun, this was Japan after all. She settled for brandishing the Space Sword.  
  
Michiru blinked as she lowered the Neptune Mirror they'd just used to take a quick peek at what Hotaru was doing.  
  
Which was just Hotaru leading her fiance to that bed so he could rest a little after his workout. Innocent actually. Her blush was an indication that not all her thoughts were quite so innocent but that was something else.  
  
Haruka had taken one look at the scene and come to obvious, if entirely inaccurate, conclusions.  
  
"But you knew she was going to be meeting her fiance at the new school," Michiru interjected. After all, Haruka tended to act like a tomcat herself at times, so Hotaru holding hands with her fiance was hardly something to be alarmed about.  
  
This wasn't a logical decision for Haruka Ten'ou, not made with the head, but an emotional one made with the heart. Pretty standard for a Ranma character, wasn't it?  
  
"Where are they? I'll show that boy not to go messing with my daughter like that!"  
  
Michiru considered pointing out that Hotaru wasn't *really* their daughter, that she was just holding hands at the moment, that Hotaru was the one dragging a slightly protesting Ranma, or that the two were engaged and frankly it would be better if they figured out they were compatible *there* before the wedding. The phone rang and Michiru decided that getting away from the ranting Haruka for a moment was worth the interruption.  
  
"First I'll beat the daylights out of him! Then I'll transform and show him what a 'Space Sword Blaster' is like! How *dare* he drag Hotaru off like that!" Haruka was going with a full head of steam and didn't care if sense wasn't being made. "I had no idea he was such a Casanova or I would *never* have agreed to let them meet! And what is with that school?!"  
  
Michiru listened to Minako briefly and without much attention. "Hematite? Well, as soon as Haruka calms down I'll mention it. Oh, fine. Go right ahead. I think you'd make a fine daughter-in-law."  
  
---------  
  
Minako put the phone down slowly. Twitching a lot.  
  
"Was she upset? How did she take it?" The other Inners were quite curious.  
  
"Michiru-san said that 'we should go for it' and that I'd 'make a fine daughter-in-law'..." Minako wondered if fainting would be a good idea. "I don't think I'm ready for that kind of relationship."  
  
Rei blinked. "You *and* Hotaru *and* Hematite?"  
  
Makoto clapped her hands together, Buddhist prayer style. "Better you than me."  
  
"You should sound a little less jealous," advised Rei.  
  
-------  
  
Ranma was a little stunned. So far Hotaru Tomoe had proven to be a fiancee completely unlike his other ones.  
  
"Come on, Ranma, you should rest some before we go back," Hotaru blushed and tried not to think about tucking her iinazuke in. Or curling up next to him for a quick nap herself.  
  
Ranma stared at nothing in particular.   
  
The Castle noted that the Senshi and Her Consort still had not consummated their relationship. Bio-scans indicated that the Senshi was biologically ready for such activities, the Consort was not. Perhaps it should adjust the training regimen slightly to leave him more energy for such activities?  
  
Hotaru was wondering why Ranma had gone into shock, not realizing that when she had used her healing talents after his workout, that he had been struck with the force of her emotions. He had *felt* how much she cared for him already.  
  
Something completely different from what he had experienced before now, as different as Hotaru's nature was from them.  
  
It had been... humbling.  
  
==========  
  
HOTARU 1/2: Second day  
mainly by Kestral and Kender_Sci  
  
  
-------  
  
Michiru had taken some time to convince that Hotaru needed to be pulled out of Furinkan. Still, someone needed to rein in on Haruka at times like this.  
  
"What do you mean 'you can't withdraw Hotaru' from this *MADHOUSE*?!" Haruka asked for what seemed the fourth time.  
  
"Hey, da big kahuna, he got just da ting to explain this ta ya," explained the school principal. "Just ta take a da seat!"  
  
Haruka finally sat back on a chair next to Michiru in the principal's office.  
  
"Now ya two are kinda young to be lil' wahina's adoptees, ya know. Ya kinda look more like'a da students." The principal pointed out.  
  
"We're her legal guardians," said Haruka beginning to get angry again.  
  
"Oh, de big kahuna got just da ting ta make'a de explanations," said Principal Kuno, handing the two pineapples.  
  
"What are we supposed to do with this," asked Haruka.  
  
*BOOM!* *BOOM!*  
  
Principal Kuno smiled. "I be gettin da paralysis powder from mine own little wahini. Is being time students to conform to da school dress code!"  
  
-------  
  
Silver Millenium equipment had been designed to change with the times. The most striking example of this, that the Senshi had encountered, had been the Mercury Computer - which had started out looking like a calculator and currently looked like an ultra-thin laptop computer. Sailor Moon's wands and sceptres evolved through similar means.  
  
Tuxedos, for another example, were a relatively recent invention but it fit the same role as a similar garb in the Silver Millenium and was therefore shown when such a garb's use was indicated.  
  
The castles weren't nearly so adaptable- being older and established long before some of these later developments. Still, they could manage *some* tweaking.  
  
Furniture was altered as more data accumulated. Styles were brought up to date. Minor things.  
  
The interface was a little more work, but still within the capabilities of Castle Saturn. After some searching of broadcast bands and files, it had decided to take a particular persona from a movie that seemed to fit its role.  
  
"Mistress, Sir, I have prepared a light meal for you."  
  
Hotaru blinked muzzily awake, realized she'd fallen asleep, and blushed heavily.  
  
Ranma realized he was clinging to the ceiling, that nothing had happened as they were both clothed, but still... he was *so* dead if this got out.  
  
"Uhm, you're..." Hotaru asked.  
  
"A holographic representation, Mistress," said the British looking fellow in the tuxedo. "I have decided on the persona/identity of 'Alfred' until you request another identity, simply to ease communication and interface." Normally the Castle would appear as a chibi-Saturn, but with the Consort around that hadn't seemed appropriate.  
  
"Oh," said Hotaru, trying to sort through that.  
  
Ranma slowly dropped down, still lost in how doomed he was.   
  
"It will await you in the main dining room," said 'Alfred'. "Does the Consort require information on techniques?"  
  
Ranma nodded, thinking martial arts techniques.  
  
Hotaru saw Ranma nod and nodded herself.  
  
Alfred noted that the Consort required instruction on his role. Well, they were young yet. Not even a quarter century old.  
  
-------  
  
Usagi turned to say hello to Haruka and Michiru as they entered. The soda fell from her nerveless fingers.  
  
"Hey you two, I..." Rei's voice trailed off into nothing.  
  
"ACK!" Minako put quite well.  
  
Haruka looked ticked. Michiru looked... like she was about to break down and cry or go on a homicidal rampage. Or both.  
  
Haruka was nearly bald. She had less than a millimeter of hair coating her scalp. Michiru was nearly the same, but her hair was perhaps a full centimeter in length. Neither had eyebrows showing.  
  
"The principal is a youma. We should go back and destroy that school for the good of humanity," suggested Haruka.  
  
"I quite agree," said Michiru. "As soon as we can find him. I'd think you'd had enough of boobytraps and exploding coconuts to avoid just blindly charging in anymore."  
  
"Oh yes," said Haruka, wryly. "Quite enough."  
  
"Uhm," Usagi struggled for a subtle and polite way to ask, she gave up after a moment. "What happened to your hair?"  
  
"We had a meeting with the principal," said Haruka, scratching at her nearly bare scalp. "It didn't quite go as we anticipated."  
  
"Hotaru and her fiance seem to be doing fine, however I did agree with Haruka on the matter of Furinkan's scholastic record being less than exemplary." Michiru tried to recover some measure of poise and dignity.  
  
"Uhm," Usagi began, about to repeat her question.  
  
"Exploding coconuts, robot crabs, exploding tiki, electrically charged hula dolls, exploding pineapples, robot sharks, exploding palm trees, monkeys trained to give haircuts," listed Haruka.  
  
"You forgot the contact poison on the Hawaiian shirts, exploding bottles of suntan lotion, and firebombing parrots," helpfully pointed out Michiru.  
  
"Cheee!"  
  
"I already mentioned the monkeys, didn't I?" Haruka asked.  
  
"That wasn't me," said Michiru.  
  
"Cheee cheee!" *Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz!*  
  
Usagi Tsukino blinked and slowly reached up to her hair.  
  
"He's coming back around! He's coming after you!"  
  
"EEEEEK!" "AAAAAA!" "NO! BAD MONKEY!"  
  
Usagi slowly reached down and picked up one of her odango, staring at the length of hair in her hands.  
  
"MERCURY STAR!"  
  
"No! You shouldn't transform unless..."  
  
*BZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZ!*  
  
"Ohmygosh! It got Luna!"  
  
"...?! SCREW THAT! KILL THE DAMN THING!"  
  
-----  
  
Hotaru thought it was time to get back. According to Alfred it was fairly early in the morning back home, which meant that the two of them had spent the night, which meant...  
  
Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma were going to be very unhappy.  
  
Not to mention all those crazy people after Ranma would think that she and he had done *that*. So she had to get back NOW with Ranma and deal with things before they got worse, or else just stay here with Ranma.  
  
She was very very tempted by the latter course of action. It had a lot going for it.  
  
Hotaru blushed as she realized Ranma was staring at her again.  
  
------  
  
Ranma had felt Hotaru's heart when she'd healed him. Just a glimpse while he'd tried to open himself and see how she was doing it. At one point he had been completely open and she completely focussed.  
  
She cared about him. She had this giant wellspring of compassion and kindness and... nobility.  
  
Funny how different nobility was when comparing "the noble house of Kuno" with this.  
  
Ranma had been confronted with true nobility of spirit and he'd compared that with what he knew of the fiancees he'd already had. Then he'd compared it with himself and felt, perhaps for the first time in his life, small and dirty by comparison. It had been humbling, like he'd thought himself the greatest thing since cooked rice and then found out that he was in a tiny little room and there was a great big world out there.  
  
He couldn't help staring at Hotaru, who blushed in response.  
  
Hotaru Tomoe/Sailor Saturn deserved LOTS better than him. That wasn't what she wanted though. She wanted HIM.  
  
She wanted HIM but would let him go if he asked her to. If he told her no she'd pack up her bags and he'd never see her again. She wasn't going to try to force him into anything.  
  
Ranma looked away, nervously swallowing. If he didn't tell her "no" - he'd be getting involved in BIG things. The little comfortable "Ranma Saotome is the center of the universe and martial arts is everything" world he'd been in would be gone and he'd be getting in way over his head at times.  
  
If he did tell her "no" - she'd be hurt. There was a great loneliness in her, and her story had demonstrated that she didn't have a lot of friends or options. From what she had said, her legal guardians were going to set her up with some girlfriend of hers that she didn't really want in *that* way.  
  
Whatever the case, whichever way he went, just stringing her along didn't seem like a good idea. Accept her as a fiancee or reject her outright. He had to do one.  
  
-----------  
  
The cafe wasn't tiny, but it was an out of the way place. Lights shone upon the tables, but left the room mostly in semi-shadows. Customers sat at those tables, their conversations kept low not only by atmosphere, but by unspoken consent. In fact it was only the sound of light jazz music that broke the near silence.  
  
And at a table in one corner of the cafe, sat Setsuna Meiou drinking a cup of steaming tea. Not one of those mass produced store brought brands, but the actual blends that simply made her feel better. She just sat there and sighed in contentment for a very good reason. Here she was not the Princess of Pluto, Sailor Pluto or the Guardian of the Gates, but simply Setsuna Meiou.  
  
That was what attracted her to the eatery since the place was quiet and had a non-intrusive staff. Not that anything illegal was going on in there, but they knew enough to leave people alone. So she was simply allowed to sit, drink her tea and think.  
  
What she was thinking about happened to be one Ranma Saotome. Brash, arrogant and prideful, he was also honest, honorable and would never willingly hurt Hotaru. Yet, his own center of chaos had spread and things were happening that he had never thought about.  
  
Which suited Setsuna just fine at the moment. She bit back a giggle at the thought of what would happen. She glanced at her watch and amended that. What *had* happened. Haruka and Michiru would have met the so called 'principal' by now. And Setsuna was already thing about a way to use this to her advantage. Those two not only had to loosen up, among lots of other things.  
  
Still, Setsuna herself was in a quandry of sorts. She had a choice to make. 'No Ranma' meant a Crystal Tokyo and it would be a city of people about as exciting as potato salad. But if she got Hotaru and Ranma together, then something of this could make things more... interesting. Instead of the staid little city where going to a concert one day meant that she'd have a place that would have growth of music and and art and literature... among other things.  
  
But now, they had to deal with a demon and one who wanted Ranma. That meant that they'd have to be extra careful these days. Plus she had to thank her deities for keeping her safe for now, along with assistance of those beings.  
  
Besides, it would be fun to see the look on the pair's faces...  
  
------  
  
Principal Kuno stopped writing out his newest order for Acme Novelty Company, and slowly put the pen down. He had this awful feeling of impending doom.  
  
*THUNK!*  
  
"Ch-ch-cheeeee."  
  
Looking at the smouldering monkey that had just landed in his office, Principal Kuno made an executive decision. "Need schedule quality time in Islands. Feeling plenty bad juju."  
  
------  
  
Nabiki looked in on Akane's bed.  
  
There was Akane's body, surrounded by spirit wards and good luck charms, apparently resting comfortably.  
  
"She almost looks asleep," said Kasumi, nearly sending Nabiki into orbit.  
  
Clutching her chest, Nabiki looked back at her elder sister. "Don't DO that. Not with demons and goddesses and who knows what else wandering about."  
  
Kasumi nodded, acknowledging the point.  
  
There was the sound of someone running up the stairs. "Akaneeeee!"  
  
Kasumi stood her ground. That goddess had been quite explicit. If the wards around Akane were disturbed before her soul had been reunited with her body, they might lose her forever.  
  
Soun Tendo hardly noticed knocking aside his other two daughters as he rushed in to check his precious youngest baby girl.  
  
He did, however, notice when his eldest daughter -  
  
*BONG*  
  
- brought a frypan down upon his head.  
  
"I wonder what tortures Akane is going through right now," mused Nabiki as she also contemplated how best to reinvent herself as a "good guy" and thereby get some protection.  
  
-------  
  
Akane was finding that her spirit was in spirits. She had been transferred to a larger liquor bottle, and Malfea was currently working on something nearby that Akane couldn't make out through the thick glass.  
  
On the other hand, having merged with the rum in her new home, she was feeling pretty good right at the moment.  
  
-----  
  
"BURNING MANDALA!" "JUPITER THUNDER DRAGON!" "CRESCENT SHOWER!"  
  
"YAAAAAAAHHHH!" Hawaiian floral shirt afire, a certain principal was wondering what he had done to annoy the Sailor Senshi. "Ain't you wahini supposed to be in Juuban?!"  
  
Three classrooms blew up.  
  
"Evil such as yours is worth crossing a few districts to stop," replied Sailor Mars. "For corrupting innocent monkeys and tropical fruit, you shall be punished in high heels!"  
  
"But I not wear high heels," argued the wildly dodging principal.  
  
"How did you know he was setting up traps before class today?" Sailor Moon asked Sailor Neptune in between "Deep Submerge"s.  
  
"Intuition," growled Sailor Neptune.  
  
"Coconut Catapult!"  
  
"World Shaking!" "Fire Soul!" "Crescent Beam!" "Deep Submerge!" "OAK EVOLUTION!"  
  
-------  
  
Tatewaki Kuno sat as was his routine, meditating upon his life. This was normally a time for introspection and deep thought that brought with it a greater understanding of one's self and the world around them. When faced with a problem, great masters would sit and ponder questions with no regard for any world save the realm of thought. And Kuno mainly did this, with his questions burning at his mind.  
  
Unfortunately, the world he pondered was only his own, a very scary place indeed. For him, meditating was usually one one of three things; his 'greatness', defeating 'the foul sorcerer' Ranma Saotome, or his two 'loves'. What was normal, for Kuno, was that he was deep in thought about his loves. Yet it was not just two of them that he was thinking about...  
  
"I must have images of my delicate violet-eyed valkyrie if I am to properly worship her beauty!" lamented the Kuno Heir. He had cleared an area (with Sasuke doing the work) whereupon he could place examples of the beauty that was the new love in his life. Yet, he had none to properly enshrine!  
  
"Take heart Master Kuno," soothed the diminutive ninja, "I'm sure that you will figure something out."  
  
"But of course, Sasuke. However that does not counter the fact that I have not one picture of the glory that is that violet-eyed beauty!"  
  
"You could always ask Nabiki Tendo if she could sell you some pictures..."  
  
"That's it Sasuke! I shall endeavor to seek out the mercenary Tendo and request a purchase of photographs of this new sprite of love! It was so simple that I do not understand why I did not think of it earlier!"  
  
"It must be too far below the complexities of your mind, Master Kuno."  
  
"Too true. Too true."  
  
***  
  
"Brrrr. I just got-"  
  
"This little feeling like something running over your grave, or something nasty is gonna hit the fan? Happens to me all the time," Ranma said, taking Hotaru's hand in his own and marvelling at the differences in fiancees in just that little thing.  
  
Hotaru's hand was tiny and felt warm and soft in his own. Shampoo had been fighting since she was a child as had Ukyo. Both of them had ridges of callous and strong hard lines - particularly from weapons use. Ukyo's hands also had little burns - a natural byproduct of working with hot oil and frying foods. Akane, for all that her wrists were of a similar size to Hotaru's, also had thick lines of callous and old scars on her hands - from breaking boards and bricks and whatever have you as part of her practice. Akane and Shampoo sometimes wore polish, but would never go for the slightly longer nails that Hotaru had as they weren't practical if you were going to make a fist and then drive that fist into a wall.  
  
If he had held hands with Akane - Ranma would expect to get clobbered at any moment. If Akane didn't immediately protest, the two fathers would start going for marriage or something, and THEN Akane would get angry and take it out on him. If he had tried to hold Shampoo's hand, he'd have gotten glomped, attacked by Mousse and/or Akane, and that would have been it. Holding hands with Ukyo would have led to a slightly less desperate glomp, but then Ukyo would start babbling about how they'd be running a restaurant and stuff. He knew this because this sort of thing had happened before, and for him holding someone's hands had not been a romantic gesture - it had been just one of those odd things. Ukyo, for example, had accidently blinded herself with flour at one point and he'd led her back to a sink. Shampoo had done something similar with hot spice two days previously.  
  
In Hotaru's case, holding hands so she could teleport them back to Nerima had been innocent as well, but the smile she turned on him...  
  
Akane could smile like that. When she was in a good mood and feeling that she was in a superior position and therefore not threatened. She didn't do it that often, particularly lately, but Ranma would have gone to hell and back for that smile. And here it was on someone just because he was holding her hand. Wow. Some people are just easier to please than others.  
  
As for Hotaru, she looked at Ranma and felt his hand engulfing hers. His was a strong hand and warm, and with lots of character. She could feel rough callous and old scars on the skin, but it was the feel of that hand and knowing that it was Ranma's and that he TRUSTED her made all sorts of interesting tingles up and down her spine.  
  
Ranma tried to figure out the best way of breaking it to Hotaru that he didn't think they were compatible.  
  
------  
  
Shampoo tried to come to terms with the events recently.  
  
Okay, maybe great-grandmother and Cat-goddess-person were right and she *had* screwed things up royally as far as wooing her airen.  
  
How could she act less than true to herself though? Well, apparently she had to. In order to get Ranma in this mess, she had to change tactics completely.  
  
When it had been practically rubbed in her face, Shampoo could acknowledge that just maybe her ideas of what would win Ranma over were based more on the boys of her village than a boy of Japan.  
  
Shampoo stopped the bike she was doing early morning deliveries on and looked at her reflection in the mirrored glass of an office building. From what she understood of men, they should be all over her. She was cute, she had a good figure, she dressed to emphasize that figure, and she was naturally very affectionate and enthusiastic. Perky and cute worked on the majority of TV programs she'd seen, but weren't working here.  
  
So what was it that her airen saw in Akane anyway? Maybe he was one of those guys who actually enjoyed getting hurt? Shampoo made a face after contemplating that thought. It made *way* too much sense. After all, who would he have learned affection from - his father?  
  
Her eyes widened. That theory now made *way* too much sense. Insults and violence as a means of expressing affection. Her airen was seriously messed up!  
  
Still, she'd apparently been going around with a theory that had proven incorrect before - so she ought to bounce this idea off someone else before embracing it. Shampoo made her delivery, accepted the payment, and turned her bike to a different path. There were others losing in this match, and if they were to ally at least temporarily - it would make their own hand the stronger.  
  
-------  
  
Ukyo listened to the Amazon as she explained her theory. So did a number of her early morning customers.  
  
"You know, the scary thing is," said a sarariman with a breakfast okonomiyaki, "that fits."  
  
Ukyo had been about to scoff this lame idea, but now she thought about it again. Could that be it? The reason that Akane and Ranma had continued to get closer was because to Ranma's delusional Genma-defined system - unreasoning anger + insults + violence = affection? That he and Akane had been getting closer was not despite the violence - but because of it?  
  
Another sarariman spoke up. "You know, Akane's always had that temper. Could be that she enjoys pounding Ranma and so she's subtly encouraging him. Can you imagine what kind of spiral that would lead to eventually?"  
  
Ukyo shuddered, picturing a laughing Akane having thrust a sword through Ranma's heart.  
  
Shampoo shuddered, picturing a smiling Akane having chopped off Ranma's manhood as an ingredient in some stew.  
  
"Of course, if you're right, that new girl is going to be rejected. She just doesn't seem that violent." The first sarariman put in. "He'll end up going back to Akane."  
  
Ukyo and Shampoo shuddered, met each other's gazes and nodded. Better Ranma ended up with scary powerful Sailor Senshi than in a bloody pool in the dojo!  
  
-------  
  
*Ching-ching* *screeeeeeech!*  
  
"Shampoo! You've been gone so long!"  
  
Cologne looked up. "That wasn't Shampoo." Shampoo didn't brake that often.  
  
"Shampoo! You're taller than you used to be? And flatter chested."  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
"aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!"  
  
Cologne glanced up at the dwindling Mousse. "If you land in Osaka, be sure to bring back some of that Kobe beef!"  
  
"Uhm, excuse me..."  
  
Cologne blinked at the pink haired girl who'd just punted Mousse out of the district. "You're looking for Ranma?"  
  
"Unnn," agreed the girl with a cheerful nod.  
  
"I can give you directions," said Cologne agreeably, "but first, child, can you tell me *what* you are?"  
  
"Nuku Nuku is Nuku Nuku," said the pinkhaired girl pleasantly. "Nuku is Ranma's fi-an-cee."  
  
"Of course you are," agreed Cologne, "I was just trying to find out if you were a goddess or a demon or something. I'll give you directions to Furinkan High School, that's the school Son-in-law is attending."  
  
"Waiii! Thank you, oba-sama!"  
  
Cologne smiled. At least this one was polite.  
  
--------  
  
Setsuna Meiou appeared in front of the school and checked her wristwatch. Hmmm. Students were gathering about, and on a normal day with a normal school, the school nurse would be checking into her clinic and preparing things for another day of sprains, strains, and the occasional tummy ache.  
  
"Maybe we should call the fire department," said Sayuri.  
  
"Niaow!"  
  
"Yuka-chan, I know you've had a catgirl fetish for years, but did you have to request that from Bast-san?"  
  
"Oh man, is that gaping hole up there my classroom?"  
  
"Looks like school's closed today," opined Hiroshi.  
  
*BOOOM!* *Crackle!* *FWOOM!*  
  
"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh, I be thinkin' that the Big Islands they be calling me!"  
  
"That looked like Principal Kuno," said Daisuke. "Except that little palm tree on his head was on fire."  
  
"Come back here and get dusted you yoma!"  
  
There was mass blinking from the crowd as two girls with *very* bad haircuts ran past.  
  
"That explains a lot," said Sayuri. "Can't blame them either."  
  
"Hey, Sayuri-chan, that looks like fun!" Yuka leapt to the top of a wall with her new catgirl powers. "Hey everyone! We get to help the Sailor Senshi AND beat on that macademia nut of a principal at the same time! What do you say!"  
  
"Ohhhh ho ho ho," said Hiroshi. "I *likes* this idea."  
  
"KILL THE YOMA!" "SEND HIM BACK TO HAWAII - IN AN EGGCUP!" "SHAVE *HIS* HEAD AND SEE HOW HE LIKES IT!"  
  
Setsuna held up her thermos of tea and thoughtfully shook it. She might have time to refill it.  
  
"Sailor Pluto, isn't it?" Bastet slinked up, somehow managing to slink despite wearing a fairly conservative business dress.  
  
"Ah, Bastet-san." Setsuna nodded. "Though I'm officially Setsuna Meiou, school nurse. Ranma should be arriving shortly."  
  
The Egyptian goddess shrugged. "I'm not pursuing Ranma *that* devotedly. I'm officially married, we just seperate for brief periods."  
  
"Like a mortal generation or two?" speculated Setsuna.  
  
"Exactly," agreed Bastet. "Nuku Nuku is over there, and I'll go say hello in a bit. How's the geas?"  
  
"Hasn't troubled me since you..." Setsuna made a little finger wiggling gesture.  
  
"That's good," said Bastet. "I see you've gotten a few pictures of your teammates with their new haircuts."  
  
"Perhaps it's a little petty," said Setsuna, "but they *did* kill me when we fought Galaxia."  
  
"Well, it's a good start, I think. Though you really had little to do with it." Bastet commented. "Your decision to get involved was not predicated entirely on this, was it?"  
  
"No, not at all," said Setsuna. "How much do you know about Crystal Tokyo?"  
  
"One of several potential futures, a sort of vague utopian magic kingdom, isn't it?" Bast conjured a cup of catnip tea and sipped at it as the two watched more of the school get decimated.  
  
"Haruka-poppa, Michiru-momma?!" Hotaru had just appeared and realized that her spending the night away was currently the least of their concerns.  
  
"Whoa," said Ranma, looking over the wrecked school. "Man, this looks worse than the time Taro and Happosai got into it during one of the old perv's raids on the locker rooms."  
  
-------  
  
"What to do with you," said Malfea to the spirit in the bottle, "that is the question. You have your good points, as disgusting as that is, so I'm somewhat limited. I can't simply eat you - truly dark souls instead of mainly dark souls are much more nourishing and tastier."  
  
Malfea held up an ecchi looking rod. "Beautiful, isn't it? My first thought was putting someone who was so into the whole sex-violence thing into a toy like this. Your soul forever in this prison, only able to feel anything when you were used. Still, Bastet is familiar with a few who know how to break soul prisons and free that vital spark from things like Rune Weapons. They might not do it if I were able to get close enough to poison or possess your mortal body - but you can never tell with goddesses like Bastet. Like a cat she can be quite cruel when the spirit moves her."  
  
The demon moved about her workshop. "They'll come and rescue you, you know. I'm evil, that doesn't mean stupid any more than being good does. That luscious fiance you had will brave my lair and challenge me for your soul. By then he'll have a layer of protection on him so that I can't simply snatch his soul. But given, say - in exchange for *yours*? Yes, my dear, you will be the death of Ranma Saotome - and the agent of his damnation and subjugation to my spirit. Every day that goes by with you returned will remind you of how your own temper led to this, and you will have to live with it."  
  
Malfea picked up the bottle and smiled at Akane. "I'm evil, you see. I enjoy things like that. First though, I've found *just* the receptacle for your soul until the exchange is made."  
  
-------  
  
"What's needed is a place to do classes today," suggested Sayuri.  
  
"Well, you sure can't have 'em at school," needlessly pointed out Hiroshi.  
  
A crash and tinkle of breaking glass from somewhere inside said school punctuated his remark.  
  
Setsuna sighed. "I suppose moderation was too much to hope for."  
  
Bastet smiled and clapped her hands. "Okay. Everyone who's in Ranma's class, line up here. Yes, you too Kuonji-san! Today is the perfect day for a field trip, don't you think?"  
  
Cheers met this proposal, especially as some of the school was beginning to smoulder.  
  
Nabiki shouldered her way forward. "What about the rest of the school? What about parental permission? What about... what are you doing?"  
  
"Opening a teleport gate, Miss Tendo," said Bast. "Now if you don't mind, I have to finish anchoring it."  
  
"B-b-b-but," Nabiki stammered before stopping and catching herself.  
  
Bast nodded eventually at the result. "Field trips are supposed to be educational, right? Broadening experiences for young minds?"  
  
"Where did you link to?" Setsuna raised an eyebrow at the sight. It was early morning around her, but the area beyond the space fold was obviously night.  
  
"I've heard a lot about this moon orbitting a gas giant named Garibaldi and I've been meaning to check it out," answered Bast. "Okay, everyone. You've got a half hour to get home, pick up your swimsuits and fishing gear. We're going to a beach!"  
  
The cheers meeting this revelation was several orders of magnitude more heartfelt than the previous one.  
  
Hiroko, a girl in glasses, adjusted them. "This is quite improper! I protest. We should ACK!"  
  
Setsuna tsked at the sight of some poor girl getting dogpiled by nearly the entire student population. "Okay people, go to it."  
  
------  
  
The first problem was that the first group through the Gate looked around and came to a complete and total stop.  
  
More people pushed forward, saw what had stopped the first group, and also came to an utter halt.  
  
Finally, though it was rude, the way was cleared by people just shoving their way through. Then when they saw IT, they immediately understood WHY everyone had come to a stop.  
  
Garibaldi VII is proof that whether you ascribe to a belief in divinity or laws of nature, somewhere they've got to end up in positive balance. 90% of Earth's mass, tropical temperatures, shallow seas, vast forested plains and the occasional jutting mountain range. All taken in combination would have given pause to people far more worldly than a bunch of students from a Japanese High School.  
  
Garibaldi itself was a striped gas giant that was fairly unimpressive by itself. A failed protostar with a core of more solid materials than Jupiter, including a fair amount of what was called "black dwarf" material - ejecta from nearby supernovae. Garibaldi orbitted a fairly unremarkable yellow dwarf sun, and the other planets were likewise unremarkable - with two asteroid belts that were fairly stable as such things go. That sun was a member of what was referred to as a globular cluster - where the density of stars were greater than out in the unfashionable mid-arm areas like Earth.  
  
There were even tattered bits of nebula, themselves unremarkable in the universe.  
  
Add them all together, however, and this is what greeted the skeptics and the scoffers, the "know it all" high schoolers and their teachers, the Sailor Senshi (who'd decided to stick around), and their guests.  
  
"Dear god..." Nabiki managed, trying to get her fingers to work the camera.  
  
Bastet patted her head in passing. "That's goddess, dear."  
  
It was night, but there was light. The thickly packed starscape with colorful streamers of multicolored gas. Then, of course, there was a thin sliver of Garibaldi itself that was fairly well lit, with the rest of the massive and nearby planet dimly visible through the atmosphere. The light level was easily twice that of a full moon on Earth, and the snowcapped mountains running to thick green forests were clearly visible. The sound of the nearby surf was the only sound heard for long minutes.  
  
"Okay, did everyone bring their fishing gear?" Bastet said, clapping her hands. "Class? Hello? Anyone? Yo!"  
  
"Give them time," advised Setsuna. "They've just been confronted with the idea that Japan is not the center of the universe."  
  
Bastet shrugged, never having had that belief.  
  
"Truly, this is a vista worthy of the noble scion of the House of Kuno. I hereby claim this land in the name of the Kuno family!"  
  
This statement proved to be sufficiently ludicrous to shake many of the students out of their daze.   
  
"Uhm, Kuno baby," said Nabiki, tapping her classmate on the shoulder. "Exactly *how* do you plan on getting from Japan to here on a regular basis? Not to mention little things like authority to claim this land?"  
  
"Bother me not with such trifling concerns," said Tatewaki Kuno. "As a member of Japan's nobility, it is well within my authority to cede such."  
  
"Except you don't own it, child," said Bastet from where she was setting up a portable grill. "There is a prior claim as someone stepped forth before any of you."  
  
"Who dares to challenge the authority of the Blue Thunder?" Kuno thundered, raising his bokken.  
  
"Bastet, estranged wife of Sekhmet, goddess of cats and marriage and sensual pleasure. Among other things." Bastet wasn't terribly concerned about the blustering swordsman. She'd seen far too many of them over the centuries. They usually came to a bad end.  
  
"Pfeh! A goddess! You think too much of yourself woman. My pigtailed goddess is far greater than you, and not nearly so... pedestrian." Kuno sneered at the woman. "You may count yourself a powerful sorceress to transport us here, but my blade is proof against any sorcery!"  
  
Bastet sighed and dusted her knees off as she stood. "That sounded like a challenge."  
  
"I do not lower myself to battle with a gaijin tramp such as yourself," began Kuno.  
  
*FWOOOM!*  
  
Bastet now taking the form of an 18' foot tall tigerwoman limned with green fire, Tatewaki Kuno noticed that the crowd around him had melted away and most were running to place still further distance between themselves and his noble personage.  
  
"So proud of your sword, child? Well, hear now my curse. Your sword shall wither and shrink. No more will its voice be added to your madness. Never will you know pleasures of joining, nor will you ever be able to pleasure a maiden. No matter what you try, from now on your sword shall be shriveled and dry! I, Bastet of Heliopolis, do pronounce upon you this curse until such time as you make amends to all those you have wronged!"  
  
*FWOOM!*  
  
Kuno blinked several times and checked his bokken. It still felt the same. "Foul witch! Your thpell hath not worked. As I hath stated, I am proof against enchantments!"  
  
Nabiki got up from where she'd been cowering, composed herself, and stepped up behind Kuno. "Kuno baby. She wasn't talking about that kind of sword."  
  
"Speak plainly woman, what are you... what hath happened to my voice. Ith hath gotten all..."  
  
"Falsetto," supplied Nabiki. "Would you prefer squeaky? Effeminate?"  
  
Kuno looked annoyed until one could see the idea at last take hold. He rushed off into the forest. A high pitched scream occurred shortly thereafter.  
  
"Wasn't that a bit much?" Nabiki asked of the goddess.  
  
"Not at all," responded Bastet. "You didn't see into his mind. Yech. He should be glad I didn't switch the places of his two swords. Besides, you heard the condition of the curse. All he has to do is make amends to the people he wronged, even a token gesture in each case or something like an apology, and the curse will be lifted."  
  
Broken sobbing could be heard from within the forest.  
  
"It's a field trip, it's supposed to be educational," said Bastet. "Now, does anyone want to try catching some fish? I've heard they are *quite* tasty here."  
  
The various Senshi began wondering if this Bastet was a villain. And if so, what could they do about it?  
  
Michiru came up first, intent on questioning this woman and determining if she was a threat to them or Crystal Tokyo.  
  
Bastet merely nodded as she approached. "I know why you're here."  
  
Michiru stopped, frowning, wondering how to attack someone who was reading your mind.  
  
"She can't read your mind unless you either make a contract with her or challenge her, it's one of those rules," said Setsuna softly in a helpful voice.  
  
"Even so, it's obvious," replied Bastet.  
  
Michiru had momentarily relaxed but now went to a guard position.  
  
"There you go, child. No charge. You've been kind to cats in the past," said Bastet.  
  
Michiru was ready to transform to Sailor Neptune the moment that villain's eyes flashed. All the itching along her scalp made it a little distracting as she pulled her transformation pen out, then brushed hair out of her eyes to...  
  
There were gasps from the other Senshi, also ready to transform, as they saw what had occurred.  
  
Michiru held up her mirror and stared, reaching back with one hand to confirm what it was telling her.  
  
Her hair had returned. Lustrous and shining, it hung down to her waist. "..."  
  
Bastet looked over the grill, then out to the students fishing. "Try nets. There are supposed to be something like tuna out there. You'll only catch tiny ones with fishing equipment like that."  
  
Michiru smiled at the sight she'd thought she'd spend several months recovering. She'd have to get it cut and styled again, but this was *so* much better than it had been. Still. "Uhm. Bastet-san?"  
  
"Yes, dear?" Bastet looked up at the young lady, as she tried to use mundane methods to getting the grill warmed up.  
  
"Are you opposed to Crystal Tokyo? Do you pull odd pieces of jewelry out of people's bodies? Steal souls or anything similar?" Michiru asked, hoping for a particular answer.  
  
"No, no, and no." Bastet frowned as she considered the odd question. "They don't have anything against cats in this Crystal Tokyo, do they?"  
  
"No, in fact the Royal Family keeps a few as advisors," honestly answered Michiru.  
  
"Well good then," said Bastet, as far as she was concerned that pretty much clinched it. "Sounds nice."  
  
Michiru nodded and then swept elegantly back to her place, feeling a lot better than she had since meeting Principal Kuno.  
  
Haruka glanced from Michiru to the "goddess" and back. "Uhm."  
  
A few minutes later the first few fish had been caught and violin music could be heard along the beach.  
  
---------  
  
Ukyo made okonomiyaki, of course. Shampoo, who had planned on seeing her airen in the schoolyard, had tagged along.  
  
THIS was hardly what either of them had expected out of a "field trip."  
  
It also brought home to everyone, with the notable exception of one Tatewaki Kuno, what the Middle Eastern/Asian woman in the business suit was. Exactly what she claimed to be. A goddess. Someone who had been alive when the pyramids were being built. Someone with the raw power to open a tunnel in space/time measuring lightyears across. Someone of mercurial moods who could grant a boon to Yuka at one point, and come up with a curse that had most of the boys around them crossing their legs and hoping they didn't do ANYTHING to tick off the goddess.  
  
Someone who could restore one girl's hair from a near buzz cut to waist length, apparently on a whim.  
  
When Ukyo or Shampoo had competed against each other or against other girls for Ranma, they'd been on a nearly level playing field where the rules were pretty much known. You were facing martial artists and the skill levels were staggered out like so, and the only real wildcards thrown in were Shampoo's use of items like the red string or Kodachi's use of odd poisons and powders.  
  
Shampoo had been briefly turned into a cat without cold water. She could end up *permanently* as a cat if she really annoyed this woman named Bastet.  
  
Now they were faced with yet another strange variable.  
  
"You're looking for Ranma Saotome, because your 'papa-san' made an agreement with Genma Saotome?" Ukyo said, a slight twitch developing.  
  
"Unnn," agreed the perky looking school girl. "Nuku Nuku like this already. Look at the fishie I caught!"  
  
"Shampoo notice fish, is very nice nice," agreed Shampoo.  
  
Said fish looked a lot like a tuna. That it was four times the size of the girl holding it up, having a length of about 18 feet, was noteworthy. That the girl more or less skipped lightly from the shore to the grill with it had been duly noted by both Ukyo and Shampoo.  
  
"Suppose she's another goddess or a superhero?" Ukyo asked Shampoo as the girl dumped the fish where it could be turned into okonomiyaki, also fish strips, fish steaks, fish... it was a big fish.  
  
"There is difference?" Shampoo asked. "I ask Great Grandmama how Amazon Law about sames."  
  
Ukyo waited a moment then decided she might as well bite. "Well, what does Amazon Law say about goddesses?"  
  
"Amazon Law say walk very carefully and be very polite, and pray they go elsewheres very very soon."  
  
Ukyo nodded, seeing a definite logic to that philosophy.  
  
"Where ith that thwoman?! I demandth thee remove this affwiction!" Kuno ran past gesturing dramatically with his bokken and looking thoroughly upset. "How dareth thee bethmirk the royalth Kuno lineth!"  
  
"Not touching that one," said Ukyo as she worked.  
  
---------  
  
"So, uhm," Ami said to the goddess, trying to get her nerve together. "You're Bastet. I mean, THE Bastet."  
  
"Among other names," said the goddess, licking her lips at the smell of roasting fish from various points around the beach.  
  
Ami considered. "Uhm, that is, I mean..."  
  
"Don't worry child. I don't bite. Well, not that often. And then only if you ask REALLY nicely." Bastet sighed happily. The fish here weren't quite like their terrestrial cousins, but they were close. The same physics leading to similarities from one world to another. Some of the land based forms though. "Ah, that must be one of the beetles I'd heard about."  
  
Ami looked down and saw something that looked like a furry crab. "Huh?"  
  
"The most evolved form of life on this planet," said Bastet. "This particular world hasn't had the disasters to force species to adapt to them. The beetles are about at a bird's level of intelligence, adapted to a wide range of habitats, and are scavengers that eat decomposing plant materials."  
  
Ami began scanning with her computer. "What? This has characteristics of mammal and insect!"  
  
"Was there something you wanted?" Bastet asked after the girl was apparently lost in whatever she was reading on her computer.  
  
Ami blinked repeatedly, followed by slumping. "I forgot."  
  
"Oh," said Bastet, "in that case might I suggest we join that group over there with the fish fry?"  
  
--------  
  
The air shimmered and rolled back in a tube shape.  
  
Which, of course, was followed by a large crowd of students, teachers, a nurse, and an Egyptian goddess.  
  
"There they are Officer! Just like I told you," Hiroko said. "I told them not to go, but *they* wouldn't listen!"  
  
The students and faculty found themselves facing one student and one police officer.  
  
The police officer adjusted his white gloves, looked at the group and announced his decision. "You really should let the authorities know when you're going to be leaving the district you know."  
  
Bastet considered. "Ah. In that case, tomorrow we're going to visit Egypt. It'll take at least three days to repair the school."  
  
"Egypt?" This started muttering and chatter within the group, though the policeman frowned.  
  
"It is, after all, a trip of an educational nature," put in Setsuna. "The school nurse will have to go along, just in case there are any injuries."  
  
One of the teachers stepped forward. "And it is clearly in the students' best interest to continue their education despite the damage to the school caused by our dear principal's somewhat outre discipline methods."  
  
Another teacher stepped forward. "In order to properly supervise the, ahem, unique learning opportunities Miss Bastet offers, well, there has to be enough teachers present to uhm..."  
  
"Work crowd control," supplied a third teacher.  
  
"Egypt?" Nabiki said with a gleam. Visions of finding another great tomb full of riches glittered briefly before her.  
  
"Well, either that or Babylon 5, I hear that can be interesting," said Bastet speculatively.  
  
"I see," said the policeman. "I'll have to check with my superiors on this."  
  
-------  
  
Kasumi fixed her father and Mister Saotome with her most disapproving look. "Now Father, remember that absolutely nothing must disturb those wards around Akane before we can get her soul back into her body."  
  
Soun nodded.  
  
"It's very important, Father."  
  
Soun nodded again.  
  
"Those nice goddesses were very insistent on this. Akane could be lost to us forever if they're disturbed."  
  
Soun nodded solemnly.  
  
Kasumi wasn't completely satisfied but couldn't see a way around it. "Then I'll go get my shopping done while you play shogi. And if a not-nice woman named Malfea shows up, you must absolutely not attack her."  
  
"Now is that any way to refer to a major demon? I'm practically crushed."  
  
Soun, Genma, and Kasumi stared at the woman in leather hot pants and not much else.  
  
"Besides, are you two going to listen to the advice of goddesses? They just want to break the Saotome-Tendo union. Those wards are what are keeping Akane asleep." Malfea stated as if it were fact.  
  
"You heard her Saotome!" "Growf!"  
  
Kasumi watched in alarm as the two raced upstairs. "But..."  
  
Malfea faded out to reappear upstairs as the two started ripping up spirit wards. "Fish in a barrel. If I had any shame, I'd be ashamed of myself."  
  
"She's still unconscious?" Soun said after ripping up the last ward.  
  
"You two idiots," said Malfea as she walked in. "Nobody denied I was a demon. I even introduced myself as such. You didn't think I would lie? Now shut up and watch."  
  
Akane's body twisted into a demonic dog-like shape with glowing red eyes.  
  
"Not bad, if I do say so myself," admitted Malfea. "A dog to deal with a cat. A nearly unstoppable engine of destruction that knows only rage. The only way to stop her is to kill her, and without her original body - Akane can't be restored to it."  
  
"Where did you put my sister's soul?" Kasumi asked, entering behind the demoness.  
  
"Hmmm? Oh. You. The braindead two dimensional housewife." Malfea shrugged, she'd have preferred telling someone who would then anguish over it a lot. "She's currently in a pair of panties I left in the stack in that little old geezer's room. Not that it does you any good since reuniting the soul with the body will still leave little Akane here in the form of this monster."  
  
Kasumi nodded. "Oh dear."  
  
Malfea shook her head in disgust. She wanted fear and despair, hate and anguish, loathing and raging. What did she get?  
  
"Akane! Akaneeee!" Soun wept as his youngest daughter, now a slavering werebeast, thrust one arm almost to the elbow into Genma's chest.  
  
Genma fainted as this hurt quite a bit.  
  
Akane backhanded her father, who went through three walls on his way out of the house.  
  
"Go my minion, destroy the city in your rage! Slay all you find!" Malfea commanded.  
  
"I won't let you," said Kasumi, not entirely sure what she could do.  
  
"Yeah, right," said Malfea, dismissing the girl as a serious threat. "Akane. Start with her."  
  
--------  
  
"I don't understand why you'd get nervous about talking with her, she seemed very nice, well except for when she did that to the guy with the wooden sword," said Usagi.  
  
"Usagi!" Ami took a deep breath before continuing, aware of all the Senshi (except the missing Setsuna) listening in. "That was Bastet!"  
  
"Yeah, so?" Usagi blinked, clearly not understanding.  
  
"She's a *goddess*, Usagi. Bastet, or Bast. She was around when Egypt was unified almost *five* millenia ago. She's over five thousand years old. When the temples of Bubastis, her center of worship, had a cat die - the cats were then mummified. Some date as far back as 950 BC! Some sources indicate that cat-worship preceeded the unification, which would mean she was even older than that." Ami was despairing of convincing her friends exactly how over-awed she'd felt and why. "Can you imagine what she's seen - what she's lived through? Even if she's merely five thousand years old, she may have been old enough to see the Minoan trade civilization. To see the Greeks develop philosophy and the Sumerians coinage."  
  
"Okay, so she's old," said Haruka who was not impressed. At a look from Michiru she added a little more. "Still in pretty good shape for that age."  
  
Michiru *and* Ami shook their heads at that.  
  
"Think of the songs, the music, the art - lost to human history but held in her memories," said Michiru softly. "The paeans and songs of ancient Egypt. The epic poems and tales."  
  
"She would have seen the Great Library at Alexandria," said Ami with her eyes practically glowing. "The pyramids and sphinx and their construction."  
  
Artemis thoughtfully added. "She likes cats. Certainly a plus in my book."  
  
Luna frowned, not liking this. Still, she hadn't seen *anything* to indicate that the goddess was actively trying to do something against Crystal Tokyo - and Pluto hadn't been alarmed by the goddess. Still, now what?  
  
Ami's computer beeped. When she read the display she frowned. "I think something went wrong back in Nerima."  
  
--------  
  
Nabiki was whistling happily as she turned the corner and beheld a war zone. She stopped whistling. "Whoa."  
  
Her house looked as if it had been shelled, the front gate was smashed outward, three of the neighbors houses were flattened, and as she watched another house erupted in flames. This last was particularly concerning considering that most homes were made primarily of wood.  
  
There was her father, imbedded in the second story of the Yamani family home.  
  
There was Kasumi, sitting with some woman in a golden ball of light?   
  
"What's happening here?" Nabiki asked, though she was far less polite in her actual wording.  
  
"Kasumi called me," said Hestia. "Now that you understand better, do you accept?"  
  
Kasumi straightened up, checking for nonexistent wounds. When she was done, she knelt. "Yes, Hestia-sama, I will be your avatar."  
  
Nabiki winced as the world seemed filled with white light, and when it was over Kasumi stood there alone but seemed to be looking elsewhere. "Kasumi, are you okay?"  
  
Kasumi smiled and nodded. "Yes, Nabiki, We are quite well."  
  
-------  
  
Malfea gave up watching the amusing amount of mayhem spread by her creation and looked towards the pillar of white light. "Say what?"   
  
This was bad. Very bad. When a goddess, even a goddess second class like Hestia, invested an avatar - it was bad news. At least if you happened to be a demon. An avatar was a mortal channel for the goddess, a fragment of the goddess blending with the human. In essence a demigod had just been born.  
  
Of course, Hestia was the goddess (Greek) of the hearth and housekeeping, so it wasn't terribly concerning. Now if it had been Athena or Amaterasu or one of those other goody-goodies, that might have been another concern.  
  
With a divine connection like that, most of Malfea's usual tricks wouldn't work against Kasumi. Her sisters were vulnerable but that wasn't necessarily an exploitable weakness. A lot of goddesses had the policy of "kill a mortal I'm involved with and you'll only think you've been through Hell" thereafter.  
  
"Red Shadow, continue your path of destruction," said Malfea to her minion. "I have another target to deal with." A demigoddess needed killing.  
  
-------  
  
Of course, if you had a major evil running around, there were those whose job/duty/pleasure it was to hunt it down and kill it. In some cases with extreme prejudice.  
  
"WORLD SHAKING!" Sailor Uranus slammed her attack into the hulking four-armed dog-beast.  
  
"CAT SCRATCH FEVER!"   
  
Sailor Mercury sighed as a catgirl got bounced down the street. "While I can't fault her intentions or desire to help, her application seems to require work."  
  
Sailor Saturn and Sailor Pluto began their joint attack. "Chronos Typhoon!"  
  
The beast howled in anger, bracing itself against the force of the blast and straining forward against it.  
  
"OAK EVOLUTION!" "VENUS LOVE & BEAUTY SHOCK!"  
  
Ryouga Hibiki wandered into a scene straight out of a shojo manga! There, several girls in short skirts. Over there, a four armed dog demon standing nine feet tall. Houses and stores crushed beneath the beast's attacks. Clearly there was only one thing for him to do!  
  
"BURNING Mandala!" Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!"  
  
Ryouga stopped. Oh that's right. In this kind of fight you had to shout your attacks. Some kind of union rule so they knew what side you were on. Not that he read any shojo manga, Heavens no. It must have been in Shonen Jump or something. Hmmm. How about... "HIBIKI BANDANA BLITZKRIEG!" Hmmm. Not bad. Definitely had a ring to it.  
  
Sailor Jupiter looked at the studly young man and immediately thanked heaven she had a plate of cookies nearby. She really needed to check out this part of town more often!  
  
The demon dog pulled itself up, the wounds on its body slowly closing.  
  
"MOON CRYSTAL HEART ATTACK!"  
  
Seeing a giant crystal pink heart shatter itself on the monster, Ryouga decided that there were some special manuevers just too horrible to learn even if it would give him an advantage in a fight with Ranma. Oh sure, if he hit Ranma with something like that it would surprise his old rival. Afterwards though, he'd never live it down. And why was that girl presenting him a tray of cookies?!  
  
-------  
  
Ranma was still struggling with the decision he knew he had to make.  
  
No, he'd have to do the noble thing. He had seen exactly what this new girl had to offer. He had seen how happy she was just to get a smile from him. He knew that taking a relationship with this new girl, even if he just accepted her as a fiancee, was to step into a new big arena. And that others could make the girl far happier than he could.  
  
He had to turn her down for her own good.  
  
Man, this being responsible stuff really could make you feel miserable at times.  
  
"Ah, there you are, Ranma," said Cologne. "I've just been telling your mother about the newest developments here."  
  
Ranma blinked at the sight of his mother. Funny, he felt even worse now.  
  
-------  
  
Nabiki opened her mouth, ready to make any number of potentially rude comments, stopped and pinched the bridge of her nose. She tried again, stopped herself again and shook her head.   
  
Finally she decided to be amused by this. Otherwise she'd have trouble sleeping. "Okay. Let me see if I got this straight. Akane's soul was ripped out of her body, bound to a pair of panties..."  
  
"Rayon. Not like I'd ever collect something like that," said Happosai with a sniff. He was a pervert but he had standards after all.  
  
Everyone glared at Happosai, but as he was in a spirit-ward festooned cage, nobody bothered to attack him.  
  
"If I may continue," said Nabiki. "Thank you. Akane's body was turned into a rampaging monster, was hit by a number of attacks, Kasumi reunited Akane's body and soul, however about 90% of it had been burned off by that time."  
  
"Which might explain why I'm currently six years old," protested Chibi-Akane, "but doesn't explain why this sort of thing happens to me. Isn't this sort of thing only supposed to hit Ranma?"  
  
"Uhm, no," indicated Sailor Pluto. "I just checked the timeline, and rather than go through the Japanese school system a second time, you and Mister Saotome go on a ten year training journey in the martial arts."  
  
"Oh, that's okay then," said Akane, nodding. The concept visibly hit on the third nod. "WHAT?!"  
  
Soun limped up to his old friend. "Saotome. Anything like a pit of cats and..."  
  
"No, nothing like that," agreed Genma, glad to get away before any other problems he'd thought safely buried came washing up around here. Yes, and he could correct all the mistakes he'd made training Ranma. This would be perfect! He'd already heard the details of that Amazon "Breaking Point" technique - he'd start Akane off with that.  
  
Akane thought about it. Maybe they could run into that Forest Of Lost Years and she could be restored there. "What are we waiting for? Let's get started!"  
  
"Oh my, Akane *did* want more training in the martial arts." Kasumi handed her little (now VERY little) sister her backpack.   
  
"What happened to the demon though?" Nabiki asked.  
  
Kasumi smiled at her remaining sister. "Nabiki. Never underestimate the power of a Japanese housewife." *crackle- boom!*  
  
"Nice effect," admitted Nabiki.  
  
Kuno fell out of the tree he'd been hiding in.  
  
"Nice aim," added Nabiki.  
  
---------  
  
Bast sat down and crossed her legs, inspecting her manicure casually.  
  
"So you claim to be a goddess?" Captain Takame asked the foreigner. "Can I see your passport and legal documents?"  
  
Bast handed over a small booklet and an identification card.  
  
"I mean legal documentation for you to be in Japan?" Captain Takame said after glancing at the paperwork.  
  
"I can get ahold of a few Japanese deities, I have verbal permission to operate here," said Bast, still being quite pleasant.  
  
The other officers present merely frowned at the foreigner.   
  
"I'd have to see some proof that you're..." The police captain looked over the documentation.  
  
"Bast. Known also as Bastet. Sometimes Hathor and myself cross-cover, we're fairly close." Bast answered, bored with this already. "You need me to prove that I am indeed who I say I am?"  
  
"Yes, that would be a good start." The police captain had already decided that this foreigner would get deported immediately. The way she was dressed indicated that she was some sort of prostitute.  
  
Bast frowned. "Very well. Ahem. Three character witnesses?"  
  
"I'm afraid more would be needed than some bums off the street to indicate..."  
  
*WHOOOM!* A portal of blue fire formed and an ancient set of samurai armor appeared. "Who dares call Susano a 'bum off the street'!"  
  
*BOOM!* Despite being on the fourth floor, one of the windows shattered as the sunlight thickened into a woman in a formal kimono holding a mirror. "Someone who yet proves that idiocy is not confined to foreigners. Hold on. I'm contacting my descendent."  
  
Seeing the woman gesture and levitate the phone to her hand, Captain Takame considered protesting.  
  
"Ah, Emperor. This is your ancestor, Amaterasu Omikami. Hold on when I teleport you here." The light thickened and produced a figure holding a phone.  
  
Lightning crackled and a figure in white robes appeared. "Who summons Raideen?! Oh, it's you Bastet. What's up?"  
  
"This guy is being a prick," said Bastet, who was a bit of an earthy goddess it should be noted. "All three of you gave permission for me to operate in this area, and deal with the Chinese in your case Raideen. Yet the captain here requires more identification."  
  
Captain Takame rallied. "You're all under arrest!"  
  
The other police officers stared at their captain, whom they had known was an idiot but this was going pretty far even for him!  
  
"Just for your paperwork," said Bastet pleasantly to the young sergeant who'd been taking notes. "My name is Bastet, also known as Bast. My occupation is goddess of cats, sexual pleasure, marriage, and kicking the royal #$!$%@ of scorpions and various undead. Formerly of the city of Bubastis. Age: roughly 12,500 years but a lady never gives her exact age and it wasn't something I've kept track of anyway. Married but seperated, for a few decades at least. Now, I've already cursed some idiot swordsman today. Do one of you others have a suggestion or should I get... creative with the captain?"  
  
"I've an idea," said Amaterasu, looking into her mirror. "Captain Takame here has been taking bribes and using the authority of his office to curry favors from married women in his district."  
  
"You can't prove anything," said the Captain, subtly moving his hands towards the drawer he kept his gun in. It sounded like these foreigners were resisting arrest.  
  
"Who said we needed to?" Amaterasu seemed genuinely puzzled for the moment.   
  
Susano grinned, his god-marks glowing. "Well, since he's a little girly-man..."  
  
--------  
  
"According to my castle, he's registered as my Consort and my bodyguard and.... there he is! Ranma!" Hotaru perked right up on seeing her fiance approach.  
  
"Hematite?" Minako asked, licking her lips.  
  
"...but I keep telling you," protested Setsuna. "Ranma is *not* Hematite. He wasn't present in the Silver Millenium, he does not have Senshi powers, he doesn't even qualify as the typical victim-of-the-week. When you become Queen Serenity you can assign him to the post Hematite held, but they only vaguely resemble each other."  
  
"Uhm, hi," said Ranma, dreading this. For her own good, he had to tell Hotaru not to pursue this engagement.  
  
"This is Hotaru?" Nodoka smiled at the young girl. Ah, a young princess who had her heart set on Ranma! Her son had superheroes and goddesses and other girls pursuing him. So manly was he! It was too bad that Akane hadn't worked out but that was for the better all things considered. Now - just think of the grandchildren!  
  
Cologne beamed at Ranma. This was actually a nice solution as far as she was concerned. Shampoo's honor and reputation wouldn't be lessened, because if she had to lose - it was to a superhero who went out to save the world or a goddess. Having allies in either arena and parting friends with both groups would be a great honor for Shampoo, as well as extraordinarily useful for the tribe. She just loved win-win scenarios, especially when it had been spiralling down into such a mess before this.  
  
"...turning him into a girl? Isn't that awfully cliche?" Bastet said as she walked with a group of friends to the Dojo.  
  
"Maybe, but it's kind of traditional for that kind of pest," said some guy in samurai armor.  
  
"And it *did* establish that we are not common trespassers to be dealt with by his ilk," Amaterasu stressed. "Really. Even in these modern times - politeness should ever be a virtue among the Japanese."  
  
"So that's him?" Minako smiled brightly at the fellow. Even if she *didn't* end up with Ranma, maybe Hotaru getting a boyfriend would break the streak of bad luck they'd all been having in that department!  
  
"They're all foul sorcerers," muttered Tatewaki Kuno in his new squeaky voice.  
  
"Most ominous," said Miyo, checking her Tarot cards again.  
  
"Why are you behaving so well? I'd think you'd be all over those goddesses," asked Nabiki.  
  
"Nabiki, my dear, however poor your opinion of me," said Happosai, "I want you to consider one simple concept. You saw what happened to that Kuno boy? Then consider what they'd do to me if I *really* annoyed them."  
  
"You heard about that?" Nabiki was a little surprised, she'd planned on selling him the story.  
  
"I get around," mysteriously commented Happosai as he sauntered off. He was especially hoping that the sun goddess over there had forgotten about something that occurred a couple of centuries ago.  
  
Ranma cleared his throat and began to speak loudly. "Uhm, everyone. I've got an announcement to make. I've reached a decision on my new fiancee, and the truth is..."  
  
*GLOMP!*  
  
Shampoo held up a sign marked "6.5" while Cologne's read "8.0".  
  
"Glaive Girl do pretty good for first try," said Shampoo to Ukyo.   
  
Nodoka produced a hankerchief and started dabbing at tears. "My son is so manly! Enough to satisfy a princess and superheroine! I'm so proud of you!"  
  
"Huh?!" Ranma said. "No no, wait a minute..."  
  
*Sching!* Haruka somehow turned into Sailor Uranus and drew her Space Sword in a single move. "You did *what* with my little girl?!"  
  
Minako blinked and whistled. "Got a fiance and bedded him in the first day? Wow."  
  
Hotaru blushed heavily and ducked her head. "Actually, no, we just slept together."  
  
Dead silence for a moment.  
  
"Waiii!" cheered Nodoka. "And here I was fearing that you'd turned impotent like your father!"  
  
"Kinda explains why she's so focussed on her son being manly," speculated Nabiki out loud.  
  
"Let go of me, Michiru! He's going to get a Space Sword Blaster where the sun doesn't shine!"  
  
Setsuna cleared her throat and tapped Ranma on the shoulder. "You might want to start running."  
  
Shampoo and Ukyo were clearly having second thoughts.  
  
Nuku Nuku was wondering out loud if Ranma was supposed to sleep with her since she was a fiancee too.  
  
"Excuse me," said a very elegant looking girl as she walked up to the crowd. "I'm looking for a Ranma Saotome? I'm his fiancee from a marriage arranged by his father."  
  
Ranma took that as his cue. He started running. Hotaru wouldn't let go so he was carrying her.  
  
"Yes, my son! Take the initiative and elope with that girl!" Nodoka found some rice somewhere and was throwing it around to bless the couple.  
  
Sailor Uranus gave chase, practically frothing at the mouth.  
  
Sailor Neptune gave chase, hoping to calm Uranus down.  
  
The Senshi gave chase, this was so romantic!  
  
Shampoo and Ukyo gave chase, still trying to sort out their feelings on the matter.  
  
Nuku Nuku gave chase, well, because everyone else was doing it and it seemed like fun!  
  
The new fiancee gave chase, understanding only that her new fiance was already cheating on her. Or something. She wasn't clear on the details.  
  
Half of Nerima seemed to join in. Well, mainly because it seemed to be mandated by the current events.  
  
Except for Principal Kuno, who was already on his way to Hawaii. And Akane and Genma who were already off on a training journey.  
  
Holding Hotaru in his arms, seeing the huge cloud of dust kicked up by the equally huge crowd chasing after him, Ranma could only say one thing about the current situation.  
  
"Why me?"  
  
And somewhere, elsewhere, a mischievous being replied. "Why not?"  
  
===========  
  
well, that's it for Hotaru 1/2. Just an omake that grew out of a haphazard collection of addventure options explored (as stated in chapter one) by myself, Kender_Sci, Greyman, Tag, and a few others. The latter half of chapter one and all of chapter two is my fault entirely.  
  
As for what happened afterwards, and who ended up married to whom...  
to paraphrase Bilbo, "and they lived happily ever after, to the end of their days..."  
  
Not satisfied, eh? Okay.  
  
EPILOGUE:  
  
Hotaru Saotome leaned into her husband as their children went through the complex patterns of a martial arts kata on the dojo floor.  
  
The door flew open. "RANMA! I've returned to..."  
  
Ranma smiled at his former fiancee. "That's great, Akane. You're a teenager again!"  
  
Hotaru smiled and nodded her head at the girl. "It's nice to see you again, Tendo-san."  
  
Akane looked at the kids, comparing features on the six year old and the four year old to the couple watching them. "But it's only been ten years..."  
  
Ranma and Hotaru blinked, not understanding the point.  
  
Akane deflated somewhat, eyeing the ring prominently displayed on Hotaru's finger. "So, uhm, what have you been up to?"  
  
"Well," said Ranma, thinking, "I've been the Consort to Sailor Saturn, learned a few more martial arts, fought menaces from beyond, that sort of thing. Princes have shown up to kidnap girls, you know - the usual mess."  
  
"Oh, really..." Akane sighed. "By the way, the dojo isn't there any more."  
  
"One of those menaces," admitted Ranma. "Don't worry, everyone got away. Kasumi is working as a nurse for Mizuno Pediatrics and has a job as a priestess of Hestia. Nabiki stopped by for Hiroko's birthday party, says she's been keeping busy in Shinjuku."  
  
"What's she doing in Shinjuku? Did she become an accountant?" Akane was a little curious. Nabiki should be 27 now...  
  
"Oh, sort of. She's a police officer now, works in a fraud investigation department," said Hotaru brightly. "She gets to work with money and figures and also pry into other people's business. She loves her work."  
  
Akane twitched. Kasumi a nurse working with children? Nabiki a COP?! "What about father?"  
  
"He married Hinako Ninnomiya after Usagi cured her of that chi problem," confided Hotaru. "Last time we got a postcard from them you've got a little sister!"  
  
Akane twitched again, but shook it off. "What, no rivals, dragons, monsters, stupid martial arts challengers?"  
  
"Uhm. Yes, and they're quite annoying. Yes, but some of the dragons are quite nice when you get to know them. Yes, and that *is* one of the benefits of knowing superheroes. And yes, but we send most of them down the road." Ranma shrugged. "They have to beat at least two of our sister schools before one of our school is allowed to fight them. When it's explained that we often have sleeping children here most of them understand."  
  
"Do you remember that one, oh, what *was* his style?" Hotaru giggled at the memory.  
  
"Disgusting Martial Arts. There are some styles I ain't gonna learn. No way." Ranma made a warding gesture.  
  
"What was it that was so disgusting?" Akane asked, having seen some particularly nasty ones during her journey.  
  
"Akane, that was the style. A heavy bean diet was part of the school's special manuevers. Disgusting or nauseating your opponent was the main thrust of the school," said Ranma, again shuddering. "And you thought Picolette Chardin and HIS style was gross. Ick."  
  
"How did you beat him?" Akane remembered Ranma's habit of learning the other school's moves to do the counter.  
  
Ranma smirked at the memory. "We keep matches around. Hotaru likes those vanilla scented candles. When he used that green cloud attack, I flicked a lit match at him."  
  
"You nearly burned down the dojo," said Hotaru, playfully punching Ranma's bicep. "That was when the other schools got elected to handle the filter duties."  
  
"Yeah, Ranma! Once again you have made my life a living hell!"  
  
Akane startled at the familiar voice as Ryouga walked in the still open door.  
  
"Hah. You've never had it so good, eh, P-chan?"  
  
"Well that's true too." Ryouga admitted as he sat down. "Akari's in a mood again."  
  
"You married Akari? That's wonderful, Ryouga! What's so funny?" Akane saw the grins and wondered if this sort of thing might have happened if she had married Ranma.  
  
"She's having problems with Makoto, isn't she?" Hotaru asked Ryouga.  
  
Ryouga nodded.  
  
"Two wives. And you thought *I* was a pervert," chuckled Ranma.  
  
"Oh shut up! It's not my fault." Ryouga's head hung down slightly.  
  
"Two wives? How is that legal?!" Akane felt slightly alarmed by this new development. Ryouga a bigger pervert than Ranma?! What next, Happosai reformed?  
  
"When the Queen says it is legal, it is legal," said Hotaru, sounding as if she were quoting something she had heard many many times.  
  
"Next thing you know, you'll be telling me Happosai doesn't go on panty raids any more," complained Akane.  
  
"He doesn't," acknowledged Ranma.  
  
"Now I know you're kidding me." Akane looked the two of them in the eyes. "No?"  
  
"No. He discovered the Internet, developed Martial Arts NetSurfing and Martial Arts Site Hacking, and I think he starved to death cruising porn sites." Ranma shrugged. "It was a few years back."  
  
"'Terrible Tragic Story'," quoted Hotaru. "Not that he bothered us very much after the first instance."  
  
"So how's Oyaji?" Ranma asked. "We tried to find him for the wedding but even Neptune's magic mirror couldn't find him."  
  
"Well, there's a reason for that," said Akane, trying to find a politic way of saying that one of "Uncle Genma's" attempts to find a cure for the Jusenkyo Spring Of Drowned Panda curse had proven worse than the disease. "He's, uhm, kind of retired and changed his name."  
  
Ranma considered that. "Is he happier that way?"  
  
"Yeah, you could say that," said Akane. Not really wanting to say that the last she'd seen of Uncle Genma had been from the back of the Sierra Club truck taking "Ling Ling" to a new home. Spring of Drowned Girl + Spring Of Drowned Panda = a very unhappy Genma.  
  
"Uhm, you're looking well, Akane," said Ryouga finally. At Akane's glare he just shook his head and resumed contemplating his shoes.  
  
Akane considered her plans of so long ago. Returning in triumph, her age restored, the usual goings on and adventures resuming. Somehow ten years had passed. "What about Ukyo, Shampoo?"  
  
"They're around," said Ranma. "Mousse went back to his village. Shampoo finally gave up and let Cologne arrange for her to meet a nice customer of their shop. They named their first kid Ranma - can you believe that?"  
  
"How did he defeat her in combat?" Akane frowned. Nobody was ending up as she'd pictured them either.  
  
"He didn't. She got to know him, decided he was nice and pretty strong, and as she'd been permanently exiled for not marrying me, threw those rules out." Ranma shook his head. "Well, mainly. She's started a tribe of Japanese Amazons from the sounds of it. Ukyo ended up with her business and eventually found herself someone."  
  
"Kazuki Takahashi, a programmer and artist from Konami. As you well know," gently chided Hotaru.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," responded Ranma, holding his wife a little closer briefly. "Let's see. Kodachi, well, she got hit with one of Sailor Moon's attacks. She's a lot better now. So's Tatewaki. Last I heard Kodachi was in Hawaii - she took charge of the pharmaceutical company they owned there. Tatewaki was wandering the world looking to purify himself and master the sword or something. He's still crazy - it's just a lot less annoyingly so. Oh, who else from the old crowd?"  
  
"Yuka and Sayuri?" Akane didn't expect Ranma to know, they'd been her friends not Ranma's.  
  
"Yuka's working her family business," said Hotaru. "I ran into her a couple of weeks ago. She has a stall at the Ginza."  
  
"Sayuri?" Akane repeated.  
  
"She's in, uhm, Akihabara. She..." Ryouga colored up. "She's a shopkeeper over there. One of THOSE stores."  
  
"Oh," said Ranma, "it's always the ones you don't expect that turn out bad."  
  
Akane puzzled over that, not understanding. Akihabara was mainly electronics, wasn't it?  
  
"Angelica the Gypsy Queen was *after* your time, right?" Ranma asked. "Hmmm. That's all I can think of. Oh, Cologne's back in her village last I heard. Though there *were* some unusual couples among the Senshi."  
  
"Uhm, excuse me," said Akane, standing quickly. "It's late and I need to get to my next destination."  
  
"You sure you don't want to spend the night?" Ranma asked.  
  
Akane looked at where the slender girl rested in Ranma's embrace with all the comfort of long familiarity. "No. No, I think I need to be going."  
  
"Okay, Akane. Send your address when you get settled will ya? Don't make it another ten years before your next visit!" Ranma called out at the quickly retreating former fiance. "You know, Hotaru, I think something was botherin' her."  
  
Hotaru patted her husband's arm while Ryouga snorted. "Dear. You can't make everyone happy. Not everyone is going to be pleased. All you can do is the best you can do."  
  
"I'm missing something again, huh?" Ranma said before his wife kissed him. As the kiss continued he was aware of Ryouga excusing himself and the two kids making "Yuck!" noises and going off to watch TV.  
  
Though at that point, with his arms full of a warm and affectionate wife, he was aware of only one thing: that he had well and truly lucked out.  
  
  
end sequence- Hotaru 1/2 


	22. an english omake at TTT

Batt smirked. Exe scowled.  
  
-----  
  
Ranma sent a glare towards his uncute fiancee. "Stupid muggle."  
  
Akane glared back. "Freak!"  
  
"Angry cow!"  
  
"Freak! Pervert!" Akane made a sweeping gesture. "As far as I'm concerned, our engagement never happened!!"  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Fine. Have it your way. I never asked to be engaged to some PMS ridden sow with all the fine self-control of a rabid wolverine!"  
  
"DIE RANMA!" Out came a shinnai.  
  
"Petrificus Totalus!"  
  
THUD!  
  
Genma was instantly present. "RANMA! You promised you wouldn't use magic on your fiance! But then you have no honor do you?! HUH?! DO YOU?!"  
  
"Look you stupid git, when Dumbledore took me in after that crap with the damn cats, I went through seven kinds of hell to get me hands on the magic. I was sick for two damn years after that but it was *my* choice rather than be some earthbound muggle rampaging twit like yerself." Ranma glared at his father and slapped his wand into his palm. "Still, when I turned sixteen I left Hogwarts and came back to Japan, I did. Wanted to get together wi' me folks and see if we could come to terms. But NOOOOOOO. Y'had to go and pull one lame manuever out of your ass after another." Ranma didn't bother to point out that Akane had broken off the engagement. He didn't really feel it would make any difference.  
  
"RANMA! HOW DARE YOU BACKTALK TO ME!" Genma began crying. "Oh, the shame! My son and only heir has no honor!"  
  
"You want the houses to be joined, YOU marry the bitch!" Ranma glared at his father. "As for meself, *I* am heading to that nice Japanese college of thaumaturgy and complete my studies!"  
  
Soun merely stared at the wand in Ranma's hand as if it was a loaded weapon. You see, Soun had his faults but he could get a clue on occasion.  
  
"RANMA HOW DARE..." Genma got crosseyed staring at the business end of Ranma's wand pointing at his nose. "I thought I broke that thing and hid the pieces."  
  
"I have my ways old fool," growled Ranma. "GoodBYE!"  
  
Ranma left by the front gate, his luggage following on chicken legs behind him, having packed itself during the discussion.  
  
Nabiki came out of the house (having stayed out of the line of fire earlier) and tsked. "So, how long do you suppose it will be before this spell wears off Akane?"  
  
------  
  
WHAT IF ALBUS DUMBLEDORE RAISED RANMA? an omake by Gregg Sharp  
all apologies to R.K. Dowling  
  
------  
  
Ranma straightened his backpack and counted on his "Oculara Obscurum" spell to operate while he caught the bus to the train station and from the train station to Azabu Juuban. While there he felt some odd magical signatures, but he was heading to the College and not about to change course to investigate this.  
  
Of course not everyone felt the same about him.  
  
-------  
  
To get to Hogwarts required finding Platform 9 3/4, riding the train to the docks, and then crossing the waters on some boats.  
  
Tokyo had its own rituals. As one should expect of a land as steeped in ritual in Japan.  
  
To get to the Tokyo Thaumaturgy and Technical, one needed to go to Azabu Juuban and from there to a small alleyway behind a jewelry shop. When in the alley, which came to a dead end, one got into the phone booth, pressed "T" three times and when the phone booth had spun around to the other side of the wall, you got on the subway. The special line took you straight to TTT.  
  
What he didn't expect was a blue haired girl with glasses, a slightly taller girl with a ponytail, another girl with a bow in her hair, another girl with ridiculous ponytails, and a suspicious looking girl in a Shinto shrine maiden outfit to come rushing up obviously looking for something.  
  
"Hello," called out Ranma with a friendly wave. "New students?"  
  
Much blinking and the group all started peering at the short-haired girl's laptop. "Uhm... Are you sure about this Ami?"  
  
Ranma calmed himself, then sensed the magic around them. "Oh good. For a moment I thought you might be muggles." Then caught himself for responding in English.  
  
"Muggles?" One girl repeated in a British accent.  
  
"They call them 'mundanes' in America, muggles in England." Ranma held out his hand to the English speaker. "Ranma Saotome. I just graduated from Hogwarts in England."  
  
The girl with the ribbon in her hair stared a lot at Ranma, but then so was the tall one. When she shook his hand she seemed to stare at it briefly before she began to smile back. "Yeah, uhm, Hogwarts. Right."  
  
"Look, I just couldn't put up with the idiocy back in Nerima, so I'm taking control of my life." Ranma winked and grinned. "Back at Hogwarts there two very valuable lessons I learned. One is to stick up for yourself. If you let everybody and their brother dump their troubles on you, then you'll end up in the sticky end and never be able to get out. You have to be responsible you know, but not to the point where you're getting abused."  
  
This seemed to confuse the Shinto priestess and the girl with the computer for some reason.  
  
"Look, we can chat on the train later. I'd relish the chance to speak with some other magically inclined folk, especially after being saddled with that uncute muggle." Ranma turned his back, punched the "T" key three times, and let the phone booth revolve around. Now in an empty alley he continued down it and finally found an old fashioned steam train. How quaint!  
  
------  
  
"Well?!"  
  
Ami wilted slightly as everyone confronted her and demanded results. "Well..."  
  
"WELL?!"  
  
Ami swallowed. "He's magical, all right. Considerably less power than we have but a different type."  
  
"Dark Kingdom sort of thing. Damn, he was cute too," Makoto lamented. Just their lot in life. If it was a cute guy, he turned into a monster-of-the-week or was one of the enemy.  
  
"Actually... no. There was a 0% frequency match up. He's not with one of our traditional enemies or using Silver Millenium equipment." Ami's curiosity was engaged and she wanted to learn more.  
  
"No?!" Rei hadn't gotten *anything* from a fire reading, and so she was entirely unsure of how to progress. Running into magical boys seemed too good to be true.  
  
Minako grinned. An ally! Or at least a really cute boy who wouldn't freak on learning his new girlfriend was a magical girl! Heh heh heh.   
  
Makoto looked at the phone booth. That boy had moved like a martial artist. Hmmm. He was tall too. Hmmm.  
  
Ami entered the phone booth. "If we investigate further, perhaps more of this mystery will be revealed. He pressed the same key three times. This one, I...OOF!"  
  
Getting five Sailor Senshi (in civilian ID) crammed into a phone booth should have set some kind of record.  
  
--------  
  
The boy was happy to see them board the old train, which gleamed like new despite the apparent age. He even offered to share snacks (thereby immediately earning him many points with Usagi) while the train headed towards its mysterious destination.  
  
"...so oddly enough I ended up in Hufflepuff. Everyone thought I'd end up in Gryffindor or Slytherin - courage or pride being the earmarks of those two. Nope. Hufflepuff. Anyway, it was barely a week after that when we had those yuan-ti show up. Still weak from the magi potion, but how could I turn down a good fight?"  
  
Minako nodded and tried to look like she had a clue. "Yes. I see."  
  
"Every day an adventure, still I made friends," Ranma confessed. "Hagrid, a couple of the centaurs, one of the unicorns, some of my classmates. Made a few rivals and such there too. No help for it, you know what I mean?"  
  
"Certainly," said Ami, for once in the same boat as Minako.  
  
Usagi perked up a little at the mention of a unicorn. Friend of a unicorn meant... she tried not to snicker.  
  
"Anyway," continued Ranma, wondering why that one girl started snickering. "So this your first time to Tokyo Thaumaturgy and Technical? I've heard it's a pretty tough school!"  
  
"Oh, I don't know." Minako said in response. "You know what they say. Old cats learn to trick or treat."  
  
Ranma blinked and tried to make sense out of that.  
  
"That's 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks' and not even vaguely a correct response, Minako-chan," whispered Rei.  
  
"Oh, I get it," said Ranma. "You're saying that because they've been around so long, they've chosen to go for a tough image that isn't necessarily true. Got you."  
  
Much blinking.  
  
"I knew someone from Slitherin who was similar," explained Ranma. "Much less dangerous than her attitude was."  
  
(Far far away, a young girl sneezed for no apparent reason. Frowning, she whispered into the stillness: "Ranma Saotome, this must be *your* fault!")  
  
"Anything from the cart, dearie?" An old blue-haired woman pushed a cart past them. "Wasn't expecting the crowds till tomorrow. Getting an early start, are we?"  
  
"Say, you're the woman from the Hogwarts Express, Car #7!" Ranma blinked. "I remember you!"  
  
The woman scowled. "And I remember *you* young man. I do hope you'll keep your shennanigans under control this time around."  
  
Producing a sheaf of yen-notes (Ranma idly wondered if Nabiki had found out where her stash of 'Ranma-photo-money' had gone) the wizard bought a number of snacks for his newfound friends.  
  
Waiting for the foodseller to pass, Ami stared at the package proclaiming she had a "Chocolate Frog" and wondered if she dared to open it. "Uhm, 'shenanigans'?"  
  
"Oh you know, the usual sort of thing. I was a Basher for Hufflepuff briefly until that little incident with the Rain Of Cats. At which point I had to work on that phobia. A martial artist OR a wizard has to eliminate weaknesses, after all. Then there was that bit with Slitherin and how Professor Snape left those vials of Jusenkyo water out. Major problem THAT turned out to be."  
  
Ami opened the little packet and eeeped when the frog leapt out, hopped around briefly, then got sucked out the window.  
  
"That seems to happen a lot," noted Ranma. "Besides, you want the card anyway. They're collectible."  
  
Ami took out the card and read aloud from it. "There's no picture but it says: 'Madam Hooch - Instructor at Hogwarts in flying and magical transport. Changes into a hawk through her own magic. Her brusque manner is indicative of her 'take charge' and 'woman of action' nature. Once romantically linked to Professor Snape, the relationship apparently came to a bad ending about the time he became the head of Slitherin House.' Oh, there's a picture there now?!"  
  
"Well, yes, there's a time sharing protocol for her image. One of those things, I gather." Ranma shrugged. "Taught me everything I know about flying. Though I prefer not to use broomsticks. They're too Euro-centric."  
  
Minako started coughing. "Eeeewww, what *are* these?"  
  
"Every Flavor Bean, never bean fond of them myself. First one I tried was 'vomit' flavored, rather put me off it did." Ranma shrugged. "On the other hand, try one of the little Ambrosia cakes - just don't eat too many."  
  
Hesitantly, Minako took a little bite. "Mmmm?!" Light surrounded her and a wind seemed to spring up around her briefly as she closed her eyes and grinned. "oooooooooo!"  
  
The other cakes abruptly disappeared as all the Senshi lunged for those cakes.   
  
"Aaaaaaaaaa!" "MMmmmmmmm!" "Ahhhhhhhh!" "Ooooooo!"  
  
Ranma waited for the effects to pass. "Not bad, eh? Only problem is that they tend to leave you hungry. They also say not to be flying your broom for an hour afterwards."  
  
Feeling more mellow than she'd ever felt in her life, Ami tended to agree. "So you don't fly using a broomstick?"  
  
"Nah, at least not often. Carpets are too bulky and flashy, seat cushions just aren't stable enough. That little problem with Professor Snape's Jusenkyo water limits my abilities to transform myself, and you know the problems with simply levitating." Ranma sighed.  
  
"What little problem with transformation?" Rei was 90% convinced that this wasn't a youma or general. Though mainly that was the cake making her feel, well, cozy and relaxed. Sort of a full meal while dozing in front of a fireplace kind of content.  
  
"Well, you're familiar with the usual water-magnet curse and the other part that's got the cold water turns the curse on and hot water turns it off, right? I've eliminated most of the water-magnet bit over the past few, but I haven't budged the main transformation curse. Spring Of Drowned Magical Girl. Terrible tragic story of girl who drowned in that spring quite some time ago. Now with the combination of me own magic and that, it can look fairly bizarre at times." Ranma gave a "what can I do?" gesture. "Maybe at T3 I can remove the rest of it. As it is I can't change into anything else, any attempt to transform meself and it reverts to that girl. Like..."  
  
Ranma decided to demonstrate. "Raptorus polymorphus!" Which should have transformed him into a golden eagle, one of his favored forms.  
  
The civilian ID Senshi gasped as a curvy girl appeared where the boy had been a moment ago, especially as the girl had these broad feathered golden wings from her back. Her hair being a mixture of gold and red furthered the angelic appearance.  
  
"As you can imagine, the muggles take one look at this and suddenly I'm being chased everywhere by photographers and Islamic fundamentalists and all sorts of other people who get very upset very easily. Not fun at all." Ranma looked disgusted. "Dispelliar."  
  
The young ladies were still trying to figure this out as the train pulled into the station.  
  
-------  
  
"Well, it's good of you to come by. Mister Saotome. Oh yes, and you girls weren't expected. This way please." Unlike Hogwarts, TTT was relatively new and filled with modern conveniences.  
  
"At Hogwarts they used a Sorting Hat. What do you use here for accomodations and dorm setup?" Ranma was quite curious as he hadn't seen anything in the literature.  
  
"Yes, how quaint, we're far more modern here in Japan," the elderly butler type proclaimed. "We use a similar set of dormitories or Houses, but we aren't as concerned with how the Europeans do things. Hogwarts sorts by philosophical bent, does it not?"  
  
Ranma nodded. "Slitherin - pride & power, the philosophy of Self. Griffyndor - courage & honor, the philosophy of the Team. Ravenclaw - caution and attention to detail, the Seers. Hufflepuff - the weird ones."  
  
"You were in Hufflepuff." It was not a question.  
  
"Yes," agreed Ranma.  
  
"Well, we go here by a slightly different system, but then this *is* a college." Jeeves motioned them towards a hall. "The houses here are judged by one's longterm goals and they are more co-ed fraternities than anything else. You're young adults and constant monitoring is not required. Just beware the Terakoya and some of the other mischievious sprites."  
  
"No ghosts?" Ranma thought that a pity. He'd had a few conversations with the Bloody Baron about tactics and medieval warfare.  
  
"Not quite: minor kami, we've got a kappa, a few yosei, a couple of professional demon hunters, things like that." The old man's voice betrayed a faint hint of amusement. "Even possibly a magical girl reincarnated warrior from an ancient kingdom or two."  
  
The civilian ID Senshi nearly panicked at that and Rei had to be restrained from pulling her wand out and transforming on the spot.  
  
"Here we go," Jeeves said, gesturing towards a doorframe. A face was engraved on the lintel, a bored looking droopy-joweled fellow with a walrus moustache. "Just step through."  
  
Ranma, without hesitation, stepped through the doorway. The doorway's face scrunched up and considered briefly before declaring "Yojimbo!"  
  
Jeeves nodded approvingly. "Yojimbo is an old warrior's house. Courage and honor are its hallmarks. It's said if you have lost your way, Yojimbo is the way to find it."  
  
The girls looked nervously at each other, wanting to further check this out and allay any suspicions that this might be Dark Kingdom or something.  
  
Ami stepped back. "I'm just visiting. I'm going to be a doctor."  
  
Usagi stepped back, waving her hands in front of her. "I stink at tests. I'm just giving moral support to her." Usagi shoved Rei forward. "Go for it, Rei-chan!"  
  
Rei not so quietly freaked at finding Usagi shoving her into the hot seat. "Well, I'm still attending high school and just wanted to see off my good friend here." (Grab, shove.)  
  
Makoto's eyes went big. HER?! She didn't speak English and most of the conversation between Minako and Ranma had used that language. Which meant... "We were just seeing that Mina-chan got here on time. You know how late you are most of the time!" (SHOVE!)  
  
Minako practically flew through the doorway, her feet sliding along the glossy tiles. "Eeep!"  
  
The face scrunched up. "Lots of possibilities here. Lots of potential. Both good and bad. Hmmmm. Yes. Well. Yojimbo!"  
  
Minako blinked repeatedly, then pointed at Ranma while addressing Jeeves. "Me?! In a co-ed dorm with the Incredible Hunk here?!"  
  
Ranma blushed slightly.   
  
Jeeves looked thoughtfully at the two. The girl had seemed to him a ditzy party animal whom he would have expected to go into "Tappa Kegga Bru" or "I Felta Thi" (two of the more rundown and disreputable unofficial dorms). "Door, explain your decision."  
  
The doorframe sighed and rolled its eyes. "Very well. She has many bad habits and many good qualities. Through it all, however, her courage and honor have often been tested but she has overcome. First and foremost: hers is the spirit of a warrior."  
  
Minako looked at the new respect being directed to her by the guy whose butt she had been repeatedly checking out and mouthed a "thank you" towards the door. The face winked back at her.  
  
Of course, now that it had been revealed that alarms were *not* going to ring out as soon as one of them walked across that threshold, there were seconds thoughts occurring.  
  
"You might reconsider, Mizuno-san," said Jeeves as the group tried to come to a decision. "There are many paths to becoming a physician and what you learn in just one quarter at TTT could benefit you a lifetime."  
  
"...how did you know my name?" Ami was feeling *very* nervous.  
  
Rei took this as her cue. Time to cut loose and prove whatever dastardly plot was afoot, Sailor Mars could handle it! "Mars Crystal Power, MAKE UP!"  
  
Ranma wondered why that girl was standing there, pointing some gaudy pen at the ceiling, and seemed to be waiting for something.  
  
"Mars Crystal Power, Make up?" Jeeves asked politely.  
  
Rei began shaking her pen. "Mars Crystal Power. Make Up. Mars Power Make Up. Mars Eternal Power Make Up. Come on damn it!"  
  
Makoto whipped out her own pen. Unfortunately she'd been sweating nervously and the pen squirted out of her fingers and across the room. "...oh hell..."  
  
Usagi held onto her brooch. "Moon Cosmic Power. Make Up? Moon Power Make Up?"  
  
Jeeves sighed. "You really shouldn't try that sort of thing. You'll upset the guardians."  
  
Ami looked acutely embarassed. Minako considered trying her own transformation.  
  
Ranma picked up the discarded pen. "Oh a hensshin wand. How cute. I think it's just blocked by the suppressing field in the audience hall."  
  
Much blinking.  
  
"I wouldn't advise you to do it here, those things work by a set program. And therefore here they're vulnerable. Oh, you wouldn't believe some of the pranks..." Jeeves waxed nostalgic for a moment, then considered Ranma. "Actually, *you* probably would coming from Hufflepuff."  
  
Ranma shrugged and handed Makoto back her pen.  
  
"Well, then I guess..." Ami blinked. They were all standing in an alley behind the jewelry shop staring at a note that stated TTT was only for students and faculty except on holiday visitations. There was no sign of the phone booth, Ranma, Jeeves,... or Minako.  
  
--------  
  
Minako lugged her luggage into place and checked out the room. Small, cozy, with a window that overlooked some sort of playing field. A couple of dressers, a closet, and a bunk bed made up the rest of the room. Ranma, the only other person she knew around here, was in the room across the hall.  
  
"Look we're both cursed, and TTT is our best bet at a cure," had said Ranma. "Anyway, you need something, I'm just across the hall."  
  
"'I'm cursed'?!" Minako had asked with a squeak.  
  
Jeeves had complimented Ranma on seeing it and had explained that yes, Aino-san was cursed to never have to choose between love and duty - as she would have a miserable and barren love life. No matter who and no matter how - she could never find a love. This had explained a lot to Minako and given her entirely new reason to stick around.  
  
Her friends could come visit her soon enough and her parents were *delighted* at the thought of their little daughter getting a scholarship!  
  
All this and a clear shot at getting herself a cute boyfriend. Minako chose the bottom bunk and thumped down with an electric grin in place. Things were definitely on the upswing.  
  
--------  
  
Ranma set his things down. He only had to share a room with one other person? Wonderful.  
  
He had someone he could relate too - though her curse was not a transformative one.  
  
He was back on track to be the first practitioner of Anything Goes Mystic Arts. No muggle fiancee to start with the flamin' name-calling. No sneaky would-be sister-in-law to snap odd photos of him, particularly with the curse going off and doing that sort of thing.   
  
He was Ranma Saotome of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts and Ranma of Anything Goes Mystic Arts. He was *not* something to go putting on Page 9 or pink bills or whatever these Japanese did. There were times he regretted not turning Nabiki into a newt.  
  
Taking out a little packet from his bags, Ranma found the little pouch marked Nabiki. He took a single hair free from that clump and used some wax to make it a lump. Professor Snape's potion class had been fairly boring prior to that Jusenkyo incident. After that he'd taken a rather higher interest. It would take a fortnight, and the final spell had to be done on a new moon, but Thiskander's Curse Of Uncontrolled Exhibitionism sounded like decent payback. By extremely bizarre coincidences, Nabiki Tendo would find herself publicly disrobed at random times over the next six months.   
  
That Nabiki's hairbrush had been borrowed on one occasion by Akane was not known to Ranma.  
  
He was free of the stupid father as well. Hmmm. Have to send him something special for Father's Day. Maybe an Uncontrollable Flatulance curse.  
  
All in all, Ranma thought, things were looking up.  
  
==========  
  
Just wanted to try a different meeting of the Senshi and Ranma, as well as throw out some ideas on a crossover framework. 


	23. the eye of the omake

What if Ranma was raised by Steve Rogers, James Bond, Nathan Brazil, Misato Katsuragi  
  
DIRECTOR: "Okay. Everybody ready? We have a Metroanime fic going in 3- 2-"  
  
STAGEHAND: "Shampoo's gone."  
  
DIRECTOR: "Excuse me?"  
  
STAGEHAND: "She's appearing with her stunt double in an episode of 'Slayers' and couldn't make it."  
  
DIRECTOR: "Okay. Fine. Get Miss Tsukino, we'll use 'Sash' for the obligatory Chinese Amazon."  
  
STAGEHAND#2: "She's over at a Sailor Moon fanfic written by Shades."  
  
DIRECTOR: "Hmmmm. Anyone else?"  
  
STAGEHAND#1: "Well, the usual Akane Tendo is appearing in a Pokemon fanfic as a member of Team Rocket."  
  
DIRECTOR: (blinks) "She's playing Jessie?"  
  
STAGEHAND #1: (consults clipboard) "Nope. James."  
  
DIRECTOR: (shrugs) "Figures. Least we've got her stunt double. That still leaves us with who to replace Shampoo with."  
  
CUTE LITTLE GIRL: (bouncing) "Uhm, excuse me, Mister Director Sir?!"  
  
DIRECTOR: "How about Frost?"  
  
STAGEHAND #1: (consults clipboard again) "Since that's DB Sommers invention, we can't use her without permission."  
  
(Sound of swearing from offstage.)  
  
CUTE LITTLE GIRL: (still bouncing and looking somewhat feline) "Yoo hoo!"  
  
DIRECTOR: "Well, it's got to be someone who's been used by at least one other author. Any other candidates?"  
  
CUTE LITTLE GIRL: (points to a chapter of Mirrors Multiplied) "Well lookee here!"  
  
DIRECTOR: "Waitaminute. Sugar and Spice were used by Ed Becerra once. What about them?"  
  
"rrrrrrrRYAAAUUUU TIGARCLAW!" (SLASH!)  
  
DIRECTOR: "Hey, what about Tigar?" (collapses, clothes shredded)  
  
----------  
  
RANMA 1/2: Eye Of The Tigar, an omake  
  
"ooo. Tigar like that title. Cue music."  
  
---------  
  
Beginning normal Ranma 1st season opening animation:  
  
"Ya pai pai ya pai pai "(zhuuuuuuuup!) (this being the sound of a record needle being yanked off a record.)  
  
CUTE LITTLE GIRL from earlier sequence sticks her head slowly out of the corner of the screen. GIRL then leaps out to center stage with an old fashioned guitar.   
  
"She loves you nyau nyau nyau! She loves you nyau nyau nyau! She loves you nyau nyau nyau nyau nyau! With a love like that, you know you should be glaaaaaad! Mewwwwwwwww!"  
  
Four guys who look drawn by Peter Max step out from one side. "Uhm, no you can't use that song here, you know. It's a Beatles song, not a catgirl song."  
  
Tigar thinks briefly before grinning and trying again. As she plays, she bounces around like a hyperactive ultra-cute catgirl. At one point she's doing a handstand and playing the guitar with her feet.  
  
"Way out in China near Jusenkyo,  
Just beyond them there evergreens,  
stands a little village called Nichieju,  
where a girl grew up named Tigar ooo!  
Who never heeded Elders very well,  
but she could play guitar like ringing a bell!  
  
"Go go go,  
Go Tigar go go go,  
Go Tigar go go go!  
  
"Tigar Be Good!  
  
"She used to hide guitar in a gunny sack,  
And sit beneath the trees out by dirt track,  
Then while she be sitting out in that shade,  
her airen she met - what a mess that made.  
Elders she upset as usual way,  
But Tigar not care she just want to play!  
  
"She had to go,  
Go Tigar go go go,  
Go Tigar go go go!  
  
"Tigar Be Good!"  
  
Tigar catches Ranma trying to sneak away and pounces on him.  
  
-------  
  
Episode 3: Here's Tendos?!  
  
-------  
  
"He should be here any moment," exclaimed the Tendo patriarch.  
  
"Where's that music coming from?" Nabiki asked as guitar music seemed to approach the house at ludicrous speed.  
  
(Hop) (Skip) (Tumble) (Bounce)  
  
A form landed in the backyard. "Excuse please. This Tendo dojo is-nyau? "  
  
The Tendo household assembled at the doorway and stared.  
  
"She's a," began Kasumi.  
  
"catgirl in bike shorts and a loose top," continued Nabiki, raising her camera.  
  
"with a guitar," added Akane.  
  
"Oh my," said Soun.  
  
Tigar repeated her question. "You know where find Tendo Dojo-nyau?"  
  
"This *is* the Tendo Dojo," admitted Kasumi.  
  
"Oh!" The strange girl did a cartwheel. "Tigar come ahead, tell Tendo have hot water ready. You fix, yes! Ranma-airen and Genma-oyaji need when catch up-nyau!"  
  
"You know Saotome?!" Soun immediately began weeping. Soon the houses would be joined!  
  
"Yah!" Tigar nodded happily. "Ranma airen! Genma stupid oyaji! Tigar go on long adventure with! They here soon be! Nyaa!"  
  
"Oh happy day! Oh joyous time!" Soun began celebrating early.  
  
Nabiki blinked at the sight of her father, wondering again if somehow she'd been adopted into this family. "Okay, so how do you know the Saotomes, anyway?"  
  
Tigar quickly encapsulated the two previous episodes. How she had broken a bootlace and so was lagging on her patrol when this boy ran over her. Due to the laws of her tribe, she then gave chase. After finding out that her new beloved had been cursed at Jusenkyo, Tigar stopped trying to give the interloper a knuckle sandwich and instead pursued him for an engagement.  
  
"Wait one moment. You mean to say that..." Soun went from elated to livid.  
  
"Ah, was too too romantic," happily sighed Tigar. She then went on to how the three of them went to a place where curses could be broken. Unfortunately the curses broken were not the ones they'd originally intended to have cured. Tigar hadn't wanted to actually get involved herself, as she didn't have any curses but her father had. "Romantic but dangerous! Nyaow!"  
  
"Curses?" Nabiki sounded slightly skeptical.  
  
"Tigar father was mountain cat who fall into cursed spring Jusenkyo. He turn human and defeat mother. So naturally Tigar know Jusenkyo - is family history. Nyaa?" Tigar grinned at the shorthaired girl, revealing little fangs. "Tigar affected by Curse Cure Fountain, get more catlike and less humanlike as result. Tigar say 'stupid Oyaji' for anger spirits. Nyarrrr."  
  
Nabiki, confronted with further evidence that the girl in front of them was not quite human, quieted down.  
  
"Ranma get cure from stupid oyaji who make scared cats." Tigar nodded. "Stupid Oyaji no say what get cured, but Tigar think she know. His scent change - think maybe he cursed have no more kids. Nyuuu"  
  
"Put me down!"  
  
Tigar jumped up and clapped hands. "That them! Nyaa."  
  
Soun eyed the enthusiastic little obstacle. Perhaps...  
  
--------  
  
EYECATCH:  
  
Tigar with an electric guitar playing a riff.  
  
Scene expands outward to show other cast members with prominent earplugs.  
  
--------  
  
EYECATCH #2:  
  
Tigar playing an electric guitar.  
  
Scene expands to show other cast members with other instruments.  
  
--------  
  
"So hot water restores you, well, your problem isn't so bad," suggested Soun.  
  
"Tigar agree. Ranma takes own problem too serious. Need to lighten up. Mrow."  
  
Soun twitched a little. "So these are my three daughters. Kasumi, she's 19. Nabiki, she's 17. Akane, she's 16. Pick anyone you like, she'll be your new fiancee."  
  
"Say what?" Ranma inquired, wondering if he'd misheard something.  
  
"Say what-nyaa?" echoed Tigar.  
  
"Yes, this predates your claim, Tigar. You'll have to give up on Ranma and return to your village," agreed Genma. Even if she *was* a good cook. Besides, Genma wasn't sure he could put up with all that perkiness much longer.  
  
"Hmmmm. Tigar not sure she believe stupid panda man. Nyam."  
  
"Oyaji. If not for trying to help *us* out, Tigar wouldn't have gotten all catty. Remember - she *used* to look just a *little* catty." Ranma had been treated nicely by a perky devoted girl. If a little weird. Okay, a *lot* weird. Still, he had kind of gotten used to her.  
  
"Is this because Tigar younger than Ranma?" Tigar, as was her tendency, approached this problem from some different angles. Because she was twelve, four years younger than Ranma - she might be dismissed from consideration here. Though she was also considering what approach she could take that wouldn't actually break any rules but still annoy the Elders. Not that she'd admit to her real age - she told everyone she was fourteen. "Tigar old enough by standards of village but understand if airen want to wait until Ranma old enough by his law. Nyaa?"  
  
"Out of the question... what *are* you doing?!" Soun was a little concerned at how the girl was sniffing at each of his daughters.  
  
Tigar made a point of visibly examining each of the three girls. "Airen? Which one you like? Mya!"  
  
"You're not gonna do that 'Kiss Of Death' thing, are you?"  
  
Tigar pointed to Kasumi. "She smell like too too good cook (sniff sniff) also pine? She smell like nice girl. Myea?"  
  
"Oh my," Kasumi wasn't sure what else she could say. That had sounded like a compliment though the comment about her smelling was uncertain at best.  
  
Tigar pointed to Nabiki. "She smell like paper and ink and other thing Tigar not know word for. Also wear lavender scent. She have very sexy look, nyaaa?"  
  
Nabiki opened her mouth and shut it a few times as she tried to figure out what to say.  
  
Tigar now pointed at Akane. "She smell like fighter. Need bathe more often. Myau?"  
  
"HEY!" Akane didn't like this. "I was just working out!"  
  
"Well, Akane, you do get a bit whiffy after practice," pointed out Nabiki.  
  
"'Kiss Of Death'?" Soun inquired.  
  
"Would be promise to track to ends of Earth and kill, obstacle is for killing, that sort of crap," said Tigar, looking over the three. "Mew?"  
  
"HEY! I accept your challenge!" Akane made a muscle gesture.  
  
"You does?" Tigar blinked. "You sure? Nyam?"  
  
"No problem," replied the confident Akane.  
  
Tigar shrugged and put her gloves on. "Okay. Would have chosen Katsumi if was up to Tigar. Nyaa."  
  
"Oh dear!" Kasumi said.  
  
"What's with the gloves?" Nabiki wanted to know.  
  
Tigar held up a hand. "You see what happen to Tigar hands when magic alter? Nails like claw. Mew."  
  
Akane thought about this while going to the dojo. Probably use claw swipe attacks.  
  
Tigar whistled a happy tune.  
  
The two took positions.  
  
"Last chance. You want back out now. Tigar tell Ranma choose good cook. She very..." Tigar tried to find a word in her limited Japanese vocabulary. "erekant? Nya?"  
  
"Elegant," supplied Nabiki, suspicions forming that the catgirl was having a different conversation from the rest of them.  
  
"?!" Kasumi began to wonder the same thing herself.  
  
"Go!" Akane launched herself, pivoting so as to throw a kick.  
  
Tigar ducked, rolled, sprang. "Special Amazon Manuever: Wedgie From Hell!Myaa." (TWANG!)  
  
Having her panties snagged and the leg straps pulled up around her ears, Akane did the most logical thing. "EEEEEEK!"  
  
As Akane tried to free herself, Tigar moved in and wrapped herself limberly around her opponent. "You give up now, okay? Nya!"  
  
"NO WAY!" Akane broke the hold and sent a mule kick back.  
  
Tigar grabbed the leg, then began spinning around faster and faster. Akane went from one legged hopping to screeching and feeling centrifigul force. Tigar let go. "Ooo. That make Tigar little dizzy."  
  
Akane went shooting out the dojo door, slamming into the wall of her own house.  
  
Seeing the girl was dazed, Tigar leapt.  
  
"No! Don't..." Ranma's voice trailed off as he realized that was *not* the Kiss Of Death. "That's the Kiss Of Marriage."  
  
Akane woke up to feel someone's tongue in her mouth. She was being kissed? By a good kisser. Hey! Waitaminute! She was being bent backwards, being given a very passionate smooch by... another girl?!  
  
"Oh my!" Kasumi crossed herself. Seeing her little sister turn red and apparently faint while being kissed, with an odd smile on her face, it did seem to confirm something Kasumi had begun suspecting about Akane.  
  
"Now everything fine. Ranma can have too too cute Amazon bride and, what is word?" Tigar took out her little dictionary, dropping the stunned Akane. "Ah! Mistress! Nyuuu!"  
  
Akane twitched a little, her fingers slowly coming up to her mouth.  
  
"Now everyone can be happy, nya?" Tigar nodded.  
  
Akane went immediately from stunned to running. From the sound of it she went directly to her room.  
  
"Was it something Tigar said, myaa?"  
  
--------  
  
"Didn't stupid oyaji say that it Ranma who make choice, mya?"  
  
"I ain't choosin' *nobody*!"  
  
"I am *not* marrying you!" Akane being forcibly dragged from her room by her sisters ("you are *not* leaving us to deal with this, Akane") back into this situation was not happy.  
  
"No, mya?"  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
"Okay. Tigar have Ranma all to self!^_^ nyaa!"  
  
Stupid oyaji/Genma was really sorry about a lot of this. "RANMA! YOU MUST MARRY A TENDO!"  
  
"That's right, honor demands this!" Soun was quick to back Genma up. Even though Tigar's habit of calling Genma 'stupid oyaji' (due to Ranma introducing Genma as such when they'd first met) was beginning to catch on.   
  
"Is Chinese honor less important than Japanese honor? Nyu?" Tigar voicing this concern.  
  
"Yes!" Soun declared unwisely.  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
Tigar might have been a cute and cuddly catgirl nonconformist, but she was still an Amazon.   
  
Soun began hopping around on one leg after Tigar had bashed the other knee pretty hard.  
  
Genma decided to save his knees and merely looked sympathetically towards Soun. "Now *that* he had coming."  
  
Tigar paused thoughtfully. "So is important honor Ranma marry Tendo, mya?"  
  
"Yes," agreed Soun with tears running down his face.  
  
*SMMOOOOOOOCHHHHH!*  
  
Everyone stared as Nabiki's arms flailed wildly around as she was being kissed by Tigar.  
  
Kasumi especially stared when Nabiki was lowered gently to the ground. Nabiki was not available for comment as she was staring at absolutely nothing in particular. So she merely sat stunned while Nabiki was kissed by Tigar. Which was unfortunate as Kasumi then found herself sharing lipspace with the Amazon. "Mmmmmffff?!"  
  
"There, now all set. Ranma can now marry Tendo. Finish ceremony soon! nyaa!"  
  
"I don't think she gets it," observed Ranma.  
  
"What did you do, exactly?" Soun asked of the little girl.  
  
Tigar licked her lips. That Kasumi girl tasted of cherry lipstick. Yum! "Simple. Ranma married to Tigar in eyes of tribe, nya? Tigar give kiss of marriage to all three Tendo. Now Tigar married to Ranma and Tendo, therefore Ranma married to Tendo, nya!"  
  
Akane had turned her back and had been ignoring all of them when this penetrated. "WHAT?!"  
  
"Though Akane need learn be better kisser. She no fun at all. Kasumi tasty. Nabiki very nice too. Tigar like thems better." Tigar looked to Ranma. "What with you, airen? nya?"  
  
Ranma simply covered his head and hoped he would wake up soon.  
  
Genma got a thoughtful expression. The important thing was to marry Ranma to a Tendo, retire, lie around and play shogi, get drunk, fall down, not have to worry about meals because Ranma would be supporting him. What the little Amazon girl had just done indicated that she would *not* be acting as an obstacle, but actively playing mediator between Ranma and all three of Soun's daughters. Which meant that he must have somehow resolved the problem and found a solution that everyone could be happy with.  
  
Soun stopped in mid rant as Genma started whispering to him. The little Amazon girl had decided that all three of Soun's daughters were co-wives? Then let her have her fantasy! In the meantime, she'd be trying to match one or the other of the daughters with Ranma - they could let *her* play matchmaker while they decided what to do at their leisure.  
  
Tigar knew stupid oyaji and funny-cries-a-lot man were doing something strange. Hopefully she'd be able to figure it out later.  
  
"You... you... you..." Akane commenced slow burn.  
  
"Now, Tigar welcome three new members of Amazon tribe!" Tigar backflipped three times to come down in the back yard. "Since no of you good fighter, use something other than fighter ceremony, nya!"  
  
"We're now members of your tribe?" asked Nabiki, trying to ignore the odd feelings of having been kissed and hugged by an affectionate Amazon catgirl.  
  
"Yah!" Tigar dodged Akane's attack. "Nyah! Nyah! Akane too too slow. Tigar see Japanese wedding on TV. Tigar know what happen now! Nyaaaa!"  
  
Kasumi twitched.  
  
"Hold still so I can mmmmfffff!" Akane went back to being shocked as her mouth was stuffed full by an apple. "MMmmF?!"  
  
"Wedding feast, nya!"  
  
"MMMMFFFF!" Akane tried to get a Size B apple out of a Size A mouth.  
  
(STUFF!) (STUFF!) (STUFF!)  
  
Tigar dusted off her hands. Even though his mouth was full of riceball, training with Genma had equipped Ranma for such situations and he was able to overcome this difficulty. Nabiki and Kasumi, neither being stubborn, helped each other dislodge their gags.  
  
"Now for final of Japanese wedding! Tigar favorite part! Nyeah!"  
  
Ranma groaned. Akane stopped trying to dislodge the apple. Genma and Soun hid. Kasumi looked vaguely alarmed and took a bite of her peach. Nabiki looked concerned and nibbled on her rice ball. Would this be a lemon scene involving all three Tendo girls, Ranma, and Tigar?!  
  
Tigar produced her guitar. "Karaoke! Nyeah nyeah!"  
  
Three daughters Tendo facefaulted. Nabiki felt a twinge of disappointment.  
  
"One two three o'clock,  
four o'clock rock,  
five six seven o'clock,  
eight o'clock rock,  
nine ten eleven o'clock,  
twelve o'clock rock,  
we gonna rock around the clock tonight!"  
  
Akane went back to trying to dislodge the apple.  
  
Kasumi and Nabiki exchanged a glance. Nabiki raised an eyebrow and mouthed "she's actually pretty good." Kasumi nodded, surprised herself. Especially as the girl had thickly accented and poorly structured Japanese, but apparently English (or at least their songs) was another story.  
  
"We gonna rock around the clock tonight,  
got to rock rock rock to the broad daylight,  
gonna rock gonna rock around the clock tonight!"  
  
Tigar was in her favored element. She was the best tracker of the Nichieju. She wasn't as fast or as strong as some of the other fighters. On the other hand she *loved* American and British rock and roll. (And as it really annoyed the Elders, she had gotten even more enthusiastic about this little hobby.)  
  
Tigar danced and played the guitar, showing every sign of having feline flexibility and agility.  
  
Genma and Soun straightened up from their hiding places. It was a pity but they'd hoped that Ranma and at least one daughter could be found enjoying each other's company and could then be rushed to the altar. Oh well, the night was still young.  
  
Tigar finished "rock around the clock" and immediately went into a completely different song.  
  
"Love love love!  
Love love love!  
Love love love!  
myow myow myow-me-myow!"  
  
Akane stopped trying to free the apple from her mouth as it penetrated that this subhuman animal was singing. She wasn't half bad either. Not that *she* couldn't do better, of course!  
  
"All you need is love!  
All together now!  
All you need is love!  
Everybody!  
All you need is love, love,  
Love is all you need!"  
  
Flushed and happy, Tigar grabbed the apple from Akane's mouth and handed her sister-wife her favorite guitar. "Akane turn nyow! Something happy, nyaaa?"  
  
*KA-BONG!*  
  
Turning her back on the flattened catgirl and the remains of the guitar, Akane hmmmphed. "Honestly!"  
  
"Akane?" Nabiki asked of her departing sister.  
  
"WHAT?! Don't tell me you *want* to be part of this pervert's harem!"  
  
Nabiki colored slightly. "That wasn't my point. How old do you think she is?"  
  
"How should I know?!" Akane glared at her sisters for keeping her here when she *could* be gargling an entire bottle of Scope.  
  
Ranma spoke, a little concerned about what would happen when Tigar got back up. "Twelve. She says she's fourteen, but slipped once and admitted she was twelve."  
  
"Congratulations, Akane. You just beat up a twelve year old girl." Nabiki golf-clapped her younger sister.  
  
Soun was quick to act. Little girl went into a box, which was chained shut and addressed to Antarctica. Let Genma hatch his schemes when it wasn't *his* little girls being dragged into some incestuous mass lemon scene!  
  
"myew?! Hssssssssssssssss"   
  
Soun continued running for the post office. Only a few more yards.  
  
(SHRED!) (GRAB!) (STUF!)  
  
"Hello, need send package to Antarctica, nyau!"  
  
==========  
  
KASUMI'S VOICE: "Oh my. Next week on Ranma 1/2!"  
  
TIGAR'S VOICE: "Why can Tigar no go to Ranma-airen's school! Not fair! Tigar sneak in anyway. Mya!"  
  
AKANE'S VOICE: "What do you mean 'Bridal Training'?!"  
  
NABIKI'S VOICE: "Akane. Those are *not* melons, you can't squeeze them, and they are not for sale. Go fondle someone else."  
  
SOUN'S VOICE: "S-s-s-s-s-so c-c-c-c-cold!"  
  
GENMA'S VOICE: "On the other hand, two of them can cook, and this *would* prove Ranma was a 'man among men' curse or not. Hmmmmm."  
  
RANMA'S VOICE: "Uhm. No, I've still got the catfist. I'm just not scared of cats no more."  
  
SOMEONE ELSE: "FOUL SORCERER! I SHALL SMITE THEE AND THY FOUL FAMILIAR!"  
  
TIGAR'S VOICE: "You heading for major ka-powie, Blue Fart. Nya."  
  
SOMEONE ELSE AGAIN: "THAT'S BLUE THUNDER!!!"  
  
TIGAR'S VOICE: "Sound more like Blue Fart. Akane agree - Nya?"  
  
AKANE'S VOICE: "You know, that's kind of catchy."  
  
RYONAMI'S VOICE: "Nabiki?! Is there something you're not telling us?"  
  
NABIKI'S VOICE: "I AM NOT 'THAT WAY'!!! Akane's the lesbian in the family. NOT me."  
  
AKANE'S VOICE: "I'm WHAT?!?!"  
  
KASUMI'S VOICE: "You'll have to forgive my sister. She's very nice, it's just that she's a violent maniac."  
  
TIGAR'S VOICE: "You know. We have girl just like that in village. Nye-ha-ha"  
  
SHAMPOO'S VOICE: "Aaa-chooooo!" 


	24. Judge Omake

Yet Another "What If Ranma Was Raised By" omake  
by Gregg Sharp  
  
--------  
  
Soun ran for the door, a moment behind Nabiki. "Saotome! My old friend!"  
  
Nabiki got to the door first, opened it, and *froze* as if she'd seen something far scarier than a rampaging giant panda.  
  
"Sao..." Soun reached the door and his hair turned white. "Eeep. Mommy."  
  
Genma was there, all right, looking moderately frightened. He'd come by once since his son's disappearance years ago, something to do with a training exercise being interrupted by the authorities, but had not had this young man with him.  
  
"Soun Tendo?" The young man asked. "My biological father here tells me you know something about the location of a wanted criminal. May we come in?"  
  
Soun nodded and backed away, pausing only to pull his petrified daughter along behind him.  
  
Kasumi's sharp intake of breath and Akane's silent "whoa" both indicated that the significance of the boy's uniform was not lost on them.  
  
"Uhm, you can't carry firearms in Japan?" Soun tried to point out.  
  
"I'll show you the permits if you like, Tendo-san. Ladies." The young man nodded towards the girls. "Oh yes, introductions. My name is Ranma Saotome, though on-duty I go by the name of Judge Ranma. Sorry if I'm not up on the niceties of Japanese customs, I've been in Megacity One with my sempai Judge Dredd for several years since my bio-father committed several incidents of Petty Theft and a Reckless Endangerment Of A Juvenile."  
  
"Uhm, right," said Soun, well aware of the reputation of the Judges. Shoot First, Shoot Often, Arrest The Remains. "Well, uhm, did your Father mention the honor agreement between families?"  
  
Ranma's eyes were flat. "He mentioned that a perp from a few years back would be expected to show up here. A felon. Numerous cases of Petty Theft, Assault, Assault With A Deadly Weapon, Sexual Assault, Fraud, Identity Theft, Lying To A Law Officer, Attempted Murder, and numerous other incidents. You apparently studied under him?"  
  
"Yes, the dread Master, he's no longer with us," said Soun. "He's passed on."  
  
"Judge Anderson indicates he'll likely return to his two pupils. So this is where I'll wait for him." Judge Ranma indicated.  
  
"He'll return from the grave?" Nabiki eeped.  
  
"Seen that sort of thing before," indicated the Judge. "Ain't pretty. So what honor agreement were you talking about?"  
  
"Uhm, well you see..."  
  
----------  
  
Nabiki went to school first. Why? Because she had to dismantle her network and caution everyone who would listen just WHAT was coming to school today. Anyone linking her to underage pornography, blackmail, or gambling was going down with her!  
  
Akane went to school, convincing herself that just because the Judges had a reputation - they were not true martial artists and therefore she could beat Ranma. Right? Right!   
  
Kasumi decided she liked Ranma's uniform and oh my - wasn't it so much quieter and more peaceful in the neighborhood all of a sudden?  
  
Ranma walked behind Akane. He didn't like being in Japan. Too quiet.  
  
"Akane! I love you!" "Don't let anyone else beat you, Akane!" "Akane! I'll defeat you in the name of love!"  
  
*click* *click*  
  
The assembled throng stopped as suddenly someone was in front of Akane and he had two really damn big guns pointed in their direction.  
  
"Do I understand that you are trying to Assault With Deadly Force and considering Rape?" Judge Ranma asked in a sweet voice.  
  
Much shaking of heads.   
  
One of the slightly quicker morons added a qualifier. "Uhm. This is just a, uhm, morning ritual. To decide who is worthy of asking Akane out?"  
  
The guns weren't moving. "Tendo-san? Did you agree to this ritual?"  
  
Akane wasn't paying attention, otherwise she could have said "no" and had someone arrest the Horde Of Hentai and she'd never be troubled by any of them again. Instead she reacted to someone interfering in her fight. "Don't get involved in MY FIGHT!"  
  
Ranma moved fluidly out of the way of the bookbag swing, then lashed out with a backhand that knocked Akane off her feet. "My apologies gentlemen. It appears that she does agree to the terms and conditions you've set. Knock yourselves out."  
  
Akane managed a startled shriek before she was dogpiled by the Sumo Team.  
  
Judge Ranma had just started forward when someone stepped from behind a tree.  
  
"Who dares to dictate terms to the great Tatewaki Kuno? I will not hear of such things."  
  
"Judge Ranma, Megacity One. The lady agrees to your terms, so I'm not interfering."  
  
"MMMMMff!" A muffled might-have-been-a-protest occurred from within the pile of bodies.  
  
One of the hentai had an idea. "Hey, we've all defeated her, therefore we all get to date her, right?"   
  
"MMMMMff!" Again a muffled might-have-been-a-protest occurred from within the pile of bodies.  
  
"I think I do not like the implication that you may set or trifle with my decision," said Tatewaki Kuno, proving that he was indeed a moron who couldn't keep his mouth shut. "I shall have to smite you for your impertinence."  
  
"You're announcing that you intend to assault a law officer with that stick?" Judge Ranma asked calmly.  
  
"Have at thee!"  
  
*BLAM!*  
  
"Idiot," said Judge Ranma. "Bringing a stick to a gunfight."  
  
"You... you killed Kuno?!" One of the Horde looked at the smouldering fallen Kuno and back at the Judge.  
  
"Nah," Ranma assured him. "Used a drug bullet as a warning. Heard there was sexual abuse problems at this school so I loaded one gun with special bullets. He'll be okay in a few days. Won't be able to have kids or be interested in sex but otherwise okay. Chemical castration. Oh well."  
  
The assembled Horde, and even a few not amongst their number, crossed their legs and gave thanks for Akane's temper.  
  
----------  
  
"Hey, Nabiki," said a familiar voice at lunchtime.   
  
Nabiki froze again, beginning to sweat profusely.  
  
"You'll never guess what this punk said." Ranma gave the boy a shake. "He said you're in the Yakuza. Heh. Can you imagine, with the old men trying to get us engaged? A Judge and a member of the local crime syndicate?"  
  
"Nope," squeaked Nabiki.   
  
"Thought so," agreed Ranma. "Bub. You lying about a nice girl like Nabiki here. What *am* I gonna do with you?"  
  
"Let me go with a warning?" Hikaru Gosunkugi tried hopefully. "Please? I'll throw myself on the mercy of the court?"  
  
"I'm a Judge. Mercy ain't on the court's itinerary." Ranma turned to Nabiki, noting the manic grin and wild eyes. "You okay there? You look a little off."  
  
Nabiki fainted.  
  
Ranma had to let the perp go. Saving a civvie's life was before such a minor crime. 


	25. Hammering out an omake

Yet Another Different Father Omake:  
  
He had come to ground here, wandering from place to place in his manner. He had finished a set of tough battles and had been left with some tough questions.  
  
Had his time come and gone?  
  
Now that mankind had turned to other forces, other figures, was his presence no longer necessary?  
  
Or had mankind merely made a few childish mistakes and was now the stronger for it?  
  
He pondered these points as he was drawn to a child's voice pleading in the native language. Pleading not to...?!  
  
He strode forward angrily, entering the construction site as a portly man through his child into a pit of starving cats.  
  
Here was his answer. By turning away from mankind, instead of humanity learning their own lessons and proceeding at their own pace - they were floundering around in the dark.  
  
------  
  
Genma saw someone coming forward, trying to interrupt the Catfist training and moved to intercept. The other fellow had an archaic weapon in hand. A weapon-user, and not even a decent martial artist from his stance. An experienced fighter, but without the grace of a true martial artist. How pathetic. This would not even qualify as a warm-up for a practitioner of Anything Goes.  
  
Probably practiced Martial Arts Carpentry or something. Who else would be using a hammer of all things?  
  
*crackle* *BOOOM!*  
  
------  
  
Ten years later:  
  
Ranma gave a jaunty wave to Heimdahlr, a wink to "Uncle Loki", and leapt off the Rainbow Bridge.  
  
Ten years of eating the right foods, getting the right exercise, and getting instructions from your functional mother - Sif the goddess of battle skills, was bound to pack on some muscle. Especially when some of those foods were enchanted. Even as nasty as Uncle Loki had a reputation for being, he had a soft spot as far as his "nephew" was concerned.   
  
Heck, even the Fenris Wolf had been less than nasty. Scratch him behind the ears, bring by the occasional crate of milk bones, and the Wolf could be downright sociable.  
  
There were *some* he never could get along with. Hel, for one. The Norn Queen had it in for him too. Ranma wasn't sure why. Oh, he had his suspicions. It *could* have been... but why dwell upon the past?  
  
Ranma lightly landed upon the ledge of an office building and looked around. He was sixteen-and-a-half now, and he couldn't be a "coal chewer" any longer. He had to strike out on his own, have his own adventures, and check out his original family. Maybe there was something he could do before he went out to become a great epic hero!  
  
------  
  
Soun had picked up the phone, listened for a few minutes, then gotten all three daughters together to announce they were going on a little trip.  
  
Along the way he'd revealed the nature of both phone call and trip.  
  
Akane was *not* happy. An arranged marriage? To a *boy*?! Boy = pervert. Hmmmph.  
  
Nabiki was intrigued. Unlike Akane, a cute boy did indeed have some appeal to her.  
  
Kasumi was mildly disappointed. A younger boy. They were so boring!  
  
Soun was concerned, more so as they got closer to Juuban. It looked like a storm brewing!  
  
------  
  
On arriving, the reactions were a little different.  
  
Ranma was *not* a little boy. The aforementioned diet, exercise, and training had redefined Ranma.  
  
Standing 6'8", the sixteen year old with the piercing blue eyes resembled his patron for the past ten years in overall musculature. He looked like he could rip the doors off of a bank vault (he could), crush bowling balls in his hands (that too), and play front four for an American Football League team.   
  
Akane took one look and any comments about stupid boys and perverts went right out the window. Not only was she a guest in someone else's home, the easy smile on the boy's face didn't seem lecherous.  
  
Of course, part of this was that if you hang around people like Freya, much less party like a bunch of Norse divinities, you learned not to start anything you weren't going to finish. Ogling strange women often had strange results.  
  
Nabiki took one look and did a credible imitation of "Sylvester upon seeing the Tweety Bird" - acres and acres (figuratively) of lean tall muscular hunk? Wearing clothes that looked tough and serviceable and of very good quality? They weren't cheap clothes either, which didn't match the rest of the house (either in style or wealth level) but looked good on him. Hmmm. The whole arranged marriage thing didn't work well for her, but it *would* give her some tentative security and plans for the future. Besides, she could do a *lot* worse.  
  
Kasumi was still trying to get her mouth working. She'd expected younger = shorter = immature = nothing interesting. This Ranma had a presence and his voice was *very* deep and commanding.  
  
Nodoka just smiled. She not only had been reunited with her son, but he was proving to be very manly so far. Why, just the way he had reacted to Genma's announcement - picking his father up by the collar and giving Genma the best workout he'd had in ages - how wonderful! Of course Genma was still resting at the bottom of that deep Genma-shaped shaft after Ranma had gotten a little enthusiastic - but boys will be boys after all.  
  
"So, uhm," began Soun a little edgy after it had been explained why Genma was not currently available. "Which of my three daughters will it be? Kasumi is 19, Nabiki is 17..."   
  
Ranma had held up a hand. "Look, if family honor's involved, I'll go along with an engagement for now. Only for now. I've got other tangles to deal with. Besides, telling me their names and ages doesn't tell me nothing."  
  
Soun hesitated, but he *could* see the point and his daughters hadn't been too keen on the idea. Besides, Soun thought if he tried a Demon Head, this boy would laugh at him. (He was right.) "Okay. This is Kasumi, she's nineteen. She took over the household after her mother's death and is an excellent cook and housekeeper."  
  
Kasumi winced ever so slightly. Her father made it sound as if she didn't have any hobbies or interests.  
  
Soun continued with the next daughter. "This is Nabiki, who is seventeen. She's... well... and then we come to Akane."  
  
Nabiki didn't simply frown, she FROWNED. What, her own father couldn't think of anything nice to say about her?!  
  
"Akane is the heir of the Tendo School of Anything Goes," announced Soun. "OK, it's decided. Ranma will marry Akane!"  
  
*crackle* *BOOM!* Lightning struck something that had been coming out of that deep shaft in the backyard and the rain began coming down in sheets.  
  
"No," said Ranma calmly. Everyone else was trying to get their hair to settle back down after the near-strike.  
  
"Huh? What?" Akane yelled while holding her ringing ears. "Did you say something perverted?"  
  
Nabiki, having wrapped herself around Ranma and clinging for dear life, had the grace to look embarassed. Not that she was immediately letting go, as she seemed to be slightly discomfited. As in her life passing before her eyes and not that happy with the results.  
  
Kasumi tsked at where her father had hidden under the table, climbed out of where she had hidden in Ranma's shirt (somehow avoiding the parts Nabiki was still clinging to) and managed to look somewhat dignified by the time she reached her original spot at the table.   
  
Ignoring the "roast pork" smell in the air, Ranma made a counter-suggestion. None of the three looked particularly like a devil-hunter or someone who could handle legions of undead or anything. "How about you consider something else. I'm going to go off and find some adventures. If one of your daughters wants to come along, fine. We can get to know each other, and if something develops - we'll talk about the engagement then. What do you say?"  
  
-------  
  
"Me and my big mouth," grumbled Ranma.  
  
Kasumi adjusted her parasol as she walked, looking about her at the cute little birds and animals.  
  
Nabiki hiked along, still examining the treasure map and comparing it to the translation.  
  
Akane adjusted the straps on her backpack and tried to ignore the fact that she'd tried to wear sandals and a gi on this outing. Neither article of clothing was in particularly good shape at present.  
  
Ranma swung across an alligator filled chasm, sure that the girls would turn back *now*.  
  
Kasumi swung across delicately, tucked an errant strand of hair behind one ear, and bravely marched on.  
  
Nabiki crossed a little less confidently, but then pulled out a field guide and identified the partridge berries as being snackable while they waited.  
  
Akane swung across confidently. The vine snapped. Akane shrieked and vanished. Amidst snapping noises she climbed back out a moment later. "Nothing to it!"  
  
Ranma shook his head. Actually, he was finding himself impressed despite himself with the three. Kasumi took everything in stride, Nabiki found a way to use darn near everything they came across, and Akane had this "never say die" stubborn streak going for her.  
  
Nabiki checked the map again with her compass. "Okay, it looks like if your map is accurate, there should be an opening in that mountain that leads to the Citadel Of The Ancient One."  
  
Akane's jaw firmed and she started marching forward. "Finallyyyyyyyyyyy?!"  
  
Looking down at the hole Akane had found, Nabiki consulted the map again. "Hey. According to this, there's something called the Cyttorak Gem buried around here. You see anything, Akane?"  
  
-------  
  
Ranma walked along, shaking his head.  
  
Kasumi walked along, looking concerned.  
  
Nabiki walked along, looking at the big gemstone Akane had handed her. Not that she was willing to actually touch the thing after seeing what had happened to Akane.  
  
Akane grumbled about none of her clothes fitting anymore.  
  
"Well," offered Kasumi, "at least there should be a cure at the Ancient One's library."  
  
Akane hoped so. Being a 7'9" Juggernaut with muscles even bigger than Ranma's was not fun. Not fun at all.  
  
========= 


	26. Miyazaki omake

"OK, people! Places! We've got a Ranma omake ready to go," the director called out.   
  
"Akane's not available," said Shampoo, not looking up from her "Iron Eagle" magazine. "She's off at a casting call for 'Enterprise' as a Klingon warrior."  
  
The director stopped. "You're kidding. She's missing 'What If Ranma 1/2 was written by Miyazaki'?! i thought she *wanted* to be the dashing damsel/heroine."  
  
The various actors stopped.   
  
"You're kidding. You're going ahead and doing it?" Ranma looked over at Shampoo and the two began to grin maniacally. "You *do* know how many people are going to complain about the OOC levels?"  
  
"Screw 'em," replied the director. "It's just an omake. Besides we're aiming for completely outside the typical Ranmaverse, so some of it is necessary. Scriptwriter! We need to replace Akane. Who's available?"  
  
"Uhm, well," the writer (who looked an awful lot like the director except for the hat) stammered as he flipped through pages of applications, "we can have Akane having died a horrible death prior to the story. Say she went stomping off in one of her high rages, forgetting for the moment in typical fashion that she's at an altitude of 5,000 feet over a shark infested ocean."  
  
The director leaned back in his chair. "i like it. i don't think it's been done before. Who will we get to play the Ingenue/young warrior type/youngest Tendo?"  
  
The writer held a photo up. "She's available."  
  
The Director was visibly tempted. "No. Much as i like Hotaru Tomoe, and think that almost any of the Sailors would make a good match with Ranma, let's not go with a Sailor Moon crossover this time around."  
  
"What about this one?"  
  
"Not enough people familiar with 'Love Hina' to realize who Shinobu is, mind you - she's the sanest girl in the series and the most likable, but not at this time."  
  
"This one?"  
  
"?!" The Director stared. "She'd be perfect, except we're trying to avoid OMG xovers here. Particularly after reviews of that last SI experiment were sufficiently hostile (including to her presence) that all copies were deleted. Sorry, Megumi."  
  
"Well, that *was* a bit of a different experiment, and like some experiments it *did* fail," admitted the writer. "Maybe we should just leave out the character entirely?"  
  
"No. Heck, this could be an entirely new series of omake. The Replacement Akane." The Director paused at muttering from the audience. "Maybe not. Okay, cue the opening animation while we go to the big pre-battle scene."  
  
"Oh man, we've missed out on the introductory scenes because of this 'behind the scenes BS'," Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Dang it, *I* wanted to be the dashing heroine this time."  
  
--------  
  
(Picture of vast sky cities floating in the clouds)  
  
Harukana sorani chikae  
Owaranai kibo-to-yu umi-wo  
  
(closeup of one such city, the once gleaming walls showing many scars)  
Haretari kagettari  
Kimochi-wa kawaruyo-ne  
  
(camera pans up, showing five dots crossing under the sun)  
Rakunakoto bakarijya naikara  
  
(the five dots zoom down as the music speed picks up)  
Demo shinjite itai  
Negai-wa hane-ni naru  
  
(the first dot is shown as Ranma "Wild Stallion" Saotome aboard the gunship Gungnir. Second is Kasumi piloting airscout Copain. Third is Nabiki piloting her airscout Grand Magasin. Fourth is Shampoo piloting Lookfar, followed by Ukyo in her sweep-wing Spatula.)  
Mada shiranai  
Asu-eno chizu-ni naru  
  
(required villain group shot. Holds for a brief moment before Kodachi and Azusa start in on a catfight and roll offscreen. Most other villains sweatdrop. Happosai merely leers.)  
Sa-a kaze-wo ukete tate  
Namida gao kawakuyoni  
Harukana sorani egake  
yume-ni mita jibun-no sugata-wo  
  
(close up of Tarou in his sweep-wing black-painted bandit- the Branchee, camera pulls out as he begins a diving attack.)  
Ima niji-wo tsukamaete  
Ryusei-wo oi-kakete  
  
(scene of big battle with large raider ship nearing city, wheeling air battles going on all around. Close up of major characters in split screens as they fight out major rivalries in the skies)  
Kumono youni katachi-nai  
Michi-mo nai tabi-ni deru  
Sa-a kaze ni mune-wo hare  
Hohoemi-de utauyoni  
Harukana sora-ni chikae  
Owaranai kibo-to-yu umi-wo. (1)  
  
--------  
  
"Wishing For An Eternal Sky" by Kazuko Hamano  
Wishing for an eternal sky  
a vast sea of endless dreams  
  
Emotions will brighten  
Emotions will cloud  
  
Nothing comes easy  
  
But I'll keep on believing  
Hope will turn into wings  
  
You still don't realize  
it'll guide you through the map of tomorrow  
  
So stand up to the wind  
as the tears dry from your cheeks  
Look into the distant sky  
And see yourself in your dreams.  
  
Catch a rainbow  
and chase a shooting star  
  
Like a shapeless cloud  
your adventure lies on an unknown path  
So stand with your face against the wind  
as you sing with a smile on your face  
wishing for an eternal sky  
a vast sea of endless dreams.  
  
------  
  
Ranma stepped up to the railing, leaning over it slightly as he looked to where his red-and-black biplane with the three chainguns and the two ship-to-ship torpedoes was being reloaded. "Tomorrow is the final battle they say."  
  
Shampoo jauntily threw one end of her scarf over a shoulder. "Will you be able to face your father this time?"  
  
Ranma clenched a fist so hard the leather gauntlet squeaked in protest. "Even if he *is* my father, no - especially if he is my father - some things cannot be forgiven if I am to call myself a man."  
  
"I could face him you know. You could lead the assault on Happosai's 'Brassierei' Air-Fortress. They could use you there." Shampoo didn't really expect Ranma to agree. "It isn't good to enter a battle with your heart divided."  
  
"It isn't. He got in some lucky shots the last time." Ranma scowled. "This time there will be no mercy given."  
  
"Good. Since her ship was shot down into the Toxic Cloud, Kasumi is stuck in the infirmary, and Nabiki's own ship was too shot up for her to get in this battle," observed Shampoo.   
  
"She'll be my tailgunner in this fight," said Ranma, indicating the second seat and the rear mounted swiveling chaingun.  
  
"As long as she's not stingy with the ammunition, that's what got her into trouble in the first place." Shampoo looked over at her own craft, the Lookfar with its special observation scopes. "Maybe Kasumi can ride with me. Normally it's a one seater with the pilot just moving over to the observer platform, but she's light. She could fit there."  
  
"Are *you* going to be OK? Mousse will be in this battle too!"  
  
"Hey, no problem." Shampoo gave a thumb's up. "When we were young he was a friend. A mainly blind annoying friend, but a friend. That friendship died a little every time he mistook me for a cow or pig. Siding with a master criminal like Happosai in order to get a chance to shoot you down? He's made his bed. Now he's going to get shot in it. What about you? He may be Happosai's right hand man, the Panda Bandit, but he's still your father."  
  
"Like I said, he can't be forgiven." Ranma shrugged. "Course, Ukyo might get to him first." (Brief flashback to when a large aircraft steals an okonomiyaki yattai by means of a grapnel chain.)  
  
Sirens began to blare, causing the mechanic's bay to accelerate into a whirl of activity.  
  
"Looks like Happosai decided to send an advance group after all," observed Ranma.   
  
-------  
  
The red/black biplane moved slowly among the clouds. Almost lazy. Though the most manueverable of the city's defenders, it was the ability to hover for brief periods that made Gungnir's two forward-mount machine guns as deadly as they were. "Gungnir standing by," said Ranma into his radio. "No sign of bogies." Nabiki shifted her weight slightly, their backs pressing against each other as sky continued to darken.  
  
Far above, Lookfar circled. "Shampoo here. Neither I nor Kasumi have bogies on scopes."  
  
"Spatula Bomber here. Where are those jackasses?!"  
  
Kasumi's voice interrupted the squadron. "Got them! They're coming out of the Undercity!"  
  
Gungnir seemed to stall briefly, then began a high speed dive.   
  
The formation lasted a few minutes before it became a series of dogfights.  
  
Gungnir spun briefly through a formation of Poulet snub-fighters (one machine gun and mainly cheap plywood construction, they were cheap and annoying) making brief bursts of fire from all three guns. This was not the main battle - it was just a warm up, and using all their ammo now would leave them out of the main fight.  
  
"Nabiki! Watch your tail, bandits on your eight!" Ukyo cursed briefly as she pulled up. These little fighters would waste all her ammo if she used it. The Spatula Bomber had a pair of machineguns, but the main armament were ship-to-ship missiles and the Fireworks bombs. Overkill on these guys. Plus there was the factor of how the ship tended to wallow when fully armed. "I could use some help here."  
  
Dramatic music began to play over their radios. "This is our cue. Our terrible destiny."  
  
"To sow the seeds of war and strife,  
and make ourselves a better life,  
to steal the lips of innocent maids,  
and their wallets so's we gets paids.  
Mikado! Azusa!  
Team Turbo striking from the rear!  
What the heck, it's a career!"  
  
The twin aircraft began raining shots down on Ukyo, causing smoke trails to erupt from her aircraft.  
  
-------  
  
"Now is the time for a true samurai to move as befits a true warrior," proclaimed Tatewaki Kuno aboard the Blue Thunder. He frowned after a moment. "Though methinks I needs must speak to Sasuke after this battle, the engine doth make a ticking noise which does not lend itself well to mine combat."  
  
Close up of a little package marked "To my dear brother. -Kodachi."  
  
-------  
  
Smoke rising from parts of her plane, Ukyo struggled with the controls, her theme music rising in the background. The "Brassierei" could be seen over her windscreen.   
  
Shampoo's voice crackled over her radio. "Ukyo! Pull up! You can get back to Nerima!"  
  
"No way, sugar. Stabilizer's fried. Controls unresponsive. Only thing I can do is arm weapons and guide this down into the control tower. Without 'Mister Happi' - this battle's done." Ukyo gritted her teeth. "Give... give Ranchan my love. I'm sorry I won't be there for him..."  
  
"Ukyo my love!"  
  
Ukyo groaned at her big dramatic scene getting derailed. "Tsu-BAKA! Not your anything!"  
  
"Let's commit 'lover's suicide' Ukyo!" Tsubasa set his airframe towards Ukyo's ship. There was a last minute flumf as Ukyo ejected before the explosion occurred.  
  
------  
  
"They got Ukyo," reported Shampoo, saddened by the loss of one rival. "At least she died a warrior's death."  
  
"I'm not dead, you jackass! I ejected! You think I'd *want* to share eternity with that idiot?!"  
  
Ranma was apparently out of range of Ukyo's suit radio. "We'll have to mourn her later. I just spotted the Panda Pirate!"  
  
Ukyo realized her tiny suit radio didn't have much range. "Aaaaaaarrgh! Shampoo! Tell him!"  
  
Shampoo glanced at where Ukyo was drifting though she was interrupted as white ovoids began exploding around her. "No time for such things. Here comes Mousse, I have to get my own battle out of way."  
  
"Oh dear," said Kasumi. "He's loaded his Ducklord with explosive eggs and a goo-bazooka."  
  
"He's trying to capture me alive to ravish me," grimly said Shampoo, exaggerating slightly. "So that Happosai can use his 'Slaver Of Gor' shiatsu technique. Let's see how he deals with a couple of bonbori missiles!"  
  
Colorful missiles shot out from the wings, one bouncing off the plating of the mechanical duck. The other exploded in a satisfying manner.  
  
"And that is *that*," declared Shampoo at the cloud of smoke.  
  
Kasumi brought up the bad news. "Those were our only two missiles and the target survived."  
  
"What?!" Shampoo stared at the slightly singed duck shape emerging from the cloud. "We've still got our main gun. Fasten your seat belt Kasumi, it's about to get bumpy!"  
  
"Oh myyyyyyyyyy!"  
  
--------  
  
Nabiki and Ranma had never operated as a team before.  
  
Ranma Saotome - the hotshot air ace. Winner of countless dogfights. The Wild Stallion of the Battle Of Jun Senkyo. A risk taker whose skill in Martial Arts Combat Piloting was enough that he could pull off his manuevers.  
  
Nabiki Tendo - the girl voted "Most Likely To Join The Black Market" in Air Ace magazine. Someone who rarely shot anything unless she was absolutely sure it would hit. Ammo costs money, you know.  
  
An unlikely team to say the least.  
  
Nabiki carefully lit the rocket, ignored the machine gun, and tossed the thing into a pack of the Zippers (small one-man one-gun fighters - cheap and fast but prone to break up if you tried fancy manuevering in them) as they passed overhead. Then added another hashmark to her chalkboard.   
  
"Why aren't you using the gun," Ranma yelled back from the pilot's seat.  
  
"Fireworks are 150 Nuyen. 25 Nuyen per shot from this chaingun, but it fires three shots in a burst or ten shots per second. It's more economical." Nabiki rooted around near her feet and pulled out a brick before judging speed and angle and releasing it. Bricks were only 10 Nuyen each.  
  
With a burst of clouds, the Scarlet Pig dropped into view.  
  
"I HAVE YOU NOW RANMA! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS!" *THWAM!* Ryouga felt the brick bounce off his head and blinked in surprise. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT TOO!" *WHANG!*  
  
Nabiki added one used kitchen sink to her list of items used in this battle.  
  
Ryouga's twin chainguns began to fire, a synchronized rain of metal.  
  
Nabiki calculated price of potential medical stay vs price of ammo. *Brrrrrrrrt!*  
  
Nabiki was *very* frugal with ammo. Ryouga's propeller came apart in the exchange of gunfire.  
  
"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT TOOOOOOoooooooo!" Ryouga swore as his plane began descending in smoke.  
  
"BILL RANMA," called down Nabiki.  
  
Ranma glared back at his tailgunner. "That wasn't really necessary, was it, Nabiki?"  
  
Nabiki shrugged before she caught sight of the terror of the skies. "It's the Panda Bandit! Twelve O'clock!"  
  
Ranma started looking around. "Where?!"  
  
---------  
  
"I have you now," said Genma, chuckling evilly in his black armor with the black facemask and breathing apparatus. "Ranma, join me! We can rule together!"  
  
Silence.   
  
Genma reached over and flipped the "On" switch for his radio. "Ranma! Join me and we can eliminate the Master and rule together!"  
  
"...and now back to the greatest hits here at KTEN 350. Next up is a hot little number from 'Mineko & The Pussycats' and it is chomping through the charts like Ranma Saotome at an All You Can Eat Bar-B-Cue Buffet. Here's 'Up Close & Personal'..."  
  
Genma started fiddling with his radio.   
  
*VVRRRRRRTTTT!*  
  
Genma looked up, realized Ranma's Gungnir was missing, then looked behind his ship. Yup. "Oh hell."  
  
*VVVRRRRRRTTTT!* *Poom!*  
  
--------  
  
Nabiki saw the Panda Bandit going down and picked up her phone. "Hello, KTEN? This is Nabiki Tendo. I'd like to request 'Pandas Must Die' by the Flying Freeps? Thank you."  
  
--------  
  
*THOOM!* *THOOM!* *THOOM!*  
  
Everyone looked towards the stage doors.  
  
*CRASH!*  
  
Akane rushed in. "Where's my costume?! You're doing the Miyazaki bit?! Where's my plane?!"  
  
"Too late, Akane, we recast your part." The director wasn't concerned, except over having to redo this scene, of course.  
  
"What?! Who else could play the part of 'Ranma's true love - seperated as children with only the promise to reunite after they both became pilots in the skies over Nerima'?! Who else could pull it off?" Akane glowered.   
  
Half the female cast pointed at themselves.   
  
"Hah! I'd like to see you try," said Akane.  
  
--------  
  
*Boom!*  
  
Mikado slumped in his cockpit. "Aaaa! Azusa. Why?"  
  
"You're trying to shoot my Ranma! I won't let you!" Azusa held one hand over her heart and gestured dramatically with the gun holding one. "It was all to serve his cause that I pretended to be one of the bad guys, all so that I could come to assistance in this final battle between the Dark Emperor Happosai and the forces of light & goodness."  
  
"...but you're a ditzy little kleptomaniac."  
  
"An act," said Azusa. "It gave me the excuse to keep odd items around that were actually used for this coup! Soon I and Ranma will be together, Micki! As it always should have been!"  
  
"Uhm, betrayed by an airhead," gasped Mikado. "The ignoble end. No, it can't end this wayyyyyyyy!"  
  
"Oops, little Azusa hit the Eject button." Azusa sat back down in her own seat. "Time for phase two! Oh, and Micki, you were never that good a kisser."  
  
--------  
  
"Even if she's still a ditz, nobody is going to buy THAT," exclaimed Akane.  
  
"Well, how about," suggested the director.  
  
-------  
  
Her ponytail drooped as she hung her head. "Alas. Forced to choose between filial loyalty and one's true love. Truly my heart breaks anew with every beat. To have to choose between giri and duty to one's lord, or to choose love and a just cause. For one of samurai upbringing, the choice is too painful."  
  
"Sister," proclaimed Tatewaki Kuno, "merely turn thy gaze and I shall remove this onerous choice from thee!"  
  
Kodachi sniffled, then straightened, bringing a .55 caliber chaingun into view. "I don't think so, bucko!"   
  
-------  
  
Akane shook her head again. "Nope. Never work."  
  
"Maybe then..." The Director gestured.  
  
-------  
  
"Oh my!" Kasumi blushed becomingly in her nurse's outfit. "Ranma-sama, I've got something to tell you."  
  
Ranma looked up from his hospital bed, holding his hand out. "Ah, Kasumi. You've been so kind to me, nursing me back to health after that ambush. What can I do for you?"  
  
Kasumi turned away, blushing even more. "Well, I might have a request..."  
  
"Say it then," said Ranma, coughing weakly. "If I can grant it, I will."  
  
Kasumi turned and knelt at his bedside, the light turning soft and violin music increasing in volume. "Well then, how about if we honored that pledge when we were children. Will you marry me?"  
  
Cue storm of sakura petals as the two lean into a kiss.  
  
-------  
  
"CUT! CUT! CUT!" Akane jumped up and down on Ranma. "NOBODY will believe *that* kind of sappy romance!"  
  
"Well, maybe," said the exasperated director.  
  
------  
  
Brassy music plays in the background. Ranma in a tuxedo, Nabiki in a slinky black dress, enter the ballroom.  
  
"M'sier Ranma, Mam'selle Nabiki, if you will follow me." The maitre'd popped his mouth and headed to the stairs.  
  
"Is the spy camera in place?" whispered Ranma to Nabiki.  
  
Nabiki smirked. "Of course. With the two top secret agents of Nerima City on the case, the only thing we won't find is a boring time."  
  
-----  
  
"AAAGHHH NO NO NO!" Akane yelled. "And don't even bother with Ukyo or Shampoo or Hotaru or Shinobu! I'm the only one who can play this role! Not a vacuous idiot like Kasumi, not a soulless greedy machiavellian like Nabiki, not a ditz like Azusa, not a psychowitch like Kodachi, nor a bimbo like Shampoo, nor a lesbian crossdresser like Ukyo."  
  
"Hmmmm, you know I think I do have a role for you," agreed the director.  
  
-------  
  
Akane flew her bright red tri-wing through a cloud, guns blazing a song of death as she raced into the aerial battle. "Yeah, this is more like it!"  
  
*Vrrrrrrrrtttt!* "Oh no," said Shampoo, "my guns started firing and I'm too much of a bimbo to figure out how to turn them off!"  
  
*Poom!* *Poom!* "Oh my! My Fireworks missiles went off by accident. I guess it's because I'm a vacuous idiot."  
  
*Braaaat!* "Don't look at me. I couldn't have sent that shot since it's not Machiavellian enough."  
  
*CHOOM!* "Oh dear, little Azusa being a ditz tripped and sent a Dog Missile towards the pretty red plane."  
  
*Foom!* "I am *not* a lesbian, damnit!"  
  
*Chunk! Shoom!* "Oh dear, did I do that? Oh ho ho ho ho ho, errr. Sorry. Force of habit."  
  
Akane watched as chunks of her plane came apart and she started spiralling down towards the ocean. "Hey, what about my role?!"  
  
"The heroine who meets a tragic end, providing everyone a chance to cool down and realize their conflict has gone too far," said the director. "It's a starring role."  
  
"Oh, well that's okay then," agreed Akane as the sorrowful music increased in volume and her plane fell apart around her into the Toxic Cloud.  
  
-------  
  
"So are we going to do this over now?" Nabiki asked.  
  
"Ran out of time," said the director. "We had enough time for Akane or the big battle. This *is* just an omake after all."  
  
END THEME: "Wandering Heart" 


	27. Raggedy omake

"I gotta try again!"  
  
A bard shook his head. "Stubborn, isn't he?"  
  
An elven superspy agreed. "Less sense than most of the Ranmas I've run across. Must be from one of those so-called 'canon' universes."  
  
"It's not fair! Ya gotta let me try again!"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"There!" Saotome school of martial arts - action without thought. A ten yen coin skipped across the water, slapped into the stone lip, spun up and came back down with a plop.  
  
A shadowy figure pointed off to the side. "You *do* remember that the simulation device is over there, right? This is Mimir's Well, where possibilities become reality."  
  
A whimper answered him.  
  
The various observers all nodded and came up with the same comment in an eerie unrehearsed chorus. "Ranma No Baka."  
  
Chii pointed cutely. "Hey look, we got a crossrip forming!"  
  
---------  
  
"My lord Lamune!" The marionette struggled against the waves of evil force. "I will defend you unto death."  
  
"Rrraaaaaaaaaaa," roared the demonic being, making a gesture that threw the valiant marionette back. "You are a pitiful machine. You are less than nothing."  
  
"No," the marionette rallied and began to force her way back against the pressure even though neo-flesh began peeling away. "While I live, I love. While I love, I will do everything I can to protect that love!"  
  
"Then DIE!" The foul being focussed its malevolence on her then turned as the Lamune renewed his assault, having used the break to recover.  
  
The marionette's systems continued to fail even as the battle created a wormhole. Seeing her lord and the enemy annihilate each other in a last move/countermove, she simply gave up and let the wormhole take her wherever fate decreed.  
  
---------  
  
Genma and Ranma looked up as a meteor left a flaming trail.  
  
Genma wished for more food.  
  
Ranma wished he could get some sleep.  
  
The two began to get nervous as the meteor seemed to get closer and closer. The meteor crashed into the ground hard enough to send tremblers where they were.   
  
"Ya s'pose it was a plane?" Ranma asked.  
  
"We're going that way anyway," reckoned Genma. "We might as well check it out." Besides there might be valuables that survived the wreck. Like airplane food.  
  
--------  
  
RANMA 1/2: Rag Doll  
  
--------  
  
The Valley Of Jusenkyo, where over 100 springs had bamboo poles sticking up out of them. The Valley Of Cursed Springs, which were unchanged in hundreds of Ranma timelines.  
  
Not this one though.  
  
Something weighing roughly 500 pounds had impacted the ground at meteoric speeds. There was a large hole over there, filling with water, and there were burning bamboo poles and scorched walls, and a hut that looked as if someone had set a torch to it.  
  
A dumpy looking fellow in a Mao suit was wrapping bandages around one leg and said something in Chinese.  
  
The two looked around, drawn towards that single large bubbling crater.   
  
Genma saw the gleam of metal within and figured that diving into the pool to look for survivors (or valuables) might be dangerous. "RANMA! Take a look!" (THWACK!)  
  
Ranma tried to twist before hitting the water. He almost made it despite his near total surprise.  
  
*SPLASH!*  
  
Almost does not count in avoiding getting cursed at Jusenkyo.  
  
--------  
  
Two weeks later:  
  
"They'll be here any moment now."  
  
"I don't know," said Nabiki, pushing the glasses back on her nose. "How do we know this isn't some uncouth barbarian you're pushing us off on."  
  
"You never know, Nabiki, he *might* be cute," disagreed Kasumi.  
  
"Who knows, who cares, I've already *got* enough boyfriends," grumped Akane. "Can I borrow some smokes, Pop?"  
  
"Akane, I wish you wouldn't do that in the house," Nabiki disagreed with the whole practice of chain smoking.  
  
"Ah, who died and made *you* clan elder?" Akane waved off the objection.  
  
------  
  
Mimir's Well:  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" Ranma practically erupted. "Kasumi's wearing a kimono? Nabiki's wearing glasses? Akane's wearing makeup and... that outfit... it's..."  
  
"When their mother died, each of the Tendo girls reacted in a different manner. In most timelines: Kasumi adopts the mommy role, Nabiki becomes ever more greedy and possessive and manipulative, Akane finds solace in violence and approval from her father in her practice of the Art." A black cat explained. "In *this* reality it was quite different. Kasumi adopted the Heir To The School position, particularly her mother's school - the Tendo naginata-ryuu. She still does housework, but in this timeline she also seeks mastery of the martial arts. Nabiki turned her intellect to other pursuits and hopes to become a doctor. Akane found herself in her sister's shadows. With Kasumi more advanced in the art and a better cook, and Nabiki the popular smart girl, Akane had to find something else to define herself."  
  
"And what did she mean 'boyfriends'?!"  
  
"Well, nobody else was bringing any income into the household, and Nabiki has to worry about her image so that she can get into medical school eventually. After Akane found her mother's box of sex-toys..."  
  
Ranma whimpered.  
  
"On the one hand, you at least don't have to worry about her calling you a pervert."  
  
-------  
  
"That must be them!" Akane scrambled as she got up to run towards the door. She hoped he was older. Boys her age just didn't have any stamina. At least older men had some money.  
  
"...well maybe he's cute..." Nabiki allowed that Kasumi might have an idea there.  
  
Akane looked about. There was an older man, but he didn't look like much. Too portly, his gi was worn in a few places, and just the fact that he'd been out in the rain and too cheap to buy an umbrella was enough to indicate that this guy wouldn't be much fun at all. There *was* a younger and cuter boy with him, but too young to be any real...  
  
Akane peered closer. Not a boy. A girl. She'd had some experience both with crossdressing and crossdressers. Not much fun at all. Phooey.  
  
"...stupid old man..." said the girl with a glare at the older man.  
  
"Excuse me, we're here to see Soun Tendo," began the old man.  
  
"Yeah, you must be Genma Saotome and his 'son' Ranma. Hell, you idiot, couldn't you bring a *real* 'son'? A real stud-boy instead of some girl in guy's clothing." Akane waved it off. "Never mind, you're here, just don't get your hopes up. Neither of my sisters are interested in lesbian relationships. Believe me, I've tried!"  
  
"AKANE!!" Nabiki looked thoroughly scandalized and stopped in the doorway.  
  
Akane rolled her eyes. Why did she have to have a sister as prudish as Nabiki anyway? At least Kasumi showed interest in guys as potential sex partners, even though Akane suspected Kasumi had never done it. Nabiki would probably wait until after marriage. How boring!  
  
----------  
  
The three daughters stared after the explanation of Jusenkyo and curses that depended on what temperature water you were splashed with.  
  
"So you're a girl *and* you're a guy?" Akane sat back and looked thoughtful. "Cool! I'd be able to demonstrate what gets a girl's motor running, and then you could do the same for me."  
  
While the girls might have been a little freaked out by the curse, Akane was just plain freaking Ranma out. "W-w-w-what?!"  
  
"Despite the redistribution of some mass to your breasts, there is clearly a loss of mass in your... feminine configuration." Nabiki frowned and started filling a page with equations as she tried to figure this out. "Where is the energy for this coming from? Where does the extra mass go? With the different size and displacement, how do the nerves and tissues stay connected through the transformation? What is the temperature threshold that decides if you're male or female? Why do you have seams on your upper arms in girl form?"  
  
Kasumi merely sighed. While the boy was cute while male, he clearly was not up to meeting potential lifemates at this point.  
  
Ranma had shuddered at Akane's comment, couldn't understand Nabiki's, and just observed Kasumi's disappointment.   
  
"So, does that mean you want to be the one to marry him, Akane?" Hope seeped into Soun's voice at the thought of his youngest daughter gaining some respectability.  
  
"Tie myself down to *one* guy?" Akane stared at her father. "What have you been smoking and why aren't you sharing? No, I'm talking about maybe a couple of weeks. Heck with him being a guy and a girl, he might last a month before I get tired of him."  
  
Ranma shuddered a lot. Finally her arm vents opened and sent a quick blast of steam out.  
  
Even more stares.  
  
"Hey, I was born a guy! It's just my curse that turns me into some mechanical girl!" Ranma immediately got very defensive.  
  
Nabiki looked thoughtful again. "So, up the mass by quite a large factor. Maybe I should conduct a medical exam, it might produce some useful data."  
  
Kasumi was more intrigued now. "Does your strength and speed increase in your cursed form? Do you want to spar?"  
  
"Well, something kinda happened last time I fought a girl," said Ranma, wincing at the memory.  
  
---------  
  
Ranma tried to crack her knuckles while she waited for the signal. The girl at the other end of the log just looked ticked off.  
  
The girl raced across the log, and Ranma leisurely kicked out in a legsweep.  
  
The impact point was instead the girl's weapons as *something* took over. Shampoo caught the kick with a crossed weapon block.   
  
"Aiiiiiiii-"  
  
The entire village stared as their champion was knocked from the challenge log and went flying.  
  
"-yaaaaaaaaaaa" (THWAM!) The girl went through a roof. "ya" (WHAM!) Out the other side. "aa" (CRASH!) Outer village wall. "..." (CRUNCH!) Impacting a tree on the other side of that wall with enough force that the tree fell down.  
  
There was considerable nervousness in the village as Shampoo was found and brought back. Some relief at the news that Shampoo was still alive.   
  
"For the honor of the village!" One girl raced forward to restrain the Outsider, followed by several others.  
  
:Initiating Self Defense Protocol.  
  
(WHAM!) (BAM!) (BODYSLAM!) (BIFF!) (BOP!) (BASH!)  
  
Genma stared as Ranma finally tired of this assault, ripped the Challenge Log free of its moorings and began swinging it like a baseball bat.  
  
--------  
  
"...so after we found out we weren't welcome we escaped," continued Ranma.   
  
Kasumi looked more intrigued. "What about physical toughness? Can you take it as well as dish it out?"  
  
"Well some guy in white robes tried to cut me in half with a sword from behind in that fight, and he broke his sword so I'd hafta say 'yeah' to that."   
  
"Well, Kasumi," began the hopeful Soun. "Do *you* want to take up this marriage?"  
  
"More a sparring partner, Father," replied Kasumi though she was still thoughtful. "I could use an opponent that I don't have to hold back against."  
  
The two fathers looked at each other and nodded as one. "Then it's decided, Nabiki will marry Ranma."  
  
That woke Nabiki up from making a list of what sort of equipment she'd need to give Ranma a physical. "WHAT?! What about my plans to become a doctor?!"  
  
"Nabiki! It is a matter of family honor!"  
  
"He's an uncouth barbarian! I plan to be a doctor! How am I going to get through medical school with some knuckle-dragging martial artist expecting me to play hausfrau?! Uhm. No offense, Ranma. No offense, Kasumi."  
  
"What's a hausfrau?" Ranma scratched his head at that.  
  
"Not me," said Nabiki, standing up. "Father, I thought you approved of my studies. That my grades and my goal mattered to you. Clearly I see that I was wrong. That my own oath - that never again would I be helpless while someone went through what Mother did - has no place in this plan you just dropped on us out of the blue. Fine. I shall be Ranma's fiance if you require this of me."  
  
"Uhm, excuse me," said Ranma.  
  
"Oh happy day, the houses will be joined!" Soun began weeping happily and hugging Genma.   
  
"However, I shall hate you forever for this. For making me break my personal oath to mother, you have shown me that you care for your children not at all." Nabiki was building up a good head of steam on this. "I will *never* forgive you for this, Father."  
  
"Uhm, excuse me," repeated Ranma.  
  
"Let's call the priest right away, Saotome," exclaimed Soun happily.  
  
"They're a perfect couple," declared Genma.  
  
"That's it, I'm out of here," said Ranma to absolutely no one in particular. "This isn't right at all."  
  
"First sensible suggestion I've heard today," seconded Kasumi.  
  
"Bye you two," said Akane before she pulled out her little black book. "Let's see..."  
  
--------  
  
Ranma walked a few feet behind his new iinazuke. He didn't get this at all. Sure the girl was cute but she seemed to regard him like he should be wearing a loincloth and swinging through trees and was going to singlehandedly destroy her reputation in the first five minutes at school and doom her to a life where she was chained to the kitchen sink.  
  
Ranma had never really known any women before, and was having a hard time understanding the three Tendo girls.  
  
And what did that Akane mean by he "wouldn't be able to keep up" - that girl wasn't particularly fast or nothing!  
  
Bad enough stupid oyaji going on and on about family honor. Like *he* had ever set a particularly good example of anything to do with honor.  
  
Akane was, well, strange. What did she mean by checking his shoe size? What did chocolate sauce and strawberry jam have to do with dating? And what the heck was she doing with handcuffs and a whip in his room this morning?!!  
  
Nabiki - well. Cute enough. Just that she felt that marrying him would destroy her dreams, permanently cripple her, and singlehandedly destroy Japan's current economic boom. Ranma wasn't sure but he thought she thought of something as more important than martial arts. Whatever *that* could be.  
  
Kasumi was at least a martial artist. From what Ranma could see - a *good* martial artist. Not a move wasted, completely centered and at peace, probably nearly as good as he was. Sparring with her should be interesting. Absolutely not interested in him except as a sparring partner.  
  
"Man," said Ranma as Nabiki pulled ahead. "If I had to have some girl as a fiancee, and I'm not sayin' I want one cause I don't, why couldn't it have been someone who didn't carry on like I'm the worst marriage choice on the planet?"  
  
"AAA CHOO!"  
  
Ranma wondered if this was an omen.  
  
"RANMA! PREPARE TO DIE!"  
  
-----  
  
Mimir's Well:   
  
"HOLD IT! HOLD EVERYTHING!" Ranma snarled. "How the heck did she show up this early?! I haven't even met Kuno yet!"  
  
Bast rewound to the scene where Ranma defeats half of the Amazon nation.  
  
"But SHE isn't no Amazon!"  
  
"No, but look at this flashback then."  
  
-----  
  
"Is good," said the girl with the two handed sword. "Is cabbage and bonito and Sugar not sure what else."  
  
"It's called okonomiyaki," said Ukyo proudly. "Best in this area, at the least!"  
  
"Yes, is very good. No have food like this in village. Sash or Tigar sometime make foreign dish is similar. Spice sometime make Thai food, but this different." Sugar nodded. "If you ever in China - Bayankala mountain range Qinghai province - you stop by. Do good business, Sugar think."  
  
Ukyo smiled in return, but then let her puzzlement show. "Say, sugar, howcome you all are so far away from your village? Some kind of convention."  
  
"Oh we here to avenge great dishonor. Outsider girl come and defeat in combat. We declare to track and kill. Then Sugar point out Jusenkyo Guide, we talk Guide and find out girl is guy."  
  
Ukyo nodded at that. Some crossdresser like Tsubasa no doubt. "Well, you all are certainly well armed."  
  
"Yes, but as is boy not girl, law get complicated." Sugar gestured. "Tigar best tracker in village. She help find, it go fast. Now when find will be race. One who kiss Ranma Saotome have first claim, whether to kill or marry."  
  
"?!" Ukyo froze. "Excuse me. Could you repeat that name again."  
  
"We find at restaurant. Name of outsider is Ranma Saotome," Sugar looked curiously at the girl. "You feel okay? Sugar have medicine if you needs."  
  
-------  
  
Nabiki turned back to Ranma as she heard the yell, then stared.  
  
Ranma was very very good at the martial arts.  
  
If this had been a normal universe, Nabiki would have drawn parallels between this fight and Akane's fights against the Horde O' Hentai. This Nabiki was not familiar with the concept as *her* Akane had had one night stands with most of the school. Most of whom had since turned towards less demanding and bizarre girls with an occasional side order of Akane.  
  
The other problem with that parallel was that these girls were a good deal better than that same Horde, and could grasp basic tactics as well.  
  
So Nabiki was treated to the sight of a number (31) of girls in brightly colorful Chinese outfits, plus some bishonen with a big spatula, swarming over Ranma like white on rice.  
  
She didn't know that Ranma could have taken on Ukyo in one-on-one. Same with Shampoo. He could readily have defeated Rin Rin & Ran Ran, Sugar & Spice, or another of the twin weapons pairs. He could have taken on most of the others and handily crushed them, because he was nearly as good a martial artist as he thought he was.  
  
Taking on Ukyo, Shampoo, Sugar & Spice, Rin Rin & Ran Ran, Tigar, Fleece, Vanilla, Chocolate, Strawberry, Pai Chi, Tien Tsing, Chun Han, Azure, and Mei Mei along with the others? When they were rotating in and out, coordinating attacks?   
  
Ranma found himself getting pounded.  
  
While he was stunned, he found a pair of lips brought up against his own. Then he was *really* stunned.  
  
-------  
  
Pulling the okonomiyaki chef off of Ranma, Sugar confronted her about this. "What you do?!"  
  
Ukyo grinned back. "Sugar, you told me that per your laws, the first gal to kiss Ranma could decide whether to marry or kill him. Ten years I've been hunting this jackass, and I'm not about to let someone deprive me of my vengeance!"  
  
"Huh?!" Ranma stared. He'd just been kissed. By a guy. While he *was* a guy. "A GUY kissed me? A guy KISSED me. A guy kissed ME. You... you... PERVERT!"  
  
Ukyo prepared to turn and yell something about vengeance, when the comment about being a guy struck home. "Hey, you jack-URK!"  
  
Hitting some pervert guy once was not enough for Ranma. For taking the First Person Kissed position, something special to most Japanese, this was not tolerable.  
  
(WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM)  
  
Ranma ran off in search of mouthwash.  
  
Sugar tsked as she looked down at the chef, who had been driven into the ground like a tent peg with her own spatula. "That what you get you mess with Amazons. You outsider, you no count."  
  
"Think wait for airen calm down, he not like being kissed," suggested Spice.  
  
Much nodding and agreement from the rest of the Amazons.  
  
--------  
  
Ranma got into the bathroom after school, and proceeded to once again wash his mouth out. Ick. Having boys hit on him was just so *wrong.*  
  
"Ahem," said a voice.  
  
Slowly Ranma turned around. Akane was in the tub. Naked.  
  
"Come on in, the water's fine," suggested Akane, waggling her eyebrows. "I'll scrub your back if you'll scrub mine!"  
  
Ranma covered his eyes. "No! Sorry! I didn't see nothin'!"  
  
"You..." Akane's eyes narrowed and she stood, getting angry. "YOU PRUDE! How dare you not ogle me!"  
  
"I..."  
  
(WHAM WHAM WHAM!)  
  
"owie."  
  
--------  
  
Ranma woke up from another dream. Yet another dream of the mechanical girl who had died at Jusenkyo. Another dream of life and love and battles against some great menace.  
  
He realized these were just memories left over from the previous tenant. However, they made a lot more sense than his day to day existence, so it was difficult not to think of them.  
  
Wait a minute. He'd gone to bed male, how come he was a girl now?  
  
"Genma Saotome. Now deal with the child you left behind!"  
  
Hey, that was the boy from yesterday. Child left behind? That meant...  
  
Akane stopped outside the door. "Hmmm. Wouldn't have thought the old bugger had it in him."  
  
Ranma began waving away the cloud of cigarette smoke coming off of the youngest Tendo. "Huh?"  
  
"That's his 'love-child', don't you get it?" Akane gestured with her morning cigarette. "Ukyo Kuonji is your half-sister."  
  
"He's a she," picked Ranma up hopefully. Being kissed by a girl was not nearly so bad as being kissed by a boy.  
  
"Yeah. Not much of a figure," complained Akane. "Oh, and Kasumi wants to spar with you before you do the wash."  
  
---===  
  
NOTES:  
i just wanted to monkey with the concept of a marionette Ranma-chan. May have to redo this without the different Tendo angle, though that's still something i want to explore.  
  
The "what if the Tendos had turned out differently" concept might be worth exploring with a more mainstream Ranma. The basic idea is that their focus is altered, but their approaches are similar to the source material. So, if one keeps Kasumi as the "traditionalist" or slightly ditzy/oblivious or spiritual, Nabiki as the intellectual, Akane as the physical in how they approach things...  
  
*Can you picture Kasumi as a nursing student, holding down a part time job and not at the house all the time?  
*Nabiki adopting the housewife mode, or wanting to pursue her own career as a detective?  
*Akane the goth?  
*or any number of other possibilities along those lines?  
  
========== 


	28. Omakelion Death & Rebirth

omake  
  
"Can't I get another try?"  
  
"Like a makeup test?" One of the cloaked and masked beings nearby asked her.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Very well," said the mysterious being. "Join the others."  
  
"Others? This isn't going to involve turning into a blob of LCL, is it?"  
  
----------  
  
Misato Katsuragi checked her PDA.   
  
:Mission Briefing.  
:Test For Rival Relief Office Placement.  
:Better Father Than Genma Scenario.  
:1) Rescue Ranma Saotome From Pit Of Cats.  
:2) Raise Ranma To Be A Martial Artist As Best As Possible Using Cover Identity Provided.  
:3) Get Him A Few Engagements/Rivals/Opponents Along The Way.  
:4) Proceed To Nerima Japan - Tendo Dojo After 16th Birthday.  
:5) Further Details To Follow.  
  
Misato checked her folder. She was currently Captain Misato Katsuragi, JSSDF. Currently working with a bunch of deranged otaku over at Misawa AFB. Her eyes scanned the papers briefly, nodding at several points, and putting the appropriate cards into her purse to replace her NERV issued identification.   
  
If she returned to her home timeline, she'd be dead within a tick of the clock. In which case her paperwork was not needed any more.  
  
"Misato Katsuragi doesn't like to lose," she muttered into the cold misty morning air. "Now where do I find..."  
  
"NOOOO! PAPA! I'll be good! Don't throw me in there again!"  
  
Misato smiled lightly, checked her gun. "It's showtime, boys and girls!"  
  
--------  
  
Misato smiled down at her adopted child. It had been a strange request, but then it had been a strange trial.  
  
After getting the boy from his father and placing that father under citizen's arrest, a number of crimes had been found to press charges against Genma Saotome. Nothing really major except the assault charges against a police officer who had attempted to stop him and two other panty thieves a few years ago. Still, the jury had been readily convinced that even if Misato Katsuragi was a "boozing violent ne'er do well" - she had attained the rank of Captain in the JSSDF and had a fair list of accomplishments. She was also being considered for several positions within the Law Enforcement community for when she got out of the JSSDF. While her personal life was a shambles that the Saotome attorney took great pleasure in ripping apart, it had been *nothing* compared to what the prosecutors had found on Genma Saotome.  
  
Little Ranma had gotten disillusioned with his father during the whole thing. Besides, those Marines over there were pretty darn good fighters and knew some new moves.  
  
"There's good fighters there?" Six year old Ranma asked his new guardian.  
  
"Germany has a long and involved martial history," agreed Misato. "I'll be training with some of their pilots while I'm there, but we'll see if I can get you in with the 'head dojo' at the base."  
  
Ranma grinned. He knew his father had just sold him off again. No doubt his Pop would be sneaking him off any time now. In the meantime this Misato gal was kinda nice and the food was pretty darn good and he was learnin' all sorts a stuff! Though he was kind of put off by some of the things those men had been saying about his father. Stealing food and supplies, runnin' over people, making promises and then running out - these were bad things?! Ranma had pointed out to everyone in the courtroom that these couldn't be bad things, Papa did them all the time!  
  
"Let's see," Misato said, reaching down and trying to pull out her PDA. Then checking her purse. Then checking her luggage. She was beginning to panic about the time she remembered just setting it down at the dock and...  
  
At the bottom of Tokyo Bay, a PDA quietly shut itself down.   
  
--------  
  
"How dare you ignore Asuka Langley Soryuu, the Red Rose of Götterdämmerung Grundschule (Goetterdaemmerung Elementary School)?!"  
  
"Uhm, fairly easily," pointed out Ranma, then went back to ignoring the crazy chick. He had food to take care of, a much more important task.  
  
"In the name of my family school of martial arts," Asuka said as she leapt to the top of the cafeteria table, "such impudence cannot be forgiven!"  
  
Ranma finished scarfing the "mystery meat loaf" and deliberately spat a pimento out at the redhead. It bounced off her forehead.  
  
"You... you... Arschloch!" Asuka was not amused. "Soryuu School Of Martial Arts Dragoon Style Special Attack! Lunch Tray Slam!"  
  
Ranma flicked some jello out, then moved aside when Asuka slid off the table and planted her face on the bench. Sighing deeply, he took the unconscious girl to the nurse. "Third time this week. You'd think she'd learn."  
  
Asuka mumbled something indistinct. If Ranma had heard that the only way to keep his attention had been to fight him, he would have been appropriately worried.  
  
---------  
  
Misato hadn't been *too* surprised to find Asuka here, she'd known that Asuka hadn't wanted to return to their original timeline either.   
  
Arranging an engagement between Asuka and Ranma had been fairly easy. Especially considering who Asuka's guardian was. Though the thought of Ryoji Kaji as a grizzled middle-aged Interpol detective was certainly quite... Actually it did kind of fit, didn't it?  
  
A few years at various military bases, taking Ranma along while doing some odd jobs. She was a security expert and tightening up security at some installations was just entirely too natural. Ranma got some training, sometimes from the local sensei like that Dhalsim guy in India, sometimes a local brawler like Colonel Guile (who Misato could admit had some smooth moves - not entirely confined to during a fight), and sometimes the underground fight scene like with that Blanca fellow. Oh and then there had been Chun Li. Couldn't hold her beer but someone Misato could respect despite the silly hairstyle. Who had dropped hints about two Chinese locations not on the map.  
  
The visit to Jusenkyo had not gone nearly so well. Who knows what would have happened if they had actually made use of that training ground!  
  
The letters back and forth to the other location of which Chun Li had hinted and which a call to a few contacts had nailed down - at least looked promising so far.  
  
"Hello, are you Cologne?" Misato bowed. "I'm Major Katsuragi. Can we get out of this sun before we talk? It's been a long trip."   
  
The old woman nodded. "So glad you were able to make it dearie. So this is the young man you're trying to get additional training for?"  
  
"Yup. Ranma Katsuragi. He's spent years studying martial arts under some of the best military instructors in the world," Misato said proudly. "He can take apart a machine gun and put it back together blindfolded, pilot almost any military vehicle (he specializes in mid-air combat), and has studied under some pretty impressive martial arts sensei."  
  
"So you heard about us and wanted to see what we can teach him, in return for which you will get us that equipment you mentioned in your letter." Cologne nodded. The Nichieju were self-sufficient. That didn't mean they didn't *want* some modern equipment and supplies.  
  
"Already arranged," assured Misato. "One of the things you do over the years in my line of work is make some contacts. As long as its basic stuff like food, medicine, farming equipment, and the like - none of my contacts has any problem smuggling stuff into Chinese airspace."  
  
"Oh dear," said Cologne. "He just defeated Vanilla. She just gave him the Kiss Of Marriage."  
  
"The what?" Misato turned around. "REI?!"  
  
"Hmmm, that's the most emotional response I've seen out of her. Interesting," said Cologne.  
  
-------  
  
A portly middle-aged man yanked another arrow out of his butt. Even he could admit this wasn't working. Try to enter one of those military bases and you had all sorts of people after you. Which wouldn't be too unusual except that these particular groups had all sorts of firearms and IR scopes and other unfair measures.   
  
Try to enter that one village and some guy apparently made of rubber would start breathing fire on him.   
  
Try to enter this village and there were a lot of women who apparently not only had some martial arts training, but regarded him as an intruder.   
  
Sooner or later, though, the betrayer and the thief would be defenseless and he could strike!  
  
-------  
  
Some of this was beginning to amuse Misato. So far she was the only one who apparently remembered *anything* of the Eva units or NERV or any of that. Except a shadow had briefly passed over Asuka's face when she'd mentioned taking Ranma back to Tokyo, and that she had some piloting to do.  
  
Still, she'd ended up getting out of the military and would be going into policework soon. The teaching gig was just temporary.  
  
Getting a teaching degree had been fairly simple, the paperwork had been in place for quite awhile and she'd had to brush up on a lot of this to tutor Ranma anyway.   
  
That wasn't the amusing thing though.  
  
Asuka as a German prima donna kempo champ? Ok.  
  
Rei Ayanami as Vanilla - a Chinese Amazon? Strange.  
  
Maya Ibuki, a young teacher at Furinkan Senior High School? Really odd.  
  
Ritsuko Akagi, the slightly sadistic school nurse? Odd, but somehow appropriate.  
  
Kouzou Fuyutsuki, acting vice principal? Ok, she supposed. As long as Gendo didn't show up.  
  
Slightly more amusing was that Maya's boyfriend and fellow teacher was Makoto Hyuuga. Looked like he reciprocated those feelings. Misato actually felt pretty good about that, feeling Makoto deserved better than to get hung up on her again when she didn't return those feelings herself.  
  
Kensuke Aida, military otaku and sophomore? Fit pretty darn well actually.  
  
Touji Suzuhara, tough guy who practically melted into sentimental slag around his girlfriend - Hikari - who perhaps fortunately went to some school for girls and not this one.  
  
Shigeru Aoba was a music teacher, and looked a damn sight happier than he had been as Comm Officer at NERV.  
  
Then there was the local weirdoes. If they'd been in her previous world, Misato didn't recognize them.  
  
"Fair educator, I wouldst date with thee!"  
  
*THWAM!*   
  
"Stop hittin' on my Mom, you jerk!"  
  
Misato was pretty sure kendo-boy there must be related to Kaji.   
  
Why was that one girl so angry that Ranma had stopped those morning fights? It was only their second day here and already Ranma seemed to have picked up as many rivals/enemies as he had in two years in Germany or that year he'd spent in the Amazon village.  
  
Misato made her way to the principal's office and then to her classroom. Perhaps it was a bit odd that her "son" was one of her students, but this whole school took odd to an artform.  
  
She checked her notes and froze. No way. Well, on second thought, maybe she should have expected this. "We have two new students. Both transfers. Heh heh." Misato sent a glance towards Ranma's desk.  
  
Ranma swallowed and made a couple of battlespeak hand gestures. A handy thing practiced by Black Beret Special Forces.  
  
Misato replied back in the same mode. No, he was not getting out of this that easy. Just try to keep the property damage and disruption to the classroom minimal.  
  
Not for the first time, Misato wondered what it would have been like if she could have substituted Shinji with Ranma. Other than when the chips were down and people's lives were on the line, Ranma wouldn't have folded like that.  
  
A rap on the door. "Come in." Misato nodded. "Introduce yourselves."  
  
"I'm Asuka Langley Soryuu, charmed I'm sure!" The redhead winked at the class.  
  
"Vanilla," said the albino. "Though Katsuragi-san has given me the name Rei Ayanami on several occasions."  
  
"Not on purpose," mumbled Misato.  
  
Asuka sauntered over to Ranma's desk. "Well, liebchen? Nothing to say to your fiancee?"  
  
"F-f-f-fiancee?!" Ranma was a little surprised.  
  
"His is my airen," said Rei cooly, her look suggesting she was measuring Asuka for a coffin.  
  
"NO! Ranma must marry a Tendo!" The door exploded as an overweight martial artist burst through it.  
  
"WHAT?!" The violent girl in a seat near Ranma exclaimed. "Where did that come from?!"  
  
"It's quite correct," said a middle-aged man with a moustache and long hair. "Ranma Saotome *must* marry a Tendo."  
  
"But my name is now legally Ranma Katsuragi," pointed out Ranma.  
  
"Don't bother us with the facts," exclaimed Genma and Soun together.  
  
"Excuse me," said Asuka.  
  
"Excuse please," said Rei.  
  
*WHAM!* *WHAM!* Rei and Asuka nodded after knocking the two out the door.  
  
"HEY! You can't hit my father like that!" Akane got up, protesting.  
  
*WHAM!* *WHAM!*  
  
Ranma took a deep breath. He'd barely gotten the window open in time before the two had knocked that violent tomboy out it. That could've been messy.  
  
"Now," began Asuka, turning towards the paler girl.  
  
*Clik-clak!*  
  
"Now you're both going to sit down, shut up, and I'm going to start class, right?"  
  
"Nice gun," commented Asuka from her new chair, which that one girl had obligingly given up to her.  
  
"Very pretty is," said Rei in an attempt to be polite.   
  
"Most ominous," said Mio, regretting her Tarot card forecast to stay home today had been ignored.  
  
"I'm so glad you're all reasonable," said Misato.  
  
-------  
  
"Chinese Vulcan-wannabe," griped Asuka a month later as she left school.  
  
Rei merely raised an eyebrow. Then idly kicked Hikaru Gosunkugi in the head before he could try pounding a stake into her heart.  
  
Ranma sighed. Why was his life so complicated?  
  
Tatewaki Kuno stared from nearby. The redheaded valkyrie, so passionate and fiery! The pale and ghostly girl, so vulnerable and yet so strong. Akane Tendo, so pure and tidy. The beauteous educator, so earthy and alluring. Gotta catch 'em all!  
  
Hikaru Gosunkugi, convinced that girl was a vampire, wondered why the garlic and crosses weren't working.  
  
Akane stalked forward. How dare those two keep beating her into the ground!  
  
"Most ominous," repeated Mio, ducking as Akane flew past her head.  
  
"Honey, you ain't seen ominous," Misato declared, "I've seen ominous. This is just amusing."  
  
==============  
  
Thanks to Helmut Steeg for correcting my German! ^_^  
  
=============  
Epilogue:  
  
:Test Completed.  
:Status - Passed.  
:Overall Performance - Passable.  
:Placement: Rival Relief Office, Operative 3rd Class (Probationary) 


	29. The Tendo Bunch

omake omake omake omake  
  
"Sure you want to stick around here, kid?"  
  
Ranma sighed, then turned and glared. "I've handled the worst that you can dish out!"  
  
Toltiir blinked. "Excuse me? The *worst*?!"  
  
Ranma glared at everyone snickering. "Yeah!"  
  
The cat grinned. "Let's see, how about if I do - THIS!"  
  
----------  
  
"Here's a story,  
'bout a man named Tendo,  
who lost his wife,  
and his daughters,  
with emotional excess!"  
  
"Here's a story,  
'bout Saotome,  
who had a little son,  
that he dragged around,  
and they were all alone!"  
  
"Then one day Tendo came to realize,  
and it was much more than a hunch,  
he needed daughters - so adopted,  
that's the way that he got a Tendo Bunch!  
The Tendo Bunch!  
The Tendo Bunch!  
Way too many - but that's the Tendo Bunch!"  
  
------------  
  
"How could you kill them off?" Ranma demanded of the Elder god.  
  
Toltiir blinked. "What are you talking about? She went off to live with relatives and took her daughters with her. Look into the pool. Kasumi's working as a short order cook, Nabiki's attending business college, and Akane's off with her ski club. They just happen to be nowhere near Nerima."  
  
"And who're these girls?!" Ranma pointed to the number of *new* Tendo girls.  
  
"They're from a 'Kingdom Hearts' set of universes," said the Elder god of mischief. "Letting them get swallowed by Darkness is no fun, so they just ended up a little younger and partially amnesiac."  
  
"Kingdom Of Hearts?! That's dumb."  
  
---------  
  
Soun held up the postcard. "At last! Today's the day! Aerith! Cinderella!"  
  
The two girls stepped out of the kitchen and smiled at their adoptive though silly father. "Yes, father?" "Otou-san?"  
  
"Family meeting," said Soun, crossing to the backyard and sticking his head in the koi pond. He'd had to expand it considerably, but when summer got unbearably hot the depths of the pool cooled things off. "Ariel!"  
  
The red head looked up from where she was reading and nodded.  
  
Soun went up stairs and knocked on a door. "Yuffie?"   
  
"Yeah, pops?"   
  
Soun banged his head against the ceiling, then turned to confront his sneaky "daughter". "How do you *do* that, anyway?"  
  
"It's a knack," admitted Yuffie, ninja-thief of the household. "Family meeting, right?"  
  
Soun nodded and tried to get his heartrate back under control. "Have you seen..."  
  
"Mulan? She's jogging, I think. Jasmine's probably on the roof again. Belle's in her room, want me to get her?" Yuffie offered.  
  
Soun frowned.  
  
Yuffie sighed. "Fine. No charge."  
  
--------  
  
At the Well, Ranma-mw blinked and scowled. "What are *they* doing here?"  
  
"Well, they're orphans, and they're princesses. The bad guys are after princesses," explained Toltiir.  
  
"Shinobu Maehara is a princess?!"  
  
"Well, in a manner of speaking," admitted Toltiir.  
  
---------  
  
Soun went into the spare building. Even he could admit than when he'd started adopting girls, well, he'd gone just a little overboard.  
  
"Makoto! Hotaru! Michiru!"  
  
"Yo!" "Hai, papa!" "I was just going to practice my violin."  
  
"You can do that later, Michiru, family meeting," said Soun. He quickly crossed over to the other dorm room, steeled himself, and addressed the occupants. "Rei, Lillith, Sasami, Shinobu. Family meeting. Rei, stop putting spirit wards on Lillith. Lillith, get your big sisters and stop trying to drain Rei's blood."  
  
"Morrigan! Setsuna! Stop fighting! Family meeting!"  
  
----------  
  
"What about *them?*" Ranma-mw pointed at the display. "They're not princesses!"  
  
"Well, they weren't happy with their original timeline," allowed Toltiir.  
  
---------  
  
"Rei, Misato, Asuka, Maya," called Soun. "Family meeting."  
  
--------  
  
Maleficient glanced at Jaffar out of the corner of her eye. "Soon."  
  
Jaffar smirked. "No. Soun."  
  
"He'll want to engage one of his 'daughters' to this... Ranma," said Maleficient slowly. "It was a sufficient obsession with him to adopt them upon their escape to this world."  
  
"Pfeh," spat Sephiroth. "Watch. If I offer that Genma a decent amount of coin - he'll sell his son off before they come anywhere near the Tendo Dojo. Providing we don't simply unleash the Heartless and destroy this world before then."  
  
----------  
  
"Where do I begin?" Soun began.  
  
"Oh, this is about Ranma, isn't it?" Setsuna said as she consulted her day planner. "Odd how time gets away from me anymore."  
  
Everyone but Soun laughed for some odd reason that completely escaped him. "Yes, well. Family honor demands that he marry a Tendo. An honor arrangement made before his birth."  
  
"Hold it right there," said Morrigan. "What was the exact wording of this document? Do you have a copy?"  
  
"Uhm, it was an honor arrangement - verbal. I..." Soun began to sweat as he usually did when Morrigan focussed her full attention on him.  
  
Shinobu moved through the group, passing out glasses of iced tea.  
  
"Could it have actually been something like: 'Tendo - we should unite the two Schools Of Anything Goes by uniting the families. My son should marry your daughter(s).'"  
  
"You engaged *all* of us to him? Oh my." Shinobu turned red.  
  
"No no no no no," said Soun hastily. "ONE of you must marry him."  
  
"Oh," Morrigan snapped her fingers. "Pity."  
  
Soun twitched a couple of times. Maybe Morrigan should be excluded. On the other hand, one week engaged to Morrigan and Ranma would be experienced enough to make one of his other daughters happy. "What I'm suggesting is that he spend one week engaged to each of you, and then decide at the end of that time which he'll marry."  
  
There was some general dismay over that suggestion. Makoto glared around the group. "Whose idea was that?"  
  
Lillith tried to look innocent. She failed.  
  
"Might have known."  
  
"He'll be here any minute," began Soun.  
  
"Let go of me, you old fool!" A voice was raised in apparent frustration.  
  
"That would be them," said Setsuna.  
  
-------------  
  
Ranma STARED. This could not be covered by a simple stare or sweatdrop or boggling. No, this required all caps STARING.  
  
"And this is Shinobu, she's 11," said Soun. A short haired girl curtseyed and offered a shy smile.  
  
Another shorthaired girl nudged him. "Here's a program. Lists all the girls, has a photo, their likes and dislikes, what turns 'em on, and how far they'll go. A steal at just 10,000 yen or three materia!"  
  
Soun cleared his throat. The girl sighed, rolled her eyes, and stalked off with a "maybe later."  
  
Genma puzzled. "How many daughters do you *have*, Tendo?"  
  
"Well, in order of age, there's: Morrigan (21), Misato (20), Setsuna (20), Aerith (19), Cinderella (18), Tifa (18), Belle (17), Maya (17), Michiru (17), Makoto (16), Mulan (16), Rei Hino (16), Yuffie (16), Jasmine (15), Rikku (15), Ariel (14), Asuka (14), Rei Ayanami-Tendo (14), Lillith (13), Hotaru (12), Shinobu (11), Sasami (9)." Soun caught his breath.  
  
"Twenty two daughters?" Ranma turned a blank look towards his father. "You engaged me to over twenty different girls at the same time?!"  
  
"Well, my boy, I've always thought you could be a 'man among men' - now's your chance to prove it."  
  
----------  
  
"Sh-sh-shampoo!" Ranma ducked and ran.  
  
"Ranma, you no escape! Shampoo kill!" The Amazon leapt up over the roof, ready to pursue.  
  
"SOUL FIST!" "Deep Submerge!" "Silence Glaive!" "...dead scream..." "Jupiter Thunder ATTACK!" "Eat hot lead!" "AT Field Projectile." "Thrown frypan!"   
  
Mulan made a disgusted noise. "Darn it! You didn't leave anything for *me* to fight!"  
  
Yuffie paused from where she was looting the body. "She's not dead. Maybe you can get in a fight after she's recovered some."  
  
Shampoo groaned. Just her luck she'd run into a Japanese Amazon Village.  
  
---------  
  
"I, Jadeite, claim your energy for the Dark Kingdom!"  
  
"SOUL FIST!" "Deep Submerge!" "Silence Glaive!" "...dead scream..." "Jupiter Thunder ATTACK!" "Eat hot lead!" "AT Field Projectile." "Thrown frypan!" "Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken - archery version!" "Steal Materia!" "Summon Materia! Bahamut!" "Dolphin Fist!" "Pretty Sammy - Cute Look Attack!" "Fire Soul!"  
  
Ranma bounced up. "There's some villain guy around here, right?"  
  
Everyone pointed to a pile of ash.  
  
Ranma frowned. "Okay, I'll settle for his hench-youma."  
  
Everyone pointed to a second pile of ash.  
  
Ranma went off to sulk, muttering something about not getting to kick anyone's butt lately.  
  
--------  
  
"Ranma Saotome," sneered Tatewaki Kuno, "today is the day I free the fair Rei and the tidy Belle from your sorcerous grasp!"  
  
"Ranma, today is the day I free Michiru from your perversions," proclaimed Haruka, trying to crack her knuckles.  
  
"Ranma! Today is the day I avenge what you did with Jasmine!" Ryouga thumped his chest.  
  
Ranma sighed. "I don't suppose anyone's figured out yet that:  
a) Michiru's only interested in my girl form, and that marrying me would give her an extra measure of respectibility because she feels that she could marry a guy and still make out with my girl form?  
b) I turn into a girl with cold water, and that two of you three still haven't figured it out?  
c) I'm not doing anything with anyone except going out on dates and the only thing interesting in *those* has been when a martial arts battle occurs?"  
  
"Prepare to die, Ranma!"  
  
"I didn't think so," Ranma said, casually spinning Haruka into Kuno's multi-strike thrust attack pattern. "Nobody ever listens." Ranma bounced off Ryouga's head just a moment before a bokken cracked in half on meeting that skull. "It's like all that training I get at the dojo. You wouldn't believe half the crap I have to dodge in the morning." Do the splits under Ryouga's umbrella thrust, uppercut.   
  
---------  
  
"Ranma, I'd like you to meet a very good friend of mine, we met several years ago and she's... a lot nicer than her reputation." Mulan indicated the girl with her.  
  
"The infamous Ranma Saotome, I was beginning to wonder if you really existed. Mulan and a number of the Tendo girls helped me through some dark times, if you hurt them, I will get even."  
  
"Kodachi! It's nothing like that," Mulan made a dismissing gesture. "Ranma has a little problem expressing himself. That's all. Take a look at the father that raised him and you'll forgive relatively small faults."  
  
"Perhaps," said Kodachi Kuno. "If you can forgive me my deranged brother, I can forgive your father to some extent. In any case, the movie starts shortly. Shall we?"  
  
---------  
  
Ariel sighed. She knew she couldn't go out on a regular date, she had to worry about drying out among other things.  
  
Ranma + cold water = Ranma-chan. Who at this point was trying to figure out what the heck to even talk about with Ariel since they had so little in common. Sure, she was cute, but so were most of the girls.  
  
Ranma paused in rowing the boat. Come to think of it, there were only a few of Soun's daughters he had anything in common with and could have a reasonable conversation with. Get along with - most of them fell into that category.  
  
Tifa, Morrigan, Misato, Makoto, Asuka, the younger of the two Rei - all were pretty good martial artists. Nowhere near his level, of course. Well, maybe Tifa and Morrigan.   
  
Ariel interrupted. "Deep thinking?"  
  
"Yeah, I..." Ranma winced as he noticed what was on the boat heading their way.  
  
"I'll get that mermaid yet!" Cruella DeVille called out from her boat. "I'll dine on her flesh and become immortal!"  
  
"I'm not into girl+girl," yelled back Ariel, deliberately misunderstanding. "Meet you back at the docks, Ranma."  
  
---------  
  
Maleficent chuckled as the Heartless poured past her in their hordes.   
  
Captain Hook had been soundly defeated by Ranma and his crew. Ursula had ended up sashimi. Jafar had been turned into a genie and stuffed in a lamp.  
  
She was different though. There would be no evading her forces, and while they were busy with the Heartless, she would take the Princesses and...  
  
"Ahem!"  
  
Maleficent was a Disney character, they did not normally form a large sweatdrop. She did. Slowly and with a certain villainous elegance, she turned.  
  
Ranma cracked his knuckles. Mulan whirled her sword through a quick manuever and held it ready. Saturn brandished her Silence Glaive. Pluto held her Time Key Staff ready. Sailor Neptune checked her hair in the Neptune Mirror. Morrigan smirked and formed a ball of purple lightning.   
  
Maleficent blinked.  
  
Misato clicked the safety on a BFG. Aerith held up the bracelet with her Summon materia. Cinderella looked unhappy. Tifa was grinning and adjusting her "goon smacking" gloves. Sailor Mars held a handful of ofuda/spirit wards. Jasmine was making a couple of experimental passes with a scimitar. Asuka and Rei Ayanami-Tendo had matching assault rifles. Ariel was in her wheelchair and holding a harpoon gun. Pretty Sammy had her ribbon out.  
  
Maleficent pursed her lips thoughtfully.  
  
Shampoo held her sword. Ukyo readied her spatula. Sailor Uranus looked perturbed. Tatewaki Kuno looked bewildered. Kodachi had her clubs out.  
  
"You cannot stop me," said Maleficent. "Behold my power! I..."  
  
Yuffie and Rikku ran away, holding the witch's staff and power orb.  
  
"DIE!" The witch began summoning her power.  
  
An awful lot of attack phrases were used.  
  
----------  
  
The Ranma at Mimir's Well groaned as everyone began a chorus of "Ding Dong, the witch is dead."  
  
Toltiir shrugged. "Disney characters. You have to expect a musical number every so often."  
  
"So who do I end up with in *this* mess," grumbled Ranma.  
  
"Her," indicated the cat.  
  
Ranma fainted as the song "Under The Sea" began playing.  
  
==========  
  
(1) Shinobu Maehara from "Love Hina". Lillith and Morrigan from "Dark Stalkers". Makoto Kino/Sailor Jupiter Hotaru Tomoe/Sailor Saturn Setsuna Meiou/Sailor Pluto Michiru Kaioh/Sailor Neptune from "Sailor Moon." Asuka, Rei, and Misato are from "Evangelion". Various Disney Princesses and Final Fantasy characters their respective sources. Sasami from Tenchi Muyo.  
  
Admittedly, unless Ariel gets legs the match wouldn't work. In the meantime, Ranma's protective instincts are likely to reach out for this wheelchair bound girl, ne? 


	30. Elle 12

Elle 1/2, an omake based on an idea at http://addventure.bast-enterprises.de  
  
-------  
  
The Ranma at Mimir's Well grumbled and whined.  
  
"Could be worse," offered Bacchus. "Offer you some wine?"  
  
"Akane's the only one for me," griped Ranma.  
  
"Even after she killed your kid, blamed you, and ran off with Ryouga, before she was committed to a sanitarium, you remain faithful to her," Bacchus summed up with a smile. "Constancy. Honor. Faithfulness. Man, you're a weenie."  
  
Ranma blinked. "Huh?"  
  
"You want an interesting match, check out this timeline," Bacchus made a gesture.  
  
------------  
  
"Oh come on, the 'catfist'?" The stranger looked over Genma and the pit and rolled his eyes. "Are you an idiot or just a moron?"  
  
"I'm an idiot!" Genma said angrily, then stopped. Wait a minute.  
  
The stranger looked over the boy and seemed to see something that made him smile. "You want to train him in unbeatable martial arts, give me a year with him."   
  
"One week," countered Genma.  
  
"Nine months."  
  
"One month."  
  
"Six months."  
  
"Deal, now about payment," began Genma.  
  
"I'll give you this," said the stranger, holding up a wad as thick as a panda's paws of yen notes, "if you throw in an engagement for him to marry my daughter."  
  
Genma blinked. With *that* he'd be rich! Besides, it wasn't anything he hadn't done before! "Done! My son is only five years old, however."  
  
"Not a problem, just sign here." The man held out a pen and contract. After a brief hesitation and many looks at the cash, Genma signed. It wasn't like he planned on keeping the agreement.  
  
Genma paused after signing. "This your name? It doesn't look Japanese."  
  
"It's not," agreed the man. "The name's Corellon Larethian. I'll be in touch."  
  
--------  
  
"Who's the kid?" One of the other elven gods asked.  
  
"You know how I've been after one of my daughters to drop the 'maiden' from her name? How she's rejected everyone from the elven pantheon - including Hanali and you know how hard she can be to turn down."  
  
"Eilistraee? Yeah, she's in that war against your ex-wife."  
  
"I've just engaged her to this boy," indicated Corellon.  
  
Elves do not spit take. It isn't elegant or dignified. Neither do elven gods. Therefore this was an optical illusion of some sort. "WHAT?!"  
  
"He's got a year here, before he's re-inserted into his original timeline six months after his departure," said the smirking Father Of All Elves. "He'll learn bow and sword and woodcraft from the best. When he returns, his father will seek to make him a master of unarmed fighting."  
  
"Does *she* know yet?"  
  
"She'll find out any -"  
  
"FATHER?!!"  
  
Corellon smirked.  
  
--------  
  
many years later  
  
Ranma sighed as he got ready to enter the house. This just absolutely stunk. Here he'd rescued Nabiki from a fall, now Akane was mad and switched the engagement to Nabiki and everyone was saying it was his fault and now he'd just gotten belted outside. "Stupid tomboy."  
  
"Remember."  
  
Ranma blinked and a woman seemed to solidify out of the shadows. "Who?"  
  
The woman put the hood down on her cloak, revealing black skin, white hair, and eyes that seemed yellow. "Be at peace, Ranma. Do you remember the woods of mist and shadow, where you learned of sword and bow?"  
  
Ranma looked at her then at the pointed ears and got a bit more excited. "Yeah, yeah! That was uhm that was."  
  
"Where you and I were engaged?" The woman said softly but the voice carried.  
  
"Engaged?!" Akane accidently snapped her chopsticks.  
  
"Excuse me, but *what* are you?" Nabiki asked as this girl didn't look like your typical downtown Tokyo-ite.  
  
"My name is Eilistraee, the Dark Maiden. Patron of good drow. Goddess of the dance, swordsmanship, and... are you challenging me?"  
  
Akane realized she was stalking towards them but then realized she had signed over Ranma to Nabiki. "See if I care! It's *your* problem, Nabiki."  
  
"Hey, uh, wait a minute, that is," Ranma began trying to find a way to rescue this situation. "It ain't my fault."  
  
"You're not *that* much a prize, Ranma Saotome. This was my father's deal with *your* father."  
  
"GENMAAA!" Soun raged.  
  
"You have twelve fiancees - most arranged for you by Genma," said the drow, "you should consider your choices carefully."  
  
"Twelve?!" Ranma yelped.  
  
"Twelve?" Soun began to get angry.  
  
"Twelve?" Nabiki repeated as she considered methods of profiting off of this. Wait. Replay. "You're a 'goddess'?!"  
  
"Hah!" Akane said.  
  
*crickle* *crackle* *BOOM!*  
  
"Akane! Your skin! Your hair! Your ears!"  
  
Akane blinked. "What about me?! Look at you Nabiki!"  
  
"Oh my oh my oh dear!"  
  
"I do not care for people calling me a liar," said Eilistraee. "Just a helpful lesson. When you are dealing with a god or a goddess, even if you disagree with them, be polite."  
  
Nabiki was looking at herself in the mirror. "What-"   
  
Ranma was reduced to boggling.  
  
"You're all elves. I *could* have made you all drow but I understand that drow get a poor reception in some areas. Therefore, one wood elf, one sea elf, and one winged elf. Nice set don't you think?"  
  
Kasumi experimentally flapped her wings, went out to the porch, and started flying around the yard.  
  
"K-k-kasumi!" Soun stared about briefly then focussed on the stranger. "How dare you?"  
  
"Because I am a goddess of the drow. Don't worry. It's temporary." Eilistraee turned to Ranma. "We're going out on a date tomorrow. Be ready at eight."  
  
"Wait a minute," said the sea elf, "he's my fiancee."  
  
"By a verbal agreement, whereas my father has a written contract that includes a clause to negate previous arrangements." Eilistraee pondered the two elves. "Now, don't you think this is better than starting some pointless martial arts battle?"  
  
Akane stood up, a green flush showing on her cheeks. "Go ahead Ranma, see if I care!"  
  
Eilistraee just cocked an eyebrow.  
  
"You want to go out with some kuronin tramp! Have urk!"  
  
"The 'blackskin' I'll admit to, Akane Tendo. 'Tramp' I do not." Eilistraee's eyes narrowed as she took a step back, having just gotten in Akane's face. "As I understand it, in this land it is customary to challenge those who besmirch your name in battle. Therefore I challenge you."  
  
"Fine, we'll settle this now," said Akane, ignoring the little voice saying this wasn't Ranma's fault and the other little voice that was saying this *really* wasn't a good idea. "'Goddess' my foot. You're another Amazon bimbo, I'll bet!"  
  
Eilistraee drew her sword. "Fine. Shall we dance? If I win, you shall retract your words."  
  
"Hah! When I win, you'll pack up and leave," said Akane confidently. This girl wasn't even in a Kendo or fencing stance. This would be easy.  
  
"B-b-but?!" Soun began looking at the two ready to fight, and up at where Kasumi was cleaning the eaves of the house while hovering.   
  
[I'm just a cute little panda.]  
  
"Akane, you *might* want to reconsider this." Nabiki wasn't sure the girl was a kami. If she *was* then this could be short and extremely one sided.  
  
"Yaahhhhhhh!" Akane's answer was to rush forward, ready to smash this smirking girl.  
  
Ranma was ready to try leaping in between the two and stopping this.  
  
Eilistraee quickly saluted her opponent with the sword, then thrust. Quickly and precisely.  
  
Everyone stared.  
  
Akane saw the blade go into her chest, felt the cold length of it, felt the hole in the back of her gi as it penetrated that as well. She stumbled to a halt, knowing she was dead.  
  
Eilistraee withdrew the blade. "Well, Miss Tendo?"  
  
Akane's hands went to the neat slice in the front of her gi, then checked the back. Confirming the holes, she turned her attention to the unbroken flesh. "What?"  
  
"Would you have rather I killed you? A far simpler thing. Will you now retract your words?" Eilistraee waited a moment for an answer.   
  
"What exactly did you do?" Nabiki asked.  
  
"I have taken her life," answered the drow. "Unless I receive an apology immediately or a suitable substitute, she will become my handmaiden in this world. You don't seem to have elves of any sort and that's really not good. Besides, part of the deal that Genma Saotome signed was for the establishment of a race of good aligned drow on this world."  
  
"Good?" Akane lifted a tearful face up. "You call *this* good?"  
  
"My dear, you could have apologized. My chief opponent would have eaten your liver after killing the rest of your family in front of your eyes." Eilistraee let out a deep breath. "I do wish I could find a better handmaiden."  
  
"I'll do it." Nabiki admittedly had an ulterior motive, but one major one was that Akane was thinking with her pride - and would likely never apologize.  
  
Eilistraee considered briefly. "A bit more mercenary than I'd prefer, but done."  
  
------------  
  
There had been attempts to get Ranma to take Akane out on a date and not be at the dojo when the drow came.  
  
There had been attempts to purify the currently drow elf Nabiki at a shinto shrine.  
  
There had been attempts to browbeat or marry off Ranma prior to the date.  
  
There had been arrows appearing in the household. Cutting through newspapers, taking off the hat of a priest, pinning the crotch of Mister Saotome's gi to the wall of the dojo, and otherwise not actually hurting anyone but reminding them that people who live with paper walls shouldn't annoy marksmen.  
  
Nabiki found a book on her desk detailing the faith, rituals, holy observances, and spells. A note pointed out that if she *had* to think of it in monetary terms - priests could often make a fair living.  
  
The school had been rather put off by Nabiki the dark elf. Kuno had proclaimed that her inner darkness had been revealed. Kuno had seven arrows pulled out of his buttocks over the course of the day.  
  
Akane and Kasumi had woke up returned to human. Akane was ecstatic. Kasumi considerably less so.  
  
And at eight o clock, Ranma found that his ropes had been cut through and a dark maiden quietly took his hand. "Saotome, I had expected more from you."  
  
"But I..." Ranma slumped. Didn't anyone care what he had to say?  
  
"Ranma, you need to make your own decisions." The elf said to him as they walked. "You can choose myself, or Ukyo, or Shampoo, or Kodachi, or Bast, or Ami, or Hotaru or... Something wrong?"  
  
"Who?" Ranma twitched, suddenly remembering the mention of other fiancees.  
  
Eilistraee snapped her fingers. Nabiki appeared.  
  
"Nabiki make a note. Ranma Saotome has twelve seperate engagements. Those arranged by Genma are: myself, the Tendo-Saotome merger, the Daikokuji arrangement, Ukyo Kuonji, Hotaru Tomoe, Ami Mizuno, and the Egyptian goddess Bast. Until he actively denies it publicly, Kodachi Kuno's engagement must be considered valid. Arranged by his grandfather and the clan head of family Mano is an engagement to a Yohko Mano. Arranged by his mother and *her* mother was an engagement to the Kino family." Eilistraee considered the stars briefly. "The remaining two only come into play if Ranma is stuck as a girl."  
  
"Pops arranged for me to marry a guy," said Ranma softly. "He needs his head examined."  
  
"He needs to be taught a lesson, what a pity that you'll never bring yourself to actually teach him that lesson," Eilistraee put in.  
  
"What are these from, anyway?" Nabiki looked up. "I'll put these down in a table for reference later."  
  
"Myself was 11 years ago with an undisclosed amount of yen and learning bow and sword techniques that would make him unbeatable in either category. His healing factor also comes from that. The Tendo arrangement resulted 19 years ago from an agreement made during their training under Happosai. Kuonji was a dowry - an okonomiyaki yattai also 11 years ago. Daikokuji - a bowl of rice and three pickles 15 years ago. Tomoe was an agreement he made in High School with a friend. Mizuno was payment for medical bills accrued when dumping his child into a pit of cats. Bast was payment for the Shadowcat, a demonic spirit that manifests the true Cat Fist, not getting involved. Mano was a claim made in similar circumstance to the Tendo arrangement, 52 years ago. The Kino arrangement - 21 years ago while Ranma's mother was graduating High School." Eilistraee considered the fair briefly. "Nabiki, return to your home."  
  
Nabiki vanished, wondering why she was so quickly dismissed.  
  
"Ranma, try not to get too involved," advised the goddess.  
  
"Huh?" Ranma wondered what was going on.  
  
"Hello," said a slinky goddess. "You wouldn't believe the formalities in Heliopolis. It's not like this the first time I've taken a mortal lover for a few decades."  
  
"Hah?!" Ranma wondered why he wasn't freaking out at the catgirl.  
  
"I'm the goddess of cats and sensual pleasure," said Bast. "I don't want you to be scared of cats. Therefore - you're not."  
  
"Oh," said Ranma, accepting that.  
  
"STOP RIGHT THERE!"  
  
"I was wondering when the floor show would start," murmurred the drow goddess.  
  
"Usagi, let's go, NOW," said Luna on seeing the two girls below.  
  
"Minako-chan, let's tiptoe away quietly while apologizing a lot," suggested Artemis.  
  
Sailor Neptune began puzzling over the appearance of one and stopped as their eyes met across the distance. Suddenly she KNEW. She'd seen representations at enough museums after all. "Maybe we ought to listen to your advisors."  
  
This coming from Neptune drew more response than the sudden turnabout from the mooncats.  
  
"What kinda silly damn costumes are those? Skating outfits?" Ranma was puzzled by this scene to say the least.  
  
"BURNING MANDALA!" Mars wasn't sure what was going on but a quick Burning Mandala ought to-  
  
-fizzle about halfway there.  
  
"Was that a chi attack?" Ranma was suddenly fascinated. He had to learn that. Next time Ryouga came around, boy would *he* get a surprise.  
  
"JUPITER THUNDER-" "WORLD-"  
  
Bast opened a little metal cylinder, pointing it at the Senshi.  
  
Eilistraee groaned. "Let me guess. A 'neko can'?"  
  
Bast smirked.  
  
"EEEEEEKKK!"  
  
"I told you this wasn't a good idea," a black furred catgirl said as she covered herself.  
  
"I knew this wouldn't be good," a white furred catboy said as he covered himself.  
  
"We're... catgirls?!" Sailor Moon summed up. Then, of course, she fainted.  
  
Eilistraee cleared her throat. "Ami Mizuno, Hotaru Tomoe, Makoto Kino. I'd like you to meet your mutual fiance, Ranma Saotome. Now that we've got the preliminary genre misunderstanding fight out of the way, can we sit and discuss this reasonably?"  
  
----------  
  
Akane twitched. "*MORE* fiancees?"  
  
"Worse, apparently the Cat Fist normally involves 'demonic possession' as well as insanity." Nabiki smirked. "There are times I am *so* glad I didn't become a martial artist."  
  
Akane looked at her blackskinned/white haired sister and for once didn't say anything.  
  
Soun considered.  
  
Ranma wasn't around.  
  
Genma began to feel nervous for no apparent reason.  
  
"Saotome, when you meant to honor the Tendo-Saotome arrangement, did you perhaps have plans to go home and father a lot more children?" Soun asked very calmly and carefully, as if something nasty might happen if he did not.  
  
"No, Tendo, I was pretty busy teaching Ranma the Art." Genma grabbed another beer. It was unusually warm tonight.  
  
"I see."  
  
"Well, I can't marry Ranma, I have too much to lose if I oppose a goddess. You can have him back, Akane."  
  
Akane glared at Nabiki. "WHY WOULD I WANT HIM?!"  
  
"Don't bellow, Akane. Elves have sensitive ears."  
  
"Oh really, Nabiki?" Kasumi pleasantly sipped at her tea. "What else is different? There were a few things I noticed from my brief freedo... time as a winged elf, but I'd like to hear more."  
  
"I've been reading the book. Did you know a drow elf life expectancy is at least 300 years? Winged elves live 150 on average but there are some types that live closer to 800 years," said Nabiki with a smirk. "Most of that time you look young, it's only until your last half-century that age catches up with your appearance. Elves are also naturally graceful and skilled in magic. Kind of like those ones in the Tolkein books."  
  
Akane began tuning the whole thing out. That baka had extra fiancees. Baka. Stupid Ranma making her worry.  
  
----------  
  
"So when are you going to..." Elegant catgirl Neptune flicked her tail to indicate what she wanted fixed.   
  
"Try dropping your Senshi transformation, Kaioh-san," indicated Eilistraee.  
  
Catgirl Neptune became Michiru Kaioh. She looked relieved.  
  
"I've decided," said Bast. "You need new members."  
  
"Eh?!"  
  
Reaction to this ranged from Usagi's "we-get-new-friends" enthusiasm to Haruka's "how can we trust anyone who turned us into purring catgirls" scowl.  
  
Bast concentrated and a pen formed in her hand. "Hmmm. Too easily lost." The pen turned into a brooch. "Too obvious." The brooch turned into an Egyptian style bracelet. "Better."  
  
"Uhm," Hotaru considered pointing out that she was an excellent choice for Sailor Catgirl since the idea of being "the Sailor of Cute And Cuddly" had uses that "the Sailor of Silence And Death" just couldn't quite manage. Being able to switch from one to the other at need sounded like it would be an improvement.  
  
"I'll have to find someone to be my champion," considered Bast. "Someone who'd like a powerup. Someone who'd be a good choice for a hero. Someone who doesn't mind getting into fights."  
  
Ranma gulped as he realized everyone was looking at him. "Uh uh. I ain't wearing no sailor suit."  
  
"As a side effect, while you're wearing the bracelet, you won't change due to your Jusenkyo curse."  
  
(SNATCH!)  
  
Eilistraee frowned. "Hardly fair, Bast."  
  
"Never gunna be a girl again," sang Ranma, clicking the bracer into place and changing. "Hey what?!"  
  
"A tigerman?!" Makoto realized she was drooling and stopped herself with effort. "So, uhm, do you mind if I call you sempai?"  
  
"While you wear the bracer, you can switch at will to a rather buff and virile humanoid tiger form," explained Bast. "Granting you some supernatural strength and access to your Catfist abilities. Of course, if you're in girl form and you put on the bracer, you'll transform into a tigress."  
  
Ranma shrugged. Like he was gonna take the bracer off.  
  
"Then I suppose I'll have to choose a champion," Eilistraee began. "Ah. Just the person."  
  
----------  
  
"SHAMPOO KILL! MEOW MEOW meow... meow?!" The kitten abruptly realized that she was way over her head.  
  
"So, what do you think, Cologne-san?" Bast smiled at her first choice for Priestess.  
  
Cologne smiled back. It paid to be polite to goddesses. "What of Shampoo's claim on Ranma?"  
  
Bast made a dismissing gesture. "Don't forget who you're talking to. If Shampoo wants to be cut in, she's in. Just lose the attitude."  
  
"meow?" Shampoo tried to figure out what they were talking about. They knew she'd figured it out when her ears went flat and the fur along her spine fluffed. "MEOW!!!"  
  
Cologne weighed the problems, the benefits, and the potential hazards. "Does your involvement and the other involvements mean..."  
  
"Probably Lolth won't bother to do more than send a champion, same with Set," Bast explained. "Yes, they *will* be coming. Plan on allying with them instead?"  
  
Cologne considered the chances of getting a fair shake from a God Of Evil. "Well, you said something about increasing the number of catgirls and drow? I've got a deal for you."  
  
---------  
  
several months later:  
  
Nabiki answered the phone. "Tendo Residence and Church Of The Dark Maiden. Oh, hi Ami. Uh-huh. Storming a dark palace full of nasties eh? Okay. I'll contact Tigermask and Sailor Housewife. Uh-huh. Uk, uhm, Catgirl's gonna be there too? What about Sham- I mean Sailor Drow? Good good. Yes, I'll pray for you."  
  
Akane grumbled from her seat.  
  
"Kasumi? Ranma?" Nabiki paused at the stairs. "The Sailor Senshi are requesting backup. Are you two available?"  
  
"Oh my!"  
  
===============  
  
that's all folks, it's just an omake. 


	31. spideromake

Amaterasu looked over the pool. "No Kodachi matchups?"  
  
Toltiir gestured. "You want to see a Kodachi story?"  
  
"Not really, no," whined the Ranma who'd recently tried to beat an Elder god into giving him a favor. Which explained why he was currently 24cm tall and in a bird cage.  
  
--------  
  
Little Kodachi Kuno sniffled. Looking for meaning in her life after a common thug had killed her mother, she wandered here.  
  
One of the Kuno labs, where Papa-san was known to do some strange things.  
  
"Miss Kuno," said the little bucktoothed ninja. "You shouldn't be in here. Your father is experimenting with genetic splicing and radioactivity here. Very dangerous."  
  
Kodachi glared at the frequent guardian of the Kuno children. "I know. A spider just bit me."  
  
"Oh dear!" Sasuke said. "Well, let's get you cleaned up."  
  
-------  
  
SPIDERGIRL, an omake by Gregg Sharp  
  
"Spidergirl, Spidergirl,  
A kunoichi with a twirl,  
Spins a web - any size,  
Catches thieves, just like flies,  
Look out - here comes the Spidergirl."  
  
"Is she strong? Listen bud,  
she's got radioactive blood!  
Villains out, spreading crime,  
with the speed of light,  
She'll arrive just in time!"  
  
"Hey there, here comes the Spidergirl!"  
  
--------  
  
"WHAT?! How exactly does this make her less nutzoid?!"  
  
Toltiir looked up at the Ranma in the birdcage. "Simple. The Kuno family has a genetic anomaly that causes insanity. However in Nerima that's hardly as noticeable as it would be outside that area, right? She just received a massive jolt to her system. She's also been 'rewarded by the Heavens' to 'pursue a sacred duty' and act in the manner of a samurai by protecting the weak and punishing the wicked. So she's a little less crazy and channels what's left in an entirely new direction."  
  
--------  
  
"Kodachi! Hi!" Akane called out. "You wouldn't believe what just happened to me!"  
  
"You were engaged against your will to the son of a vagrant martial artist?" Kodachi guessed.  
  
"You heard, huh?" Akane shook her head. "He is *such* a jerk. In a way he's as creepy as that Spidergirl!"  
  
"I don't know, Akane, some ninja girl running around beating guys up? From what I'd heard of you, I'd have thought you'd approve of her," suggested Kodachi with a smile.  
  
"Hah! Okay, the beating up lowlifes and Yakuza I can get behind," admitted Akane. "But the whole spider ninja thing is entirely too creepy."  
  
Kodachi shrugged. "To some degree, I must agree with you. For such as ourselves, with noble samurai ancestry, to associate with a ninja would be scandalous."  
  
"That's not quite the point," said Akane, aware they'd had this conversation before. "Anyway did you hear about the diamond smugglers?"  
  
"Oh, please Akane. Such a boorish topic. Tell me more about this fiance of yours instead." Kodachi smiled at her clueless, if nice, friend.  
  
Akane scowled.  
  
-------  
  
Ranma stared as Akane walked away with that other girl. He was hidden. He was sure of it. Yet this other girl had looked directly at him and *smirked.*  
  
He was also getting conflicting signals from her. Something told him she was really good at fighting, but the girl sure didn't act like she was ready for a fight. He'd have to keep a close eye on her.  
  
------  
  
Two days later:  
  
Spidergirl fell, the spreading numbness from the gas causing her to miss a handhold. Thwip!  
  
Not that that really mattered when you had your handy dandy webshooters.  
  
Snag!  
  
Spidergirl blinked behind her mask as she was lifted up by a powerfully built male physique.  
  
"Don't worry, I gotcha!"  
  
Spidergirl politely didn't point out that she had a webline to the next building.  
  
"This is too dangerous for girls," pointed out Ranma.  
  
*WHAM!* *splash!*  
  
Using spider-speed and spider-strength to knock Akane's fiance out of the path of several poison-tipped throwing knives, Spidergirl felt that there might be some merit to the statement. If one were not granted such boons as the aforementioned speed, strength, and ability to sense incoming danger.  
  
"You watch out, whoever you are," said Spidergirl called after Ranma.  
  
A redhaired girl leapt onto the rooftop. "HEY! Whatta ya mean knocking me into the water?!"  
  
Thwip! Spidergirl sent a webline out. "They're getting away. Better go home... you're a girl now?"  
  
"Oh hell," said the girl, looking at her shirt, then back at the now dwindling form of the ninja.  
  
Spidergirl loved this part, a highspeed chase over the rooftops, speeding along in an acrobatic blur of motion that was as much of an adrenalin rush as one of velocity.  
  
There! The van was coming to a stop at a red light.  
  
(pant!) (wheeze!) (gasp!) "you're... pretty fast."  
  
"Shhhh. They'll hear us," Spidergirl indicated. Though she was a little impressed. This was hardly a normal girl if she could keep up with her for very long.  
  
(pant!) (gasp!) "...who?!..."  
  
"Slaver ring, they've been kidnapping young girls and smuggling them off to Hong Kong," whispered Spidergirl. "Once they reveal their headquarters, I can deal with the viper in its nest."  
  
(gasp!) "...oh..." (wheeze!)  
  
"There they go," said Spidergirl, getting ready to spring into action again.  
  
(gulp!) "No way. It's too dangerous for..." Ranma watched the girl moving off into the distance. "Okay, maybe *some* girls aren't exactly weak and fragile."  
  
----------  
  
One month later:  
  
"So you do this all the time, Kodachi?"  
  
Spidergirl knew he'd been there, the accusation was a surprise however. "I'm Spidergirl, the ninja who strikes for justice. I don't have a 'little long sword'."  
  
"I know it's you, Kodachi. I'm good enough at the Art I can tell that kinda thing," said Ranma.   
  
"I don't have time for whatever you're pushing," said Spidergirl. "That vehicle over there is being used by the Yakuza to ferry narcotics into the area. Worse, supposedly they have a 'gaijin tarento' (foreign talent) by the name of Bullseye."  
  
"I don't... He any good?"  
  
"Supposed to be a professional assassin. Anything that comes to hand is a deadly weapon for him. Knows some strange martial art, possibly a unique one." Spidergirl pointed. "That unsavory looking fellow in spandex is likely him."  
  
Ranma blinked. "Okay. When do we strike?"  
  
---------  
  
Mimir's Well:  
  
Ranma groaned. Toltiir snickered. Not many Elder gods could get away with snickering.  
  
Images skidded past the surface of the Well.  
  
Spidergirl swinging into combat with thugs, Yakuza, and supervillains.  
  
A reluctantly masked Ranma Saotome as "Martial Arts Guy" (before Kodachi was finally able to get him to change his costumed name to Striker and his twin sister Kicker) getting some decent fights in against thugs, Yakuza, and the occasional supervillain.  
  
Shampoo shows up, gets kidnapped by Electro, rescued by Striker, finds out that Striker is Ranma is the outsider girl. Finds out that Akane is really upset about Ranma being gone most nights, and determines that she enjoys beating up stupid outsider men - particularly supervillain types. Mountain Girl starts showing up.  
  
An adventure involving Spidergirl, Thor, Striker, and Doctor Strange ending up with Ranma cured of the Catfist - except that he now powers up into a weretiger he now calls Tigerboy (causing looks of disgust from everyone else as he declares this.) His cure for the Jusenkyo curse lasts until Mousse splashes him with Spring Of Drowned Duck water, causing his old Jusenkyo curse to renew. Brief scene of Ranma beating the holy heck out of Mousse.  
  
Cologne shows up, determines why Shampoo is still in Japan and thinks the whole thing is good training. Opens the Cat Curio Shop to perform a support role and hope that these experiences broaden Shampoo's horizons enough to eventually lead the tribe.  
  
Spidergirl, Mountain Girl, and Tigerboy discover Spatgirl. Spatgirl finds a relationship going between Tigerboy and Spidergirl. Spatgirl starts going into vengeance mode, only to be rescued when she's kidnapped by Akuma No Oni. Spatgirl spends a lot of time thinking about this then going after a mysterious panda sighted in the Nerima area and committing serious panda abuse.  
  
Akane begins to warm up to the idea of Spidergirl not being a bad guy after the fourth "everyone get together and rescue Akane from this latest magical prince/supervillain/Yakuza thug" incident. At which point she figures out who Tigerboy is. Violence commences and Ranma is thrown out of the Tendo dojo.  
  
Ranma begins living in the Spidercave. The relationship deepens between he and Kodachi. And then...  
  
Toltiir smirked. "That... is a secret." 


	32. Thousand Acre omake

just an omake by Gregg Sharp, with scenes from White Pheonix and feedback from Kender_Sci  
  
omake (japanese: "extra") fanfiction use: refers to a tag at the end of the real story, sometimes a short scene, an outtake, or a spamfic.   
  
-------------  
  
"How bad could it be?" A Ranma grumbled. This particular Ranma had come to this place, Mimir's Well, because it was a point where multiple realities could be viewed easily. After marrying Akane, seeing his child killed, having the marriage break up due to that, having Akane find solace in Ryouga's arms, until the youngest Tendo ended up in a sanitarium, he sought to find an Akane he could take away from the native Ranma. Then he'd found out about a group of simulations being run called "A Worse Father Than Genma" and had gotten peeved.  
  
Toltiir, Elder god of mischief, a being of extreme levels of power, blinked. "Very bad. Or very good. Depending on your viewpoint."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Observe," said the black cat as he showed a favorite timeline of his. "You know how a statue can create a template at Jusenkyo. Witness Rouge as Shiva for an example. Well, this is just the case of a few toys which were lost by a girl named Plum which then tumbled into pools. The Guide kept his daughter away, and now there's a very different fate awaiting Ranma at Jusenkyo."  
  
"Big deal," said Ranma.  
  
"And when the form is of a sort of cat, and you get submerged in a different sort of Catfist." The feline smirked as the image cleared.  
  
"Oh... heck."  
  
-------------  
  
"Oh no! Sir fall in spring that Plum just drop toy in last week! Could have been terrible tragic story!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaa... Well this isn't the Thousand Acre Wood!"  
  
"Ranma?" A splash of hot water had turned Genma back to human but he wasn't sure of what he was looking at.  
  
"Hi! I'm Tigger! That's Tea-Eye-Double Ga-Errr!" The anthropomorphic tiger waved. "Don't suppose you've seen Pooh?"  
  
"What's a 'tigger'?" asked Genma after watching the critter deftly avoid being splashed by hot water from the Guide.  
  
"The wonderful thing about Tiggers  
Is Tiggers are wonderful things  
Their tops are made out of rubber  
Their bottoms are made out of springs  
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy  
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!  
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers   
Is I'm the only one.  
  
"The wonderful thing about Tiggers   
Is Tiggers are wonderful chaps  
They're loaded with vim and with vigor  
They love to leap in your laps  
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy pouncy  
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN  
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers  
Is I'm the only one.  
  
"Tiggers are wonderful fellahs.  
Tiggers are awfully sweet.  
Everyone elses is jealous,   
And thats why I repeat...  
  
"The wonderful thing about Tiggers  
Are Tiggers are wonderful things  
Their tops are made out of rubber  
Their bottoms are made out of springs  
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy  
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!  
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers   
Is I'm the only one.  
  
"Yes, I'm the only one (GRRrrrrrr...) ooOOoooOOooooOOOO!!!"  
  
Genma blinked again as the critter bounced entirely out of the Jusenkyo area and down the road. "Well, that was obviously not Ranma. He's got to be around here somewhere."  
  
------  
  
SPRING OF DROWNED TIGGER REDEAUX, an omake  
  
------  
  
(bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, boing, spring)  
  
"Ah hah, I says to myself," said Tigger/Ranma to himself. "A village. I'll just mosey by and see if they can give me some directions to the Thousand Acre Wood. Ooo hooo hooo hooooo!"  
  
(bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, boing, spring)  
  
-----  
  
After having knocked Shampoo unconscious (by bouncing off her head) and landing in the village asking for directions to something called the "Thousand Acre Wood" - Cologne had asked what he was. Which had been followed by asking what a 'Tigger' was.  
  
Which, of course, was followed by much bouncing and singing the song depicted two scenes ago.  
  
At which point Shampoo brought out an old battered and raggedy copy of a 1970 Chinese bootleg edition of a Disney Winnie The Pooh storybook and compared the creature currently sitting on her head to the creature in the book. Everyone stared LOTS.  
  
Which was when Lilac's tea got spilled and Tigger turned into Ranma.  
  
Ranma was more than a little startled by this as he never remembered anything that happened when he was under the Nekoken. This had been a little different however and he vaguely remembered something happening. Just not the details.  
  
Shampoo thought about this briefly, but the interrupted Tournament was resumed and she had to put those considerations aside for now.  
  
To make matter worse, while Ranma was off getting the Third Degree from the Elders, some panda started eating the First Prize!  
  
------  
  
"They'll be here any moment," said Soun, waving around the postcard.  
  
"Let me see that," said Nabiki, holding out her hand. Upon receiving it, she held it where she and her sisters could all read it at the same time.  
  
The first part was in poor penmanship. [Tendo. Back from China. Bringing Ranma. -Genma]  
The second part was written in English. [Me too - T.]  
The third part was written in much better handwriting. [Shampoo say hello! Have aspirin ready please.]  
  
(boing)  
  
"What was that?" Nabiki asked.  
  
(boing)  
  
"What was what?" Soun asked.  
  
(boing boing)  
  
"There it is again," said Nabiki.  
  
(boing toing boing bounce)  
  
"It sounds like," began Akane.  
  
(boing bounce toing boing bounce skip hop) "Wooohooo hooo HOOOO!"  
  
"It's getting closer," said Nabiki as she headed for the door.  
  
(bounce boing toing bounce skip grab bounce boing bing hop tumble)  
  
Everyone looked to where Nabiki was currently pounced on by a stuffed tiger.  
  
"Hello," said the tiger, his nose half an inch from Nabiki's startled face. "Name's Tigger. That's Tea - Eye - Double Guh Errrrr. Say. You're cute."  
  
"Huh?!" Nabiki was wondering where this had come from. Also why, how, and a number of other things.  
  
Akane briefly considered, then decided a strange talking tiger sitting on her sister's chest could mean only one thing. She casually picked a stone lantern out of the back yard and brought it down on the little pervert.  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!" Tigger yelped as he leapt back out of the way.  
  
"AAAGGHHHH!" Nabiki screamed as the obvious result occurred.  
  
Looking at the small crater in the Tendo home, from which Nabiki's arms and legs and a heavy stone lantern projected, Akane realized that the pervert critter wasn't there. "Hey, who are you and why were you groping my sister?"  
  
"I'm Tigger and that Saotome guy said I had a fiancee here," Tigger waggled his eyebrows. "Naturally, I wanted to know what a fiancee was."  
  
"That's nice," said Kasumi, recognizing the character. "Would you like some tea, Mister Tigger?"  
  
"Absotively Posilutely," said the agreeable critter. "Now what?"  
  
"You *want* a fiancee?" Akane paused, ready to unleash more outraged feminine wrath.  
  
"Don't mind me," said a voice from within the crater. "I'm fine. Really."  
  
"Of course, I want a fiancee," said Tigger. "It involves bouncing. I love bouncing."  
  
Akane gasped. Kasumi smiled politely and poured tea.  
  
"You like bouncing?" Akane had known this was a pervert, now she was vindicated.   
  
"Bouncing is what Tiggers do best," declared Tigger.  
  
Akane twitched as she sidled around the little creature. She'd smash him flat in just a moment. "Oh really?"  
  
"Yuppers!" Tigger nodded and sat on his tail. "Why, Tiggers are just natural bouncers. I bounce every chance I get."  
  
"Got you!" Akane said, bringing the table down on top of the creature.  
  
Tigger seemed to flatten momentarily between the table and the floor, then spring back the next moment. *BOING*  
  
The table flew into the next room, a very startled looking Akane trailing it like the tail on a kite. *CRASH!*  
  
"...serves you right..." mumbled Nabiki from her crater. "Could someone get this lantern off me?"  
  
Akane staggered back into the room. "What *are* you?"  
  
"I told ya, I'm Tigger!" insisted Tigger.  
  
"What's a Tigger?"   
  
(cue song, see lyrics above, lots of bouncing and pouncing)  
  
"You engaged Nabiki to a Tigger?" Akane demanded of her father, having a sudden inspiration.  
  
"Oh my, Father, that was nice. I'll get the formal teaset," declared Kasumi, making a note to also hide breakables.  
  
"excuse me?" said a voice within a crater.  
  
"Waaaaa! My little girl is getting married from her deathbed!"  
  
"Excuse please!"   
  
"Growf!"  
  
"Oh my, more visitors," said Kasumi, who wasn't all that surprised to see some young girl and a pet panda after meeting Tigger. She was just disappointed that Eeyore and Mr. Rabbit weren't along. And Pooh, of course.  
  
--------  
  
Later...  
  
A sleepy Kasumi wandered in her nightgown to the parlor where the rest of the family was having a late night chat. She yawned, clutching a pillow in one arm. "I'm sorry, Mister Tigger, but I'm having trouble getting to sleep. Would you please come share my bed with me?"  
  
"Absotively Posilutely," said the agreeable critter, bouncing up the stairs with her.  
  
"That, that..." Akane gasped, eye twitching.  
  
"My plush toy fiance is cheating on me?" Nabiki gasped. "With my *eldest sister*??"  
  
A song floated down the stairs about Tiggers being cuddlesome critters.  
  
Soun began wailing about his daughters, mommy's little girl, and so on.  
  
Genma, who was already very drunk, had resolved to get more drunk.  
  
Shampoo got up from the table, yawning wearily. She murmurred sleepily. "Is good idea. Shampoo going join them now."  
  
As the family facefaulted, scandalized, the tired Amazon went up the stairs, found the right door by the bouncing sounds behind it, and entered as Tigger concluded his cuddly Tigger song and bounced into bed with the eldest Tendo girl.  
  
Kasumi happily wrapped the plush toy, almost visibly changing back from 'guardian of the household wa' to a cute little four year old girl whose mommy was sure to be around watching over her. She sucked her thumb.  
  
Shampoo also seemed to regress from village champion to little girl as she just lifted the covers to crawl in and grasp Tigger's other side.  
  
----  
  
Kuno paused. "You're a little orange tiger. And you're marrying that soulless mercenary Nabiki Tendo? That Yakuza wannabe?"  
  
"Yup," said Tigger. "She doesn't bounce so good just now, but I'll make her a great bouncer!"  
  
Kuno turned red and then white and then back to red. "You've done what with her?"  
  
Tigger bounced past Kuno. "Yup. She'll be even better at bouncing than that Akane girl in hardly any time. Just watch."  
  
Kuno blinked, turning white again. "Akane... has... you... I... what?!"  
  
Tigger bounced all the way to the classroom. "Dis must be the place. Ooohooo hooo HOOOO!"  
  
--------  
  
Kuno sat at his desk, the very picture of despair. "Akane has given her virginity to an animated plush toy?"  
  
Unfortunately he said this while class was in session. It got very quiet in the classroom thereafter.  
  
--------  
  
A haggard and haunted Nabiki, at school surrounded by curious classmates, halted all conversation as she whispered in dull monotones. "Kasumi won't go to bed without Tigger anymore."  
  
Downstairs, a haunted Akane also whispered to a stunned class. "That chinese floozy and my sister... together with Tigger..."  
  
Kuno wandered the halls, his eyes glazed while constantly muttering. "A plush toy has stolen the virginity of my dear Akane..."  
  
----  
  
Girl's Gym Class:  
  
"Hello, students. We'll be having a new assistant instructor today."  
  
(bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, boing, spring)  
  
Nabiki found herself lying on her back with her plush fiance's furry nose barely an inch from hers. "Hello. Name's Tigger. That's Tea - Eye - Double Guh Errrrr for those that don't know, ya' know. Today we'll have a class on Bouncing!"  
  
Blushing furiously, the girls of the class all tried to excuse themselves.  
  
"Wait a minute," said Midori mere moments after Nabiki had fainted. "That's *Tigger*!"  
  
"Woo hoo hoo HOOOO, that's right!" (cue song, bouncing off heads and all available horizontal surfaces.)  
  
"Ohhhhhhhhh," said the Girl's Gym Class.  
  
"We'll leave Miss Tendo right here-like," suggested Tigger. "I think she's gotta delicate constitutional or something. Follow me!" (bounce, bounce, sproing, boing, bing, bong, spring, pounce) "Like that! GRRrrrrrr... ooOOoooOOooooOOOO!!!"  
  
------  
  
Later:  
  
On finding herself in the Nurse's office, Nabiki had rushed back to class.  
  
She was beginning to wish she hadn't.  
  
"Bouncing is FUN," said Midori. "Kind of tiring though."  
  
Nabiki twitched.  
  
Natsuki agreed. "My legs and butt hurt, but it was just so much fun today."  
  
Nabiki twitched some more.  
  
Ayako rubbed her lower back. "My goodness. Who'd have thought you'd get such a good workout from something like THAT."  
  
Nabiki twitched LOTS.  
  
"Hey, Nabiki, hope you're feeling better," said Midori, for once caring about the mercenary icequeen. After all, if she were engaged to *Tigger* there had to be a side to Nabiki Tendo that nobody had seen before. "You are SO lucky to have a fiance like Tigger."  
  
"Yeah, I wish *my* boyfriend could be half that cuddly and energetic," agreed Ayako.  
  
"She fainted again," pointed out Natsuki.  
  
-------  
  
Tatewaki Kuno was in hell. Or perhaps it would be more proper to say HELL.  
  
"I have been upstaged by a three foot tall talking tiger," mumbled Tatewaki Kuno.   
  
"You're kidding, you were watching?" asked Hiroyuki.  
  
"No kidding. He took the entire girl's gym class for rides, and he had them all bouncing all over the place, it was..." Tetsuo's eyes glazed as he remembered. The music, the bouncing, the giggling, the strange warm and fuzzy sort of atmosphere. "...kinda surreal. Guy's got a lot of energy - he never slowed down."  
  
Tatewaki Kuno fell over as if he had just been turned to wood and chopped down. Why couldn't that have been *him?* "I must smite this villain!"  
  
"Careful he doesn't bounce you," suggested Tetsuo.  
  
"GAK!" The great and noble Tatewaki Kuno felt something unthinkable. Fear.  
  
-------   
  
"Tigger-chan, can you come tuck me in and read to me?" Kasumi called sweetly from the top of the steps. "It's cuddle time again." She smiled charmingly.  
  
"Woo hoo hoo HOOOO!! Hurray!" (Bouncing off of every wall, ceiling, floor and railing as the plush toy responded to the summons).  
  
"Shampoo not miss this, too." (bouncing up the steps herself)  
  
Nabiki cried wet tears down both sides of her face, weeping over the toy she loved cheating so openly on her.  
  
-----  
  
Golden Pair Martial Arts Figure Skating.  
  
"Nabiki! Little Azusa challenges you! The winner keeps Matrina as her own!"  
  
"Land's sakesss," grumbled Tigger. "How can she still not get my name right?"  
  
--------  
  
Nabiki stood outside her sister's door, daring herself to enter. The sounds of bouncing, laughing and giggling was just too hard for her to hear. It went on night after night. She steeled herself, reaching for the Ice Queen and finding only water, it flowed down both her cheeks as she reached out to open the door. Blinded by her tears, she stepped in long enough to sob.  
  
"Tigger... Ranma, I... I *love* you... and, *snif*, if... if you want, I'll... you can go ahead and... *sob*... make love to my sisters and those other girls too. I won't mind, *snif*, just so long as you love me too."  
  
Kasumi and Shampoo, who'd been playing innocent card games with Tigger, looked at each other, then at Tigger (who'd chased a sobbing Nabiki out of the room when she'd fled, trying to cheer her up), and shrugged.  
  
"Work for Shampoo. Glad sister make offer. Very nice-nice."  
  
Kasumi just smiled enigmatically and reached for the bag of marbles. "Shall we play another game till Tigger-chan comes back?"  
  
----  
  
Dr. Tofu steadily and calmly looked over Akane's butt as she leaned forward over the examination table, pants down around her ankles. "Hmm, I'd say that you're not getting enough lower body exercise for the kind of bouncing your trying to do. Jogging just works the muscle groups differently. You might want to go more slowly until you get used to it."  
  
"NO WAY!!!" Akane shouted, standing straight and clenching a fist. "I'LL SHOW HIM!! I'M GOING TO BE THE BEST BOUNCER IN NERIMA!!"  
  
Tatewaki Kuno, leaning against the clinic's outside wall, heard this and continued to cry.  
  
--------  
  
(bounce bounce toing boing spring jump somersault bounce twang bop boink bounce) "Oooo hooo hooo HOOOO!"   
  
Daisuke shook his head at the usual antics going on behind him. Ranma/Tigger had been at the school over a month now and... the little guy just seemed to grow on you - what with that "can do" attitude and somewhat moronic but enthusiastic approach to life.  
  
"Where... is Furinkan High School?"  
  
"You're here," said Daisuke.  
  
Ryouga exclaimed happily. "At last! Now. Where is Ranma Saotome!"  
  
"Well, he's..."  
  
*splash!*  
  
Daisuke looked around. Where was that guy that had been here a moment ago?  
  
"Oh well, hopeless I guess, let me just go and have a sit down."  
  
Daisuke blinked and looked down. A blue plush burro roughly four feet long and a little over two feet high. "EEYORE?!"  
  
"So I'm told," sighed Ryouga heavily. "Don't mind me. I..."  
  
(stampede trample cloud-o-dust)  
  
"IT *IS*!" squealed Midori.  
  
"Uhm, excuse me," sighed Eeyore/Ryouga again dejectedly. "I'll just be going."  
  
"No," corrected Midori with nods from the crowd of girls around her.  
  
"No?" Ryouga said, sure this was going to be another nightmare.  
  
"No," repeated Midori. "You're *way* too cute!" The crowd of girls nodded at this.  
  
"I'm... what?" For Ryouga this was like being told that instead of the expected firing squad, you'd just been issued an invitation to a banquet.  
  
At which point a half dozen young girls grabbed him, hoisted him up, and hauled his plush toy body up to their classroom.  
  
Another sigh escaped his lips. "...damn you, Ranma, it's all your fault I keep getting cuddled by strange mainly cute women..."   
  
Daisuke slowly climbed back to his feet. "I'm getting used to being trampled but Midori really needs to stop wearing those heels. Ouch."  
  
----------  
  
The Black Rose tried to ambush this Furinkan crowd.  
  
Operative word - *tried.*  
  
Every attack was neatly avoided as the girls *bounced* out of the way.  
  
What was worse was that she thought that her own presence had been largely ignored.  
  
"This is intolerable! I shall..." (trip, thud, wham!) trip over a large plush donkey?!  
  
*Weary sigh.* "Sorry about that. My own fault really. Oh the humanity of it."  
  
"How DARE you trip the... Black rose of saint hebere... ke..." Kodachi's violet eyes stared as she took in the sight. There hadn't been a number of pleasant memories of her childhood, but one had just surfaced. When her mother had read to her from a book, and in that book had been. "...eeyore?!"  
  
"So I'm told," sighed Ryouga/Eeyore.  
  
Kodachi twitched. "That's it. I'm done experimenting with black lotus. This is entirely too surreal. Hmmm. That would explain why I couldn't strike the girls, early effects of a hallucination."  
  
"Tell me about it," agreed Ryouga/Eeyore.  
  
"You're obviously some aspect of my own personality viewed through this hallucination," mused Kodachi Kuno. "I think that's how this sort of thing is supposed to work. Probably the innocent child I could have been. So, what bit of wisdom can you impart to me?"  
  
Ryouga/Eeyore ruminated on this briefly. He had to admit that he became a good deal more thoughtful/philosophical in his cursed form and also tended to be more depressed. And while he might rail against the inhumanity of it all, being grabbed up and cuddled by strange girls wasn't quite the horrific curse he often made it out to be. He took one look at the girl and thoughtfully came up with a suggestion. Which, oddly enough, had originated with advice Tigger had given him. "Lighten up. Don't take things too seriously. Go out and have fun once in awhile at least."  
  
Kodachi nodded and vowed to give it a try.  
  
-----  
  
Happosai vs Tigger. Ohh, the pain...  
  
----  
  
(bounce, bounce, bounce)  
  
The students hopped by, over the trees, over the rooftops, in between fences and out of alleys on their ways to school.   
  
(bounce, bounce, bounce)  
  
All of them practically immune to her ladle throws.  
  
(bounce, bounce, bounce)  
  
The ladle lady was washing her walk, flinging the water about in all directions, trying to catch a *single* student. Her daily average had sunk so far she now hit less than each week than she used to in a *morning*!  
  
(bounce, bounce)  
  
  
----  
  
(Boing, boing, bing, sproing, pounce!!)  
  
Ukyo Kuonji lay on her back, looking up at the furry tiger perched on her chest peering at her an inch away from her nose. "Hi! Name's Tigger. That's Tea...."  
  
"Wha.. what... WHAT!!???" The chef on a vengeance quest skittered along backwards she dislodged the plush tiger and managed to end up fifteen feet away with her battle spatula in hands. Hair sproinged, she demanded. "What are YOU!!?"  
  
(cue song, see lyrics above, lots of bouncing and pouncing)  
  
At the end of the song Ukyo found herself face down on the ground with a cute and cuddlesome Tigger perched on the small of her back.  
  
He bent over to poke his head in her face. "Do you know Pooh?"  
  
Ukyo's smudged face scrunched up in a mimic of consternation, but her heart wasn't in it. "No, I'm on a vengeance quest against the man who stole my honor."  
  
"A Quest!!" Tigger shouted excitedly, bouncing her to a sitting position with him in her lap. "That's the sort of thing Pooh would do! Christopher Robin would too! Ooohooo hooo HOOOO!"  
  
-----  
  
Taro brings spring of 'virtuous man' water to splash Happosai, and gets...  
  
----  
  
Miss Hinako Ninomiya sat at the front of the classroom licking on a gigantic sucker while cuddling Eeyore under one arm and Tigger under the other.  
  
A student raised her hand. "Excuse me, miss Hinako?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"We don't think it's fair that *only* you get to cuddle them during classtimes."  
  
----  
  
Nabiki counted her money.  
  
She counted it again.  
  
She glanced over to the dojo, shaking her head at the strange music whistling out from all corners, and the shockingly huge pile of discarded shoes at the entrance.  
  
Her parent, the bum, man most likely to drink himself into a stupor or cry himself to dehydration over everyday events, had managed beyond all odds to give her a fiance with at least three unusual (some would say impossible) talents.  
  
One, he had saved their dojo from financial insolvency without any apparent effort, and was doing more outside the doors; helping out in classes, schoolyards, and just strangers on the street like a walking... err, *bouncing* PR firm.  
  
Two, as a direct consequence of #1, he had, independant of any help from her, completely redeemed her from her Ice Queen persona, saved her reputation, and made her enormously popular.  
  
Three, Kasumi was laughing and giggling all the time, and, she had to admit, Nabiki was doing her share of that too. Even Akane was known to forgive the Tigger's perceived pervertedness on occasion at hearing Kasumi laugh. It was as if the pall of gloom that had hung over their doors from infancy was gone, vamooshed, vanished.  
  
Shampoo had rennovated the front of the Tendo house into a ramen stand and now sold as much volume to the students as the concession stands at a sports stadium. Ukyo had bought the property across the street and now ran an all-night Bouncercize and Eatery.  
  
Nabiki was earning fifteen percent from just sitting on her buttocks, engaged to one of the most cuddlesome cash cows ever imagined.  
  
His panda of a father was laying in a depressed and despairing stupor in his own little corral, as the prime attraction to the neighborhood children's petting zoo.  
  
She shrugged and bounced off to join the class.  
  
========== 


	33. Redemption

omakeomakeomakeomakeOMAKE  
  
REDEMPTION, an omake  
  
---------  
  
"They'll be here any moment," said Soun, waving a letter around.  
  
"So what's he like, this 'Ranma'?" Nabiki wondered if something special was up.  
  
"According to this, they just came from a trip into Tibet where they studied ancient martial arts techniques," said Soun. "They've spent most of the past ten years studying under masters of the various fighting arts in a variety of locations. Shaolin temples, the Temple Of The Gate Of The Moon, the hidden city of Chi'ang Lun, and the ancient Nichieju village in China. They've studied at United States Marine bases and amongst the elders of the Apache, even travelling through Europe and the Netherlands in their search for esoteric secrets of the Art."  
  
"Big deal, so they've travelled some," said Akane, trying to hide her envy of people travelling the world to learn martial arts. Since her family knew her, this was less than successful.  
  
"So, you haven't met Ranma in ten years?" Nabiki tried.  
  
"Actually, I've never met him," indicated Soun. "But look at this..."  
  
"Excuse me, 'never met him'?! You've engaged us to someone you've never met?" Nabiki frowned, not liking this.  
  
"Yes, well, Genma and I had a falling out some years ago." Soun sighed. "It was a silly impulse of his. We had just dealt with... a problem from our own training and we'd made the pledge on the spot to unite the families. When we were passing through a village, we'd had to steal food to survive so we could get back to civilization. One of our pursuers remarked that the students reflected the Master. Just silly talk. Yet it seemed to spark something in Genma and two days later he said some silly things about abandoning the school and founding his own school. Ah, but now the Anything Goes style has a future that is assured."  
  
"Uh huh," said Nabiki, smelling something unpleasant about to hit the air circulators.  
  
There was a knocking at the front door.  
  
"That must be them!" Soun got up and started heading for the door. "Saotome my old friend! I forgive you your rash words of that..."  
  
Nabiki was a moment ahead of him and threw the door open.  
  
Two men stood there. Or rather a teenage boy and a middleaged man. Both practically radiated power.  
  
The boy was tall and lean but muscular, wearing a Chinese style shirt and pants, his hair in a pigtail that briefly whipped behind him in the breeze.  
  
Slightly taller than the boy, the man was dressed similarly. Thicker body, but also fairly muscular. He looked tough and weatherbeaten.  
  
"Saotome, my old... friend...?!" Soun stopped. "Genma, is that you?"  
  
The man nodded once. "Tendo."  
  
"You've changed," said Soun. Gone was the pudgy Genma with the shifty eyes, the Genma who had suffered with Soun under their dread Master. This was a more fearsome, tougher, Genma - one who hadn't softened with the passing years but become increasingly tougher as he'd taken everything life could throw at him - and not only survived but thrived. There was also a wicked looking cross-shaped scar on Genma's face on the right side.  
  
"Thank you," said Genma in response. "May we come in?"  
  
"Of- of course," said Soun, feeling rattled. What had happened to his old friend?  
  
The two sat formally at the table without further comment, facing the three daughters while Soun took the head of the table near Genma's position.  
  
Genma bowed his head slightly. "I am Genma Saotome. This is my son, Ranma."  
  
Ranma bowed his head as well. "Pleased to meet you."  
  
"So, in order to unite the two schools of Anything Goes, which of my daughters..."  
  
"No," said Genma.  
  
"Stop kidding Genma! You're such a kidder. Anyway, my daughters are Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane. Pick whichever you like, she'll be your new fiancee." Soun felt even more nervous and tried to just push ahead.  
  
"No," repeated Genma. "Neither Ranma nor myself practice the Anything Goes School Of Indiscriminate Grappling anymore. We have moved beyond that school's limitations."  
  
"...but our dream of uniting the schools."  
  
Genma sighed. "Tendo. In order to possibly meet the problems of family honor involved here - Ranma has suggested that he meet and get to know your daughters to see if there is any compatibility there. However the schools cannot be joined as we had planned because neither of us practice Anything Goes."  
  
"HOW DARE YOU?!" Soun began to use his Outrage Demonhead projective chi technique.  
  
Ranma snickered briefly before composing himself again. "Sorry."  
  
Genma sighed. "Perhaps a demonstration is in order."  
  
Ranma stood up. "Works for me."  
  
"How dare you insult our school?!" Akane had found something new to be upset about. "The Anything Goes style is the strongest in this district. I'm the strongest fighter in this district and *I* use the Tendo School."  
  
Akane grew even more upset at the expressions. The BOY smirked and shook his head, while the "old friend" of her father looked like... he pitied her?!  
  
The Tendos watched, some curious and others less so, as the two Saotomes took positions on either side of the yard. Both settled into ready stances.  
  
"Well," began Akane, "let's see this..."  
  
Ranma launched himself, foot rotating outward to begin what should have been an easily blocked kick, except that he did a mid-air change that altered it into a roll from which he came out in an entirely different kick.  
  
"...lame..."  
  
Genma wasn't there anymore, having moved himself and rolling under Ranma to come up on the other side, switch direction and throw a punch that Ranma slipped around and counterpunched to - except the counterpunch led to a throw.  
  
"...martial..."  
  
Genma stopped himself somehow in midair, twisting to arc downwards, roll, and shoot across the yard as if he'd just been shot from a cannon.  
  
"...arts..."  
  
Genma's flying charge was neatly blocked by Ranma though the younger Saotome left two furrows in the ground as he slid back. The grass flattened and the dojo's boards rattled from the pressure wave.  
  
"...style," Akane finished. She blinked as she realized all that had happened literally within two seconds.  
  
Ranma and Genma began circling the koi pond. Until they blurred and vanished.  
  
"An invisibility technique?!" Nabiki yelped, never having seen such a thing outside of movies. She knew just enough about martial arts to be very impressed.  
  
*whack* *wham* *thud* *bam* *thwak* *slap*  
  
Soun and Kasumi stared, their heads making sudden birdlike movements as they seemed to be watching something.  
  
*wham* *bam* *crack* *bash* *thwack*  
  
"Oh my," said Kasumi, "they're very fast."  
  
Akane gaped.   
  
Nabiki put the odd jerking motions of her father and elder sister's heads together with the comment and the sounds of body slamming into body. "They're moving so fast that you can't see them? No way."  
  
*THWAM!* This particular impact was sufficiently heavy that a pressure wave passed through the house, rattling dishes inside.  
  
"No way," seconded Akane as she tried not to gape at the Grand Canyon style gap between her own level of skill and that which was being performed now. This was sufficiently over the top that her pride had just started digging a foxhole.  
  
Another set of blurs and Ranma and Genma landed in what had started out as each other's starting positions.  
  
"Are we done warming up, Pops?" Ranma asked his father, a mischievious look on his face.  
  
"Almost," said Genma. "Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."  
  
"'warming up'?" Akane repeated, twitching slightly.  
  
"Good," agreed Ranma. "Yaaaaaaaaaa..."  
  
*THOOM!* Genma Saotome formed a sphere of red chi around himself, standing in a crater of his own making as he ignited it.  
  
*FWOOM!* Ranma followed suit, his chi forming blue.  
  
If anything, Akane's jaw had dropped lower.  
  
Tendrils of blue and white met in between the two warriors and began to flare brighter and brighter as the two contested directly through their chi.  
  
Rocks and pebbles rose from the ground to hang suspended in the air. The stone lantern and several rocks from the koi pond followed soon thereafter. Soun caught his Go board before it could fly away.  
  
Akane's eyes followed the sphere of water as it rose from the koi pond, a very startled looking koi visible from where she stood.  
  
The light show ended, everything settling into place slowly.  
  
"Not bad, old man," gasped Ranma, a little out of breath.  
  
Genma drew in a deep breath himself. "Maybe I *am* getting too old for this. Are you ready now?"  
  
"Fine, but let's get something to eat after this," agreed Ranma.  
  
"Sounds good," seconded Genma. "Beef bowl would hit the spot."  
  
"Hmmmph," said Ranma, changing stances slightly.  
  
"Rfffff," grunted Genma, doing the same.  
  
Ranma's hands slashed the air. "Demon God Retribution."  
  
Genma brought his hands up and countered the manuever. "Chi vaccuum blades? I thought we were going to get serious." Genma leapt into the air and began spinning. "Hurricane kick."  
  
Chi forged lightning struck out. "Thor's Hammer."  
  
Genma dropped beneath the lightning and shot both hands at his son. "Double Dragon."  
  
"Grand Miracle Ascension Attack!"  
  
"Ranma, stop," commanded Genma, dropping out of stance. "We're in Tendo's backyard. If you utilize attacks like that here, how much of his house will be left?"  
  
"Oh," agreed Ranma. "Good point."  
  
Genma focussed his gaze on Akane. "Do you still want to spar with my son, Miss Tendo?"  
  
Akane thought very carefully. "Yes."  
  
Ranma nodded. "I understand."  
  
"Well someone explain it to me," stated Nabiki. "Are you $%@# NUTS Akane?"  
  
"It doesn't matter if she loses, only that she responds to what she sees as a challenge," said Ranma. "I would offer insult to her and her school if I take it easy on her, and so I must fight full out."  
  
Akane nodded and took Genma's place in the yard. "I am Akane Tendo, and I don't lose!"  
  
"Ready," said Genma, waiting for nods from both parties. "Begin."  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
"Very well, father," said Ranma as he rotated his shoulders. "We should be going. I think I saw a ramen stand a few blocks down the road."  
  
"Yes, I noticed," said Genma. "A snack *would* be nice about now. Then we can try to find a real meal."  
  
Nabiki looked around. "Where's Akane?"  
  
Kasumi walked past Nabiki, her arms loaded with futons that she began piling in the yard. She tested the wind with a wet finger, then moved the mattresses a few feet.  
  
*WHUD!*  
  
Staring at the small crater Akane's landing had created amongst the futons, Nabiki could say only one thing. "Hey, isn't that *my* mattress?"  
  
-------  
  
Ranma slurped noodles happily. "So who's next Pop?"  
  
Genma considered. "I think that was the last one. We can go to Juuban next and see if the Princess has awoken yet. If she has, then we can formally petition to enter her service."  
  
Ranma nodded. "And if not, there's always the Street Fighter and maybe that Mortal Kombat thing."  
  
"True, the path of a true martial artist is one of conflict," agreed Genma.   
  
------  
  
Nabiki stopped Akane a few yards away from school and the battle. "Akane, do you want to keep up the fights with your fan club?"  
  
Akane frowned. "You know better than that, Nabiki. I hate that."  
  
"So if I find a solution to this, you could pay me back later?" Nabiki inquired, her gaze off in the distance.  
  
"I suppose, if you're not talking about something perverted," said Akane knowing full well her sister could be terribly ecchi at times.  
  
"Good enough. Keep your mouth shut, just nod at appropriate times, and follow me." Nabiki stalked forward and gestured her way through the crowd.  
  
"ATTENTION PEOPLE! Akane will not be able to date any of you if you defeat her at this point!"  
  
"What say you, Nabiki Tendo? How dare you challenge the terms when even the fair Akane has not," said Tatewaki Kuno, dropping his concealment for the moment.  
  
"Not my doing," insisted Nabiki. "The thing is that there was a previous engagement and the suitor defeated Akane."  
  
Nabiki continued on, telling the crowd about how Ranma Saotome had appeared and heard of the challenge - then formally dueled with Akane and defeated her after a lengthy battle. Then Ranma had left, saying only that he needed to perfect his martial arts further. Family honor and Kuno's own agreement now dictated that only someone who defeated Ranma Saotome could date Akane.  
  
Nabiki took Akane's elbow and hustled her inside the school as the crowd discussed this.  
  
"What do you mean coming up with that story?!" Akane growled at her sister.  
  
Nabiki lifted an eyebrow. "Is there a guy at Furinkan you *want* to date, Akane?"  
  
"Well, no," admitted Akane.  
  
"Do you honestly think Tatewaki Kuno or any other member of that loser's club can defeat Ranma?"  
  
"Well, no," admitted Akane again.  
  
"So the crowd of perverts has to not only find Ranma, but fight and beat him, in order to date you." Nabiki turned at the stairs to go up to her class. "I'll have payment arrangements for you by this afternoon."  
  
Akane blinked. There was something wrong with this whole thing but she wasn't quite sure *what* was wrong with it.  
  
-------  
  
It had taken a few months, but it was done.  
  
Genma sat back and watched as his son defended the Princess - using all the various skills and martial arts talents he had in a considerable package.  
  
True, neither of them were members of this fantasy kingdom that Genma had run across the records of first in that old Tibetan monastery. They had no magical powers coming from reincarnated links to ancient power sources.  
  
When Genma had run across the records and the prophesies, and the ancient monk who'd seen the return of these warriors, he'd known he had what he'd sought.  
  
A bunch of schoolgirls, plus one reincarnated king, who had darn little knowledge of strategy or tactics. Further scraps of legend uncovered at that Amazon village had provided more details.  
  
He'd have to tell that old woman, Cologne, of this. She was quite interested in seeing this utopia come about, and making sure that her Amazons had a place in it. They'd bet he couldn't find them, but now she'd have to pay up.  
  
As for him, well, Genma felt he'd done it finally. This was more than a fight against a silly looking monster. This was a battle to save lives, preserve hope for the future, and achieve justice.  
  
He'd spent years committing crimes under the Master, and years before that as well.  
  
Redemption.  
  
It had a nice ring to it.  
  
=============  
***this piece was going over the Genma Ascendent concept and trying a different spin to it. Whatta ya think? 


	34. Fist of the Wildhorse

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE  
  
Genma stared up at the dragon who had formed out of the pit.  
  
"ONCE AGAIN IN REALM OF MORTAL MAN,  
HERE AGAIN BY HEAVEN'S PLAN,  
MORTAL WISH BE GRANTED SOON,  
SPEAK AND I SHALL GRANT THY BOON!"  
  
"Uhm, well," Genma began, feeling those eyes upon him. Old eyes. Eyes that had seen continents form. Eyes that had pre-existed humanity and would see things long after humanity's time had faded.  
  
The dragon continued.  
  
"KNOW THEE THIS, O SON OF ADAM,  
BOUND BY CONTRACT AS I AM,  
YOU GET ONE WISH AND ONLY ONE,  
FOREVER LOST ONCE 'TIS GONE.  
  
"ALSO KNOW BY HEAVEN'S DECREE,  
A GREEDY WISH WILL TWIST ON THEE,  
HELP THOU OTHERS WITH THY WIT,  
AND YOU SHALL ALSO BENEFIT."  
  
Genma sweated, his son struggling in the bonds of fish sausage nearby. "Errr. I just wanted my son to learn an ultimate technique... Martial Arts."  
  
The dragon's eyes flared red.   
  
"SO THE WISH HAS BEEN MADE,  
THE COST OF WHICH SHALL BE PAID.  
THY SON SHALL TRAIN UNDER A MASTER TRUE.  
AT HIS MAJORITY SHALL RETURN TO YOU."  
  
Ranma vanished.  
  
"AAAHHH! WAIT!" Genma exclaimed to the now empty lot.  
  
----------  
  
"I cannot teach the boy my technique." The martial artist turned away.  
  
"MAKE NOT DECISIONS THUS IN HASTE,  
OR MY GIFT TO YOU, YOU SHALL WASTE."  
  
"Gift?" The martial artist turned to declaim the gift - he had no need of money or...  
  
His eyes widened as he looked past the boy and to where the dragon's tail had struck. From parched earth came a bubbling spring of what could only be water.  
  
"ELEMENTAL - DRAGONS ARE,  
WANDERING FROM STAR TO STAR.  
FOR ME IT IS A SIMPLE THING,  
BUT SEE IF YOU COULD USE A SPRING."  
  
The martial artist knelt and examined it. Cool, clear, nearly pure water. Bubbling up from the Earth in a constant stream that rolled along the dust until it began to soak in. "This? For training the boy?"  
  
"THAT INDEED IS THE DEAL,  
AND GREENERY SHALL BE THE WEAL,  
TRAIN THE BOY TILL SIXTEENTH YEAR,  
FOR THAT TASK - A FOUNTAIN HERE."  
  
The martial artist seemed to be lost in thought briefly, then nodded. "Done."  
  
The dragon vanished. The water continued to bubble forth in a constant stream, as if someone had buried a hose under the ground and turned it up full force. Except the martial artist knew quite well that there was no water source locally to tap into.  
  
The boy looked up, not completely understanding except that his father had sold him again and this time it would last until he turned sixteen. "Hi. I'm Ranma."  
  
The martial artist nodded. "My name is Kenshiro. We should get started."  
  
--------  
  
OMAKE: Fist Of The Wildhorse  
  
DISCLAIMER: Fist Of The Northstar/Hokuto No Ken and Ranma 1/2 owned by other people. Assistance from Hung Nguyen.  
  
--------  
  
The figure walked the streets of Nerima without apparent concern for the stares. Some guy wearing an almost completely concealing cloak and hood, over which a battered wide brim hat had been placed, drew a few looks but this was Nerima.  
  
That the figure was well over six feet tall and seemed to be several orders more solid than the road he was walking on, well, that did draw some stares.  
  
"Who dares to step so unconceredly past the Halls Of Furinkan? Be you some gaijin or burakumin come to invade our sacred halls of learning? Be gone!" Tatewaki Kuno held his bokken skyward as he stepped out fifty feet ahead of the figure.  
  
The figure continued walking, not reacting in the slightest. 40 feet.  
  
"I, the Shooting Star of Furinkan Senior High School, undefeated kendo master, samurai of the epics, say that no foul infidel shall demean our school grounds with his presence."  
  
The figure continued to walk. 30 feet.  
  
"Seek you to challenge the great Tatewaki Kuno? I shall smite thee for that insult."  
  
Still no sign that he was walking directly towards the stick-wielding youth. 20 feet.  
  
"I shall..." Tatewaki Kuno posed with his bokken and looked the stranger in the eye. And froze. These were not the eyes of someone who fought in practice matches. These were the eyes of someone who had faced Death, and it had been Death that had blinked. "I shall not tolerate this!"  
  
The cloaked figure still gave no sign that he'd noticed the kendoist. 10 feet.  
  
Kuno met the gaze of the other again. He was a samurai, a warrior, he would not yield to an enemy. Sweat began pouring off of him as he met that gaze, and his stomach started churning. He blinked.  
  
The cloaked figure moved past, not acknowledging that the kendoist had stepped aside and was now clutching his chest and gasping for breath, his kendo outfit practically soaked through by sweat.  
  
It was fifteen minutes before Tatewaki Kuno was able to stop his knees from shaking.  
  
----------  
  
The cloaked figure stopped outside of the Tendo Dojo, looking down in his hand at an old note that simply said in a child's handwriting - Tendo Dojo.  
  
Maybe he would find some answers here.  
  
----------  
  
"A dojo destroyer, huh? Bring it on!"  
  
The figure considered the girl challenging him. "Miss? I don't think you would want to fight me."  
  
"Don't underestimate me," said Akane, cracking her knuckles.  
  
"I'm not. I came here looking for answers. I am not sure that fighting you would provide them," said the stranger in a completely calm tone.  
  
"Akane, what is this?" Soun entered the dojo and reflexively tried to determine this challenger's level of mastery. Then his presence. Nothing in either case. The boy could have been a ghost.  
  
"Just some dojo destroyer," said Akane, pumping a fist in the air. "Got it covered."  
  
"Miss, as I mentioned, I am here for answers. I am not sure how this will answer them."  
  
Nabiki decided to make her presence known, though for some reason she was pretty sure the boy already knew she was there. "I tell you what. I have a network for information. If you win, I will find whatever answers you need."  
  
The figure considered her briefly, then began shucking off cloak and hat.  
  
Akane frowned. Thin legs and hips. Muscular chest. VERY muscular arms. Probably not that manueverable but a hard hitter. Moved very precisely. Probably halfway decent in the Art. "Okay. Whenever you're ready."  
  
The other moved into a ready position. "Ready."  
  
The two held their poses briefly, Akane wondering when the challenger was going to move. ~Oh to heck with waiting.~ "Hiyaaaa!"  
  
The boy was abruptly not there.  
  
"Huh?" Akane looked wildly around. "Where'd he go?"  
  
Nabiki caught Akane's attention and made a circular gesture.  
  
Akane whirled to look behind herself. Nothing. "Where, I don't see..." On turning back to face Nabiki again, she noted the large boy was back where he had been in a moment ago and now both her father AND Nabiki were staring at him.  
  
The boy just looked sadly at her. Almost condescendingly.  
  
"Okay, this time for real!" Akane charged forward, ready to catch this boy if he darted around her.  
  
"Waaa TAAAAA!"  
  
Nabiki and Soun gasped as the boy's thumbs seemed to go all the way up to the joint in Akane's temples.  
  
Akane stood there for a moment as the boy stepped away from her.  
  
"You're not bad, Miss, but against a practitioner of Hokuto Shin Ken, you have no chance. Use of your legs will return in about an hour." The boy turned and began walking away.  
  
"HEY! WE'RE NOT DONE..." (WHUMP!) Akane blinked as she found herself sitting on the floor. "We're not done yet! Come back here! Hey. I can't move my legs."  
  
Nabiki hurried after the stranger. After *that* demonstration, she was well inclined to see what she could scrounge up!  
  
"Hey! I'm not beaten yet! You didn't win! I wasn't ready! Uhm. Would someone help me up?"  
  
---------  
  
Soun watched the stranger leave, once again clad in hat and cloak. "So what did he want?"  
  
Nabiki made an offhand gesture. "He wasn't sure why he had our dojo's name, but what he really wanted was to find his family. Apparently he's not seen them in ten years. I just checked the phone book, found a couple of likely others and sent him on. That was enough payment not to take your precious dojo sign."  
  
"Really?" Soun immediately felt a lot better. He hadn't seen anyone move THAT fast since the days with the Master. "Well, that's good. Who was that stranger, anyway?" Ah, hot tea on a chilly afternoon.  
  
"Saotome. Ranma Saotome," said Nabiki. "He was kinda cute in a rough sort of way, oh well."  
  
"Gak!"  
  
Nabiki shrugged and went inside while her father spazzed out. Sometimes she really wondered if she'd been adopted.  
  
-------  
  
Ranma looked down at the youth. Strong chi. Good training. Lousy control. "Why are you upset?"  
  
"Because you knocked me aside!"  
  
Ranma considered that. "...but you were the one who ran into me."  
  
"Only because you were standing there in the middle of the road!"  
  
Ranma considered that as well. "I was standing next to the vending machines."  
  
"My point exactly!" Ryoga said.  
  
Ranma shook his head. "You're not making any sense."  
  
"Make sense of this!" Ryoga threw with all his inhuman might at Ranma, thinking that his great strength would prevail.  
However, Ranma simply held up a hand and intercepted the blow without even batting an eye. The Lost Boy soon found himself unable to pull his fist back as Ranma tightened his grasp and Ryoga was wincing in pain as bone threatened to crumble.  
  
Then in a dead, firm tone, Ranma spoke. "The human body is only able to exert up to thirty percent of its total natural strength. Even with you, without ki enhancing it, that's NOT much. Hokuto Shin Ken allows me to GET at the other seventy percent."  
  
"Let go," said Ryoga, pulling at his arm.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh," said Ranma, letting out a deep breath. The hand and arm not crushing Ryouga's fist blurred. "Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-AH TAOOOOO!"  
  
Ryoga hit the ground.  
  
Ranma turned. "You are not worthy of the full might of Hokuto Shin Ken."  
  
Ryoga shook his head and got back up. "HAH! Your 'Hokuto Shin Ken' is pig dung!"  
  
"Four, three, two, one," counted off Ranma.  
  
*gurgle!*  
  
Ryoga's eyes popped. "eeeep!" *zoom!* "bathroom! where's a bathroom?!"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "The Spastic Colon Pressure Strike. One of the more terrible non-fatal manuevers of Hokuto Shin Ken."  
  
"aghhhhh!"  
-----------  
  
"You *will* accompany me, and you will marry a Tendo," Genma declared.  
  
Ranma repeated his earlier declaration. "No."  
  
Nodoka held her peace. Ranma *looked* manly. While discarding family honor wasn't very manly, meekly caving in was also not manly.  
  
"I see I'll have to teach you a lesson," said Genma, assuming a martial arts attack stance. "This is for your own good."  
  
Ranma looked about as concerned as if he had been threatened by a demented gerbil.  
  
"Hiyaaaaa," yelled Genma as he rushed to attack.  
  
*CRUNCH!* Ranma held the pose for a moment, his arm fully extended, one finger imbedded in Genma's chest.  
  
"That's odd, it didn't hurt," Genma said as he realized how badly that had looked.  
  
"I've hit your Appetite Suppression point," said Ranma as he got up. "Out of concern for my parent. Food will give you no pleasure. That way you can lose some of that weight and not deal with certain health problems."  
  
"Hah!" Genma said. "That's..." It was true. Just the thought of food was distasteful. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Ranma quietly left. He had found his parents, but no answers.  
  
-----------  
  
Ranma sat down at the cafe, sipped on a hot tea, and thought how nice it was to be in civilization. No mutant biker "Road Warrior" types. No martial arts bad nasty types oppressing the people.   
  
Kinda boring though.  
  
Hmmm. What was with those girls staring at him and giggling?  
  
Well, it looked like one of them was coming forward so maybe he'd find out.  
  
-------  
  
"Wa ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta AH-TAUUUU!"   
  
Another villain type hit the ground like a bag of wet cement. Ranma turned to deal with the next one.  
  
These were odd allies he'd run across, but smashing evil minions wasn't too unlike crushing mutant biker predators much as Kenshiro had done.  
  
He just wished his allies had better names. What kind of name was "Wedding Peach" anyway?  
  
==========  
END.  
thought i was going to make it a Sailor Moon xover, didn't you? 


	35. another seasonal omake

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\OMAKE///////////////  
  
WARNING: This would have worked better as a Sailor Moon Xover, but i'm trying to wean myself off of those.  
  
RANMA 2.1  
  
This is an omake. It is only an omake.  
  
----------  
  
Genma had good intentions.  
  
If his five year old son learned the Unbeatable Catfist - then Ranma would have far fewer problems on the road training. If Ranma mastered a martial art that was Unbeatable, hey, maybe they wouldn't have to spend ten years on the road and could actually sleep indoors more often.  
  
Genma also had less than good intentions, and if "good intentions pave the road to hell" then intentions based on greed and pride made for an express lane.  
  
Genma picked his screaming, tightly bound, son up in his arms and began swinging. When he had enough momentum he let go, so that Ranma could make a nice little arc going up over the bars, past the water, and into the lion den. "Go son! Make me proud by learning the Catfist!"  
  
Four hungry lions + one helpless screaming kid = exactly the sort of mess you might expect. For the faint of heart in the audience, it is not detailed herein.  
  
"Uh oh," said Genma, realizing that maybe he shouldn't have made those substitutions.  
  
----------  
  
Six months later:  
  
Genma disguised his disgust as he left his son at the gate, the cripple. How could he have had such a worthless son? It went beyond the lack of legs and arm, the missing eye, the scarred face. It was the spirit of the boy. He had fought back to regain use of his remaining arm after the spinal injuries but that had mainly taken everything of fight that the boy had. How was he going to live off the work of his son if the boy couldn't take over Tendo's dojo when he was sixteen?  
  
Fortunately, Genma had an idea. He couldn't go home, but he could cut ties with the boy here at this shrine. Now all he had to do was make a call, and the boy trying to crawl away in the dirt outside the temple would be someone else's problem. Genma snuck down to a pay booth, dialed the number, and waited.  
  
"Hello. Rival Relief Office. Please state the nature of your emergency."  
  
Genma frowned. Didn't sound like a very pious temple. "I found this crippled boy in the woods and left him by your gate. Is he worth any money..." Genma winced. He hadn't actually meant to fall back on *that* old habit.  
  
"No, Genma Saotome, not in the coin of any earthly realm. However, he will be cared for."  
  
Genma scowled and hung up the phone. Pausing as he turned away, he tried to remember if he had given his name to the voice on the other line.  
  
----------  
  
Ranma grew up another seven years in the hills near Tokyo. What he could exercise he did, and that included his mind.  
  
He met a friend not long after settling into life in the temple, with the mysterious old man running it taking care of him much of the time - and teaching Ranma how to take care of himself the rest of that time. There had come two children playing about the temple, a young girl who seemed to radiate innocence and never once flinched at his scars.   
  
One day the girl vanished and the boy couldn't seem to remember her. Ranma did. The boy forgetting what had seemed to be his soulmate was strange and something that would puzzle Ranma for years to come.  
  
The boy had a younger sister, who got over her initial reaction to Ranma's scars and injuries and eventually got to mostly accept him. There was always something though, but Ranma was getting used to it. Only that girl from long ago and Keiichi - who still showed up once a week or so until the Morisato family moved.  
  
Seven years. He'd never had a friend that long.  
  
Sitting in his wheelchair, watching the sunset, Ranma tried not to cry. His dog, trained to do many tasks for him, merely went into a half drowse and seemed to daydream of bacon and chicken scraps.  
  
"I'm looking for Saotome Ranma."  
  
Ranma's good eye tracked to the boy at the gate and adjusted himself slightly, then turned the chair to get a better look. "That's me. Can I help you?"  
  
The hiss of breath, the stare that was broken off, the shudder. He still didn't like them but he'd gotten used to them.  
  
"What... what happened to you?" The twelve year old boy in the school uniform asked.  
  
Ranma shrugged, used to this question now. "My father threw me to the lions and abandoned me. If this is about money he stole from you, I'm afraid I don't have great resources to draw on."  
  
"Then I guess I'll leave, if you can answer a question for me," said the boy. "Do you remember a girl named Ukyo?"  
  
Ranma shifted again slightly. "Yeah. Sort of. I remember a *boy* named Okonomiyaki Ucchan. Ah, those were the days. My best friend back then. It nearly broke my heart to leave my old buddy behind but my father told me it was for the best."  
  
The boy had reacted to this by turning halfway from Ranma and shuddering some more. "I see. Your 'buddy'. No doubt your father told you about the 'friendship' of this 'boy'. Do you know where your father is, by any chance?"  
  
"Afraid not," said Ranma. "Have you seen Ucchan? Is he okay?"  
  
"Yeah, sort of," said the boy, adjusting the large spatula he had slung across his back again as if uncomfortable.  
  
"Do me a favor, would you? Don't tell him you found me," said Ranma. "I'd rather my old buddy, if he remembers me at all, remembers me as I was."  
  
"Uhm, yeah, I'll, ah, I'll do that," the boy turned the rest of the way away and briskly walked off.  
  
Ranma let out a deep breath and watched the boy go. In a way it would have been nice to see Ucchan again, but sometimes it was best to just let the past go.  
  
At his signal, his dog merely pulled on the harness to help move his master.  
  
----------  
  
A five year old boy had been crippled. He had grown to twelve in the temple. Now at thirteen, he faced another crisis.  
  
"So where are you going?" Ranma asked the priest.  
  
"My time here is done. I must move on," said the withered old man. "Ranma Saotome. I leave King in your care."  
  
The German Shepherd wagged his tail once as if to agree with the sentiment.  
  
"But where are you going?" Ranma repeated.  
  
"Away, my boy, and that is all that I can say," the old man said with a wink. "As for you, my boy. Keep in mind that is always darkest before the dawn."  
  
"Either that or it goes completely black," pointed out Ranma.  
  
"Be that as it may, Ranma, you have King to assist you. You are not alone. This temple, however, will see other owners in another three years." The nameless priest tapped his cane against the flagstones briefly. "Yes, it'll have to do. Keep in mind that King won't be with you forever either. Dogs that live longer than fifteen years are rare. King's only six now, but we'll see if another will be needed before his time is done."  
  
-------  
  
At fourteen, he left the temple with King. Maintaining it had been too difficult with just himself.  
  
Looking back at it one last time, Ranma wondered if he could possibly return. Ah well, at least he was able to do well with stocks and investments now. He wouldn't starve, and a small apartment would be a lot easier to deal with.  
  
It was just leaving the site of so many memories.  
  
"Ah well, let's go, King." Ranma said to his faithful sidekick, who merely whuffed in response.  
  
-------  
  
Age sixteen, and someone had returned to the temple between the last time he'd checked it and now. "Keichi?! Wow, and with a girl. I'm happy for you, man."  
  
"Ranma, I'd like you to meet Belldandy."  
  
"We've met," said Ranma, recognizing the girl from many years previously. "Hello, Bell."  
  
"You've met?!" Keichi seemed startled. Alarmed too.  
  
King grinned at the three.  
  
"I'll order pizza," said Ranma. "We've got to talk this over. It's been a few too many years."  
  
Keichi went to discuss things with Belldandy while Ranma moved his wheelchair to where the phone was. He knew a decent pizza place, they knew he didn't like bonito and mayonnaise on his pizza for one thing.  
  
"Hello. This is the Goddess Relief Office. We will be visiting you for a consultation."  
  
Ranma blinked. "Sorry. I must have misremembered the phone number. Hello? Hello?"  
  
"Hello," said a sultry voice behind him.  
  
---------  
  
Keichi tried not to stare. Belldandy was... fretting. King seemed to find something amusing about the whole thing.  
  
"Like I said, my name is Dll. My nickname is 'Driver.' I'm on my training license, but I'm sure I can help you." The silvery-green haired girl smiled over at Ranma.  
  
Ranma blinked again. "Okay, so you're a goddess on a training license. Belldandy is a goddess first class. Keiichi wished that Bell would stay with him forever. Keichi, you da man. I envy you. No offense, but I'm not going that route. If I could assume for a moment this is for real, then there is a wish I would make."  
  
"Those cyborg comics we read when we were younger," said Keichi. He was quite happy for his old friend. He'd felt a pang of guilt on seeing Ranma because he'd forgotten entirely about the crippled friend.  
  
"As long as King doesn't get left behind, and it doesn't cause legal problems from records showing me as crippled," agreed Ranma. "Yeah. I'd wish I were like the superpowered cyborg heroes of the manga."  
  
Keichi had expected a windstorm, but Driver wasn't elemental in that manner. Instead she was surrounded by what seemed to be glowing Norse script which rotated in circles around her. "Your wish has been approved."  
  
"Very impressive but I don't..." Ranma fell backwards.  
  
King immediately ran over to his master, only to collapse himself a moment later.  
  
Driver shook her head. "Well, that'll fix part of it. The 'hero' bit will have to be done by him alone."  
  
"He looks the same," said Keichi.  
  
"Technorganic virus," explained Driver. "His body will produce replacement limbs when done."  
  
-------  
  
Seventeen year old Ranma stood on the roof, feeling the morning sun's rays beginning to warm his body and supply energy.  
  
*Ah. Feels good it does.*  
  
Ranma glanced at King. *You're armored up. Reason?*  
  
*Skuld say this big day. King listen to goddess. Ranma should too.*  
  
"A big day?" Ranma considered that. "Doesn't mean another monster attack or anything like that, does it?" Those could get tiring after awhile. Him and his big mouth, he'd had to specify cyborg 'hero'.  
  
*Not sure,* sent King. *For a goddess of future, not much of future she see.*  
  
"Perhaps," said Ranma, leaping from the fifth floor of his apartment complex to the roof access. "I don't think that... oh no. Not him."  
  
A pudgy man leapt from his place of concealment to a telephone pole to the roof nearby. "Ranma! Thank goodness I found you! You've been lost for so long!"  
  
"Can it. You abandoned me, remember? You left your crippled son to go off and have your happy life elsewhere. So anyway. Nice to see you. Goodbye, don't let the door hit your backside on the way out." Ranma opened the door and let King (now looking considerably less robotic and more doggish) inside before shutting it in his father's face. Fingers bent the metal of the doorframe, just a little. "Yeesh. Nerve of some people."  
  
The door rattled behind Ranma as someone tried to follow him.  
  
"You know, King? I really would have preferred a Monster-Of-The-Week."  
  
--------  
  
Ranma went to class, leaving King to watch the apartment.  
  
Classes were mainly boring, but occasionally there were good teachers who were knowledgable in their subject. Who had an enthusiasm and fire for what they taught. THOSE precious few could throw out tidbits that Ranma hadn't run across.  
  
True to Driver's fulfillment of the wish, everyone remembered Ranma as the guy with one leg which terminated below the knee and the other which terminated mid-thigh, whose left arm ended a few inches below the shoulder. When he'd returned to school with his limbs restored and not the clumsy plastic prostheses he'd worn periodically, he'd found everyone remembering him as having been taken away by mysterious black vehicles belonging to super-secret government agencies.  
  
They even allowed King to attend classes with him. (And after King scored so well on some of the tests, the few objectors quieted down.)  
  
Settling into physics class, he could remember applying the "lesson of the day" against monsters-of-the-week. If nothing else he could always try them out on his motorcycle. Heh. Reminded him, he needed to have Keichi look it over.  
  
The door shattering open kind of ruined the mood.  
  
"RANMA! How dare you abandon family honor and your poor suffering father?!"  
  
Ranma got up, slowly and carefully. Slowly he began walking down, aware of the teacher and his fellow students gawking.  
  
"Ranma, you must put aside these foolish delusions of yours!" Genma stood proudly in the doorway, sure of his rights as a father.  
  
"You abandoned me when I was crippled, old man. By your own hand! First you tossed me in that cage where I was mangled. Then you abandoned me at that temple. Now you want to sweep the past aside and let all be forgiven?" Ranma cracked his knuckles.  
  
"Of course! I mean, errr. That reminds me, how did you get those fixed?" Genma asked, wondering if his hair could be restored by the same method.  
  
"An agency so secret that hardly anyone under the Emperor himself has heard of it," Ranma assured his father. Which was true, as the Goddess Relief Office hardly advertised on the radio.  
  
Of course what he said, meant, and what everyone heard were entirely different things.  
  
Genma blanched at that momentarily, as with his past anyone with governmental ties was someone to be avoided. He rallied though, hoping it was a bluff and the boy had just found some form of magic or something. "Will you disrespect your father, your ancestors, your honor?!"  
  
"Will YOU stop disrupting class?" Ranma demanded.  
  
"Oh no, go ahead, Mister Saotome," the Professor said, sitting back on his stool and waving his student on. "I believe I can work this into a lecture. Go ahead and thrash the brute."  
  
Genma blinked as his son took a martial arts stance. "Hah! Your stance is all wrong, a simple legsweep -"   
  
Ranma leapt above the legsweep, which Genma was ready for. Now his followup would crush his son's resistance and he would have proven that father knew best. By the time the boy woke up he'd already be at the Tendo house and engaged!  
  
Ranma seemed to hover in midair briefly, staying out of range of the attack for a moment longer than should have been possible. When he came down it was further away as well. "Very well. Behold my true identity as a gift to take with you to Hell."  
  
Genma blinked. When had it gotten THAT serious?  
  
KASSSHHHHHHAAAAAN!  
  
Abruptly where Ranma had stood was the armored warrior that had been on television fighting legions of darkness and monsters from beyond.  
  
"EEEK!" Genma normally wasn't inclined to do such things, but he was panicking now. He had seen this being with the blades protruding from his elbows slice huge monsters up! He had seen this same figure make tetrawatt laser cannon out of duct tape, flashlights, and an old Ford Pinto!   
  
Genma turned and ran. There was no way he was facing HIM!  
  
Not MacGuyver!  
  
=========  
okay, this was sent out to my prereaders for St Patrick's Day, now Mediaminer for 4/1/2003  
slowed down on my writing by school and trying to juggle threads over at the Anime Addventure, but am working on some other ideas as well...  
  
take care 


	36. A laborious omake

Hello. This is just a look at what "Retake" *could* have been like. One of the ideas i was kicking around for "Fifth Labor".  
  
-----------  
  
Omake: 5th Labor-alt: Final Exam  
  
-----------  
  
Ami picked up the phone. "No, Mako-chan, we can order take-out. We need to study."  
  
"And find out who the Princess is," pointed out Luna, repeating that old refrain. She thought these Senshi had absolutely the wrong set of priorities. Still, Ami was better at acting like a princess than Usagi.  
  
*Brrrrrngggg. Clik.* "Hello. Rival Relief Office. I will visit you for a consultation."  
  
Ami blinked repeatedly. "I'm sorry. I've got a wrong number. Hello? Hello?"  
  
The sound effect of an original series Star Trek transporter beaming someone in filled the air. Which was appropriate as that was the visual effect as well.  
  
"Uhmmmm," Ami commented, her voice calm despite her hair being currently in disarray. "You don't *look* like Captain Kirk."  
  
"Hi, I'm Greylle, Rival Relief Office, Asgard," said the short fellow in jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt that read "Rival Relief Office - we do more with less." He quickly handed business cards out to all the girls present.  
  
Ami blinked repeatedly then read the card. "'Greylle Shard, Rival Relief Office operative, silver dragon - young adult stage. Clerical magic and techno-wizardry a specialty.'"  
  
Minako read from hers. "'Rival Relief Office operative: Greylle Shard. Level Three Non-divine Operative.'"  
  
Rei, Usagi, and Makoto glanced at theirs, then shrugged. They couldn't read them anyway.  
  
"Yes. Ami Mizuno, you have been found worthy of a limited wish." Greylle smiled at the young girl in front of him. Looked like he was at the beginning of the series.  
  
"IT'S A TRICK OF THE DARK KINGDOM! EVERYONE TRANSFORM!"  
  
Greylle looked down. "Oh, hello Luna. How's Artemis doing?"  
  
"You can't fool me, you're a youma!" Luna said, fur bristling. Then her eyes went large as she caught the implications of what he'd said.  
  
"Nope. Dragon. Entirely different thing." Greylle shrugged. "Anyway, Ami, work out what you want to wish for and i'll see what i can do. Keep in mind that while you're up against some tough opponents and have difficult exams ahead, you've got every chance of getting through them without wasting a wish on something you don't actually need."  
  
"You said 'limited' wish?" Ami asked, deciding to take this at face value for now.  
  
"Right. i'm with the Rival Relief Office, not the Earth Assistance Hotline or the Goddess Relief Office. That means no access to Yggdrasil or the Ultimate Force. What we've got instead is the Barely Adequate Force, which is actually merely a probability nudger. So operatives like myself rely on what resources we can scavenge from other timelines and alternate universes, plus whatever training we can get." Greylle shrugged. "Most of the time, it's enough. i've had a few failures, but mostly i've managed to pull off the conditions of the wish."  
  
"Ah," said Ami, who was trying to figure out several important things about this. One, was this situation for real? Two, having read stories about monkey paw wishes, how could she pull something beneficial off? Three, why did this fellow look so sad?  
  
"So anyway, why don't you ask a few questions and i'll see if i can answer them, then you can come up with something." Greylle sighed and motioned towards one of the floor cushions. "Mind if i take a seat? i didn't get a chance to read any of the files on this universe."  
  
"Uhm, no," said Rei, trying to figure out how much this guy knew, if he was of the Dark Kingdom, and how a gaijin spoke Japanese so well.  
  
"Great. i just completed my fourth labor not more than a month ago, and you wouldn't believe how busy they keep me. Plus, i haven't been in human form for very long since then and now that i'm a dragon at the base reality level it's very addictive to be a dragon fulltime." Greylle plopped down with a sigh. "Oh, man."  
  
Noting that the boy's t-shirt now read "Dragons Are Good Antagonists, But They Make Better Allies", Ami considered carefully what sort of questions she should ask.  
  
"How does Ami rate a wish?" Usagi grumbled.  
  
"Of all of you, including the Outer Senshi, she has the lowest Sin Index." Greylle shrugged. "You have a kind and pure heart, Usagi, it's just that you're also a glutton, prone to fits of jealousy, quite often lazy, and you can be quite scheming. All of which are not out of normal boundaries for a Princess."  
  
"...Usagi's the Princess..." Rei looked stricken.  
  
"Yeah, Luna and Artemis were in suspended animation since the Moon Kingdom fell. Their memories are like swiss cheese, and frankly that's being kind." Greylle looked at the black cat. "They don't even remember how to change back to human form."  
  
"That's right! I was able to do that! I..." Luna's eyes went round. "You're *not* from the Dark Kingdom, are you?"  
  
"Never said I was," agreed Greylle.  
  
"Who's Artemis?" Makoto asked, hoping that the answer was tall and male.  
  
"White mooncat, Luna's future husband, advisor to Sailor Venus." Greylle took a computer out of somewhere and started tapping away at the keyboard. "Not a bad fellow, though he tends to be a bit overprotective at times and jealous of anyone Venus hangs around with."  
  
"There are more Senshi?" Usagi pounced on the cue. More allies? She was a Princess?  
  
"Yeah." Greylle looked off in the distance. "Look, it varies from universe to universe but this looks like one that's close to a mainline - meaning minimal diversions if anything noticeable at this level. Usually there are nine Senshi. Mercury, Venus, Moon, Mars, Jupiter - the Inners though Jupiter is technically considered an Outer. There's Uranus and Neptune, Saturn and Pluto, they're the Outer Senshi."  
  
"There was something about Sailor Saturn," said Luna.  
  
"Yeah, but i can't give details. You'll find out in a couple of years." Greylle shrugged. "Can't give away too many things or something critical might not come to pass. Unless you wish for foreknowledge or something like that."  
  
"...Usagi's the Princess..." Rei repeated.  
  
Makoto fixed the nice dragon a cup of tea under the understanding that this was at least a temporary ally, and frankly she was all in favor of that trend.  
  
"Thank you," said Greylle. Hmmm. Good. Just like he remembered.  
  
"That computer..." Ami said slowly. "It has a Mercury symbol on it."  
  
"Yeah. One of your other selves in another universe." Greylle's sad look turned up three notches.   
  
"What happened?" Ami asked, half dreading the answer.  
  
"i'm not allowed to lie. Don't ask certain questions." Greylle drank deeply of the tea. "Anyway. Any ideas on that wish yet?"  
  
Rei shook off her disbelief at *Usagi* being the Princess they were all supposed to protect. "What would *you* wish for, if you were us?"  
  
Ami and Makoto looked suitably impressed. Usagi was just plain astonished.  
  
"A fair question," acknowledged Greylle. "IF this is a mainline universe as it looks, several things are going to happen. You will face and defeat Beryl and the Generals she has corrupted with her mind control and the taint from Metal'la. It will not be an easy victory and it will be costly, but you can prevail. You will face several opponents who will fall into a very familiar pattern, like a sentai series. In order to defeat each one, you will each improve your skills greatly and draw on more power. In two cases you'll even be facing Senshi who oppose you. Eventually you'll triumph over the whole thing, there'll be an event called the Great Freeze or the Ice or some similar term. When that's over, 1000 years will have passed and there will be a new kingdom - Crystal Tokyo. A kingdom founded with the best intentions and several problems, and at least two great enemies."  
  
"Yay! I get a kingdom! I'm gonna be a Princess!" Usagi briefly celebrated. She could sleep in late if she was a princess.  
  
"Usagi will also marry the Prince of Earth, making him her King though he's actually more the Royal Consort - all the power will rest with the Queen." Greylle tried to remember details. He'd been in so many divergent timelines over the years.   
  
"Wow, who do I end up with? Is he cute?" Makoto's eyes briefly went to sparkly.  
  
"Do I end up with a boyfriend?" Rei asked, being a little boyhungry herself. This was anime apparently, and not the manga.  
  
Greylle sighed. He didn't really want to answer this.  
  
Ami reached the conclusion first. "None of us get a boyfriend, do we? What about my career as a doctor?"  
  
Greylle shook his head once.  
  
"No boyfriend?" "Not a doctor?" "What do you mean no boyfriend?" "What's my prince look like?"  
  
"No, no, i mean you spend your life briefly in relationships with other girls but you never end up in a permanent relationship, and you've already met him - Tuxedo Mask." Greylle looked very unhappy but he was at least hoping that everyone had forgotten about their prior questions about his prior acquaintance with their other selves.  
  
Ami whispered to Rei briefly, who looked puzzled but nodded.  
  
"Uhm, dragon-sama," Rei decided to err on the side of politeness, "can you help me out with something in the yard?"  
  
"i suppose," said Greylle agreeably, figuring that Ami wanted more time to figure out what to wish for.  
  
As soon as the two were out of the room, Ami pounced on the stranger's computer.  
  
"What are you doing?" Luna asked, torn between wanting to keep an eye on the stranger and see what Ami was up to.  
  
"As soon as I received my computer, I found a way to create a hidden file that could only be accessed by a password. It's sort of a diary. If this 'other me' was actually like me... There it is. Now I just move to the last few entries..." Ami quickly started reading the text file revealed.  
  
"What is it? What's..." Luna noticed the tears forming on Ami's face and immediately started reading the file herself. Makoto and Usagi quickly moved to flank Ami and read it as well.  
  
Five minutes later, Rei and Greylle returned and were faced with the odd sight of three offduty Senshi and a mooncat who had quite obviously been crying.  
  
Greylle was extremely confused. Even Luna was shooting him a sympathetic look. What exactly had gone on while he was helping Rei gather snacks?  
  
"Uhm, dragon-cha... san? Can you excuse us briefly? We have to discuss something. Girl talk, you know." Ami said, only sniffling once.  
  
"Y-y-yeah," said Greylle, now really confused. It was tempting to use a divination spell and try to figure out this latest development.  
  
Rei waited for the door not only to close, but watched from a door crack to make sure the stranger was away. "Okay, someone spill it."  
  
"He... was our friend in another timeline. He fought alongside us. He cared for us and tried to die for us." Ami sniffled again. "He disobeyed orders to help us, and the last entry showed that he... I..."  
  
"Apparently this other Ami and him were *good* friends," explained Makoto. "Though apparently he's also lived in other lives where he was close to one or another of us. The last entries were of us taking on an evil god and it sounded like we were getting our butts kicked. Some guy called Ares Saga."   
  
"Waitaminute. 'Ares Saga'?" Rei dived into her manga collection and found the appropriate volume of "Saint Saeya". "Goodness, if we went up against *Ares* we would have had some serious problems."  
  
Ami considered carefully. "Okay. Get him back. I think I know what to ask for."  
  
Greylle was quickly found and brought back. He was relieved that everyone looked so composed now, but a little nervous. Wish granting was not his usual role. He usually got missions as a spear carrier or divine intervention agent. "So you've got a wish?"  
  
Ami nodded. "I wish that those of us who did not normally get boyfriends, or careers, would have both options available to us as well as allies that we can call upon for assistance."  
  
Greylle quickly opened up his computer and tapped the request in. "Okay, it's working. Your wish has been registered."  
  
Makoto looked around. "Uhm, so where is he?"  
  
"i think i mentioned that i'm with the Rival Relief Office, not the Goddess Relief Office (GRO) or the Earth Assistance Hotline (EAH) or the Department of Intervening Operations & Services (DIOS). i'm just a dragon, you know. Well, a dragon who's been around a bit and has a few tricks. i'm also the very rough equivelant of a 12th level cleric, if that means anything to you." Greylle continued typing into his computer. "That means i have to work at granting your wish with available tools and talent while the Barely Adequate Force tries to huff and puff and influence the probability values in a favorable manner."  
  
"Oh. No immediate miracle, eh?" Makoto slumped.  
  
"Yup," agreed Greylle. He brightened visibly on seeing something. "Oh ho!"  
  
"Yes?!" Four girls and a mooncat wanted further explanation.  
  
Greylle looked up with a genuine grin, only a hint of the underlying sadness from earlier showing. "Makoto, you're on first. Tomorrow afternoon. i'll give you a location. You'll see a vicious animal attacking a not-quite-so-helpless victim. There's a few other things i can't tell you yet, but it's very important that you're as nice and friendly as possible..."  
  
-------  
  
Makoto Kino was very puzzled by this. Both the attack she had witnessed, the sullen girl she had rescued from a dastardly sneak attack, and now Greylle-san was meeting the two of them in a cafe.  
  
Where the heck was her promised boyfriend?!  
  
Greylle waited until the waitress had taken the order before opening. "You know that in any relationship, friends or better, a certain degree of honesty is best?"  
  
Both Makoto and the girl looked shocked.  
  
"Now, Usagi can potentially heal people, remove curses, things like that," Greylle mentioned casually. "She just needs to survive long enough to master skills like that."  
  
Makoto glanced at the girl, then at the dragon. "Uhm, are you sure you should mention things like that..."  
  
"Cure curses?" Excitement began to creep into the girl's voice. "How?"  
  
"Consider it an advanced martial arts manuever, one of those exclusive school things." Greylle had gone over several different ways to approach this situation. "Unfortunately she's being threatened by some pretty nasty types? Ah, my tea."  
  
Makoto twitched in severe discomfort, wanting to not have this conversation in a public place.   
  
The girl pursed her lips briefly, waiting until the waitress had moved away again. "Yakuza?"   
  
"No. Sort of a private army planning on overthrowing the Japanese government. They currently don't have the resources, but they *do* have ears and eyes in odd places." He wasn't lying, he couldn't lie due to being "on duty" as it were. That didn't mean he couldn't try to couch the situation in terms his audience could grasp.  
  
The girl looked into her own cup of tea, frowning in thought. "So. You get my help, then you help me?"  
  
"It's not a bad offer, is it?" Greylle gave a gesture as of balancing weights. "You get a place to stay, a place to practice your martial arts, some really good fights and the chance to save a lot of lives, and eventually i think Usagi will be able to cure you of that curse. It also gets you away from your father for awhile, which will help you in a lot of things, Ranma."  
  
The redhaired girl frowned. "How do you know so much about me? For that matter, why should I care about getting away from Oyaji? He *is* my father, you know."  
  
"Catfist, abandoning friends, swimming the Sea Of Japan, Jusenkyo, the Amazon village. Need i go on?" Greylle considered the sullen sometimes girl. "Let me tell you something else, join up with him again and he'll engage you to some girl who'll repeatedly tell you how much she hates you. You'll be used and sold again and again. Unless you break free, your father will continue to run your life and you *know* what his judgement can be like. Just look at your reflection there if you need a reminder."  
  
Makoto opened her mouth, a dozen questions ready to leap off her tongue.  
  
"Save lives, huh?" Ranma reached out, picked up her glass of tea, and dumped it over her head.  
  
Makoto's mouth was still open, but she was too shocked to ask any of those questions now.  
  
"Makoto can also help you with a few other things. She's really into martial arts herself, but of course nowhere near at your skill level so you can help her there. So you can be her sensei in the martial arts, and she can be your sensei in other things."  
  
"What is there besides martial arts?" Ranma tried to think of what the rest of the other stuff was called. Wasn't martial arts everything important?  
  
"You'd be surprised, Ranma. Look, i'll leave you two alone. It would be best if Ranma stayed at your place for now, Makoto." Greylle held up a hand as Makoto began to protest. "Ranma can be quite the gentleman if he puts his mind to it. Just remember he doesn't know much of anything beyond martial arts and will need some pointers to avoid giving offense where he doesn't mean to give it."  
  
--------  
  
Greylle whistled happily. He'd stuck around briefly, watching from a distance, and the two were slowly relaxing around each other. Makoto wasn't as confrontational as certain other individuals, therefore Ranma wouldn't get his dander up in response. The two would live together in close proximity, plus have the sensei-teishi relationship.  
  
Makoto's skills would grow by leaps and bounds with Ranma Saotome as her teacher. Ranma's people skills and education could be carefully guided into existence. Makoto's height and martial arts talent, not to mention strength, were major turn-offs to Japanese boys. Ranma could care less about such things. Ranma frankly needed someone to talk to, who could accept his weirdness level without being too judgemental, and help him to grow as a person.  
  
All in all, a definitely viable potential match-up.  
  
He'd *heard* of someone in Divine Intervention getting Akane and Ranma together. Which was silly, if they were a Fated Couple then they didn't need any help. Whereas someone as nice and helpful as Makoto certainly deserved help.  
  
That left Rei, who might or might not get Yuuichiro or whatever his name was. Ami, as far as he knew, had brief crushes on Ryo Urawa and some guy named Mercurious but neither were fated to work out. Minako should be showing up soon. Eventually, Hotaru and possibly Setsuna. Hmmm.  
  
Greylle looked through the Metro Tokyo phonebook briefly. They needed boyfriends and allies, or both. That meant... hmmmm.  
  
-------  
  
Grandfather Hino stared at the odd device being assembled in the yard of the shrine.  
  
Rei, being the far more worldly Shinto shrine maiden, also stared. "What exactly is that?"  
  
"Mmmmfff?!" Greylle took the socket wrench out of his mouth. An old habit of his he'd tried to break was getting busy with both hands and putting tools or pens in his mouth while he fiddled with the problem at hand. "Right now it's not much of anything. When i'm done it'll be a sort of motorcycle."  
  
"Uh huh," said Rei. "This is a Shinto shrine. We have to ask the spirits for permission."  
  
"Already did. Hikaru said it was fine." Greylle went back to trying to fit the parts together. "Oh, and he wanted to know if you had any more of that special wood you fed into the fire at last New Year's. He really fancied that."  
  
Synchronized blinking from both natives. "Huh?"  
  
"Your sacred flame is sacred because it's the favored access point of a Class Two Fire Spirit named Hikaru. Some kind of guardian warrior type, i didn't press for details and he didn't volunteer." Greylle finally clicked the two pieces together and started tightening them. "By the way, the feng shui is wrong. You need to rotate the angle of the logs with the point towards the door."  
  
"Ah," said Rei, remembering where this boy had said he'd come from.  
  
"You talk to spirits?" Grandfather Hino had remembered something about the boy being some sort of foreign priest but hadn't gotten the details. He was wondering now if it could be important.  
  
"Well yes, it's only polite to say hello to the locals. Sorry if i overstepped myself." Greylle wondered if he had encroached on the fellow's authority. Japanese being Japanese, they probably had some ritual involved he hadn't observed. Until he left this timeline, he might not be able to shift back to his natural form - that of a fifty-two foot long silver dragon but he had some minor talents from being a polymorphed dragon of his breed anyway. One of which was that he had a pretty good chance of communicating with any sentient being. Greylle strongly suspected that was one of the main reasons his base reality had been rewritten to dragon.  
  
Grandfather Hino had been getting weird feelings about this boy since day one, now he thoughtfully placed it. Some form of supernatural being? What kind of benign (having observed carefully for signs of that) supernatural being took human form and moved among humanity to assist it, though the boy was obviously neither divine nor infernal in origin? Kappa? No, he'd spend more time around water. Shikigami? Too human looking. Hengeyokai? Possibly. Badger? No. Kitsune? Also no.   
  
Greylle had already returned his attention to fitting pipes together. "With this, Ami will be able to meet her Great Love."  
  
"Ami's great love is who?"  
  
"No. i considered Who, he is a Doctor after all, but figured he'd be a better match for Setsuna." Greylle started connecting a fuel hose.  
  
"Who?" Rei asked.  
  
"Exactly," agreed Greylle. "It's too bad Bultar Swan isn't here, she'd be able to find you girls boyfriends inside a week."  
  
"Who?" Rei was beginning to get a little irritated.  
  
"No, not him. Bultar Swan, a Jedi knight acquaintance. Cute girl, hobby of matchmaking. Good lightsaber skills. Pity about that rule of Jedi not being allowed to form permanent attachments outside the order." Though having friends was apparently not against the rules. Didn't matter much, Bultar was one of those scheduled to die when Prime Minister Palpatine became the Emperor and sent his Sith to slaughter the Jedi. At which point she'd join the valkyrie. "She sort of compensates by matching up practically every non-Jedi friend and acquaintance she has."  
  
Grandfather Hino looked puzzled, the boy knew some sort of 'knight'? Or did he mean samurai?  
  
"So who would be a good match for Ami?" Rei was moving from irritated to mildly ticked off.  
  
"Yes, he would, but like i said Setsuna would be a better match." Greylle began screwing in the air filtration system.  
  
"WHO is Setsuna?"  
  
"No. Doctor Who. Come to think of it, he's too much into meddling. Setsuna wouldn't like him at all."  
  
"WHO likes to meddle?!" Rei was beginning to twitch now. Grandfather Hino decided wisely to go check the front steps and see if they needed sweeping.  
  
"Yes he does," said Greylle agreeably. "Oh, and Yuuichiro should be coming around shortly."  
  
"WHO is Yuuichiro?" Rei was actually growling now.  
  
"No, WHO is the Doctor. Yuuichiro is your Fated Lover, though you break up with him sometime after the formation of Crystal Tokyo normally. That's your own lookout."  
  
Yuuichiro peered curiously at the odd machine being built, then he glanced up and forgot entirely the strange wheel-less motorcycle as his eyes beheld a raven-haired vision of loveliness.  
  
Greylle glanced up. "Ah, there he is now."  
  
Rei looked around, seeing only some scruffy looking surfer boy. "Where?" (Blink blink.) "You mean Shaggy over there?"  
  
"Nah Shaggy ends up with Daphne, usually. Fred ends up with Velma. Scooby Doo follows Shaggy following the breakup of the gang after the Mystery Machine fails emission testing. Later on, Shaggy gets arrested for making 'funny brownies' a few too many times, and Fred becomes the manager of a grocery store in Los Angeles county. No, that boy who's staring at you and drooling on himself. That's your true love, Yuuichiro." Greylle shrugged. Once he got this fixed, Ami could regularly visit Ryo Urawa even over long distances. Having a precog around to bolster and confirm Rei's visions would help.  
  
Rei looked disgusted. Okay the boy was tall and fairly buff. He also (as a breeze confirmed) hadn't bathed in several days. Maybe he cleaned up really nicely?  
  
--------  
  
Greylle smiled to himself as the night was young and the war against Queen Beryl had ended. Oddly enough they had not required bringing anyone back from the dead.  
  
Ryouga had joined forces with Ranma after considerable talking and reasoning with both Minako and Makoto. The two weren't up to fighting Hunter/Killer youma, but they were improving their skills every chance they got - especially because they had a clear cut goal to achieve.   
  
Minako wasn't too sure about Ryouga but it looked likely. Makoto was having a good influence on Ranma. Ranma was well fed, training students (Makoto and Minako when Ryouga was out of town), feeling useful, and getting considerably more mellow than in Rumiko Takahashi's manga or even most of the timelines visited by Greylle previously. There were little misunderstandings, like when Ryouga wandered into the Aino bathroom and a little black piglet had nearly died from nosebleed, but things were progressing well there.  
  
Ryo and Ami were getting along fine. The jetbike was capable of speeds in excess of 500mph. Decorated with the Mercury symbol and a minor enchantment, it had some fog generators. It would take a lot longer to add an ice ray, though that was sadly something he didn't have time for.  
  
Rei and Yuuichiro weren't getting along that well, but they hadn't killed each other and that was a hopeful sign. Had things been that conflict-ridden to begin with?  
  
Everything looked in place, and he'd just finished building the other jetbikes. Color coded for the Senshi. Not as fast or as elegant as a Sailor Teleport, but good for getting around Tokyo among other things.  
  
There wasn't much else he could do. He couldn't shift into dragon, and there were only minor talents like the translation effect that carried over to his human form. He was a little stronger and tougher than he looked, but not overtly superhuman in scope. At least not in a Ranma universe. His clerical magic was mainly for healing and protection - and that was stepping into Usagi's territory for the most part. Same with divinations.  
  
It was kind of like being an extra in a movie, except you did get to talk to the real stars on occasion. You tried to stay in the background and not affect anything major - just nudge things a little. At least in the typical Intervention job. This Wish-granting stuff was a bit more frontline - and he was looking forward now to getting back to his usual brooding alone in some non-anime timeline, looping vines where the hero could swing across a chasm to safety and that sort of thing. Then he could get back to his own timeline.  
  
Greylle looked around, not seeing anyone. "Okay. Assignment over, status complete. Gate Open!"  
  
A pillar of light formed in front of the polymorphed dragon. Everything would be fine now and he could get on to the next assignment.  
  
The light faded. "Access Denied. Mission Incomplete."  
  
"Oh." Standing in the dark, figurative and literal, Greylle wondered what he had missed.  
  
"Let me go! I can take her!" "No way!"  
  
Greylle slapped one fist into the other hand's palm. Ranma carrying Makoto away from a fight because Makoto might win it? He could guess who had just made an appearance.  
  
*THWAM!*  
  
The semi-divine operative staggered as a high speed body impacted his own body with the usual translation of kinetic energy. However, the high speed body was also staggered as the boy didn't go down in the expected manner.  
  
"STUPID BOY! WHERE RANMA GO?"  
  
Purple hair, mini-dress, no bra, major attitude. "Oh dear. Shampoo smash. Shampoo crush. Shampoo strongest one there is. Funny, i just realized you talk in Hulkspeak. Hmmm."  
  
Shampoo blinked. "YOU MAKE FUN OF SHAMPOO?! SHAMPOO KILL!"  
  
She was obviously exhausted and not thinking clearly. Even as much as she usually did. Why couldn't the typical Ranma protaganist sit down over a nice cup of tea and calmly work on ways that various honor and personal commitments and grievances could be addressed?  
  
Shampoo found her attack slapped to the side, and a moment later she was in an airplane spin which was abruptly followed by a closeup view of the pavement.  
  
*CRUNCH*  
  
"i don't have time for this Shampoo." Greylle addressed the heap. "Computer, open a channel. Address e-mail. Urd. Am currently faced with several girls who need assistance with their love lives. Thought you might enjoy. sign - Greylle. Send message."  
  
----------  
  
Ami had this distracted look and smile. Minako had a similar distracted look and was grinning. Makoto looked exhausted and happy. Usagi looked considerably less happy but somewhat content.  
  
Rei grumbled. Why did she end up with a surfer boy who didn't bathe nearly often enough?  
  
Luna cleared her throat. "We should get rid of the hovercycles and other gadgets. They are not Senshi issue equipment. And as for these relationships..."  
  
*THUMP!* *WHUMP!* *WHAP!* *FLUMP!*  
  
Various girls adjusted their seats now that their cushions were piled atop Luna.  
  
Ami cleared her throat. "Uhm. Is that Amazon girl calmed down yet?"  
  
Rei clucked. "I think she's gotten even worse. Was the Chinese Water Torture really necessary?"  
  
Minako adjusted her skirt again. "I wanted to see that Comfy Chair torture he'd threatened to use."  
  
"I still think it sounds hentai," complained Rei.  
  
"That's why I wanted to see it," admitted Minako.  
  
"Ranma wants to know if he can wear something other than a tuxedo, says formal wear to life-and-death combat is just plain silly," volunteered Makoto.  
  
"Ryouga said something very similar," said Minako, nodding. "Though he looked *very* nice in a tux. So did your Ranma."  
  
"Thank you," agreed Makoto. "I noticed."  
  
Ami got a little sparkly eyed as she pictured her boyfriend in a tuxedo, coming to her rescue.  
  
-----------  
  
"You defeat Shampoo," muttered Shampoo.  
  
"Yes. i defeat Shampoo. Slam Shampoo into ground. Shampoo go boom." Greylle shook his head. "Tie Shampoo to tree. Set water torture up. Shampoo stop try to kill Ranma?"  
  
"You make fun of Shampoo?!" Shampoo snarled.  
  
"Yes," said Greylle. "You keep acting like a low grade moron, Shampoo. Stop acting like 'Shampoo the Barbarian' and i won't treat you like some lame 'Red Sonja' clone."  
  
"Shampoo not understand," said Shampoo as she checked her bindings again.  
  
"Oh, and by the way, the Kiss Of Marriage or Kiss Of Death do not apply to me," said Greylle. He'd chosen this patch of woods for a reason.  
  
"You is Outsider Male," said Shampoo, a little surprised that this guy knew of it.  
  
"Yes, but not a human male," said Greylle, and then blurred to assume his real form, having overcome the limitation earlier. He spread his wings and snarled, shooting a quick blast of his frost breath weapon up into the sky. "You see."  
  
"...beautiful..."  
  
Greylle blinked. That hadn't been the reaction he'd hoped for.  
  
-----------  
  
Rei wasn't satisfied.  
  
Ami got a psychic nerdboy, but a fairly cute psychic nerdboy.  
  
Makoto got a really cute, really built, martial artist studmeister. Okay, his mouth seemed to operate independently of his brain frequently and there was also the problem that he turned into a girl on an irregular basis.  
  
Minako got a really cute, really built, stud of her own. If he could lay off the vengeance and show up more often - he'd be a real find.  
  
Usagi had Tuxedo Kamen, aka Mamoru.  
  
What did she get? Yuuichiro. Surferboy klutz.  
  
Ryo, Ranma, Ryouga, Mamoru. All knew about their costumed identities and got involved in their fights. Ryo with pre-battle intelligence gathering. Ranma and Ryouga providing distractions and occasional thrashing of the minions. Mamoru with timely interventions and usually pretty good advice.  
  
What good would Yuuichiro be in a fight, besides the victim of the week?  
  
No, Rei Hino was not even moderately satisfied with this. Okay, maybe Yuuichiro wasn't that bad apart from some little problems like the lack of combat ability. Maybe if Ranma and Ryouga worked at it, they could bring him up to speed in a few years. Maybe she was being too rough on him?  
  
It would have been a lot easier, reflected Rei, if Yuuichiro could manage an Akuryo Taisan or something.  
  
-----------  
  
"GATE OPEN!"  
  
"Access denied."  
  
"Crap! Shimmata! Who the heck is left?!"  
  
"Dragon-san!"  
  
"Knock it off, Shampoo!"  
  
-----------  
  
Greylle sat back. He'd fixed Shampoo up with a normal guy. Sort of. Well maybe not too normal. Not very normal at all really. Downright bizarre.  
  
"How did this happen?" Soun Tendo demanded of the heavens. Softly though, as he didn't want to wake his new wife.  
  
"i went through this, and i'm not too sure myself," admitted Greylle. "i know it involved cheese fondue, post hypnotic dim sum, pressure points, a wedding chapel that specialized in quick ceremonies, and the Xi Fang Gao technique, but i lost track of things about the time that Mousse declared holy vengeance against you and was trampled by those lemmings."  
  
"Is that what those are?" Soun said brightly. "I thought they were just big hamsters. I managed to keep track of events up until the Martial Arts French Culturists showed up."  
  
"Second or third time?" Greylle asked inquisitively, sipping on his tea.  
  
"Third. I think," Soun said after sitting down. He took a cup of tea absently. "Kasumi made this?"  
  
"Uhm, no. i did. Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane are off at a hotel. Something about the noise last night," helpfully supplied Greylle.  
  
Soun winced. "It isn't my fault."  
  
Greylle smiled. He was tempted to hit the fellow with a table and say something about how he had it coming. Nah, he'd actually helped him out, not that he had intended to.  
  
----------  
  
"Gate Open!"  
  
"Access denied!"  
  
"#$$%**!"  
  
"Two demerits applied to Operative Greylle's file."  
  
Greylle frowned at the gate. "Ami has Ryo. Rei has Yuiichiro. Makoto has Ranma. Minako has Ryoga. Shampoo has Soun. Who the heck is left?"  
  
"...dead scream..."  
  
The blast slammed into him, spinning him head over heels and leaving a nice sized hole where the fortune telling scrolls had been. "What the heck?"  
  
Sailor Pluto stood, gathering her power. Even if you were a Sailor Senshi, immortal dragons weren't a pushover. "...dead scream..."  
  
Greylle was just getting to his feet when the next blast slammed into him, the blocking arm now hanging at an unnatural angle. "Setsuna?!"  
  
"You have tampered with the time stream, the way things are meant to be, the way they must be," said Sailor Pluto. "With your death, I can snip the changes so that they never happened."  
  
"Why?" Greylle struggled back to his feet.  
  
"Geas," said Pluto simply, readying another attack. "dead scream."  
  
Right arm broken in two places, three ribs from the last attack, Greylle struggled to get up. "But Crystal Tokyo is still there..."  
  
"It is not the same Crystal Tokyo," said Sailor Pluto. "It has to be. Everything was fine up until the Black Moon and Chibi-usa. Now the future is locked and anything that does not follow the same pattern must be obliterated. I was tasked to maintain Crystal Tokyo and now if any outcome would be happier - it must be annihilated."  
  
Greylle looked up to see a tear trickling down the cheek of his executioner.  
  
"dead scream. dead scream. dead scream." Sailor Pluto finally finished firing off the shots. "Sometimes I really hate my job but the timeline must be kept pure."  
  
=============  
  
This was written awhile back in a different form. Why is Setsuna/Pluto so *relieved* on both occasions that she dies? Could it be that there are burdens in her duty implied but not mentioned?  
  
=g  
============ 


	37. Shampooed omake

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE  
  
from an idea by Kender_Sci and Thrythlind  
  
"...and that's why today is special," said Cologne as she set the book of law to the side. "For her first infraction, the Jusenkyo Curse. For the failures so far. Exile at best. Death is likely. There are worse penalties and those depend mainly on how the other Elders judge her."  
  
"It's your own STUPID laws," said Akane hotly. "I don't see how this has any bearing on anyone not stuck in the Stone Age?"  
  
"Such as marriage arrangements made by parents prior to having children, or seppuku pledges made by one of those same parents?" Cologne asked.  
  
"Well..." allowed Akane, hating to concede the point but having privately to note that her own life had its share of stupidity imposed from without.  
  
"Chinese honor is no less sacred than the Japanese variety, nor is our blood any less red," pointed out Cologne. "So I have spoken with Shampoo and she has found an alternative even though she isn't happy about it. Not completely."  
  
"What kind of alternative?" Nabiki asked, wondering how to set odds.  
  
"I pointed out that getting a piece of the pie is a better alternative than skipping dessert entirely," said Cologne with a hint or two of amusement.  
  
Akane was about to ask what that meant when she was interrupted.  
  
*Ding Ding* "AIREN!" (GLOMP!)  
  
Kasumi caught the bicycle before it could crash into the wall and regarded the scene before her.  
  
Nabiki stared for a moment before a giggle escaped her. The giggle became a snort which proceeded full blown laughter.  
  
Akane twitched a lot. "Shampoo? Ranma's over there!"  
  
"Shampoo know that. Hello Ranma! Shampoo spending time with new wife!"  
  
Akane started struggling, but as she was caught in the Amazon Glomp was having trouble getting loose.  
  
"Wife?" Ranma asked, puzzled. He was also torn between being concerned for Akane and want to laugh about how now Akane was discovering it wasn't as easy to get out of as she'd always insisted.  
  
"Yes, Shampoo decided to declare that Akane has fighting potential and spirit - therefore nominated her for Amazon Tribal Adoption under the case of Rinse Vs Council 1874." Cologne watched Shampoo give a very passionate kiss of marriage to Akane. "Normally Shampoo isn't into other girls, but in order to have a chance at Ranma she's decided to include Akane in the marriage. Mazeltov! I have some special sake I acquired for the occasion."  
  
Akane realized this was some kind of martial arts fight! Shampoo's fingers were digging into shiatsu points and the girl's tongue seemed to be probing for the same in her mouth. Well, Akane Tendo doesn't lose! Much at least.  
  
"Whoa!" Nabiki said as the two seemed to start grappling in earnest. One glance at Ranma showed that he was staring and fairly pale. With one finger she reached out and knocked him over.  
  
Soun frowned. "Uhm. You were saying something about sake?"  
  
---------  
  
Ranma opened his mouth to say something then closed it. There was an odd familiarity about this scene that had occurred on the way to school.  
  
*ding ding* "AIREN!" (Glomp!)  
  
Ranma checked himself. Decidedly devoid of Amazonian cling-on accessories.   
  
"You know, when she did this to you," Akane said to the pavement as she was currently pinned underneath a bike tire, "it was obvious that it was because you were flirting with her."  
  
"Actually," said Nabiki, her nose in a borrowed book of Amazon Law & Cultures, "the whole glomp and bicycle thing is due to a rule of engagement. What you're supposed to do is take the initiative in the relationship and prove your strength by fending her off. THAT would constitute flirting in the Amazon culture."  
  
"Hmmmm hmmmmmm," agreed Shampoo as she looked down on the pinned Akane. "Can't wait for school be over so Shampoo can give advanced training to Airen!"  
  
"What kind of training is that?!" Akane said through gritted teeth as she attempted to force the Amazon and bicycle off her back.  
  
"Martial arts training, silly airen. Unless you want be housekeeper/maid type," said Shampoo cheerfully. "Shampoo have to train you to high standards."  
  
Ranma had finally figured out what to say in this situation when arrows started landing all around them. Three went through Shampoo's bicycle to her considerable annoyance.  
  
"RANMA! YOU LOWLIFE LOSER!" Mousse leapt down and addressed a streetpost. "Because of you being less than a man, Shampoo has had to turn to Akane and now she's a lesbian! Ranma Saotome this is all your fault!"  
  
Ranma had a ready reply to that, but a question was asked instead. "What's a 'lesbian'?"  
  
Nabiki blinked a couple of times. "Excuse me. I'll just go over here in the corner and laugh my dimpled butt off... don't mind me."  
  
"Grrrrrr," growled Akane as her sister began laughing.  
  
"So, Mousse, since Shampoo's after Akane now, I suppose that means you'll be trying to marry Akane so you can marry Shampoo?" Ranma asked, still not entirely clear on what was going on.  
  
Akane froze. Shampoo froze. Nabiki stopped to stare incredulously but then started laughing again.  
  
Mousse considered briefly then nodded. "It's a sacrifice, but I suppose it is one that I must take. Akane Tendo! Prepare to be defeated!" Mousse, it should be noted, also had no real clue as to what was going on.  
  
"RANMA YOU IDIOT!" Akane declared as she got up in order to fall upon Mousse and begin pummelling him.  
  
"SHAMPOO HELP STUDENT DEAL WITH DISTRACTION!" Shampoo declared as she also began beating on Mousse.  
  
Ranma opened his mouth to say something, stopped, blinked, and wandered off mumbling about this odd deja vu.  
  
-----------  
  
Ranma wasn't concerned at first. Not at all. Just ask him.  
  
When Akane didn't show up for roll call of the first class, well, he responded as he thought appropriate. Which was to say how Akane would have reacted.  
  
"Oh, she's off flirting with Shampoo," said Ranma to the teacher's inquiry. "I think. I'm still not sure what's going on in that regard."  
  
And with that comment the well oiled machinery of Furinkan's gossip network set to work.  
  
Tomoyo stated that she'd thought Akane was like that but hadn't wanted to say anything.  
  
Sakura exclaimed that she wasn't, earning a hurt look from Tomoyo.  
  
Hiroshi wondered if Ranma ever got his Jusenkyo curse cured, would Akane dump him?  
  
Daisuke speculated about Akane in the girl's shower.  
  
Daisuke got a schoolbook upside the head. Hiroshi silently gave thanks that he hadn't said that.  
  
Ukyo was quiet and speculative.  
  
Hikaru proclaimed that it was Ranma's fault for not being much of a man. Nobody paid any attention, it was Gosunkugi after all.  
  
Yuka declared that Akane wasn't like that. Sayuri proclaimed her own support of Akane.  
  
Daisuke speculated about Yuka, Sayuri, and Akane. Daisuke got two schoolbooks upside the head.  
  
-----------  
  
Akane woke up. Where was she?! An unfamiliar ceiling?!  
  
And why was she wearing a Chinese dress?!!  
  
"Oh, airen, you is awake," said a familiar voice.  
  
There was Shampoo working on something.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAA!" Akane exclaimed, putting 1 and 2 and 3 together and coming up with the cosign of 55.  
  
"Not so loud, Akane-airen."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAA!" Akane exclaimed again, realizing she was lying in Shampoo's bed in Shampoo's room.  
  
"Almost done here, please not to scream like that." Shampoo said as she finished sewing up a rip in Akane's school uniform.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAA!" Akane repeated as she realized she smelled like Shampoo.  
  
"There, all done! Akane-airen uniform get ripped up, much messy, when Mousse use explosives in attack. Shampoo fix!" Shampoo displayed the uniform. "Can barely see rip now."  
  
"AAAAAA - oh," said Akane as she realized the answer to the previous equation might not be what she thought it was. "Then you... I... we didn't..."  
  
"Shampoo still not quite ready for that, if Akane insist on it," Shampoo lowered her head and blushed. "Shampoo like boys, not so much like girls. Shampoo thank Akane for not insisting we do."  
  
"Nononononononono!" Akane shook her head so fast that sweatdrops flew in all directions. "Don't put yourself out on my account!"  
  
Shampoo turned a happy smile on Akane. "Shampoo thank. You needs go school now. Shampoo meet you after for begin training."  
  
---------  
  
Mousse was listening. The only reason he wasn't intervening was that he was currently a duck and in a cage.  
  
"AAAAAAAAA!"   
  
Akane's voice?!  
  
"AAAAAAAAA!"   
  
It couldn't be, could it?  
  
"AAAAAAAAA!"   
  
It was! Oh, poor Shampoo. If only Ranma had been a proper man and ravished Shampoo!  
  
"AAAAAA -oh!"  
  
Mousse wept. It was too late now. A consummated kiss of marriage between Akane and Shampoo. The little duck in a cage pulled a little paper bag out of somewhere and put it over his head. Oh, the shame of it.  
  
---------  
  
"You're late... Miss... Tendo..." the teacher's voice trailed off to nothing and he stared.  
  
"AKANE?!" The rest of the class exclaimed and also stared.  
  
Akane moved thoughtfully to her desk and carefully sat down. She still hurt in a lot of places. Damn duck. "Teacher, I'm sorry I'm late. I was... delayed by a martial arts fight."  
  
"Is that what they call it now?" The teacher asked, feeling a bit faint. He was so startled that all thought of punishment was wiped from his mind.  
  
Everyone else looked at how mussed up, even tousled, Akane looked. Was that Shampoo's scent clinging to her? Well, that and muscle rub? Her uniform though - looked freshly cleaned and pressed.  
  
"Not so easy to escape the Amazon Glomp, is it?" Ranma asked finally.  
  
"No, I have to agree on that," said Akane. "Not nearly so easy... Hey you jerk! You left me to fend... for myself... never mind."  
  
Ranma scratched his head. Wasn't she always telling him not to butt in on her fights? Girls! Who could figure them?  
  
----------  
  
Akane was confused. Her pigeonhole of Shampoo had been that Shampoo was a stupid bimbo from a backwards village.  
  
"Shampoo think Akane relax and loosen up first, be much better for first lesson."  
  
That Shampoo was apparently taking the role of sensei seriously flew completely in the face of what she had thought she had known about the Amazon. Apparently she had been moved from "Rival/Obstacle" to some other category altogether.  
  
"Violent perv... Akane way too tight in shoulders. Need loosen up, movements must flow." Shampoo's hands found the knots of muscles and quickly began the work of massaging them down.  
  
Nabiki, who'd been paid by Akane to watch just in case something perverted was going to happen, craned her neck over. "Interesting. That isn't a pressure point, was it?"  
  
"This pressure point right here," explained Shampoo. "Is one for make relaxed."  
  
"MMmmmmm," protested Akane.  
  
"Wouldn't it be better if she were lying down?" Nabiki asked.  
  
"Would be easier," admitted Shampoo. "Shampoo get strange feeling Akane might be harder to relax though."  
  
"True," admitted Nabiki. "How about lying her out on the floor of the dojo here?"  
  
"Is good idea," agreed Shampoo.  
  
"What?! NABIKI!" Akane protested as she was flipped over. "Hey!"  
  
Shampoo hit another pressure point. "Shampoo still not that happy with idea of co-wife. Akane stop try get Shampoo to prove what she say."  
  
"Gkkk!" Akane said as her muscles went limp.  
  
Nabiki came back with a blanket as Shampoo began massaging Akane from the soles of her feet on up. She waited until Shampoo was about halfway up before clearing her throat. "You have to massage there too?"  
  
"Is muscle group there, feel very tight," said Shampoo. "Akane have very muscular butt."  
  
"Just checking," said Nabiki.  
  
"Oooooooooooo," managed Akane, who was making a note that maybe Nabiki wasn't the best one to watch over her. On the other hand this was feeling very very good.  
  
"Do Akane get frequent headaches? Muscles of neck feel very tense, is usually sign."  
  
"Akane? Gee, does she ever get worked up and upset about things? Let me see if I can remember such an instance," pondered Nabiki with a thick layer of sarcasm.  
  
"oooooooooOOOOOO," said Akane, her eyes rolling up in her head. That felt *so* good.  
  
"Relaxation point wear off soon," said Shampoo. "You might want stand away. Akane have little temper problem."  
  
"You think?" Nabiki asked. "Ever consider doing massages like that for relatives of your 'airen'? I've been known to get stressed out too."  
  
"Shampoo think about it."  
  
Akane tried flexing her fingers then her toes. Everything was working. She was still alive. "Okay. Do we start sparring now?"  
  
Shampoo grinned. "First lesson. Shampoo have much show Akane."  
  
Nabiki snorted. "Yeah, I'll bet."  
  
"Like Shampoo was saying. Will wait on Amazon secrets until Akane-airen feel she no longer need chaperone."  
  
Akane gaped at the interpretation, though technically it was fairly accurate. Nabiki merely chuckled.  
  
"Shampoo first work on fixing holes in Akane-airen's defense. You is ready?"  
  
----------  
  
Ranma winced and groaned and sweated. He couldn't stand it. Girls getting hurt was just so wrong.  
  
Akane kept throwing punches and the occasional kick. Shampoo kept slapping stickers on Akane marked with the kanji for "Failure."   
  
"Akane-airen stop leaving openings! You wants me get great grandmother? She use bamboo strike stick, leave welts so student remember!"  
  
"Grrrrrr!"  
  
"Extend too far! Keep center!"  
  
"Rrrr!"  
  
"Too slow. If make move, make fast!"  
  
"All right this time for real!"  
  
*Crunch* *thud* *smash* *bash* *wham!*  
  
"Okay. That is end of spar session today! Akane show much promise!"  
  
"Mfffff!"  
  
Nabiki blinked. "You hogtied her and gagged her in her own gi. Exactly how is that 'promise'?"  
  
"She has nowhere go but up, yes? We works on blocks tomorrow. Take bath with airen now. Sneaky girl come too?"  
  
Nabiki shook her head. "No. You two go right ahead."  
  
"MFFFFF!" Akane protested.  
  
"Akane must really want do wild thing with Shampoo. Shampoo is flattered but still is not ready for that. Shampoo apologize."  
  
"MFFFF!" protested Akane as she was slung over a shoulder and carried off.  
  
Ranma watched and was again torn by indecision. To protest or not. To spy or not. Hmmm. Actually if he showed up, most likely Shampoo would be "too too happy" about it and try to do something. Maybe he should just stay where he was.  
  
---------  
  
One week later:  
  
Akane stepped out of her front door and started looking around for the attack. She knew it was coming. Somehow, somewhere, there was an Amazon Glomp with her name on it.  
  
Ranma, more relaxed than he'd been in quite some time, watched as a little black pig wandered in.  
  
"P-chan!" Akane started forward.  
  
(ding ding) *thud!* "Airen!"  
  
"Bwee?" P-chan blinked. Akane had been flattened under Shampoo's bicycle?  
  
"Akane make this too too easy," said Shampoo. "Why for you drop guard?"  
  
"Mmffff," said Akane as she was kissing pavement. "Mmfff p-chmmm!"  
  
"Oh. Hello, pig-boy," said Shampoo. "You no allowed to sleep with Akane or watches her undress no more. She now Shampoo wife."  
  
"BWEEEEE?!" P-chan asked, a dribble of blood coming out of his nose.  
  
"Shampoo. Get off," said Akane, still mashed to the pavement.  
  
"Shampoo not ready to get off with Akane. Shampoo apologize about be so slow but just really not too sure about do co-wife like thats."  
  
Ranma wondered what Shampoo meant.  
  
"BWEEE?!" P-chan also wondered what Shampoo meant, but thought he had the general idea.  
  
"Huh?" Akane asked, the innuendo going right past her.  
  
"Akane Tendo! For turning Shampoo into a lesbian, DIE!"  
  
"Bweeee?" P-chan asked, wondering what a 'lesbian' was. Oh. Wait a minute. Didn't that mean?! "BWEEEEE!" *spurt!*  
  
"I wonder what that means," said Ranma who still had no clue even after seeing P-chan nosebleed with such force that he shot across the yard.  
  
"Mousse go AWAY!" Akane flung Shampoo and bicycle off and proceeded to kick Mousse over the property wall of a nearby house.  
  
"Akane finally show improvement!" Shampoo clapped her hands, grabbed Akane, and started bouncing around. "You finally not overextend! Shampoo happy!"  
  
"GAkkkk!" Akane wasn't sure how to take an enthusiastically bouncy Shampoo.  
  
"C'mon, Ranma," said Nabiki as she started walking off. "Let's give the lovebirds some privacy."  
  
"Ah yeah," said Ranma, wishing that someone would explain what all was going on.  
  
--------  
  
Ryoga wandered around in a daze. Akane was married to Shampoo?  
  
You leave for a couple of weeks and they change everything!  
  
"Damn you, Ranma! This must be your fault too!" Ryoga paused with his fist still raised to the heavens. "Somehow."  
  
----------  
  
One more week later/Two weeks after Shampoo's announcement.  
  
Akane didn't react, other than to block the ambushed attack. "Hello Shampoo."  
  
"Akane show much much improvement," approved Shampoo.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I have," grudgingly agreed Akane.   
  
"Very soon start Akane on special manuevers! She want try Breaking Point?"  
  
Akane thought back to Ryoga training in that manuever and getting boulders smashed into him. "Not just now."  
  
Ranma swallowed nervously. Akane seemed to be getting along with Shampoo. What now?  
  
"Ohohohohohoho!" announced a bouncing girl in leotard as she leapt towards Ranma.  
  
*WHAM!* Akane and Shampoo simultaneously punched the Black Rose into next week.  
  
Ukyo saw that and put her own plans of ambush to the side. She had to do something though - or she would lose out for sure!  
  
-----------  
  
Nabiki frowned at her sister. "Why do you want me to do this?"  
  
"Because I can't handle being married to another girl!" Akane practically yelled. "Dad's going along with it now. Kasumi's been won over. Ranma's no help at all. Ever since the word got out that it was her personal honor and only way to avoid death, most of the school's in favor of it! SOME of them even admire Shampoo's initiative in taking an 'official mistress' position to salvage her honor!"  
  
Nabiki let out a deep breath. "So, even though it is a choice between your pride and her life, and even if you are improving in the martial arts, you want me to find a way to break this arrangement?"  
  
"Yes!" Akane said.  
  
"There is one way," said Nabiki, holding out her book of Amazon Law. "The Ceremony Of Broken Flesh."  
  
"So I just do this and she'll go away?" Akane asked eagerly.  
  
"Not quite," admitted Nabiki. "You basically proclaim she's not worth marrying, followed by a duel. If you kill her, then you have respected her as a warrior and proclaimed her worthless as a woman. Her personal honor is lost, but her family's honor remains. If you don't kill her, well, things get worse."  
  
"Worse?" Akane asked.  
  
"If you don't kill her, then you are proclaiming her worthless as a warrior *and* as a woman. Her entire family is disgraced, her personal honor is gone, her family declares a Blood Feud and has to kill not only you but every member of your family that they can find." Nabiki looked off into the distance. "I personally think that qualifies as worse."  
  
"Can't we just contact Immigration and have them deported?" Akane suggested.  
  
"If you really think I have control of the Japanese government and can avoid opening a whole can of worms, and have a way of keeping this from becoming an escalation of violence with the potential for assassins to the destruction of an entire village to keep you safe?" Nabiki shrugged. "Personally, I think you should sit back and enjoy it. Shampoo doesn't want to bed you, just be Ranma's wife in HER laws with you as the mistress while in Japanese society she's the Mistress and you're the wife. You're getting what you want, which is martial arts training and respect from martial artists. She's getting what she wants - her shot at Ranma. Cologne's getting a future where she doesn't bury her great granddaughter in an unmarked grave. Mrs Saotome gets twice the chance for grandkids and proof of Ranma's 'manliness' so she's happy. Daddy gets one less obstacle to his plans - so he's happy."  
  
"But *I* am not happy," protested Akane.  
  
----------  
  
Shampoo considered. Ukyo was still an obstacle. She hated to do this, but if she killed Ukyo it would simply upset Ranma and everyone involved.  
  
----------  
  
"Well, Ukyo-sama," pointed out Konatsu, "it isn't that different from your plan to seduce Akane and take the role of mistress so that you could still salvage your honor and have Ranma."  
  
"It's different, Konatsu!" Ukyo insisted.  
  
"How is it different?" Konatsu asked.  
  
"It just IS," said Ukyo, not wanting to admit she'd been outmanuevered. "Here comes the lunch rush."  
  
Discussions of mistresses and Amazons was put to the side while the work increased until Ukyo heard the sound of dropping silverware all over the restaurant. "Huh?" Her eyes flicked to the door. "WHAT?!"  
  
Shampoo stood there, dressed in a single ribbon. It was one inch wide and covered everything but Mister Kawada at table #6 had to immediately check his pacemaker and Mister Boshi at table #4 had to take one of his Nitro pills.  
  
It started as a choker on the neck, wound around her chest, and somehow terminated in bows at both ankles and both wrists. Everything important may have been covered but it was still enough that if Ryoga had been present he might have hemorraghed to death on the spot.  
  
"They say is your birthday," said Shampoo with a sultry smile and half-lidded look. "Shampoo bring you present."  
  
Mister Kawada signalled that he was choking, requiring Konatsu's help. Konatsu watched as Shampoo walked her slinky best to where Ukyo was slowly backing away. It looked like Ukyo was still gaping and staring. Oh dear.  
  
Shampoo's smile never wavered as she backed Ukyo up to the wall, and planted a light hungry kiss on the chef's mouth. Breaking it, she looked into the eyes of her target. "Wo ai ni. Now you is not obstacle. Does Spatula girl want to unwrap present?" Shampoo was hoping to get this over with before her nerve failed.  
  
Ukyo didn't know that. "EEEEEEEK!" (ZOOOM!)  
  
----------  
  
Akane was dazed and confused. She had just been reamed a new one by BOTH sisters. It had been so shocking that even P-chan had fainted!  
  
Well, she'd just get a hot soak in the tub and clean P-chan off while she was at it. She just had to figure out how to get out of this without people getting killed left and right. Right?  
  
Akane eased herself into the tub, not rinsing off in cold water for once. She had a lot on her mind. Then the weight change registered and she turned blank eyes to slowly register the weight in her lap.  
  
"Errr. Uhh. Hi, Akane! Heh heh," tried Ryoga.  
  
Akane had a habit of putting things in pigeonholes and keeping them there. Ranma was a pervert - evidence to the contrary - because when they met it was her first impression. She also tended to turn a blind eye to things that would make her uncomfortable. Ryoga being P-chan was a primary example of this. Since her mind refused to accept that P-chan had changed into Ryoga, it latched on to the next convenient explanation.  
  
Ryoga was a friend. However, friends did not sit on your lap with their... touching your...   
  
Therefore Ryoga was doing something perverted.  
  
P-chan had been present. Ryoga was now there. Therefore Ryoga had done something to P-chan.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEK!"  
  
"Hah?" Ryoga offered as he prepared to flee.  
  
"PERVERT!"  
  
Ryoga grabbed a towel as he prepared to run.  
  
The water of the furo fountained up as Akane practically went incandescent. How dare Ryoga act like a friend but then do THAT and do something to P-chan!   
  
Besides, she really needed to vent.  
  
----------  
  
Nabiki heard the shriek and cry of pervert and so picked up her camera and stood in a doorway facing the hall. She figured it would be Shampoo going too fast. Oh well.  
  
Ryoga in a towel ran by. "RANMA! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"  
  
Nabiki clicked the picture. Hmmm. Well, not exactly the picture she was aiming for.  
  
Akane in glorious flesh tones ran by. "RYOGA! YOU GET BACK HERE!"  
  
Nabiki clicked that picture too. Hmmm. Day was looking up.  
  
The stomping around on the floors allowed her to keep track of the progress. Up the stairs. Kasumi's room. Oh, that sounded breakable. Hallway. HER room?! Akane would pay for that. Akane's room. Somehow without going through the hallway. Guest room. Hallway. Happosai's room.  
  
"AH! MY PANTIES!" (CRASH, BANG, CRACK!) "YOU PHILLISTINES! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!"  
  
Down the stairs. Around the hallway. Into the kitchen.  
  
"Oh!"  
  
"Sweet!"  
  
Nabiki quickly made a guess and moved to the side near the patio.  
  
"RANMA! BECAUSE OF YOU I'VE SEEN HELL!" There went Ryouga, wearing a towel and a pair of green panties?! (click whirr) Nice 8x10 of that.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU SAY I LOOK LIKE HELL!" Akane ran out, currently wearing a nice yellow bra and panty set with a moon-and-stars print design, and with a number of other panties and bras draped over her. She also seemed to have found a mallet that bore the legend "300kg" on the side.  
  
"AHHHHH! THOSE ARE MY SECOND MOST PRECIOUS SET!" Happosai came bouncing behind.  
  
Kasumi came staggering out. "Oh dear."  
  
"Uh huh," agreed Nabiki as she finished off the roll of film and snapped in another.  
  
Around the koi pond. "RANMA!" "PERVERT!" "MY PANTIES!"  
  
Mousse appeared. "AKANE TENDO! FOR YOUR CRIMES-" (WHAM!) (BANG!) (SMASH!)  
  
Nabiki got a picture as the three ran over Mousse, and another after a pair of panties from Akane's stack landed on his face.  
  
(sniff sniff) "Shampoo? A pair of Shampoo's panties. What bliss! What... Waitaminute. Akane had one of Shampoo's panties? She's keeping trophies?! AKANE TENDO, YOU'RE A WORSE CASANOVA THAN RANMA!"  
  
Around the dojo. "IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" "WHAT DID YOU DO TO P-CHAN?!" "SWEET!" "DIE, AKANE!"  
  
(CRASH) Through a new hole in the property wall.  
  
"RANMA!" "COME BACK HERE AND BE PUNISHED!" "AW, C'MON, TAKE 'EM OFF!" "CASANOVA!"  
  
--------  
  
Tatewaki Kuno strode towards the Tendo house. Today he had heard a rumor about Akane deciding to accept a mistress. No doubt she had heard of his wrestling with his desires for herself and the pigtailed girl, and had come to this accomodation. How could he stay away?  
  
A nearly naked boy ran past him. "AHHH! WHERE'S MY BACKPACK?"  
  
Kuno shook his head. The lower classes and their petty concerns.  
  
"RYOGA! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME THERE?!"  
  
"Gak!" Now *that* comment got the Blue Thunder's attention. Some boy had taken liberties with Akane?!  
  
"Shake it baby!"  
  
Kuno thought back as Happosai bounded past. Akane hadn't been wearing a whole lot, had she? No doubt she'd been preparing herself for his arrival when...  
  
"AKANE YOU LESBIAN TRAMP! PREPARE TO DIE!"  
  
Kuno turned and gave chase. "HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE FAIR AKANE'S REPUTATION! PREPARE TO BE SMITED!"  
  
-------  
  
The Horde Of Hentai (and a few others) were debating what to do. Nerima was so boring if you weren't a martial artist and since the Akane Fights were cancelled.  
  
"ARGHHH!" Ryoga ran by.  
  
"DIE!" Akane ran by.  
  
"PANTIES!" Happosai bounced by.  
  
"PERVERT!" Mousse ran by.  
  
"KNAVE!" Kuno ran by.  
  
Hiroshi blinked. "Was Akane wearing a pair of french cut lace panel panties with matching bra?"  
  
Daisuke noddded. "Yup. Sure was."  
  
Shinju of the Sumo Club cleared his throat. "Hey, it beats sitting around here being bored."  
  
"Got a point," admitted Hiroshi. "AFTER THEM!"  
  
---------  
  
Principal Kuno looked out. Was that two of his students? Streaking?! "Hey that be fine Hawaiian tradition, but you no do that here!"  
  
And another body was added to the chase scene.  
  
---------  
  
"EEEEEEE!" Ukyo shrieked as a glance back showed that Shampoo was in hot pursuit.  
  
"AIREN!" Shampoo declared, somehow not bouncing out of her ribbon.  
  
"UKYO-SAMA!" Konatsu called out.  
  
Naturally they were on one street, Akane's chase scene on another. Naturally the streets merged.  
  
--------  
  
Yuka watched them go by. "You know, we've never gotten involved in these."  
  
Sayuri nodded. "Well I'm curious." She rang her bicycle bell a couple of times before starting to peddle.   
  
(Ding ding) Yuka aimed her own bicycle that way. (ding ding)  
  
---------  
  
Ranma sat down at Akie's and motioned to get the waitress.  
  
He didn't have much money, the tuna melt was cheap, and there were no fiancees/rivals to interrupt the meal. He could eat relatively slowly and actually taste the food.  
  
Sure he could scam free food from Ucchan's or the Cat Cafe. How often could he actually enjoy the meal?  
  
"AIIEEEE!" Ryoga ran by with an expression of fear on his face.  
  
Ranma hid his face.  
  
"RYOGA! COME BACK HERE AND ACCEPT YOUR PUNISHMENT!"  
  
"I'M NOT THAT WAY!"  
  
"UKYO-AIREN! AKANE-AIREN!"  
  
"MARTENE! MARTENE!"  
  
"LET GO OF ME, YOU STUPID WENCH!"  
  
(Bounce, bounce, bounce.)  
  
"AKANE, YOU PERVERT! HOW DARE YOU LEAD SHAMPOO ON LIKE THAT!"  
  
"UKYO-SAMA!"  
  
"KNAVE, PREPARE TO BE SMITED FOR SPEAKING THUS OF THE BEAUTEOUS AKANE!"  
  
"Akane! Let us view your near naked splendor!"  
  
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"  
  
"Keikei stop streaking! At least wear'a da grass skirt!"  
  
(ding ding)  
  
"Delinquents!"  
  
"Woof woof woof!"  
  
Ranma slowly slid back up from where he'd slumped down out of sight. "A dog? I don't recognize it. Huh. That's new."  
  
"So here's your tuna melt!" said the perky waitress. "I like the tuna melt too!"  
  
"Uhm, about what I was doing?" Ranma began, but then he looked past the waitress and stopped. People were putting aside trenchcoats, floppy hats, newspapers, and others were coming out from where they'd dove under the table.  
  
"We get a lotta people here that do that," exclaimed the waitress before skipping off to her next table.  
  
-------  
  
Sailor Pluto stepped out of an alley, put the boom box style radio on the folding table, curtseyed, and then sat down to sip a cup of tea.  
  
"Yakety sax" (Benny Hill chase music) began playing.  
  
"WHY CAN'T I GET LOST *NOW*?!" Ryoga demanded as he ran past.  
  
"COME BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT!" Akane demanded as she ran past, carrying an ogre's studded club because she felt the mallet was too cliche.  
  
"WAAAH! WHERE'D MY TOP GO?!"  
  
"RIGHT HERE SPATula- I mean AIREN!"  
  
"UKYO-SAMA!"  
  
"Akane! Let us get photos!"  
  
"FIENDS! HOW DARE YOU OBTAIN LINGERIE PHOTOS OF AKANE TENDO WITHOUT MAKING ME COPIES! I SHALL SMITE THEE!"  
  
"Keikei - I finda da nice grass skirt for you!"  
  
"OHOHOHOHO oh to heck with it."  
  
"Woof wooof woof!"  
  
"MARTENE! LASSIE! JEAN LUC!"  
  
"RYOGA, FOR DEFILING MY COLLECTION YOU MUST PAY!"  
  
"AKANE, YOU CASANOVA!"  
  
"Delinquents!"  
  
"LADIES OF THE 'WOMEN AGAINST PUBLIC VIOLENCE' - CHARGE!"  
  
(ding ding) (ding ding)  
  
"HAPPOSAI! YOU WILL CHANGE MY NAME THIS TIME!"  
  
The group ran into a costume store. When they came out, it was out the drug store on the other side.  
  
Ryoga was wearing a French maid outfit. "RANMA! BECAUSE OF YOU I HAVE SEEN PARIS!"  
  
Akane was wearing a Playboy bunny costume and carrying a large halibut. "Ryoga! Prepare to get fish-slapped!"  
  
"THAT JACKASS! HEY, why am I wearing a cheerleader costume?"  
  
"Looks very goods on airen! Matches Shampoo's outfit!"  
  
"UKYO-SAMA?! This isn't my color."  
  
"AKANE! YOU CASANOVA! HOW DARE YOU DRESS ME UP AS LITTLE BO PEEP!"  
  
"SWEET! ACK! MOUSSE! YOU'LL GIVE ME NIGHTMARES FOR A WEEK! HAPPODAIKAREN!"  
  
"Most Ominous!"  
  
(ding ding) "Say, Yuka, that catgirl suit looks cute on you!"  
  
(ding ding) "Thanks Sayuri. That chainmail bikini doesn't really seem 'you' somehow."  
  
"What happened to my dragonscale vest and why am I wearing a pink tutu?"  
  
"CHARGE!"  
  
Zoom, they went into a second store. Out they came from a third store. Now Ryoga was wearing Taro's normal clothes, Akane was wearing Ryoga's outfit, Ukyo was wearing a French maid outfit, Shampoo was wearing a Playboy bunny costume, Tatewaki Kuno was wearing the silver ribbon, Konatsu was wearing the Little Bo Peep outfit, Happosai was dressed as a nun, Mousse was wearing the pink tutu, Yuka and Sayuri were wearing cheerleader costumes, Azusa was wearing nothing at all, and Mikado was wearing a chainmail bikini.  
  
Zoom, they blurred into "Shiro's Ramen Hut." Zoom, out of "Joe's Mirror Shop" with the accompanying sounds of glass breaking and a practitioner of Martial Arts Waitressing in pursuit. Zoom into "Bull's China Shop" only to emerge a moment later from the "Spells R Us" shop with an upset wizard joining the chase.  
  
Zoom!  
  
A little pushcart from Jaki's Gumball Machines had Jaki Ohara (the personable owner, been in the business since The War) looking up just before he was run over by a guy in a bandana (currently wearing a chainmail bikini) and a little over a thousand gumballs sprung loose from his now-ruptured pushcart. (A late effect of this incident would be Jaki railing against transvestites and retiring from the business.) While Jaki tried to find his dislodged glasses, others were leaping or trying to dodge around the kneeling fellow and ended up coming down on the aforementioned gumballs.  
  
"WAHHH!" Akane (cavegirl costume with club) windmilled her arms as her balance went to pot and she noticed the next mile or so was downhill.  
  
"EEEK!" Ukyo exclaimed as things got worse. At least she was wearing a catgirl costume now.  
  
"AIREN! You come back before get injured." (SMASH!) Shampoo covered herself right before going through the pane of window glass being carried by two guys. "Good thing Shampoo wearing nun's robes. Not so good for costume."  
  
"UKYO SAMAHHHHHHHHGH!" Konatsu managed before he hit the vegetable cart.  
  
"AKANE MY LOVE!" (CRASH!) "WHAT FOUL CRETIN PUT THESE CRATES OF CHICKENS IN THE VENERABLE BLUE THUNDER'S PATH! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!" (Smash!) "AWAY IGNOBLE FOWL! STOP PECKING THE NOBLE SON OF HOUSE KUNO!"  
  
(ding ding) "Oh my how unfortunate, Yuka."  
  
(ding ding) "Glad we've got wide tires, Sayuri."  
  
"SWEET ARRGGHHHH! WHY ARE YOU WEARING A TUTU?!"  
  
"THE PERVERSITY OF AKANE TENDO KNOWS NO BOUNDS!" Mousse exclaimed, not realizing that the magic costumes changed to fit whoever was wearing them and had some potential mental effects.  
  
"The Black Rose of Saint Hebereke... say, this outfit may be pedestrian, but it really looks good on my noble self."  
  
-------  
  
The small crowd of people stopped at the intersection.  
  
A guy in a chainmail bikini ran past, followed by a cavegirl swinging a club, followed by a catgirl, followed by a nun in tattered robes, followed by a girl in a waitress outfit with pieces of vegetable sticking to her, followed by a longhaired guy in glasses wearing a pink tutu, being berated by a short old man in a schoolgirl costume, who was being whapped over the head with a halibut wielded by some guy wearing a fig leaf and yelling about the righteousness of the heavens while being pecked at by about a dozen chickens, followed by two French maids on bicycles...  
  
(ding ding)  
  
...followed by a guy and a girl in cheerleader costumes, who were being chased by a half dozen middleaged women yelling about perverts (and wearing in order in the pack: a clown suit, a Playboy Bunny costume, a feather boa and red sequined dress, a chicken costume, some strategically placed bandaids, and a football player's uniform).  
  
There was some blinking about the small crowd that had stopped.  
  
Lagging slightly behind was someone calling herself the Black Bun-bun of Saint Hebereke and wearing another Playboy Bunny costume, a trashcan complaining about everyone borrowing *his* trick, a small group of teenage boys wearing seifuku, some guy in a bathrobe, a sort of winged minotaur, a middleaged guy with a palm tree in his hair who was wearing a sheep suit, and some girl in a spacesuit.  
  
Just when they thought that was it, a middleaged guy in a gi and a panda dashed past on the trail of the others.  
  
As one, the small stopped group turned and looked at one in their midst. "Mihoshi?!"  
  
"It wasn't me! Honest!"  
  
----------  
  
Nabiki twitched as she watched things develop on the TV.  
  
"This is Yuriko Tanaka, the chase scene chaser for Channel 5 Eyewitless News! We have a chase scene in progress in Nerima ward in Tokyo and OH! They've just crossed into Shinjuku! It looks to be quite the chase scene here today folks! Wait a minute. What's a panda doing in a chase scene?"  
  
"That's it," said Nabiki, grabbing a camcorder.  
  
"Oh my, Nabiki, are you getting involved?"  
  
"Yes, Kasumi. I can sell this to the newspeople now that it's made the news. Let's go!"  
  
Kasumi blinked. "Me?"  
  
"Weren't you just complaining that you never go anywhere? Besides, we can go shopping on the way back."  
  
Kasumi considered. "That does sound like fun, but how will we keep up?"  
  
"I've got it covered," Nabiki assured her sister.  
  
---------  
  
Sailor Pluto finished dusting off a large "X" in the street, then stepped back while checking a watch.  
  
Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune ran out of an alley and stood on the red "X" without apparently noticing. "Where's the yoma? Sailor Pluto?!"  
  
"Uranus, do you remember after Galaxia when I told you that I forgave you for causing my death once through poor planning and directly killed me later by a really poorly thought out plan to surprise Galaxia?" Sailor Pluto asked as she began playing chase scene music on her boom box.  
  
"Uhm, yeah?" answered the puzzled Uranus.  
  
Pluto leaned back against the building. "I lied."  
  
(WHAM!) "Ahhhh! I'm so sorry!" A boy in a chainmail bikini said as he got all tangled up with Sailor Uranus.  
  
"GOT YOU!" (THWAM!) "Oops! Sorry!" Akane declared as her club flattened some girl in a skating outfit as Ryoga fled again.  
  
"Uranus!" Neptune declared on seeing her lover practically become one with the pavement.  
  
"SWEET!" (GLOMP!)  
  
This was so thoroughly unelegant that Sailor Neptune wasn't sure what to do. There was a shriveled little man rubbing his face against her cleavage. "URK!"  
  
The buildings began to shake, pebbles danced along the street. "DEATH TO PERVERTS!" (WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM!) "MISSED HIM!"  
  
(ding ding) "Oops. More skating martial artists?"  
  
(ding ding) "I don't know, Yuka, there's something about the blonde that reminds me of Happosai."  
  
(TRAMPLE, CRUSH, GROPE)  
  
Now with many footprints, disheveled clothing, and other marks of this experience, the two Outers slowly raised themselves up off the pavement. Sailor Pluto was nowhere to be seen, but some guy with a wooden stick and wearing a blue kendo outfit, was apparently finishing changing clothes.  
  
"What fire, what spirit, what beauty," said Tatewaki Kuno as beheld the somewhat smooshed beauty before him.  
  
"Huh?!" Sailor Uranus said as her Sailor transformation cut out.  
  
Michiru was the first to put clues together. "Haruka! Someone in that crowd must have grabbed our transformation pens!"  
  
(GRAB GROPE FONDLE!) "Fair Amazon! I shall date with thee!"  
  
"ACCCCKKKKKK!" said Haruka before punching and beating on the boy.  
  
Said boy got back up. "Zounds! Thy ferocity and passion exceed even the pigtailed one!"  
  
"AAHHHHHHHHH!" Haruka screamed, giving chase to the crowd so that she could get her transformation pen back.  
  
"AHHHHHHH!" Michiru screamed as she wasn't about to be left alone with this pest.  
  
After all three had left, Setsuna shut off the camcorder and moved to the next spot.   
  
----------  
  
Genma looked back behind him.  
  
"Clear the streets! Escaped panda!" The loudspeaker from the Tokyo Zoo van was fairly clear in its opinion of what should happen to the panda.  
  
"No! Return it to the wild!" was the cry of the Greenpeace crowd chasing after it.  
  
"GROWF!" Genma exclaimed as he dodged someone pouncing. [I'm just a cute little panda!]  
  
----------  
  
Everything, even outrageous chase scenes like this must come to an end.  
  
"HE'S WHAT?"  
  
Not just yet though.  
  
Kuno listened avidly.  
  
"I'm Sailor Pluto, the Senshi of Time who waits by the Gates Of Time, right?"  
  
Haruka and Michiru nodded while running.  
  
Pluto drove along on her skateboard as if she'd spent years mastering the skill. "I've been to the future, right?"  
  
Haruka and Michiru nodded while running, again.  
  
"So... it wasn't revenge to tell you that you were going to meet your mutual future husband there, was it?"  
  
"URK!" Haruka didn't look at all happy.  
  
"His name is Tatewaki Kuno and he stops chasing his 'pigtailed girl' and a girl named Akane Tendo because he realizes that they were childhood infatuations and that you two are his true loves. Originally he starts out trying to end your 'unnatural fascination' for each other but just joins both of you soon enough."  
  
"URK!" Michiru didn't look happy either.  
  
"After you have the seventh baby," said Pluto, "I'd expect you begin to get along better with him."  
  
"URK!" Haruka and Michiru looked most unhappy.  
  
"So it is my glorious destiny to save these two maidens from their relationship?" Kuno cut in.  
  
"That sounds right," admitted Pluto.  
  
"FEAR NOT, FAIR MAIDENS! I SHALL DELIVER YOU!" Kuno proclaimed.  
  
"Ahhhhhhh!" declared the two Outer Senshi as they attained a new level of speed.  
  
Pluto just guided her skateboard to the side.   
  
"Setsuna-san, wasn't that..." Ami cleared her throat.  
  
Minako and Makoto merely stared as if seeing Pluto in an entirely new light.  
  
"It was one of a number of possible futures, and it assures a reasonable chance of their being heirs to the posts of Uranus and Neptune, does it not?" Pluto asked.  
  
"Yes, but..." Ami shuddered. "Possible futures might have anything occur."  
  
"Yes," admitted Pluto, "but not all of them are this amusing. Now are you coming or not?"  
  
-------------  
  
"This is Yuriko Tanaka, the chase scene chaser for Channel 5 Eyewitless News! It looks like a record for chase scenes today! Over four hundred people involved and it has just passed into Juuban! What do you say, Chet?"  
  
"It truly is a record, Yuriko. I've never seen a chase scene with so many crossdressers, with a winged minotaur and a panda involved as well!"  
  
"Oh no! They've just gone into the Dark Kingdom Pie Factory! Their grand opening was scheduled for tomorrow and the proprietor - a Mister Jedite Phoenix - was supposed to be giving a discount to Sailor Senshi lookalikes with a contest for the best lookalike group! I was looking forward to covering that!"  
  
"We had an interview with his three employees, Lar-E, Curl-E, and Mo-E, earlier. Can we roll tape?"  
  
----------  
  
Ryoga entered the warehouse and realized this was his big chance. He'd dive behind this wooden bench and (Thud)  
  
Akane stopped at the door to the warehouse when she realized that she was providing a target when (SPLUT! THWUP! SPLAT!) three pies struck her! One in the face, one in her cleavage, and one lower than that. Her mad had been slowly ebbing away, but this served to reignite it. "Y-y-you PERVERT!"   
  
----------  
  
"I don't understand, how can Jedite have returned?" Mercury asked Pluto.  
  
"My fault. Well, Haruka's fault. If not for her tactics I would not have needed to use 'Time Stop'," said Pluto.  
  
"'Time Stop'?" Mercury asked.  
  
"During the assault on Mughen Gakuen? I used a forbidden power - 'Time Stop' which instantly killed me until I was resurrected by Princess Serenity," said Pluto with a sigh. It seemed her only vacation time was when she got killed and *that* was no fun at all. "Jedite was encased in crystal 'until the end of time.'"  
  
Mercury ahhed. "When you stopped time, that counted as an end of time, and he was freed. So he's spent this time gathering up resources to strike back at us?"  
  
"Except that now his plans are getting ruined," agreed Pluto.  
  
---------  
  
Akane was slammed forward where she fell into a pie display. She came up, covered with cream and bits of flaky crust, and armed for the battle ahead.  
  
The crowd quickly began entering, each briefly silhoutted against the door to become an "easy target".  
  
Pies flew. It was not a case of choosing one's target carefully and only responding in kind. For one thing, after the first volley or so, it was difficult to tell WHO one was aiming at with a few notable exceptions.  
  
Happosai, who was the short mound of meringue bouncing madly all over the place.  
  
Taro-minotaur, but he had decided to leave and take station outside the door and bash anyone trying to leave.  
  
Genma-panda, who was the large pile of pudding and cream who had decided he'd died and gone to heaven. After the twelfth "gut-buster" "Death By Chocolate" cream pie was swallowed whole, he was more apt to leave off the "gone to heaven" part.  
  
Nabiki had run in with her camcorder and promptly been deluged from all sides with pies, then clonked on the head when someone threw a brick of frozen custard. Nabiki had fallen back into the promotional cream lemon pie and was considered MIA.  
  
"Oh pie!"  
  
Oh, and Kasumi discovered that she was having fun with this and had managed to tag everyone at least once.  
  
"Delinquents!" (Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat!)  
  
Pies continued to fly. Most were perfectly normal and splatted in gooey satisfactory manner. Apple and various fruit pies, chocolate and vanilla pies, cream pies of nearly any variety imaginable, custard pies and even cheesecakes flew through the air on their paths of destruction.  
  
Of course, because it *was* a Dark Kingdom Pie Factory, some of the pies were considerably less normal than others.  
  
Being flung around by the tentacles of a cream lemon pie, Nabiki would have attested to that if she could breathe regularly.  
  
A number of pies had been carefully prepared to negate magical transformations. The effect on people that were not transformed - none. Which meant that Genma transformed back, but no one else was paying attention.  
  
Everyone else was consumed with the battles at hand! No quarter asked for or given! Anything moving was fair game!  
  
"All of you! This is the police! Come out with your hands up!" (Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat!)  
  
-----------  
  
Three girls nervously sat at one end of the room. One girl sat at the other.  
  
"Why everyone sit over there?"  
  
Forced to spend time in a jail cell with Shampoo, the three eyed their "wife" nervously.  
  
"Shampoo think this idea working out," said Shampoo happily. "Shampoo can be patient."  
  
Akane, Ukyo, and Kodachi all wondered how long they'd spend in the same cell with Shampoo.   
  
========== 


End file.
